Rage by Larkin
Rage
by Larkin
Fictional Story, sexual content, male/male Copyright Larkin 2006
Rage
By Larkin
I
"Juh have any tokens left?"
His hair was half black and half blond. His clothes were tight and uncommon. They were all black. His body was unusually small and waif like. He looked like a strange little kid. I found an extra token in my pocket and gave it to him.
He smiled up at me and said, "Thanks man. Not just anyone would do a nice thing like that, you know."
His voice sounded sort of feminine and agreeable. We both got on the subway together and he sat right up next to me. He didn't have to, there were plenty of options. It was a bold move and I was impressed.
Looking more closely at him, I noticed his hands were thin, delicate. On his fingers were a few odd hand-wrought rings of different metals. His face was cute and mischievous. He smiled and continued to talk. The brightest thing in his dark composition was his eyes. They were a strange sort of pale blue that were almost Manson-like. This time when he smiled, I saw them for the first time. His two canines were filed, a la Vampire. I'm sure it was cosmetic but the impression was startling.
Because he sat so close to me, we were able to talk as if we knew each other and not as strangers that had just met. He told me his name was Rage. I guessed that it was a name made up or taken from somewhere else. I told him I lived with my parents on East 2nd and 1st Avenue. My Parents had been threatening to move out of the city for the longest time.
He said he lived between B and C on 4th Street. He seemed pleased that we lived so close to each other. We got off at the same stop and both had a short walk into the East Village.
I told him my name was Daniel and where I was going to school and all the usual stuff. My appearance is not unattractive. I consider myself young, but ordinary. He seemed interested in me, but I thought why? I didn't like to stick out too much. If anything, he was the interesting one.
Rage said he was an artist and worked in mixed media. I had no idea what that was. When we reached the street where we would have split our journey, he stopped. He looked disappointed that our meeting was over.
He hesitated and then said, "Juh wanna come over? I don't live far and I`d kinda like to hang out with you some more."
I looked towards my destination and thought about all the things that I was supposed to do.
Then I looked at the strange person I had just met and I said, "Ok."
We continued walking past 1st avenue down further East and then up to 4th. Rage's place was a five floor walk-up. It seemed like the whole East Village had been slated for renovation. Buildings like his were in limbo. They were intentionally neglected to cause tenants to flee. The building like Rage's was often called a squat. The hallways were in ruins and some abandon apartments were even missing their doors exposing some frozen chaos or past disaster inside.
He keyed his door and let us both in. Once inside, His place was safe, comfortable and isolated from the rest of the world. He switched on a string of Christmas lights. There was another string of lights arranged in a glass bowl on sort of a coffee table. We sat together on a day bed that was done up like a couch. His whole apartment was individual, like him. He started some friendly chatter.
"My Aunt let me have this place when she went to Los Angeles. She went with this black guy. I didn't much like him so I'm glad they're gone. I mean like there's no rent and sometimes a war might break out in the hall down stairs, but nothing much happens up here."
Rage lit up a joint and asked me, "So, um, what were you doing over by the Noguchi Cube last Saturday?"
I was surprised. He smiled, and blew pot smoke at me.
I responded suspiciously. "Shit, I don't even know you and already you're spying on me."
How could anyone as weird looking as him spy on anyone without them seeing him?
I gave an appraising look. "If you must know, I was handing out flyers."
He laughed out loud more like a young boy than a girl. It was plain to me that Rage was a complicated concoction of both sexes. He moved closer and now he had his hand on my leg. I don't know, I guess it was because of my friendly nature that he would assume that I was easy and, well, the truth is, I am. It's that or have a wank more than once a day. I'm all for helping things along.
He was sort of cute and he was, ..um, you know,.. exotic, fragile and frail. He made me feel like he was someone that needed care and protection. It was this impression that made me feel comfortable around him. I did not discourage any of his advances and behaved as if it was agreeable to me.
He lifted one leg up and popped off his small black and white low top then the other one. With unexpected familiarity, he spread out, half on me and half off. He appeared completely content and it became obvious that he was offering himself to me as a gift.
I held on to him and rubbed his torso. He was so skinny, much skinnier than me. When I did this he sprawled and curled like a cat prompting me to continue. He climbed up on me and we kissed. The chemistry was intoxicating. He had a natural body scent that had the allure of sweet musk.
I appeared to me as if he some kind of magical creature, a strange night creature that can cast spells and can fly on wings. His tongue was long, firm and sweet. He was squeezing me through my pants and stroking me between my legs. His vampire smile cast us together in a dusty old book full of mystical stories. I have become Gothic and he was a dark treasure.
I was thinking to myself, "Have I totally lost it?"
But I just didn't care. Some adventures in life you just have to let happen. I pulled his thin dark shirt off over his head revealing a few raw hide necklaces with charms and talismans hanging round his neck. His skin was featureless and pale white. He totally lacked the male definition that one is use to seeing even on some young boys. When I began to pull off his pants, he aided me by lifting his legs up in the air in a submissive and erotic display.
Completely naked, we kissed again. Both his legs and arms clung to me in an exotic embrace. Never having been in love before, I had nothing to gage what love is supposed to be like but I was definitely under a magic spell. My hand traced his hairless under arm, his smooth chest, warm belly down to his penis and scrotum. It was so small and delicate and even though it was erect and standing, it was barely three inches. It was exactly what you might find on an uncircumcised nine or ten year old boy. His scrotum was the only skin that appeared darker from the rest of him and it contained two robin's egg size balls.
With the exception of his mottled head of hair, the rest of his body was completely and absolutely without body hair or any masculine definition.
