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"CHASE AFTER ME"
By Maddy A.
CHAPTER 3: WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY
Chase lived about a twenty minute walk away from my house on the other side of town. His section wasn't as upscale as mine, but it was still clean and comfortable. My mom made my father drop me off despite his many protests on how it was better for me to walk. The wind was chilly, like most spring nights are. The smell of mint leaves filled my lungs as I excited the car. Chase' s house was not as nice or big as mine, but it felt more like home than my own. All of my happiest moments and memories had taken place inside of it. When we were younger, we would have sleepovers. Many summer nights were spent camping out in his little red tent in the backyard. Always in his backyard and never in mine, that's how I liked it. My father would rarely ever let me invite friends over. Even after all the years of us being best friends, I could count of one hand the amount of times he had been to my house. The few times that he did come over was when my mother was home. She was the only one who would let me invite him.
When ever we would camp out, Chase used to love to scare me with scary stories. He would tell me tales of vampires and demons that lived in the woods near his house. He used to scare me so bad, that I couldn't fall asleep in my sleeping bag. I would almost always wound up having to ask to sleep in his and he would always agree, never making me feel bad about it. Even at ten he was the only thing I counted on, the only thing I needed. Even though he knew that later in the night I would ask to get into his bag with him, he would still tell me those scary stories. Whenever I would shake him awake, he would just smile and open up his sleeping bag so I could climb in. I would cuddle against him, my back to his front and I would feel safe. Sometimes during the night I would feel his arms embrace me and it would feel right yet so wrong at the same time. It was all innocent at the point. Until the summer I turned twelve.
The older I got, the more I started to realize that even though Chase and I were close, I wanted to be closer. I wanted to be more than his friend, but I knew that was wrong. I didn't know what to call myself, but I knew that the feelings I had towards him weren't right. I was suppose to want to kiss and hold Susana Williams. I was suppose to want her to be my girl friend, and think about running my hands through her hair, but all I wanted to do was twirl a lock of Chase's golden curls. I was suppose to be dreaming about her, but the only person I dreamed about was him. The thought that I could possibly be gay brought out a fear inside of me that not even my father could compare to. I thought that maybe those feelings would pass and I would get over it, but with time it only grew stronger. I was terrified when I realized that I was in love with him, Chase, my best friend, another boy.
I rationalized that the only reason I was feeling like that towards him was because we were so close. I would dream about other guys, but they were always nameless faces I would see on the television or would pass in the hallways, but it was Chase who remained a constant. I thought that maybe if I didn' t hang around with him so much, that the crazy dreams and fantasies I would have about him, would disappear. As much as it hurt me inside, I slowly started to distance myself from him. I started off with limiting our normally nightly phone conversations to once every couple of days. I would dodge him in the halls and as much as it pained me to, whenever he would make a lame joke instead of laughing at like I always would do, I would tell him just how much it sucked. I did and said whatever hurtful thing that I could to make him stay away. I would practically ignore him in school, I stopped getting rides with him and rode the school bus. It hurt me to see that I was hurting him, but what other choice did I have? Poor Chase didn't understand what he did to make me so mad at him. He was always asking what he did to me and why I acted the way I did, but I would try to make him feel like he was crazy and I would pretend that every thing was fine. Thanks to my father, I had years of practice so I perfected the art of pretending.
That went on for two months. No matter how mean, or nasty I would be towards him, like the loyal friend that he was, he kept coming around so I did the one thing that I knew would keep him away. I become friends again with Billy Randall. Before Chase moved to town, Billy had been my best friend. As time went on and Chase and I grew closer, Billy sort of become more like a casual acquaintance than a friend. He hated the fact that he had been replaced' and Chase never took a liking to him. He would talk to him and occasionally we would all hang out, but Chase never really liked' him. Chase thought Billy was a bully and you know something, he was right. Billy would order me around and wouldn't hesitate to hit me or get physical if I didn't do what he wanted. I used to think that his red hair was just a sign of his hot temper. Our friendship was mostly built around my fear of him. When my father started hitting me, I become this shy and introverted kid and Billy used those characteristics to manipulate me. For a nine year old, he was a smart little shit.
