Hi everybody,
I was feeling really depressed and was all set to write something reflecting that, then I ended up staying somewhere w/ cable, and well, saw Crocodile Hunter four times in one day. And I thought (as I'm sure many of us have) what if...
Hope you like it. It cheered me up. :) Write me at silentkid@angelfire.com
Crocodile Hunter rated: PG
Disclaimer: Based on the tv series Crocodile Hunter and Steve Irwin and his lovely wife Teri. Darren is the "Steve", Dan is the "Teri"-esque counterpart. Don't own them, no inferences should be made about any of the 4 people regarding their activities or proclivities or behaviours.
A Day At the Croc Lake, Darren and Dan are filming for their tv show, Croc Files-- Darren wears a tan button up "safari" shirt and little tan shorts that barely cover his bum. Dan wears a similar shirt, but is more sensibly dressed in shorts that stop just above his knees. They both wear thick leather boots.
Darren:(brightly, to camera) Today we're on the trail of one of the rarest crocs in Australia--the Phineas Oreaborealus Oreous, or the Oreo, as I like to call 'er! Ready, Dan?
Dan: (not as obnoxious, but still perky) Ready, Dare! Let's go!
Darren: Have you got the camcorder, Dan? We want to get all this on tape!
Dan: Got it, mate! (waves camera)
Darren: Crikey! There she is! (pointing excitedly and crouching at the marsh's edge) Isn't she a beaut? Get a close up, Dan!
(Dan zooms in on Darren's ass)
Darren: Did ya get 'er?
Dan: Oh, yeah.
Darren: Do you see those hard scales? That's for protection. Isn't that right, Dan?
Dan: Huh?
Darren: Dan! Are you staring at my bum again?
Dan: (brightly) That's right, Dare! Er, I mean, no. Er, uh, huh?
Darren: (voice over) While Dan collected himself, I decided to go looking for a nest!
Dan: (voice over) While I collected myself, Darren set off to find the nest.
In just a few moments, I was on his behind. Er, um, er...
Darren: All I had to do to find the nest was cut my way into the bush using this hacksaw (holds it up happily) then jump across this small creek, stopping to pull a leech off my thigh,
Dan: (interrupting) You wouldn't get a leech there if your pants didn't stop at your ass. Bloody distracting!
Darren: (ignoring him) Then I overturned this log, and dug into the sand five feet and voila! There she was..The most be-yoo-tee-full nest in the world!
Dan: (to camera) You have to be very careful not to harm the fragile ecology out here. One wrong move and you could endanger hundreds of species.
Darren: (spookily) That's right, Dan. Not to mention the ever-present danger of the mother returning!
Dan: Blimey! There she is!
Darren: (jumping into a tree) Keep the camera running, Dan! Crikey, she's bit my foot! Well, she's a real rip-snorter, isn't she?
Dan: (voice over) Luckily for Darren, he's sporting industrial strength work boots, the only thing a crocodile hunter really needs!
Darren: Grab her tail, Dan!
Dan: Do what?
Darren: Grab her tail! Her tail! Turn 'er around!
Dan: You're kidding, right?
Darren: Dan!
Dan: Ok, ok. (drops camera)
Darren: What are you doing? Keep filming!
Dan: Do you want me to film you, or rescue you?
(Darren thinks about this, kicking at the angry croc.)
Darren: (resigned) Rescue me, mate.
Dan: (shrugs) I was just filming your ass, anyway.
Darren: (shaking head) You are just useless. Ouch! (he scrambles higher in the tree)
Dan: Do you want me to save you or what?
Darren: Yes.
Dan: Then apologize.
Darren: I'm sorry.
Dan: (folding his arms over his chest) Now ask me to come save you.
Darren: What??
Dan: (resolutely) You heard me.
Darren: (sighing) Dan, will you please come save me?
Dan: You won't yell at me for filming your ass?
Darren: Well, I guess I should be flattered.
Dan: Yes, you should. I would be if you stared at my ass like I stare at yours.
Darren: Oh, but I do! (kicks at croc)
Dan: You do? Really?
Darren: Crikey, Dan, of course I do, baby! Now can you please help me?
Dan: (babbling) You know, I've thought about getting a pair of little shorts, too, but afraid my ass would look too bony...
Darren: Dan! Crikey, mate, this beautiful lady is gnawing up my leg!
Dan: Oh, right...
(he pulls the crocs tale and it turns and climbs down)
(voice over) Though I was momentarily distracted, I managed to regain my senses and save Darren's ass, er, life.
Darren: Thanks.
Dan: No worries.
Darren: Did you at least get any usable footage?
Dan: Um, depends on what you want to use it for...
Darren: Our tv show?
Dan: In that case--no.
Darren: Dan, don't take this the wrong way, but you're not going to do the filming anymore.
Dan: It's your own fault for wearing those shorts.
Darren: Oh, shut up. I like my little shorts.
Dan: Me too, mate. Me, too.
Darren: (voice over) With the day ended, we headed back to base and well deserved rest. I couldn't wait to get out of these muddy clothes!
Dan: (voice over) And I discovered another aspect of filming!
Darren: (voice over) You did what?
Dan: (voice over) uh...nothing.
Darren: Crikey!
Dan: (to camera) Next week, Darren and I leave the marsh to search for the Australian Camel. Tune in then!
Darren: 'Til next week! (waves cheerfully)
End credits roll
(in background, we faintly hear...)
Darren: Dan, really, what were you filming?
Dan: Oh, nothing.
The End.