This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Copyright 2009 Jade. All Rights Reserved. Do not post, copy, or use this story in any manner without my permission.
Questions? Care to share what you think? Always love to hear from you at: phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
Dedication : This one's for you Shadow.
"I see her face a stranger And a life that slowly fades Lost inside my anger I close my eyes and pray And was it love they sold you If this takes a thousand years And you know that I'll hold you for a day We could drift away - beneath the shining water We could drift away - to the oceans in my heart."
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In the Shadows of Our Lives Part 1 - On Broken Wings XI ~ Heart to Hearts [Hold Me Now] ~
Dear Journal:
School's out and all is boring. It's already the third week of summer vacation. Uggh. I mean I love the weather but this summer is going to be pretty crappy. Tim is gone. Candace, Lacey, and Deanna are gone. I thought bad things happen in threes. Oh wait, yeah, Lacey being gone isn't really a bad thing. Haha! Sure, I love her and all, but she's best handled in small doses. Last week was good I guess. About all I did was get high with Kevin a handful of times and hang out with Neil for an afternoon. Otherwise I managed to hide away from the world.
So yeah, Tim drove Candace to Panama City where she boarded the ship she's going to be living and working on for the next year. She called before the ship set off and we had a good talk about what Tim means to me. Then he gave me a call when he got to his new home in New Orleans. He made a point to call and let me know he got there fine, and for my part I actually told him I missed him. That's a huge admission for me. He also said to let him work some things out, promising he'll be back for school. I want to believe, really, I do.
Chris, Larry and I moved all of the stuff that Tim couldn't pack into the car over to Larry's place. It's the first time I've been over to Larry's house. He had suggested that Tim could stay the school year there instead of giving up after the apartment, and move there right now rather than going to New Orleans. Tim thanked him for the offer and said he'd think about it but declined for the mean time.
Still, Larry thinks that having his stuff still here in Houston will be enough of an anchor to get Tim to change his mind. I sure hope so. Hell, he'll have to at the very least sleep on a pull out couch in New Orleans until he figures out how to move his stuff if he decides to stay there. And he left some valuable stuff behind, both moneywise and sentimentally.
As for my home, with the girls gone now we're going to clear out the rooms and move Candace's stuff over to Larry's for now too. Larry basically lives here full time now, and he's going to help turn the girl's room into a real bedroom for me and Deanna's room back into a dining room. Not sure how I feel about moving upstairs. I'm going to have to sleep on the other side of a wall from Ma and Larry. Damn, goodbye privacy!
Candace also overheard Ma and Larry talking about Ma going down to one job. It's too bad that this is just now happening as all her daughters recently left home. I guess that extra attention will also be foisted upon me when she isn't busy with Larry. Just what I wanted; sneaking around with Chris will be all the harder!
It's strange, but with Tim gone now too I am rethinking Neil. We are friends, and like Tim, Daniel wasn't my only link to him. But I gravitated to Tim more. I guess I am just a horny teenager who wanted to be with the better looking guy. Not to say that Neil was free a tenth the amount of time that Tim was. Tania always has Neil tied down with something. Kevin calls the two collectively Ball and Chain.
I played baseball yesterday with Neil, Kevin and a group from school. No Paul Hunter. Kevin also likes to play basketball, but I really, really am awkward at that so all summer long I'm going to have to be fighting him on doing something else. I wish I had my pool because then we could all just veg in it.
Aside from that I don't feel like Tim is gone. I think Larry is right. He wants to stay here badly so that he can finish school here. Larry explained the College Draft to me and I guess that Tim has some agreement with Bowling Green University. I never understood it so I never really listened to Tim and Neil arguing over what college to go to. But to keep it available, it is best for Tim if he plays ball here for his last year. That in itself I think is enough to make him come back. Plus he grew up here and loves Houston. His sister and brothers are young enough to make the change easily enough but he seemed real defeated when he thought about the prospects of having to start fresh in New Orleans.
