Copyright © 2010 by Jaden Lane, All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording , or by any information storage and retrieval storage system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner. (Permission to post electronically is given to www.nifty.org and its affiliated mirror sites only.)
This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Always love to hear from you, please let me know what you think @ phantomscorpio77@gmail.com or stop by to see how things are going with the next chapter and other writing @ www.myspace.com/phantomscorpio77
).:.(<<
If You Could Read My Mind
).:.(<<
A week after his encounter with Bailey, Neville is still confused, "Hey Josh, does Bailey like, uh, you know, ever talk about me to you? He went all berserk on me last week, and I can't figure out what he meant by some of it. "
"Sorry dude. You never come up and I don't ask. I have to work with him. It's hard some days when I work with him and Brooke. They don't talk at all or even look at each other. Dude, I'm just there for a paycheque, I'm not touching your baby drama."
"Oh, gotcha. Sorry you have to put up with that because of me."
"So what are the chances of you making it out to a morning game of shiny? We can leave your stuff in the team dressing room."
"No can do. I've got the stuff stashed away behind the little attendants counter in the bowling alley, and the bag I keep in the other part of the basement there is my cover. Instead of a hockey bag it's actually my closet."
"No one ever goes down there anyways. They'll never know."
As open and honest as they've become with each other, Neville doesn't want to tell Josh his real reason, `I smell again. I'm wearing all last year's clothes and everyone's back to calling me bag-boy. But what's worse is along with everyone deciding I'm a fag, they're saying you broke up with Kelsey because there's something between you and me. They won't say it when you're around, but to someone like me, they'll say it right to my face and laugh.'
Josh gets an uneasy feeling over the course of the week that Neville is starting to give up. All afternoon it plays on his mind as his teachers lessons are in one ear and out the other. Slowly the connection fit in place and he decides to take action. After school he blows off his friends Aaron and James and heads to Neville's church for a discussion with reverend Francis.
"Excuse me ma'am, Reverend?"
"Hello young sir. How may I guide you?" Reverend Francis asks.
"Oh, I thought you were Nev's Reverend. Could you guide me to Reverend Francis, please," Josh corrects himself.
"Yes, that's me. I meant guide as in spiritually," Ingrid Francis drops all formality and sits hard on a pew, "Was that Neville Reilly you mentioned? Dear Lord, please tell me he's alright."
"He's alright, but he's not. You know? And I don't know what to do or who to talk to. You're the only person I can think of because he told me you know a lot of things."
"Slow down child, what's wrong?" Ingrid asks.
"He's so sad lately. It's like he's giving up, and I don't know how to help him. Can you help me?"
"I can only try. You must be Josh, the one who's kindness always confuses him. Let's see if together we can ease his journey."
).:.(<<
"You're just a mean old teacher prattling on and don't care," Megan states under her breath to Mrs. MacLoed.
Catching Megan's statement, Helen MacLeod turns around, "Thank you Ms. Flannigan. You can think on that more in the office, and you are to stay there until I speak with you after this class. On your way now."
After sending Megan to the office Helen has a hard time focussing on the lesson she is presenting. Megan's words rattle her to the core because she's been watching Neville more closely than ever, but in truth she has stopped getting involved. At the sound of the bell, Helen holds up some random handed-in assignments as a cover and calls out, "Mr. Regan, Mr. Wharton, a moment with you two, please."
Helen buzzes the office and has Megan sent back to her class room. Closing the door, she starts, "I know I'm just a mean old teacher who you think doesn't care, but look at yourselves. I have it on good authority that a less fortunate friend of yours just turned eighteen. He celebrated it by lighting a candle for himself in a church. Alone."
""I don't think that our personal business is any of yours," Megan protests, being the only one with the courage to speak up.
"No, you're quite right. I am overstepping my bounds here, but you of all people Ms. Flannigan? This winter, when you joined my class, you single-handedly pulled Neville out of his shell like no one else has. I'm sure his affection for you, Mr. Regan, had something to do with it too."
Bailey's eyes bulge.
