Blood Sport By James
Disclaimer
This is a fictional story which deals with sexual/romantic situations between consenting teenaged boys. This story may also at times deal with situations concerning rape, child abuse, Ableism, Racism, Anti-LGBT Bigotry, violence and suicide. If you're not of the legal age to read such material, or if you can't handle this kind of story then please back out now.
Please remember to donate to Nifty, as it's your donations that keep this and other stories on the site free to the public.
As always, I wanted to take a moment to thank my editor K, who helps this story be the best. You do a truly amazing job with your edits, corrections and suggestions. Thank you.
Finally, if you like this story and haven't done this already, sneak into the house of my E-mail address, jamesheady1985@gmail.com and delete every song off of its music player. Once complete, fill it back up, but this time with nothing but songs by Lil Barnicle, Lil Tecca and Lil Baby.
Blood Sport
Chapter Nine
Last Dance
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It was the night of the dance, and everyone was packed into the school's gym. The music blasted, and there were several rows of flashing lights. For most, it was fun, but for Josh, it was a sensory hell scape! He wished that Keyla was there, but he hadn't seen her since that day when she begged him not to go with Jacob. Since that day, Josh's life at home had been pure hell! Jacob had called his parents the next evening, then outed him to them.
He did it though by putting his own spin on the story. He convinced them that Josh was the aggressor and that he was the victim. He knew that they were all too happy to believe him. He knew that it wasn't just them thinking he might have done it, but they really did want to believe that Josh was the guilty party. He could sense the pure contempt in their voices as they talked with him. He then finished up with them, then went about finalizing his second part of the plan.
Once Josh got home, his parents confronted him, then his dad beat him worse than ever, and his mother cussed him out for several minutes, screaming at the top of her lungs the whole time! After that, he was told that he couldn't be at home until it was time for him to be in bed. So, after school for the next several nights, he left school and spent time in the woods far from his house. He was able to get some food from the kitchen, but his other meals were the school lunches during the day. Through all that, he wished he could see Keyla once more. She was like the sister he never had, and he truly loved her.
Josh struggled on like this, then finally it was time for the dance. He walked around the gym watching everyone. He was also working to stay out of sight. It worked, but some of the kids spotted him. Ben flipped him the middle finger a few times smiling when Josh looked away trying not to cry. Jacob threw out several Anti-LGBT slurs at him. Mostly though, everyone ignored Josh, then it came time for the video presentation to begin.
"Ready to watch the show Fag?" Jacob said stepping up to where Josh stood and standing beside him. "It's going to be one hell of a show. I hope you especially like it."
"Why, what's it going to show?" Josh asked.
"You'll get to see all the amazing kids, and highlights from this year," Jacob said smirking. "I'm sure that will be a lot of fun."
"Okay, it's time to look back on the wonderful memories of this year!" the principal called out over the microphone. "You've all done really well this year, and I'm proud of all of you. This presentation wouldn't be complete though without our school's Student of the Year, Jacob Smith, who was announced as such this past week. Jacob is the perfect example of what a responsible dedicated student should be. He's helpful, confident, compassionate and loves helping others when ever he can. You'll get to see him in a few sports clips we'll start off with!"
The slide show began, and there were several video clips featuring Jacob and his teammates in different games. Then it was just Jacob by himself on the field running to catch the ball. Other video clips came up of different students. As they all played, students clapped and cheered. Then it happened!
The screen blacked out for about five seconds, then the silent videos began showing Jacob and Josh. Everyone gasped, and then there was total silence as everyone realized what they were watching.
"Good god!" the principal gasped.
"That's disgusting!" the assistant Principal, Mrs. Hall, shouted.
"Absolutely gross!" Mary yelled out as she stood by Jacob and the others in their friend group.
"So Josh loves to make gay sex tapes," Ben yelled out laughing widely!
"Look, he decided to share them with all of us!" another student shouted. "What a fucking sicko!"
Josh stood there, mouth hanging open as he saw the recording playing on the jumbo-sized screen. He realized that Jacob wasn't lying about having everything recorded, and this must have been what he was talking about!
"I didn't know he was going to do that!" Josh yelled as everyone continued yelling out insults and laughing loudly! "I would never do that!"
More insults began, and now the principal was rushing towards him.
"I didn't do this!" he yelled out again as Mrs. Hall came up beside him as the principal took hold of his other arm.
"You can come with us willingly, or we'll get Officer Wilson to drag you out," the principal shouted at him over the noise! "Let's go!"
Josh walked with them, and they all went to where the front exit of the school was.
"You've always been a problem Josh, but I never knew you would act this way!" the principal shouted into his face.
"We don't need perverts like you here!" Mrs. Hall shouted even louder!
"It wasn't me!" Josh said close to tears. "I didn't do this! Jacob said he made recordings!"
"Oh, now you're going to blame Jacob?" the principal shot back. "I don't think so! Obviously, you did this, and I won't have degenerates like you in my school! As of 8:30 P.M., that's right now, you're no longer welcome at this school! I want you out of here, and right now! Do you understand me!"
Josh could see that there was no getting through to them. Turning to face the doors, he pushed through them and then began running faster than he thought possible. He didn't stop running until he was near the park.
Once at one of the benches, his phone rang. He answered it, and it was his parents. They screamed that they had been contacted by the principal of the school, and he told them everything that had happened at the dance. Josh tried to tell them that he didn't do it.
"I'm fucking done with your excuses!" his dad screamed at the top of his lungs.
"So am I!" his mom yelled. "Don't bother coming home tonight! You're no longer welcome in our fucking house!"
"You sure as fuck aren't!" his dad screamed. "If you come home, I'll have the police waiting to take you to jail! You want to go back there? Well, do you!"
"No!" Josh yelled sobbing hard.
"Then stay the fuck away from us!" his mom yelled.
The line went dead, and Josh did his best to sit down as his knees gave out. He sat on the bench for a long time crying, and completely unsure of what to do. After a few minutes, he heard footsteps coming near him. Drying his eyes, he looked up.
