This is a true story, taking place in the early 1990's. After originally meeting over the phone, Andrew and I decided to meet in person over Memorial Day weekend in 1990. Overcoming insurmountable odds, our long distance relationship was no more, as Andrew found work at the company where I worked at the start of 1991. Although our first year together as a closeted gay couple was one of extremes, we emerged most unscathed, but as 1992 came to a close and 1993 was about to begin, I had committed the ultimate sin and cheated on Andrew.
Please feel free to contact me, Austin T. Charles at austintc@aol.com I appreciate all feedback on my story!
I would like to thank one of my readers, Dan, who reminded me that the bar in Madison, WI, where Andrew and I used to go was located inside the Hotel Washington building, and was called The New Bar. The leather bar in the basement was called Rod's. The New Bar was where Josh and I met. The building succumbed to a devastating fire in February of 1996. The fire was said to be caused by an ash tray that was dumped in a trash can in one of the offices in the building. Very sad indeed. Here is the link for anyone who is interested in reading more about the fire:https://madison.com/wsj/news/local/remembering-the-1996-fire-that-destroyed-madi sons-hotel-washington/collection_9e671a82-5d76-5a57-af7c-1e7993f34cd0.html
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Austin and Andrew, Chapter 15
Christmas came and went, and soon 1992 turned into 1993. I would have liked to say that Andrew and I celebrated the new year in the same manner that we did ushering in 1992 by going to The New Bar in Madison, staying in the same hotel on Madison's west side, and celebrating the beginning of our third year together. But it did not happen that way. Andrew left for Minnesota on the 23rd of December and did not return until the 3rd of January. As they say when the cat's away the mice will play, and that was pretty much the case for me. Josh and I had been seeing each other every weekend since Thanksgiving by now. In the weekends leading up to Christmas we took day trips to several locations around southern Wisconsin including Milwaukee, La Crosse, and a few of the state parks in the southwestern part of the state.
Since Andrew was in Minnesota for the Christmas break, I invited Josh to spend a few days with me at the apartment. We spent most of the time at the apartment, although we did take a few hikes at Rock Cut State Park. Despite the cold and snow, we dressed warmly and hiked around the serene, wooded trails that were quiet except for a few other hikers. During the evenings we usually went out for dinner, then spent the night playing around in bed. I practically worshipped his tight, cute body with his big fat cock and smooth sack. He was everything in bed that Andrew wasn't -- a hard cock that wouldn't stop, leaked a lot of precum and always shot a huge load. But despite my overwhelming desire to worship his gift from god, he did not push me to have anal sex with him, due to the fact that I had not yet gotten tested for HIV. In some respect, perhaps I was a little apprehensive for fear of it actually really hurting having something that big inside me. The time we spent together during Andrew's absence was fun, nonetheless.
The new year began in the same manner as the old year ended. Andrew returned, we fell back into the routine of work during the weekdays, quiet times at night with Andrew leaving the house every night, and me going to spend the weekends with Josh. I was still enjoying living the best of both worlds, but as the month crept closer to an end, my new lover and possible soon to be ex-lover were growing tired of me and my weekend escapades to Madison. Josh wanted a commitment out of me in the sense that he wanted our relationship to take a step to the next level. He told me he loved me, and practically begged me to move to Madison, telling me that I could rent the vacant room in the apartment from his landlord and that it would be easier to find a job there if I was living in Madison. As enticing as that offer sounded, I knew inside that moving to Madison to have another roommate would definitely result in me coming out to my family. Josh was definitely out and proud and was not afraid to let everyone know about it. I was not quite at that step in the process just yet. This was evident as we went out for dinner at a nice restaurant for Valentine's Day. The dinner was awesome, our time together was fun. As we got up to leave the restaurant, in the entryway Josh embraced me, told me "Happy Valentine's day" and kissed me on the lips. I quickly pulled away in horror almost that he would do that, running the risk of being seen by the patrons of the restaurant. He got almost angry at me for being so appalled by his actions. I apologized and said that as much as I loved kissing him, I just wasn't ready to do it in public like that. He was still upset about it until we got back to his place and we went to bed where we came at the same time after blowing each other in a sensual 69 embrace.
The following Sunday morning as I prepared to leave for home just as I had every weekend since Thanksgiving, Josh and I sat on his bed and he pretty much issued me an ultimatum: Either I decide to commit to him by moving to Madison, or we break it off and I stay in Rockford with Andrew.
