DYLAN'S FRESHMAN YEAR
Chapter 11
by Donny Mumford
Chubby flips home-fries in the frying pan, then turns down the heat a little to looks over at Robby and me with a nervous laugh. "Okay, guys... um, here goes: the favor I need is for you two to be blind dates tonight for a friend of Samantha's, and her friend's friend. They're from Boston College." Robby and I exchange glances, then Robby says, "Why would we want to do that, Chubby? Your girlfriend is, pardon the expression, a bitch; I'm guessin' her girlfriend probably is too." I jump in with, "Yeah, and she can't stand Robby and me, so why does she want us to be blind dates for her friends?" Chubby goes, "She's not a bitch! You don't know her, that's all. And while it's true Sam thinks you're both immature dinks, and bad influences on me," and he chuckles at that, then adds, "she also says, 'those two assholes are gorgeous', meaning you two, so I've set up an appointment for her at the optometrist, but in the meantime she thinks fixing her friends up with teen idols, like yourselves, will blow them away." I'm rolling my eyes making a face at Robby, who says, "Where would we take these girls, anyway?" Chubby's getting serious now 'cause he thinks Robby's weakening; he says, "There's this awesome private party tonight at The House Of Blues in Boston. A radio station is throwing the party to celebrate fifteen years on the air, or some such shit. Anyway, Samantha's father is sales manager for a company that's a big sponsor on the station and, because of that, he received a bunch of VIP passes. It'll be cool... live bands and free everything. You two are damn lucky to even be asked to go." Robby and me are all ears now, but I'm still faking skepticism as I mutter, "Oh sure, you're doing us such a big favor... well, maybe these two gorgeous boys have something else going on tonight. What radio station is it, anyway?" Chubby goes back to stirring the potatoes, waving a hand at me, saying, "Oh, what difference does it make? I'm not gonna beg you, forget about it! I was actually trying to do you two a favor," and Robby's like, "No wait! We'll go... right, Dylan?" Frowning, I'm like, "Not if Chubby's gonna be like that..." Robby's looking at me with raised eyebrows, his hands spread, shrugging his shoulders, like, "What the fuck? Let's do it, it'll be cool!" Chubby says, "He's pouting again, Robby; he wants me to butter him up some more... plead with him. Hell, I could get blind dates for these BC chicks in ten minutes by just standing out front of the quad holding up the passes to tonight's gig. But don't worry, I'll pretend Dylan's doing me a favor." I'm pouting because Chubby's dissing me, I go, "Don't be ridiculous!" Smiling, Chubby drops the spatula on the counter and gets me in a hug, saying, "Pleassssse, come with us tonight, Dylan!" I struggle to get free, muttering, "You're such an asshole, Chubby... everything has to be your way. Oh okay, I'll go, but only because Robby wants to." Robby's nodding his head encouraging me as Chubby let's go of me, saying to Robby, "Ya just gotta kiss his ass and he'll go along with just about anything." I'm still a little pouty because of the way Chubby blew us off so quickly a minute ago. I say, "You really shouldn't act like such a big shot, Chubby... I mean, it's Samantha who got the free passes, not you." Chubby gives me another big smile, and says, "You're so cute when you're feelings get hurt!" Robby's the peace maker, "Come on boys, be nice!" then, "What do these girls look like, anyway?"
As I'm getting the orange-juicer out of the pantry I'm trying to figure out why Robby's so anxious to do the blind dates; he's uncomfortable around girls. And, I'm still disappointed Chubby was so quick to give up on the idea of us being the blind dates; then it hits me, he just used reverse psychology on me. Damn!
But still, I do want to go because, what the fuck, it's The House Of Blues... think of the bragging rights! It's worth it even if we do need to be with girls. Chubby's telling us something about the girls we'll be dating; he describes one as overweight and short, and the other as maybe having a tad too much nose, and kinda thin, and real tall with an enlarged adams-apple. I'm appalled, but Robby, with a straight face, says to me, "You can have the female Ichabod Crane, Dylan. I'll take the carnival fat girl," and I realize that, of course, Chubby's just breaking our balls. He's laughing as I try not to, but blurt out a laugh anyway, saying, "Good God! They sound hot!" Chubby's like, "Actually, I don't know what they look like; I've never met them, but what difference does it make?" I'm shaking my head at that, and Robby's like, "I'm outta here. I'll get the coffees and see you all later!" The door slams behind him as I'm thinking he's probably just realizing what he committed himself to a blind date with a girl. Now it's quiet in our apartment... I'm cutting oranges in half getting ready to juice them, wishing I was the one going for the coffees 'cause it's a bit awkward in here at the moment, and that's a rare situation for Chubby and me, and I don't know why he's dissing me this morning.