"Hi, can I sit here?" a woman asked.
"Okay," Josh answered.
After a few seconds of silence, the woman who introduced herself as Amy asked Josh if he was alright. He introduced himself, and he told her that he was having a problem with his family. He couldn't even begin to tell her about what actually happened.
"Yeah, I know that family issues can be really stressful," Amy said kindly. "If you need someone to talk to who can be there to give you support, I have the card here of a counselor who might be able to help you. He works with kids who have gone through similar situations. Here's the card, and the counselor's name is Gary Carson. Well, I call him a counselor since he does a lot of that, but he's actually a psychiatrist. He's really nice, and I hope you can see him soon."
Josh thanked her, then she left after a few more minutes. She made sure to let him know of a place he could go for a few nights since she surmised that his parents had kicked him out. It was a small half-way house for kids his age, and he was able to get in that night.
He stayed there until he met with Dr. Carson the following week at which point it was now May. When Josh finally told him what actually happened a couple of weeks later, Carson called the police, then another agency that was for kids like Josh, but it had more long-term placement options. Once at the new place, Josh started working with other therapists who helped him to begin moving past what had happened.
It was going well, though he sometimes had counseling sessions that were hard to deal with. It was mainly because of him having a lot of emotions from what had happened. Fortunately, the counselors helped him through the worst of the sadness and fear. Josh was glad he had them in his life, and as time went on, he was also finding it easier to experience every day without a lot of the fear, anxiety and anger with which he had been living previously. He was starting to feel like everything was going to be alright.
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Josh let the memories go as he sat in his room that Sunday afternoon as the rain kept falling. He then thought of how he was going to tell Danny Evans about all that had happened to him. He hoped that he would understand, and that he would still want to be friends with him.
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Jason
Once we stepped onto the driveway of the house, I texted Jennifer about meeting Ethan, and what had happened. I then asked if it was alright if Ethan came in for a few minutes, and she suggested that he stay for Sunday Dinner unless he had other plans. Ethan texted his aunt and uncle about what had happened. They said that he could stay, and that they would make a plate for him to warm up later that evening. They also let him know that they would have to go out since there was a leak in the basement that his Uncle Roman wanted to get a part for to fix. With that set, Ethan walked beside me and into the house. Martha sat in the living room watching TV, and she looked up as we walked in.
"I hope you had fun while I was out," I said sitting the Coke in the fridge. "Oh, and this is Ethan."
We both walked into the living room at this point, and Ethan shook hands with Martha. We both told her about how we met, and she laughed.
"Maybe you spilling your ice cream on him will set him straight," Martha said laughing.
"It was cold," I said. "You shouldn't wish that on me."
We all laughed, then I sat down on the couch across from Martha. Ethan sat beside me leaning against the back of the couch and watching me.
"I can't imagine that shirt is comfortable to have on right now," he said smiling at me.
"I'll change it in a moment," I answered. "I just wanted to rest for a minute."
I did get up after another moment of sitting, then went into my room. Finding another shirt, I walked into the restroom and took off the slightly damp one. Tossing it over the edge of the bath tub, I wet a rag and rubbed down my stomach and chest. I then used a little soap, then washed again. Using another rag wetted with just water, I cleaned off the soap. Once that was done, I put on the new shirt, then took the old one out to the kitchen. Throwing it in the trash, I returned to the living room where Ethan was talking about what sounded like a music group he was into. Martha listened with intense interest.
"Who is this?" I asked.
"They're called Butterfly Temple," Ethan said. "They're a Folk Metal group from Russia."
"Since you said that they have a few songs they sing on, I might check them out," Martha said.
"I hope you like them," Ethan said.
"So do I," Martha answered.
"Wait until you meet Danny," she went on. "He's completely into Metal, so you and him will definitely have long conversations about it."
"I look forward to that," Ethan said.
Just then I heard a car pull up in the driveway. Jennifer came through the door, then after a few minutes Danny and Kelven were back.
Ethan and I went into the kitchen, and I introduced all of them to him. They all shook hands with Ethan, and I was glad to see the warm reception he was getting from them all. Martha then came into the kitchen, and she put some of the groceries on the counter where they needed to be. They were ones she could grasp without any trouble, and Danny put the meat out on the counter and got a cutting board out. Placing it beside the meat, he asked Jennifer if she was ready for him to lay out the steaks on the board. She said he could, so he got that done.
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Danny
Church went really well that Sunday morning. We had our sermon from Braden which was about honoring our parents. It was good hearing his thoughts on it, and I especially loved how he didn't judge those who had anger towards their parents if they were to be the kinds of parents who were abusive or neglectful. When one of the kids asked how we should honor those kinds of parents, he said that aside from living good lives and learning to not be like them, there wasn't anything really to honor about them, given that they've done nothing to be good and loving parents.
That especially resonated with me given my feelings about Brad, and the Bullshit he put Martha, our mom and I through before he finally abandoned us. Braden then ended the service with saying that God would want us to honor our parents in so far as they were good and loving parents by putting into practice what they teach us about being there for others in life. I definitely agreed with him about that when it came to mine and Martha's mom being there for the both of us. Finally, we offered a closing prayer, then the service was over. Kelven and I sat for a while afterwards though, and I texted everyone letting them know that I was in the middle of talking with Braden. My mom was fine with that, and I was amazed at how long Braden and I had sat there talking, otherwise Kelven and I would have been home sooner.
After helping our mom put away the rest of the groceries, Jason and I checked to see if she needed any further help. She said she had it under control for the moment. With that, Jason, Ethan and I went into my room. Martha was talking with Kelven about them getting together to watch a movie sometime that week, and I watched for a moment to see if she was coming back with us, then I asked her. She said she would be hanging out in the kitchen, so I went in my room. Jason and Ethan sat on the edge of my bed, and I sat down at my desk.
"So where were you from originally Ethan?" I asked.
He hesitated, and I wondered if he would say much about it.