He began to pull off my clothes; I just lay there and watched him in wonder. He tugged off my pants and when I was naked he devoted himself to my cock. Periodically he would climb back up on me and kiss. While we kissed, he would reach behind himself and rub my stiff cock on his butt hole. My interested mounted and I turned him around. His ass was soft and round. I spread it until I could see his little hole and scrotum below. To my surprise, his scent was earthy and sweet. It was something I never thought I'd ever do but in Rage, it eventually became something I would never want to live without.
He got up and turned so he could face me and slowly sat down on my cock. We kissed some more and my cock gradually went up his ass. Next to him, my cock was so big and he was so small I could hardly believe I was up inside of him.
He looked into my eyes and said, "Come on, I want you to fuck me. You won't hurt me."
I rolled him so that I was over him and started the most wonderful fuck of my life. He wrapped his arms around me. All the motion between us was smooth, luxurious and in ever increasing in intensity.
He clung to me and whispered into my ear, "You can do anything you want to me."
His voice sent chills throughout my body. "Make me love you."
We fucked for much longer than I ever had with anyone. Looking into each other's eyes and kissing, we and went on and on. We fucked until we finally came in blindingly beautiful liquid synchronicity.
II
When I woke up it was almost dark outside. The Christmas lights gave the room a cozy glow. Still naked, Rage was over me on his hands and knees.
"I could go get you some McDonalds but I don't have any money. If you do, I'll could go get em."
I opened my eyes and pieced together all the recent events. "No, I'm ok."
I sat up and looked at him. "What was your name again? I didn't forget you, just that strange name of yours."
He answered, "Rage."
His little penis was still up at eleven thirty.
"Rage, I have to ask you a question. Just how old are you?"
He put on a coy look that I was sure he had used before when asked this question.
"I'm nineteen."
I was puzzled. "No way, you`re lying!"
He flashed me a look of anger that quickly dissolved.
He turned and rummaged around in a rucksack and handed me a Canadian passport. "See."
The picture was him but his hair was short and blonde. I gave him a puzzled look.
He sighed and sat back to tell the same old story he had to tell everyone that asked or everyone that ever got into his pants.
"No, I'm not lying, I am nineteen. I never had puberty. It didn't happen when I was twelve and it didn't happen when I was fourteen so they took me to all kinds of doctors and they didn't have any answers and they did it again when I was sixteen. One doctor said that it was a rare endr...endrichol..logical....Shit, a problem with my glands! The doctor said I will never go through puberty, so that's how it is."
He suddenly crossed his arms defensively and made a disappointing frown. "So now you think I am a total freak and you never want to see me again and now, because I like you, I`ll probably have to kill myself."
He curled up and started crying. I never saw anything so pitiful. Not knowing what to do with him, I pulled him over so he could rest his head on my chest. Again this feeling came over me where I wanted to protect him from the rest of the world.
Still crying, he looked up at me. "You can go if you want. Go the fuck away and never see me again, I don't care."
He buried his face in my breast and continued to sob. It was at that very moment that I knew that this encounter was going to change my life forever.
I tried to explain myself, "Just because you are a weird freak doesn't mean that I don't like you. So far, I have never had such an incredible experience with anyone like this in my life. Rage, you done something to me. I think you are magical or something."
He stopped crying and listened for awhile.
Then looking out the window at the great grey city, he quietly said almost to himself, "I am magical, aren't I?"
There was a long pause between us.
Then I asked him, "Have long have you been spying on me anyway?"
He gave me his mischievous vampiric smile again. "Oh, much longer then you would believe. I don't just see people out and around, I sneak around, sometimes at night. You never know, I might have been even looking in your window when you were jerking off and you would have never known."
He laughed and then his humor faded into seriousness. "Daniel, please stay with me. I`m living here all by myself and I get so fucking miserable and lonely"
I puzzled about it for a moment, then picked up my cell.
"Hi Mom, I'm staying at the Ryder's and I promise I'll go to practice first thing tomorrow. Ok, I will, I love you, see you after school."
I turned and looked at Rage. "How's that?"
He hugged me and I pulled the blanket over us. We played together in every possible way until it began to get light.
III
The next morning I had to collect the pieces of my life and fall back into the groove that everyone expects me to be in. I made a quick stop home so my Parents could see that I was not dead or kidnapped and quickly went off to school. They made sure I had way too many obligations and chores, keeping me focused on school and all the stuff they wanted me to do. I had to do this, I had to do that. Each idea or problem was like wheels spinning around in my in my head, but suddenly one by one they stopped and Rage's face appeared in my mind. I left early and Rage was still cuddled up in bed.
Looking up at me, he said, "Daniel, come over as soon as you get done with your stuff today. I'll be here waiting for you so you can fuck me again."
He laughed and gave me that Vampire smile.
I felt good all day like the way one feels when you make a conquest. It's good for the ego. Because of Rage's feminine nature, I felt like a man. I thought about whether I should go back or stand him up like it was just a onetime thing. If he spied on me and he liked me then maybe there lots of others out there that I can fuck. I stopped to look at my reflection in a store window. He's pretty weird anyway. I tried to imagine us as a couple. I'm a foot taller, my hair is short, and even though I am still in high school I dress to blend in.
Rage is a genuine freak with two colored hair, a night creature, an artificial vampire, half boy and half girl. And what's with that no puberty thing? Who's going to believe that? My dad would drown me if he saw me with him and my Mom would burn me alive. They are progressive with everyone except me. They don't even know I have sex with guys.
