Hogan's Heroics

By Parrafan

Published on Jun 17, 2006

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Hogan's Heroics

a story by parrafan

Disclaimer: This story is in the form of a script for an episode of a popular 60's TV comedy show which is set in a German P.O.W. camp during World War Two. Obviously, this episode was never produced. As such, this story should not be taken as implying anything about the sexual behaviour or preferences of any of the actors who performed in the roles described in this script. I hope no-one makes any such inference about those fine actors, some of whom are still alive. This is just a story, for the amusement of adults. The plot is pure invention on my part.

The characters of the television programme Hogan's Heroes are the property of CBS Paramount Television.

Thanks: To Kent for his unfailing support and encouragement.


Hogan's Heroics

by parrafan

SCENE I: Barracks IV, Luftstalag P.O.W. Camp Nine and Three Quarters

Several uniformed men sit around a rough wooden dining table, passing the time. There is an air of nervous expectation in the room. Corporal Newkirk, the only British airman in Barracks IV, idly shuffles a well worn deck of cards. Sergeant Kinchloe is lying on a nearby bunk bed, staring up at a months-old letter from home. Colonel Robert Hogan, the senior prisoner-of-war officer rubs his hands together in front of an old cast-iron pot-bellied stove which struggles to warm the drafty wooden hut in which the men sleep.

Suddenly, all the men look across the room as the bottom of a double bunk slides up and a stepladder drops down to allow the entrance of Corporal LeBeau, a French non-com, who climbs up the ladder and hustles over to the stove to warm himself.

CPL LeBEAU: It's as cold as a German fraulein's embrace out there, mon Colonel. (He rubs his hands vigorously in front of the stove).

Following him up the ladder is Sergeant Carter, his customary grin frozen into a grimace.

SGT CARTER: Yeah, boy, uh, I mean, Colonel, it's really icy. I nearly stayed at the munitions plant while it blew up so's I could get warm.

Corporal Newkirk looks at the opened stairway into the tunnel system, then back at Sergeant Carter in disgust.

CPL NEWKIRK: Blimey, Carter, were you born in a bleedin' tent? Didn't your mother teach you to shut the flamin' door on a night like this? A man could catch his death!

Corporal Newkirk slams his deck of cards down on the table, gets up and steps towards the bunk, to shut the trap door. Just as he is about to do so, a blond head appears in the opening. The head rises, showing the rest of a body. It is a Boy of about eleven years, raggedly dressed, climbing up the ladder. The Boy looks nervously around the room at the dozen or so men who are now staring at him.

SGT CARTER: Oh yeah, I forgot. We found this boy. Well, he found us would be more like it. Neither of us wanted to shoot him, and he saw us come out of the tunnel through the fake tree stump, so we couldn't just leave him there. Could we, Colonel?

Colonel Hogan takes a few seconds to size up the situation.

COL HOGAN: Newkirk, bring the boy up. Put him in my office. Carter, shut the trap door. Kinch, get on the radio, see if there are any reports on the local news about a missing boy. LeBeau, rustle us up some coffee, will you? And some hot chocolate, if you can scrounge it. Poor little kid looks terrified. Carter, what did he actually see?

SGT CARTER: Well, just about everything, Colonel. We came up out of the tree stump, looked around, everywhere's all covered in snow, couldn't see anyone, so we shut the fake lid, and there he was. Standing right next to us. He asked for food. He wanted to give us, er, blow jobs in payment.

COL HOGAN: You guys didn't take any food with you, did you? Only weapons and explosives.

SGT CARTER: Well, that's right Colonel. So Louie kinda said we had some spare time before blowing up the munitions factory, and I kinda thought, well it's been a long time since I seen my girl back home...

CPL NEWKIRK: Girl back home, Andrew? And here I thought she was a myth! [laughter]

COL HOGAN: Get on with it Carter. Everything.