"I'm originally from a small town about two hours away from here," he answered. "I moved here back around seven months ago. There was a lot of fighting going on between my parents and I, and I was just over it by the time the school year was drawing to a close."
"I'm sorry to hear that you had problems going on with your parents," I said.
I then asked if anyone wanted to hear some music, and they both said I could put on whatever sounded good to me. I put on a play list of Metal that was of the Clean Vocals category which for those not in the know means that it's Metal without the screaming and growling found in Death, Black and other similar hardcore types of Metal. I then motioned for Ethan to continue talking.
"My Aunt Lisa and Uncle Roman took me in, and that was as my parents were in the process of letting me know that I wasn't welcome in their house any longer," Ethan went on. "Well, actually they told me I needed to get the fuck out of their house, then that's when my aunt and uncle got involved the next day. The only thing that still bothers me from that time is that I couldn't help my best friend at the school we were both attending back then. It was a fucking shit hole of a school, and the teachers were as bad if not worse than the kids. The principal was a fucking Asshole who acted like he couldn't go out of his way enough to actually enable the bullying. My friend got bullied really bad, and no one did a damn thing about it."
"I'm really sorry to hear that," I said feeling sad for Ethan's friend. "It sounds like the town was one of those where everyone did whatever the hell they wanted no matter the cost."
"It was," Ethan said in agreement. "I was glad to get out of there when Aunt Lisa and Uncle Roman came to get me, but not only could I not help my friend, I never got a chance to say goodbye to him. That hurt the most. I just hope he's safe now, and somewhere where he's loved and happy."
"I hope the same as well," Jason responded.
"So do I," I answered.
"So, since you're living here in Sangger, where do you go to school?" Jason asked. "I haven't ever seen you around before. I'm surprised since you've been living here since towards the end of April."
"I live near enough to the border of the city so that I go to one of the schools there," Ethan responded. "I'll be moving further into the city in the coming weeks though, so should be going to Sangger High. Maybe I'll see you guys around some of the time. That would be cool if we all had a class or a few of them together."
"I'd like that as well," I said.
"Me too," Jason added.
We continued talking, and I asked Ethan what he liked doing for fun. He went on to say that he enjoyed listening to music, and let me know that he was glad when I put some on when we sat down in my room. He also said that he liked watching stuff on YouTube. He told us that he liked watching different content creators who made stuff about music commentary along with watching different videos about animals and other random things.
"Cool," I responded. "I also like watching music commentary channels. I also watch other videos about LGBT issues, and that can definitely be interesting."
Ethan looked at me for a long moment as if trying to process that last part. Then he smiled.
"Cool, I'm glad someone else likes that too!" he answered giving me a thumbs-up.
"Glad we both have that in common," I went on. "I like them especially since I'm gay. Yeah, I'm definitely out about it unless I'm in potentially unsafe areas of town or other places."
"Yeah, and I've had his back regarding that for the last year as he came to terms with it," Jason said.
"I'm glad to hear that," Ethan said. "Does anyone else in your family know?"
"My mom and sister know," I said. "They're fully accepting of me, and that's gone really well!"
"I'm really happy to hear that," Ethan responded.
"So, it sounds like you're a member of the LGBT Community as well?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm a member," Ethan answered. "I have to watch who I tell about it though. I'd like to just leave it at that though, for now at least."
Jason and I agreed, and I went on speaking.
"The best friend you mentioned from your old school," I went on. "Were you and him boyfriends? It sounds like you guys might have been in love. Sorry, I hope I'm not being too presumptuous."
"It's alright," Ethan said smiling. "We weren't in love, nor were we a couple. He was like the brother I never had, and I was really protective of him. At least I tried to be. The kids really were horrible to him, and the one in particular really put him through hell towards the end of me being there with him at the school. I tried, I really tried to stop what was happening. I did everything I could to get my friend to see his one friend for who he really was. Even when I talked with him and he did listen, he still thought he could get through to his friend."
Ethan's face was white as paper, and his hands shook badly. I stood and walked over to him. He took my hand, and held on for a long moment.
"It wasn't your fault," I said looking into his eyes. "It sounds like the two of you were deeply in over your heads in something that neither one of you could control. Even if you could have, I'd like to know where all your guy's parents were. I mean, yours weren't supportive as you mentioned, but where were his? Also, where were the parents of this friend of his you mentioned?"
"His friend's parents are these rich Assholes, and they always left him and his younger brother alone. My friend's parents left him alone for the most part as well, and basically the only time they interacted with him was when they wanted to scream, yell or beat him for something he did wrong. I should say that it could also be for things they clamed that he did wrong."
"They actually hit him!" I exclaimed more than asked.
I couldn't believe it!
"They did, and it was horrible," Ethan answered.
"That's so fucked up that you and him were in the shitty home situations you were both in," Jason said putting a hand on his shoulder.
"It really was," I added.
By this time Ethan had calmed down a little, and he let go of my hand. Returning to the desk chair, I sat down again.
"So, we've been talking about your friend for a while now, and I haven't had a chance to ask you his name yet," I said.
Suddenly a knock sounded at my closed bedroom door.
"It's opened," I called out.
The door opened, and our mom let us know that we could come into the kitchen. She told us that the food was ready.
Once seated, we all started eating, but not before Ethan thanked us for inviting him to stay for Sunday Dinner.
"You're welcome, Ethan," our mom said.
"We're happy to have you here," Kelven responded. "It looks like you'll fit in really well with everyone, especially with Danny and Jason."
"They've both been really nice as we've been getting to know each other," Ethan replied.
"Yeah, it's amazing the people that a smashed ice cream cone can bring into your life," Jason said smiling and resting a hand on Ethans shoulder.
"Yeah, I know," Ethan answered smiling back. "Are you sure you don't want me to buy you a new shirt? I have some money saved up."
"I'm sure," Jason said.
"I'm fine with it if Jason is," our mom said.