My "best of both worlds" scenario would soon have to reach an end, one way or another. After we parted with the taste of him still on my lips, I decided to drive to downtown Madison for a walk on State Street.
I loved being with Josh. He satisfied me sexually and I was deeply attracted to him physically, but maybe not so much mentally. I loved Madison and felt that this would be my chance to move there and start my life anew in a city that I'd always wanted to call home. I parked my truck near the Capitol building and began the five block or so walk to the UW campus. There weren't many people out yet, and the cold damp February air permeated the winter jacket Josh had given me for Christmas and caused me to shiver. I bought a coffee from one of the coffee shops, then stopped at a unique little store that sold soaps and all sorts of fun things. I purchased some stationery that would be perfect for letter writing and made my way back to the truck. I headed south to the beltline, headed east, and a few miles later I was on the interstate heading back to Illinois. While my favorite radio station at the time, Magic 98.1 FM from Madison played smooth jazz, my mind was deep in thought with the choice I would soon have to make.
The week began. Andrew and I had begun to talk again but were still sleeping in separate beds. I had sensed that he was getting tired of my weekly trips to be with Josh, and soon would be demanding the same decision that Josh wanted from me. As the week came to a close and my weekend trip to Madison was looming, Andrew approached me Thursday evening.
"Austin, we need to talk."
"Sure, okay, what's on your mind?" I asked while sitting on the sofa watching some mindless show on MTV.
"I need you to make a decision about your boyfriend in Madison. We cannot keep going like this. I haven't been sleeping well, and I miss being with you so much. But as much as I miss being with you and spending time with you, holding you, sleeping with you, we need to decide if we are going to keep being "us". I can't live my life like this, not knowing if I'm going to lose you. I really miss what we had and wish that we could go back to being like we were when we first met." Andrew's eyes began to fill with tears, and the icy front that both of us put up against each other was beginning to melt.
I didn't know what to say. I was lost. Never in my life had I been in a situation where I had two lovers who both wanted me. Yes, it was flattering, but my conservative mindset knew that I had to choose just one. A choice that would not be at all easy. Tears began to fill my eyes as well, and before I knew it, we were in each other's arms on the sofa, our lips met with the same passion and fury that we once enjoyed and lusted over during our times apart when he was in Iowa and I was in my house in South Beloit. The passion which once defined who we were came screaming back with a vengeance, and soon we were naked on the waterbed, Andrew's lips wrapped around my hard, dripping cock, his cock deep in my throat was well. The familiar scent of his body and crotch was like an aphrodisiac, and as we both approached the point of no return, I eagerly milked his cock like a calf takes to the mother's nipple, sucking his load down as he greedily did the same to me.
We collapsed on the bed in each other's arms. The distance between us caused by my infidelity now seemingly gone, or so I thought. As we embraced and shared the taste of our loads with a deep sensuous kiss, the memory of who we were as a couple quickly raced back to muscle memory, and Andrew truly did feel good in my arms. As much as my Madison lover made me feel good, the love shared by Andrew and me was a true love, unlike the so-called love between Josh and me.
The alarm went off as normal on Friday morning. We both woke up and realized that we'd fallen asleep together, just like we'd done so many nights before. A hint of normalcy had returned to us, but in the back of my mind the looming choice between Andrew and Josh had to be made very soon. I owed it to both of them, and myself.
*** Instead of making my weekend trip to Madison that third week of February, I decided to visit my best friend David in Dekalb, Illinois, a short hour's drive from our apartment. David had graduated from Northern Illinois University with a master's degree in English, which translated to him staying in Dekalb working at the university conducting phone surveys. Great use of a college degree, huh? We hadn't seen each other in quite some time, so I felt it was time to tell him some life altering news about me and see if he could offer some advice.
I arrived at his apartment Saturday afternoon around 2 pm. We decided to go get a pizza and catch up on old times. David and I talked over pizza about life in general. He asked about my job, Andrew, my family and if I'd heard from anyone we'd went to school with. He had met Andrew shortly after Andrew and I met. We were just getting ready to leave for dinner one afternoon when David showed up at my house driving a new Geo Metro. I guess I was sort of rude in saying that Andrew and I were just leaving, so we didn't stay very long to talk to David. I felt bad about it later, but since I was so smitten with Andrew that summer of 1990, I turned my back on my friends and my family to be with him.