A minute later Chubby comes over, and says, "Okay, bro... I didn't do anything, but I can see you're mad at me so, for whatever reason, I'm sorry for upsetting you. Let's make up." I'm dismissive, "You don't have anything to be sorry about... forget about it." He hugs me again, saying, "I can't have a good day unless you tell me we're 'good' 'cause I don't shine if you don't shine." I stop cutting the oranges to look at him and realize he's serious, which is sweet, but now I feel like the asshole so I joke around, instead of being serious, saying, "The only proper way to make up is with a kiss!" he says, "Hmmm, does that rule apply to best friends, when both of the friends are boys?" I say, "Of course!" Chubby puckers up, muttering, "I'm ready," and I can't help but smile. Then I can't help but kiss him, so I do... right on his lips, and that simple kiss makes my dick move in my pants. Chubby asks, "We good now?" and I go, "Yeah, even though I know you used reverse psychology on me earlier." Chubby acts indignant, "I most certainly did not! I never use reverse anything!" and I say, "Ha! You wasted your time with it anyway, because
right from the start I wanted to go to The House Of Blues." Chubby says, "You're too smart for me, Dylan... lets hug so I can be sure you're not mad anymore; I'll be able to tell by the way you hug back." We do our regular hug and it feels so natural, so comfortable; our bodies meld, two into into one, fitting perfectly together. We hold the hug for maybe five seconds and my dick gets firmer with each second. Chubby lets go, saying, "That's the proper Dylan-hug alright... I can tell we're good when you hug like that. Now I'm A-OK for a nice day." I say, "One more thing, you need to promise to do at least one dance with me tonight." Chubby's getting a carton of eggs from the refrigerator, muttering, "Oh, of course, that goes without saying," and to make it more absurd I add, "A slow dance!" Chubby cracks open the first egg, saying, "Definitely, it must be a slow dance..." I go, "Okay, remember you promised, and we're going to do a lot of grinding too." He chuckles, then sarcastically mutters, "Riiiight...".
Robby comes back with the coffees just as I finish with the orange juice and Chubby finishes beating the eggs. Chubby asks, "You boys ready?" and we go, "Ready,' and he pours six beaten eggs into a frying pan that's swimming in melted butter. "Cook 'em slow, Chub," Robby advises, and Chubby's like, "I fucking know how to cook scrambled eggs!" I smirk at Robby, like, "Good one!" as I'm pushing the handle down on the toaster,"... and breakfast is on. As we eat at the kitchen counter we talk about the horrendous start the Red Sox are off to this spring, and then argue which team, the Bruins or the Celtics, will bomb-out of the playoffs first. We're typically negative Boston fans, always expecting the worst, and that goes double when the Bruins are involved. After breakfast we clean up the kitchen, then both Robby and Chubby want haircuts. Chubby's faux hawk style looks best when it's crisp, but I only need to cut a little off as it hasn't been too many weeks since his last haircut. Robby wants
the same haircut he and Connor have been rockin' for a while now... short, combed down on top and flipped-up in front. When I'm done with those, Robby tells me, "You need one too, Dylan, so hop up on the stool and I'll take care of it for you. You'll wanna look good for your blind date tonight." Remembering the last disastrous haircut Robby gave me, Chubby makes a face at me and covers-up a laugh with a fake cough. Robby's like, "What's so funny, Chubby? Dylan has faith in me, don'tcha, Dylan?" Chubby and I exchange another quick look with my expression trying to get across, "Don't say anything!" as I say, "Absolutely!" and I get up on the barber stool; Robby wraps the cape around me. "How do you want me to cut it this time, Dylan?" I go, "Um, just a light trim, Robby... I'm letting it grow in." Chubby gives me a discrete thumbs-up as he passes by on his way to the balcony. He tells us he going out there for a smoke and a conversation on his cell phone, with guess-who... Samantha, of course.
Robby does minimal damage to my hair after which he and I head out to buy groceries for the apartment. We share a smoke on the way to the pickup while trying to decide what to wear tonight. "Let's dress as twins," I say, and Robby cracks up with that. "Oh yeah, that'll impress the shit out of our blind dates." I go, "We'll be rockin' the gay theme for the chicks! Just imagine the look on Sam's face ... it'd be a classic." We decide not to do that though because Chubby would be wicked disappointed in us. After the grocery shopping we do some homework together and eventually ended up on one of the twin beds making out and groping each other through our sweat pants. Two boners quickly show up, one for each of us, and heavy breathing follows. Robby smells so good! I know I'm always going on about that but I can't ever get enough of him. We wrestle around on the bed, our lips locked together, and he ends up on top of me dry humping my boner. Oh God! It's so sexy! After some of that, Robby pushes my head to the side and sucks on my neck giving me one of those stinging hickeys, but his lips and tongue on my neck bring his face close to mine, with his breath blowing on me moist and warm makes it's worth a stinging hickey just being this intimate with him. His body's pinning mine against the mattress and his odor surrounds my senses. I could do this for hours! I hug his body and moan his name... I love him so much my stomach aches. Done with the hickey, Robby sucks on my mouth, rubbing his nose against mine, then licks my face like a dog and bites my earlobe and sucks on my earring before going back to my mouth for a long, hot, French kiss. I'm making whining sounds of pleasure, extremely sexually aroused. Our arms encircle each other, holding us tight together, sweat's breaking out on our faces and on all the other places our bodies grind together. Almost breathless, Robby says, right into my ear, his lips leaving wetness there, "Get your pants down, Dylan... I need to be inside you so badly it's sick!"