"I will definitely buy you an ice cream cone to make up for the one that got destroyed earlier," Jason said. "I mean, we can do that the next time we get together. What kind did you have today? I realize now that I didn't ask you about that."
"It was Double Chocolate Chunk," Ethan said.
"Cool, I'll remember that," Jason said. "I really do want to do that for you. Besides, it would be nice to share some ice cream together some time."
"Thanks," Ethan said. "I really do appreciate that. One thing though, I think we'll make it a cup of ice cream rather than a cone this time."
We all laughed, and they talked about getting together that up-coming Wednesday. Mom agreed, and so their plans were set.
Once dinner was finished, we all helped clean up. After finishing up, Ethan let us know that he needed to get back home. Each of us hugged him, then he was off to return home for the evening. I then returned to my room and sat down at my desk to check messages.
Putting my phone down, I got on my computer, and checked Facebook. One post that showed up right at the top of my News Feed was a memory from four years ago, and it truly shocked me. It was from when I was 11, and just a couple of months before Brad left the family.
The picture showed us all at the lake lined up as Kelven took the picture. I looked for a long moment at the photo, then began remembering everything from that time up until now.
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All while growing up, Brad wasn't the type to be the most nurturing father. He was the typical man's man. He believed that men and boys should like hunting and hate bad guys. Regarding girls, he believed that they should be working at lady-like professions such as knitting clothes for babies or doing secretary work. If not that, then they should be at the house making a nice home for a husband. As for disabled people, he thought they should be put in homes for those like them. If not that, then they should be cured whenever possible.
With all that in mind, it's not a surprise to find that Brad was Anti-LGBT, Anti-Disability and misogynistic. Fortunately, our mom stood up to him on many occasions when he would say anything against the above-mentioned groups. That being said though, she didn't say much when it came to defending LGBT groups. At least it didn't seem like that to me.
Most of Mom and Brad's fights were shouting matches, and only a couple of times did it get physical. Even then Brad would throw objects against the wall which was still scary when we were going through it. I would try to get them to stop fighting, and so would Martha. Brad would scream at us to get the fuck out of whatever room we happened to be in, or he would tell us to go to our fucking rooms or to one another's room for a while.
It got worse though when Brad would yell at Martha if she accidently spilled something, or couldn't get an answer correct on a school assignment.
"God damn it, Martha!" he screamed on one of these occasions. "Can't you fucking do anything right! I know you can do so much god-damn better than this!"
She would cry, and I would wheel her either back to her own room, or to mine.
"Oh yeah, that's good!" Brad shouted one time when I took her back to my room. "Take her to safety! That's good Danny! Teach her to run away, or in this case wheel away from the real world!"
"I fucking hate you!" I thought in my head.
I knew in that moment that I could have cheerfully shot the Son of a Bitch right then and there if I had enough willingness to do it as well as a weapon!
When Kelven Larson our family friend came into the picture, I had just turned two. Him now being around didn't help things, and Brad disliked him right from the start. No one knew why at first, but one night when Brad was screaming at our mom about why he always had to be hanging around the house, he went on to scream at her that he hated the fact that Kelven was a fucking Faggot. His words not mine.
When Kelven came into our lives, it was one night when it was just Mom and I. Brad was out pulling what was slowly appearing to be one of his world-famous all-nighters at whatever bar he happened to be at. As I slept beside my mom, there was a knock at the door, and when mom answered it, the boy who Kelven was at that time said he needed help. He was 18 at the time, and had just been kicked out of his house two days before.
Kelven went on to explain that he had been staying at one of the camp grounds until the police told him he had to leave. They didn't care that he had nowhere to go. She let him in, and after giving him some food, she found something else for him to wear. She also gave him a clean towel, and he went in to get a shower. After he dressed, Mom gave him some money with which he could get a hotel room for the next couple of nights.
I only have the faintest memory of him meeting me that night, but as he continued coming around to the house to have dinner, then to babysit me and finally Martha when she was born, I definitely got close with him. He would take me out for ice cream, to the pool in the summer months to swim as well as on camping trips. Much of which Brad failed to do.
Kelven would also take me out whenever it became clear that our parents were going to have a marathon-long shouting session. If it was winter, he would take me to his apartment along with Martha unless she was out with her case worker. While at his apartment, we would watch movies, TV shows and listen to music. During the summer months would be when we would go out swimming, but if we left in the evening hours to get away from the fighting, then we went out into the woods. While there, we would sit around the fire and talk for a while, or roast smores.
It was when I was almost 11 when I started telling Kelven how much mom and Brad's fighting stressed me out. I told him that it was also starting to scare me. He told me he understood, and about four months into me being 11, Brad left on a cool spring day.
"Fine!" he screamed at Mom while they were in the front room. "I've fucking had it with you, that God-damn crip daughter of yours and that freak son! It's not enough that Danny has always been too fucking sensitive! No surprise there isn't it! If you would have let me bust his ass regularly like I had suggested, then he might have been the kind of boy, then a man a father could be proud of! But no! You had to baby the little queer! You also let that Asshole Kelven come around too! He got Danny into nature, and just a couple of months ago he turned him on to that damn screaming music, Metal, or whatever the fuck it is they call it! Oh, and Kelven's fucking gay! We can't forget that! So, what are you doing, trying to turn Danny into a Faggot just like him! Fuck it, they can have each other!"
"Shut the fuck up!" Mom screamed back. "You just shut the fuck up! So, Kelven's gay! So what the fuck! As for Martha, she is who she is, and I love her just the same! Danny is our son as well! I love him too, and that'll never change!"
"How fucking bleeding-heart Liberal of you!" Brad screamed, before storming out of the room.
"Danny, come on," Kelven called from my bedroom door that was half opened. I was on my bed trying to ignore the fighting. "Let's go out for a bit."
When we returned, Mom was out, and she had left a note. The note said that she was getting groceries for that night's dinner.
As I sat down the note, I saw another one that Kelven had put down with a disgusted look on his face.
"What?" I asked stepping over to where he was.