About an hour or so after pizza, we wound up back at David's studio apartment. I was a nervous wreck, so afraid of David turning me away for what I was about to tell him. As much as the news about me and Andrew would probably shock him, it would be more shocking to me to know that for the first time I would actually admit to myself that I was in a gay relationship.
The actual words uttered by me that cold Saturday in February totally evade my mind as I write this today. But as I write my stories, I told the details leading up to the current crisis between my two lovers and me the same way. As a writer himself, David was patient enough to listen intently until those three words came out of my mouth: I am gay. He almost fell off his chair in shock. He had no clue. He took a moment to make sure he heard me correctly. Once I took a few deep breaths and let the news sink in, David got up, embraced me, and told me that no matter what he would still be my friend. I felt relieved, but then as I began to detail to him the quandary I was in, basically being torn between two lovers, my best childhood buddy put up a stop sign and told me that he had no answers for me, as he had zero luck in the dating department and could offer no advice to a straight person, let alone a gay man who allowed himself to hurt the one who loved him most.
We did continue to talk things over, and perhaps just telling him about Josh and more about Andrew than what he already knew (the truth), helped lead me to a conclusion on what I needed to do. Many times in situations like these, we might think we know the correct course of action to pursue, but until we bounce the ideas off another person and actually hear ourselves talk are we able to come to a decision that for the most part is the best action to take.
I left David and Dekalb around 8 pm that Saturday evening. We parted as the same friends that we'd always been. He had told me that it might take some time for him to digest the news I told him about me, and I did tell him that I would not divulge any of the gory details of the relationship woes between Andrew, Josh, and me to him anymore, but would try to make a point to keep in touch with him. Little did I know at that time that it would be one of the last times I would see David again. Twenty-eight years have passed since we talked that Saturday. Sadly, for most of those years David has been in and out of homeless shelters, the last being in the San Diego area. Of course he did not leave because of me, but it's sad to think that someone so educated was so uneducated on how to live.
The work week began once more, and as quickly as it began, the weekend came even quicker. Andrew and I began sleeping together in the same bed again. He was quite surprised then to know that on Saturday morning I took off for Madison to see Josh. In fact, he was quite upset, as he was thinking that Josh and I were over. We were not. Just as we had for the better part of December, January, and part of February, we spent the weekend together. I loved being in his arms, laying naked together in his bed after we'd just sucked each other's cock dry. I loved going for frozen custard in the afternoon before going to see a movie, holding hands, and of course kissing each other. I loved being away from Rockford, from Illinois, and loved being in Madison. Yes, I could envision a life with Josh, living in Madison.
Oddly enough though, the anticipation of someday soon feeling him deep inside me was what had me blindsided to ignore the little things about him that bothered me. As soon as we both got tested for HIV, then I would be able to feel him bareback in me. Why did that seem to matter most to me? The little things that bothered me, by the way, were the fact that he was out, and I wasn't, that he had a lot of friends and although he said he loved me, I wasn't completely comfortable knowing that he was committed during the week to just being with me. That in itself should have been a red flag, but once again, I only thought about one thing, and just like most guys get accused of only thinking with their little head, I was certainly guilty of only thinking about being on the receiving end of Josh's little head.
Since Josh and I had not been together for two weeks, the time we spent together that weekend was awesome. We had gone out to eat at a Thai restaurant, then had some frozen custard before going to the New Bar again for some dancing after we caught the late show at the movie theater. Like it had always been, the sex between us was hot. After returning from the bar I sucked him off in the shower, then in his bed, in the shower Sunday morning and back in his bed again before I got ready to leave. I never got tired of worshipping his cock.
I was just about to leave, and we were sitting on the edge of Josh's bed. I could sense something was bothering him and finally he began.
"So Austin, I've really enjoyed this weekend being with you. I'm so looking forward to you moving up here and starting our lives together. I take it you've made your decision and are going to move up here, right?"
We had not yet talked about my decision during the weekend yet until it came up just before I left. Honestly, I had not yet made my decision. But as he started the dialogue, I knew I'd either have to give him an answer now or at least by Monday.
