Copyright and Disclaimer: 1. This is a fictional story with fictional characters. 2. No one is to steal this story under any circumstances. 3. This story deals with relationships and not sex, so if you're looking for a story with a lot of sex in it, this isn't the story for you.
I know this first chapter is long overdue, I've been very busy lately, but hope that you all enjoy this. I will be posting these chapters a little differently from my other stories. Since this is a shorter story with only about five chapters, I will be spreading the chapters out a bit. Since I've been so busy lately, it's the only way I can post this story so I hope you understand. I really appreciate all of you who have followed my past stories and I hope you enjoy this one as well!
Here's my new story, Goodbye Love,' and here's part one titled, I Love Him Because He's...I don't know.'
`I LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE'S...I DON'T KNOW'
EDDIE
"What time does he go on?" Holly, my older sister asks me as her and I sit in the small gay bar listening to a four piece indie rock band perform. We're at the gay bar, Lyrics, which lets local performers in the Los Angeles area perform.
I should introduce myself to you; my name is Eddie Gilmore. I'm twenty-six years old. I'm not the hottest guy in the world, but I guess I have my charm. There are some things I wish to change about myself, I wish my stomach was more toned, I wish my arms were a bit more defined, but overall I'm happy with the way I look. I have a good job, I work as a counselor at a local Gay and Lesbian Center. I love it there, it may not be the best paying job, but it's been the most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. Overall, I think my life is pretty good. I have a boyfriend who I've been dating since college and things with him have never been better than ever lately. He's actually the reason why I'm at Lyrics tonight. My boyfriend, River, is singing. He doesn't make a living with his singing, but it's definitely a passion of his. What I love about his singing is that he picks old songs and modernizes them and added to the
sound of his guitar makes them sound so original and beautiful. He hasn't told me which song he was going to sing tonight, but I'm sure it will be great. Singing has been a Godsend for River. He had some troubles with alcohol in the past, but since he started playing guitar and singing a couple years ago it's helped him to stay sober. He fell off the wagon once in the last year, but he went to rehab and got clean and has been sober for almost thirteen months now.
After the indie band finished playing I tapped Holly on the hand. "He's next!"
"Is this his first time performing here?" Holly asks as she takes a sip of her mojito.
"No, he plays here at least once a month," I reply. "He loves it." Before I can continue, the bar manager comes up to the podium.
"All right ladies, gentlemen, and those who are uncertain," the manager jokes getting the laugh of the bar. "Up next we have a regular performer here with us this evening. Give it up for River Dozier!" That's when he came up from behind the stage. I still find myself smitten whenever I see him. He's so handsome. I sometimes wonder what he sees in me in the first place. I'll be completely honest, among the two of us, River is definitely the better looking one. He's tall, dark hair, green eyes (he has the most amazing eyes), and he has a smile that warms up an entire room. Tonight in particular he looks great, he's wearing a black sweater that I bought him for Christmas last year and a pair of distressed jeans with black boots on. His hair is floppy with a slight curl in it to give it a nice wavy appearance. I love this man.
"Hey everyone," River smiles as he waves to the room. "Thanks for having me back." Everyone in the bar clapped and cheered for him. I get so much pride whenever I hear people clapping for him like this. "This song I'm going to sing is from an old 1927 musical that many of you probably have never heard of. I first heard this song in college when I was taking a music appreciation course. I stripped it down and reworked it so that it would sound good with an acoustic guitar. This song is dedicated to someone really special who's in the room. He doesn't like a lot of attention drawn to him so I won't call him out. He always thinks of himself as being very plain and ordinary, but I see someone really special." River found me sitting in the middle of the bar watching him and he smiled proudly at me. I smiled back, touched by what he said. "Anyway, here's the song, hope you like it. It's called `Bill.'"
I know this song. I've heard River sing it many times since I met him. It's from the musical, `Show Boat.' He always talks about his appreciation for old musicals such as this one.
River slowly strums his guitar giving the song an unplugged, modern sound. River begins singing;
"Along came Bill Who's not the type at all. You'd meet him on the street And never notice him. His form and face. His manly grace. He's not the kind that you'd Find in a statue. Oh I can't explain, It's surely not his brain That makes me thrill. I love him Because he's wonderful. Because he's just my Bill. I used to dream That I would discover The perfect lover, someday. I knew I'd recognize him if ever He came `round my way. I always used to fancy then He'd be one of the God-like kind of men With a giant brain and a noble head Like the heroes bold In the books I've read. But along came Bill An ordinary guy. He hasn't got a thing that I can brag about. And yet to be Upon his knee So comfy and roomy Seems natural to me. Oh I can't explain It's surely not his brain That makes me thrill. I love him Because he's... I don't know Because he's just my Bill."
After River finished singing, he continued to play his guitar for a few more bars until he gently stopped and bowed his head down, closing his eyes. He really felt his music, he let it run through him and become an extension of him.
Everyone in the bar clapped loudly and cheered for him after he finished. Holly and I stood up and clapped and cheered loudly for him. He did an amazing job. I'm so proud. He took a small bow and excused himself from the stage.
"He did really good," Holly says to me impressed.
"He did," I smile proudly.
"I have to admit that I was a bit nervous when I heard he was playing here tonight," Holly mentions.
"Why?" I give her a confused look.
Holly looks around the bar as if she's stating the obvious, "Well, he's a recovering alcoholic and he's playing in a bar. Isn't the temptation too much?"
"It's never been a problem before," I answer. "He's really strong now. He knows when to say `no' and he told me yesterday that he isn't even interested in drinking anymore."
