Copyright 2010 by Jaden Lane, All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording , or by any information storage and retrieval storage system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner. (Permission to post electronically is given to www.nifty.org and its affiliated mirror sites only.)
This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
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A huge thank-you to Jen for her second set of eyes and help editing!
Happy Pride Toronto!
This chapter's dedicated to you Skylar. You were known as Miss Moss, based on the moss-green string around your collar to identify you, when we picked each other. No matter how old we got you were always my puppy, now you're my Blonde Angel. Love you.
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If You Could Read My Mind
As Neville heads to the cafeteria for lunch he gets stopped in the hallway by Mrs. MacLeod, "Neville, you can leave your coat in your locker when you're at school."
"Yes Ma'am, thank you. I know. Are you telling me I should or just pointing out I can, because I like having it with me, in case I get cold," Neville explains.
He's not even sure where his locker is this year and he wants his coat with him so that it doesn't get stolen by some kid picking on him. Someone was kind enough to leave it for him in his hidey-home and not say anything to him about it, or about his home to anyone else. Even if he used a locker he feels he owes it to that person to not lose the coat.
"Well if you get cold in the classroom tell me which one and I'll have the heat turned up," Mrs. MacLeod smiles.
"Uh, they're all cold. I always find then too cold except for May and June, and maybe September. Then they're too hot. Either way, they're never comfortable," Neville says with a shrug of his shoulders.
"I'd tend to agree with your assessment, but don't let any other faculty know! I may have tenure, but that doesn't stop them from using anything to try and claw me out of the top spot," Helen MacLeod says with a wink.
"You're secret's safe with me Ma'am," Neville smiles and winks back.
"Yes, well the reason I've tracked you down is to pass along a message that my sister is free to see you anytime this week after school, except tomorrow, should you care to drop in and chat with her. You've made quite the impression on her from what I can gather," Helen informs him.
"Thanks Mrs. M. I hope she's not mad at me; I kinda cut out on her yesterday after she took me under her wing. That was pretty rude of me, so I should probably stop by tonight to apologise," Neville sheepishly admits.
"Just take your thinking cap when you visit her. A mind like yours, she'll challenge your thoughts every bit as tenaciously as I do," Mrs. MacLeod suggests.
"I sort of hope so. I barely know her, but I wouldn't expect anything less because she seems a lot like you. You're a challenging teacher, and I already suspect she doesn't respect a lazy mind any more than you do. Plus, I can see your influence on her as much as me, because she and I both use some of your phrases. I caught myself using one of yours just this morning with my, uh, friend. She used the same phrase yesterday, so I know we both got it from you," Neville says with an even wider smile.
Realizing his near slip-up, he hopes Mrs. MacLeod didn't catch that he almost said boyfriend as he takes his leave to enter the cafeteria. But knowing her, he's sure that didn't slip by unnoticed. As he scans the area that his friends usually gravitate towards he wonders, `Is that what we are now, boyfriends? Do I have a boyfriend now? Oh my God, I think we're boyfriends! Does he think we're boyfriends too? I guess I better start considering Brooke and Megan friends now if I'm going to consider Bailey my boyfriend! I can't believe I really have friends and my first real boyfriend now! There they are. Just be honest with them. All I have to tell them is that I don't want to talk about things that are too close to me. I can do this. Oh God, no I can't. Two smiles and one Megan- scowl coming right up. I'm doomed; good thing my stomach ordered a side of butterflies. Oh well, here goes nothing.'
).:.(<<
After school Neville stops in at the church and discusses his situation at length with the reverend. He's careful to never let her know just where home is for him. He also refuses to enlighten her as to why he's homeless other than to admit his orientation is the root cause.
Feeling unencumbered afterwards, he zips over to the diner for a bite to eat. He's hungry and hasn't had time to visit the discount grocery store. He's also giddy inside over Bailey. He has an urge to see his first real boyfriend, like an addict needing a fix. He's sure Brooke can see he is jumpy and excited. Before he leaves the diner he steps into the kitchen.
Catching Bailey's attention he walks over to him, "Home and homework call, but I thought I'd stop in and give you this before I go."
After the brief kiss Bailey asks, "See you tomorrow?"
"You can bet your cute butt on it," Neville says and slips out the back door.
Tuesday night Neville works with Megan front while Josh is alone in the kitchen. Brooke and Bailey have the night off. Bethany and a friend keep sneaking downstairs to spy on Josh while he works. A little jealous, all night long Bailey fights his desire to go downstairs and one up his sister by mauling Neville with his hands and lips. Containing himself and staying upstairs, he smokes more than half a pack of cigarettes on his little balcony to calm his nervous energy. He smokes so much in fact that he has to borrow two off Brooke; one for before he goes to bed and one for when he gets up in the morning.