Times weren't always bad with Billy. Occasionally we would have fun together. We would skip rocks in the creek that ran behind his house. I was always intimidated by him and what ever he asked me to do, I did it. Including playing games that we probably shouldn't have. When we were eight, we had our first sleep over. I guess we had been friends since the first grade, but up until that point we had never did anything outside of school. He was the youngest child out of seven kids. Most of his older brothers and sisters were grown and had moved out, but his older brother Brady was only fifteen at the time, so he still lived there. Brady was the spitting image of Billy or should I say vice- versa. They both had flaming straight red hair cut in a `bowl' style with bangs falling into their eyes. They were both extremely fair and had these scary blue eyes that looked like they belonged on a dog rather than a person. They were the kind of ice blue that chilled you. Billy and I were exploring his house when we found ourselves snooping around in Brady's room. Billy went into Brady's closet and pulled out a magazine that he hid behind his back. With a sneaky tone to his voice, he told me to lock Brady's door and sit next to him on the bed. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.
A blonde girl lay eagle spread on the cover, naked as the day she was born.
I was curious to see the other pictures, but Billy wouldn't let me turn the page. We flipped through it for a little while and one scene got to me. It was just a picture of a naked guy, stroking himself. For some reason, which I didn't understand at the time, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Even after Billy had moved on and was mesmerized by the hugest pair of fake boobs, this side of the Mason-Dixon line, I kept thinking about that naked man. We came across another scene where it was two guys sitting on a floor and jacking off. Billy must have noticed my interest because he looked over at me and grinned. In a whispery voice he said, "Why look at them, when we look at each others?" Like I said, for a kid he was smart. Next thing I knew our pants were off and lets just say things evolved from there. Needless to say there was nothing special about either of us, but at the time it was the most exciting thing I had ever experienced. Looking back I can chop it all down to simple exploration, but at the time it felt like more. I wasn't in love with Billy, in fact I secretly hated him for the mean way he treated me, but my early experiences with him helped me understand some things later on.
Most of the time Billy was a real asshole. He loved to push and shove me around just for the fun of it. I never fought back even though I wasn't afraid of him. I didn't understand why I let him get away with all the shit he put me through, but looking back now I can understand why. My father treated me like shit so I guess it was easy for me to be attached to someone else who would. Chase saw early on how bad Billy treated me and that was the main reason he didn't like him. When Chase was around, Billy wouldn't dare bully me, he was afraid to. One time on the playground Billy wanted to play basketball and when I didn't, he shoved me to the ground and told me that I'd better play or he wouldn`t be my friend. I was just about to get up and play when Chase came out of no where and pushed Billy down. He told him that I didn't have to play if I didn't want to and then he helped me up and we left Billy laying on the ground dumb founded. Billy knew better than to try to pick on Chase. Even at nine he was the tallest out of everyone in our class. Me, I was a few inches taller that Billy, but Chase had to be almost a foot taller than me so you can see why Billy knew better. Over that year, Chase slowly helped pull me away and out of my unhealthy friendship with Billy. By the end of that year I barley spoke two words to him.
The only way I could think to get under Chase's skin was to befriend Billy a gain, so that's what I did. I was twelve, what did I know. I started off small. I had gym class with both Billy and Chase and during a game of softball I picked Billy instead of Chase to play on my team. I guess you could say Billy was that asshole type who still managed to be popular despite his cruel behavior. When I picked him, he looked an equal mixture of surprised and annoyed. I had barley spoken to him for the last three years so I understood his apprehension. Chase of course was hurt by the fact that I didn't choose him and as much as that hurt me, it had to be done. I had all of these confusing feelings and being around him only added to that confusion and I just wanted thing to be less difficult for me.