"Wow. Really?" Holly is clearly surprised to hear that. I'll admit, I was a bit surprised myself when he told me that.
"Yeah." I nod my head. "He says that he realizes what a waste it was for him to have gotten so far gone into drinking."
"He's really taking his recovery seriously this time, huh?" Holly asks.
"He is," I assure her. I can tell she wants to talk about it more, but she sees River approaching us and she changes the subject. "Hey River! You did great!"
"Thank you," River smiles. He then looks to me with true concern in his eyes, "Did you like it?"
"I loved it." I smile and give him a big kiss. "I love you."
"I love you too," River replies. It was one of those perfect moments. I wish that it can last forever. It's been a long time since I've been as happy as I am in this moment. When River was going through his drinking problems, it was really taxing on me. There were nights when he would come home drunk and I had to take him into the bathroom and gag him until he threw up. Or he would pass out and I stayed up the whole night to make sure he didn't throw up in his sleep and risk choking on his vomit. I'm so glad those days are behind us.
"How was work today?" I ask as we sit down at the table. In case you were confused, River doesn't sing for a living, he's an accountant and specializes in insurance audits. He is mostly involved with insurance losses related to business interruption, inventory, fidelity and third party claims...at least, that's what I think he is mostly involved in. I'll be honest, I don't know much about his job. He tried explaining it to me, but it just went over my head.
"Tiring," River replies. "I have to go back to the office tonight and finish up some stuff. We just got this new client and they require a lot of attention. So I'll be busy for the next couple months."
"Promise you'll at least come home early on our anniversary," I beg.
"Eddie, that's not for another few weeks," River replies.
"That's why I'm reminding you now," I tell him. "So you make sure to come home and be with me."
"Okay. I promise," River leans in and seals his promise with a kiss.
A few weeks pass and it's the day of our anniversary. River assured me before he left for work that he would be home early. He wasn't kidding when he told me that he'd be busy with work. He has had many late nights at the office. A few days ago he didn't come home until two in the morning! It's really been weighing on him. He's been very tired and stressed lately. I told him to try and relax and not work too hard, but he says that he doesn't have much of a choice. "Believe me babe, if I had a choice I would spend all my time with you instead of at the office," he repeatedly told me over the past few weeks. Since it's our anniversary and it's the first night he'll get off early since he performed at Lyrics, I decided to make a really nice dinner for him.
I'm at the market right now picking up the things I need for dinner tonight. I picked up a couple steaks, some garlic, romaine and lettuce for a salad and some potatoes to make mashed potatoes (River's favorite). To add a non-alcoholic beverage to the anniversary dinner, I picked up a bottle of sparkling cider.
On my way to the car, I walk by this little gallery that I stop by from time-to-time, this time however, I spot some paintings inside that catch my attention. They are abstract paintings, some of them are bright and vibrant, others are dark and sad in their tone. Even though I'm carrying a couple bag of groceries I can't help but go in and take a peak. River and I are art collectors so maybe I'll find something to give him for an anniversary gift. What I like about this gallery is that the artist featured are usually just starting out in their careers so the prices are pretty reasonable.
As I walk into the gallery I am really impressed with all the artwork by the artist featured. Even though they're abstract, you can understand the mood and feeling he is trying to convey in each piece. Some make you smile and feel good, others make you sad and somber. It's amazing how art can do that.
"Hi," a casually dressed man says approaching me as I'm looking at one piece titled, `Hope.' "What do you think of the work here?"
"I think it's amazing," I reply honestly. "It's so moving. Especially this piece." I gesture to `Hope,' "The title of this piece is perfect, from the colors used and the way the artist combined different shapes and lines, you really understand the piece. With the lines intersecting in the center with that white spot of blank canvas left in the middle reminds me of a light at the end of the tunnel. The hope that the artist was working towards in this painting."
"You're pretty good," the man says, "You an artist?"
"Me? No. I'm not that creative," I reply. "I appreciate art though and I took some art classes in college. Do you know who the artist is?"
"Yeah," he nods. "That would be me!"
I open my eyes wide as my face gets red. I am SO lucky that I didn't say anything bad about his work. "Wow. That took me by surprise."
"Sorry," he says, "I just like to get an honest opinion about my work before I introduce myself. My name's Dell Madison."
"Hi," I shake his hand, "I'm Eddie."
"Just Eddie? No last name? Are you like Cher or Shakira?" Dell smirks.
"Gilmore," I smile. "My name's Eddie Gilmore."
"Pleasure to meet you Eddie Gilmore," Dell says. "So what brings you here today?"
"I actually was at the grocery store next door picking up some things," I lift up the two bags of groceries as proof. "Your stuff just caught my eye as I was walking by. I actually was thinking that one of these might be a nice gift for my boyfriend."
"Oh well then you should look at this piece," Dell says as he guides me to a painting of what looks like two hands holding on to one another. "This is my most romantic piece."
"It's beautiful," I am in awe as I look at the painting. The red and orange colors blended together gives it a romantic feeling with hints of purple mixed in.
"I actually did this when I was with my old boyfriend last year," Dell explains. "So my feelings and emotions were definitely mixed in when I did this one."
"I can tell," I nod my head approvingly. "It's great."
"If you'd like, I can negotiate a good deal," Dell says.
"Oh yeah? How much?"
"Free," Dell smiles.
I try to read his face and see if he's joking, "You're not serious. Are you?"
"Completely," Dell says taking the painting down from the wall. "Take it."