Desperate to make that happen I flounce around under Robby while pulling at the elastic waistband of my sweat pants and quickly managing to get both the sweat pants and my underwear off my ass and halfway down my thighs. Robby crawls down off me and gets next to me lifting my legs, saying."Put your legs in the air, Dylan," which I do and he wrestles my pants off and smacks my bare ass, then gets around facing me while pulling off his pants, then sits back on his ankles inching up so that one of his knees is on either side of my buttocks. He looks at me laying here panting with desire, then while grinning, he says, "Bend your legs, silly... ya don't need to keep your feet in the air like that." I bring my knees down to my chest, my feet spreading so I can see Robby. A drip of perspiration is at the tip of his perfect nose and I'm thinking how Samantha's right about him, he is beautiful. His cute haircut with his two-tone blond hair and his shiny blue eyes, so bright with anticipation. I go, "Kiss me, Robby!" He leans over and gives me a soft lovers kiss, then sucks on my top lip pulling it away from my mouth before letting go. Leaning down close to my face now, his nose an inch from mine, he says, "I love you!" followed by a quick kiss, then a quick, whispered, "You're so fucking cute I could eat you up!" Taking my boner in his fist he strokes it as he moves in again for a long tongue-in-my-mouth kiss. I'm making quiet sounds, "Ooh, ooh, ooh," at the back of my throat while humping my hips up at Robby's stroking hand. Then I feel the wet head of his cock at my asshole. He pulls his lips from mine, and tells me, "Ask me for it, Dylan." I'm hyperventilating I want it so badly. Sometimes it's like this for me; sometimes it's hotter than hot... it's a desperate craving I have. I mutter, "Fuck me, Robby... please, fuck me hard." He immediately humps his cock inside me past my sphincter ring and keeps shoving it up until his crotch is plastered to my ass. After a seconds pause, he pulls it all the way out and then rams it right back in, then humps my hole fast a half dozen thrusts, and, gasping for air, asks, "Fuck ya hard like this, you mean?" and I'm seeing stars and whining at the hurt, but my cock moves on it's own leaving a trail of precum on my belly in it's wake. My head's moving back and forth on the pillow as I groan reaching down to stroke my boner only to have Robby grab my fist and, holding onto it, he humps my ass a half dozen more times... it's going smoother now. He emphatically asks again, "Like this?" and I manage to gasp, "Yeah, like that..." which sends Robby into a flurry of hip thrusts, fucking me in a frenzy with sweat dripping off his face making little splashes on my stomach. It's a kaleidoscope of pleasure for me! I'm blowing out bursts of air with grunts of, "Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!" with every ram up my ass of his fat headed, hard-as-wood, boner. I manage to get my eyes open, looking down to see the pee slit of my cock actually quiver, then open wide as cum shoots out of it forcefully, first spraying my stomach, then a long string of juicy white spunk spurts all the way up to my neck, followed by two more good spurts that have me doing a silent scream of joy as Robby pushes my legs down next to me and frantically humps my ass until one last hard thump against my buttocks leaves his cock there as he fills me up with his creamy white teenager's cum; cum thick and sticky, teaming with sperm that's flying on a useless mission to fertilize an absent egg. No squealing from either of us because our climaxes are so overwhelmingly erogenous our brains can't deal with anything else. We're both breathing hard, puffing like we've run a hundred yard dash, sensations running from my cock and my ass to spread all over my body. I stroke my empty cock and suck-in all the oxygen I can get. Robby's still humping my ass, but he's slowing down now, and soon he lays forward on me and we embrace in some sort of desperate manner, both of us covered in sweat which is squishing between our chest to chest contact... our hearts flutter and beat fast against each other's chest.
A minute later I hear, "Is that what you had in mind, Dylan?" Robby asks with a smirk in in voice, and I reply, "Exactly what I had in mind." Robby's face is next to mine as we lay here silent again, collecting ourselves; a couple of minutes later Robby begins another make-out, sweat joining our saliva and spreading around our faces. Before long he reaches down, lines- up his most recent boner, and then, "Ohhh, aghh, oh yeah," from me, as he slides it back up inside me, and we're attached once again. A long slow sexual encounter follows, feeling so good, almost dreamy, it's almost surreal. As Robby's humping me slowly, my legs go around his waist trying to pull his cock further up my ass with each penetration. We kiss, and lick, and suck on each others face or mouth and it's as if we've left planet earth and formed our own part of the galaxy, our own solar system of one hundred percent pleasure. Robby bites my ear when he finally has his second orgasm, and then he fucks me fast in my cum-filled tunnel until I get off too... more stars in my vision of light and dark and this time I do make an embarrassing squeal at the inception of my latest orgasm which causes Robby to cover my mouth with one hand, holding the index finger of his other to his lips, going, "Shhhh, Chubby may have come back by now," which seems an incongruous thing to worry about at this exact moment. It strikes me as funny and I start chuckling which gets Robby chuckling, and we both accelerate that into one of those stupid laughing fits where you just can't stop. I mean, he fucked me like a wild man with the springs of the bed squeaking noisily, and then, when that wasn't enough for him, he fucked me again slowly for about twenty minutes with the subtle regular squeak from the bed signaling only one thing... and now, all of a sudden, he's worried Chubby might hear something? Plus, Chubby's well aware whats going on in here; that's if he's even home right now... so, come on with the "Shhhh"! When one of us runs down on the laughing the other does the finger to the lips thing, going, "Shhhhhhhh," and it gets us laughing again. Eventually we run out of steam, and I'm wondering, 'What the fuck's so funny?' We roll out of bed for another shower together feeling wonderful. In the shower, I ask, "What if one of our dates wants to get fucked tonight and we're like totally out of spunk, how embarrassing is that gonna be?" Robby says, "First off, female Ichabod Cranes do not fuck, so you're good... and fat ladies from the circus haven't been able to locate their vagina for years, so I'm good too. Nothing to worry about," and we joke around about that for a while with Robby not showing the level of bravado he'd been demonstrating earlier, and that's because he's getting more and more uncomfortable about the blind date as it gets closer and closer to happening.