"Don't be naive Bailey. It was clear as day, to a teacher that obviously doesn't care about her students, that you had taken over for Josh as his heart's desire. I never get the whole picture from my sister, who by the way is his Reverend, but I've learned enough of it. I don't know what he's ventured to share with any of you so I'll be blunt. Bailey, he has a crippling fear of rejection that stems from his abandonment. To see him finally grow earlier this year was exciting to say the least."
"He's not my problem anymore."
"Yes, I gather you two broke up. Again, I'm just a mean old teacher who doesn't know or care about her students, but I'm certain it has something to do with your sister's pregnancy. Well I can tell you this much. Trust me; he never wanted to become a father because he doesn't want to put a child through what he's gone through.
Bailey, I'm reaching out to you because I believe you have the capacity to understand that with his beaten psyche, an advance for sex, even with a girl, is too much for him. As much as he wanted to stop it, he became a passenger trapped inside his own body. That's not an excuse, his or mine, as I've never spoken directly with him about it. I've studied teenagers enough to know however, that after all the name-calling and spit balls and God only knows what else he's endured here for two years, the sudden acceptance that someone desires him would be too much.
He's sceptical to a fault, but your affection sent him on a better path. It literally changed his whole outlook and he wasn't prepared for the friendship or the affection you offered him. His fragile ego tried to keep up, but he's a very deliberate young man. He wasn't able to cope with all the emotions he'd once shut down suddenly flooding back into him. It sounds like an excuse but I'd stake my career on my reasoning. That someone desired him enough for sex, the ultimate acceptance after all the rejection he's faced, he couldn't say no."
Partly standing, partly sitting on a desk, Bailey shifts his body to fully sitting and turns so that Josh and Megan can't see his tears. Sorrow and regret overwhelm him even more than his hurt and anger over the betrayal. Every day he feels a pang in his chest when he sees Neville, but having his concerns vocalized by someone else makes them all too real to ignore.
Josh can't sit still. His decision to approach Reverend Francis kicked this whole ball of yarn into motion and now that it's rolling, he just hopes it's rolling in the right direction and doesn't unravel. He knows Neville is going to be mad at the slight betrayal of trust, but he doesn't know what to do anymore. Being a friend doesn't seem to be enough lately.
Watching her words sink into Bailey, Helen speaks gently to drive them home, "What I know for a fact from my sister is that he wanted to say no, and he hates himself for not being strong enough to resist the flattery he'd been presented. It's a demon he's accepted, and fatherhood is something he has more reverence to than a boy his age should, based on the situation he fled from. Just what that situation is, I have only my assumptions. I'm sure my sister knows a whole lot more, but it was her choice to agree to keep his burdens between him, herself, and God.
What I need to stress here Bailey, without dumping this on your shoulders, is that you have no idea how badly he's beaten himself up over his betrayal to you, even before you knew of it. He sees the child as a blessing, more for your sister and Megan, and as a purpose for himself. Yet, as much as he wants to do right by you all and even more so for the child, his betrayal of you is eating him away inside."
Bailey tries to compose himself, "I know. We've figured that out, but it doesn't change things. Can we go now?"
"Can you be his friend despite what he's done? He's not emotionally ready for a boyfriend, but he needs another friend or two again. I've worried over him for two years, but never as much as now. I'm worried about him now more than ever."
"Really? I mean like, no disrespect or anything, but what do you know about him. 'Cause sometimes it hits me that I dated him and love him, and I still don't know the first thing about him."
"For starters, he tries to intimidate people with his intellect. He's very well read and you all shy away from him when he purposely talks over you. Over the three years he's been in my class I've followed his rollercoaster; the more he draws into himself, the more he hides behind big words."
Josh shakes his head vehemently in agreement, "Tell me about it!"
"He has run very hot and cold on you Josh, from what I've seen over time. But you are the only person that grounds him. Somewhere in between blushing when he gets caught checking you out, and hating his station in life, he placed a high value on your constant, passive friendship."