"No, you need to sell your work," I shake my head. "How are you going to make a living as an artist if you give your stuff away to strangers."
"You're not a stranger anymore," Dell says. "You're my good friend Eddie Gilmore who is looking to get a gift for his boyfriend. I insist. Just take my card and keep me in mind if you ever want anymore of my work." Dell hands me the painting as well as his business card.
"I can't accept this," I tell him. "It's too generous of a gift."
"Please take it," Dell insists. "This painting was meant to be for people in love. I want you and your boyfriend to have it."
"Doesn't it hold special meaning for you though?" I ask. "Do you really want to get rid of it?"
"Yes," Dell nods looking at the painting. "To me when I see this painting, I see a relationship that went on for much longer than it should have. For you, it can symbolize a good future with you and your boyfriend."
I smile and shake his hand again, "Thank you Dell. This is a wonderful gift."
"You're welcome," Dell smiles. "Hope your boyfriend likes it."
"He'll love it," I assure him. "Thank you again."
"Have a good one," Dell smiles. "Hope to see you around sometime."
"You too," I wave as I leave the gallery with my new painting. I can't wait to give it to River. I know he'll love it.
Later that night around 6:30, I finish up making dinner. River should be home any minute now.
7:00 PM
Still no River, he should be home soon though. He promised. He'll come walking through the door any minute.
7:15 PM
Any minute...
7:30 PM
He told me he'd be home by 6:30, right? I picked up my cell phone and tried calling him, but just got his voicemail.
"Hey. It's me. Just wondering where you are. Call me." I hang up the phone and go back to waiting.
8:14 PM
It's weird how slow time goes by when you stare at the clock...and are waiting for someone!
I flip on the TV we have in the kitchen and watch an episode of `Law & Order.' It seems like that show is always on TV.
9:05 PM
Dinner's cold. I'm tired. I'm not waiting any longer. I clear the table off and then head to take a long hot shower.
10:00 PM
After I got done getting ready for bed, I debate on going to sleep, but I know that I won't get any sleep until I know River is home. I go into the living room and get comfortable on the sofa as I wait. I begin to read a book.
1:20 AM
My eyes open up as I heard the sound of keys at the front door. I look at the clock. I must have fallen asleep. I can hear the key going into the lock at the door. Looks like River is finally home. After a couple moments the jingling of the keys stopped and I heard a thump on the door.
"River?" I call out.
"I can't open the door!" I hear River call out to me.
"Does your key not work?" I ask as I make my way to the door.
"It won't go in the key hole!" He hollers back loudly.
"Don't yell," I say as I unlock the door. "You'll disturb the neigh-" I stop talking when I see River lying on the floor. His face is flushed red and his eyes are bloodshot. My heart begins to race. I was hoping I'd never have to experience this again. "Are you drunk?"
"No!" River yells. "Help me up!" I grab his arm and help him to his feet and he stumbles inside.
"What the hell happened?!" I ask pissed.
"Get off my back! I had a rough day at work," River replies. "I'm starving. What's for dinner?"
"Dinner was seven hours ago," I reply. "And you missed it."
"Sorry," River sighs as he stumbles onto the floor. "Ouch!"
"River, tonight was important. Do you remember?" I ask.
He doesn't answer.
"River?" I ask. I look down at him and see that he's passed out. I shake my head. I can't believe this is happening again. I go over and shake him, trying to wake him up. "River, get up. You need to take a cold shower." River just mumbles, not opening his eyes. "River get up." I propped River up and helped him make his way to the bathroom where I took his clothes off and got the shower running. It's a routine I have perfected over the years.
After I get him in the shower and wash him I dry him off and get him to eat some crackers and bread to soak up the alcohol in his stomach and have him drink lots of water. Once he's in bed and asleep I take a seat in the chair we have next to the bed and stay up to make sure he doesn't throw-up in his sleep. It happened one time when he got really drunk a few years ago and he nearly choked, so to be on the safe side I stay up whenever he gets like this to make sure it doesn't happen again. Another sleepless night...here we go again. As I watch over him, I feel all the hopes and happiness in me leave my body. Everything I had wanted for us seems like a lost cause. This has happened so many times before... I don't think he'll ever really change.
The next day, River wakes up at eight in the morning and looks over at the clock.
"Shit! I'm going to be late for work," he says as he gets out of bed.
"I'm going to get going," I say as I finish getting ready for work.
"I barely remember what happened last night," River says as he goes into the bathroom to wash up.
"You got drunk," I tell him.
River comes out of the bathroom and gives me an apologetic gaze, "I'm sorry babe. I just got really stressed at work and-"
"It doesn't matter," I shrug. "I'm going to work."
"Wait," River says grabbing my arm. "Eddie, I'm really sorry. It won't happen again."
I want to believe him. I really want to believe him, but something in the back of my head told me not to.
Turns out I was right not to believe him. Two days later he got drunk again and the day after that and the day after that. A week later and he is still drinking.
It's a Monday morning and I had another sleepless night staying up and making sure River was okay as he passed out on our bed. I'm exhausted. As I get into my office at the center, my work phone rings.
"Gay and Lesbian Center, this is Eddie," I answer the phone.
"Hey it's me," I hear the comforting sound of my best friend, Jonathan, say.
"Hey Jon, what's up?" I ask as I get situated at my desk and begin to read e-mails.
"I leave for my trip tomorrow and was hoping to see you before I left," Jonathan replies. "You free for lunch?"
"Sounds good," I answer. "How does twelve o'clock at Reggie's Deli sound?"