SGT CARTER: Well, we told him we had no food, but we couldn't just leave him there, since he saw where the tunnel exits and all, so LeBeau and me just sorta took him with us. We set the charges and then the boy just knelt in front of me and, well, it's been a long time since I sat with my girl in the back row of the cinema in Mooseknuckle, Iowa, Colonel.

CPL LeBEAU: Carter's right, mon Colonel. We all miss our wives and girlfriends. I told the boy I would prepare something special for him if he came quietly, and he serviced me after Carter.

CPL NEWKIRK: And what about you, Louie, did you come quietly? [laughter].

COL HOGAN: All right, that's enough, knock it off you guys, any louder and you'll wake Schultz.

Colonel Hogan walks across the room to his office door, and enters, closing the door behind him. We now see the shivering boy. He is untidy and malnourished, with scraggly long blond hair and big brown eyes that are glistening with fear and cold. Hogan sits at a chair and beckons the boy to stand in front of him.

COL HOGAN: Well, son, you're the last person I expected to see coming out of that tunnel. Aside from maybe Hitler himself. Can you speak English?

BOY: Yes Sir, Herr Colonel, I learn from my mother. She is Polish.

COL HOGAN: Well, that's one less headache, I suppose. What's your name, son?

BOY: Brauer, Sir, Fritz Brauer.

COL HOGAN: You live around here, Fritz? Hammelburg, maybe?

BOY / FRITZ: No Sir, I am from Vienna. To England I am going.

COL HOGAN: England! That's a long way off, Fritz. Why are you headed there?

FRITZ: My mother, Sir, she says we must emigrate, after my father is made to become a soldier. We have not heard of him in more than one year. We go on foot, staying with her relatives on the way. But now she is lost, I must continue alone.

COL HOGAN: Lost? How did that happen?

FRITZ: Please, Sir, she sent me to get food, and when I return, the barn where we are staying is burning and there are many soldiers. I was frightened. I ran. (Fritz cries a little).

COL HOGAN: Why not just go to the police?

FRITZ: Please, Herr Colonel, my mother had all our papers. Without them I cannot prove my citizenship or travel permit. When I was younger, I had infection on my...er...manhood, and must be circumcised. Sir, all the police, when they find a stray boy, they make him to pull down his pants to see if he is a Jew. If he is, they shoot him. This I have seen. I do not wish to die in a gutter with my pants down. (he sobs).

Colonel Hogan sits back against his desk, thinking what to do. He frowns. He makes up his mind.

COL HOGAN: Fritz, I'm going to let you stay a while until I can figure out what to do with you. You'll have to stay out of sight while you're here, but we'll make you as comfortable as we can.

FRITZ (big smile) Oh, danke, Herr Colonel, danke!

Fritz throws his arms around Colonel Hogan's waist, hugging him in fierce gratitude. Hogan pats the top of his head, and notices for the first time how filthy and tangled the boy's hair is. Fritz grabs at Hogan's zipper, pulling it down and withdrawing Hogan's tool, which is rapidly firming. He holds it lovingly and begins to tongue the knob end.

COL HOGAN: Er, that's okay Fritz, you don't hafta do that. (he groans).

FRITZ: (releasing dick from mouth) But Sir, I must show gratitude. You let me stay, I will service you every day. My mother tells me every man enjoy this.

Fritz resumes the fellation of Colonel Hogan's dick, now bobbing his head up and down on it. Colonel Hogan's face shows extreme pleasure. He clenches his teeth as he ejaculates into the boy's mouth, grunting as he does so. Fritz raises his head, grinning, and licks the Colonel's dick clean.

FRITZ: (earnestly) Was I good, Herr Colonel? My mother tells me to always satisfy the man.

COL HOGAN: (breathing heavily, sagging against his desk) Yeah, kid, you were great. (He buttons up, then walks to the door. He calls out) Kinch! This kid badly needs a thorough wash. Get him outta these filthy clothes, borrow LeBeau's beret, muffler and overcoat, and take him to the showers. Use a candy bar to bribe the guard for some hot water.

SGT KINCHLOE: Sure thing, Colonel. C'mon, kid.

