I don't know N'Sync, nor do I know that much about them, so excuse me if I make any mistakes or imply anything about them which isn't true. This is all a product of my imagination, and shouldn't be taken literally. Also, if it is illegal for you to read this, wherever you are, then don't cos you might get in trouble, and who knows? The karma might just come back and bite me in the butt for some reason! Without further ado, please enjoy my new story...'Human, all too human'.
Human All Too Human - Part 4
Three weeks later, Thursday evening<<<
"Hello? Hello? Damn it! Fuck off and stop calling me here!" Josh shouted down the phone as once again he was met with the sound of a person breathing. He had received one call the previous night, and so far three tonight. Two minutes later, the phone rang again. "Hello?" Josh said again tentatively, waiting for the breathing. "Ok, well I'm gonna hang up now and leave the phone off the hook so you can just fuck off!"
"No!" He heard down the other end. It was a desperate voice, a scared voice.
"Who is that?" Josh asked, angrily.
"It's Mark."
"What the hell? What you're stalking me now? You fucking weirdo!" Josh shouted down the phone.
"Look Josh I'm sorry, but I was scared, I needed to ask you a favour, and I wasn't sure how. I've been trying to you know, talk and I never got the nerve."
"You want to ask me a favour? Like what?" Josh asked, not liking where this was going, Mark knew a secret about him not many people knew, and now he appeared to have a few screws loose.
"I've got to go to New Mexico for three days this weekend, from Saturday to Monday, and I...I needed you to... well, to shit, I mean I needed you to..." Mark trailed off.
"Mark?" Josh asked after a long pause.
"I'm sorry Josh." Mark was obviously crying, Josh could hear the sobs.
"Mark what's wrong?"
"I don't like begging ok?" Mark practically sobbed out. "And I like it even less when I have to do it for someone I hardly know, but I don't have anyone else." Josh was getting nervous.
"Mark, just tell me what it is."
"Do you remember me telling you about my mother?" Mark asked quietly.
"Yeah, of course, you visit her on Sundays and she has Alzheimer's right?" Josh asked, and suddenly it clicked. "And you're gonna be away this Sunday?"
"Yeah. You know what I want to ask you don't you?"
"Yes." Josh sighed.
"Oh forget it, I'm sorry I shouldn't... I just didn't know... I'm sorry... I shouldn't... forget it." Mark started to hang up the phone.
"Wait!" Josh shouted, as he heard the breathing get quieter at the other end of the line. "I'll do it."
"You will?" Mark said happily. "Oh Josh, I'm sorry I had to call you, but...thank you. She panics if no one comes to see her once a week, I just need you to call in and say something to her, make her feel comfortable, it shouldn't take very long, are you sure it's ok?"
"Yes." Josh said. He was beginning to regret walking out on this obviously sensitive guy, but then he remembered that he could be thought of as an immoral war-mongerer if you considered his profession. There was no point now anyway, he only had a few days left in Florida. "Just give me the address, and the time I should be there, I'm free all Sunday. And is there anything in particular I should say to her." Josh took all the details from Mark, and wrote them down.
"Josh, I don't know how to say thank you enough. Is there anything I can do?" Josh smiled at the thought. 'Yeah, you could give up your job' he thought to himself.
"No, look I'm sorry I walked out like I did last time we were together, but I disagree with what you do, and I can't... I just can't, just consider this payback for being so rude and that'll be enough for me." Mark stayed silent for a minute. He wanted to tell Josh how he had cried for two hours over his departure, then how he had got drunk on whisky, and had cut his hand falling over a table and breaking a glass. But he didn't - he needed Josh to do this.
"Sure. Thanks Josh, I really, really appreciate it. And I'm sorry I bothered you so much, by my phone calls I mean, and well by everything." Josh and Mark said their goodbyes and hung up.
The following Sunday<<<
Josh turned up at Mark's Mom's care home at 11:30 like Mark had said, and walked in through the automatic doors. He walked up to the receptionist, a woman in her twenties with red hair. "Um, hi, my name is JC Chasez, I'm here to see a Mrs. Carey, her son said he'd call and explain." The woman finally looked up and seeing who he was, her jaw dropped. "Hello?" Josh asked, waving his hand in front of her face.
"I'm sorry, yes, of course, err... she's in room 18, down the hall on your right. Mr. Carey did call."
"Ok, thanks." Josh smiled and walked down the hall. Finally he knocked on room number 18, and walked in like Mark had told him. "Mrs. Carey?"