It's kinda like the way he tried to keep Kevin from feeling when he moved here. I just got a good vibe like Tim wanted to accept Larry's offer outright to stay at his place, but he is proud and trying to act like a man and stand on his own two feet. That's the opinion that Larry offered to me from his vast experience as a mentor to teenage boys anyway, and I wholeheartedly have embraced it. Somehow if we all chip away at Tim I'm sure we'll have him back for the supposedly best year of school and our lives before we have to move on to a more `real world'.
Neil's parents already put out an offer for him to share a room with Neil. But their house is crammed like mine, and Tim has told me in secret that he'd rather not. Then again, come to think of it my house is hardly crammed anymore. Maybe I'll offer for him to live with us if he can tolerate my beaten down old house.
Anyhow Journal, in a more real sense (although metaphorically) I'm at the end of a hallway. Three doors to choose from.
A door to the left that leads to a pleasant distraction that I know is fantasy. The fantasy is that no one thinks I'm gay or that I have a boyfriend, and that Chris will be happy letting me live this way with him as my dirty little secret forever. No one looks at me and says fag under their breath.
The door ahead is the harsh reality that sooner or later I have to face. Through that door I embrace who I am. I deal with it publicly and privately. Maybe in today's society it isn't as hard a life as we're led to believe. The majority of people don't give a shit one way or the other. Be gay and be happy with it. Be comfortable with myself, my boyfriend and let all the people who matter in my life know. Hold my boyfriend's hand in public like a heterosexual teenage couple would as the word spreads and everyone finds out about me. Hmmm. I'm getting there. Like really, I'll be ready right after the anxiety attack I feel coming on just thinking about it.
I don't want to be the propped up paper hero, the token fag if you will. On the flip side, I live in Texas after all; I don't want to die simply because I chose to be myself. I didn't choose to be this way, it's who I am. I can live with that. In fact I am becoming quite content with who I am. But choosing to be happy with my homosexuality is the very thing that can cause haters to act against me.
So I don't like the option staring me down straight ahead, but I don't want to keep hiding within the suspended reality behind the door to the left. Maybe the door to the right is a softer version of the door in front of me? Slowly tell the people I really care to tell. First tell Tim. If all goes well then I tell the rest of my few real friends, have them keep it between us so that the whole world doesn't need to know. Introduce them to Chris and we can all be friends. No hurt, no betrayal, no pushing Chris away, no pushing my friends away.
The door to the right is hope. It's daring to dream and being honest with myself and the people I care about without drawing any unwanted attention. So I guess I'll take what's behind door number three, not knowing just what lies beyond. I'll cast ambivalence to the reality in my life, and to the fantasy, and just maybe make it out alive.
Now, onto a different matter. A certain package arrived. At first I was totally like WTF, Duncan sent me his baseball uniform? He knows how I have a thing for guys in baseball uniforms and I know he has a thing for sharing underwear and jocks with his best friend. Somehow I'm an extended part of this now? The note says to use what I'm comfortable with, if anything, if any of it even fits, or to please throw out and erase from memory. On the reverse of the handwritten note is a colour photocopy of a team photo. I've seen a pic of Duncan before so it's easy to spot the cutie in the group. Looking at him in his uniform I could get hung up on that boy!
So there I was, conflicted over what to do. I figured I'd sleep on it. Sometime in the middle of the night, still unsure if I would wear any of it for baseball, I tried on the complete uniform save for the belt and shoes. He had obviously worn it and I could smell his cologne on the jersey. Well I ended up sniffing everything of his like he told me to do to Tim's. Um, with one thing in particular I saw stars! I masturbated to the scent 3 times before morning, each time stripping everything off beforehand and redressing in everything afterwards.
I've taken his advice and also have worn the jock to bed every night. He's right, the cup does take some getting used to, but it feels awesome. My stuff snuggled in the cup that Dunny stuffed his junk into? Um, wow! And yes, I did wear it for baseball too, that and his shoes. I secretly got to sweat in his gear and no one knew!
He told me on his fuckable or not scale I'm one hundred percent fuckable! I'd say the same for him. Well he can't have me, but I am going to attempt the next best thing by sending him send him a worn (but clean) pair of my 2(x) ist boxer briefs. Hopefully he likes my gift Journal, Jon.