After the boy is disguised to look like LeBeau, the black N.C.O. and the boy depart.

SCENE 2: Prisoner's Ablutions Block

SGT KINCHLOE: Just drape the clothes over that rail there, kid (pointing).

The two silently undress. Kinchloe and Fritz have modestly turned their backs to each other. After they have undressed, Kinch steps up to the nozzle and turns on the hot water. The boy is now also naked. His eyes follow the big black man's every move.

SGT KINCHLOE: What's up, kid? Never shower with a man before?

FRITZ: I am sorry, Herr Sergeant. I was wondering...is it true what all say about black men?

SGT KINCHLOE: What, you mean this?

He turns towards the boy, his huge dick slapping against his thigh.

FRITZ: (Amazed) Gott in Himmel! He is...very much larger than I even dreamed!

The boy sinks to his knees in front of Kinchloe, reverently cupping the man's hanging balls in one hand and guiding the plum-sized knob to his lips with the other. Both are now under the trickle of warm water. While being blown, Sergeant Kinchloe washes the boy's hair, face, shoulders and neck. The boy never shirks his task and shortly Sergeant Kinchloe pushes his hips forward with a shudder and Fritz struggles to swallow his emission. CLOSE-UP of the boy's face shows semen all around his mouth, which he licks off, grinning.

SGT KINCHLOE: Good work, kid. Now let's get the rest of you washed.

Sergeant Kinchloe washes the boy and himself for a further minute, then dries both of them off. They dress silently, Fritz putting LeBeau's coat on over the towel around his waist. They return to the barracks.

SCENE 3: Barracks IV

Sergeant Kinchloe and Fritz return to the prisoners' hut. Colonel Hogan nods a quick "thanks" at the sergeant, and guides the boy to the stove for warmth. He calls to Corporal Newkirk, who is sitting at the table:

COL HOGAN: Newkirk, have we got any clothes in the boy's size? Can't have two LeBeaus running around camp.

CPL LeBEAU: I heard that!

CPL NEWKIRK: (Smiles) I'm sure I could run something up on the old sewing machine, Colonel. Come with me, Fritzy boy. Won't exactly be Savile Row but we'll see if we can't get you some nice lookin' duds. Better give Louie back his kit.

Fritz removes his outer garments and returns them to Corporal LeBeau, then follows Corporal Newkirk down the trap door ladder to the tunnel below.

SCENE 4: Tunnel under Barracks IV

Fritz stands in front of Corporal Newkirk dressed only in a towel, but is not cold in the close confines of the tunnel. Corporal Newkirk picks up a dressmaker's measuring tape, kneels on one knee and beckons to Fritz.

CPL NEWKIRK: All right, Fritz, me lad, just let me run the old tape over you, see what we're up against. Let's do your chest first, there's a good boy (Fritz holds his arms outwards as Corporal Newkirk encircles the boy's chest with the tape). Twenty four. Good show. Now an arm. (He runs the tape along Fritz's outstretched arm from his shoulder to his wrist). Twenty two. Next your waist.

As Corporal Newkirk runs his hand holding the tape around the boy's waist, the towel uncinches and falls to the floor, displaying a naked Fritz in all his glory. His skinny penis begins pumping upwards with each heartbeat. He closes his eyes, giving himself over to the sheer sensuality of sexual stimulation. Corporal Newkirk drops the measuring tape and enfolds the naked boy to himself. The two fall slowly to the floor, caressing and kissing each other. CAMERA fades to black on a shot of the boy pulling frantically at Corporal Newkirk's belt.

SCENE 5: Next morning, Office of the Kommandant

The Kommandant of Luftstalag Nine and Three Quarters, Colonel Wilhelm Klink, sits behind his desk listening while his guest, Gestapo Major Hochstetter, outlines his latest fiendish plan.

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: (pacing back and forth in front of Colonel Klink's desk) As you know, Klink, I have long suspected zhis camp to be zhe centre of Underground activity in zhis area.