I stopped sitting with Chase and sat with Billy at lunch and as the days went on, Chase's patience with me wavered. Whenever he got the chance, he would always ask me what he did that made me mad at him and why I would hang around Billy. I couldn't give Chase the real reason so I shrugged it off as Billy was just cool That was a total lie. In the years since I had stopped being friends with him, the asshole inside of him had gotten bigger. I guess I was a gluten for punishment. The final straw came when he caught me smoking a stoggie with Billy. Chase hated cigarettes. His grandfather died of lung cancer and I knew that he was against smoking of any kind. Chase was shooting ball with some of our other friends and I pretended not to notice him. Every few minutes I would catch him sneaking a peak at me, but he made not move to come and talk to me. He saw that I was with Billy and by that time he was slowly taking the hint that I didn't want him around. Billy lit up a cigarette and offered me one. I looked at Chase, who had just made a 3- point shot and I looked down at the little white cigarette that was in Billy's hand. I could see Chase looking at me like he knew me. Looking at me as if he knew that I wouldn't take it. It was like he was holding on to that one fact to keep our friendship; he knew me. I needed to show him that he didn't know me, not the real me so I took the stoggie and smoked it. To say that I smoked gracefully would be a gross understatement. I coughed and wheezed and couldn't quite inhale, but I tried. I felt Chase's eyes glaring as he looked at me sorrowfully, paused, looked away and dribbled the ball in the opposite direction. I persuaded Billy to got back to his house because I couldn't stand being around Chase and feeling his disappointed eyes on me. After that day, we didn't speak to each other for months.
Occasionally I would catch him staring at me with a sad expression. His hazel eyes didn't shine anymore and whenever I caught him he would just look away.. We would exchange a casual smile or a wassup in the halls, but that was it. There was nothing else. I should have been happy, but I wasn't. At the time I thought I was doing what was best. I thought that if I wasn't around him so much, then all of my "feelings" would go away, but they didn't. If anything they grew more intense. I never realized just how much I depended on a simple hello or conversation with him to help make my life bearably. Whenever my father would beat me, which was almost daily, I had no comfort to fall back on.
Billy was still a real piece of work. He was still smaller than me, but the jerk inside of him more than overcompensated for his lack of height. He wouldn't think twice at ordering me around. On more than one occasion I found myself buying his lunch or cleaning his bedroom, just because he told me to. One day we had a conversation of the old days; before Chase came to town. It was obvious that they shared a mutual dislike of each other. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, Billy would talk bad about Chase. Whether it be picking on the funny Canadian way he spoke or his curly blonde hair, whatever mean thing Billy could think of, he would say it. It was almost as if he was obsessed with him. If I didn't know how much he hated Chase I would have
thought he was in love with him.
Without Chase, my life felt so pointless. Living with my father was hard enough, but with out the comfort of Chase, there was no solace. To make matters worse Billy thought it would be fun to start doing those things that we did when we were younger again. I was against it at first, but Billy managed to convince me with a few of his "oh so kind" words. A part of me liked what we were doing. It was a lot more fun now that we were older, but a lot scarier. I couldn't chop it up to simple exploration because we were beyond that faze. No, the things we were doing were worse than my simple feelings for Chase. With him, there was love and trust and the need to be affectionate, but with Billy there was none of that. Just pointless jacking each other off.
He just wanted to get off and I don't really know what I was doing. There were a few times that I liked it, but more than often I didn`t. I just went along with what Billy wanted. It took me a few months to get the courage to, but I slowly started to distance myself from Billy. Unlike Chase, it was easy to do that and Billy could care less. He had other friends and found a girlfriend so when I started ignoring him, he didn't give me a second thought.
Once again I was alone.
It had been a few months since I had talked to Chase. Then fate in the form of Mrs. Lopez intervened. She partnered us up together on science project; something about sonic waves. I was nervous to see what Chase's reaction would be, but when I saw his bright smile I knew that things were going to be okay. It was a little awkward talking to him at first. It felt like we were strangers, it had been so long since we last had a real conversation. We made plans to get together after school. When I got home I was so excited by the prospect that Chase and I could maybe become friends again. I knew that my feelings for him were still strong, but I missed him. I would take his friendship again first and then worry about the rest later. In my excitement I must have slammed the front door because seconds as I was in the door I heard the irritated yelling of my father.