"Perfect," Jonathan replies. "See you there."
After I hang up the phone, I get a soft knock on my door. "Come in!"
The door opens and a young teenage girl comes in. She can't be more than seventeen years-old. She's dressed in a tight pair of jeans and a baggy sweater. Her hair is long and most of it is covering her face.
"Do you taking walk-in counseling sessions?" She asks quietly.
"Of course," I smile. "Come on in and sit down." I gesture to the chair opposite my desk. "Can I get you some water or anything?"
"No," she shakes her head. "I'm fine."
"So what's going on?" I ask gently. She looks down at her hands and twiddles her thumbs. There's a sadness in her face. "Looks like you're upset about something. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't really know why I'm here," she says. "I walk by here everyday and always wanted to come in, but never did."
"So what made you come in today?" I ask curiously.
"Some stuff happened last night," she answers.
"Okay," I nod. I can tell she's going to need some time to get comfortable enough to talk to me. "Can I ask what your name is?"
"It's Hannah," she answers.
"That's a beautiful name," I smile at her. "My name's Eddie."
"Nice to meet you," Hannah says quietly, she briefly looks up to give me a small smile. She grows quiet again.
"Take your time," I tell her. "There's no rush. Just tell me whatever you want."
"It's about my girlfriend," Hannah sighs.
"Oh okay," I nod my head. "What's your girlfriend's name?"
"Nicole," she answers. "Her name's Nicole. Her and I have some problems."
"What sort of problems?" I adjust myself in my chair and give her my full attention.
"Well..." Hannah hesitantly answers. "Sometimes she hits me."
"That's awful," I sigh shaking my head sadly. "I'm so sorry. How long has this been going on?"
"About a year," she answers.
"So this happened last night?" I ask.
"Yeah," Hannah replies. She looks up for me and this is when I notice that she has a bruise under her right eye. I didn't notice it before because of her hair covering it.
"So what happened last night?" I ask.
"She was really upset because I got home from work late," Hannah says. "She thought I was out with some girl, but I wasn't. We got into a big fight and then she hit me."
"Does this happen often?" I ask.
"It hasn't happened in over a month," Hannah explains. "Things have been really good between us lately and I thought those days were behind us."
"That's horrible," I sigh. "What happens after she hits you?"
"Usually she apologizes, but last night she just went to bed," Hannah says, tears are starting to well up in her eyes. "I don't know what to do."
"What is it you've thought about doing?" I ask. Part of me wants to tell Hannah to get out of the relationship, but that's not my place as a counselor, I'm simply here to lesson and offer my support.
"I've thought about moving out or breaking-up with her," Hannah says. "But I can't."
"Why not?" I ask.
"She's all I have," Hannah replies. "My family doesn't talk to me, all my friends live in Oregon and I have no money. If I left her, I'd have no place to go."
"Well, let's talk this out together," I tell her. "We'll think of something that will be best for you."
"Do you know what it's like to be trapped?" Hannah asks me directly.
I stay quiet, not sure how to answer that question...
12:05 PM When I get to the restaurant, I only have to quickly glance the corner of the room to find Jonathan. He's always easy to spot with his tall, lanky body and his black curly hair always messy. He beams a bright smile at me when he sees me heading towards him. I love Jonathan. He's my support system. I would be nothing without him. People often find it odd that him and I are best friends considering he's straight and I'm gay, but it's never been an issue for us. Our sexuality isn't what defines us, we find it weird that people find our relationship weird. In college, he got hassled a couple times by his fraternity brothers about being friends with a gay guy, but he would always tell them to fuck off. He always would point out to them that if they were secure with their sexuality then they wouldn't have any problems being friends with gay guys.
I greet him with a hug. "Hey bro," Jonathan says in his signature Southern California laid back voice.
"Hope you weren't waiting long," I say as sit down at the table with him.
Jonathan shakes his head, "I just got here a couple minutes before you."
"So are you all packed up?" I ask, regarding the trip to Europe he's taking.
Jonathan nods his head. "Yeah, I'm all set."
"How long are you going to be there?"
"Twenty days," Jonathan answers. "So I'll hopefully see all the parts of Europe I want."
"That sounds amazing." I take a deep breath and briefly think about how great it would be to take a trip to Europe.
"Eddie, it's not too late. You can buy a plane ticket and come with me," Jonathan points out. I shake my head, wishing that I could. "It was always something you and I were going to do together, remember? We said in high school that we'd go backpacking through Europe before we turned thirty."
"I know," I nod. "But I can't."
"Because of River?" Jonathan asks annoyed. "Eddie, he's a big boy. He can take care of himself for twenty days."
"He fell off the wagon last week," I reveal embarrassingly.
"Again?" Jonathan asks shaking his head. Jonathan has never been a big fan of River's. I can't say I blame him. River hasn't done much for Jonathan to think very highly of him.
"He's just going through a rough time right now," I try to excuse his behavior. "His job is really stressful now and added to the economy, it's just a hard time for him." I then quickly go back to talking about Europe. "Besides, you'll have a better time in Europe without me tagging along. You'll probably get a lot of girls throwing themselves at you."
"But this is something we were supposed to do together," Jonathan points out again. This time it hits a nerve with me. It is something we were supposed to do. We always promised ourselves that we would do as much traveling as we could while we're young.
"I know, but-" I begin, but suddenly I begin to tear up. I quickly rub the palm of my hands against my eyes to stop the tears from streaming down my face. I suddenly got filled up with anger, sadness and regret about so many things. "How did this happen?"
