Dedication: Sadly this one's for another new angel. Casey; you know I never accused you of ever fully being on your rocker, but your free spirit inspires those you touched. You are missed.
"Midnight Blue, So lonley with you, Dreams fed by the memories, Oh let the music play.
Midnight Blue, Those treasured thoughts of you, Gone now and forever, Please let the music play."
In the Shadows of Our Lives Part 1 - On Broken Wings VI ~ May Day ~
Dear Journal:
It's May Day. The first of May. Now a full month to the day since I first saw Chris.
On this Thursday night I have nothing to do as Tim's busy with the school baseball team. They're playing a tournament this coming weekend and he is in the doghouse with his coaches and incredibly busy after bailing out early last week and skipping practice the week before.
Tim told me about the deal with his family moving finally. It was bothering him for a bit and I guess I can see why he didn't want to tell me. I know, believe me, I know. It's not like I handle news of this sort without flying off the handle. But that's with good reason I would say! Is there anything wrong with being cautiously skeptical? It's a left turn from my usual being sarcastic bordering on cynical I know, but I can have more than one way of coping with life can I not?
Anyhow, he is adamant that he is staying and that his parents are helping him find a place to live for our senior year. I have no reason to doubt him if I am not playing devil's advocate. So intrinsically I guess I'll trust him and leave it at that. For now, that is. I'd rather hide from that coming bullet for as long as I can, but I know the hammer's cocked and the trigger's close to being pulled on it. Oh well. I can't really do anything about it so why think about it?
I've talked to my guidance counselor at school a bit about the program with that school in Canada. Call it mild curiosity. She gave me the information she has and is going to get me more information on the deal and what is really required. In the mean time I have the internet.
But who can think about that right now? What really is bothering me at the moment is why the hell did Nat have to hit on me that night? That really has me pissed lately to be fully honest because I still don't know what the fallout from it is yet. I mean there I am being as neutral to girls as I can possibly attempt to get away with and still profess heterosexuality. And along comes Nat rocking my frail boat. I mean like c'mon, I didn't do anything to give her an idea that I was interested. For her own amusement she has to go and ask me out, putting me in a defensive position of having to come up with a good reason as to why I don't want to go out with her while not giving away the real reason.
And Tim. What is up with him? If Nat's such a good catch then why doesn't he have her tied up? I have someone, it's just not a girlfriend. But Tim, he's free game. Yeah Tim should hook up with her and get her off of my back because I don't need the attention she's caused. The other option is to accept her offer to date her and pretend, but that level of deception is just not in me. Too much effort and I'd have to touch her.
Now, Chris on the other hand, hmmm. What is going on there, you ask? Like I know! I'm feeling like a passenger in my body when it comes to Chris. Not quite like auto-pilot though. No, it's more like I'm at the wheel but have no control over the steering or brakes. I'm just sitting here and riding this one out.
There are tons of things I like about him for sure. There are also a few things that I would change. But I don't think I have fallen for him. It feels different than with Daniel. In some ways it feels better, but in some ways worse. I might feel hollow, or am maybe being shallow, but I'm not really putting a lot of effort into him and things are turning out great anyways. Go figure. By contrast, I threw my everything into Daniel and it blew up in my face. Maybe this is how things are supposed to be?
One definite roadblock I have hit is that we are both bottoms. I want to bottom and he always manipulates me into topping. In a month we've had sex more times than Daniel and I did in our years together. Sex is great, but it sure does cheapen the image of what I thought it should be all about.
Do I love him? Let's not go there. All I'll say to that is that I don't know, because quite frankly I don't. With Daniel I knew. It was an ache inside me. An ache that still yearns for Daniel in fact. That I know is love. What I feel for Chris is marginal in comparison. It's just not the same. So what is it? Don't know, and really, don't care. That's it I guess. I am emotionally not ready to move on and as nice as Chris is I think to be honest I am going to push him to the sidelines sooner than later. But he is sweet. He is really good to me. Fuck, having said that I'm torn! So you see Journal, it's best to just not test those waters either. Yup, repress, deny, whatever works to keep the status quo and let me carry on as best as possible. For now. One day I'll be ready. Just not yet.