"WHAT IS ALL THAT GOD DAMN NOISE?" He yelled and I thought `Oh No!' He came out of the den with his business suit on and his light brown hair combed back making him look like the professional man that he was. At all appearances you would just write him off as a studious business man. A hardworking lawyer and devoted family man. Bull shit! He didn't give a fuck about me and he certainly didn't care about my sister Gia. I bet he didn't even remember
her let alone think about her or the things he did, but I remembered. Every night I remembered. When I went to sleep at I would hear her screams and his moans ringing in my ears as constant reminders the his sins he made no attempt to shield me from. But, there was no penance for his crimes. No one knew except the three of us and the two of us weren't talking. I was too afraid. Like he always told me, nobody would believe me. I know what he use to do to her, I know what he did. He was a monster...if I believed in God I would have thought he was the devil himself for what I saw that day. For what he tried to make me believe I didn't...but I did.
"I'm sorry dad. Chase is co---" My apology was cut off by a hard slap across the face.
"DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?!? ALL YOU GIVE IS EXCUSE AFTER GOD DAMN EXCUSE! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO TAKE THIS BELT TO YOU!" He yelled. Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!' I kept whispering inside of my head. I knew that if he took off that belt, that was the end of it. I kept my gaze down the expensive marble floor. I knew better than to look him the eye. He would take that as a sign of insolence. I just stood there quietly, but that pissed him off even more. "OH, SO YOU WANT TO BE A LITTLE SMART ASS AND NOT SAY ANYTHING! HAVE IT YOUR WAY!" He continued to yell as he pushed me so hard that I fell on the floor, biting my lip hard enough to taste the metallic blood flow into my mouth. He was screaming unintelligible words at me, but I did manage to hear faggot' a few times. All of this was going on in the front hallway of the main entrance. The doors were made of glass and had a foamy froth painted across so all you could make out were shapes and silhouettes from a distance. My father was about to kick me when I noticed a tall figure with a golden mop of hair walking up the walk-way. I tried to warn my father that Chase was coming, but I was silenced with a not so gentle kick to my gut. He kept on screaming at me. "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS CA---" He started, but was cut off by the buzzing of the doorbell. He turned around annoyed to see Chase's face pressed up against that glass. My father whispered for me to answer it. I slowly pulled myself up and wiped away the few tears that had escaped. I knew from the burning on my face that my father's slap had left
a red mark against my light brown skin, but I hoped it didn't show through too much.
"Hey Chase." I said with a smile on my face, but he saw through it.
"Why are you crying, what's wrong?" He asked with concern on his face and I saw his eyes travel quickly to my cheek. I guess I didn't do that good of a job wiping away my tears. Embarrassed, I turned around trying to hide my face as I motioned for him to come in. I told him that I had fell and hurt my arm. The look on his face let me know that he wasn't buying it. Before he could finish his questioning my father reappeared.
"Chase? You haven't come around in quite a while, how have you been son?" My father asked him with his normally cold smile now warmed. Chase immediately fell for his act.
"Hey Mr. Pratt! I'm fine, how are you?" He replied cheerfully.
"I'm well! So what have you been up too? It's been a while." My father continued ignoring my presence.
"I've been good." Chase replied and gave me a look that I couldn't decipher.
"I thought you two weren't friends anymore!" My father joked and Chase looked over at my sad face and smiled.
"Were still friends...Best friends." He replied and I smiled. In less than an instant, our friendship was renewed.
We never started the project that day. Instead, we got caught up on three months of missed friendship. There was nothing important that happened to me, but Chase had experienced his first kiss. It was with Melissa Ling, this annoyingly sweet girl who not only was nice, but was beautiful to match. I couldn't help, but to feel the evil seeds of jealousy sprouting as he recanted the story of how she walked up to him after school and kissed him before walking away with a smile on her face and giggling to her friends. I smiled at the smile that was on his face as he spoke, but when the realization that his smile wasn't for me, but Melissa, it quickly faded. Chase saw the change in my face and asked me what was wrong. Even after being apart for so long, he was still able to read my emotions. I gave the excuse that I was just tired and thankfully he didn't press the issue.
The time that we spent apart didn't matter. Once we made up we were closer than ever and even referred to our separation jokingly as the "seventh grade incident". Every now and then he would ask me what it was that he did to make me so made, but he would never get an answer from me. I would just smile and shrug it off, and the subject would always get dropped.
So, here it was four years later and the love that I had for Chase went beyond the simple means of friendship. It was pure yet sweet torture being around him knowing that I could never fully express my feelings of love towards him, but that's how it had to be. It had to be that way or no way and I would rather suffer with him silently than not with him at all.
