Finding Love After Incredible Loss Chapter 51
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NOTE – When the babies "talk" it is AJ/Scott interpreting what they are saying, they are not quite old enough to have conversations, but parents typically know what they want/need.
Finding love after incredible loss – Chapter 51
Scott – "All four kids have been screaming in the car for the last 30 minutes and I'm on my last nerve."
AJ made the mistake of chuckling.
Scott – "Don't even laugh at me. Why is your ass not home? We are supposed to be a team and you just jumped to the Rover and headed out leaving me hanging with all the kids."
AJ – "I'm sorry I should not have laughed at my big strong amazing husband."
Scott – "Cut the crap, where are you?"
AJ – "I'm picking up two cribs, two additional infant car seats and all the things we need for Harper and Sydney. I will be home in an hour will you be ok or do we need to call in the calvary so the big, sexy man doesn't meltdown?"
Scott – "Fuck you. You are a DICK. I'll see you when you get here." Before AJ could say anything else, Scott hung up on him.
AJ texted him – `Ok the bloom is off the rose. . I love you to the moon and back.'
Scott had removed Harper from the middle row and was reaching in for Sydney when his phone buzzed. He read AJ's message – `why can't I stay mad at that shit?' so he replied – `always and forever.' Scott got Sydney out and next to Harper. He crawled into the far back seat and unbuckled Conor who was mad and started to bolt. Scott grabbed him and fumbled to get Caleb out as well, who was equally annoyed with Scott. He finally had the boys corralled or so he thought – as soon as their feet hit the ground, they were off in different directions. Scott was able to grab Conor, but Caleb ran out of reach. He caught him just before he hit the road. Scared out of his wits, he swatted his diaper butt which elicited tears. Scott was not happy so he hauled the boys to the front door – he didn't have the garage door opener. Stuffed them quickly in the half bath hoping they would not be able to get out and ran back for the girls by the time he got back to the house the boys had escaped and pushed the front door shut, effectively locking Scott out.
Scott called AJ – "Where the fuck is the hide-a-key?"
AJ – "It's on the backside of the garage on the gutter downspout. Are you ok?"
Scott – "No." Click.
AJ was now annoyed but was on a mission and had everything they needed and was in line to pay. He finished his shopping and loaded it into the Rover. He drove as fast as he could to the house. When he pulled into the driveway, he knew things were out of control. The Suburban was in the driveway with two doors open and yelling could be heard from the house. He opened the garage door and ventured inside with the bottles, formula and diapers for the girls.
AJ dropped the items in the kitchen and headed to the media room where all the screaming was coming from. Conor and Caleb were screaming at Scott, the girls were crying and Scott had his hands over his ears, head down and eyes screwed shut. AJ thought – `what the hell happened here.' When the boys saw their Daddy, all screaming stopped. AJ pointed at the couch and the boys climbed up and sat still. AJ approached Scott and when he got close, he heard him repeating over and over again – "what did we do, what did we do, what did we do..." AJ wrapped his arms around Scott and pulled him to him.
Scott sat bolt upright – "I need a moment."
AJ – "Go take a hot shower and I'll get things sorted."
Scott – "Oh sure..." he stomped off.
AJ looked at the boys and shook his head giving them the most disappointed look he could muster. They started to get off the couch and come to their Daddy and he just shook his head and they stayed put. AJ felt the girl's diapers, they were both wet and it appeared Harper was poopy. He grabbed the diapers and wet wipes from the kitchen and returned to the girls. He changed Harper and placed her on the floor to play with her hands. He changed Sydney and placed her next to her sister.
Now it was time to deal with Conor and Caleb. "Boys I'm really disappointed. You were behaving horribly for Papa. I was going to let you watch a movie while I made sghetti but I think you need to sit there and look at books instead. Don't even start, Papa is frazzled and you didn't help. Go get two books and sit at your table and read. The boys slipped off the couch and grabbed books and sat at their table.
AJ went back to the kitchen and put all the stuff he brought in away. He then went to the Suburban and unloaded it, taking the keys from the seat and locking the doors. He then started unloading the Rover. On each trip, he checked on the kids and things were fine. After he unloaded the Rover, he pulled it in the last bay of the garage. Then moved the suburban into the bay closest to the door. He closed up the garage and went into the house and started dinner. He continued checking on the kids and they were doing fine. He made a sghetti bake which was in the oven to baking. AJ warmed up two bottles and headed into the family room.
He set the girls up in bouncy chairs and propped the bottles up. He put talked to Conor and Caleb again about being better helpers for Papa. They could tell that their Daddy was not happy so they called out `sawwy'. AJ put on Finding Nemo and told the boys dinner would be done shortly. He asked them to stay with the girls as he needed to talk to Papa.