).:.(<<
I'm lounging in bed late this morning, on the phone with Tim. I'm naked and enjoying a semi-erection that's curling over my right leg. I assume I'm alone in the house because Ma just left for work and Larry's truck is gone. Naturally I figure he drove her to work. As whenever the opportunity presents itself, I'm eager to get down to some personal attention, so I'll do just that again this morning, as soon as I get off the phone with Tim. I'm on the portable phone and don't feel the need to put anything on as I get out of bed and head to the kitchen for a soda. Tim and I are hatching a plan, building on Larry's offer for Tim to stay at his place that to my knowledge still stands. Only our plan involves me moving there too, or more likely Tim moving in with us here. Involved in the conversation I get out of bed and proceeded stark naked to the kitchen.
"How about Maynes? Do you think he'll go for it? He's all but moved in there, too," I hear through the receiver as I grab a bottle of Coke. Big plastic bottles of soda seem to be replacing cans in our house. This is a Larry thing.
I grab a glass. Some rules are easy to neglect, like covering up now that the house is empty. Others aren't so easily to fight off the effects of Ma's brainwashing. She would shoot me if I ever drank out of the bottle; it's rude and inconsiderate. Not that I'd have a snowballs chance in Hell of getting away with parading around the house in the buff.
As I pour a glass of soda I explain, "I really don't think Larry will pose a problem. In fact, if anything he's always going out on a limb for me. He's definitely pretty cool."
"At least you see that. It's cool that you're cool with each other." Tim preaches.
I half tongue-in-cheek retort, "Oh, believe me, he was the enemy at first. He was stepping on my personal space when he set Ma on my case to make sure I was going to classes. I just never had the time to exact revenge before I decided that he's alright. He might even be an ally when it comes to her."
"Then ask him," Tim urges.
I agree, "Alright, I'll talk to him, get him on our side and then talk to her."
"Alright, give me a call when you talk to him. I'm gonna get off the phone for now. Later," Tim says.
"Yeah, take it easy," I say before we both hang up.
I'm scared senseless when from behind Larry's voice booms, "What are you plotting that requires my backing you on?"
I scream like a little girl. How does a big guy like him open a patio door and sneak up on me without making a single noise? As Larry rounds the kitchen table he notices my state of undress. He doesn't shy away, nor does he perv on me. He walks past me to grab a glass from the drying rack and pours himself a glass of soda beside me while I am frozen in place. I guess he's used to naked young men; being the coach of a high school football team and all. While he puts the bottle back in the fridge I manage to strategically place my hands in front to cover up and mutter that I'll be right back. As I race to the laundry room to grab a pair of shorts and some Hanes to throw on I am certain that all four of my cheeks are red. Bright fire-engine red.
He stays in the kitchen but his voice follows me, "Well, while I have you off guard, what pray tell am I playing a pawn in?"
With the boxers on and stepping into a pair of shorts I start back to the kitchen and reply, "Well, you remember your offer for Tim to live at your place? We were thinking that maybe he and I could do that, or else more likely he could live here if Ma allows it. I guess it depends on you too because you're basically living here now too."
He winces at the extra emphasis I inadvertently put on the last part about him living here too. But he can take it; he's a big boy, "Well. We never really asked you where you stand on that issue. I apologize. But if I heard you right over the phone you don't seem to object to me. Am I right?"
"Let's just say that even if I didn't like you I wouldn't stand in between Ma and you." I try to come off aloof but only succeed in sounding for the first time I can register, incredibly gay. It's not coming out how I intend it to, I further try to explain my remark, "And for the record, I'm not merely stepping aside for her sake here and towing the line. I guess what I mean is I'm not fighting you because there's no reason to."
"Good. I like you too," He offers.
Well, there we have it. We actually like each other. Good, I think. Was I clear enough or did I leave him unsure of just what the heck I mean? I'd really like him even more if he never brings up in any way, to anyone including me, that he just walked in on me and caught me naked. Yet, I feel the need to explain even though the moment has passed, "Oh. And by the way...I um...thought no one was home. You know, just then?"