Anyhow, it's been a gorgeous day and tonight I am all alone. Mom is working late, fixing month end at the liquor store. Deanna and Scott are at his place, Candace is out with some friends and Lacey has been seeing some slimy guy for a couple weeks now and is with him a lot of the time. Tim has baseball. Neil is busy with the baseball team too, and Tania is babysitting or something. Chris is doing something last-minute for a school group assignment with Bobbie tonight and then getting ready to go to New York City for the weekend with his dad.
So it's just you and me Journal. Haha, of course tonight before you and me, there was a good deal of just me time too! Yeah, more just me time than I can honestly remember is recent history! This place is never empty!
Thankfully Bandit isn't about to get grossed out if she walks in on me and she sure can't tell anyone on me! No, as big as she's getting she was probably still just all too busy destroying a pair of shoes right then anyhow. (Speaking of her, she is a funny looking Rotweiler if I do say so with a tail and floppy ears. Just like her breeder, I've left her au-natural rather than mutilating her tail and ears.) So anyhow, getting back to my story, I enjoyed my rare privacy with the ever present caution of jumping at every sound in the quiet house, not wanting to get caught in the act if someone does come home.
Afterwards, around 7:30 I scan the channels but don't find anything of interest. I search for a Dallas Stars game on TV but they aren't playing tonight. I know Dallas won it last year, and they're looking good this year. Because they are here in the lone star state and everyone at school seems to have their jerseys this year I want to get a Calgary Flames jersey with my favourite player. Yeah, if a customized jersey didn't cost over a hundred bucks.
So instead I figure on seeing who's online. The only people online on my MSN Messenger are a guy named Doug from a few of my classes but we don't ever message anymore and Phil, but I've had him blocked since his cousin Michael attacked Daniel with the bat back on Valentine's Day. Yeah, I can see he's online but he can't see me anymore. I should just delete him, but I like snooping on him. It's payback for him ditching me. Prick!
I'm thinking of going to the boring AIM site and checking out who's chatting from Houston in there, but I figure fuck it, I might as well see if there is anyone I really can talk to. I've stumbled across Gay.com enough to be curious about it. Maybe see what's up in Vancouver. Although I don't really harbour any hope of moving to Vancouver whatsoever, it is a growing obsession. It is an entirely different country after all. Seeing as I am now telling people that I am running away to it after graduation I actually do want to learn more about it and Canada!
So Journal, let's give 'er a go. Eh! Jon.
).:.(<<
I type in www.Gay.com. It's popped up on different sites I've been on. Quite frankly I might as well try the site out because, well, if I haven't had my porn discovered on the computer yet then I know I'm covering my traces well. So I go to the site. I don't know what it's all about but I click on one tab and another and then I am asked for a region to chat in. Sha right! Like I'm going to out myself to anyone who might recognize me here in Houston. On a whim I put in St. Louis. I enter the room and I look for Daniel. Nothing. I check another. I see some hot guys, and a lot of fuglies. Boring. My heart sinks because I somehow just felt that Daniel would be there tonight and I could talk to him. So I exit the room and close the internet explorer.
I reconnect and try my intended destination. Canada. Vancouver. There are too many to choose from. I am incredibly nervous. For the first time I am going to enter a room rather than scan to see who's in them. I click on the Vancouver Pos. I guess those are the nice people. As soon as I open the room a window pops up.
"Hi," is my big opening line.
Another window pops open. It's smaller than the first one. I guess he's one of the people in the room and has private messaged me. I can see a picture of the guy. He's older and has tattoos and his shirt off in it. Kinda creepy looking really. "Hi back! A S L?" He asks.
"Huh?" I ask. I'm guessing it's a suburb of Vancouver, but I don't know Vancouver. I check Mapquest as quick as I can to see if there is an area that fits that acronym.
"A S L?" He restates.
I'm just getting to the map right now, so I buy some time, "Just a sec."
"O.K. Hit me up when you're not busy." He offers.
I'm scanning over the map. I can find a lot of things, but do you think I can find anything that fits A S L? Haha, nope. "Sorry. I'm not from Vancouver. I don't know where that is." I reveal.
He responds, "Vancouver? It's in Canada, near the U.S. border with Seattle. Where are you from?"