"Yes?" An elderly woman's voice answered, Josh looked around and saw a bed which jutted across the middle of the room, and on the other side, a woman probably in her mid-sixties with white hair with just a few strands of blonde still showing. Her eyebrows raised when she noticed Josh come in the room. "Hello, Mrs. Carey, ummm, Mark, err... your son? Couldn't make it this week, and he asked me to come and see how you're doing."
"Hmmm." She mumbled, and then stared down at her lap again.
"So, how are you?" Josh asked as he looked around. His eyes finally settled on a chair in the far corner of the room. He pulled it up to sit opposite Mrs. Carey and sat there with an expectant expression on his face.
"Light."
"What?" Josh asked, surprised by the seemingly random answer.
"Sorry, I was looking at the light on the floor. I feel fine." Josh looked at her for a moment, ok, so the answer was a bit funny, but she seemed to be 'all there'.
"Ok. Mark was really sorry he couldn't be here, but he had to go to New Mexico, to work on something."
"He's a clever boy." She said looking out the window. "He got that from my side. His father was a fireman. I was the smart one, I was a doctor." Josh smiled at her.
"So... is there anything you want to do?" Josh asked, suddenly feeling as if he was visiting his grandmother when he was 9 or 10 again, and he had nothing to say to her.
"I want to go outside." She answered.
"Are you allowed to?"
"Yes, but I need someone to push me." Josh then realised that she was sitting in a wheelchair. He smiled and stood up, and walked around behind the chair, and took off the brakes, then wheeled her out to the corridor.
"Which way?"
"If you turn right, we can go out into the garden." Josh followed her directions, and they found themselves in an enclosed garden. It seemed to Josh like one of those Spanish villas where the walls enclose a beautiful area. Turning around, he realised that that was what the home was modelled on - the walls were painted white, and dark red shutters swung from each window. A path ran in a pattern all around the garden taking them past water features, a few large, blooming flowers and a couple of bushes with pin pricks of white flower buds on them. "Stop here." Mrs. Carey said as they passed a bench. Josh pulled the wheelchair to the side of the bench and put the brakes on before sitting down.
"This is a beautiful place." Josh said. A dragonfly flew past the fountain that they were sat in front of.
"Is Mark angry at me?"
"What? Why would he be?"
"Last week, I was tired, and I couldn't recognise him. I tried to just talk to him, but things came out I didn't mean to say. And I noticed him start to cry just before he left." She said. "He's angry at me."
"No. No, he loves you more than anything. He was so worried that he couldn't make it this week because of work, but he's not angry, he was just really upset. I remember a few weeks ago, the second time Mark and I met, he was really upset cos you couldn't remember him then, but he doesn't get angry, he just gets really upset, but he understands, he doesn't hold it against you, he just wishes things could be different." Mrs. Carey nodded. Josh looked forward, into the small pool under the fountain. Then he heard Mrs. Carey. She was sobbing.
"I don't mean to, I just I can't. It's so difficult. I want to, I can't." She sobbed out. Josh reached over and wrapped his arms around her, she clung tightly to his back. "I know, I hurt Mark, but I can't... I can't always remember, it hurts me too."
"It's ok, Mark understands. He doesn't want you to worry, he'll be fine, he knows, it's ok." Gradually Mrs. Carey stopped crying, as Josh let her go. Reaching into the pocket on the back of the wheelchair, Josh found a pack of tissues, which he passed to her.
"Are you Mark's friend?" Josh paused, not sure how to respond. But if he said the truth and said that he wasn't then she might be able to work out that Mark didn't have any other friends to send.
"Yeah, yeah I am."
"Don't let him go. He may seem cold, or distant, but he wasn't always like that. It's me, it's my fault. He needs someone to help him to open up." Mrs. Carey looked into the fountain, and Josh realised just how horrible he'd been when he walked out on Mark.
"Ummm... do you want to go back inside." Mrs. Carey nodded.
"Please." Josh took the brakes off the wheelchair, and wheeled her back to her room. "It's almost half past one, could you wheel me to the dining room instead."
"Sure, did you say it was half past one?"
"Yes." Josh checked his own watch, realising that he'd been there for two hours, when Mark said he only had to stay for half an hour. Josh wheeled her down to the reception and off to the left rather than the right. The receptionist noticed Josh and followed them into the dining room. The dining room was large, with small round tables laid out over it, probably large enough for three people at each. "Over there." She pointed to a table with one other person on it. Josh wheeled her to her place, and put the brakes on again. "Thank you for visiting me today Josh, could you tell Mark I'm sorry about last week." Josh nodded. "You must come and visit me again sometime." Josh nodded again, seriously doubting that it would ever happen.