He gives me a finger gun salute, "Gotcha. I figured as much."
Silence fills the kitchen as we each are busy within our own minds. My mind is stuck on the fact that my opportunity has slipped through my fingers. Larry seems to be staring out back.
He sighs and breaks the silence, "Well, man of the house, now that you're up, why don't you give me a hand outside? Other than smoking pot and hiding away from everyone most of last week you haven't accomplished much of what you promised your mom. While we're at it we can sort out this idea that you and Mr. Matthews are planning."
I groan. I don't fully mean to. I can't read him yet; I don't know where this sits with Larry. I haven't tested the waters of defiance with him because he has never imposed a command on me at home.
He doesn't bat an eye at my groan, "Just get your kicks, you don't even need a shirt. We're only laying down some top soil and sod. We have to get the sod down quickly so that it doesn't dry out and burn the roots."
So after grabbing my shoes I'm sitting on a deck chair in the back yard, tying my shoelaces and staring at the brown circle of dirt that used to lay beneath where my pool and the surrounding patio was. Larry has already been out and bought 20 rolls of sod to put down this morning. In fact he's already unloaded them from the bed of his truck and put them on a tarp in the carport.
As we carry them one at a time to the back yard he has me working my ass off on something Ma asked me to take care of. Key word there is ME! It shouldn't require Larry's let's get it done attitude or his attention. Not that it was on the top of my list of things to do. Being fair it wasn't on my list of things to do at all; I totally forgot about Ma asking me to do it. Still there is something I can save for an argument, should there be one later; how was I supposed to get the sod? Carry it one roll at a time on the bus with me or on my rollerblades?
I'm trying to assess if Larry is mad or upset, disappointed, or what at me. He seems neutral I think, but I have a hard time reading him still. I am not one of Larry's football players that he can tell to do something and expect an answer of feverish determination from. But I better not let up at the same time now that he has started the job for me and is doing it with me.
With the rolls all neatly piled in the back under the shade of a tree we grab a bunch of bags of topsoil from the carport. Larry has brought over some tools from his place so he opens the dirt and dumps it out as I spread it. We lay about half the rolls of sod before finally taking a break. Again, while it is an overcast day and not overly hot, I'm not so big and strong and dumb like his football players as to not know when to take a break. I am not weak, but slugging a million rolls of sod around and like a metric tonne of top soil requires a lot of energy. Sitting down we finally get to talking about Tim.
After refilling our glasses with soda Larry inquires, "So, what is this diabolical plan you need my help with?"
"Kay, flat out? I want to ask Ma if Tim can live here with us. He wants to come back but he thinks it'd be too lonely on his own at your place. He'll take you up on your offer if it's still there, if Ma says no. He just really wants to finish senior year here."
He asks me, "What do you think she'll say?"
"I don't know? What do you think?"
Reasoning, he says, "Hey, she's your mom. You know her inside out a whole lot better than me still. What does your gut tell you?"
Not sure about my gut, but my stomach is telling me that it's hungry at the moment actually, "I don't know. Maybe yeah, but maybe no. She's still mad at me over Bandit."
Larry encourages, "Well Tim's not Bandit. He can relatively take care of himself. Same idea for sure; he needs to be housed and fed like Bandit, but the rest he can do for himself. By simply having Bandit still around you know you can play her like a harp. When are you going to ask?"
"I dunno."
"Well you should do it soon. Give her a chance to work it over. Time flies during the summer. School's only a bit away. And don't reference Bandit or your argument will just train wreck," He suggests.
"Yeah, I know," I say in such a way as to try and let on I need his help still.
He sighs at me, "Where do I fit into this scheme?"
Clearly it's a mock sigh in response to mine earlier, but still, it's progress between us! He's never going to be my dad, but maybe I can drop my respectful fear of him and we can be friends afterall? I venture, "Maybe if your offer's still there for Tim to stay at your house you could bring it up in front of her to me and I could use that and his not wanting to be alone to segway into a desperate plea."
Out of nowhere he asks, "Tim Matthews isn't gay too is he?"
