Beautiful Run

I turned away trying to avoid the sight any longer, yet the image remain engraved. I weakened. My stomach felt uneasy and I held my arms around it despite already feeling it drop. My feet were heavy and I no longer walked on air. With much persistence I ran up the remaining stairs and into Eric's bedroom, locking it behind me, hoping to shut out whatever sickness it was that overtook me. It was a failed attempt. I collapsed on the bed gasping for air, trying to regain what was just knocked out. Before falling asleep, I remember hoping to drown in my own tears and leave it all behind. I knew inside that I couldn't avoid reality for long, but in my chaotic state Eric's voice from behind the door was hardly audible and muffled at best. I rested my head on his pillow, pulling my knees toward my chest and fell asleep. Night had settled in completely by the time I awoke. The world around was dark, and it took a few moments to remember where I lay, and why I was sleeping alone. The fit of emotion that occupied me a few hours before, left me numb and drained. I could only see a shadowed version of Eric's room when I looked around, and before long I needed air. I needed to go. It took all my strength to unlock the door, knowing what had occurred on the stairs that lay below it. I pulled it open, and saw Eric sleeping before me, like a puddle, on the floor. This was the first time I looked at him without feeling a warmth in my stomach. In its place was a sharpness, cutting into me without mercy. The hurt was obvious, but there was something within me reluctant to turn away. I tried not to think beyond that, allowing me to step around him and walk toward the door. I could never hate Eric. I hated the thought of losing him, and myself for becoming vulnerable and allowing it to hurt.

• • • My parents were surprised to find me sleeping in my bed when they woke. I mumbled something about "feeling ill and wanting to come home early", and knowing not to intrude they had no more questions. I spent the day in bed, in hopes the world around would pass me by. I wanted to be left in the shadows and close myself off from everything and everyone. There was no way I would allow myself to hurt again, once it passed. From time to time one of my parents would visit in hopes I was making some sort of recovery, while other trips would be made to inform me of calls from Eric. I refused them. In the early evening I heard the door open, and realizing my frustration I began my assault. "Get out!" "I hope you don't kiss Eric with that mouth!" said the voice, unlike the ones I'd been hearing the entire day. The pain returned in the pit of my stomach, catching me off guard. I knew the numbness would be temporary but it had faded far quicker than I expected. Removing the covers I saw Sam waiting by the door. The smirk on her face gave way to concern, once she looked into my puffy eyes. She swallowed hard. She hit a nerve, and Sam knew it just as I had. She walked over and slid into bed where she wrapped her arm around me and stroked my hair. I began to cry, and she was there for support.
• • • I opened my eyes hours later to see that Sam had not moved an inch. Her heavy eyes looked down with concern. She now carried the weight of the world on her shoulders as I seemingly passed the burden onto her as I slept. I willingly made room in my shadow for her, and only her. "You stirred the entire time." She said. "You didn't have to stay." "It's my job." Sam slid from under the covers onto her feet. She sat on the windowsill and paused. I could see her mind working frantically, which undoubtedly started when she first arrived and snowballed as she sat there hours without an explanation of the circumstances. "What happened?" she asked. "Eric." was all I could say. I had to wait a moment before I could continue. "There's someone else. Someone better for him." "How do you know that?" "He was touching Eric." "And you know this for sure?" "I saw it. I couldn't watch." I replied, whimpering the last words starting to tear up. We sat in silence. I could see Sam trying to make sense of it all, but coming up short of an explanation. This went on for a bit, before the lack of words became unsettling to both of us. Sam suddenly stood up, mentioning a reason for having to go and left the room. Under the cloak of night I thought it safe to reenter the world as my own room was becoming an eerie symbol of the intimacy I shared with Eric. Convincing my parents in a drone of words of the benefit of fresh air, I left. I walked around the streets for a short time and with what seemed like the passing of a minute I stopped and looked ahead. In years before I would pass the house as a cheap thrill. It was larger than the two others on either side, and I had always found the bay window in front rather inviting. There was many a time when I was younger when I thought about being in that house. I hid behind the façade of wandering aimlessly, but deep down it was as though I was drawn to the place all along. I walked to the door, and standing before it seemed all too familiar. I knocked with all the strength I could gather, but I was still surprised at how little sound it made. Nonetheless, I heard footsteps coming from inside. I swallowed hard, unsure about whether or not I should be there; knowing it went against what I was feeling before. The door opened. "Hi." he said, taken back once recognizing me. "Hey.Andrew" I said. I could see initial confusion in his eyes but it went away once he noticed that something was incredibly wrong and mine were not consumed with anger but defeat. Andrew stepped back, ushered me in and closed the door behind him. He led me through a large hall into what seemed to be the living room. The house was larger than it seemed from the outside, and the echo of silence helped me realize that we were alone. We sat beside one another. The light was better in this room, and I was able to get a better look at his face. Truly he was stunning, and sitting so close to him reminded me of the feelings of admiration I held for him when I was younger. His cheek was bruised. I took my hand and brushed his face. His skin was soft to the touch and he winced as I gently guided my fingers over his warm cheek. "I didn't expect runner to pack such a punch" he said jokingly to mask the pain. "I'm sorry about that. It's all my fault" I confessed. "No it's not! I deserved it. I don't know what happened to me. I couldn't stop myself. I really didn't mean to do that." "Don't be so hard on yourself. I was giving you the wrong signs all week." "That's no excuse." "Well I'm not angry. I was just startled." "And once again, I'm sorry. I just couldn't get you out of my head all week, all year in fact." With that he put his hand on my knee, more of a gesture of support than anything else. I shivered to his touch, and I was propelled into the fantasies of mine that I cherished so long ago. I searched his eyes for hidden meaning, but they were sincere. Then, there was some sort of force that neither of us anticipated pulling us together. I came closer and closer to his lips. I felt them on mine for a second, but continued to move my head to the side and rested it on his shoulder. I resisted, and he knew why. "I'm so sorry. You're not ready for this and I just keep on pushing you." He said. "Please Andrew, this isn't your fault. If this were a month ago, everything would be fine. I would be ready and willing." "So what is it?" He asked with curiosity rather than lust. "Eric." He took a moment for his thoughts. "You love him?" I only nodded. It was all either of us needed to realize it would end there.