"Oh no, I'm not gay Mrs. Mac," Josh defends before realising the disgust that carried in his voice and that it's not what Mrs. MacLeod was saying in the first place, "Not that it's a bad thing, being gay. Sorry Bailey. You know I don't care right?"
It always stings, but Bailey decides not to show it.
Megan cuts in, "And it only bothers us slightly that you're straight Josh. Get over yourself! I've fallen into a real-life episode of Degrassi here. Okay, so what's the deal with Nev, Mrs. M? What are we supposed to do?"
"Along the Degrassi lines, I'm risking my career to speak so candidly with you. Megan, clearly I know enough of the situation between you and Brooke, and that Neville is the father-to-be of your child. I also know that as the day gets closer, the only thing in his life that has any value to him at the moment is your forgiveness, Bailey. I truly agree with Josh that Neville's regret is getting close to letting that child be born without a father."
"How do you know? Did he tell you? Did he ask you to talk to me?"
"No. Not to boost my own ego, but Neville marvels at the hidden signs I see in things. It surprises him with child-like wonder when someone pierces his facade. While I don't believe he's counting on my perception, I am convinced he's wordlessly telling us that he's giving up."
Bailey agrees, "That's so him. That's so totally him. Like how he says something without ever really saying it, dancing around it until he knows you understand what he's really saying. Or how he admits to something by not objecting to or denying it, but still without ever using words to admit it. That's exactly what he's doing."
"Bailey, you go tell Pancakes what you want to, before he offs himself. Tell him he hurt you badly but you've forgiven him. Tell him how much you miss him and that you don't think you can handle sleeping together again just yet, but you do want him back as a friend and a boyfriend. I've forgiven him, and Brooke. It's time for you too. And c'mon, you know you're at least a little happy that he's the father our little Eli."
"Oh my God! It's a boy?" Bailey reveals his excitement before trying to take it back, "I mean, good. Whatever."
"I told Brooke not to tell me, that I couldn't keep my mouth shut, but she wouldn't listen. Yeah, it's a boy."
Bailey's happy that Neville is the father in many ways, but he still doesn't want to let on that he's in the least bit happy or excited about the coming child. He tries to change the subject back to Neville, another resolve he's wavering on, "I don't know. Every time I see Nev I don't know what to say, and he runs away."
Josh's ears instantly perked a moment ago at the mention of the name Eli and his head has since been elsewhere. He remembers Neville confessing so long ago that Eli was his real name. With a smile he playfully punches Bailey, "Know how to save his life? Tell him you're happy he's going to be Eli's father. The combination will stop him dead in his tracks."
Megan grabs Josh by his solid shoulders and shakes him, "What do you know? Spill! You know the significance of the name don't you?"
"Are you going to use it for sure?"
"Yeah. He asked Brooke to, just hours after they fucked. Oops, earmuffs Mrs. M? He asked that if they did get her pregnant to use Eli if it was a boy. She's haunted by the look on his face and how emotional he got when he asked her. The name grew on her and now she won't hear of anything else. What do you know about it?"
"Well, he's legal now either way, so I guess it's okay. I can't tell you more than this because I promised him, but Eli's his birth name. Besides, I honestly don't remember the rest. I swear. No word of a lie, I totally forgot even that until you just said it, but his real name from his old life is Eli. I'm sure of that."
Helen MacLeod tries to dig, "That's correct. What else do you know, Josh? Where does he live? Who does he live with? Despite the fact he hasn't been by the church recently, he's told my sister a lot, much more than she can ever reveal because she's bound by the cloth to keep his secrets. But I'm not bound by them. I can help."
"He's good, Ma'am. I really don't know that much, but what he did tell me once, he promised to jump off the Confederation Bridge and kill himself if I told anyone. He meant it too. He was really freaking me out so I'm not sharing anything more. He didn't really tell me much more anyways, other than he's thankful for the life he's had. I mean the life he has now, not the one he ran away from. At the time he actually didn't hate his life at all.