Outside with Josh for a break, Neville spots Bailey on the fire escape above them, quietly hoping to not be noticed. While Neville rags on Josh about picking up smoking again, what he really wants is to go up the escape and rag on Bailey for smoking. He momentarily fantasizes about Bailey agreeing and asking to be punished, which leads to digging his hands into Bailey's back as they passionately make out.
Josh snaps him back to reality. Instead of kissing with Bailey he gets an invitation to play some pick-up hockey the next night with Josh and some guys. Later in the night he finishes his cleaning before Josh. As he's unable to find an excuse to go see Bailey, and now feels indebted to Josh for the invitation to play hockey, Neville stays and helps Josh finish up. He is so frustrated as he walks home with Josh that by the time they part ways he almost wants to hug his friend, just so he has contact with someone. Neville yearns for physical affirmation now that he has a boyfriend; he feels a compulsion to touch him or somebody else. He can't wait for the first chance alone with Bailey to kiss, hug, and cuddle.
Waiting at the front doors with his hockey bag and sticks after school the next day, Neville surprises Josh, "Holy shit! You really do have hockey equipment."
"Yeah, but this junk is all second hand stuff. My own equipment has probably been handed down to some other family member back home. I think everything fits good now except my jersey. I figured I'd buy a practice one from the pro shop if no one has one I can borrow," Neville says, trying to lead Josh. He knows quite well that Josh always has a few jerseys in his bag.
"I have a spare in my bag if you don't mind it not being washed," Josh says, knowing Neville was trying to ask to borrow one off him specifically, but too proud to come right out and ask.
"Awesome, thanks," Neville answers, excited that he's going to get to wear one of Josh's jerseys.
Of the guys in the dressing room, everyone eyes Neville with curiosity; some with suspicion, some with contempt. Neville is well aware of being the thousand pound gorilla in the room, but Josh and his close friends attempt small talk with him, so he tries to put the others out of his mind.
Feeling scrutinized, Neville would settle for just not embarrassing himself on the ice. Never for a moment forgetting that he's out of place, he still manages to have fun on the ice and even share a little banter on the bench. While changing afterwards, the goalie that Neville was shooting against compliments his hard shot. It's only a small feather in his cap, but it brings a forth a flash of confidence in Neville. He knows that he's regarded as slightly less pathetic today than in the past. Even though he'll be back to the same loser in their eyes tomorrow, for now his schoolmates are treating him like he actually exists.
Rather than bask in his momentary acceptance in the dressing room, he hurriedly changes. He's sure he didn't dawdle but is still not the first to be done. He hoped to change quick enough to be the first one out of the dressing room, thereby affording the opportunity to slip into his bat-cave in the next room undetected. In his rush change into his regular clothes, Neville is unaware that all the while Josh is watching and reading him. The art of observation is something Josh has picked up from him.
Stepping up for his friend, Josh gives him an out, "Hey Nev, stick around for a minute for me? There's something at work I want to talk to you about."
Trying to mask that he is put off, Neville is not sure if it comes across in his voice or not, "Yeah, sure. What?"
"Just give it a minute. It's nothing big but it's probably confidential. I want your opinion on it," Josh says.
"Uh, okay," Neville replies.
Taking a hint that Josh wants to say something to Neville in private, James throws his bag over his shoulder and waits on Aaron and Ronnie. Turning to Josh before they leave, he asks, "Should we wait for you?"
"This will only take a second. I'll meet you guys by the side doors and we'll cut across the field," Josh says back.
"Nah, front doors dude. There's too much slush the other way," Aaron shouts back from the hall before the door closes behind the trio of friends.
Once they're alone Neville asks, "What's up?"
"Nothing man, just wanted to say you looked natural out there. I didn't want you to feel on the spot in front of anyone else because you'd probably punch me, again, just for me being nice to you. You've given me a slight black-eye twice already and I've never marked you yet. If you give me a black eye for a third time, especially in front of everyone, my street cred would plummet," Josh jokes.
Neville takes Josh for his word, "Oh, thanks, and thank you so much for inviting me! I love to play hockey; I really had a lot of fun. And well, I'm really sorry I've hit you before. I can't believe you never hit me back either time; you more than had a right to. Still, who needs street cred when everyone knows you're an amazing guy."