We walk around the bedroom drying ourselves and talking about our blind dates; I don't feel nervous about doing this because I've done it before a few times, but Robby tells me he's never been on a date with a girl in his life... which is news to me. I thought he was just antsy around girls, not that we've ever talked specifically about it before. I ask, "You mean you've never been on any kind of date at all?" He's shaking his head, saying, "Never, and I'd get teased about it by the guys on the baseball team, but everyone knows that, except when I'm playing baseball, I'm shy. I use that as my security blanket; my cover." I ask, "Didn't a girl ever ask you out? I mean, like Sam says, you're fucking gorgeous!" He makes a face and blushes a little, saying, "Look who's talking." I say, "No, seriously... didn't you ever get asked out by a girl?" It's easy to see he's uncomfortable with this topic, so when he says, "Once in a while, but I make lame excuses why I can't go out and, I don't know... I just never went on a date, alright? What's the big deal anyway?" I drop the subject and we throw on some semi-clean clothes, then try to decide what we should wear on our blind dates, for real. I'm like, "Definitely something in the Polo brand, even if it's just a T-shirt." Robby shrugs, and says, "Still too cold for just a T-shirt, how 'bout Merrimack sweatshirts and jeans." I go, "Yeah, and we can rock some Converse... keep it simple." Robby's worried then, "We can't wear the same thing. That was a joke, right?" He's definitely getting more and more squirrelly the closer we get to date time, and I'm having a little fun watching him squirm; usually he's pretty cool in most situations... shy with new acquaintances, but usually not nervous like he seems to be now. I don't want to make it harder on him though, so I say, "You're right. You wear the sweatshirt and I'll wear a T-shirt under an un-tucked, button-down Polo shirt." Robby nods, adding, "Yeah, but don't button the collar; it'll look more casual that way, like ya don't really give a shit what you're wearing." I liked that, but Robby won't loosen-up much more than that, so I ask, in a nice way, "Gee, Robby.. if you're having second thoughts about this blind date thing, I'm kinda wondering why you seem interested when Chubby brought it up?" It's his turn to shrug, "I didn't want to seem like a pansy or anything, and anyway, I thought you'd squash the idea." I go, "Nah, I can't turn Chubby down about anything... he'd never let me down." Robby takes a big breath, shrugging again, biting his bottom lip. Trying to lighten things up, I explain, "I can't turn him down, but what I do is make him nag me a little before giving in to him. It makes it seem like I'm doing a bigger favor, ya know?" I tap my forehead, saying, "Smart, huh?" Robby doesn't get the joke, he's pulling on his hoody, mumbling, "I used to think me and my brother were the tightest brothers ever, but you and Chubby might even be tighter... let's grab a smoke on the balcony."
Outside it's about fifty-five degrees, quite a significant improvement from just a month ago. I take the offered Marlboro from Robby, asking, "Do a lot of the ball players smoke?" He's like, "Hell yeah, a lot of athletes do... it's sort of a way to rebel against all the restrictions put on us by the coaches, and from all our work outs and practices too." I mumble, "You're aware that that makes no fucking sense, right?" He goes, "Oh yeah, I know it's stupid, so what?" It's my turn to shrug, but it's apparent we need to change the mood so I say, "Front loading!" Robby looks up, asking, "We need front loading before our blind dates... abso-fuckin'-lutely" I go, "Dude, we need a lot of it 'cause you're getting more and more gloomy the closer we get to date-time... what you don't realize though, is that blind dates can be a blast! I mean, we don't give a fuck. Straight guys are hoping to score with their blind date, or if not then, soon... and that's the last thing we want, so there's no pressure there on us 'cause we don't give a shit." Robby's smiling a little, mumbling, "I guess... but, hey, what do we talk about with our dates." Flicking my half smoked cigarette against the railing, then kicking it over the side, I say, "Let's get going on the front loading, you'll have an easier time thinking of something to talk about if you're half in the bag. And fer sure, if there was ever a party that needs front loading, it's this one." We saunter on down to the parking lot, Robby asking, "We going to Tracy's?" I go, "He's the only kid I know who keeps booze on hand." It's a short drive to Tracy's condo; I call him before we leave to be sure he's there and he is. He can sell us a case of cold Coors cans, but no hard liquor. I was hoping for vodka 'cause you can disguise that taste. It's pretty much expected college students will do some front loading before a party because you surely don't want to get to the party sober with everyone else high from one banned substance or another... that won't work.