Oh, and he didn't do anything bad, before he ended up the way he is now. I don't remember if he actually said it or not, but he made sure I knew it was only because he's gay. Then he tried to take it all back the next day, even the part about being gay, but I could see he was just trying to save face, because he was sporting the world's biggest hickey from Bailey that day! He's going to be pissed at me for this."
"Then put it all on me. He's always been the stray cat with me, coming close for attention from time to time and then skittering away, worried I'll find out the truth. When I caught him returning a book he stole his first year, curiosity got the best of me and I went to pull his records from the office. He was in the computer, but only his marks for his subjects in grade 9 were entered. All his information had been sent from his old school, but was in a miscellaneous pile due to the name discrepancy. It didn't take long to piece together which file was his and get his real name, his address, his list of scholastic awards.
Calls to his parents went un-returned. Speaking with a faculty member at his old school confirmed that he had left to live with family, but I got a sense that was suspect. I went to a friend at child services, but he cautioned me to let things be. Sending a child home under those conditions never turns out well. Conversely, for a boy like Neville, if he is a street kid or living with a kind stranger, he would be better off. With top marks in your class, the respect to return a book that tempted him, even having read the book without so much as adding a mark to it, with his sexuality, a foster home would simply chew him up and spit him out. He's too fragile and sensitive; too good a person to have to fight back daily.
As long as he's eating and functioning, and not only motivated to attend school but keeping his grades higher than anyone else in the school, I was cautioned to let him be and merely help in small ways. Easier said than done; it took weeks alone for Josh to convince him to simply wear a coat some of the faculty bought for him! I have to say, I believe his infatuation with you Bailey, and Megan's incessant attempt to befriend him had such a buoying effect on him."
"Why didn't he ever tell me any of this? Like, maybe he roundabout told me some of it, but is he really homeless? You said he wasn't, Josh!"
"I told you, he's not homeless. He has a home, and everything he could need. Bathroom, shower, bed, privacy, heat and light. He doesn't eat like a king, but he only ever eats healthy food, and a ton of it nowadays too. And if he acts like a cat to you Mrs. Mac, it's probably because he has a cat too. A cute little thing named Mr. Whiskers. He's such a cat person, and a sucker for strays. Before Mr. Whiskers he had Miss Kitty at work, until he quit."
Remembering Neville's stray cat, Bailey's emotional wall collapses, "I'm going to tear him a strip when I see him!"
Mrs. MacLeod cautions, "Bailey, he's hurt, he's defeated. If you do, he very well could make good on his promise to Josh and jump the bridge. His back is in a corner. If it's all he has, he may see suicide as his only way to show you how sorry he is for what he's done. Not only is he in line for class valedictorian, he's looking like the top candidate for an award from the Premier's office given to the top ten students in the province, and even possibly a Governor General's scholarship that is only given to the very brightest in the country. He clearly wants to make something of his life, but it could all derail over his remorse towards you. All because he still loves you."
Josh drapes an arm over Bailey, "Dude, no matter how pissed you may still be at him, one little hug from you will save his life! Think about the power you hold in your hands. What would Yoda do? Be the bigger man and hug him or kiss him, and tell him you forgive him and you're happy he's the father-to-be of Eli. I know he's excited about being a father, but lately I do believe the only thing he cares about in his life is making things right with you. I wish I'd seen it before. Just watch out, he's likely to throw a punch or two."
Bailey smiles at Josh's reference to the Jedi Master, "Fine, you hold him then. You're stronger than me. I'll kiss him and tell him that. He has to know I do still love him, doesn't he?"
Megan scowls and starts tapping her foot, "Stupid boys. Even the gay ones are emotionally retarded. I don't think he knows. In fact I know he thinks you hate him with your every fibre."
"He's so blind."
Mrs. MacLeod agrees, "Precisely. Unlike Megan's stereotype, he is somewhat stunted. He is both mentally and emotionally scarred by his past, and now he doesn't know how to trust his feelings. That's about all Ingrid will shed any light on to me about him. He doesn't believe you can still love him."
"Well duh," Megan interrupts before kicking Bailey in the leg, "Quite frankly Bailey, you haven't given him any indication that he's wrong."