"Mr. Chasez?" Josh turned and saw the reception nurse behind him.
"Yes?"
"Um, the residents sometimes have a person to entertain them before we bring out lunch, um we were wondering if you would sing a song or two for them?"
"Oh, um..." Josh mumbled, he looked towards Mrs. Carey who had a confused expression on her face. "Yeah, I guess, sure."
"Thank you. The man over there will sort you out with a microphone and may be able to play along for you on the guitar or piano." Josh noticed a man standing in the corner of the room, and he went over.
Five minutes later, Josh was onstage, crooning along to the oldest songs he knew, he figured that the mainly elderly residents would appreciate it. After twenty minutes or so though, he got off the stage, and the employees started bringing out the plates of food. Josh walked to Mrs. Carey. "Goodbye Mrs. Carey."
"Josh." She said, grabbing his arm. "Don't let Mark go, he needs you." Josh looked at her for a second, and she released his arm.
"Goodbye." He said, before hurrying out.
NEWS FLASH
An earthquake hit the South and South-Western United States this morning. The unlikely epicentre of New Mexico has been questioned by seismologists. The earthquake caused massive collateral damage throughout the state, and beyond. It was registered at the seismological station of Berkeley, California with a Richter scale reading of 3.1 In the Albuquerque station, the reading was above 7. The quake was felt as far away as Arkansas and South Dakota. So far three fatalities have been confirmed.
Mark arrived back from New Mexico on Monday morning. He took his classes for that day, and then went home and had a nap. About 8 o'clock, he was woken by the doorbell. He eventually got up answered it.
"Josh!" He said as he answered the ringing doorbell.
"Hi Mark, I just wanted to say how I visited your Mom, and she was fine, and everything was ok."
"Oh, err... great. Do you want to come in?" Mark asked after Josh had been standing there for about a minute.
"Yeah, that would be great." Josh smiled and Mark felt his heart soar. They sat down in the living room. "So you were in New Mexico this weekend?"
"Yeah."
"Pretty mad about that earthquake huh?"
"What earthquake?" Mark asked, unaware.
"The earthquake that hit New Mexico and just about every other state in the West of America." Josh said.
"I'm sorry I haven't watched the news, I didn't know."
"How could you miss it? It hit the state you were in! It registered 7 on the Richter scale!" Josh asked incredulously.
"What else did the news say?"
"It was felt like over a thousand miles away in Dakota and Arkansas." Josh was getting emphatic, how could Mark not know about this? Mark was thinking deeply. "Where were you in New Mexico?" Josh asked.
"Los Alamos." Mark said without thinking.
"The test site?" And then it clicked for Josh. "You were testing one of those bombs weren't you?"
"No! It wasn't a bomb, it was a reactivity test, to see how quickly the reaction occurred and was over."
"But, the earthquake, it was man-made wasn't it?" Mark looked up at Josh, who had sprung up from his seat.
"It might have been, yeah." Mark blinked a few times. "Were there any... um, any..."
"Any dead people? Yeah there were!" Josh was shouting.
"Oh God." Mark said quickly, then stumbled out of the living room quickly. Josh heard Mark retching up the contents of his stomach in the bathroom. He went down the corridor Mark had gone down, and looked in. Mark was kneeling in front of the toilet, and the contents of his bowels were literally pouring out of his mouth. His body finally went into spasms, but nothing came out. The dry heaving finally slowed. Mark grabbed some tissues from the roll by the toilet, and held them to his mouth. He fell on his side by the toilet, and started crying. His body convulsed with sobbing. Josh took another step in, and he could see Mark's face. Mark couldn't see through the tears, they stung his cheeks, and his stomach was still heaving. He held the tissues over his mouth to catch any residue that came up. He wanted to die.
"Mark?" Mark finally heard Josh's voice through the veil of tears. He looked towards Josh.
"Josh. I... I didn't. I didn't mean to, I didn't know, I'm, I'm sorry. I don't..." He broke down again into a fresh bout of sobbing.
Just over five hours later, Mark had sobbed himself to exhaustion, and Josh was still there. As much as he thought Mark was a horrible person for what he'd done, he found he couldn't leave him. Mark looked like he was about to kill himself. Would that be such a bad thing? Mark clung to him tightly. They had moved to the couch in the living room and Josh's shirt was actually soaked as if he'd been out in the rain. Mark stunk of vomit. Perhaps I should just go? Josh thought to himself. He started to wriggle out of Mark's grip. Mark moaned once, but then Josh gradually started to free himself. Josh retrieved his jacket from the armchair, and started to leave.