"I thought you weren't gay and here you go and sweet-talk me! Don't make me come over there and hit you," Josh jokes.
Hoisting his bag over his shoulders, Neville gives Josh an exaggerated frown, "Stop it already! I'm not hitting on you. You're the only one that's never been a dick to me so just take the compliment before I do punch you! And thanks again, by the way."
"Yeah man, no prob. Catch you on the flip side," Josh replies over his shoulder as he navigates his bag through the door.
Neville's unaware that Josh has purposely made it so that he can slip into his hidey-home without anyone seeing, `Well thanks to that I don't have to fake leaving and then figure out how the heck I was going to get back inside undetected! All I have to do is wait for Josh to clear the hallway and I can sneak next door. Good thing too; I guess I'm not going out tonight because I stink like stale hockey equipment. What was the schedule like today? Do I still have time to get in a quick shower? Yeah, if I really move my butt.'
).:.(<<
The next day another storm is threatening to shut down the city so the school day is ended at lunch hour. The students are all sent home in advance of the storm as the snow and winds are just starting to pick up. The second major ice storm is late in the season, but packs the biggest punch yet.
Before they leave, Bailey asks Neville into a washroom. Checking that they are alone they exchange a sensuous kiss and a tight hug. Breaking the kiss Bailey commands Neville, "Do not come to work tonight. You are so stubborn and I do not want you walking to work in freezing rain and ice again. You got a wicked cold last time and if you get a cold again we can't do this."
The boys kiss again, Bailey initiating their first kiss involving tongue.
"Oh wow," Neville says, his whole body tingling and the flow of blood becoming evident in the front of his pants.
"And then some! So don't you dare get sick on me Nev," Bailey says with a wicked grin.
Neville's eyes are stuck on Bailey's soft, glossy lips that taste of cherry chap-stick. He can taste cigarette also, but he doesn't care, the kiss is dynamite, "To do that again? I promise on my father's grave not to get sick!"
This storm causes power outages in many parts of the north-east coast, much like the ice storm early in year. Once again, downtown Charlottetown is no exception. Before school would have normally ended for the day the winds have picked up considerably. The driving winds are so strong, in fact, that Neville can clearly hear the groans of sheet metal from the roof and the banging of air ventilation flaps throughout the arena. Today is one of the rare occasions that he also hears the squeaking metal of the battered Zamboni door from his bat-cave deep within the bowels of the arena. The arena is cast in darkness after dusk but still before the dinner hour.
Knowing it's going to be a colder night than usual, Neville dresses in some of his hockey gear to stay warm. Nesting under as many dry towels as he can gather, he curls up and goes to sleep early.
Under the warmth of real blankets, Neville wakes to the sound of breathing inches from his face. He realises he's not alone. He can't see so much as an outline in the pure darkness, but the combined scent of deodorant and body wash right under his nose instinctively tells him it's Josh. Josh is barely asleep when Neville punches and curses him awake and pushes the blankets into his arms, "It was you? I'm not a charity case! Why couldn't you just leave me alone?"
Josh is thankful he's quick on his heels. He has firsthand experience that Neville packs a surprising punch for such a skinny little runt. Now that he isn't quite as scrawny as he had been, he's bound to be even stronger. Reacting before Neville gets a chance to start throwing punches, Josh hurriedly reaches out and pulls him into a tight hug until he quits fighting, "I guess now you know it was me you were chasing around this place, so we've more or less been over this already. Like I told you then, I never said you were a charity case."
"Then what am I to you?" Neville demands.
"I don't know, a super-smart friend who's too stupid to know when to ask for help. You've hung out at my place a handful of times way back when; tonight I thought I'd crash at your place and give you some company. These blankets are for me 'cause it's freezing in here, but you're free to share them if you want, I guess. I can see you've already snagged most of my pillow. If you like pillows so much you should buy yourself one."
"This isn't happening, this can't be real," Neville repeats while scrunching his eyelids closed.
"Don't worry. I haven't dimed you or this place out yet and I'm not going to. But I've been damn curious about you sleeping in those pants," Josh says while still restraining Neville. His hand creates a knocking sound as he raps his knuckles against the hard plastic thigh pad of the hockey pants Neville's wearing.
Neville throws his head back. If he weren't so upset at being discovered, he'd really enjoy being restrained by Josh. Instinct however, still makes him try and thrash his way free again. Josh's strong arms squeeze him so tight in response that he involuntarily tenses every muscle in his upper body to try and prevent being crushed. The air being forced from his lungs in the process makes a yelp-like sound as it escapes his lips.