AJ made his way up to his room and found Scott sitting on the edge of the bed still in a bit of panic mode. AJ sat next to him and took Scott's hand into his and kissed it. Scott froze, turned to AJ and launched into a tirade – "What the hell were you thinking? You left me hanging with all four kids. Caleb almost ran into the street and then the little shits locked me out of the house. Why would you do that to me? I can't believe you just took off and didn't help me. I suck as a parent. I have never been alone in a car with Caleb and Conor. They don't listen to me; they snap to when you are here. What were we thinking taking the girls, God what a fucked-up mess! You left me." Tears began flowing down his gorgeous face. AJ didn't know whether to empathize or slap him. So, he sought a middle ground.
AJ – "Scott are you done feeling sorry for yourself?"
Scott – "How dare you. You fucking left me."
AJ – "Scott I did no such thing. I loaded the girls in the Suburban with their dad and let him take all four of our kids home in his VERY capable hands. You panicked and I sort of understand, you are right to a point. You have not been a dad as long as I have but you let all the things you learned go out the window. Let's see how close I can get to what happened.
I know the kids were screaming in the car shortly after you left the airport because you called me. My guess is you just drove home ignoring the situation and let the kids get more agitated and did not stop to see if anything was wrong. Then when you did get home they were all frustrated and still upset.
You took Harper and Sydney out of their seat attachments and set them on the driveway, then jumped in and started taking the boys out of their seats. I do hope you took Conor out first as he is usually less likely to be a pill. They either yelled or hit you for leaving them in the back with two screaming babies forever (in their minds). You grabbed them both and started getting out of the car, instead of taking the time to calm them down and make sure they were ready to behave.
You probably set Conor on the ground thinking he would stay put and he started to bolt. You grabbed him thinking he was Caleb and the real Caleb took off. You grabbed Conor and ran for Caleb and caught him before the end of the driveway. Remember the gate closes behind you so there was no way he could get to the road. You took them straight to the house and opened the door and put them inside. Hold it, you didn't shut them in the guest bath, did you? Oh, you did <AJ kissed Scott's forehead> baby that's how they locked you out.
You found the hide-a-key after you called me and got into the house. You probably yelled at the boys, which they deserved but that escalated the tears and tantrums. I arrived 15 minutes after you called me so you were in the family room with 4 screaming kids for 15 minutes where you self-soothed by rocking. Which is where I found you.
How did I do?"
Scott – "Fuck you."
AJ – "Nailed it. Babe dinner is ready so come down and let's eat with the kids."
Scott just stared at AJ as he got up and headed downstairs. Scott was pissed thinking to himself – `what the fuck. How the hell did he know that's what happened. This is a freaking train wreck; we can't handle 4 kids and he's talking about 1 or two more. Shit, fuck.' Scott picked up his phone and called his Dad.
Scott – "Dad, I think it's time to give AJ his life back."
JR – "What the hell are you talking about?"
Scott – "I suck as a Dad." Scott relayed the story to JR from the point where AJ ran away and left him alone to where he was right now sitting on the bed thinking he was going to give AJ custody of all 4 kids and move out.
JR was trying really hard not to laugh his ass off. When Scott was done with the tale, he could no longer hold it in; he laughed so hard he was crying.
Scott – "You are just as big of a dick as AJ is."
JR calmed down – "Son, you have had kids for what 5 months. AJ has been a dad for their entire life and he is not wound as tight as you are. He doesn't let the little shit bother him and he doesn't analyze the shit out of every little thing. You on the other hand are thrown off when someone forgets a comma in a sentence. Stop, listen to me, I let you get it all out so let me finish. The two of you balance each other out. AJ is the big picture you are the details. You are just like Sydney from all accounts; you both dot your I's and cross your T's. AJ assumes that people are smart enough to understand an I without a dot in like is still like.
As far as walking out, you do it and I'll hunt your ass down and put you six feet under myself. You had a bad day, get the fuck over it. Get your balls out of your purse, go downstairs and let the boys know you are not happy with their behavior, let them know it can't happen again and have dinner with your man for fuck's sake."
Scott – "I'm being an idiot, aren't I?" JR – "A BIG ONE."
Scott – "Thanks, Dad."
Scott made his way downstairs to the kitchen. When he walked in, the girls were asleep in the bouncy chairs in the corner next to the table. The boys were in their highchairs hanging off the table and AJ was talking to them as they ate. When AJ saw Scott walk in, he said to the boys – "what do you two have to say?"
They both looked at Scott – "Sawwy Papa. Wuv you." Scott started crying and hugged the boys. He choked out – "I'm not happy with your behavior but we all can do better next time."
As Scott talked to the boys, AJ got up and served up two bowls of Spaghetti Bake and garlic bread. He brought it to the table and kissed Scott on the cheek. As AJ turned to move to his chair, Scott grabbed him around the waist and pulled him to his chest. "I'm so sorry. I was an ass to you and you did absolutely nothing wrong. I was alone with the kids for less time than you were after my meltdown and you have not lost your freaking mind. I'm sorry also for thinking about leaving you with the kids and letting you raise them."
AJ was caught off guard by the last part – "Scooter, as far as being an ass – you certainly were but I also know you have only been a dad for a minute. I have been for a bit longer. I don't sweat the small stuff but you chew on it as Syd used to and I know that about you. I get it and roll with it. Now the second part of that apology we need to talk about later as I'm sorta freaking out about that revelation."