At Tracy's condo we hear Stephen Kellogg and The Sixers blasting in the background as he invites us in for a sociable. The sociable in this case is a beer for each of us from the beer we just bought off him, but I'd never begrudge Tracy a beer. He's the reason booze has been available to us all year, and at 'cost'. I know very well his keg parties are money makers for him, but I don't begrudge him that either because it's a hassle throwing those parties. With our beers in hand we step out on his balcony and crack open the Coors cans, then Robby and I light up another cigarette and eventually the discussion gets around to us explaining the reason for the case of beer. Robby and I proudly exclaim we're going to the House Of Blues party. Tracy can't hide his surprise that we're going to that ritzy private party, he goes, "Dudes, how the fuck did you two boyscouts manage that?" We skirt the issue a little, keeping it vague so Tracy will think Robby and I have a mysterious connection of some sort. Then he asks, "Who ya taking?" and we explain how that's the only bad part: we got stuck with a couple of blind dates. Tracy makes a face taking a swig of beer, and goes, "Broads! Every girl in the world likes to hook guys up with blind dates; it's because they think people are unhappy if they're not in a relationship." Robby and I are nodding our heads like we totally agree, although I've never given it a thought before this. Tracy says, "Christ, if a girl knew an unattached female hunchback-bell-ringer she'd call her friend Quasimodo to see if she can hook him up with her." We're nodding and grinning because Tracy's chuckling like he's just said something funny, and I kinda know the Quaimodo reference is a Japanese guy, but I can't place why that's funny, so I just say, "Fucking broads, huh!" Tracy tells us he tried for tickets to the party without any luck, but he says he and his main squeeze are crashing the party anyway, so we're to look for them. Then he gives us some advise, "Dudes, look for us, but naturally you won't see us until eleven-thirty or so. I always make a late entrance; it indicates to others that I'm a rad person, ya know? It's a statement that I go to parties all the time and therefore this one is no big deal. Ya know what I'm saying?" Robby burps, and says, "Phat!" and I go, "Dude!" We finish our beers with Robby straining to get his down; that boy can't drink worth a damn.
Bumping fists with Tracy, saying goodbye, then I carry the case, minus three cans, to the pickup and dump it in the back. Robby's climbing in the drivers seat, saying, "Call Chubby and see if he wants to join us." I go, "I want him to, but I'm afrain Samantha will tag along." Robby's like, "Oh balls, yeah... but ya gotta offer, don't ya?" I'm like, "Yeah, you're right," and I call Chubby's cell phone. He goes, "Dylan, my man! Where ya been?" I tell him and he goes, "Awesome idea! We'll get the girls over for some front loading, call for a pizza or something and we can all get half smashed before making our grand entrance at The House Of Blues." I'm like, "The girls too?" and he patiently explains, "Yes, the girls too, Dylan... they're an important part of the blind dates you and Robby have tonight, remember?" There's some sarcasm in there for sure; I go, "I guess," and then, repeating what Tracy told Robby and me, "Ya know, we don't want to show up at the party until at least eleven-thirty," and he says, "Are you nuts? Everythings compted at the party so we're getting there early to scoff-up all the freebies." I ask, "What's compted mean?" and he says, "It's free; compliments of the radio station for us VIPS." I go, "Okay, but if we get there too early we'll look like nerds!" Chubby mumbles, "I don't know where you come up with these crazy idea, but are good with the front loading?" I confirm, "Yeah, I guess so, but I'm telling ya we'll be geeks if we get to the party right as the doors open. Man, that's so uncool!" Chubby's talking to somebody when I said all that, then he goes, "What's that?" and realizing I'm beating a dead horse with this stupid point about going late, I mumble, "Oh nothing, I'll see you later at the apartment." Chubby, as usual, is in a good mood, he says, "Great! Good on you for thinking about the front loading... and, hey, we'll all get acquainted this way too... you know, the blind date girls and the rest of us. The beer will ease the way, but can you kinda manage Robby's intake... he can't hold his booze." I look over at Robby, and say to Chubby, "Uh huh," and we click off. I go, "Everyone is coming to the apartment," Robby yells, "Oh shit! They're coming now, and he glances at the dashboard clock, adding, "It's not even six o'clock! We're not dressed, the apartment's a shit hole." I'm thinking, "This is gonna suck!"
Back at the apartment, we decide that since we had showers earlier we'd just re-do underarm deodorant and wash our face and hands, then get dressed for our dates. Wearing a white T-shirt under a blue Polo button-down, I feel a little too dressed-up, but fuck it! Cracking a second beer, I ask Robby, "You feel like neatening up the apartment a little?" he looks around, and says, "Not really.
Should we brush our teeth?" I laugh a little before realizing he's serious. "Nah, we're drinking beer and smoking... it's a lost cause. Ya can only hope your date drinks and smokes and therefore won't notice your horrific breath." Robby frowns, then says, "I'm holding off on my second beer until they get here, so I'll be brushing." "Go for it, dude," is all I have to say to that. Almost an hour later I'm out on the balcony when I see Chubby pull up in our Jeep. He gets out with Samantha, and one other girl. Hmmm, wonder where the other one is? Two minutes later Chubby's bursting in through the front door of our apartment, totally extroverted and full of personality. It's funny, from my spot on the deck I can see the front door opening the same time I can see Robby walking down the hall towards the living room and as soon as Chubby comes in with Samantha and her friend, Robby does an about-face right back into our bedroom. Heh heh, the poor kid's really nervous now; his blind date is here. I come through the sliding glass door, saying, "Bro, where ya been?" and we do the one arm hug and chest bump, as I unenthusiastically add, "Yo, Sam... whassup?" She rolls her eyes at the girl she's with, like... "See what I need to put up with?" then says to me, "Dylan, meet my friend, Christina Novella. Christina, this is Dylan Newman, Jeffrey's roommate." Chubby hugs around my neck, saying to Christina, "He's not only my roommate and my best friend, he's my brother too." She has a look on her face, like, "Can I believe this shit?" and I say, "Nice to meet ya, Christine." She makes a face with a negative nod of her head, then says, "It's Christina... three syllables, Cris-tin-a." Appalled at her rude attitude, I stumble on that, and go, "Christinee?" and she waves a hand at me in a dismissive manner, saying, "Ah, okay, never mind." I'm thinking, What the fuck?" as Sam asks, "Well, where's this case of beer Jeffrey's been talking about?" Getting us all a beer from the refrigerator I'm sneaking looks at Christina, wondering if this is my date or Robby's. He can have her I guess, although for a girl she's cute. Cute with small tits and a hot ass, not that I care about that particularly... and, her hairdo is almost as short as a guys. She's wearing skinny jeans, a sleazy tank top with a lot of flat belly showing, and Converse sneakers almost identical to mine. When I hand her a beer the overhead light shines off her light, peach-fuzz mustache and I notice she's wearing very little, if any, make-up. She's rockin' that girl/boy thing... what's that called, androgynous? Anyway, Robby makes an appearance now.