I did the strangest thing. On the subway platform, I knelt down and opened my gym bag. Trying not to be conspicuous, I pulled out the shirt I had worn when I was over at his apartment. Pulling it up to my nose, I smelled it. It was him. I could smell him on my shirt and vivid pictures of what we did came rushing back into my mind. I saw him naked again and I began longing for him.
By early afternoon I was trying to decide whether or not to go to Rage's. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get stuck with him. Maybe I shouldn't have sex with him again because if I do it complicates things. I always figured that it not fair to lead someone on if you don't want a relationship.
My cell rang.
There was a soft voice. "Hi, you commin? I'm waitin?"
He hung up.
I was conflicted. I didn't see any future in my encounter with Rage but the allure of sex with him was so intense and intoxicating. If I show up, we could fuck around again and then it might be just end naturally. But then, there is nothing natural about Rage.
When I got there, he was cheerful and offered me a hot pocket from the mic. We sat together. I watched nibble the onlt the smallest portion of the food. Then, without any fuss, he carefully and delicately pulled down my zipper, stuck his hand and rooted around until he found my cock. When he did, we kissed. Rage's body smells so good. In spite of my doubts and resistance, the spell took hold of me right away. We undressed each other in stages. He lay back and encouraged me to fuck him in his mouth. I couldn't help it, I came all over him in a series of long squirts. He looked a little disappointed that it might be over so soon. I assured him that I would have no problem doing it again and even once more.
The lust was so wicked and irresistible. I turned him over and pulled his pants down off of his behind. In doing this I knew I was preparing him to fuck. Naked, we embraced head to head and then head to bottom. Rage was so child like. He pulled his legs back and pinned them in place with his elbows. It totally exposed his behind for me to lick and penetrate.
He covered my stiff dick with his spit and then guided it in. It was all so easy.
After the beginning, my cock went all the way up inside of him and then all the way out. He swooned and pulled me down to kiss. He rested his ankles on my shoulders and I began to fuck him more quickly. I looked down to see my cock going in and out of him. Then I looked into his beautiful face. Together, we work up an ever increasing rhythm of perfect sex.
It was exactly this point that I realized that I was toast, ....I was fucked, .....I was a goner. There was going to be no easy out of this thing.
My resistance to him was because I was afraid. The attraction was so powerful and magnetic because we were complete opposites. In a diabolical way that made us perfect for each other.
Looking up at me and in hushed tones, he said, "Daniel, please don't ever hurt me because I think I am falling in love with you. I promise, I`ll do anything you want me to."
We embraced and continued to fuck.
You know when I first started thinking of guys in a sexual way, I got very depressed. I thought I was sick and twisted and even worse, dirty and filthy. I thought I let my parents down and that I was a psycho sex offender that deserved to be killed. I thought of killing myself more than once. But my life changed when I met Rage. He wasn't afraid to kiss and to open himself to me. What he did for me was show me what love is. He showed me that it doesn't matter what other people think. It is the honest feelings that you have for another person. What could be so terrible about holding a person that you care about and loving them.
How can it be wrong?
I stayed way into the evening. It got so late that I decided not to go home for the second night. We spent hours just talking. I was the practical one, the sensible one. I was on a course for my future set by my Parents.
Rage live in fantasy world. He designed himself after the characters that he read about in books. He really did believe in magic. When we could no longer stay awake we slept together in each other's arms.
It was in the wee hours when I awoke. The room was pitched black. I felt Rage's cock and it was completely stiff. So was I. I ran my fingers through his butt. In the blackness of the rundown apartment we began again.
Sex in the dead of night, out of a deep sleep can be rude and animalistic. Rage had no problem with that and he took it upon himself to educate me. This act would finally and completely addict me to him. No words were spoken while we invented one dirty deed after another. I felt him pee on my stiff cock to lubricate it. We fucked again and again.
We peed on each other and committed acts of humiliation. Rage showed me that he would do anything. He freed me from my fears and together we escaped civilization if only for a little while.
IV
We spent four entire days together. My life was in pieces. Parents wanted to know why my cell was turned off. Classes were missed and still all I could think about was Rage. Last night I was ordered home by my Dad. Under interrogation, I resisted an explanation of my actions.
Grounded except for school and classes, I was despondent. How could I tell my Parents that I met this little Goth freak with vampire fangs who sucks my dick and lets me fuck him? They were not likely to understand. I had to change at 42nd Street and I stood waiting for the train. I looked in both directions. I had two more classes but I was totally conflicted inside. It was almost twelve noon when I crossed over to the downtown side and hopped on a train bound for Astor Place. The anticipation was intense. I thought about him all naked getting ready to jerk off without me. I thought about what I wanted to do to him and how I was going to do it. I successfully concealed it, but my cock rose up so hard in my pants. Then I thought about how I was going to protect him and take care of him forever.
I knocked on his door. No answer. I got this pit in my stomach, "Oh no, he gone!"
I knocked again. No answer.
For some reason, in my rush back downtown, I figured he'd be home. I didn't even consider that he wouldn't be there.
Bad thoughts tried to enter my mind. "He's dead!"
"He gone!"
Or worst of all, someone else is fucking him!
This is a first for me, I don't have a history of going to pieces but here it is. I stood out in front of his building, thinking he might show up. When he didn't, I slowly headed West. I kept looking back thinking he might turn a corner. How could I suddenly turn into such a basket case? I must have gone back to his place three more times. I ended up hanging around the Noguchi Cube in Astor Place, thinking he might show up there.
No Rage, no Rage. He's gone. My fucking life is so over.
V
My mother looked at me and said, "What the hell is the matter with you this evening? You haven't eaten and you forgot to take the videos back. They have to go back tonight. I'm not paying anymore damn late fees."