Neville's ability to fight him off surprises Josh. It occurs to him just how strong Neville could be based on how broad he is and how strong he still is now. Josh can at least see that with proper food the last few months Neville's face has filled out some and his shoulders and hip bones don't poke out through his layered clothing like they used to. In fact Neville's appearance has improved enough for Josh to notice his girlfriend Kelsey taking double-takes when he walks by.
Despite that, Josh is stronger so Neville gives up, "They're an extra layer. When I was little I used to sleep in my hockey pants because all I wanted in life was to grow up and be a hockey player. Everyone thought it was cute. But I remember I used to sweat my ass off in them. Have you ever tried sleeping in yours? Probably not. So now I use these to get through the cold winter nights. Okay? Now let go of me. Please? Seriously, you're crushing my lungs Josh."
Josh lets go and Neville scampers a foot away, gasping for air while reclining against the walls in the corner of his shower-stall bed.
Josh again taps the hockey pants before wrapping up Neville's feet. He's afraid of Neville kicking him to get free, "You steal all the gear too?"
"Since you ask, yeah, all my hockey stuff's stolen. I prefer to think of it as lost and found, as in someone lost it when I found it. Up until very recently, most everything I had was stolen, or bought with stolen money. Right up until we got jobs at The Town Square Diner. So what are you going to do about it? The only things I've bought so far with my work money are food and new shoes. Not even essentials like razors, soap, deodorant, toothpaste or toothbrushes, because Mr. and Mrs O'Keefe tip me with stuff like that instead of money on their weekly night out.
I'm saving the rest for school, not that there's much yet. I only have tip money in my bank account right now. Without a home I can't give Cathy and Jonas anything real that they can put down on employment forms. So I haven't been paid anything yet for the past two months and some and frankly I never will be. They set the money aside but I'll never be able to collect it because I'm not really me. I need to go to university if I'm ever going to get out of this life, but that's a pie-in-the-sky dream too. I can pay you for silence instead if you want."
A deep breath reveals Josh's exasperation. He lets Neville's feet go, "I can't believe you've been homeless the whole time here. You've been living in this arena for as long as I've known you, haven't you?"
Drawing his knees towards his chest Neville starts to cry, "Clearly. How'd you even find me? Why you?"
The raw emotion that Neville is exhibiting disturbs Josh. This isn't how he figured things would go. He doesn't really know how or why he expected a more rosy scenario, but the weight of the moment hits him like a wrecking ball. He's realizes that his mere presence just destroyed Neville's allusion of security. He chastises himself inside for always acting before he thinks things through. He didn't mean to obliterate Neville's whole world, he just didn't foresee it as a possible outcome. Worry washes over him, "Are you okay that I found you? I've kept it secret for a couple months already. I haven't even told my parents."
No longer gulping for air from his chest being crushed, or from deep sobs, Neville sniffles. He answers, "Like I have a choice now. I knew you were on to me. You just had to keep pushing. The coat and the blind chase around the this place during the last storm, both were you?"
Putting a hand gently on Neville's foot, Josh tries to explain, "Just listen Nev. My grandma in Boston sent money to buy me that winter coat for Christmas. It's a real good one too, a Columbia ski jacket. It must have been a defect or labelled wrong 'cause the arms were too long but it was too tight for me otherwise. Mom got it from Liquidation World where all sales are final so we couldn't return it. And Gram lives off a crappy pension so Mom didn't want to tell her she wasted the money on a coat that doesn't fit. We lied and said it's perfect and got me another one instead and gave that one to you. You were fucking crazy not at least stealing yourself a winter coat this year. And it looks good on you. I want you to keep wearing it for me, please."
"I already had a new one," Neville vehemently lies.
Josh adjusts the blankets around him and kneels before Neville, "No you don't. The whole week I was trying to give it to you, you never wore one. Some sweat-shirts yeah, but no coat. Nev, I've looked around here a bunch of times. Those are your towels and some clothes hang-drying on the benches over there and the rest of your clothes are hidden in the stack of spare tires. With the cardboard dividers in between them you've practically got the tires arranged like real drawers in a dresser. Your hockey bag is stuffed into that gutted Pepsi machine. Your toiletries are in the plastic baggie in the sink. Your school bag and books are in the milk crate underneath the sink. This shower stall is your bed and my guess is that use your coat from last year ago as a pillow. Unless I missed something along the tour that's all you've got."
"I've got a whole hell of a lot more than that," Neville tries to lie. It even sounds hollow to him as he says it. He does think to himself, `At least you don't know I stash my cans of soup and tuna along with a can opener in a cubby hole under the player's bench by the door, or my shoes in the one next to it.'