Feeling conflicted, Bailey raises his voice, "Why is this even about me? All the teachers getting together and telling me `have sex with Neville to save his life' sort of freaks me out! I don't want any of these people knowing I want to have sex with guys! Now my teachers know it! My teachers!"
Megan throws her head back incredulously, "Calm down boy! This became a thing about you when we had to move here after you decided you did want people knowing that you want to have sex with guys. Remember? And besides, I'm sure your gym teacher knew you like the boys on your first day."
"That's not something we discuss Bailey. Like I said earlier, I can lose my job for getting involved. Putting Neville into the system wasn't the right thing either. Now that Davis Millar is gone, I could lose my job for keeping my question of his home secret, and indicating otherwise to the school. Yet I do stand by my decision to dupe the powers-that-be. I'm not asking you to have sex with him or get back together with him, all I'm asking is that you look within yourself and find the strength and courage to tell him you forgive him, even if you don't. Every time you look at your nephew will be a reminder of your kindness or hardness of heart towards Neville here today."
.:.(<<
The following weekend, while sitting on a planter box and waiting for Neville to come out from his job at the pharmacy, Bailey constantly reconsiders what he's doing, `I'm an all or nothing guy. I do want Neville back in my life badly, but I just don't see how it will happen. No matter what he does, I'll never fully trust him again for the betrayal and the secrecy. Likewise, I'm sure he'll never fully open up to me anyways.'
As the argument wages in his head, he's surprised when Neville comes around the corner from a rear entrance with a zip-lock container of leftover food.
Neville is just as startled as he tries to hide the obvious food container behind his back and spits, "Here because all of sudden you're worried about me too, or is something wrong with Brooke?"
"Brooke's fine. She's happy now that I'm talking to her. She's still a bitch though, so go with your first instinct."
Neville looks away from Bailey, "At least you don't deny it."
Bailey gets up from the planter box, "Nev, we all hurt. Maybe it's time we hurt together?"
Neville starts walking, "Uh, no. Screw this intervention. I mean really, what the hell are you people, der Gestapo?"
"What?"
Realising he can't head to his illegal home in Bailey's basement, Neville heads towards the arena. To Bailey's question he repeats, "Der Gestapo."
"Yeah, I hear you. You can say it even louder and slower if you want but I still don't know what you're saying."
"The Nazi's super-secret internal police. They were like the witch-hunters within their own military. Remember that book last year, Animal Farm? It inspired some of us to learn more history. Anyways, this is just some pity party because of Mrs. MacLeod isn't it?"
"Word is you're suicidal, it makes a guy realize how selfish and petty he is. I'm sorry I've been an ass to you."
"Don't be. You have every right to feel betrayed. As for the suicide thing? I do believe in natural selection; if someone truly feels the only happiness they can achieve in their life is in their death, who are we to judge them? I think it's sad that people can be driven to that by other people. Don't worry your heart of gold over me though. Yeah, I'm sad, depressed maybe, but I don't plan on checking out any time soon.
Things are shitty, but I have a pact with The Man upstairs that He's only going to see my sorry ass before His gates when He decides I'm done with this life, and not a second sooner. God as my witness, I'm going to atone for my trespasses with every wondrous day I'm given on this blessed earth. I will do some good here before I check out."
"So faith in your religion gets you by?"
"No. Faith in me gets me by. Religion is just a presence in my life."
"Oh. C'mon, lets head to my place, or do you hate me now?"
"No, but I got a lot of homework dumped on me Friday, and I still have to work on some."
"Okay. Well, I tried."
"Fuck Bailey, don't do this all over again, okay? Please? I'm not giving you the brush off. Having two weekend jobs and four intense courses doesn't give a guy much time when all four of my teachers decide to hit me with assignments on the same weekend."
"How about you come by when you're done, or do you think it'll be after you clean the arena?"
"No, it'll be before then. I don't do that anymore."
"Oh. Well are you going to come by mine or do I come with you?"
"Home is even more complicated now, and I need a few good hours without distraction. Definitely your place."