Scott – "Babe, I'm sorry I said that but it ran through my brain that the 5 of you would be better off without me. I'm such a disaster and y'all deserve better."
AJ – "Stop, we would not be better without you period end of discussion. We will talk after the kids are in bed."
AJ and Scott sat down and ate. They talked about the party the next night, watched the kids make a mess with the sghetti and mostly enjoyed the evening. AJ made the executive decision to put the girls in dresser drawers for the night and get the cribs put together tomorrow when they were not as tired. They needed to talk about the bombshell Scott dropped.
Kids were bathed and in bed. AJ was showered and in bed waiting for Scott to finish in the bathroom. He yelled into Scott – "Babe, you can't keep avoiding me so I think your teeth and face are beautiful enough."
Scott took a deep breath and headed for the executioner, he knew he deserved it and was ready for the guillotine. AJ shook his head as his husband walked into the bedroom looking like someone had stolen his puppy. "Daddy, come on over here to your sugar baby." That didn't even warrant a half-smile, wow he was a whooped dog.
AJ was pissed now – "Enough, get your ass over here now. If I have to get out of this bed you are cut off from sex for at least 24 hours." That elicited a small chuckle from Scott, who jumped into bed and put his head in AJ's lap. AJ started playing with Scott's hair, he loved it when AJ ran his fingers through his hair and twirled it around his finger. It made him feel safe and loved.
AJ started – "Are you going to leave me?"
Scott had prepared to have AJ yell, rant and rave but the simple question and his love holding back his tears made him crumble into a crying heap. He had hurt the one person in the world he never wanted to cause heartache or misery. He immediately was back in the hospital watching this pillar of masculinity crumble as he said goodbye to his love. Scott sprung up in bed and pulled AJ to his chest.
Scott – "Fuck, I truly screwed the pooch. I was feeling sorry for myself. You make being a dad seem so effortless and I'm left alone for 90 minutes and I fold like a house of cards. Then I compound that shit show by thinking y'all would be better off without me. What a callous, selfish asshole I am."
AJ – "I told you when we got back together, I was in this forever and you said you were too. This is the first test and you thought of leaving me, I don't know what to do with that. When you said that downstairs, I was back in the hospital telling Syd goodbye and letting her know I would protect those boys with everything I had. My heart was shattered but I knew I had to move forward. It has never been easy – every time I look at those boys I think – how do I adequately keep her alive for them and I realize I'm not alone in this, I have my sheepdog to calm my Taz. Then I learn my sheepdog is thinking of bolting when it gets hard. Where does that leave us?"
Scot was used to AJ being the positive uplifting half of the dueling Batmen and it looked like he had crushed it with his insecurity around their kids. AJ made being a dad look easy, he was always smiling no matter how chaotic things got, he never seemed to be flustered and he always put the safety and well-being of those kiddos first and foremost. For fuck's sake he had the girls in bouncy chairs on the floor not the counter or table for safety reasons – he was pretty sure he would have had them on the counter so he could see them better. UGGHHH how could he be so stupid?
Scott – "Aaron, I'm sure I am going to get this wrong but I need you to let me try and get this out. If you have questions/doubts at the end then ask. Will you do that for me?" AJ simply nodded as his imagination went wild when Scott called him Aaron. "Ok let's see if I can do this without putting my head further up my ass."
"Going back to the day we found out about the girls, you found me in what you referred to as a bit of shock. I was actually trying to figure out how to tell CPS that her family could have the girls. Let me finish. You see me as this sheepdog protector but most of the time I feel like a scared rabbit. You have a Tasmanian Devil on your abdomen representing you, which is only partially true. I see you as this Alpha wolf – you are fiercely protective of the pack, you demand loyalty and give it back 10-fold, you will stop at nothing to keep your pack safe, happy and healthy. Yes, you are fun-loving, an absolute tornado of energy and blow through situations leaving people unsure of what happened and you seem to be 10 steps ahead of the mere mortals around you.
That day you didn't ask if I wanted the girls, you assumed I did and supported that thought 1000 percent. You turned your world upside down because I tried to reconcile with Maureen. You said you would listen. I was at the starting gate and you were already marrying our girls off to would-be suitors, you saw the future as it should be, I was still shitting myself with `what the fuck and I suck as a dad already why make it worse'. You have no idea how much strength I draw from you when it comes to being a dad – I feel like a fraud most of the time and without you, I fold like a cheap card table.
I'm insecure, neurotic, idiotic, unsure, ridiculous, hopeless, insane, kind, loving, hopelessly in love, whipped, gaga, tethered, in awe, committed, catching up, undeserving, insanely happy, hard, turned on, head over heels, hopelessly gone, totally in lust, 100% sure you are my forever love. I will continue to screw up, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, make love with you, take care of you, let you love me, take care of me, tell you the truth no matter how much it hurts, figure this life of ours out together.
All I ask is you love me, help me and talk to me and I promise I will continue to screw up but my heart is YOURS until YOU choose to let it go. I think I'm done and I pray to God that I made it clear I love you to the moon and back."