COL KLINK: But Major, that's clearly ridiculous-

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: (interrupting loudly) In zhe last two years, zhere haff been four munitions factories destroyed, six bridges sabotaged, eighteen German Officers assassinated, numerous Allied airmen who were seen to bail out of zheir aeroplanes and never found, countless assorted acts of destruction - all vissin a two-kilometre radius of zhis camp. How do you account for zhis, Klink?

COL KLINK: Er - bad luck?

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: (shouting) Bad Luck! Grrr! Zhis camp is at zhe very centre of a circle of anti-German activity. Over zhe past two years I have endeavoured to catch zhe ringleader in zhe act, but until now I lacked zhe right...bait!

COL KLINK: Who is this ringleader, Herr Major?

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: He is none uzzer zhan your senior P.O.W., Colonel Robert Hogan!

COL KLINK: But that's impossible! How could he do all these horrible things? This camp is absolutely secure! There has never been a successful escape from Stalag Nine and Three Quarters!

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: So you keep telling me. But I haff devised a plan to infiltrate his little group of criminals. Recently I arrested a Wermacht General for treason-

COL KLINK: (interrupting) No-one I know, I hope?

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: (disdainful) His interrogation is not yet complete, so I do not know. Vhat I do know is zhat vhen arrested, he had a young boy viss him in his bed.

COL KLINK: How awful!

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: Zhe Third Reich officially frowns on such behaviour, but the Gestapo vill stop at nussing to eliminate zhe saboteurs in zhis region. For zhe past two weeks, I have had zhe boy patrol zhe area outside zhe fence of zhis camp. Every night I release him, and every morning he has come back. Until zhis morning.

COL KLINK: Isn't that, er, illegal?

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: (shouting) Nussing zhe Gestapo does is illegal! It says so in zhe law!

COL KLINK: Of course, Herr Major!

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: I believe zhat zhis boy is now inside zhe camp, possibly in zhe company of your Colonel Hogan!

COL KLINK: A boy! Break into a Prisoner of War Camp? But that's ridic-

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: Do not say it Klink! Eizher zhe boy is in here, or he has frozen to death in zhe snow. Eizher way, ve haff zhe advantage.

COL KLINK: What do you want from me, Herr Major?

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: Tell your guard, Sergeant Schultz, to inspect zhe barracks of Colonel Hogan. Tell him zhat he is to pretend to ignore any "additional" personnel, but to report here immediately aftervards. Zhe boy has been instructed to try to send me a message via zhat dumbkopf Sergeant.

COL KLINK: (In meek indignation) I am not sure I like you using my guards for this purpose Major!

MAJ HOCHSTETTER: (sinister) You are velcome to make your protest in person at Gestapo Headqvarters to a certain General - I believe he has some time on his hands at zhe moment.

COL KLINK: (horrified) That's quite all right, Herr Major! I'll send Schultz straight away!

SCENE 6: Colonel Hogan's office

Corporal Newkirk has a serious talk with Colonel Hogan.

CPL NEWKIRK: I'm tellin' you, Colonel, there's a whole lot about that kid's story that don't add up!

COL HOGAN: Fritz? You don't believe him? What's with you, Newkirk?

CPL NEWKIRK: Look, Colonel, before the war I, ah, spent a bit of time down on the docks in London, er, and what with one thing and another, I came into, em, close contact with a lot of young boys who were...on the game, so to speak. I can guarantee, Fritz looks nothing like any boy who has been living rough for the past twelve months.

COL HOGAN: (puzzled yet interested) You don't trust him?

CPL NEWKIRK: 'Is story just don't ring true! I mean, what business does a boy have outside the fence of a prison camp at night? We're miles from any farms 'ere! An' I 'ad a good look at him earlier. His ribs don't show, no bags under 'is eyes, no bruises - 'e's been on easy street for the last six months, or Goering's my grandfather!

COL HOGAN: Hmm. You might have something, Newkirk. Keep an eye on him for me, and let me know if you turn up anything concrete.

