"Gotta Tell You" muse52983@mindspring.com --------------------------------- This story is inspired by my own life. There's no sex. I've shared it with some eGroups and got some pretty good feedback, so I hope you will enjoy it as well. That's all I gotta say really. Enjoy. ---------------------------------
Whatever it was that made me do it, I'm glad I did (eventually). This one particular visit to the Ricchino's house was on a cold December morning, the kind where you could see your own breath as you exhaled. I walked up to the frontdoor and rang the doorbell. The wind was pretty chilly and I wanted to get inside quick.
"Hey," Dino said letting me in.
I stepped inside and took off my coat, placing it on a chair. Dino went back into the kitchen. He was pouring some cereal and had offered me a bowl, I declined. He only had on a wifebeater and black sweatpants, a nice thing to look at.
"Cold day, huh?" I asked. I didn't really have anything interesting to say.
"Yeah, but it's warm in here."
"I bet..."
I signed internally, asking another question.
"Any plans for today?"
"Um, no. Not really, you?"
"Nope. Just another Sunday."
"Yeah. I hate Sundays."
"Wanna do something?"
"Sure. What?"
"A game."
"We're 17. I think we're a little too old for games."
"Not this game...."
"What are you talking about?"
I smiled and turned, walking into a distant hallway. Curious, Dino followed my path. He followed me into his parents' bedroom. They were almost never home on the weekend, so it was just Dino and the big house of his.
"What are you doing in here?" he asked.
"The game's in here."
"I don't think my parents have any games in here."
"No, but I do."
"Huh?"
"How long have we known eachother, Dino?"
"Um ... four months?"
"Good months, right?"
"Right."
"Um ... don't you feel this kind of, you know ..."
"Feel what?"
"Come on, Dino. You know."
"No really, I don't. Explain."
"Haven't you ever been curious? About me."
"What do you mean?? I know everything about you I think."
"Not everything."
"OK, I'm just dying to know, Darren," Dino said sarcastically, "What don't I know about you?"
"You're cute when you're sassy," I snickered.
"What?"
"I said you're cute when you're sassy."
"Ooooook?"
"You don't get it, do you, Dino?"
"Not totally, but you said I'm cute. That's kinda creeping me out."
"Are you gay Dino?"
"WHAT? No."
"Bi?"
"No."
"Well I am."
"You are what?"
"Bi."
"Was this the game? Guess Darren's sexuality?"
"No. The fun hasn't begun yet."
"I get what you're trying to do, Darren. I'm not buying it. You're not bi."
I laughed, "Why would I lie about that?"
"I dunno, but you don't give off the vibes that--"
"WELL I AM."
"When did you know when you were bi?"
"I always kind of knew. To be honest, I didn't really accept it until a couple of months ago ... like four months ago."
"Oh ... OH."
An uncomfortable silence...
"Are you mad at me, Dino?"
"No. It's just weird. I never met a gay person."
"BI. Well I thought I was gay, but it's just harder for me to really like a girl."
"How the hell is it harder?"
"It just is. I don't know how to explain it."
"You don't have AIDS do you?"
"WHAT?"
"I was just--"
"That's really stupid thing to ask. I thought you would know better."
"How could I know better? I've never known someone that was bi."
"IT DOESN'T MATTER. I know you roll with the wrong crowd, but ANYONE with common sense should know not to ask such a stupid question."
"Whatever. Why not just go home now."
"No."
"I have feelings for you, Dino. I always have."
"Darren, really just go now."
"But --"
"GO."
"Fine, Dino. I'll call you later."
"Don't bother," he said seeing me out.
I was surprised with myself. I wasn't upset and I didn't cry. I wanted to get home quick so I could tell Jackie. Jackie is someone I talk to online. She's like a big sister to me and I tell practically everything, especially how much I lust for Dino.
Mom was gone for the day, so it was just me. I kept the phone with me in case someone called, I wouldn't have to get up. Laying down on the couch, I turned on the television. Nothing good was on, nothing ever is on Sunday. Slowly I started to drift off to sleep, but the phone had interrupted. I grunted and answered the phone. It was my mom. She said she would be home a little later than planned. I said okay and hung up. I liked having the house to myself, I could sing offkey as loud as I wanted without feeling embarrassed.