"Josh?" Mark asked sleepily. He looked over the edge of the couch and saw Josh walking out the door. Josh looked straight into his eyes, and when they met, Mark nodded slightly, before lowering his head again and curling up into a ball. Josh left, the door making Mark flinch again as he started over crying.
The following day, a note was taped to the door of the lecture theatre again. `Dr. Carey has phoned the college and he will not be attending any more lectures for this semester. A substitute lecturer will be found within a week. Options are available for students to transfer to a new course.' Charlie read it with one of her friends, Maria, and they looked at each other.
"I wonder what happened?" Maria asked.
"I don't know." Charlie said, though she had a worrying suspicion that she did know - JC. She phoned Justin once she was alone outside. She sat down on one of the ornamental boulders which decorated the campus, and watched the bees flying around the flowerbeds.
"Hello?" Justin answered.
"Hey, it's me."
"Charlie! Hey, how are you, wait, aren't you supposed to be in class?" Charlie smiled, Justin obviously had her timetable nearby and he was reading it.
"Um, yeah, that's kinda what I phoned you about. Listen you remember I told you how three weeks ago Mark missed one of the lectures, and it was kinda JC's fault cos he walked out on Mark?"
"Yeah you told me, but JC told me about what Mark does, please don't bad-mouth JC, I do kinda agree with what he did."
"Justin, that's not the point, do you remember I told you about how Mark had never missed a lecture?" Justin thought back.
"Yeah."
"Well, he's missing another one right now. And the note on his door says he phoned this morning and he won't be in for the rest of the semester. Has JC seen him?"
"JC spoke to him the other day." Justin answered. "Something about this weekend, it might have been Sunday. Mark wanted him to do something, and JC agreed."
"Well... I don't get it, he seemed fine yesterday." Charlie answered. "Are you sure JC didn't see him again?"
"Charlie, please. JC is one of my best friends, I know he wouldn't do something to deliberately hurt him."
"Ok, but could you please phone him? Just to see if he did speak to Mark yesterday. He was the reason that Mark didn't show up last time."
"Look, I'll try, but I'm not gonna be rude to JC or anything, this is going to sound like I'm accusing him."
"Well, please, just ask." Justin thought for a second.
"Fine. I'll call him now."
"Thank you, speak to you soon, sweetie." Justin smiled to himself.
"Bye baby." He hung up on Charlie, and pressed the speed-dial with JC's number on it.
"Hello?" Justin heard a tired voice on the other end.
"JC? Is something wrong?"
"I was up for most of the night."
"Why?"
"I was with Mark, he was upset about... something." JC added.
"Well, Charlie just phoned me, you know he's cancelled his lectures for the whole semester?"
"You're kidding? Well, he was really upset."
"What happened?" Justin asked.
"He umm..." JC thought how he could put it without giving away everything, and admitting that Mark was basically the cause of an earthquake that had killed what was now more than ten people. "He did something pretty bad with his research job." Justin frowned, he could tell JC was lying.
"Look, umm, you don't have to tell me what's going on..." JC sighed a sigh of relief. "But, could you give him a call? Charlie's really worried."
"Fine." JC capitulated.
"Thanks Josh, love you man, speak to you soon."
"Yeah, bye." They hung up, and Josh walked into his apartment's kitchen. "Shit." Now he would have to speak to Mark again, and he really didn't want to. Josh picked up the phone in the kitchen, and dialled Mark's number which was written on his calendar. The phone rung and rung, but no answer came. After the third time, Josh sighed. He looked at his watch, and, seeing that it was only 11, he realised he could get to Mark's house and back before he was supposed to meet the guys for lunch. So he left his apartment, and headed for Mark's place. Once outside Mark's house, he knocked on the door. He waited around for five minutes, but there was no answer. Mark's car was in the driveway. "Mark?" He shouted as he tried to peer through the glass to the side of the door. He banged again. There was no answer, and it had been ten minutes since the first time he knocked. Josh noticed the side gate, so he walked around the side, and looked into first the living room, then the dining room. He walked around the other side, and saw first into what looked like a den, and then into the kitchen. That's when he saw him. Mark was sitting at the table, his head was resting there, and there was a book under his head. Josh spied a small white container on the kitchen counter. "Mark?" Josh shouted as he banged on the French windows which led from the kitchen into the garden. Mark didn't even move.
Finally, pulling his sleeve so that it covered his hand, Josh smashed one of the panes of glass, and, after knocking out the little shards, reached his hand through. He was in a panic, and he cut his hand once or twice on little bits of glass. He shook the handle, and finally the door opened. He ran over to Mark, and pulled his head up from the table. His skin felt clammy, but still warm. His pulse was still there, but faint and his breathing was shallow. Josh ran to the phone and dialled 911.