"I know you don't take sympathy well so I'm not offering you any. Christ, I don't pity you. I sure don't envy you either. But holy shit Nev, finding out the truth? You truly amaze me. Let's just go back to sleep and get this cold-ass night over and then you're staying at my place," Josh says, careful to grab both of Neville's hands again to avoid a possible punch from him.
"Screw you. Last time you left the blankets and ran. Why did you have to stay this time and strip me of my dignity? Did you think it would be fun; slumming with the hobo, sleeping with the homo?" Neville puts out there, aware of what kids think of him and still certain that Josh both knows and feels uncomfortable about his liking him. He hopes the acknowledgement drives Josh away.
"We both have spending money. We can buy our own food and clothes now, even proper bedding for you. I'm not here to change things, but you can do better than this," Josh says, ignoring Neville's rant.
Neville tries to drive his point across. Confrontation is the only defence he knows to push people away, "Did you just hear me? Aren't you afraid of sleeping with me still?"
A slight apprehension is evident in Josh, "Yeah, a little. Make that a lot. It is true then, you're gay?"
Neville thinks he has Josh on the brink of leaving, "Go fuck yourself then. Why'd you bother to come here? Why are you even still here? And no, I'm not gay for the record."
Refusing to be pushed away, Josh crosses his arms in the dark, "I'm just trying to be a friend, that's why I'm here. As for the other thing, c'mon Nev, I know you like me. I know you still stare at me and truthfully, it makes me sort of uncomfortable."
"Wow. Guess I misjudged you all along. I didn't think your ego was like the rest of the jerks at school. Get it through your thick skull; we're not friends and I'm not gay for you. I'm just trying to push you away again if you must know, make you leave me alone. Other than that, when I stare at you? We've been over it. Look at you, you're built. Look at me, I'm still emaciated. In case you don't know the word, it means that the biggest bulges on me are my joints, not my belly or muscles. Ever hear of envy?"
Josh knows the score, and gently mocks Neville, "Oh. Shit! Yes, yes, that's right. You're really just jealous of me and not remotely gay. Whatever. Sorry Nev, I never really believed it when you said that the first time and that's why I don't change where you can jack off to me on this side of those grates. You've stopped staring at me a lot and I've gotten over your liking me some. Enough to let you play hockey with us yesterday and change with us, but you're still as queer as a three dollar bill."
Neville protests, "Screw off Josh. Seriously. I didn't check out anyone yesterday!"
"I know. I was watching you to see if you would," Josh reveals.
"Oh, so you get to watch me but I can't compare myself to anyone else? Is that how it is? Did you at least notice that I've got a nice one then?"
Josh is offended, "I didn't check you out. I'm not gay."
"That's a lie. I saw you check my goods out and you can admit it. I'm not saying you're gay. I know for you it's just a competition to see how you compare, not that you want my meat. It's a double standard for us straight guys," Neville says.
"Yeah. And yeah, I also know it's a double standard that I get to look and compare when you can't. I guess I'll never understand how hard it is to be you. Not gonna lie about that. Being gay's one thing, but living here's even worse. Man, you need to realize when you need help. It's another record setting storm out there and here you are without any power again and won't ask to stay at the Regan's or my place. I'm not letting a friend freeze to death so here I am. And yes asshole, you are a friend."
Neville's mad at the situation, but underneath it all he's deeply moved that Josh won't give up on him, "You have to swear on your life to me Josh that you're not going to tell on me. If anyone else finds out the truth it's all over for me and I'm as good as dead."
"I heard through work that you're going to church now. Can't they put you in a home? I'm sure there are people that can help you," Josh tries to argue.
Neville takes on a pleading tone, "Sure they can. They can put me in a group home for three months until I turn eighteen, or send me back to my parents. Either way makes my life a fucking living nightmare. I ran away for a reason. It may not be worth two shits to you or anyone else but it's my life, so I get to live on my terms. You don't know what it's like."
"Then tell me what it's like. You can't just keep doing this Nev," Josh argues.
"Why not? I've managed almost two years now on my own. I'm beating the odds by a long shot. I go to school every day and get great grades 'cause there's not much else to do here other'n work and study. I don't have a house with a T.V. and a stocked fridge, or even a real bed or loving parents, but I manage to survive. Maybe just not by the most ethical of means at first," Neville counters.
Josh lets slip, "You got that right."