"Danny, don't," he said sadly. "You don't need to see that one."
I had the second note in my hand and up to my face before Kelven could get it away from me.
It read:
"By the time you read this, I'll be gone. Go and get your fucking groceries! You, the crip and Faggot Boy JR can enjoy whatever crap you come up with tonight. I don't fucking care! You all three dirt bags have a nice fucking life!
Brad Jones"
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"Fine, he can fucking have it that way!" I yelled as I started crying.
Kelven took me in his arms as I tossed the note off to the side as if it were something poisonous! I cried for what seemed like forever, then we went out back into the woods after Kelven texted our mm. She texted back that her and Martha would be home in a little while.
"What's going to happen to us now?" I asked as Kelven and I sat on the rock we usually sat on during our talks.
"You, Martha and your mom will be alright," Kelven said placing his arm around my shoulders. "I know it hurts right now, and I can't tell you when it'll not hurt so much. I think you'll be alright eventually though. Plus, I'll be here for all of you too, just like I have been."
"I don't know if any of us could have gotten through all this without you Kelven," I responded. "Thank you for always being here for us, and for me too."
"I'm always happy to be here for you guys and for you as well Danny," he answered. "No need to thank me."
"Already a part of me is glad that Brad is gone," I said.
Even at that point, I had long-since stopped thinking of Brad as our father. That was the first time though that I actually called him by his name out loud rather than calling him Dad.
"I never liked how he acted towards us, and I especially didn't like the things he would say about you," I went on. "I won't repeat them, and I don't know how many of them you heard."
"I heard a lot of them when I'd be at the house when he didn't think I could hear, or when he thought I was completely distracted while spending time with you in your room," Kelven said.
"I won't say what he said, but is it true that you're gay?" I asked. "I mean, it's not something he was just assuming about you when he would call you those names?"
"It's true that I'm gay," Kelven responded. "I was going to tell you at some point, and your mom agreed that that would be for the best to wait for a bit. You've already had enough heavy stuff to deal with."
"I'm fine with you being gay," I said.
"Thanks," he replied as we hugged. "That means a lot."
At that point, I wasn't too worried I was gay, but I definitely started worrying quickly about how my family would feel if I were gay. That fear came quickly a couple of months after Brad had been gone from the family. We had just finished dinner, and after helping to clean up the kitchen I returned to my room. I had the door open, so could hear what Kelven and our mom were saying since the kitchen wasn't too far away from my room. They were talking about whether or not Kelven would find a boyfriend. He had dated a little a few months before, but the guy abruptly ended things saying that he was too scared to tell his family. He wasn't just scared to tell them about him and Kelven though, but that he was actually gay in the first place.
I had been half-listening to what they were saying as I was also looking through Facebook. Then I heard my name being brought up.
"I just hope that Danny can find a girl who will treat him right," our mom said as she put the left-overs in the fridge. "I just don't want him finding a girl who will put him through a bunch of Bullshit."
"Yeah, so do I," Kelven answered.
"Well, I should add that I wouldn't want him going through anything with a guy if he were to turn out gay like you," she went on. "That being said though, I don't know if I could deal with him being gay."
Fear shot through me when I heard her say that, and I got up as quietly as I could. I closed my bedroom door working to be even more quiet, then I went over to my bed laying down and sobbing hard. She sounded like she practically hated the thought of me possibly turning out gay, let alone me even having a boyfriend!
That stuck with me for the rest of me being 11, then shortly after I turned 12 and the first feelings of attraction to boys emerged, I worked to push them aside as hard as I could! Then as that year continued on, I found myself working harder and harder to fight what I was feeling!
Towards the end of that year, and just a couple of months before I was set to turn 13, I was in my room. That day I had seen a few guys in Gym Class, and they were a couple of the boys who were more well-developed. It definitely showed when we were in the showers, and that day I could see more of them when we showered. I was closer to one of them when I was showering, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see him soaping up his cock which hung over his balls. I was surprised at the amount of hair surrounding his penis, as well as the amount covering his ball sack. I could feel the base of my own dick thicken, and I turned away fighting hard to not get hard.
Once back home, I went into my room and somehow got through the little bit of homework I had. It was about ten minutes later when I was wiping at the first few tears that were falling from my eyes. The image of the boy in the shower wouldn't leave my mind, and I tried to push it out of my mind again. That's when I heard a knock on my half-opened bedroom door. It was Kelven, and he came in obviously seeing me and the state I was in.
"Danny, what's going on," he asked calmly, but I could hear the concern in his voice as he came over putting an arm around my shoulders.
Once out on our rock, I had gotten myself slightly under control.
"What's got you so upset?" he asked as I scooted closer to him.
"Do you think that Brad left our family because of anything I did?" I asked trying to stay calm.
"What makes you say that?" he asked. "There's nothing that any of you did that made it okay for Brad to leave you guys. Martha didn't do anything, nor did your guy's mom. I especially know that you didn't do anything to make him leave."
"Yeah, but there's things about me," I went on, feeling close to tears again. "Feelings I have, that no one knows about. Not even you. What if Brad somehow knew, and that made him hate me?"
I lost the battle, and was crying again. Kelven immediately started holding me once more, and that at least made me feel a little safer. Kelven spoke after my tears subsided.
"Danny, I've known you since you were two," he said. "From that time, I figured I knew who you would turn out to be. I loved you back then, and I love you now. I always will. You being who you are isn't something anyone should hate you for. Brad doesn't have any right hating you for who you are, but he didn't leave because of you being the person you're meant to be. It wouldn't have been on you even if he said it was the reason. He still would have been wrong. In any case, he left because he doesn't have the kind of skills and love a person needs to be a father. That's all on him, not on you. It's also not on Martha nor your guy's mom."
"Thanks for saying that," I said. "Could you just keep this conversation between us? I mean, you're good at that, but this one especially."
"I understand, and I will," he answered.
"Thanks," I responded. "I just hope you guys like whoever I decide to date sometime. I hope mom likes her as well."