"How did what happen?" Jonathan asks concerned. He hands me a napkin so I can dry my eyes.
"How did things turn out this way?" I ask drying my eyes. "How did I turn out this way? This wasn't how things were supposed to happen. I'm supposed to be enjoying my life right now. I'm supposed to be going to Europe with you."
"You know why you're so unhappy?" Jonathan asks. "Because you're in a bad relationship."
"It's not a bad relationship," I say trying to defend River. "He's a good guy. He has a good heart."
"Eddie, it's an abusive relationship," Jonathan says shaking his head.
I quickly deny it, "It's not an abusive relationship. He's never hit me. He's never verbally abused me. He just has problems with alcohol and I have to take care of him."
"He has you trapped," Jonathan interjects. "Whether he did it intentionally or not, he has you trapped. You are stuck in a relationship where you have to constantly take care of him. He may not be hitting you, but it IS an abusive relationship."
"He's a good guy when he's sober," I state. I cringe having to say `when he's sober' because I know that I shouldn't have to say that if it were a healthy relationship. But I can't bring myself to say I'm in a bad relationship out loud.
"I'll admit, when he's sober he's fine. He's nice even," Jonathan says. "But he has problems and you can't fix them."
"I can't just leave him," I say. "It's River, you know? He's the guy who helped me pass my political science class in college. He's the guy who took me to Ruth's Chris on our first date because he remembered I mentioned how much I like that restaurant when we first met. He's the guy who waited three hours to get concert tickets for the Goo Goo Dolls because he knows they're my favorite band."
"He's the guy who is destroying himself and you because of his problems with drinking," Jonathan says.
"I can't leave him," I sigh. "He needs me."
"You're so good at helping other people," Jonathan says to me. "You counsel others who are in bad situations. Why is that when it comes to you that you won't help yourself?"
"I'm a fucking hypocrite," I shake my head angry with myself. "I know that. But it is the first time he's fallen off the wagon in over a year. Once things calm down at work he'll stop."
"You said that when he got drunk last year, remember?" Jonathan points out. "Look, I'm not trying to piss you off. I'm saying this because you're my best friend. You need to get out of this."
"But if I don't take care of him, then who will?" I ask. "He needs me."
"So you'll stay with him and give up being happy in order to take care of him?" Jonathan asks.
"I'm used to it," I shrug my shoulders. "It's true what they say, life doesn't always turn out the way we expect it to."
JONATHAN
I look over at Eddie across the table from me and I can see it in his eyes that he's defeated. He's given up on that `happily ever after' he wanted for so long and he thought he'd get from River. Seeing him like this makes me so angry. I want to kick River's ass for beating him down like this. Eddie used to be so much stronger, so much more confident, so much happier. River has slowly taken all those things way from him over the years. I can't let my best friend be dragged down any further.
After lunch, Eddie and I walk outside the deli and walk towards my car.
"Do you want a ride?" I ask.
Eddie shakes his head, "It's only a couple blocks away. I'll walk. I can use the fresh air."
"Okay, well I should get going. There's something I need to do before I finish packing up," I say giving Eddie a hug. "See you in twenty days."
"Have an amazing time," Eddie says giving me a hug. "Take lots of pictures."
"If you change your mind I'll be in Italy for the first few days," I tell him. "You have enough vacation days saved up."
"Thanks again, but I can't," Eddie sighs.
"Just thought I'd give it another try," I shrug. "Are you going to be okay?"
"I'll survive," Eddie nods his head. "I always do."
"Of course you will," I say. "I'll call you when I get over there."
"You don't have to check up on me," Eddie assures me. "Just have a good time."
"I will," I nod. "I'll see you."
"Bye," Eddie waves as he walks away.
I watch Eddie walk away and see his shoulders slump forward, even the way he walks lacks the confidence he once had. I get in my car and drive away fueled with anger. There's someone I need to talk to and I need to do it before I leave.
Ten minutes later I arrive at River's office. Fortunately, Eddie's taken me to a party at River's office once before so I know where it is. River needs to know what he's doing to Eddie. He needs to know that he's destroying a great guy.
As I head up in the elevator to his office, I begin to rehearse in my head what it is I want to say to him.
"Hi! Welcome to Healy and Associates," the receptionist says as I walk out of the elevator. "Do you have a meeting set up?"
"No. I came to talk to someone I know," I say walking past her desk before she can stop me. I go up to his office door and enter without knocking.
"Uh...hi," River says looking up in alarm. "Jonathan? What are you doing at my office?"
"Sorry to just stop by unannounced, but I felt it was important," I say sitting down in a chair across from his desk.
"What is it?" River asks. "Something wrong with Eddie?"
"Yeah, there is something wrong with him." I reply. "You."
River raises his eyebrows, obviously shocked by my blunt response, "Excuse me?"
"Eddie told me about the your guys' anniversary night," I tell him shaking my head disapprovingly.
"Not that I have to explain myself to you, but that night was an accident," River says. I can tell that he's getting angry. "I didn't mean to drink so much."
"Of course you didn't," I roll my eyes. "You never mean to. The point is, you weren't supposed to be drinking anyway. You're supposed to be sober."
"Jonathan, you're Eddie's best friend so I don't mean any offense, but what I do is none of your business," River says.
"You're right," I nod, "And frankly, I don't care about what you do, but when it begins to hurt my best friend then it is my business."
"Eddie is fine," River snaps.
"Sure," I shrug. "He may seem fine. He may even tell you that everything is `okay,' but I've known him since he was ten years old and I know that he's not fine."
