Sunday, February 9
By Monday morning, I was a basket case. I had been thinking about Carlos all night, and hardly slept. My ass was sore, but in a good way, and I just wanted his cock in my mouth, in my ass, in me... I just wanted him to use me anyway he wanted. I got to school a little early, and when I saw him, I thought I was going to melt. He smiled and came over to me. A rush of "being his" overcame me, and he was the only person I saw.
"I've been thinking about you," he said.
"Me too. I mean. I've been thinking about you. Not that..." Suddenly, I couldn't put a simple sentence together. I looked down at my feet, and wondered if the earth would be nice and crack open so I could simply fall into it.
"Yeah, I get it. That was pretty intense. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to do that again, but I don't want to... abuse you?"
I didn't have a good answer for that. I just kept looking at my feet and feeling like a dork.
Then he said, "Let's talk tonight. I'll call you. Let's figure out where this thing is going, OK?
I nodded a lot, and smiled and said, "Yeah, I'd like that."
"K... I'll call you."
And that was it. I was a bag of mush, and somehow shuffling off to Algebra. Brie intercepted me and asked what was the matter. I told her we needed to talk, and she said that wasn't good enough.
"OK, Brie, here's what it is. I'm deep into a head space right now. In a way, it's Carlos, but it's really more me. I've really been trying to take control of who I am and my journey and I'm finding I need to give up some of that control. I gave up a lot of it to Carlos, and now, frankly, I'm scared and don't know exactly who I am anymore."
"Yeah, shit. I hear you. Listen, Christy, my body generates a shit ton load of hormones and they affect me in really peculiar ways sometimes. You're taking the same load voluntarily, and it's no surprise you're on a roller coaster. You're not going to just snap out of it, but don't fuck up a good thing with Carlos, OK? I'm lucky I'm with Randi. She kinda understands, although she's more guy than girl sometimes."
"OK, you make sense. My head doesn't make sense right now, but thanks. Can I carry you around in my pocket in case I need you?"
"I got my own prob's, Christy. You'll do fine. Now, let's go solve some linear equations."
The rest of the day was kinda like that. I saw Carlos at Drama Club at lunch, where he was focused on lines for Noises Off. Mr. M hadn't handed out the firm casting yet, but everyone kinda knew who was going to be `in' (Carlos) and who was going to be a shit carrier (me, for instance). That was fine. I was happier being a shit carrier. Anyway, school had the added benefit of getting me out of my head space and into something more real, so I could see Carlos at lunch and not turn into jelly.
Homework was light on Monday, so Mom agreed to take me shopping. I still had some money left over from Christmas gifts, and it was burning a hole in my purse. Speaking of a `purse', I wanted something a little bigger. I had a couple of little cute ones, nice for parties and such, and a backpack, but our Christmas trip reminded me I needed something with more... space? Yeah, space. Also, my boobies were having another growth spurt, so it was time for a couple of bras with a little more breathing room.
In fact, my wardrobe is in a complete rut. I've got plenty of cute winter things, but I basically live in school clothes. Spring is on its way, and I've got a complete shortage of skirts and dresses, and my underwear collection is bland, to say the least. I'm also in a rut on shoes. Heck, I'm in a rut on everything feminine.
So, we started at Target for some very basic basics -- a couple of new nicely padded bras and some much prettier panties. Mom also commented that my sleepwear had devolved into something barely girlish' (OK, I'll admit, boy-shorts and t-shirts are the definition of barely girlish') and so it took very little coaxing to get me into something a little more feminine for lounging and bedtime. I got a nice satin-y cami set with ruffled bottoms and a little pink babydoll set. I also picked up some nice ruffled socks to wear to school in the Spring when everyone loses their tights. We shifted over to the bra department, and found a couple of very nice padded `barely B' cups that were a little larger than my current A's, and would flatter my figure.
I don't really think of Target for `high fashion', but I tried on a couple of skirts. Mom agreed that the pleated skater skirts looked better on my slender frame, giving me the illusion of actually having hips. I bought a couple of those, one black and one hot pink for after the weather turned warm. We then went to the nearby mall and shopped some more boutique-y places and found me a couple of tops to match the skater skirts. The Gap had some nice loose linen shorts that matched up nicely with a boyfriend shirt -- all in great colors for Spring, and a long-sleeved mini shirtdress. I'm a big denim fan, and Mom helped me pick out a denim short-sleeved top and shorts set. Mom convinced me that loose tops and layered fashions would hide my lack of "boobage". Unfortunately, a LOT of what I liked best needed cleavage, and I was barely there in that department.