"And I've got the job now too. I buy my own food and clothes. I don't have to borrow your towel and deodorant out of your hockey bag anymore, like you probably know I used to. I can buy my own. Oh God Josh; you have no idea how bad I feel for doing that to you. I'm so sorry for that, but things are looking up for me now and you can't ruin this for me. Promise me you won't," Neville begs.
"I'm sure someone here..."
"Don't you get it? It's simple; let me spell it out for you. I'm a fucking runaway. I'll never say why, so don't bother asking. Just know that my family were good people, they're just, they just didn't get me. If the police and family services get involved no one wins and the rest of my family suffers, big time. Trust me, my family's better off without me and I'm way better off without them. Me and my bogus identity are doing just fine. If you ruin this on me I'll seriously kill myself. You want to live with that? Again Josh, I'll pay you for your silence. Take my money, take whatever, just don't tell on me."
"Nev," Josh again begins to protest.
Neville's hands find Josh's collarbones and clamp on with a vice-like grip, "NO! Just leave it alone."
Always surprised by Neville's strength, Josh relents, "Fine."
Realizing what he's doing, Neville eases his grip, "Promise me."
Josh doesn't want to commit, "I don't know Nev."
Neville lets go of Josh and rests a shaky hand on his arm instead. Josh can sense the surrender as much in the action as in Neville's words, "Please? This is my whole life right here. Don't take everything I have away from me. Don't take what little pride I have Josh. Don't proffer me a death sentence."
"Aight, I promise," Josh swears.
"Thank you."
Hung up on the mention of the police, Josh asks, "So, you didn't kill anyone or do anything bad that I should like, worry about, did you?"
"Fuck off. You know me better than that," Neville says, trying to stifle a nervous giggle.
"I hardly know you at all. You don't let anyone in enough," Josh counters.
"Hello! I just let you in. Heck, you're practically in my arms right now," Neville points out the fact that there's very little space between them as they huddle under the blankets.
Josh isn't happy about this fact either. Neville says he's straight, but Josh knows it's a lie and doesn't care for the contact, "True that. Only, it's damned cold. How about we just keep this little detail to ourselves? But you know what I mean."
With genuine hope Neville continues what he was trying to say a moment ago, "You know pretty much all there is to know about me. I'm homeless by choice and I used to steal, but only enough to survive. I feel real bad about that and someday I'm going make it all up. I swear on my soul Josh, when I make it out of this alive, I want to help kids like me."
"You want to help out people like you, but you don't want help," Josh points out.
"Shut up and go back to sleep," Neville tries his best to come across as playful.
Josh prompts Neville, "You're welcome, for everything."
"Thanks."
"So are you going to use me like a teddy bear all night?"
Neville confirms, "Not in that way, but I sort of was planning on it, more or less. You know, share body heat and all."
"I'm not so cool with that. At least turn over so our backs are facing. Oh, and one condition on me not telling on you Nev?"
Reluctantly respecting Josh's wishes, Neville turns over and tries to dig himself back into the mound of stolen towels, "What's that?"
Josh lays his thoughts out, "Until this storm's over and power's back on you stay at my place, or even better, stay with Bailey again. I know not every gay guy is attracted to another guy just because he's gay too, but at least curl up on his floor and sleep in front of his warm fireplace! I'm not too comfortable sleeping with you but it's too cold here and I don't want your death from hypothermia on my conscious any more than I want your suicide on it. So please stay with him."
"I'll see," Neville suggests.
Josh lets it rest, "Know what? Make that two conditions. Again, the first being that you never, ever tell a soul we're lying together like this!"
Rather than agree to anything Neville manipulates the conversation on to a different topic, "Hey, uh, wanna know what I set some money aside for? I owe you a Bruins cap, as you know. Sorry for punching you way back when you asked me if I stole yours by the way. And, well, sorry for stealing it. I didn't know then that you were such a good guy."
"If we're playing that game, I'm pretty sure you owe me way more than that. Some deodorant, socks, underwear, at least a few undershirts, a tee-shirt or two, and a towel or so, or at least laundry service for a few you borrowed, and maybe even more stuff out of my bag. I'll settle for a Bruins touque. Walking in this crap tonight I realized I need a new touque."
"I never stole any equipment from you, or anything off you in ages. Anyways, I thought you were going to burn everything you own that's Bruins related when they traded Borque."
"No. I hate them for that, but I realized how much Bruins stuff I have. It would be a huge fire. So if you want, buy me a touque. If I'm cold on my team right now I at least want my ears to be warm."