It was only a little after eight, but already the sky was dark with a deep blue. The only lights on his street came from porch lights, which did little to illuminate anything and the bushes that lined the edge of his front yard blocked that little light out. The streets on his side of town didn't have any sidewalks so as soon as I stepped out of the car, my feet was cushioned with the dark green grass. I was glad that I wore my jacket because although it was early spring, the night was filled with winters chill. I peered up a his house and saw that the only lights on were in his bedroom on the second floor and the living room. I stood there for a moment looking up, not moving. A quick blur of red flashed passed and it was Chase. I couldn't tell from the distance, but he looked to be upset about something with the way he was pacing. He stopped in front of his window and stared out into the night as he roughly pushed back his curly blonde hair away from his face. I loved how as soon as he moved his hands, his bang of curls fell back in his hazel eyes. For a moment it felt like he was looking down at me, but I knew it was too dark for him to see me.
I couldn't be positive, but he looked like he was stressing about something.
I thought to myself that I was suppose to be the one with all the problems, not him. He was too beautiful and good for worries unlike me who deserved every fucked up thing that happened. His frustrations must have gotten to him because he growled out loud enough for me hear and picked up what I assumed was a book and through it across the room. I could hear the faint thump as it hit the wall followed by Chase yelling "nothing" to whom I'm sure was his mother. His frustrations continued and he tore off his t-shirt and threw that down to. His body was cut in all the right places with athletic prowess in a natural, not overt way, but his face still held that baby fat that I found attractive and was offset by his cute upturned nose. At the moment he was
attempting to grow a beard just for the hell of it, but he only had a few sparse dark blonde hairs that gave him a rugged, yet still clean look. He turned back to face the window and I found myself lost looking up at him as I slowly made my way down the walkway and towards the front door. It was like he was looking at me, but there was no way he could see me. He scratched his abdomen and it felt like he was putting on a show for me. I know that must sound crazy, it is crazy, but that's what it felt like. He rubbed his hand slowly across he soft skin and from the distance, I imagined his skin prickling with goose-bumps like the ones that were forming on my arms with the sight of him. I was in a trance like daze just gazing up at him with each slow step. He continued to gaze down out his window at something that I didn't see. I was too consumed with my own thoughts of him to follow his gaze. I couldn' t be sure, but out of no where a small smile seemed to form across his face. His hand continued to rub his stomach only now he was doing it even slower and the grin on his face deepened. I could feel myself tightening in my jeans with the show he was inadvertently giving me. I continued to walk and the closer I got to his door, the more into focus he became. His hazel eyes seemed to glimmer with a hint of something I couldn't decipher. I was directly below his window now and his smile seemed even brighter as I finally realize just what it was that he had been staring at. ME! `He was looking at ME!! He was looking at me LOOK at him! No, he couldn't have, could he? Oh Shit!
Oh God!' My panicked thoughts must have been evident on my face because I could see the worry on Chase's face from the window as his smile faded. I was less than ten feet away from the door and I couldn't decide if I should just knock on it and pretend like everything was fine or if I should run in the other direction. Pretending was easy for me, but I didn't want to have do that. Do you know how much energy that takes? How much stress it puts on your body? Pretending that everything in your life is so fucking perfect and wonderful when really all you want to do is die! It kills your soul and at that moment I didn't want to go through the motions. So, I turned around and tried to head home. As I was halfway across the lawn, Chase's front door was thrown open and a flustered Chase appeared. His chest was flushed with a deep red against his naturally golden tanned skin. His eyes were wild and his face was flushed as he struggled to catch his breathe. He must have ran down the stairs in a rush to get me.
"Are you okay?" He asked with concern laden in his voice. I was too shocked to speak. Embarrassment from being caught ogling him mixed with my fear.