I woke up hours later, it was already getting dark out. I didn't know how I would be able to go to sleep tonight. I sat up and smelt for dinner, nothing was cooking.
"Mom?"
I guess I was still home alone. I hope she's okay. Maybe I should call her cell to check up. I'm sure she's fine. Seeing it's almost nine, I might as well go shower and see if I can go back to sleep, there's nothing else to do. After my shower and the other usual hygiene stuff, I watched a little more TV. I landed on the Cartoon Network. The Flinestones were on. That got me thinking of him. I'll just talk to him tomorrow. He probably needs more time to chill. I didn't bother eating, I didn't have much of an appetite surprisingly.
Getting up, I put the phone back on the charger just as it rang. I guess it was my mom again.
"Hello?"
No answer.
"Helloooooo? Anyone there? You called, I answered. Speak now or forever hold your peace," I said ready to hang up.
"Hi..."
"Dino?"
"Yeah."
"Can we talk tomorrow? I'm going to sleep."
"It's only nine."
"Yeah. I know."
"Just give me a minute."
"OK. You have a minute ... starting ... now.
"Come on, Darren. Stop."
"Okay, you two minutes."
"Fine. Why did you tell me the things you told me?"
"Why do you think I did?"
"If I knew, I wouldn't ask."
"I told you because I like you. That's why. I wanted to tell you how I felt."
"But WHY? Why couldn't you keep it to yourself?"
"I have! For four months!"
"But now things are all weird."
"Yeah. I know."
"Darren, you know I put up with a lot of crap from my other friends just because we're friends. When they find out, I'll never live it down."
"They won't find out. You're not saying a word about it."
"You don't make sense. You told me you're bi, but you won't tell anyone else?"
"That's right. I'm not ready."
"I dunno ... this is too much."
"Why is it a big deal, damnit? It's just my sexual preference. How does it effect the things we do?"
Dino didn't answer.
"Exactly. It DOESN'T, Dino."
"Why couldn't you just tell me you're bi without telling me you like me?"
"It comes with the package, hun."
"Don't call me that."
"What's the matter? Am I making you uncomfortable?"
"No. it's just creepy."
"Then you're uncomfortable with it. Seriously, I never tripped over anyone before until I met you ... I couldn't help it, Dino."
"So do you get off of me at night or something?"
"Not just at night, hun."
"STOP THAT."
"Tell me, Dino. If you had a choice between a nice juicy hot dog or a cold fish sandwich, which would you buy?"
"Funny. I'm not that dumb."
"Sure fooled me."
"Why are you so afraid of my sexuality, Dino?"
"I'm not afraid of it."
"But you don't understand it."
"You're right, I don't understand it. Why did you choose to be bi?"
"I didn't choose to be bi. It's just the way I am."
"Aren't you worried you might go to hell?"
"You don't seriously believe that do you?"
"I don't know. It might be true."
"It's not. God wouldn't make people like me if he didn't want us to be this way."
"Darren, I don't know if you can sit with me tomorrow at lunch."
"Why not?"
"Shut up you know why."
"Yeah, I might shoot a load all over your chicken sandwich, huh."
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean?"
"It's just too weird."
"What are you going to tell your friends then if they ask where I am?"
"I'll just make something up."
"Sure you will, Dino. Watch it be something really lame."
"I'm sure I'll be over it a few days. Until then, I'm not really going to talk to you."
"Whatever, Dino... that hurts."
"I'm not trying to hurt your feelings."
"Well you did."
"I don't have many friends, Dino. Just you and Zack and I barely talk to him anymore. He hasn't talked to me much ever since I told I was bi, and now you're going to do the same."
"I can't help it if Zack doesn't talk to you much, but it doesn't mean I'm going to do that, too."
"You say that now, but by next month I'll just be 'that one guy'."
"You think you know everything, don't you? Newsflash, YOU DON'T."
"Sure I do."
"No you don't. You're obnoxious."
"You're conceited."
"You're a fag."