He's like, "Oh! I didn't know you all were out here." What a crock that is, but I high-five Robby, noticing his sweaty palms, saying, "Yeah, it's a surprise party for your birthday!" Sam says, "Which birthday would that be, his twelfth?" and Chubby goes, "Now why in the fuck would you say that, Sam?" She yells, "Jeffrey! Watch your mouth!" and Christina says to Robby, "How the fuck are ya, I'm Christina... are you able to say that name?" Robby's looking at her like she just landed from Neptune. He slowly says, "Christina," and she says, "It's you and me tonight, stud... what's your name?" Robby's glancing over to me in a questioning way, so I say to Christina, "He's Robby Dickers, our other roommate and another awesomely close friend!" Robby corrects me, muttering, "It's Rob Dickers, actually," as Christina takes his arm, "Well, Rob, it's you and me rockin' the night away 'cause I like a guy who can say my name correctly." Robby repeats, in a robot-like voice, "Christina," and although I know he wasn't trying to be funny, everyone laughs, thinking he did that for a joke. I asks, "Where's my blind date?"
Ignoring my question, Chubby punches Robby's arm, repeating, "Christina" the way Robby just said it and everyone chuckles again, except Robby, who looks confused. Then he repeats my question, "Where's Dylan's blind date?" He asked the question in a way I interpret as, "If I need to have one, he better have one too!" but I'm sure I'm the only one who picked up on that. Chubby says, "She's having some plumbing problems, she'll be along shortly." Samantha is furious, "Jeffrey! That's crude and rude!" then to Robby, "Rose will be along shortly. Her stomach's a little upset, that's all." Chubby says, "Like I said, plumbing problems, heh heh," and Sam goes, "You're terrible," but she leans into him with her arm goes around his waist. A few minutes later we've all crowded out on the balcony making small talk while us boys are smoking; everyone's drinking beers. Christina's sticking close to Sam waving her hand at the cigarette smoke, making a face. Chubby says, "You girls don't need to be out here, especially if the smoke's bothering you." Christina mutters, "Fuck the smoke," and Samantha snaps her head around giving Christina a nasty look. "Why the potty mouth, Christina? Jeffrey's a bad influence on you." Christina laughs, and says, "Samantha, who the fuck are you kidding, you're language would embarrass a sailor," and in a prissy way, Sam goes, "Only when I'm with the girls..." and they banter back and forth as I strain my eyes looking at a heavy-set girl down in the parking lot working hard at peddling an old-fashion, one speed, boy's-style, twenty-six inch bicycle... the old-fashioned kind of bicycle with fat tires and a fenders over the front and back tire. The snow's all melted by now, but there are puddles of dirty water on the parking lot that this hefty girl is splashing through. I'd laugh except it's so weird. As she gets closer I see a lot of leg... the girl's wearing a very short skirt and a small tight top that looks like a bra... and, oh my god, she's got high heels on. Riding a bike with high stiletto heels on her feet! My first impression is, "How slutty can ya get?" but then maybe she's mentally challenged or something. What a bizarre sight, and she's headed right for us. I'm about to point her out to the guys when Christina shouts out, "Jesus Christ! What's Rose doing on that old fuckin' bike?" Everyone turns and looks, as I'm thinking, "You gotta be shitting me! That's not my blind date, is it?" Samantha says, "I left her the keys to my car so why's she riding the janitor's bike over here?" Then she laughs, and I glance at Chubby, who's eyes are as big as mine. He's looking back at me spreading his hands shaking his head a little, like... "I don't know anything about this!" I'm giving him a hard look as I see his lips quivering, then he burst out laughing, joining the girls who are chuckling, saying, "That goddamn Rose is a riot," and Christina goes, "Ya just never fucking know what you're gonna get with Rose." Robby moves over to Christina asking, "Is that Dylan's blind date?" She doesn't answer the rhetorical question, but instead says, "Ya know what, you're fucking cute!" Robby says, "Thanks, you too..." What a crock! Now he's okay with potty mouth being his date. He's cementing that deal by eliminating any chance he'll wind-up with the bicycle beauty.