"Did he say something to you?" River asks.
I shake my head. "He didn't have to. I can just tell."
River scoffs, trying to brush off what I say, or simply think that I'm being overly protective of Eddie. "And how can you tell?"
"He has no fight left in him," I say. "He has no spirit left in him. He's resigned himself to staying with you because he has to take care of you."
"That's not true," River shakes his head. "If he really feels this way then he would say something. He would tell me he's unhappy and that we need to fix our relationship."
"He's done fighting," I tell him. "Every time he's tried to fight with you or help you, nothing changes. He's made you go to rehab twice already and countless AA meetings and none of that helped. He sees that there isn't a point in fighting anymore and he sees that there's no chance of your relationship ever changing for the better."
"So why are you here? Why are you telling me this?" River tried to read my face, wondering what my motives are for being here.
"I'm not going to try and tell you to change, because I know that won't happen," I look him in the eyes as I tell him this. I want to make sure he understands what I'm saying. "What I'm saying is that he won't do anything, he's willing to stay with you and take care of you when you come home drunk and stay up all night to make sure you don't choke on your vomit. He's willing to do that because that's who he is, he's the nicest guy in the world and someone that great doesn't deserve that life, so if you want him to be happy then you need to let him go."
"I love him," River tells me.
"I know you do," I nod my head. I do believe him. I know that he does care about Eddie and loves him, even if he doesn't show it the right way. "I just hope you love him enough. Make sure that he has a chance to be happy."
RIVER
I sat at my desk not able to say anything as Jonathan sinks that harsh reality onto me. Is Eddie really that unhappy being with me? I know I slipped up a few times this past week, but I can control it. I can stop drinking at any time. Jonathan makes it sound like I'm trapping Eddie, but I'm not. Him and I love each other.
"Look, I have to get going," Jonathan says. "Just do the right thing."
"He's happy with me," I interject. "I know he is."
"I know you think that," Jonathan replies. "But if you really stop and look at him, you'll see that he's lost that spark he once had." With that, Jonathan leaves my office.
Jonathan's always hated me. I think he's always seen me as the guy who took his best friend away from him or something. So for him to say these things to me is just his bias. Of course he'll say that to me, he doesn't like me. It doesn't make it true. Eddie loves me and is happy with me. We've been together for too long for it to end over my one slip up this past week. I can turn it around. Eddie loves me. Jonathan doesn't know what he's talking about. He can't judge my relationship with Eddie from the outside. He doesn't know...he can't possibly know...Eddie's happy...he has to be.
My thoughts get interrupted by my assistant, Denise, who comes into my office. "Mr. Takahashi's secretary is on the phone to confirm your seven o'clock dinner meeting this evening."
"Tonight?" I ask, my mind is still distracted by what Jonathan said to me earlier.
"Yes. I made reservations at Blue Velvet," Denise reminds me. "Remember?"
It's an important meeting, but I can't concentrate knowing that things are potentially weird right now between Eddie and me. "Reschedule. I can't do it tonight. In fact, I have to leave now."
"What?" Denise asks looking at her watch. "It's only one thirty."
"I know, but I have stuff I need to take care of," I say collecting my things. "I'll be back early tomorrow." I quickly get up and rush out of the office.
That night, at around six in the evening, Eddie comes home. When he sees me in the kitchen he gets a surprised expression before saying, "What are you doing here? I thought you'd be working late."
"I took the afternoon off and made dinner for you," I smile gesturing to the pork chops, vegetables and rice I prepared for him.
Eddie looks at me with a bit of confusion, "Why did you do this?"
"I wanted to," I say giving him a hug. "And I wanted to apologize for this past week. I'm sorry I drank, but I'm done with it. I swear."
"It doesn't matter," Eddie shrugs. "You're free to do what you want to do."
"No," I shake my head. He doesn't understand what I'm trying to say, "I'm really done this time. No more drinking for me. I mean it."
Eddie doesn't say anything, he just gives me a little smile. This isn't the reaction I was hoping for. When I told him in the past that I was giving up drinking he ran into my arms and was so happy. Why is he acting like this? "You believe me, right?"
"Sure," Eddie says unconvincingly. He then adds gently, "Whatever you say." He sits down at the table and puts his napkin on his lap. "Let's eat."
I scrunch my eyebrows together confused by his reaction. I put a pork chop on his plate and hand him the bowl of rice. He doesn't make eye contact with me. He keeps his eyes on his plate. As I look in his face, my heart drops when I see that Jonathan is right. I've never noticed it before, but everything Jonathan said earlier today is true. Eddie has given up. I can see it in his face that he's defeated. His shoulders are slouched. His entire demeanor has changed. Why did I not recognize this?
"Eddie, I-" I begin to say before his cell phone starts ringing.
"One second," Eddie says answering his phone. "Hello?"
EDDIE
"Is this Eddie?" a quivering female voice asks me.
"Yes," I reply.
"This is Hannah," she answers. "You told me I could call you if something happened."
"Of course," I tell her. "What's wrong? You sound upset?"
"We got into another fight tonight and she hit me," Hannah says.
"Nicole?" I ask to make sure.
"Yes," Hannah replies. "So I packed a bag of things and left."
"Okay," I say trying to take everything in. "Where are you now?"
"I'm just walking around downtown," Hannah replies. "I'm scared."
"Hannah, what you did was very brave," I tell her. "It took a lot of courage to leave and I'm really proud of you. Do you remember what we talked about earlier today?"