I hung up at this point. I still didn't cry. I was just hurt. I didn't think he'd go low enough to say that.
I heard the front door unlocking.
"Hey, Darren," mom said coming in.
"Hi..."
"Did you eat? I bought Chinese."
"Um, yeah... I'm going to bed early tonight."
"Oh. You okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine."
"Oh ... OK. Good night."
"'Night."
It took forever to fall asleep. The word fag echoed over and over again in my mind.
-
- NEXT DAY * *
I took the bus today. I usually got a ride with Dino, but for obvious reasons...
I did the usual; went to my locker, got my books. I'd see Dino at about this time, but I didn't see him. Good I thought. I don't want to see his cute mug right now, his cute hateful mug. I'd end up seeing him in first period anyway. It's funny, he usually comes in late even though we ride in the same vehicle. He'd try to get me to go smoke with him, but I'm not that dumb. Actually I tried it once, but it wasn't lit...
Ten minutes into class, Dino showed up. He always was able to get a late slip from the office, Mr. Slick he is. I avoided eye contact with him however. He sits right across from me, so it was going to be hard. I slipped a few times, but he wasn't looking at me, so it was okay.
Second, third, and fourth passed pretty quickly, but then the lunch period came. I knew I wouldn't sitting with him. I went to the school library instead like I used to before I became friends with Dino. It's been forever since I've been in here. After lunch was over, I went to my locker to get my English book. Dino was there. I froze for a moment, my heart felt like it had stopped or something. Those eyes looked directly in mine. His eyes does this certain thing where they turn shiny crystal blue. I love it, but I couldn't stand looking at him right now. How ironic.
"Hey," he said.
I mumbled something and continued getting my English book. He was saying something, but I wasn't paying attention. I closed my locker and walked away. No point in that really, we had the same English class next. He actually made it on time (he followed me).
Dino didn't bother to try to talk to me during class. I didn't want him to, so good.
Two weeks passed ... not a word spoken between Dino and I. I bet his friends were happy about that. I didn't want to, but I still loved him. I realized that even more as time went by. So much, I actually broke down in the shower last night. Dino wasn't my friend anymore.
The next day seemed to drag along slowly. When I went to my locker after lunch to get my English book, some thing fell out of it to my surprise. It was an index card by the looks of it. I picked it up without thinking twice to look at it. I just put it back in my locker, but curiosity got the best of me. I put the card in my pocket and went to class.
In class, I jotted down the word of the day like I always do and started on D.O.L. Throughout the class I didn't even glance at Dino, not even a thought about him. I was in my own little world being lonely to notice anything. I wanted to sleep. I put my head down on my desk and closed my eyes. At the end of class, I had the index card stuck to the side of my face. I peeled it off and started read it as I went my Marine Science. Dead on I recognized the handwriting. It was of Dino's.
My parents and I are going to spend Christmas in Atlanta with my grandpa. Come by tomorrow before we leave at 4.
Dino
I was angry, then curious. I couldn't imagine what the hell he wanted to say. I had nothing to say to him...
Perhaps he wanted to give me a present, but it'd probably be a mean joke gift to poke fun of my sexuality I thought. For the rest of the day I debated with myself whether or not to go to Dino's tomorrow, as well as the next day. I was watching TRL and looked at the clock, it was 3:48. I had seven minutes to make a decision and five minutes to get there ... but I was so comfy on the couch ... damn him. I got my shoes on and hauled my ass over there.
For Florida, it a was considerably cold day. I had on a t-shirt, track pants, and a jacket. I saw Dino waiting for me in front of his house, no present in hand.
"Hey," he said walking towards me.
I looked at him, keeping my silence.
"I'll be back after New Year's ... I wanted to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry, Darren. I'm sorry I called you a fag, and I'm sorry I blew up on you."
"And you couldn't tell me this on the phone or at school?" I said getting annoyed.
"No. It's wouldn't be right ... OH I have a present for you, too."
"Where is it?" I asked.
"It's not something you hold."
"Oh..."
"It's not something you use, either."
"Damnit just give it to me Dino. Enough games."
"My blessing."
"Your blessing?"
"Yeah. I accept you being bi and have nothing against you."