Josh was sat in the waiting room, it had been six hours. He hated hospitals, and considering his connection to Mark, or lack thereof, he was considering walking out. But something about the fact that he had found Mark after he had taken the pills told him that he should stay. A doctor had come to see him about an hour and a half ago, to tell him that the stomach pump had done its job, but Mark was still unconscious. Not only was it questionable whether he would wake up ok, and everything be in full working order, it was questionable whether he would wake up at all.
"Josh?" Justin walked into the waiting room. Right behind him walked in Charlie, who was holding onto Justin's hand, with tears on her face. Lance followed the two of them. Josh stood up and walked over to them. "Josh, what happened?"
"I found Mark." Josh swallowed deeply. "He had taken some pills, most of a bottle of... I think they were sleeping pills." Josh looked like he was about to break down again. When he had arrived at the hospital, he had been in tears.
"He'll be ok Josh." Josh was really shaken, and Justin reached around him and hugged him. Lance took Charlie and went to talk to a doctor, to find out any news about Mark. He knew that he hardly knew Mark, but he figured if he could help Josh...
Mark woke up later that night, and the nurse on duty told him to rest. His stomach had been drained and he had had treatment on his blood to help the process. He was groggy anyway so he went back to sleep. Josh and everyone else had gone home. Justin bugged JC to tell him what was going on with Mark, why he was so upset, and finally when they got to Josh's place after dropping off Charlie, he relented. He told Justin everything. Justin went into a fit of rage after JC told him what he did the first time, about walking out. Justin understood Mark's position, and he realised that they wouldn't even have nuclear power today if it wasn't for those scientists working for the military in the 30s and 40s. But Josh told him everything, even about the New Mexico tests, and the earthquakes. Justin went pale.
"You see? I held him for most of last night, and I guess this morning his conscience just got to him. This... thing isn't even out of testing, and it's already killing people."
Josh arrived at the hospital early the next morning, and was told he could go straight in to see Mark. "Josh!" Mark was surprised to see Josh coming in the doorway.
"You're awake!" Josh was surprised to see Mark awake. He dropped the flowers he had in his hand. After picking them up and collecting himself, he went and sat by the bed. "How are you feeling?" Mark went sombre.
"I'm ok."
"I was the one who found you." Josh said quietly. Mark nodded slightly.
"I thought you of all people would just let me die." Mark said. "I thought you would understand why I was doing it." Josh took a gasp when he heard Mark say that he would just let him die.
"Mark, I...I despise what you do. I'm not gonna beat around the bush, I think it's terrible. But you, you personally are not a horrible person. I realise that. I can't... I won't consider you a friend while you continue with your work, but as soon as you stop, which I hope will be soon now, I would gladly be one of your friends. I don't know how much of the blame is yours for the earthquake..."
"All of it. I was in charge of the project, I should have checked my worker's calculations."
"What do you mean?"
"There was a sub-project, to work out how such a large explosion would affect the tectonic plates, or rather, to see how it would affect the earth's crust. The calculations showed that there would be a minimal effect, a rumbling, for about 100 miles around with the size of reaction we used. We went about 200 yards underground to do it! But the guy who worked it out must have made a mistake. But I should have checked, that's one of the most important parts of the project, and I should have checked." Josh pursed his lips. Mark was crying again. Josh was conflicted - how should he feel? On the one hand, Mark was the leader of a project that was creating something that could destroy a country. On the other hand, Mark was a kind person, he felt so terrible for what he'd done that he wanted to kill himself, and he was only minutes away from succeeding. Josh's hand reached out and gripped Mark's on the bed. Mark looked over, his mouth hanging open, his tears gradually disappeared. He had a confused expression on his face. "Josh?"
"Mark. You aren't to blame." Josh had come to his conclusion. "If I was driving along the road, and I hit a pedestrian, and they died, it's likely I wouldn't be blamed, and yet I could have prevented that if I'd been more careful."
"Maybe, but it was my job to check those calculations, to make sure everything was safe."
"Isn't it the job of the car driver to make sure everything is safe?"
"Yes, but..."
"No buts. Mark, you've got to let it go, you've hurt yourself enough, and there's nothing you can do now. Are you going to carry on with the project?"
"No." Mark said. "I sent a letter of resignation to the army guy in charge of the whole project, I guess I wasn't expecting to be in on Saturday anyway." Mark started crying again. Josh stood and wrapped his arms around Mark, and hugged him until he fell asleep again.
End of Chapter 4 TBC...