"The shelter?" Hannah asks. "I don't know if I want to go there."
"Hannah, it's not a bad place," I assure her. "It's really nice. You can get a hot meal, shower, there's access to computers and we even have support groups there."
"I don't know Eddie," Hannah says. "I'm nervous."
"It'll be okay," I tell her. "Go to the address I wrote down for you and stay there, okay? I'll come and check on you in the morning."
"Thanks Eddie," Hannah sighs. "I just feel so lost right now."
"You'll be fine," I tell her. "I'm really proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to leave a bad relationship, some people can't do it." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I hate that I'm one of those people who doesn't have the courage to leave a bad relationship. "Do you remember where the shelter is?"
"Yes," Hannah answers. "I'll go there now."
"Good," I tell her. "Try to get some rest and I'll come see you in the morning."
"Okay. Thanks Eddie. Sorry to bother you," Hannah says.
"You're not bothering me," I assure her. "Thank you for calling. I'll see you tomorrow." After Hannah says goodbye and thanks me again, I hang up the phone and take a deep breath as I absorb what just happened.
"Who was that?" River asks, getting my attention.
"A girl who came into the center today and needed some help," I reply.
"You gave her your cell phone number?" River looks at my quizzically.
"Yeah, she was in a tough situation. She needed help and I was all she had," I answer.
"You shouldn't just give out your number," River judgmentally points out to me.
"I care about these kids who come into the center," I defend. "Many of them come in because they have no other options. If I'm all they have then I'm going to offer all my support. If that means giving them my cell phone so they can call me after work then that's what I'm going to do."
"Okay! Sorry!" River raises his hands in surrender. "My bad."
"Let's just finish eating," I suggest. And that's just what we do. Silently we finish dinner.
RIVER
After dinner, Eddie goes to take a shower while I clean up the kitchen. While I'm putting the dishes in the dishwasher, I think back to that look on his face when he got home, that look of defeat. I lost him. It's something that I don't want to admit, but I lost him.
I go into the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed waiting for him to come out of the bathroom. As I sit there, I look at the pictures of him and I that are on the bedside table and shake my head. How could I have let this happen? In this moment it suddenly becomes clear to me, Jonathan is right. I've hurt him too much. I have to let him go. I know what I have to do now. I grab my keys and head out, there's something I need to get.
I come back twenty minutes later and find Eddie sitting in bed reading.
"Did you have a nice shower?" I ask to break the ice.
"Yeah," he nods. "Where were you?"
"I had to get something," I reply holding up a brown paper bag that the clerk at the liquor store put my bottle of vodka in.
"Your declaration of sobriety you made at dinner didn't last too long, huh?" Eddie shakes his head in disappointment.
"I needed it," I say smugly, hoping for this to play out the way I rehearsed it in my head on my way to the liquor store.
"Whatever," Eddie sighs and turns his attention back to his book. "Do what you have to do."
This isn't the way I wanted him to respond. "Aren't you going to ask me why I needed it?"
"Is it something I need to know?" Eddie asks, I can see in his eyes that he doesn't really care. That look kills me, but I have to follow through with this for him. I take a big drink from the bottle in my hand to keep my courage up.
"This isn't working for me anymore," I blurt out.
"What are you talking about?" Eddie asks confused.
"I thought I could be happy, but the truth is, I started drinking again because I just don't like being in this relationship anymore," I spit out harshly. I hate talking to him like this, but I have to. I have to get him to leave me.
EDDIE
Those words hit me hard when I hear River say them. He wants to break-up?
"Wait a second..." I try to collect my thoughts. "You're breaking up with me?"
"Yes," River nods. "I haven't been happy for a while."
"Then what was with the dinner tonight?" I ask confused. "Why did you promise that you wouldn't drink anymore?"
"I wanted to see if there was anything left between us," River answers. He paused before continuing. "I wanted to see if a romantic dinner would bring back any of the feelings I used to have. It didn't."
I stare blankly at the wall in front of me, not sure how to react. River wants to break-up with me. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. I look at him and questionably ask, "So what happens now?"
"You stay here," River says. "I'll stay at a hotel tonight and then move out this week."
"What's the rush?" I ask. Five minutes ago River was acting as if he wanted to turn things around, suddenly he's breaking-up with me and moving out. It's all happening so quickly.
"I just don't want to prolong this any more than necessary," River stiffly answers. He then heads to his closet and pulls out a suitcase.
"I'm going to go for a walk." I get up from the bed and grab my jacket, cell phone and keys and head out to clear my head.
RIVER
It's taking all my energy to keep from breaking down until he leaves. Once I hear him close the front door I break down and fall to the floor miserably. I did it, I broke-up with the love of my life. He's gone.
I look at the bottle of vodka in my hand. The bottle is the enemy, I know that, but that the same time it's the only thing I have right now that can numb the pain I'm feeling.
"Fuck you," I say to the bottle before taking a sip from it.
EDDIE
When I get outside in the fresh air, it all begins to hit me. My relationship with River is suddenly over and all these emotions are building up inside of me. Part of me is sad, part of me is relieved. It's strange, I never knew one could feel a mix of those emotions before. But I guess those are the only two emotions possible for me to feel. Being with him for so long it's only natural for me to be sad. It's as if a part of me is dying. He's been my boyfriend for so long he's become a part of me, whether it was for better or worse, I still don't know. The relief I feel is obvious isn't it? As much as I love and care about River, I know it wasn't a healthy relationship. All the nights of taking care of him when he was drunk and trying to get him to sober up wasn't healthy for either one of us. But now who will take care of him when he drinks? Who will make sure he doesn't choke on his vomit? I can't let him leave, who
knows what will happen with out me?