"I'm missing TRL. Bye."
"No, wait. That's only half the gift."
"Yeah, this should be good."
"You tell me."
Now this was the moment that changed it all. Within the second of finishing his sentence, he leaned in quickly and pecked my lips with a kiss. I felt angry. I felt very angry. I felt confused, but angry most of all.
"Merry Christmas," he said as if he just did me a big favor.
"Go to hell," I said turning around to leave.
"Darren, hold up."
I started to walk faster.
"Come on, Darren, wait."
Snapping like a twig, I turned around and tackled Dino. Pent up anger and frustration with the guy drove my fists to his face. He easily got me off, he being more muscular than I.
"What the hell is your problem?!" Dino asked getting up from the ground.
"Come on, Dino! Hit me back! We're going to have it out right here!"
"Are you crazy?! I'm not going to hit you!"
"But you love to fight and misbehave! This should be no different!"
"Not right here, Darren. Someone might see us."
"I DON'T CARE!" I hollered, my voice echoing in the cold air.
"What do I have to do to get you to calm down?"
"What the hell was that kiss?!"
"You didn't like it?"
"I didn't want it!"
"NO!"
"Why not?"
"UGH. Are that idiotic?! Just because I said I like you it doesn't mean it gives you permission to kiss me as a gift and expect me to like it! It doesn't make things better, it just made things worse!"
"Then what the hell do you want me to do?"
"There's nothing you can do. Just go to your grandpa's and have a Merry Christmas. Bye..."
"Darren ... DARREN."
I didn't look back.
-
- CHRISTMAS DAY * *
"Wow. A new computer. Thanks," I said taking the rest of the wrapping off.
"Your welcome. Try to act surprised. Now smile," my mom said taking a picture.
So I got a new computer for Christimas and $250, I still felt crappy. Everyday I found myself being depressed, just sitting in my room not doing anything. I felt as if I made a mistake. How could I ever feel the same way about another guy again?
I went to my room and set up my new computer. Ahh finally, some justice in the world. Now I could talk to Jackie without saying "my computer messed up" every ten minutes. I already had the stuff on a zip disk that I wanted to put on my new computer, so I did that and spent an hour putting everything the way I wanted to. My brother came in my room with the phone.
"Who is it?" I asked
"Ben."
"Ben?"
One of Dino's lackys.
I never talked to Ben unless Dino was there.
"Um.. hello?"
"Darren?"
"Yeah, it's me."
"You didn't hear yet?"
"Hear what?"
"Dino, he's in the hospital."
"WHAT?" I practically fell out my chair.
"His dad lost control of the wheel. The road was too slippery."
"Oh my god ... how are his parents?"
"Their doing okay, but Dino's hurt bad."
"How bad?"
"I don't know."
"What hospital is he in?"
"I don't know."
"What do you know?!"
"Relax. I'm sure he'll be fine."
Aren't you worried?"
"Yeah, but it'll be okay."
"Ben, your FRIEND is hurt. Have a little more compassion."
"HEY. I have compassion. Chill."
Angered, I hung up and sat on my bed. A tear ran down my cheek, then another.
Everyday since then I went by to Dino's to see if he was back yet. He wasn't. It was a week after winter vacation and I feared the worst. The question of how bad was he hurt digged at my brain for hours at a time. I just wanted to know if he was alive.
February was approaching fast. The nights leading up to it were nearly sleepless ones, it took a long time trying to fall asleep. I had nightmares sometimes about him, of what could of happened. I was almost certain he was gone.
Dino was all I could think about. The whole thing started to affect my grades and my mom noticed a change in me. She tried to comfort me with her words, but it wasn't enough to push the feeling out of my head that Dino was gone.
I couldn't believe it. I saw a real estate agent sticking a for sale sign in Dino's lawn. I asked the real estate agent if she knew anything about it, but she hadn't any information for me. From then I was convinced Dino would never be coming back. I kept hope alive he was still breathing somewhere, but as corny as it sounds, he was starting to die in my heart.