Next for the shoes. I had plain lace-up school shoes (hardly distinguishable from boy-shoes) but Mom found some nicer loafers and a pair of cute ballet flats for me at Nordstroms. I found this REALLY cute mid-thigh length long-sleeved sweater, a denim jacket, and another pair of loose fitting but short denim shorts. We also found a couple of midi dresses, one in sage and one with a dark floral pattern. I picked up a straw tote, a couple of scarves and a babydoll cardigan. It was a HUGE load, but I hadn't been shopping in a while, and most of my wardrobe looked too much like a Goodwill store. Mom and I had some great laughs, and on the ride home, I really had this feeling that I'd always been a girl, and couldn't ever remember being a boy and buying boy stuff. I liked the way I felt.
This was my week to see Dr. Strange again. It was brief. My weight was solid, and took some blood and had me pee in a cup (a new thing... huh). Apparently my boobies are just a little bigger (I can feel, but how can he tell?) and otherwise he's keeping my prescriptions the same.
Speaking of strange, Wednesday was weirder than normal. Mom spends a lot of time managing the stock market (I don't really know what she does, but apparently she has something called "wealth management" clients). She was staring at the `puter screen when I got home and looked like she'd been doing that all day. I asked her how she was doing, and she just mumbled something about "bad news" and "overbought" and "bubble". She might as well have been asking my opinions about space aliens or open heart surgery. I said something about dinner and she said something about leftover Chinese. She said, "there may not be any good Chinese food for a while" which sounded cryptic and I ignored it. So... I dove into homework and checked on our supply of fried rice.
Both Thursday and Friday were slack-ass school days. The sister-wives got together for lunch both days, which was odd because lately we'd all been really busy on stuff. Someone mentioned that we needed another weekend sleepover. Everybody jumped at the idea, and then stared at me like I was the only one with a gigantic basement and wide screen TV. I said "sure: and "when" and started thinking about snacks. We all tentatively set a date for next weekend.
I saw Carlos before the end of school Friday and he asked me what I was doing over the weekend. I told him I didn't yet have plans, and he said he was slammed all weekend with family stuff. I was a little miffed I wouldn't see him all weekend, then realized that maybe a weekend off wasn't a bad thing.
In fact, Becca flew home from school Friday afternoon -- seemed her Friday afternoon class got cancelled and she was able to grab a quick flight home (Mom has LOTS of frequent flyer points). Mom was happy to see her, but in a really strange melancholy way. We decided to all go skiing Saturday morning, and Mom suggested calling Aunt Lilly and Jason. Turns out, Jason was going to be away on some kind of thing, so it was just the four of us girls going to the slopes early. I was tremendously happy, first cuz I LOVED getting out on the slopes, and second because it was nice to be out with the "girls" without thinking about being a girl, just BEING a girl. I snowboarded til I thought my legs were going to fall off, and fell a couple of times but had a blast. Mom and Lilly ski'd a little, but spent a lot of time at the bar and grill just talking. I saw them a couple of times when I stopped for hot chocolate (like nearly every time I finished a run!) and they seemed to be having some really heated and deep conversations. Mom seemed really agitated about something, I don't know what.
Today, we all went to Church. Mom's not generally an avid church-gower, but with Becky (she's going by "Becky" now... go figure) in town, Mom said she just wanted to go, and it gave me an excuse to wear something nice -- in this case, a cute knee-length long-sleeved dress and nude tights. During church school, I hung out in the youth center and compared notes on last month's ski trip.
Aunt Lilly came over this afternoon, and she and mom huddled over the computer and seemed to be arguing (maybe not the right word) about something. Lilly left, and Mom and I drove Becky to the airport before dinner. Mom said she and I should go out to eat dinner in a restaurant, because maybe there wouldn't be the chance to do that in a while. We went to a little Pho place near our house, and while waiting for our orders, I finally asked Mom what was going on. She said that there was a weird virus coming out of China, and it seemed like it had some real potential to be worse than simply the flu. She said she was hedging her client's stock accounts (whatever that means) because she had a sinking feeling that things were not going to be good and that the government was incapable of handling a crisis. It was all more than just a little scary.