"Come over tonight then. To talk," Bailey says and turns to head home.
"Bailey?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks. I've missed you so much. Tonight. I'll be there."
).:.(<<
Climbing the fire escape with Bailey watching him, Neville feels like he's walking up his personal gallows. Getting to the top he smiles, "You're looking all bad-ass in your Star Wars pyjama pants and dangling a cigarette."
Pulling at the pants to try and hide any outline of his crotch through the material in a futile attempt, Bailey defends his pyjamas, "Hey, don't be hating The Phantom Menace. I'm a believer that it's part of the story that had to be told. If Episode 2 sucks, then maybe. But it's George Lucas, there's just no way it can possibly suck."
"Batman's still better," Neville says under his breath.
Stepping inside, Bailey whispers, "You're sleeping on the pull out for that one!"
"Oh. I didn't know I was sleeping over, I didn't bring anything to sleep in. It's hard to know what you have in mind nowadays. And if I'm staying over, the pullout is better anyways. At least until we figure out where we are and where we're going. Plus, it's easier for you to hide me if you decide to kill me in my sleep."
"I didn't say it earlier, I've missed you too. Badly," Bailey professes as he hands Neville a pair of shorts.
As Bailey slips under his covers, Neville steps out of his jeans and slides the shorts over his tattered boxers. He takes his tee-shirt off but leaves on his long sleeve shirt, "It's cold. I'm leaving this on."
Bailey lifts his blanket, "Warm up with me. I can see you've put on some more weight, and as you can see, so have I. If you don't mind cuddling up with a fat guy, I wouldn't mind you wrapping your healthy body around me. Maybe get to see what I can't have, now that you have some muscles over your bones. It looks like you've grown taller since before the summer too."
"Yeah I have; it's seriously got to stop soon. I was six foot six when Josh measured me for kicks. Dad was only six-four I think, and Little Mike was maybe an inch more. As for you, you're still cute and sexy and adorable to me."
"Enough that you can hold me just tonight and then we can go work on being just friends?"
"I guess we can cuddle, but nothing more. I'm going to beat it into your thick skull one way or another. You can do better than me, I don't deserve you."
"No, you're right, you don't. But Little Eli's dad should at least be friends with his uncle."
"Eli?"
Bailey lightly hugs Neville, "Oh yeah, that would be your son who'll soon be with us."
Neville breaks down crying, "Really? A boy? They're going to name him Eli?"
"Yeah. Damn, you feel good. Maybe someday...ah, never mind. Just be good and keep your hands to yourself?"
"I'm too afraid to touch you now. I don't ever want you to hurt again because of me. I swear to God Almighty, I won't touch you. When you wake in the morning you'll be alone and unmolested," he says, then repeats, "A boy!"
"Yeah, a boy. So, I guess it's also a good thing we didn't celebrate your phony birthday right before you went away for the summer, seeing as it was really sometime just recently."
"Yeah, November 22nd. I had to dance around that with you before I left. Now I'm finally eighteen for real, and my own legal guardian for the rest of my life. That one was truly a lie. Sorry."
"Lots of white lies and half truths later, I have to admit I'm curious what your real story is."
"Give me some time, I'll give you the whole story. For now you know bits and pieces, like you're solving a rebus."
"A what now?"
"Rebus. A picture puzzle. Like you name for instance could be a bale of hay and then there would be a plus sign and then an E. When you sound it out you get your name."
"Oh yeah, one of them things. I think you're more like a jigsaw puzzle to me, complete with missing pieces."
"We'll change that. I swear on my life. For now, in case you're wondering where it comes from, Eli's my birth name. I liked the name, but it doesn't fit on me anymore. Since I left home, I really feel like I am Neville now. In the morning we'll talk some more, let's just watch the rest of your T.V. show and then I'll crash on your couch. I have to get up early to hit home and grab a change of clothes before school though; do you want me to wake you before I go?"
"Na, maybe I'll hang with Josh and you in the weight room at lunch if that's cool?"
"Uh, yeah, Cool!"
[to be continued]