"Um, oh man. You know, it was a crazy week at work, and I thought a lot about you and me, but um, no I haven't made my decision yet. I'm sorry, I know I owe you that much. Can I, um tell you tomorrow?"
I could sense his frustration with me.
"I need to know. One way, or the other. You're right, you do owe me that much. We cannot keep playing this game that I'm just your toy for weekend fun. I want to be with you and for us to be together. But if you're not going to decide, or not going to be with me, I'm just going to move on."
I agreed with him. I gathered my things and prepared to leave. When we got to the front door of the apartment, we held each other a long time, our goodbye kisses deep, long, convincing. I desperately wanted to go back upstairs and just say what the fuck and let him plunge his hard cock that was pressed up against mine deep in my hole, giving me the pleasure and pain that I so much wanted. But in my heart, I had a sinking feeling that this would be the last time I would hold him in my arms, kiss his lips, feel his rigidness against me, giving me the pleasure that my raw desire craved. I told him on the way out the door that I would talk to him later and would hopefully see him the next weekend. He told me he loved me, I told him the same, smiling as I opened the door to my truck.
The engine of the truck roared to life, and soon I was on the interstate heading south listening to the same radio station from Madison that I always listened to. The weather forecast was calling for a winter storm to start soon, with up to six inches of fresh snow forecasted. But as I headed south, I took the first exit to the right and found the entrance to the small state park, Lake Kegonsa, which is located between Madison and Stoughton. I was greeted at the guard shack by a state worker, who informed me that the park was open, but I should be advised that the roads were snow covered and might be difficult to navigate. I did tell her that I just needed some time to think and that my four wheel drive truck would keep me from getting stuck. She smiled and waved me through and told me to enjoy my stay. As I drove into the park, I found a parking area near the frozen lake. I was alone and had thought about venturing out into the park for a short hike, but just as I had that thought, a few renegade flurries bounced off the windshield of the truck, which were soon followed by hundreds and thousands of flakes that began to accumulate on the truck and everywhere else in the park.
The only sounds I heard were the radio and the windshield wipers intermittingly cleaning the windshield of the truck. I stared blankly out to the lake, lost in thought for several minutes, trying to make sense of my life and the choices I needed to make. As the view of the opposite shore of the lake became lost in the thickening flakes, my vision became clear, so I reached for the bag of stationery that was still in the truck from my last visit to Madison, took out a sheet, and began to write.
Dear Josh, It's only been a half hour since I've left your apartment where I've had some wonderful memories of our time together. The past three months have been magical in many ways. I love the time that we spend together, going out for dinner, movies, frozen custard, dancing, and just spending time with you. You deserve to have my answer on our future, and while I should have told you before leaving today, I wasn't entirely sure of what that answer was. But now I realize what that answer is.
As much as I want to move up to Madison to start our life together, I cannot just up and leave everything I have in Rockford. Yes, I don't like living there, but it has been my home for over thirty years. I have a good job, my family lives there and I'm in an apartment with my...roommate and we have a lease for three more months. I can't leave him hanging for the lease.
Also, I applaud you for being yourself and being out. At this point, I am not comfortable in making that decision yet. I am not ready to tell my family or my close friends. I cannot ask you to hide who you are, and if we are together, I would have to make that decision sooner than later, and I'm just not at that point. I hope you understand.
So for me, I have to make the difficult decision to let you go. I am going to miss you immensely, especially holding in you in my arms, and being with you in the sensual ways we've enjoyed. But I know it's what is best for both of us. Hopefully, we can still be friends and keep in touch. Take care and best of luck to you. Love, Austin
The tears began to flow from my eyes, and I could still smell his Calvin Klein Obsession cologne on my sweatshirt and jacket and could still taste him on my lips. I re-read the letter, folded it, put it in an envelope and wrote Josh's name and address on the outside. After spending an hour in the truck during a snowstorm at Lake Kegonsa State Park writing the letter to Josh, I found a stamp in my wallet to affix to the envelope. I drove out of the park, waving to the lady in the guard shack on my way out. I found a mailbox outside of the truck stop near the interstate, and before I changed my mind, deposited the letter to Josh in the mailbox. Just like that I closed the chapter on the best chance I'd ever had to move to Madison and move away from Andrew, my family, my job and Rockford, Illinois. I turned up the music on the radio, put the truck in gear, headed to the interstate and didn't look back.