"Around." I reply; it's all I care to share.
"Around is a big place! LOL."
I'm not stupid, I know my geography enough to know that Canada is north of us. Duh, it's in the land of snow! In fact I'm looking at a map of it right now! So I explain, "I know where Vancouver is silly, I just don't know where A S L is."
"ROTFL." I get back.
Rolling on the floor laughing over what? Whatever, this guy is a dick. I close the window.
It pops back open, he asks, "A ge? S ex? L ocation?"
Hmm. Well. That's what A S L means! Creep, like I'm telling you. "Oh! 17, male, not near you." I answer.
"You're in Houston." My computer flashes.
Click, click! I close the window with him and then the one with the chat room. Can people automatically see where I live by where I've logged on from?
The guy pops back up, I thought I closed that conversation. He responds, "Fine. Hahaha. C Ya L8er twink. Good Luck."
"What?" I try to ask but I get a message that he is either offline or has blocked me. And just what is a twink?
Whatever. I reenter the room and scroll the 7 guys that are in the room. I click on the one guy that looks nice.
"Hi. How are you?" I ask.
He shoots back, "Hi! I'm good. You? A S L?"
"17, male, Texas." I reveal, if people can somehow find out where I'm from anyhow I'm hoping maybe Texas is ambiguous enough.
"LOL! Don't mess with Texas! What's up Tex? That's a shame by the way."
What? What's a shame? That I live in Texas? "Oh, man don't you know it! Total homophobes here. I wish I lived somewhere else."
He corrects me, "LOL. No, it's a shame you're pos at such a young age. How'd you get it, if you don't mind my asking?"
Huh? What's this guy talking about? I fire back, "How'd I get what?"
"AIDS. You're pos right?" He inquires.
"Do you mean do I have Aids?" I ask.
"Yeah."
Weirdo! Um, don't think so! I'm confused, "Oh. No, I don't. Why do you think I have Aids?"
"Cuz you're here." He says.
"OH! I didn't know gay.com was only for people with Aids. Thought it was for gay people in general. Sorry for my ignorance. Sorry you have Aids too." I type.
I'm about to close the site down and as I get through one or two windows in the process he offers me some friendly help, "You must be new here. Try the regular rooms, POS rooms are for HIV POSitive people. It's so that we can meet other positive people."
"OH SHIT! Sorry! I thought POS meant like happy people." I explain.
"LOL. Happy? Yeah, were all gay, but you might find more luck and kids your age in one of the regular rooms. One word of advice tho. You're young and new here, don't give out any personal information."
"Thanks." I say. I feel like a knob. This guy has AIDS and I went into that room because I thought it was for positive people, like nice and happy kinda positive people, not people that have AIDS. And don't give out any personal info? Somehow I already have. That last guy knew where I live.
"You're welcome. Good luck sweetie! And always PLAY SAFE!" He says.
I close the chat and debate logging off. If people can tell where I live somehow what else do they know? I didn't use my full name when I created my nick name. So people can't really meet me online, look through my information I provided, and know it's me. This obviously is important in case someone I know is here too. I don't have any pictures and I don't have profile. I'm just a name right?
I think I have the better of the situation after stressing out, so I stay and try to find a normal room. There are two for Vancouver so I go into Vancouver 1. There are 48 people in the room and I get a ton of pop up windows as soon as I enter the room. I click through them looking for someone who is good looking and has a nice bio. I figure a nice smile in a picture says something about the guy and is the kind of guy I want to talk to. I mean I have to have some sort of system to this so that is what I'll go with. I stop on one, the guy in the picture is pretty hot and he has an amazing smile. He looks my age. Bonus when I realize it says male 17, Nanaimo! He is my age! And I love nanaimo bars.
His message is, "Hi Lonely Star. Why so lonely?"
"Hi Evan1983. Not lonely really, just bored. You?" I type.
He quipps, "Ah. The lament of every gay guy. Bored. A S L?"
"17 m, Texas."
I am a fast typer, but he is lightning fast, "Ah. Lone-ly Star = Texas. I should have known. BTW, I'm 17 too since you asked. And Nanaimo is just across the ferry from Vancouver. I'm on an island. Got a pic?"