It was a paralyzing effect that normally only my father had the power to do. My mind was clouded with confusing thoughts and I couldn't verbalize a lie. For some random irrational reason I thought he had figured out I was in love with him and all I wanted to do was get out of there. I wanted to walk away, run away, anything that could get me to leave, but I couldn't move. Chase's deep blond eyebrows furrowed with my lack of response. He pulled me into his arms and I flinched at the unexpected contact. His arms were strong and his scent was rich with sweat and soap. I found myself slowly lifting my arms and hugging him back. His grip was firm and I leaned my head on his shoulder as his arms rested at my sides. He whispered in my ear with his deep gruff voice. "Tell me...what's wrong?" He repeated twice. I stood in silence finding myself still unable to speak. I could feel tears gathering in the corner of my eyes. I was so afraid that I screwed up like I always did. My father was right about me, I didn't deserve to be happy, I didn't deserve anything good in my life. I was just standing there like some little helpless faggot about to cry into my best friends arms because I knew he didn't love me like I loved him. But, Chase didn't let up. He wanted to know what was wrong with me and why I was shaking in his arms. Growing up, neither of us were very affectionate with each other, so that's why I was surprised with how openly he embraced me. I hadn't even realized I was shaking until he said something. I let my arms fall down, away from his neck, but he kept his grip firm on my sides; keeping me close. He continued to whisper in my ear only this time it was with less sympathy and more urgency. "Damn it Louis! Tell me! What the fuck is wrong?" I responded with silence, but he continued on. " Just tell me, please? Whatever it is, I'll help you, but you gotta tell me!
Please...just say it?" He begged. It almost felt like he knew what I was thinking, but wanted me to tell him. I couldn't tell him that when he touched me, my skin felt on fire. That whenever he looked at me, my stomach tied up in knots and I found it hard to sit still. God, I wish my life didn't have to be so difficult! I couldn't take being so close to him so I pushed him away. I don't know how, but I found myself turning to run away from him. I heard heavy breathing behind me and the next thing I knew, Chase had me tackled to the lawn. The grass was wet and prickling the exposed skin on my hands. Chase's face was only inches away from mine and I thanked God that it was too dark for him to make out my features, but I could make out his. I had studied each structure and form of his face for years and each groove and contour was so elegantly formed. Everything about him was beautiful, whereas everything about me wasn't. I pushed myself up and he pushed me back down with one hand.
"No, your not leaving until you tell me what's wrong!" He demanded. My voice was shaky and hoarse, but the tears hadn't fallen yet and for that I was
thankful.
"Th--there's nothing wrong. I gotta go home." I managed to whisper and tried to get up again, but he knocked me back down so my head lay in the wet grass. The moon gave us little light and I could see blades of grass on his shoulders. I found myself absent-mindedly picking the blades off his bare tanned skin. I don't know what possessed me to do such a dumb thing, but I did it anyway. His breathing quickened as did mine. I looked up into his eyes and things just felt right. I can't explain how or why things felt like they were falling into place, but they were. Maybe it was the shy smile he gave me that made the hairs on his chin move. Maybe it was when I let my hand move off of his shoulder and around his back. Maybe it was when he didn't stop me. Maybe it was when he pressed his body closer to mine. Maybe it was when his head leaned down and my leaned up. Maybe it was the moonlight and the smell of a spring's night air around us. I don't know what it was, but something that night made us kiss. It was slow and both of our eyes were open wide with fear and uncertainty, but we moved forward...and forward...I could feel his hot mouth centimeters from mine. When he licked his lips in preparation for contact, his tongue flicked across my lower lip and I pushed forward. It was a peck that we both pulled away from way too quickly with a smacking sound. Chase stood up quickly and backed away from me.
"Um...umm...oh god! Shit...I gotta go" He stammered. I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to look at him, I was too ashamed. I had ruined everything and the tears were going to spill at any moment, but I couldn't find the strength to pull myself off the lawn and run home. It was the slamming of his front door that brought me out of my trance. I pulled my broken body up and walked away from his house. When I reached to road where there should have been sidewalk, but instead was grass I took a longing glance at Chase's window. To my surprise he was standing there looking back at me.
"Call me tomorrow!" He yelled out in a voice that sounded strained and I turned and left. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the light of his bedroom go out. It took me an hour to walk the twenty minute's home. My heavy heart slowed me down....
To Be Continued.....
**Wanna know what happens next? You would have known weeks ago if you were in my yahoo group. To join cut and paste http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaddyA_Stories (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MaddyA_Stories) (take note of the underscore between A and Stories)
Copyright Madison Aysha Dant 2005