I'm biting my lip, then I blurt out a laugh too. "Ah, the hell with it!" I go inside and get myself another beer as I hear Samantha screaming, "Rose! Rose! Up here honey. I'll send Jeffrey down to fetch ya..." I'm shaking my head thinking, "Just when ya think things can't get any worse..." Chubby passes me heading down to fetch Rose, saying, "I had no fucking idea, Dylan. I never met these girls." I give him a pissed-off expression, and he stops then, to say, "She looks healthy enough though... ya know, maybe she can give you a ride on the handle bars... just saying." I have to laugh, then I give him a double-barrel finger salute, and he mumbles, "You just can't do enough for some guys... I hook him up with an interesting blind date, and all I hear...." The rest is lost on me as the door closes and he hurries downstairs to guide Rose up here. Lord have mercy! I go out on the balcony again and see that Rose is right underneath us now; this close I can officially declare, "Major bowser!" At least fifty pounds overweight with an extreme overbite... a three out of ten, being generous. Christina says to me, "You're gonna have so much fun with Rose," she sees me roll my eyes a little, and adds, "Yeah, she's a few pounds overweight, but you're a few pounds underweight, so it evens out. Hey, she's intelligent and one of the best dancers you'll ever dance with." I smile, saying, "Oh, I'm sure... no problem, it's all good." She says, "You'll see..." Looking back over the balcony now and all I see is the bike on it's kick-stand. Then a minute later Chubby appears at the front door with Rose and, oh my God, she's got a big safety pin through her belly button, and to make matters even worse there's a lot of belly showing... a lot of belly and a lot of ass. Christina asks, "Rose, what's with the bike, honey?" and Rose, in a sing-song voice, as she's handing Samantha a small purse, says, "You took my purse by accident, it's got my cell phone and the car keys in it, so I stole this bike and rode around looking for this address." Christina's so sorry... blah, blah, blah... then, "Oh, here's your date for the night, Rose," Christina looks over at me, and says, "Get over here Dylan!" which I do, my eyes wide... fuck, I'm scared now. "Rose Garner, meet Dylan..." then to me, "I forget your last name." I shake Rose's surprisingly small hand, mumbling, "It's Newman, Dylan Newman." Rose moves fast, getting me in a big hug, saying, "Shit, I might kidnap you!" I go, "Heh heh, nice to meet ya." Now I'm noticing that she also has a fine hoop through the outside of both nostrils, and, God forbid, when she turns around to grab a can of beer I see a ridiculously ugly antler tattoo on her fat, lower back... ass antlers. This is definitely a cringe-worthy moment for me and I glance up to see Chubby watching me with this look of amusement on his face. I slide up to him, muttering, "Oh yeah, this is way horrifyingly hilarious alright! You bastard, you knew! Didn't you?" He's laughing out loud now, letting it all out; then he manages to say, "I swear to God I had no idea! Really, bro!" and from behind, Sam's asking, "What's so funny, Jeffrey?" I depart before hearing his lie.
In the kitchen Rose, Robby, and Christina are huddled together. Rose says to me, "Get over here, blind date, you're all mine tonight." In the kitchen's bright overhead light I notice her hair is an impossible shade of red. And while I'm having that thought, Robby says to me, "They think we dye our hair the same color." I'm looking at Rose's hair, going, "Whaaaat? You think there's a dye this perfect, a two-tone blond dye like this?" as I'm pointing to my head. Christina asks me, "Do you cut your own hair?" and I remember the trim Robby gave me earlier today and blush as Robby interjects, "What's all this talk about hair, anyway?" and we drift into the living room to rejoin Chubby and Sam, who are involved in a make-out as we walk in. Christina asks, real pushy like, "Okay, what's our plan for the night?" Chubby says, "We're front loading here and then we're going to the party... simple." Rose says, "When are we eating?" which has Chubby and me exchanging glances, and then trying to cover-up our blurted out laughs with fake coughs... of all of us, Rose needs food the least. Samantha, knowing what we're laughing about gives Chubby the evil eye, then she says, "We can order pizza," and Rose says, "I'm a vegan so it's gotta be a pizza with non-dairy cheese." I'm thinking, "Is there any way this girl can be a bigger pain in the ass?" Leaving that problem to others, I go out on the balcony, mumbling something about a smoke as I leave, but I really just want to get some fresh air; girls are exhausting. Robby follows me out and after we've lit our cigarettes, he blows smoke out, saying, "The blind dates aren't as bad as I expected." I look over at him quickly, a scowl on my face, and see him holding back his laughter. I go, "You and Chubby are having a good time with this, aren't you?" He says, "You could have grabbed Christina for yourself, you were out here first, but you're speech impediment disqualified you... it's Chris-tin-a... I go, "Are they a couple of assholes, or what?" He says, "Perfect friends for Samantha, don't ya think?" I go, "Sam only knew Rose until today, but yeah... those two are perfect together." Robby says, "I think Christina might be a dyke," and we talked about that possibility until Chubby sticks his head out to say, "Will you two blind dates please get your asses in here and do your job." Robby and I, at the same time, say, "Fuck no!" and we laugh as Chubby joins us outside. We smoke, drink, talk, and laugh at everything... in other words, have fun until Sam opens the sliding glass door, and says, "Jeffrey, get in here!" Chubby goes, "Yes, mama... I'm coming." She pinches him, and mutters, "You'll be coming for real later on, pretty boy," then to us, she says, "The pizza's here," then turns her back on us, the bitch. Robby says, "What the fuck is non-dairy cheese?" As we go inside, I say, "We're about to find out."
The pizza sucks... I'm sorry, but that's the honest truth. The vegan cheese, made from god-only-knows-what, hadn't melted on the pizza like regular cheese.