I didn't ask, but he's kinda witty so I like him. I don't even get a chance to type a message to him and he has already typed me 3 more; "Face-pic?" "Faceparty?" "Face-link?"
Is he like some predator that you hear about in the news that is really 40 and rapes and murders kids? He's cutting to the chase pretty quickly. I inform, "No pic, and Nope, nope, and nope to answer the rest."
He sends me a link, "Oh well, I'm user_B_ware17@face.whatever.com. Check me out."
As I click on the link and his personal page comes up he adds, "My name's Evan BTW. Your's?"
I figure it can't hurt telling him my first name. There are millions of John and Jon's in this world right? So I answer, "Jon."
"Nice to meet you Jon. How's about that pic?"
"I don't have one posted anywhere. Sorry." I message.
"Damn! Too bad. :( Oh well, no biggie."
Then I start to scan his page. He's 5'6" 120 with dark brown hair and highlights. Judging by the picture his teeth are bright white. I don't know what it is but his smile in every picture is very engaging, very welcoming. His says his background is an eighth Asian. The only things that I can pick out are the almost black irises and maybe the general shape of his eyes. His skin might be a slight bit darker than the average white boy but that might just be a tan too. I don't know.
He states that he is totally out because even a deaf and blind person could figure him out. He finishes his bio by saying that he is a hopeless romantic and seeking friends but is also very promiscuous at the present time so if he interests any of us to drop him a line. Overall I find him very alluring. By the picture he doesn't look gay. He just looks like another guy, maybe an extremely good looking guy, but there are thousands of heartthrob guys that are straight. Not that I'd call him a heartthrob, he's pretty ordinary looking, just like me. He looks no different to me. I think that's what I like about him. He looks normal. Not ugly, not gorgeous, just average. Then, maybe it's his warm smile, I don't quite know, but I feel a compulsion to get to know him.
We talk back and forth for a bit. We talk about Vancouver, Houston, stereotypes about people in our cities, states and countries and other general misconceptions about our people. No, he doesn't play hockey. He tells me that in Canada they don't have states; they have provinces, but the same idea applies. I find out about their school system and get a lot of good ideas about the University there and housing and whatnot. Evan directs me where to look on Mapquest and sends me picture after picture of him at various places around the city as he tells me what areas to click on. Vancouver really looks like a picturesque place.
He asks me to switch over to MSN Messenger so we do. There we talk a while longer. He asks me to use my web cam. I didn't even know we had one but it shows up as available on the MSN Messenger window. I look at the chords behind the computer and find a web cam on the floor tucked up right behind the computer. Hmmm. What has Candace or Lacey been up to? Still, I am reluctant to at first because he says he is using a laptop in some internet café and doesn't have one attached for me to be able to see him back. Eventually I give in.
We get to talking about sex and our experiences. He tells me about his first experience at the age of 13 with a neighbourhood guy that was 16 at the time and he still sees from time to time. I tell him about my first time in return. Where I have had sex with 2 guys now, he contends that he has had anal with at least a couple dozen guys now and fooled around with twice, maybe three times that many more. I sheepishly ask him what that one guy meant when he called me a twink, and Evan explains that it basically refers to a young good looking gay male, usually either not legal yet or barely legal. I get a dictionary of terms like Bears, Leather Daddies, Queens, and Femmes. I learn the technical terms for Spooning, Rimming, and other things to avoid like Felching, Snowballing, Water Sports and Scat. He then tells me some very intense experiences and some of the places he's had sex. He tells me about one guy he refers to as a Chicken Hawk and another that he uses as a Sugar Daddy.
At first I think he is either flat out lying or stretching the truth. Even with the dim lighting I am in, as he can tell I am blushing he apologizes and candidly reveals to me that he currently is a bit of a slut and is just enjoying the ride. I don't know what to say in response to that. He explains that he has a boyfriend but is sleeping around with an ex-boyfriend of his again and that he has been meeting a 24year old lately for sex only too. He is 2 hours behind me so at 9:00 p.m. for me it is still 7:00 for him. At that point he tells me that he liked talking with me and hopes to stay in touch. We add each other to our contact lists. I figure I'll never chat with him again, but I go for it anyhow. He then says that he hopes I don't judge him too harshly for his current lifestyle and says that he guesses he got stood up and has to get back to the ferries ASAP if he is going to get one home.