CPL NEWKIRK (relieved) Right you are, Colonel.

SCENE 7: Barracks IV

Sergeant Schultz arrives for a snap inspection

SGT SCHULTZ: Raus! Raus! Everybody Rrrraus!

COL HOGAN: (emerging from his office) Calm down Schultz, you'll give yourself a heart attack. Have a seat, take a load off, warm up by the stove.

SGT SCHULTZ: Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan.(He slumps into a chair, passing his rifle to Corporal LeBeau to hold for him). The Gestapo Major has been yelling at the Kommandant, and now the Kommandant is yelling at me! Inspect Barracks Four, he says, so I am inspecting. Is there anything here I should report, Colonel Hogan?

COL HOGAN: We couldn't possibly hide anything from your eagle eyes, Schultz. We'd be crazy to even try.

While Colonel Hogan engages Sergeant Schultz in idle chit-chat, Fritz emerges silently from behind a bunk. He approaches Schultz from behind, and slips a small note into his duffel coat pocket. Fritz then melts back into the shadows from whence he came. His action was so subtle, that no-one notices except Corporal Newkirk. Deliberately bumping into Sergeant Schultz, Newkirk picks his pocket and retrieves the item Fritz has placed there.

CPL NEWKIRK: Sorry, Schultzy old boy, clumsy of me.

COL HOGAN: Well, we mustn't keep you any longer, Schultz. You've got a war to win, after all.

SGT SCHULTZ: Don't remind me, Colonel. (He lumbers to his feet. LeBeau gives him his rifle back). I will report exactly what I have found. I saw Nuth-think!

COL HOGAN: That's the spirit, Schultz. (He escorts Sergeant Schultz to the door). LeBeau, could you rustle up a hot drink for our little guest? And keep him busy for a while. Newkirk, my office.

CPL NEWKIRK: (following Colonel Hogan into the office) I was right, Sir, the little blighter snuck this into Schultzy's pocket. He's a spy, a pint-sized Mata Hari! (He gives the note to Colonel Hogan)

COL HOGAN: (Unfolds the note, reads) "1800 B IV FB". Hmm. Gotta hand it to you, Newkirk. Looks like our little sextoy is working for the Gestapo. My guess is, he'll expect our barracks to be raided at 6 pm.

CPL NEWKIRK: What do you think he'll do when nothing happens, Colonel?

COL HOGAN: Maybe he'll think the Master Race has let him down. In any case, you've bought us some time with your suspicious mind and deft fingers. Well done.

CPL NEWKIRK: (Smiles) We aim to please.

COL HOGAN: Let's try to find out what Hochstetter was planning.

The two men leave Colonel Hogan's office, Hogan calls for Sergeant Kinchloe.

COL HOGAN: Kinch, get the coffee pot out, I want to hear what our friendly Gestapo man is up to with Klink.

Sergeant Kinchloe rigs up the coffee pot, which has a radio receiver and speaker embedded in it. The radio's microphone has been placed in Colonel Klink's office.

COFFEE POT: (Major Hochstetter's voice) "Sergeant Schultz, empty your pockets"

(Sergeant Schultz's voice) "But, but, Herr Major, I have nuth-think, nuth-think..."

(Major Hochstetter's voice) "Dumbkopf! Just turn zhem out."

(Colonel Klink's voice) "Do as he says!"

Sound of small items being tipped onto a desk.

(Major Hochstetter's voice) "Vhat iss zhis rubbish? Bah! Take it away!"

COL HOGAN: Major Hochstetter sounds disappointed. Okay, I've heard enough. Kinch, put the coffee pot away. Everyone try to act normal around the kid. But no telling any secrets. I'll wait until six o'clock, then have a little talk with our young friend.

SCENE 8: Barracks IV, nearly 6 p.m.

Fritz, dressed in the clothes Corporal Newkirk tailored for him, paces nervously. He glances frequently at the door, checks the window, bites his lower lip. The men try to act casual.

