I'm not sure why a feeling of shame is so sexually arousing for me. To be used roughly for another guy's pleasure or amusement, to be mocked, humiliated, called names, and if I'm really aroused, to be spit at and slapped around, pissed-on even--stuff like that wildly excites me. I know that it's hard to figure for a normal guy like you, with normal needs and normal standards of how you let people treat you. It's not so much that I lack self esteem--it's just that I want to leave all that behind and throw myself temporarily in this abject role for the sexual thrill it gives me.
It's hard to understand why a guy would want to be put in awkward or humiliating situations like I was this morning--to be ordered to do things the guy dishing out the orders would never under any circumstances do himself. It's not so hard to see what the other guy gets out of it--he gets to lord it all over a wretched excuse for a man whose only aim seems to be to submit to your higher authority. Power feels great. But to be robbed of power and dignity, to have your manhood grossly affronted, to find this somehow a turn-on seems, well, sick--even to me.
On Eight Avenue in New York between 42nd and 44th Street near Port Authority bus terminal are a few porno shops. One in particular has some booths with holes in them. Lots of hungry gay guys are usually there. But there are also quite a few "regular guys" just wanting service from the cocksuckers. Since sucking off these guys would be the most shameful, it is to be with these straight guys--guys just looking to use a fag to get their rocks off--that I most desire in my sick masochistic way.
When there are lots of fags there, it scares away the straight guys just looking for some relief. That's why going there at odd times sometimes really pays off. I got up at 5:30 to go to the gym and get an early start on my day. On my way back, I stopped off at the porno place, not expecting to get any action, just to see a movie. I got more than I bargained for. A real dominant looking guy, not too tall, but really built thick, was pretending to look at magazines.
We made eye contact and it was like he KNEW I was a submissive queer who wouldn't mind servicing his dick. I went into a booth--he followed into the next one. There was never any question of who was going to suck who. He just assumed I was queer, and this assumption was confirmed by my dropping to my knees in front of the hole. He unzipped and stuck it through. It was a big hairy semi-hard dick with ugly veins and a big head oozing and slobbering juice. It smelled.
The dirtiness and abjectness of his dick, the fact that it was smelly made it more disgusting, and because it was disgusting it was more shameful to wrap my lips unhesitatingly around it and suck it good. I went right to work, trying hard to impress him and show him how good of a cocksucker I was. When it got hard I took it out of my mouth and kissed it and rubbed it in my face, sniffing it real queer-like. Soon he asked me if I wanted to join him in one of the larger and more private "buddy booths." I said, "sure." He left and after a few seconds, I followed him to one of the larger booths in back.
Right away he told me he didn't reciprocate and I said that as okay because I was just a cocksucker for straight guys. I could see he was turned on by my talking in such a self-denigrating way. He asked me if I liked the taste of his dick and I said, "Yes sir." He asked me if I swallowed and I told him I was a real sperm eater. By then he could see that I was a real submissive, masochistic bastard and so he really took advantage of how queer I was for him.
Without asking me if I mind if he smokes, he took out a cigarette and ordered me to light it for him. When I did so without hesitation, with a hand quivering with awe for his manliness and superiority, he KNEW that I was all queer for him, that I would probably do any humiliating thing he could think up. He put in a ten dollar bill, so I knew the movie would last for a while.
He told me to take off all my clothes and watched with a smirk while I clumsily undressed. Then made me take off his shoes and socks and jeans for him--and fold them. He put his hands behind his head, leaned back and told me to suck it. His dick had that hardness that an experienced cocksucker like me knows means that the guy really needs his nuts emptied bad.
But seeing as he had SUCH a sick mother-fucking queer to use, he made me put in another ten dollars so he would have plenty of time to make me do all kinds of humiliating shit for him before emptying his nuts in my mouth--like sniffing his sweaty balls, licking out his armpits and asshole, and sucking his toes.
I told him I wasn't a man at all compared to him, and he agreed. He told me only a really sick faggot would do all this shit for another guy--a "nomal" gay guy with any self-respect at all would never do all this shit for an abusive guy who wouldn't reciprocate--and I agreed. He said he had never been with a queer so low before, which gave me a shudder of humiliation.
The aura of shame that surrounded the blowjob gave him a sadistic thrill. I asked him if he had any buddies who like to get serviced by a queer bastard like me. This got a real rise out of him. He tried to call a buddy on his cell phone while I was slurping it up but his friend wasn't answering (it was 7 am!). He left a message that he had a "live one" (i.e. a masochistic cocksucker) and to call him back--no one called back, however.
He showed a lot of contempt for me--you could see it in his face, the rude way he barked out orders to suck it or go faster, pushing my head in and out in a dominating way. Smoking while I sucked him was meant as a degrading gesture on his part. When I suggested he call me a faggot a whole shower of abusive names came pouring out, like a damn that had burst. Most of the verbal abusive was done in order to degrade my manhood At one point, as I was sucking him, he pulled my head back by the hair, spit in my face, slapped me up side the head and then pushed me right back on his dick to which I returned hungrily.
Eventually, he came in my mouth. I was still on my knees jerking my dick as he wiped himself off, put on his clothes and moved to open the door to leave. I asked him if he would spit in my face one more time before he went. He obliged me contemptuously.
I squirted alone on my knees in the booth after he left. I was so ashamed of myself that I was almost crying. To me the whole disgusting experience, taking less than twenty minutes total, had been nothing less than sublime.
Is anybody with similar feelings out there? How do you feed this perverted desire for shame? Anyone like to shame queers like me? What does that feel like? How do you find masochistic fags willing to lower themselves this way?