After lengthy consideration I decide to leave him on my buddies list. He was definitely good conversation and I had a lot of laughs and fun chatting with him and as I look at his pictures more I do think he is sorta cute really after all. He isn't drop dead gorgeous because he still looks like a boy but the man in him is starting to assert itself and I think he will be good looking. So partly because I am thinking with my dick, partly because I am thinking in some strange manner that I somehow I feel gratified by his bothering to chat with me for so long, I decide to keep him on the list. After a quick personal session on another website that Evan suggested, I wipe up and go back to the Vancouver chat room.
This time the room is even more full. I get a couple hits as soon as I enter the room and before I can salute the whole room by typing a hello in the main window a couple more pop up still. Scanning them over I don't want to play the ASL game right away and exit the room. I've exited the chat room when another window pops up. This one is different.
This guy's opening line states, "Hey! I'm not in the actual chat room...I get it if you won't chat with guys that aren't in the room."
I didn't know you could do that, so if for no reason other than that I am curious as to how, I'm game to talk with him. I check out his stats right away.
He seems like a nice fun guy. He says he lives somewhere in the Rainbow Kingdom. Is that an area of his city? I make a mental note to ask him about that. His favourite food is pizza, his favourite colour is indego. He has a very PG yet seductive shot of him with no shirt and his pants sitting low on boxers that are also riding as low as possible. What I do find interesting aside from the picture is his bio, more specifically his quote. In it he says that he tries very hard to not be flamboyant but it is just who he is and won't repress his heart and mind.
For his favourite sport he wrote in `The one in gym class where everyone yells at you to shoot a ball in a net or over a net or something. Maybe you use a bat or a stick for it? I don't know, do you know? So yeah, that one. NOT! Hockey is life! Also soccer, waterpolo, swimming, baseball and curling'. He's a sci-fi fantasy fan I assume because his favourite writers are Sir Thomas Malory and Aldous Huxley, his favourite T.V. show is Roswell and his favourite movie is Gattica. His favourite person is his brother.
I message him back, "I'll only chat if you're not a creep."
"OMG! I am so not a creep. Should I be worried you are?"
"Hardly. Just a normal guy here."
"Kewl. Normal's good. Just so you know, I'm also underage. So if that's a problem I get it."
"Not a problem. But do you even want to talk? You're giving me every chance to ditch you."
"Jus bein upfront. Won't even ask you what you're packin up front. Don't want you're stats, just here to chat."
"Kay. I like you then. I'm 17, so I guess I'm underage too."
"Now who's trying to ditch who, Lonely Star!?!"
"Nah, not ditching you, just doing the whole disclosure thing too."
"Kewlies. So what's yer story Tex?"
"Not sure. Everyone knows I'm Texan and I can't make out a thing about them by their names and I don't know the first thing about Vancouver other than some of you commute on ferries."
"What do you want to know about me? I'm 17, male, semi-closeted and live in the Greater Vancouver Area."
"What does your nick stand for? CosmicJoke04?"
"Uh, you promise you're from Texas?"
"Promise."
"Well, I'll never know fosho if ur lying. I'm a leap baby. Born on Feb 29th. I feel like it's a big cosmic joke. My best friends never let me forget that I'm really only 4. And I'm left handed in a right handed world."
"Kay. Sorry you get screwed outta cake and presents 3 outta 4 years."
"As if. I just have to wait to March 1st. So I'm here because I like to talk with guys like me who like guys, cause I don't talk to my friends about it. They probably know but it never comes up. My bro and parents know, my best friend and two other people, but I'm otherwise a secret. You?"
"Had a BF. He had to move. Have a new BF that goes to another school. He and his friends are the only ones that know about me. Oh and my mom's BF knows too. That's it, that's all."
"Huh. Did your mom's bf do something to you?"
"Eww. No. He's like my Vice Principal and was my ex's football coach. That's how he found out. He's totally cool. He started dating my mom because they got close when he was looking out for me."
"Random! Oh, my girlfriend knows too."
"Now that's random. Do explain?"