I pushed my chair back and slowly lumbered into my room. My head was still haunted by that little fucking freak.
My Mother looked into my room, "Daniel, didn't you hear me? I told you to take those damn videos back before they close."
She tossed the bag on my bed.
I got up, and zombie like, headed down the stairs to the street, up the street to the avenue, down the avenue to video store. On my way back as I approached the corner, I heard a voice.
"Hey Daniel!"
I turned and saw Rage standing there looking cheerful. My depression lifted immediately. He looked a lot better than I did after no sleep all night long and running around all day.
He came up to me smiling and said, "What's up?"
He came up close and whispered into my ear. "If you don't come over and fuck my ass, I'm going to go looking for someone who will."
At first the threat pissed me off but I didn't want to risk him actually doing it. We both headed towards East 4th Street.
VI
We became inseparable. I only had a month left of school so I went to most of my classes but I stopped going home. I was afraid they try would to stop me from being with Rage. I would call home when they were out and leave messages. They left messages on my cell too.
My dad's voice came over my cell. "Daniel, we need to talk to you. If there is anything wrong, we can work it out but you owe us an explanation!"
Next message, "You better get your ass home right away or you'll be sorry! How can you do this to us? Your Dad and I are worried sick. He paid your cell phone bill."
Another message, unintelligible rustling and then Rage's squeaky voice making cat noises
Dad's next message. "I called the school today and they told me that you've been at your classes. I'm trying to get your Mom to back off a little but I wish we could get together to talk. If it's drugs, you know that I've been through it and you know I can help. Please call me. I love you."
It's not that I made up my mind to live with Rage, it's that I came to the realization that I couldn't live without him. Even an idyllic love affair like this isn't anything without adversity. Knowing this, I live in fear. I lived in fear that someone or something is going to take him away from me or one day he'll tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. The thought of this can turn my whole world so black in seconds. It can put me on a journey of murderous torment and torture. I guess maybe I avoided love because I was afraid of the pain and hurt that can come of it. I always thought I had common sense, well it's gone. I am in this relationship and I have become a prisoner of it.
VII
I came home to change my clothes.
My Dad tried to corner me. "Listen Mister, we have to talk!"
I hate it when my Dad tries to exercise authority. I turned around, let my arms drop to my side and then, let my whole body slump still in a standing position.
I looked at the floor and moaned, "What?"
Instead of reading me the riot act, he tried confiding in me. "Look Daniel, I'm worried about you. If it's drugs you can tell me because I have been there."
I didn't answer.
He continued, "If it's pot, I'm not so worried. I'm not sayin that's it a good idea to be smoking pot because you are still in school, but if it's anything else and I am worried. You can start these things and think you got it all under control and..."
I interrupted him, "Dad, it's not drugs."
He looked puzzled. "Well what is it then?"
He re-appealed in an effort to drag it out of me. "What's goin on with you?"
Still looking down at the floor I said, "I'm seeing someone."
I guess the idea that I would be in such a state over simple dating hadn't occurred to him.
I looked up at my Dad and said, "There's more."
We were not really on the same wave length but he was doing his best to be understanding and receptive.
I looked down at the floor again as if I had committed a crime. "It's with a guy."
I hate the fact that the first thing that must have gone through his mind was a guy he knew from work. Fred Sobel, he works out all the time and was constantly smiling. He had a huge set of white capped teeth that made him look like an exaggerated movie star.
From the look on his face, I guessed that he had never thought of that kind of possibility in his soccer playing son.
He started out by saying, "Well, you know that your Mom and I are pretty accepting. We like gay people."
He instantly realized that it was not the right thing to say. "Look, I'm going to have to think about this a bit but I want you to work it out for yourself and I'm behind you on whatever decision you make. The only thing I ask is that you maintain school and I'll go along with everything else. I have only one other request, I don't care how late, come home at night to sleep so that we know that you are alright."
He was being so reasonable that it was almost irritating. I got my things and cleared out as soon as I could.
Before I went out the door, he said, "You know, you can bring him home to meet us if you want."
I slammed the door and ran down the stairs.
Yeah sure, bring Dracula Jr. home to meet the parents. My dad would shoot us both and then himself.
VIII
Once school let out, I negotiated with my Parents. I told them that I was in a relationship. They were very understanding. I resisted a meeting and reconciliation between the four of us. They considered me to be self-centered and selfish. The truth was that they were very curious to see who I had chosen for a mate. I was grateful that they agreed to cut me some slack for the summer. Now, my greatest conflict is how I felt about Rage and how what I thought everyone else thought about Rage. I refer to him as a little freak, a vampire, a Goth reject, but that's what I think everyone else looks at him and thinks. When I see him, I see him as beautiful delicate vulnerable, intensely sexual and rare. I only see good things. I don't see the bad things that people assume because they don't know him.
When I came in, Rage was in the bathtub. Old New York apartments often have a bath tub in the main room. Pulling my chair next to the bath tub, we chatted about my meeting with my Parents. He was in a cheerful mood.
"I don't know what you're worried about? I wanted to meet them. I would have told your Mom, You're son has the sweetest cum. You should see how far he shoots it."
That broke us both up. He added more.
"I want to get a camera so's I could take a picture of you when you're fucking my butt and we can send it to your Dad."
The weight of Parental obligation had been lifted and I was free to be here and take care of Rage. He stood up and I dried him with a towel. We kissed and he climbed into my arms. Rage makes me so happy.
"Rage, I like you clean, but not this clean. All of your beautiful scent is gone until tomorrow."