Most of us sprinkle on a lot of Parmesan cheese, which isn't ideal but it partially masks the offensive vegan cheese. Sam, with a mouthful of the vegan pizza says, "Isn't it admirable of Rose to eat a vegan diet?" and Christina says, "Yes, I'm a vegetarian but I've been thinking of converting. Leading a vegan life is a life change, and not to be taken lightly." To break the girl's balls, Chubby says, "Expired eggs: I've heard you can eat eggs beyond their expiration date. Do any of you have experience with this?" and of course he says it all with a straight face. Samantha looks disgusted, and says, "Vegans don't eat eggs, and why would you want to eat one past it's expiration date anyway?" Chubby looks properly chastised for a second, then asks, "What the fuck do vegans eat, anyway?" Sam gives him a hard look for using the F-bomb, but her friend, hefty Rose, takes the question seriously and bores the shit out of everyone stating a long list of things vegans can eat, many of which I don't want to eat. I'm on my forth beer when my vegan date takes the weirdness up a notch. She says, "Ya know, not to get all philosophical on you, but reading and politics are really only for the bourgeoisie while the proletariat more or less busy themselves with trying to live an equal existence... you'd be surprised at the number of people who don't see this, or recognize it for what it is.
People are so stupid!" Chubby, Robby, and me are crossing our eyes, making faces, as Sam gets all excited, "See how brilliant she is? I learn so much from Rose, it was a blast growing up with an intellectual, let me tell ya." Then she spots us guys goofing on Rose's absurd dissertation. "Goddammit! That's what I'm talking about! Jeffrey gets with these two nitwits and he regresses back to their infantile level of behavior. Don't show your ignorance boys, listen to Rose and try to learn." Chubby says, "Bull shit, she's talking in circles about something nobody here knows or cares about." Then to cover up the insult he quickly adds, "Rosie, are vegans allowed to eat Butterfinger candy bars?" She's trying to keep up with his changing topics, then says, "Butterfingers! Certainly not! There's a chocolate coating involved with that candy bar, right?" Chubby nods his head as if Rose just cleared it all up for him. Samantha's not fooled by Chubby's misdirection as she shakes her finger at him, saying, "You're going to get it, Jeffrey," but she's half laughing when she says it, and then pokes him in the side. The conversation only goes downhill from there.
I try to escape to the balcony again but my blind date, Rose, follows me and leans into me, asking, "Are you gonna try to get in my pants tonight?" and it occurs to me that she's been drinking beer steadily, so I ask, "Hey, aren't yeast living things? Yeast is part of beer, right?" She says, "You're the best looking boy I've ever even talked to, and your roommate Ronny is hot too." I say, "What about the yeast thing?" and she goes, "Technically I shouldn't drink this because Coors isn't on the approved vegan list, but there are beers that are... mostly German beers. Anyway, vegetables are alive too, but we eat them.
We're human beings who need food so we compromise a little, here's the general rule: anything with fin or legs we won't eat, but other than that we will." She does sound a little smart, but her appearance is disturbing, not that I'm so shallow I couldn't be interested in someone just because of their appearance... well, maybe I'm a little bit shallow in that regard, but it doesn't count here because she's a girl; she could be Miss America and I wouldn't be interested. As I blow smoke over the railing Rose goes into a long lecture about the evils of smoking... she's not a horrible person, but I just wish so badly that she were somewhere else. To say something, I go, "Just wondering, but do short skirts and high heels normally go together." She laughs, and says, "You're too innocent to know this, but that's kind of an insulting question." I mumble, "Sorry, I just wondered," and she adds, "Sweetie-pie, the shorter the skirt, the higher the heel." I go, "Heh, heh... oh, I see," but that's my last attempt at conversation. Not Rose though, she's very chatty and shortly I'm getting a headache from listening to her sing-song way of talking, and from terminal boredom, but I don't want to hurt her feelings so I try for some eye contact while concentrating on not yawning, which will usually bring on a yawn about as quick as anything you can name so, to block a yawn I fake a big sneezing fit which even sounds phony to me. She picks-up on it, and says, "I'm trying here, pretty boy, but it's a struggle. Are you interested in science, by any chance?" I want to fucking scream, "NO!" but instead I say, "Very much, but lets get inside 'cause I gotta take a whizz." She makes a face, and says, "Samantha's right about you," which I ignore.
Inside, I go into our bedroom's bathroom and lock the door, loving the quiet.
After a bit I take a piss, then wash up and brush my teeth. Combing my short hair doesn't take much time, then I smile thinking about the "do you cut your own hair?" comment, and how fast Robby changed the subject. That gets a chuckle out of me, but I'm all out of things to do in a bathroom so I reluctantly leave my sanctuary and rejoin the group. Chubby says, "Ah, good... here's Dylan now." Then to me, he says, "We're leaving for The House of Blues, I'll take Sam in the Jeep and you and Robby double in the pickup... okay?" I shrug, then whisper to Chubby, "Jeffrey, is it okay if I come with you instead? I'm afraid of these blind date girls." He laughs, and says, "No, it's not okay. See you at the club! This will be fun..." Turning around I see Rose looking in the mirror in the family room putting on more make-up. She's already got enough on to last a couple of weeks, but I say nothing. Christina's been pleasant enough, playful with Robby... like a sister's playful with her cute little brother.
Damn! I had a chance for that, but instead I get Samantha's lifetime friend, who wants me to get in her pants. This should be a hot time tonight... not!!! Maybe some hot guy will rescue me at The House Of Blues..........
to be continued....
Donny Mumford thinat20@yahoo.com