Kelven looked confused for a moment, then he seemed to understand.
"Yeah, I'm sure your mom will like who ever she is. "Is there anyone right now you like?"
"No, but I'll let you know when I find her," I answered.
"I appreciate that," Kelven said as we stood up. "Oh, and I meant what I said before Danny. I'll love you no matter what. I really do mean that. So, if you ever feel comfortable telling me that it's a Him that you like, then I'll be here to listen."
Doing my best to ignore the fear that tried to assert itself, I put on a smile.
"Thanks," I said. "But I'm sure it'll be a Her that I find."
It wasn't too long after that that I began practically throwing myself into my assignments, both school and homework-related. I would sometimes be up well past 1:00 A.M. completing whatever homework assignment that was due, as well as studying my notes and other related reading materials. My mom did tell me to make sure that I was getting enough sleep. I tried, but there were other nights I'd be up late. Finally, as I continued on through being 13, I could feel my attractions towards other guys becoming more stronger than they had been. I struggled all the more to fight them, then just before I turned 14, I was having a particularly hard time trying to keep my mind off of them. I was also remembering what I heard our mom say about if I could turn out gay. That was coming back to me more and more every day, and that was making me lose sleep a little more as the days went by.
It was a Tuesday evening when things started becoming out of control. I was alone that night. Mom and Martha were out at some school event her class was doing for fund-raising, and Kelven was at home relaxing for the evening. All that day I had been fighting an increasingly losing battle in my mind as I tried harder and harder to fight the attractions, as well as the memory of my mom saying what she had that day back when I was 11. As I sat there about an hour after Mom and Martha left, I felt my anxiety and fear go up to 100 and beyond. Finally, I got up and went into the room that had been Brad's home office. Going around to where his desk chair sat behind the desk, I found the key in the cup in which he kept it. For whatever reason, he hadn't ever come back for the desk. That didn't matter though, it was still here as well as what was in it that were important. Grabbing the key, I unlocked then opened the top drawer.
I found the gun resting in its case. There was still a clip of bullets in it. I went over away from the desk, and pulled back the mechanism that would chamber a round. At that point I felt a sense of relief coming over me. I wouldn't have to live with the fear, sadness nor uncertainty any longer. Martha, our mom and Kelven wouldn't have to deal with the stress of me being gay. I lifted the gun, and placed it to my head. I went to pull the trigger, then an image of Martha flashed through my mind, then one of our mom. Kelven's face was next.
I took the gun away, then put it to my head once more. I went through this for several more minutes all the while screaming in my head to just do it! I felt like I was being ripped apart inside, and this was worse than any physical pain!
"I don't know if I could deal with him being gay," my mom's voice came through in my head again, and again, then a third time.
I could feel myself growing closer and closer to screaming, and I took the gun away again, then pressed it to the side of my head once more. Suddenly my phone rang. I had completely forgotten that it was in my pocket. I went over quickly and placed the gun down on the desk. Taking a deep breath in an effort to calm down, I took out my phone.
It was Martha, and I answered the call.
"Hey Martha, how are you?" I asked sitting down in the desk chair and turning my back to the desk.
She said she was alright, and that she couldn't wait to get home to see me. She went on to say that she couldn't wait to tell me how the event went.
"I can't wait to hear all about it," I said truly glad to hear her voice.
"I love you Danny, you really are the best brother in the whole world!" Martha said.
"Thanks," I answered close to tears and struggling to fight them back! "I love you too Martha! You're the best little sister I could have ever asked for."
Ending the call, I sat down the phone, then turned back to the desk. I looked for a long moment at the gun, then reached out and unchambered the round. I then removed the clip, then put the ammunition in the box that was in the drawer to the left of the middle one. I then took the unloaded gun and placed it back in its box. Sitting there completely still at this point, I thought back over what I had almost done before Martha's call.
"Oh god!" I whispered, deeply shocked as well as scared out of my mind! "What the fuck did I almost do!"
I thought back over what Martha had said towards the end of our call, and I remembered again what I had been doing before she called. All these people could have been without me just like that. I then thought more, and understood that it wasn't death I wanted. I just wanted all of the hurt to stop! I wanted the fear to stop as well! Looking back at the middle drawer of the desk, I looked for a long moment processing everything, then I stood. I walked out of the room and closed then locked the door with the key that hung on the wall beside it.
It was the next day when I casually brought up Brad's gun. I told my mom that I had been cleaning that afternoon once home from school, and I told her that I had cleaned some in Brad's office. I went on to say that I had remembered the gun he kept locked up in his desk, and how there probably wasn't a need for it since he wasn't here, and probably wouldn't ever send for it. Add in the fact that I didn't like guns anyway, and our mom saw where I was going with this. She said she would get rid of it immediately, and she did that a couple of days later after finding a coworker who said he'd take it off her hands. I was glad to have that issue dealt with.
Soon around 14, I started having the first in the long series of panic attacks that would be with me until I began working with a counselor. They started out as slight shortness of breath, but progressed quickly into what felt like metal bands wrapping slowly around my chest and tightening.
Finally, just a couple of months before I turned 15, I was in my room standing in front of my desk when Kelven would walk in seeing one of my panic attacks in full action. I had been trying to gather everything in my mind into a well-organized list so I could get it all done. It was homework-related, and as I struggled to focus, I felt the panic grabbing hold of me. I started struggling for breath!
"Oh my god Danny!" I heard Kelven's voice from the doorway of my bedroom.
He was by my side within seconds, and he caught me just before I hit the floor. "Just relax. Just breathe. It's alright, I'm here."
It was working, and after another few seconds, I could breathe again. We sat there for a long moment, then he helped me to sit on the edge of my bed while he got me a glass of water.
"How long has this been going on?" he asked sitting beside me with his arm around my shoulders.
"It's been happening for a few months now," I said. "I thought it would go away, but it seems like it's only getting worse. I just feel so stressed out most of the time, and I can't seem to focus. When I try to get things done, that's usually when the shortness of breath happens."