• • • I sat on a stool beside the kitchen counter and watched Andrew. He turned around, placing a plate before me, and another across from where I sat. Grabbing some drinks from the fridge he took his seat. "I bet you haven't eaten all day" He said, taking a bite out of his sandwich and munching on a few chips that were spread around it. "Come to think of it, I haven't." "Well get started. I'm not going to let you leave the table until you're done, young man!" He said sternly. I agreed after a few laughs my stomach wasn't prepared for. "So what has got you standing outside my door in the middle of the night?" Andrew asked. "Eric has someone else" "Are you sure?" "Pretty sure" I replied. "I'm not sure I can take your word on that!" "Why not?" Sounding betrayed by what I thought was his lack of support. "Because he really cares for you" "And how do you know that?" "Because what he gave me wasn't exactly a 'love tap'. He was mad, and I realize now I was definitely on his turf." His words were light, and unlike any I could remember hearing in quite a while. I shot him a smile. I moved his blond hair from his face, holding the side of my drink to his cheek to extend some aid for what I caused. He winced again much like the first time, and accepted the offer.
• • • I enjoyed the meal and my discussion with Andrew lasted nearly an hour. I enjoyed his company immensely. I found him kind and caring, offering his complete support in the matter that initially brought me to him. He was smart and incredibly perceptive to how I felt, giving his input or a joke at the appropriate time. Andrew and I were fast friends. I noticed the time had passed rather quickly and upon doing so Andrew insisted on driving me home. Not only would that be an immense help, I was comforted in what I was starting to build with him. When he stopped outside of my house he tousled my hair and gave me a warm smile. "Thanks for everything" I said. "I suppose I should thank you for being so understanding." "I'm glad I was." "Me too." He said. I began to leave the Jeep when I heard him continue. "Don't worry about Eric. Love always works out in the end." I reached out and squeezed his hand and he reciprocated. I closed the door and walked up the driveway to hear his tires squeal away and down the street. The sound no longer made me shudder. When I returned to my room, I found Sam waiting. "Don't just tell me that was Andrew York driving you home!?" She said in disbelief. I realized she hadn't heard the story of him from the night before, so I decided to wait for a better opportunity to explain our relationship. "Yeah, but it's not what you think." I responded. I noticed something in her hand. I could see it was an envelope with my name on it, and with a closer look I could tell it was written by Eric. "I called him. He ran over and asked me to give this to you." She explained. Opening it, Sam pulled out a cassette and slid it into the player I had on my desk. I motioned for her to press 'play'. She did. Before long, I heard his voice. It had weakened considerably from the last time I heard it, and his words had an air of desperation. My heart went out to him. "Connor, don't hate me. I know what you saw, but it was nothing. Nothing to me, at least. I love you, I hope you know that. The guy you saw was an old friend of Will's-Grant. I knew him a long time ago, when I was a freshman. He came over to the house one day, like every other day. Will wasn't home, so I let him in and told him he 'could wait'. We were talking for a while, and one thing let to another and he kissed me. Being my first kiss and all, I liked it. I liked him. Will came home. It ended. Grant moved away soon after and came back about two years later. Nothing else happened, I wouldn't let it. I didn't like him like that anymore, I found someone else- you. When I saw you that first time, there was never anyone else, there couldn't be anyone else. When I saw Grant yesterday, it was nice to see him, but that was all it was. I love you, always will. Connor, don't hate me." The voice trailed off, and I knew he was exhausted. When I broke out of my train of thought, I saw Sam move toward the phone and dial. She handed it to me. "Hello?" "I love you, Eric."