Neville rubs Josh's side behind him, mentally adding up what he remembers stealing from Josh, "It's yours. And take anything I have here too if you like any of it."
"Thanks, but no. Know what you need next? You need a mattress dude. We have to find a way to sneak one in here for you."
"Thanks for being here for me. I hate you for it, but it means the world to me at the same time."
"We are going to make it through the night, right?" Josh asks. On his side, his back fully pressed against Neville's, he curls into a tighter ball to conserve body heat.
"Yeah, we'll make it," Neville presses tighter against him and adjusts the blankets over them. Listening to the wind and freezing rain batter the roof of the arena, the boys drift off to sleep.
Later in the night Josh wakes a handful of times to find himself wrapped tight in Neville's embrace. Each time he wakes he feels that he's much warmer than the last time he woke. Not cozy, but warmer. Thinking Neville is fast asleep behind him every time, he repeatedly decides to let it slide.
Neville is partially roused every time Josh startles awake in his arms. While his toes may be frigid even inside two layers of socks, inside the hockey pants he's sweating. He's not really worried about Josh freezing to death overnight, but loves the excuse for such close contact.
Hours later he wakes with Josh's head on his chest. Having unknowingly confiscated the entire pillow again, and not aware that's why Josh's head is resting on him, Neville smiles and fantasizes until he falls back asleep.
When Josh wakes for the day Neville pokes him in the chest with a finger, "See, it wasn't so bad."
"Yeah it was! Dude, I'm frozen," Josh replies.
"I guess it's kinda cold. You learn to get used to it. I meant sleeping with me wasn't so bad," Neville says as he pulls himself up to a sitting position.
"Even if you were straight, lying next to a dude feels wrong to me. But hey, at least if you stay with Bailey tonight you guys can both feel comfortable," Josh suggests.
"Why do you think everyone's gay?" Neville asks.
Josh also sits up and bundles himself in the blankets, "He checks you out all the time at work. He's about as subtle as a bull in a china shop about it too. But you already know that because more and more you both act all dorky around each other. Call me crazy but you guys dig each other don't you?"
"Pft. Whatever," Neville dismisses Josh with a tinge of sadness.
"Yeah, whatever. How do you all figure I wouldn't catch on? Nev, you've always been an alright guy, so I could get over you being gay I guess. When I found out you live in this shit-hole, no offence, was when I started to realize that it doesn't matter," Josh states.
"What are you even trying to say?" Neville asks.
Instead of revealing that Neville has become somewhat of a silent hero to him, Josh simply indicates, "I guess what I'm saying is that as a friend I don't want to see you guys kiss or anything gross like that, but somehow I hope for you that you and Bailey hook up," Josh indicates.
Feeling resigned that he told Josh too much already and is just going to have beg Crystal to help him get to Montreal, Neville gives up his charade, "Yeah? Uh, if you really mean it, I think Bailey and I have sort of started something."
"See, now you better at least smarten up when there are storms like this or you're gonna freeze to death one day. No boyfriend for you then if you're dead," Josh pushes.
"I know. I'll see if I can stay with the Regan's tonight if the power's not back on yet. If I can't then is it still okay if I sleep on your floor?"
Josh stands up, "Yeah. You know, if the couch was free I'd ask my parents to take you in permanently, but I have the only bedroom and Mom sleeps on the couch because of Dad's hospital bed."
"It's okay. It smells pretty rank, and thanks for not pointing that out, but this is my bed and I like it. This is like a palace compared to the condemned fleabag hotel off Main Street that the cops always have to clear out, or the rat-hole down the street from work. I've got it good for being homeless," Neville explains.
"So like, what if you get caught here?"
As Josh feels his way along the wall so that he can make his way to the washroom in the dressing room next door, Neville reveals, "Davis Millar knows I live here. Rather than living in those rat-holes or under the bridge by the train yards he let me stay here in my bat-cave, as long as I behave and don't draw any attention to it. Like you for example. Josh, you can't tell anyone or my life is ruined," Neville asserts once more.
Josh is adamant that Neville not stay the night again in the arena until the heat is back on. After cold showers in the pitch black they dress and head over to the Regan's. Out of the blue on the way over Josh says, "I know why you're like that! It's got to be the books!"
Neville hasn't a clue what Josh is getting at, "What?"
Josh elaborates but it still means nothing to Neville, "You're like how you are because you read so much. I need to start reading too, don't I?"