Through all this, all my thoughts go back to when I first met him...
FLASHBACK
It was my sophomore year in college. I hated the first two years of college because all I was taking was general education courses. It wouldn't be until my junior and senior year that I began to take classes for my major that actually interested me.
It was the first week of the fall semester and I was sitting down at a desk in the middle of the classroom. It's where I always enjoyed sitting because it wasn't too far in the front of the class where the professor normally calls on students to answer questions, but it wasn't near the annoying slackers who always sat in the back of the class so they could talk.
As I got situated at my desk and took my notebook and pen out of my backpack, my cell phone began to ring.
I see Jonathan's name on the caller-ID before I answer. "Hey, I can't talk. I'm just sitting down in class now. Shouldn't you be in class too?"
"My professor just handed out the syllabus and took roll and then let us out," Jonathan explained. "I love the first week of the semester. It's so easy."
"Yeah, I'm hoping this Poli Sci teacher does the same," I answered. "Why'd you call?"
"I forgot what time we were meeting your sister for dinner," Jonathan replied.
"Seven o'clock at Ruth's Chris," I answered.
"Great. I'll meet you at your place at 6:30, okay?" Jonathan asked me.
"Sounds good. Bye," I said before hanging up and putting my phone back in my pocket. I looked up at the clock and saw that class should start in about five minutes.
"You're going to Ruth's Chris, huh?" the guy sitting next to me asked. It ended up being River, but at that point he was just a stranger who eavesdropped on my phone call.
"Uh...yeah," I answered with a quick, polite smile before opening up my notebook and pretending to be busy so I wouldn't have to talk to him anymore. I'll be honest, I was one of those guys who hated talking to people in class because chances were that I wasn't going to see them again once the semester was over, so why bother putting forth the effort to talking to them? Well...I'll be honest, the real reason why I never talked to people was because I was on the shy side.
River didn't give up talking to me though. He extended his hand to me, "My name's River."
"Eddie," I answered shaking his hand and then went back to staring at my notebook.
"So Ruth's Chris, huh?" River asked. "I like that place."
"It's my favorite," I answered quickly. I remember thinking, `Does he not get the hint?'
"You know what place is amazing?" River asked. "Have you eaten at Nobu?"
"Once," I said without even bothering to look up at him.
River then changed the subjects, "So this class will probably be boring as hell, huh?"
"Probably," I answered, the once again went silent.
"You're not much for talking, huh?" River asked after a few seconds.
"To be completely honest," I began as I looked up to meet his face for the first time, "I-" I cut myself off when I saw how cute he was. I mean, he was REALLY cute. I remember wondering why he was even talking to me. I consider myself attractive, but I'm not the type of person who will win `hottie of the year' or anything. River definitely would be a contender for that title. After a brief couple moments I realized that I still needed to answer his question. I quickly changed my answer, "I'm just tired. First week of the semester and all."
"Tell me about it," River said. "Last week at this time of the morning I was just winding down from a night out. I hate when summer ends."
"Same," I smiled, trying my best to look attractive to him.
"So what's your major?" River asked.
"Sociology major and psychology minor," I replied. "You?"
"Accounting," River answered. He then joked, "Exciting, right?"
"Incredibly," I laughed. "Why did you choose accounting?"
"I was always pretty good at math," River shrugged. "I wanted to be a music major, but I felt I should have a more practical major."
"I see," I nodded.
River then changed the subject back to the class we were in at the moment, "So you nervous about this class? I went on Ratemyprofessor.com and found out that this professor is really tough."
"Dammit," I sighed. "I hate when professors are really strict on G.E. classes. Don't they know that the majority of the students don't want to be in them? They just want to get a passing grade so they can move on to the more interesting stuff."
"I completely agree," River gave me a killer smile. "Maybe you and I can help each other out with this class."
"In what way?" I asked. I remember getting nervous, wondering if he was just being nice so he could ditch most of the classes and then ask to copy my notes the day before an exam.
"Well, we can get together and study together before exams," River said. "If you're up for it. If not then it's cool."
"No," I said a little too quickly. "That sounds like a good idea."
Before him and I could talk anymore our professor came in. I can't remember his name so we'll just call him Professor Higgins.
"Good morning class," Professor Higgins said as he set his briefcase down on the floor next to his podium. "Now, I know most of you are expecting the syllabus and then being able to leave, right? Well, guess what? That's not how this class works. Lecture begins today so take out a pen and some paper." He had the most boring monotone voice in the world. "Pay attention because I go through the lecture quickly and I don't repeat myself. If you missed something then you have to get it from another student in the class or e-mail my T.A. So let's get started..."
River and I both looked at one another and rolled our eyes. Little did I know then that River would end up being such a big part of my life.
END FLASHBACK
Now River isn't a part of my life anymore.
Not knowing what else to do, I call my sister.
"What's up?" Holly answers the phone.
I took a deep breath before saying it out loud, "River and I broke-up."
To Be Continued...
With any comments, questions or feedback, please e-mail me at ilj4ever44@yahoo.com. Thanks so much and hope you enjoyed the first installment of this new story!
If you'd like to read my other stories, here they are:
`Dating and the Single Life'- /nifty/gay/relationships/dating-and-the-single-life/
`Phases'- /nifty/gay/adult-friends/phases/
`Luke'- /nifty/gay/adult-friends/luke/