We cuddled together. I started our sex ritual and was surprised when he pushed my hand away.
When I tried again he looked at me and said, "Daniel, is it okay if we don't? I'm not feeling up to it. That's why I took a bath. You know, achy and all."
If you love someone, you don't force yourself on them. I was content just to be with him.
IX
Eventually the two of us began to roam the city together. We were so dissimilar in stature and appearance that no one took us for being a couple. I guess they figured that we were two students or just odd acquaintances.
One Sunday I got the bright Idea to visit Roosevelt Island. Sunday is always a good day to tour because everyone goes out of town on the weekends. Rage seemed agreeable so we started out. Roosevelt Island is a thin island set in the east river between Manhattan and Queens. It was long and sort of looks like a miniature Manhattan. At one end, there are still ruins of old small pox hospitals and insane asylums from the last century. I imagined that it would be fun exploring them. The only way to get out to the island from the Manhattan side is on a cable car tramway. It costs a token and it is about half the size of a subway car. It rides high above the East River right next to the 59th street Bridge. It is one of those genuine urban views. I was right; it was a slow day because we had the whole car to our selves. The car shoved off out in the air above the water.
I was scanning the cityscape when Rage came up close to me. He started pulling down my fly. I must have recoiled but he was not to be stopped.
He looked up at me and said, "Daniel, will you fuckin relax. Let me suck your dick, come on, see if you can get off before we get to the other side. Get your balls out and work on it."
He had my cock and was tugging on it, then he got on his knees and started sucking me. I was apprehensive and kept looking right and left and then behind me.
He looked at me again and said, "Come on, don't be such a pussy, get into it. No one is going to see us and if they do it's their good luck."
I realized that he was right but I was still nervous. I had to close my eyes to try to make it happen.
I got it up and it was good and I was beginning to get there when I heard him softly say,
"Ok, put it away, we are coming in and there are people on the platform."
I turned and organized myself and then the two of us walked off the tram like nothing happened.
Rage was laughing, "That was so fun, I like that! I just wish I had a mouth full when I walked past the people waiting to get on."
Once out of the car and off the platform, I relaxed and began to appreciate the fun and mischievous excitement Rage was trying to relay to me. We spent the afternoon finding places to hide and have quick and desperate, sex cutting it off just before I came so we could do it all over again in some other place. It ended up being a memorable day.
When we got back home and settled in, I said, "Why would you want to suck my dick in the cable car when we could have so much more fun here in bed together?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know?"
Still trying to figure out his reasoning I said, "Well, here we can do anything. We can really get into it and on the cable car, all you could do is suck dick and it was interrupted."
"Yeah, but it was fun, wasn't it?"
I answered. "Yeah you're right, it was fun, but I was still afraid that we were going to get caught. Doing shit like that is way hard to explain your way out of."
He turned and looked at me as if I was stupid. "Danny, don't you want sex to be unpredictable? Remember when we first met? You didn't know for sure if we were going fuck and when it happened it was so much fun. It was not being sure that made it so intense and so exciting. It makes my life an adventure like being in a story in a book."
He was lecturing me. "I mean, like, everyday, do you look at the time on your cell and do you say to yourself, it's five o'clock, time to fuck Rage, six o'clock, time to mike dinner, seven, time to organize my bubble wrap? Then when you get a job, you do more and more stuff that everyone says you have to do and soon there is nothing of you left because you become part of someone else's giant machine. I don't want to be part of a machine. How I have sex is a lot of who I am and for me, it's more fun if it's a surprise. It has to be spontaneous, and it can be somewhere where I might get caught and if it is, it will definitely be exciting."
I made the mistake of thinking of him as being childlike and he comes up with street knowledge that puts all my book learning to shame.
He cuddled up next to me as if he was apologizing. "I don't like to have, "Time to suck dick." on a fucking schedule."
I realized that he was far from defenseless.
Rage went on. "You don't want fucking me to become something that becomes boring?.. because if it becomes boring, then sooner later, you will get so used to me and then you'll get tired of me and you will just throw me away like trash."
I looked into his face and said, "I would never ever do that."
It would occur to me only later that I had overlooked an ominous sub-text.
X
I called Rage. "I'm uptown, doin stuff but I'll be there in about an hour."
Rage answered. "Yeah, well we're gonna have company. Jacques is here and Kick is comin over. I figured we could buy Chinese. Could you stop by the Lucky Garden and double our usual?"
I said, "Ok, but I have to go home tonight. There's no way out of it."
Rage sounded disappointed. He had the tendency to lean on me financially but I loved him so much I didn't mind. Actually spending what little money I had on him made me feel like a man. I carried the large bag of Chinese up the five flights of stairs. Rage quickly let me in.
"Kick is on her way over and then we can eat."
Rage was tidying, making up the day bed and putting stuff away.
The bathtub that sat in the middle of the main room, had a white porcelain cover that when it covered the bath tub, doubled as a kitchen counter. This is also common in New York tenement apartments.
I began to set out all the Chinese food when I saw him sitting in the corner. He was wore a black leather jacket and had on smart creased jeans. It was a shock to see him sitting there. He was balding and wore dark glasses. To me, his presences was fearsome and unfamiliar.
Rage said, "Oh, I almost forgot, that's Jacques. He's a real good friend of mine."
The man stayed almost motionless except for a barely perceptible nod of acknowledgment he gave me. He was way over thirty.
I was fine before but he made me feel extremely uncomfortable.
I looked over at Rage and he pretended that he didn't notice my searching expression. There was a knock at the door.
When I opened it a boy as tall as me said, "You must be Danny, Rage told me all about you."