"It sounds like you're having panic attacks," Kelven responded. "I'd like to suggest that you think about seeing a counselor."
"Do you think I might actually need one?" I asked.
I didn't have anything against people going to counseling, but I never really thought I'd need a counseor.
"A counselor could help you deal with your feelings and give you advice that could help you not have the panic attacks you seem to be having," Kelven responded.
When we sat down with Mom that evening once she got home, I told her what had been going on. She was concerned obviously, and she came around the table. We hugged for a long moment, and I agreed that it would probably be a good idea to see someone.
Unfortunately, it would take a few weeks for me to get in so I could see a counselor. While we waited, I started having more fear and anxiety around my mom knowing I was gay. By this point, I knew fully that I was, but still couldn't accept it. I was mostly afraid of it being one more thing our mom would have to deal with. I didn't want that.
I know I mentioned the scar a few times. When it happened, it was a couple of weeks after I agreed to see a counselor, and on that particular night, I was stressed as hell. On the surface, I was trying to find the new bottle of dish washing soap that was somewhere in the kitchen. In reality though, I was completely falling apart with worrying about the idea of coming out to our mom.
We had just finished eating, and I started looking for the above-mentioned bottle of soap. I checked the area beside the sink, and the half-empty bottle was there even more depleted than before.
"Where is it!" I yelled to no one in particular.
Martha was in her room at this point, and Mom was in the living room going through the messages on the answering machine. Checking the area under the sink, I didn't see the new bottle.
"Damn it!" I yelled slamming shut the cabinet door. "I can't do anything right anymore!"
I was surprised to find just how close to tears I was at this point. Lately it seemed like I was always either close to crying, or actually crying, but in my room where no one would hear me.
"I'm sure we can find it," Mom said coming into the kitchen.
I was still upset, and getting more so as I continued looking for it.
"It doesn't matter!" I yelled walking quickly away from the sink. "I keep trying, and nothing I do ever is right!"
"That's not true Danny," Mom said coming over to where I stood. "I don't feel that way, and it'll be alright."
I was directly in front of the front door now, and my anger, pain and sadness were boiling over!
"You don't understand," I said close to tears, and shouting more louder than I realized. "It'll never be alright!"
"I'm sure it will be," she said putting a hand on my shoulder. "I'm here for you. We're all here for you, and we always will be."
"You wouldn't say that if you knew," I yelled struggling not to fall completely apart.
"Knew what Danny?" she said, stepping closer to me. "I know you've been having panic attacks lately, but if you're worried about me thinking less of you I don't. I really am proud of you, and so is your sister and Kelven."
"No, I'm not who you think I am! I'm not what you think I am!" I screamed
"Oh my god Danny! No!" I heard our mom yell.
It was as if I lost time. The shard of glass was ripping through my arm and wrist, but I didn't feel anything. It felt like I had been standing there one minute, then as I looked, I saw the piece of glass hanging from the side of my hand before it fell to the floor. I also saw blood, then more of it.
"What the hell!" I yelled coming back to myself, and that's when I felt the first burning sensations of pain, and they only got stronger. "What the fuck did I do!"
Before I could even begin to process what was happening, our mom was there wrapping my arm and hand in a clean dish towel. The pain was bad now, and I could feel sweat standing out on my forehead.
"Mom! It hurts!" I said feeling like I would faint at any moment! "It burns so bad!"
"It's going to be alright," she said struggling to stay calm as Martha called out from her room. Mom was standing there holding my covered arm, as she waited for her call to 9-11 to go through.
"It's alright," she called out to Martha. "Something broke, but we're taking care of it. Danny cut himself, but he'll be alright."
After she got the call through, she called Kelven. He was over in almost no time at all. He agreed to stay with Martha while we got to the ER.
Once at the ER, I lay there as they gave me something to calm me down. I was half-asleep as they cleaned my wound and then began sowing it up. After a few minutes, I was awake enough to tell the doctors what happened. I didn't tell them everything leading up to it, but I told them that I was upset and broke a window. My mom confirmed it, then they let us go with a prescription for antibiotics along with another one for pain killers. The next day our mom and I sat in my room, and I told her everything. I left out the being gay part, but of what I did tell her, it was enough so that she finally saw just how badly I was doing.
"I really am sorry about the window, and I'll pay for it somehow," I said after telling her what I had to say. "I'm also sorry for not coming to you sooner, and also I'm sorry for scaring Martha."
"Thank you, but I'm not worried about the window," she said hugging me. "I have Kelven coming over here in a little while to replace it. You can thank him, and that'll be enough payment. Also, I'm sorry. I know I've been busy for a while, actually longer than for a while.
I was glad to see how responsible of a young man you had been becoming over the past few years, but I wasn't aware as to how difficult that was getting for you to have to deal with all you were trying to take care of. Much of it obviously was stuff I should have been worrying about like making sure I got Martha up for school and her breakfasts and lunches fixed for her. Also, I want to have more check-ins than we have been. That's not a blame towards you, that's me saying that I need to be doing better with checking in with you.
I know that you have Kelven, and I'm sure there's things you share with him that you don't with me. That's alright, but I want you to know that you can always come to me about anything at all."
"Thank you, mom," I said as we hugged for a long moment. "It all has really been hard. I've been struggling for a while off and on, mainly about Brad leaving. I never understood why he left, and I especially hated how he treated you and Martha. I didn't like how he talked to you or about me either, but It upset me even more when he treated you guys as he did."
"I can imagine how hard that all was for you," Mom said hugging me again. "Also, I'm sorry for all the times we fought in front of or close to where you and Martha could hear us. I should have done better at making sure that we handled things so that it wouldn't harm you guys. I really am sorry for all that."
"Thank you," I answered. "You've still been a good mom, and you still are. I'm glad that you defended us to him when he would say the things he would say about us. That meant a lot."