I started sleeping late on Saturdays again. My mom knocked on my door telling me it was almost two and I should get up. I hate when she does that. After getting dressed and what not, I found that mom made me a grilled cheese sandwich and patato wedges. She hasn't done that in a long time, so it was a nice little surprise I guess.
"How are you?" mom asked pouring me a drink.
"Fine..."
"You have mail."
"Another college app?"
"No. A letter from Dino."
My heart sank to my stomach. It couldn't be. It just couldn't.
"Here."
I put my glass down and took the envelope, carefully examining the handwriting on the return and deliver address. It was sloppy, but it was Dino's.
"Well? Aren't you going to open it?"
"Um..."
"Okay, it's fine," mom said getting up.
I opened the envelope, inside contained a photo and a letter. I looked at the photo. It was him in bed. He had a cast on his leg and on both arms, a large bandage wrapped around his forehead. Tears formed at my eyes. I read the letter next.
I don't know if you care or not, but I was hurt bad. My dad flipped the car. Somehow I was the only one hurt. Go figure... My parents decided it was best to move back to New York. They were talking about it for sometime. I guess the accident finally pushed them. I'm getting physical therapy soon. Tell the guys I said bye. Take care, Darren.
Dino
I wasn't hungry anymore. I felt like throwing up.
I was surprised when I received another letter a few days later. Dino wrote again. All it had on there was a phone number. I learned my lesson the first time calling someone long distance, so I went to 7-11 the same day and spent all the money I had on four phone cards. I was a little too confident I think.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Mrs. Ciccone. It's me Darren. How are you?"
"Hi! So nice to hear from you. I'm great. Dino gave you the new number?"
"Yes. Is he around?"
"In bed almost 24/7. I'll put him on."
"Thanks."
My heart started to race as I waited to speak to Dino. The feelings were coming back. My face felt like it was starting to burn.
"Dino?"
"Darren?"
"Yep, last time I checked."
"Thanks for calling."
"Sure ... how's your body feeling?"
"Numb. I have pain killers."
"Oh ... Dino, you know that I --"
"Yeah I know."
"LET ME FINISH ... you know that I worried a lot about you, but I don't even know what to say to you now. It's been awhile."
"Just say SOMETHING. I'm bored out of mind."
I chuckled, "Oh, no one to talk to?"
"I talk to the TV, but it doesn't talk back."
"Yeah ... TVs usually don't talk back ... I don't know what to say to you, Dino. There was like a million things I thought of saying, but ... I don't know."
"How about saying I'm glad you're OK."
"I AM."
"Then say it, dude."
"I'M GLAD YOU'RE OK, DINO .. damn ... come on, you know how I feel ... I shouldn't have to say it ... um, so what've you been doing?"
"Watching TV. That's all I can do."
"How the hell do you go to the bathroom?"
"I have a tube."
"Disgusting."
"Yeah I know."
"So.. you going to summer school to finish the year?"
"No. I'm being home-schooled next week."
"Lucky. I heard that's way easy."
"Yeah, I'm phsyched."
"How's physical therapy going?"
"It's okay. It shouldn't be too long until I got on crutches."
Over the next few months, Dino and I talked a few times a week. The best part was I got to visit him towards the end of my summer vacation for a week. He was able to use crutches by then which was good. He made a few friends, people of course I didn't like, but he's Dino, what can I really expect. My last day in New York was the worst. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave Dino and not see him again for only God knows how long. He joked throughout the time I was there that he was going to "rock my world" but I laughed with him. Nothing happened. His dad drove me to the airport. Dino came with. I was expecting anything, but he gave me a few general interest magazines, I guess to give me something to do on the plane.
We never have, but we hugged. Like a real hug, none of that macho give me a pound stuff. On the airplane, I got bored very fast like I predicated. I wanted to cry. I did, but I kept it to myself, just letting tears run down my cheeks.
I missed him, but this was a great summer, probably the one I was most happy. I looked through a few of the magazines to pass some time. I saw a few articles that interested me, but most interesting of all was a Polaroid taped to page 15 of Teen People.
"Told you I'd rock your world," it read on the back.
I pulled it off the page and flipped the pic over to see the front.
"Oh my god..."
A huge smiled spread across my face. Yep, the best summer ever.