He was wearing a turquoise shirt and bright yellow pants. They were very tight and showed off a big piece of meat packed sideways. I looked and quickly looked away. The impulsive gesture was not lost on him.
He glided passed me into the apartment like he owned the place. He had shoulder length light brown hair and a rather large nose. He was cheerful and gregarious.
"I'm Kick."
Rage met him and they both hugged each other and laughed out loud. I noticed that Kick had a pierced tongue.
He was proud of it and showed it off by sticking his tongue way out. "You like it? It's for suckin dick."
Then he yelled, "Jacques!"
Kick ran over and sat his butt down in Jacques' lap. They kissed and sort had a momentary make out session.
If I was nervous before, I was much worse now. I tried to concentrate on the paper plates and plastic flat ware. Jacques stood up and gathered himself to leave.
Rage said, "Aren't you going to eat anything?"
The tall man turned his mouth down slightly and shook his head, no. I considered him intimidating. He hugged and kissed Rage and walked out. Almost immediately Kick started up with silly chatter. Everyone got a plate of Chinese. I took a small portion because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat much. Kick sat on a small beanbag chair and perched his plate on top of his knees and ate noodles. For some reason, he reminded me of Big Bird.
Kick excitedly told a story. "So, there's this place on the Westside around Fourteenth Street and you'd never know it's even there. I mean like, it's just a black door with graffiti on it. It's all locked up until around midnight and then...."
I looked at him wondering what happened then. He looked at me, then looked at Rage and then back at me.
He said, "Well, it's an after-hours bar but it is sort of a place where you can go to suck dick, you know and it is just full of men!"
He made a peculilar face approximating gradification and slowly said, "Ouch,"
For the first time I was apprehensive about this whole gay thing. I withdrew into myself and let Rage and Kick talk back and forth. I was thinking that I didn't want other people in on my love affair with Rage. I just wanted him and no one else in the world. I think Rage finally noticed my worried distance. He was not even five feet tall. He climbed into my arms to comfort me. We kissed and then he picked up his conversation with Kick.
He smiled and looked over at Kick. "Danny is the best."
I appreciated that Rage was trying to make me feel better. "He's a real man. He can do it so good and then do it again without stopping."
"Kick smiled, tilted his head and directed his comment to me, "Sounds interesting, what day do you have off?"
Both Kick and Rage laughed.
Over the course of the evening, Kick kept coming on to me and Rage pretended not to notice. I was flattered by Kick's attention but I couldn't warm up to him. All I could think of was how much I wanted to be alone with Rage. Finally Kick got up to go and my mood lifted. After he left, I pulled Rage down on the day bed with me. He was reluctant. After all I had been through and all I wanted was just to be with him and now everyone is gone and now he is rejecting me? He could visually see me going through changes. He sat down next to me and began to open my pants. I supposed he figured he had better do some disaster management.
He started sucking my cock.
In a hushed voice I said, "Rage let me fuck you."
Without taking his mouth off of my cock he shook his head no. I was perplexed.
When he took a break he said, "Come on, cum. You told me you have to go home tonight and I just don't feel like getting fucked right now."
He paused and then curtly said, "If that's okay with you?"
He lifted my balls out and stroked me in a way that only he could do.
"Come on Daniel, make it dirty. Decorate my face."
That was the sort of inspiration I needed to get me excited. Maybe it was my pent up frustrations or maybe I was even angry but degrading him sexually came to me easily.
We kissed and made up.
I didn't want to go home but I had promised my Dad I would. Once out on the street I took my time and contemplated the whole evening. I kept thinking about that guy, Jacques. What the story on him? I was afraid to even think about what the nature of his relationship with Rage was all about.
"Shit, I left my Id at Rage's"
I turned to go back. On the far end of the block is saw a figure come out of the building. It was Rage. I went to call for him but he was met by Kick and they both got into a cab and quickly drove off. I looked at my cell time. It was 11:55p.m.
If I had to describe the emotion I felt seeing Rage climb into a taxi with Kick, it would be one word, Panic. I surely felt this way but I had no idea what to do about it. My mind raced. He and Kick had disappeared into the bowels of the city and the night. Probably to that place Kick talked about where guys go to suck dick. Why would Rage do this to me? He had to know that I was crazy about him and I would do almost anything for him. I looked around not knowing where to go. I looked at the trash that had accumulated in the gutter. I would give my life for him and he's goin off, not even to meet someone he likes better than me, but goin off to meet a fuckin stranger. He might get on his knees and look up at someone he don't even know and then suck his cock.
I had never felt this much torment in my life before. I thought about the whole evening leading up to me standing alone on the corner of East 4th Street. I had a pit in my stomach that wouldn't go away and it kept getting worse. This whole thing started when I saw that Pierre or Jacques or whatever the fuck his name was, sitting there in Rage's apartment. What was he doing there?
A wave of horror suddenly washed over me. Rage was making up the day bed when I arrived in the evening and I had seen him doing it when I left in the morning so it must mean that guy Jacques fucked him! My mind was spinning and I was getting sick to my stomach. It was a horrible vision. Rage being mounted from behind by this guy and he was looking at that guy the same way he looks at me.
And Kick, I hate him. He comes in and is telling Rage where he can go to suck lots of cock! Kick comes in and takes Rage away from me and delivers him into the hands of dark strangers.
"Fuck you Kick!"
I kept thinking about it over and over all night long until I got into an insane mania.
Rage didn't come home until later in the day. I know I looked like shit. I didn't sleep, I didn't change and I was in a state of serious depression.