"I'm glad it did as well," she responded. You and Martha are the best two kids I could have ever had, and I'll always feel that way."
We talked for a few more minutes, then finished our talk. Over the next few days, I thought about my being gay. I was starting to discover that I wasn't feeling as bad towards it like I had been. Finally, the week before I turned 15, I sat with Kelven in his apartment. We had just finished listening to music, and were getting ready to go back to my house for the evening. I had it in my mind to tell him that evening when we got together. I had thought about it for the days leading up to that day, and I decided that day that I would talk to him.
"Kelven?" I said as he went over to unplug his music player.
"Yeah," he said sitting back down beside me.
"I wanted to talk to you before we return to my house," I said.
He turned to face me, and I began.
"Do you remember what I asked you about the reason for why Brad left us?" I asked.
"I do remember that," he responded.
"Also, I mentioned about the feelings I had that no one knew about, and that I worried that he might know of already," I went on.
"I remember that as well," Kelven answered.
"You knew what I meant, didn't you?" I asked looking closely at him.
"Yeah," he replied. "Like I said Danny, I've known you since you were really little, and I connected with you really deeply practically from the moment I met you."
"I felt that connection as well," I answered. "By that, I mean that I felt safe with you, and like we knew each other even before I was ever born."
"I'm really glad to hear you say that," he responded. "You've always been special to me, and I always want you to feel like you can come to me about anything at all."
"Thanks," I said. "Well, when you said that if I ever wanted to tell you that it's a he that I like, then you'd be ready to listen. I know I'm gay, and I tried to fight it for a long time. I was worried about it being one more thing that our mom would have to worry about, as well as others who might not be understanding. I just didn't want everyone else to have to worry most of all though."
"Is there any other reason?" Kelven asked.
I told him about what I heard him and our mom talking about back when I was 11, and he looked shocked.
"I had no idea that you heard us," he said truly concerned.
"I was quiet, so you guys wouldn't have heard me anyway," I said. That's the biggest part of it that's at the root of it all though. I worried that Mom wouldn't accept me as gay, maybe that she had bought into Brad's Bullshit."
"I can tell you that that's not true at all," Kelven said putting an arm around my shoulders. "You said that you closed your bedroom door after you heard your mom say that she couldn't handle you being gay. What you didn't hear once your door was closed was that she immediately added that she could accept it, but with things as they were in that moment, she didn't know how well she would be able to process knowing that. She went on to say that she had always wondered from time to time if you might be gay, or would turn out at some point to be, but didn't know how to bring it up. Mostly though, she was afraid of Brad finding out, and what he might do. Most of all though, she talked about how she loved and loves you anyway. If you were to turn out to be gay, she would love and support you no matter what. That's what she finished with saying before we moved on to talking about other things."
Relief swept through me, and I felt more joy in that moment than I had in a long time! She was accepting, and I wouldn't lose her! We shared a long hug.
"Thanks for telling me all that," I said as we sat there for another moment.
"You're welcome, Danny, and I'm glad I could help you ease your mind," he responded.
We then separated, and returned back home for the night. A couple of days later, I waited for Mom to return home from work. I even ordered her favorite pizza, and kept it warm. Finally, she came through the door, and we hugged for a moment.
After getting things situated, she came into the kitchen.
It smells like you ordered pizza," she said.
"It's your favorite," I said checking the oven, then turning to her. "I've been keeping it warm in here until you got home."
"Thank you," she said giving me another hug. "That's really sweet of you."
"You're welcome," I said. "Before we eat though, I wanted to talk to you."
Sitting down in the living room, I turned to where she sat beside me on the couch.
I began by telling her about how bad things had gotten before the panic attacks had started. I decided that I did want to tell her about how close to ending things I had been. I really didn't want to keep anything from her, so I told her.
"That's why you wanted me to get rid of Brad's gun isn't it?" she said hugging me as if I'd fly away at any moment. "I really am sorry that you were in so much pain at that time Danny."
I hugged her back, and we just sat there like that for a long time.
"I just didn't know what to do or where to go at that point," I said. "I wasn't actually wanting to be dead. I know that now, but It was really that I wanted to not be feeling everything that I was feeling back at that time."
"I understand what you mean, and I'm glad you're sharing this with me," she said. "What about now though, how are you feeling? How have you been feeling lately? Do you still feel like you want to harm yourself?"
"No, I haven't been feeling that way lately since you got rid of the gun, and I don't feel that way now at all," I answered. "I would tell you if I was feeling like that. I promise."
"Okay, thank you for telling me that," she said.
"You're welcome," I said. What I wanted to tell you now though has to do with the other thing about who I am. Obviously, you remember when I put my arm through the window in the front door a couple of weeks ago."
"I remember that," she said.
"I remember as I think about it more now, that I said something about I'm not who or what you think I am."
"Yeah, I do remember you saying that as well," she answered. "I had been meaning to ask what you meant when you said that."
"I said that, because I was afraid of you knowing the other part of who I am," I explained. "You haven't asked me too much about any girls I'm dating. You asked a couple of times when I became a teenager if I was starting to like any girls that I knew."
"Yeah, and you said that you just thought of them as friends for now," she responded.
"I did, and still do," I said. "Mom, I'm gay. I started figuring it out when I was 12, but it was becoming more obvious to me as I got further into being a teenager. I know it's part of who I am, and I um, I just wanted you to know."
I waited to see what she would say, and a silence began inserting itself as I waited to see what if anything she would do or say.
Author's Notes
This ended up being one of the longer chapters. I wanted to write more of Danny's back story once finishing up with what Josh had been put through.
You'll all have to wait and see how things turn out when Danny's mom responds after him coming out to her. Also in the next chapter, it'll be all about Danny and Josh. I had planned to write some time for them into this chapter, but the chapter was already becoming longer than I thought it would be. So, I'll be saving that for Chapter Ten. I hope all of you really like what happens when Danny spends more time with Josh.
All that being said, I hope you guys are doing well, and I'll see everyone in Chapter Ten.