CPL NEWKIRK: What's up, Fritzy me lad? Your Prom date late, is he?

FRITZ: Uh, no, Herr Corporal. I have no date. Er, does anyone know what is the time?

CPL NEWKIRK: Prisoners aren't allowed watches, Fritzy old son. However, I can get you a good deal on any of these fine timepieces (he rolls up his sleeve to display several watches. Grins)

FRITZ: (nervous laugh) Uh, danke, nein, I have not money for payment.

CPL NEWKIRK: Maybe we could work out a time-payment plan. Nothing down, so much a month, like. (general laughter).

COL HOGAN: That's enough, knock it off you guys. Fritz, I don't think anyone's coming.

FRITZ: I-I don't...know what you mean, Herr Colonel. I wasn't...I didn't...

COL HOGAN: I know all about the note you put in the Sergeant's pocket. Now I want you to follow me into my office and tell me everything, or if you'd prefer, you can stay here with all these men whom you tried to betray. (He rises from his seat and walks to his office)

Fritz looks at the hard faces of LeBeau, Newkirk, Carter, Kinchloe. He flees into Hogan's office in terror. He throws his arms around Hogan's waist, sobbing.

FRITZ: They forced me, Herr Colonel! They said they would kill the General if I did not co-operate! At first, I refuse. Then the Gestapo Major brought large dogs to my cell. I was naked. The dogs were on leash, held back by guards, but I think they will bite me...I am terrified of dogs. I agree to everything. The Gestapo Major is waiting for my note through the, er, fat Sergeant.

COL HOGAN: This General, he is- er, was- your...protector?

FRITZ: He it was who ordered soldiers to burn down the barn. The soldiers caught me. They had my pants down to-to... inspect, you know?

COL HOGAN: Yeah, you told me. Go on.

FRITZ: The soldiers were to shoot me for a Jew, but he rescues me. His Frau, er, his wife, she is living in the north of Germany, away from the war. The General is wanting...companionship. He tell me I will live if I do for him everything his wife is doing. I agree. I want to live.

COL HOGAN: Hmm. You're a remarkable boy, Fritz, and really very brave.

FRITZ: It is my mother I owe, Herr Colonel. She explains to me all about how to survive, and what a boy must do to please men. She saves my life (he sobs harder).

Colonel Hogan pats the boy on the back as he considers the situation.

COL HOGAN: So, this General - do you have...feelings for him?

FRITZ: (voice hitching) He- he was...kind to me. But he is Nazi. I think Nazis are bad men.

COL HOGAN: That's pretty much what most Americans think, too, Fritz. So, what are we going to do with you? I doubt you'll survive here for much longer. Sooner or later, you will be discovered, and sent- who knows where.

FRITZ: You cannot keep me here, Herr Colonel? I would do anything!

COL HOGAN: I know you would, Fritz, I know. Let's get some shut-eye, maybe we can come up with a plan in the morning.

FRITZ: Where am I to sleep, Herr Colonel?

COL HOGAN: Well, there are no spare bunks. I guess for tonight you'll just have to crowd in with me .

FRITZ: (face lights up) Oh, Colonel, that will be most satisfactory!

Hogan removes his outer garments, and climbs into his bunk wearing drab green boxers and undershirt. Fritz waits for the Colonel to settle in, then stands alongside the bunk bed in full view of the American officer. He removes his clothing one piece at a time, carefully folding each item and placing it on a chair. The methodical strip show is not lost on Hogan, who watches with mounting interest, illustrated by the small mountain forming in the middle of his blanket.

Fritz gives a little smile as he reaches his underclothes. Corporal Newkirk has tailored for the boy what look like modified French undergarments, which together with his long hair make him appear somewhat girlish. He giggles coquettishly as he pulls the tight white vest over his head, making his hair go everywhere. He leans his head back, shaking it to settle the wayward straw-coloured locks back into place, then wriggles his waist as he peels the skimpy knickers down his thighs and off his feet. He is already erect.