Rage let me in. He acted fairly normal but said, "God, what happened to you, you look like you got the flu bug.
He knew something was up and he acted as if he wasn't in the mood for anything heavy.
I was past that. I had to get it out into the open.
"When I think about you having sex with someone else, I can see you with them in my mind and when I do, I fall apart inside. I never was in love with anyone else before so I am totally unprepared for this."
"Danny, what are you talking about?"
I said, "Are you and Kick fuckin around?"
He laughed in an effort to lighten things up. "Oh Danny, Me and Kick are more like girlfriends. I mean, we had sex together before I even met you but it was just for fun not like what you and me got. Today, we just look at each other and laugh at the idea."
I said, "What about what's his name, Jacques? He gives me the creeps like. He reminds me of a truck driver.
Rage tried to conceal his amusement. He tried to reassure me." Oh, he's just a guy I know."
"So you didn't have sex with him?"
He looked at me angrily, "No, I didn't have sex with him! You must think I fuck everyone I meet."
I said, "So you're sayin, you didn't fuck him, then how come...."
He stopped me in mid-sentence.
"Okay, what if I did?" His eyes filled with fire.
"What if I did? I'm not a piece of property you know. You or no one else owns me. You must think I fuck everyone I meet."
We were both getting angry. I said, "Well you would if you could and you fucked me when we first met."
Rage was looking down examining his finger nails. "Well maybe I felt sorry for you."
I said, "What!? You felt sorry for me like I was a loser or something? I'm not the one that's looks like Dracula Jr."
He yelled back, "Well, excuse me! I should have said that you looked lonely and I thought you might be fun! That's a fucking compliment if you didn't know."
He came up to me and slipped his hand under my tee shirt.
"Danny, I can't help it, I don't live from day to day, I live from minute to minute. I just let things happen!"
He looked up at me and into my eyes. "I didn't do anything on purpose to hurt you, I was just being me. You can't think that I don't care about you. Look how we are when we are together."
I almost began to cry but held it in. "I was just so afraid that I was going to lose you and I started to fall apart."
He climbed up on me and buried his face in my breast. He was making me melt inside. His beautiful scent returned to me. We kissed and began to undress each other.
We awoke at dawn. Rage fixed some tea and then we continued our love embrace. Afterwards we both fell back into a deep sleep.
XI
There was a loud knocking on the door. I opened my eyes. Still naked, Rage got up and went to the door. There was a commotion and laughing. It was Kick. He glided right in as if the apartment was center stage. Rage hopped back in bed with me.
"Well I'm glad you two worked things out. Rage told me she couldn't possibly live without you so if you left she'd just have to kill herself, isn't that right Rage?"
Rage pulled the cover up over his mouth and laughed. Much to my surprise, Kick came over and climbed on the bed with the two of us.
I was trapped in the middle between two insane creatures. Even though I was still mad at Kick I was enjoying the obvious attention I was getting from both of them. Kick's cuddling was getting a little too familiar.
With a half smile I looked at him and said, "Stop that! Keep your hands on top of the blanket. I have all I can handle with Rage, thank you very much."
Rage knew Kick all too well and looked on with amusement. Then Rage started handling my cock under the cover.
I sat up, still trapped between the two and said, "You guys are weird, I know what's goin and I'm not getting into a threesome especially with you, Kick!"
I climbed naked out of bed and headed off to pee. When I came back, they were still monopolizing the bed but Rage was lying naked on top of the covers obvious aroused.
I must have looked annoyed when Kick said, "Daniel, will you fuckin relax. You two look so good together, I just want to see so it so I can spread it around the neighborhood and then you'll be the envy of everyone, don't you want that?"
The more Kick tried to encourage us to engage in front him the more willing and seductive Rage became. When I saw that, my resistance came down and my cock went up. Rage pulled me closer and began handling my cock.
Kick was thrilled. Breathlessly he said, "Oh, god, suck his cock. I wanna see."
Rage did, putting on a truly lewd performance.
Kick said, "Rage, you really have to get your tongue pierced like me it is so fuckin hot."
He looked up at me and said, "Can she get his tongue pierced? Please, please say yes."
Like I had any real say in the matter? I was learning that Rage would do whatever he wanted to do and on top of that, I was starting to feel like a sex object.
Kick was groping himself. His voice was decidedly sly. "Just to show you how much I respect you Daniel, I'll ask you first. Can I take mine out and have a stroke while you guys go at it?"
He didn't wait for an answer. He already had it out. In complete contrast from Rage's tiny little thing, Kick's cock was nothing short of a masterpiece. I admit that I was having trouble keeping my eyes off of it. Rage pulled me down on the bed. He raised his legs up and offered me his behind hole. Carefully I penetrated him and he clung to me. Kick was up close watching and encouraging as if he was the devil himself. He had removed all his clothes.
I felt his arm across my back and he whispered softly in my ear, "You fuck Rage so good, let me do it to you at the same time?"
My first impulse was to tell him to fuck off but the idea took hold and began to grow. He was behind me while I fucked Rage. I felt Kick's stiff cock searching between my legs.
He whispered, "Please, please say yes."
This was uncharted territory for me and.... suddenly fell completely under Kick's twisted influence. Like Rage, ....I just let it happen.
XII
Of course Rage got his tongue pierced, but then so did I. He encouraged me to get a labret. He said it was fierce and when I looked in the mirror, I had to agree.
Rage sat on the bed stroking his chin with his thumb and his forefinger, concentrating on my appearance. They were a pair of very tight black jeans. I could barely get them on.
He said, "Turn around, let me see your ass."