"God, you're really having a hard time with this aren't you? Reading doesn't make me gay, and you don't want to be gay. Why'd you have to push it? To some of us sexuality is incredibly personal. Straight people and gay. I'm over you Josh, I promise, so don't worry about my sex life. I know the thought makes you throw up in your mouth so I don't think about you that way anymore. Seriously, knowing I creep you out kills the mood," Neville chastises Josh, lying about the last part. He still fantasizes about Josh regularly.
"No that's not what I mean. You talk like a teacher and know big words because you read. And you even know how to say the words right. Like, how I would say some words, you say them differently. You say them right I guess. It has to be because you read," Josh relates.
"I think some words that you used to look at me funny over are because we say them differently where I grew up. And yeah, others are probably just because I know the word."
"So where are you from? You're an East-coaster for sure," Josh surmises.
"Well, you know the rest. I might as well tell you everything, so they can ship my gay ass back to my dad and his loaded shot gun faster when you try to get help for me. I lived on a dairy farm just a short half-hour bus ride outside of Halifax. So there you go, now you can get me scrubbed off the face of the earth whenever you feel like it."
Josh feels a lump in his throat, "You ran away because your dad was going to kill you?"
Neville can't hold it any longer, "Yup. Being gay doesn't fly with him and his religion, but apparently taking out his gay son does. Can you believe that? My mom was so worried he'd make good on his promise that she woke me up in the dead of the night and told me to run away, or else he was going to kill me and make it look like an accident. I know my dad Josh; if I went to the police and nothing was done he'd still kill me the first chance he got, even if it meant jail. Or, if they did believe me and locked him up, either way we'd lose the farm and my mom, three brothers, and two sisters would all be homeless with me. It was hard but I did the best thing I could for everyone and ran away. So, just please let it go and let me be."
Sensing disbelief, he grabs Josh's arm and stops walking, "You don't even believe me when I'm exposing my most guarded secret, and I can't blame you. I'm sure you think this is me spinning another lie. Julie. Remember when I screwed up and told you Megan reminds me of my sister? She really is just like my sister Julie. I told you some lie on the spot about Julia Styles when you caught me slip up and mention her. Then you brought up Kenny and threw it in my face that you didn't believe me."
Josh nods, "Yeah, I remember."
Neville looks Josh straight in the eyes, "I'm a middle child, fourth of six as far as I know unless my parents decided to replace me. Little Mike's the oldest, then Seth, Kristen, and me, then Julie and Trevor. Look them up in the phone book if you want. Big Mike and Wendy Johnson, they're my parents. Call them and ask them if they had a son or brother named Elijah. That's who I used to be, Eli Johnson. So please Josh, please, just let it be."
It's partly the way Neville grabs his arm and stops walking, partly the tears that join the freezing rain on his friends face; one thing Josh is sure of is that he's hearing the truth. He starts walking again, thankful that he driving sleet is to their backs. As Neville catches up he asks, "So what about Kenny then?"
"All lies. I did hang out with him when I got here. He was a street kid and showed me where and how to survive. Then the prick stole what little savings I had and got a ride to Montreal with a trucker lady that brought me here. I didn't even know it at the time, I was so new to being vagrant and scared of my own shadow still, but I had a fatal attraction for him. He wasn't all that good looking but I would have let him use me if he wanted. I was so grateful for him. Then he took my money and skipped out."
"So why do you say he's your brother and the trucker is your mother? What about the trucker dude that Corey sees you with too?"
"That's just what people started thinking. I went with it because it works. It gave me an instant identity so I didn't stand out as much. The trucker, her name is Crystal Reilly. I took her last name and she pretended to be my mother to get me into school, and again to get me a bank account. The guy fills in for her when she's sick. She has diabetes and doesn't take care of herself, but she's the only person that knew the whole story before you, and she keeps her run down here from Montreal every week just to make sure I'm alive. She's the best person in my life," Neville offers.
Josh can't help but ask, "Why don't you live with her then?"
"Her life's a bigger train-wreck than mine. The only thing she owns is her truck. She rents a room in Montreal, but that's all she has. I stayed there for a month last summer. You probably never even noticed I was gone for a bit. It was nice to get away, but at least here I was able to steal money somewhat regularly for food. There, I tried pan handling and got my money stolen by a bunch of guys, and got knocked around by a delivery driver for stealing food from his truck. They don't just ignore you there; they come after you. I manage a lot better here."
Josh is convinced, and at the same time feels ashamed for forcing everything out of Neville. Seeing things in a new light he figures maybe Neville has it right; maybe living the way he does is the best, if not only option available. He decides to keep his mouth shut and let Neville carry on with the secret little life he's carved out for himself.
[to be continued]