COL HOGAN: I can see why the General saved you from his soldiers. (he pulls the blanket aside to welcome the boy)

FRITZ: (climbing on top of Hogan, whispers) Tonight, you will be my General.

Settling his bare bottom on Hogan's boxer shorts, his hands on the man's shoulders for balance, Fritz begins a sensuous wriggling. Eyes shut, he reaches between his legs and under his groin to free Colonel Hogan's hardened dick from its shorts. The turgid tool is already leaking its slippery fluid, which allowing Fritz to moisten his rear entrance as he sits on the hot pole. Slowly lowering himself down onto the rampant rod, Fritz begins carefully rocking up and down, impaling himself deeper and deeper as he becomes accustomed to the size of Hogan's prick. He moans softly as he feels coarse material under his cheeks, signalling that his new lover is fully entrenched. His jockeying motion picks up speed, his breathing becomes more ragged. Hogan grunts as he jerks his hips upwards, Fritz struggling to remain in place. Hogan sinks back onto the thin mattress with a deep sigh.

FRITZ: (Climbing off Hogan) Do you need rest, or can you take me again, Herr Hogan? You may rest your weight on me.

Hogan sits up and swaps places with the boy who assumes the position on all fours in the middle of the bed. Shucking his shorts, Hogan places himself behind Fritz, pointing his wet knob at the boy's back entrance. With one hand in the small of the boy's back and the other holding a shoulder, Hogan grinds his member up Fritz's warm tight passage. The boy moans soft encouragement as Hogan's thrusts push the boy further and further down until he is prone on the bed. A final thrust signals Hogan's second ejaculation. He rolls off the boy.

FRITZ: (whimpering) Stay in me, Herr Hogan, please. Lie behind me and comfort me tonight.

Hogan rolls forward until he is spooning with the boy. Fritz reaches behind himself, searching for the Colonel's weapon. Finding it, he sighs in happiness, wriggling back until the tool is again inserted between his bottom cheeks. Hogan drapes an arm over Fritz's waist, feeling for his little pecker. Holding the boy's thin cock and grape-sized balls in one hand, he pulls the boy's bottom back towards himself, slowly pumping Fritz's well-lubricated rear passage. Fritz wriggles his hips and presses his tool into Hogan's hand for a few minutes, eventually settling into a heavy slumber.

SCENE 9 Barracks IV, Next morning

Hogan sits at the communal table, Fritz in his lap. The men also sit around. Frowns of concentration on every face. Hogan has one hand up the boy's shirt, caressing his chest. Occasionally he kisses the top of the boy's head, or nips an earlobe. The boy luxuriates like a well-contented cat in his privileged position.

COL HOGAN: Come on, you guys! It's not as hard as derailing a train, or smuggling POW's to England! Somebody think up a plan to...you know, deal with Fritz here.

SGT CARTER: (raising his hand as if in school) I know, Colonel! We could write a letter to the German High Command asking permission to adopt Fritz as a kind of mascot!

CPL NEWKIRK: (sarcastically) Brilliant idea, Andrew. Only we're not at Camp Okeedokee on the shores of the flippin' Mississippi, we're in a bleedin' POW camp!

CPL LeBEAU: What about Fraulein Helga, mon Colonel? Perhaps she could be persuaded to pretend Fritz is her son or nephew, and she is looking after him. That way the lad may come with her into the camp some times.

COL HOGAN: Yeah, nice try LeBeau, but she already helps us out plenty. I wouldn't want to endanger her. Hochstetter might have one of his spies on her.

SGT KINCHLOE: Maybe he could live with a member of the Underground, Colonel. Then you could, er, visit him from time to time.

COL HOGAN: (running his hand down under the waistband of Fritz's shorts to caress his warm genitals, then nuzzling the boy's neck before looking up) No, we need something that will enable Fritz to stay right here in full view of everybody...and I think I got an idea that might just work...