I had to say something, "Rage, Robert Plant and the seventies are over a long time ago and these pants are showin way too much meat."
He was studying me. "Yeah, well they're showin it again, plus, it makes you look real good. Danny, do me a favor and take off those jocky shorts and put the pants back on."
He's acting like it a simple thing to take these stupid pants off. They are tight enough but even the foot hole is small. I grabbed on the room divider and Rage pulled as hard as he could. I mean, they were almost off except my feet were still stuck in them.
He said, wait a minute, "I got an idea."
I heard a series of clicks and saw the blade of a jiffy box cutter. He quickly came over to me, grabbed the waist band of my jocky shorts and started cutting.
I recoiled in terror. "Hey, you're gonna cut me with that thing!"
He wasn't to be distracted. I guess the blade was a bit dull because he grabbed my jockys and stretched them out and was trying to saw through them. He pulled them harder and I heard them rip and then he went back to sawing at them.
"Hey! Watch what the fuck you are doing your gonna cut me!"
Suddenly he freed my dick and it fell out.
He looked up at me as if he was angry, "Hey, will you fuckin relax!"
Then he finally got my shredded underwear off. Maybe it was the excitement or maybe fear can do it too, I don't know but my dick was half hard after all that. Rage pushed the pants up my legs so that I could stand up again. Buttoning them up was another story. He stood in front of me trying to help.
He snapped at me. "No, not that way, put you balls on one side and your dick on the other. Here, let me do it!"
I was not sure if it was worth it but he seemed satisfied. I went to put on my shirt and came up and grabbed it out of my hand.
"Hey, that's my shirt."
Rage quickly ran to the side of the room and threw it out the window.
"Hey! What ya do that for, I like that shirt?"
He was defiant, "Because I hate it and it looks stupid on you."
He gave me a frayed black one that he approved of.
I still mumbled, "Well, I liked that shirt."
Rage and I lived together all summer. I only saw my parents when I needed to talk about NYU coming up in the fall or I needed money. We weren't seeing eye to eye on anything.
We had a big fight that ended up with me saying, "Let's forget the whole thing, I'll start school in January when I figure out what I want to do."
My whole life was my relationship with Rage.
The powerful ingredient that made our love affair so intense was that we were totally different from each other. Almost complete and total opposites and it goes further than that. Rage couldn't, and wouldn't fit into the world I lived. In spite of the fact that my parents were old hippies, they had sold out to the machine and they were teaching me how to conform. Conversely, I didn't fit into his world of night creatures, artists and unorthodox sex. Rage's world was a world that he invented as he went along.
My parents, me and most people I knew, plan their lives for tomorrow and think about, "What if this?" or "What if that?" Rage lives in this very minute.....
Rage took pleasure in trying to re-design me and I also tried to change him into what I wanted but both of us changed in ways we had not expected or even intended.
We lived together five more months. Kick moved in and shared our small bed. He was the buffer between us and forestalled many fights and ultimatums but gradually Rage began to get bored and crave the unpredictable. He liked chaos because he said it made him feel real and more alive. As time went on I slowly realized that I could only share Rage's life, I could not possess it. Rage's allure and beauty made him reckless calculating and at times, even cold. My own disappointments made me philosophical and accepting of Rage's ways in a desperate attempt to hang on to him. The devotion I had for him was taken by him and also taken for granted. I don't blame him. I was a bit more in love with him then he was with me. It was supremely painful to see him get that look in his eye when he saw someone desirous and willing, someone who was different than me. Without looking back, he would go off and give himself to a perfect stranger. A day later he would return as if nothing had happened and soothe me as if I was the only one he really loved. I was grateful if for only that much, but I knew our life together was finished.
One day when I let myself into the apartment I found Jacques sitting on our bed reading.
I asked him where Rage was. He said, without looking up and in a French Canadian accent, "I don't know, he said he'll be back in a while."
He continued as if making a declaration. "I will be here for several months, if that is okay with you?"
I collected my belongings, looked around the small apartment for signs of someone who had changed my life forever and then, descended the stairs and walked out onto the street. I was devastated but there was nothing I could do. My love affair with Rage was over. A few days later, he called and we talked. It was a friendly conversation but there was no mention of me coming back so I suppose things had gone pretty much as he had planned. He said something about having to go back up the Canada to renew his green card.
XIII One year later.
Kick was walking down St. Marks carrying a human form that had been bent and constructed out of chicken wire. Strangely, it looked sort of like a petrified shadow.
He looked at me and said, "Oh this?"
He proudly held his chicken wire effigy next to him as if it was accompanying him. "People throw out the weirdest things, I couldn't resist it."
He looked down the block and then back at me. He had a sad look on his face which was not something I expected from Kick.
He said, "I miss her, don't you?"
The Kick I knew was always shallow, self-centered, irrepressible and above all, very funny. I didn't say anything, I just looked down and nodded my head yes.
Kick said, "I talked to her a few weeks ago. She said that he and Jacques are going to Vancouver."
Kick looked as if he was going to cry. "Rage asked about you Daniel. She said that she was sorry but she would have eventually fucked things anyway."
Kick suddenly looked completely defenseless, vulnerable and in spite of his wiry companion, totally alone. His theatrical façade was gone and suddenly I felt close to him. We moved towards each other and embraced out in the middle of St Marks Place. That was nothing unusual for the East Village but Kick and I had found a kinship we hadn't had before. Kick's smile returned.
He slipped his hand around my waist and said, "Hey, you wanna come see my new place down on Rivington Street?"
I know Kick only too well.
He said, "Yeah, it be fun to have someone to play with, especially someone like you.
Fini