"Well, Yvonne's kinda figured out I like dick. She's one of the other two people I mentioned...She's a really good friend, and her cousin Xadia is dating my best friend Benji. Yvonne's not a Lesbo, she jus really doesn't want a real bf so we make it work. We love each other, just not that way. What she doesn't know is that my best friend Benji and I have had sex a lot over the years and I love him so badly."
"Heavy."
"Yeppers. Sorry. I come here to talk about it and forget that people don't really want to know your true emotions. So how about you? How's the new bf?"
"Chris? He's alright. I don't love him though. Daniel I did. Still do, but what can you do? He left and hasn't written or called. Hasn't returned any emails and never goes on MSN. I guess he needs a clean start. There, now you're not the only one sharing your heart. So what does your friend that you have sex with feel for you? He likes to give it to the ladies but take it from you?"
"No, actually, he only gives it to me. I think he loves me too, but he wants to be straight. He's convinced he's straight. So lately I don't sleep with him. I don't want to make him choose, cause I know he'll choose to be straight and cut me out."
"Sorry bud. Seems like a raw deal. Does he know how you feel about him?"
"Fully completely, yeah. He ignores it. It's just always been that way. He loves me like a brother and wants me to be happy, so we'd have sex together. He's totally into the sex. But then he rationalizes it as just being a friend to a friend in need."
"Oh. That sucks."
"Tell me about it. So I am seeing this other guy on the side, Adam. It's just sex, but it's good sex. I think Benji knows but I don't care. I can't only ever bottom. I need to be able see stars while slapping my hips against a great ass too!"
"Haha. You should come over here! Chris and I are both total bottom bois!"
And so we talk until it's past midnight for me or 10:00 Pacific time. I really needed to be getting to bed so I tell him I'm going to sign off. We agree that we liked each other's perspectives and trade MSN addresses. Where Evan mostly only talked about sex with me, by contrast this guy barely touches on it at all.
This guy was talking about feelings, emotions and real life situations, and over the course of the almost three hours my personal favourite; music! We have a lot of common music interests. And the kicker for me, he plays guitar and bass in a band with his friends just for fun. Often he and one of those guys take their acoustic guitars to school and play in the student area in good weather and in the halls in bad weather.
I finally dropped him my name, "Hey, before you go, my name Jon."
"So I see, Jon Farrows. It's on your hotmail account, but thanks all the same. My hotmail account is for Sum Yung-Guy, so I should prolly tell ya my name too. Don't tell on me? I'm Duncan. I was named after a town nearby. Duncan McKerracher. Ack no, I nay be Scottish other'n ta name laddie!"
"Kay freak, have a good night :)"
"Whatev! You know the imaginary boy with my pic that you fist yourself to in a few minutes is going to have a Scottish brogue now. Like Sean Connery but like 80 years younger or so."
"That's for me to know and you to find out."
"Yeah, we'll my fantasy tonight may just have a Texan accent. Not that I do that sort of thing. But if I did, tonight's fantasy would be a Texas Ranger."
"What accent?"
"Um, you're Texan one."
"I don't have an accent."
"Yeah, me either. Nor does Arnold Schwarzenegger or the Queen of England. We all sound exactly alike. No accent, you're hilarious!"
"Thanks. I'm sure you have an accent too."
"Of course I do. Hey, Ima email you a couple songs. Same song actually. Two versions, one Canadian, one for their American release. I won't say which is which, give 'em a listen, tell me what you think later. They're Canadian, but based on who you like I think they're up your ally."
"Sweet, the gift of new music is definitely one key to my heart! You rock Dunny!"
"LOL, that's cute Jiffy. Ima send them both right now."
"Jiffy?"
"Yeah, if ur callin me Dunny Ima call u Jiffy."
"Why Jiffy?"
"Your initials JF. Jiffy. Benji's here, gotta jet, TTYL :)"
"Ah, gotcha! 'Nite Dunny. Definately TTYS :)"
[to be continued]
Dear Reader:
Sorry for the delay in posting this. I'd still love to hear from you whenever you happen to read this; comments, constructive criticism and general feedback are always happily accepted. Please write me if you feel so inclined at: phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
Want to know more about Duncan? His tale is unfolding in another story in the High School section, titled In This Cruel World.