SCENE 10 Outside the Main Gate of Stalag Nine and Three Quarters

Fritz walks up the main road to the Camp, and stands at the Gate. A guard alerts Sergeant Schultz, who orders the gate to be opened. He hustles Fritz inside the Camp. Colonel Klink appears on the porch outside his office.

COL KLINK: Reporrrrrrt!

SGT SCHULTZ: Herr Kommandant, I beg to report, I have captured this boy outside the gate of the Camp!

COL KLINK: (whispers to himself) Could this be the boy Major Hochstetter referred to? (to Schultz) What are you waiting for, Schultz? Bring him to my office!

SGT SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Er, come with me, boy.

SCENE 11 Colonel Klink's Office

Colonel Klink sits at his desk. Fritz stands in front, patiently waiting. Sergeant Schultz guards the door.

COL KLINK: Now, young man, suppose you tell me what you were doing at the front gate of Stalag Nine and Three Quarters. You do know this area is restricted, no civilians allowed?

FRITZ: I am sorry, Sir. I have come to look for an officer named Wilhelm.

COL KLINK: (nervously) Well, that is a very common name. Why do you seek this officer?

FRITZ: I have a note for him from my mother. Before she (Fritz sobs) passed away, she tells me that my father is a brave Luftwaffe Officer named Wilhelm, and that I am to seek him out if anything...(breaks down crying)

Colonel Klink rises out of his chair, quickly rounds the desk to comfort the boy.

COL KLINK: There, there, it's all right my, er, young man. Did your mother tell you anything else about this "Wilhelm"?

FRITZ: (still pathetically crying a little) Only that he was very distinguished looking, with a bald head and a monocle, Sir.

SGT SCHULTZ: Ach du Lieber! He has described you to a "T", Herr Kommandant - except for the part about being brave...and distinguished...

COL KLINK: Quiet, Dumbkopf! Young man, show me this letter your, er, mother gave you.

Fritz pulls a sheet of paper from his pocket and gives it to Colonel Klink.

COL KLINK: (reading) "To whom it may concern: this letter is to introduce my son Fritz, who is the only reminder I have left of a wonderful night of passion with a remarkable Luftwaffe Colonel. Please raise him to be a good German. Signed..." I cannot read the signature - it is blurred. Can you make it out, Schultz? (he gives Schultz the letter)

Colonel Hogan bursts into the room unannounced.

COL HOGAN: Hi Kommandant. Busy?

COL KLINK: I did not send for you, Hogan! Disssssss-missed!

COL HOGAN: (snatching the letter from Schultz's hand, pretending to scan it) Why you sly old dog, Colonel! He's a fine looking boy - obviously takes after his father!

Sergeant Schultz wears an amazed look - Colonel Klink preens himself.

COL KLINK: Well, I did have my moments, in my younger days....

COL HOGAN: What "younger days", Kommandant? You're still in your prime! Why, women nowadays really go for a man with a son - shows he's made of the right stuff! You're going to keep him, of course?

COL KLINK: But how can I possibly raise a son in a POW camp? I am a very busy man, as you know!

COL HOGAN: Did I ever tell you that Sergeant Carter taught High School Chemistry back in the States? Or that Corporal Newkirk was a PT instructor in the R.A.F. before he was shot down?

COL KLINK: You mean...?

COL HOGAN: I mean, if you want to do justice by young Fritz here, and bring him up in your proud Prussian traditions (Klink stiffens his back a little) you could raise him right here in your own quarters, educate him and everything! Think of all the women who would fawn over a brave, single man doing the honourable thing by a poor orphan boy! They'd eat it up!

COL KLINK: (thinks out loud) Yes...yes, I can see it now...But would you permit your men to assist in young Fritz's education, Colonel?

COL HOGAN: Kommandant, not only would I permit it, I insist that I take personal charge of your new son's upbringing, with my men's help. In fact, it would be my pleasure!

Colonel Klink beams in delight. Sergeant Schultz rolls his eyes. Fritz smiles broadly at Colonel Hogan, who leads the boy through the doorway to Colonel Klink's private quarters...

End

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