I jump up from the chair, "Dude! Far from it. I mean, I sometimes wish he were. No, he's so not-gay that he knows I am even though I've never acknowledged it, and he's beyond cool with it."
Nodding his head, he continues, "That answers the next question then. It doesn't matter to some people. Be happy he's that way. A friend like that is far and few between, and the fact that he's not prejudice is all the better."
"Are you going to help us?"
"Yes. One or the other. I'd suggest to Charlene that you two boys could both stay at my house but she'd shred me. Your mother just had all three of her girls leave in a matter of months. She's not going to let you go anywhere until she feels it's the right time. She tenses up when you step out the door and doesn't relax or go to sleep until you're home."
He adds, "She's also quite worried over you at the moment because she knows you have abandonment issues going back to your father. She doesn't think you've ever learned to cope properly. And now, all three of your sisters leave, your best friend leaves. And all of this is more or less right on the heels of your other best friend, or as I knew Daniel; your boyfriend, leaving. So that's your angle to attack her with, not mine. You're a good kid, like Dave. I can help you, but I won't manipulate your mom. Why don't you and she have dinner alone here tonight and you tell her what the options are and see what she says."
We finish the yard at least 10 rolls of sod short, around 2:30, after Bandit tries to claim a few pieces. Ma finishes work at 4:00 so I have a hour and a half of supervision with Larry before I get handed off to her. All I wanted was a little time to myself today! Like seriously, five minutes of personal time would have been more than enough.
On Larry's suggestion I'm going to finish off the yard this week once he gets more sod, to try and show Ma that I've done something about it. He also suggests to prove responsibility that I take Bandit over to Freed Park before Ma gets home so that I can show her I'm taking care of him too.
Bandit's not the kind of dog that can play fetch for long because he is a hulking beast and tires quickly. While he pulls me around the park I wonder why he'll listen to Larry and do the commands Daniel's uncle taught him, but when I say them I just keep on getting yanked around. Larry says it's because in dog hierarchy Bandit has placed himself above me. Haha, I don't think so mutt.
While I'm wrestling the tennis ball out of my dog's mouth Larry goes walking by, "He's almost bigger than you Jon! You're going to have to tickle it out of him!"
Once Bandit spots Larry he drops the ball and runs up to him. Clearly he's done with me and taking himself for a walk with Larry instead. I catch up and put the leash back on him, "So, where are we headed?"
We go to the corner store a few blocks further down to get an Auto Trader. Looks like Ma has a couple serious talks coming up.
At quarter to five she walks in with her arms full and it finally dawns on me she borrowed Larry's truck for the day. Looks like Larry won't have to work hard convincing her how convenient it is to run errands and get things done so quickly with a car. She comes home to me making a meat sauce over the stove for spaghetti later tonight. Larry kisses her and is out the door after we help bring in a couple more bags, saying he has a few things to take care of and will be back around 9:00. After putting the groceries away with Ma she turns the stove back on and finishes off the sauce I've started while starting a pot of fettuccine noodles. Getting all sentimental she tells me for like the thousandth time in my life that I'm the only one in the family that appreciates good hearty American-Italian meals. And do I ever; if I ever need an IV drip, I'd ask for meat sauce!
I feel nervous as heck about the conversation I have to have with her as we sit down to dinner. It's at the table in the kitchen, not out on the deck or in the living room in front of the T.V. which tells me it's going to be heavy on her part too.
I start it off, "Ma, we never eat here unless we have a family thing going on. What's up."
"Well Jonny. It is a sort of family meeting. We're all that's left for now. What do you think about Larry moving in here permanently?"
"Sure, go for it. I thought that was already implicit," I say a little too aloof. What I really want to ask is if I can finally take Deanna's room now that it's been empty for well over a month.
As if trying to barter with me even though I didn't object she goes on, "We'll move your stuff upstairs and make the dining room into something again. You've been so good, never complaining about that room of yours. I know you like your privacy and the room's right next to mine but we might fix this place up finally, maybe add on to it. And once you're out of your room we can turn it back into the foyer that it really is. Maybe open up the one wall, close in a couple doors and put some new siding over them, and fix up one good door to the carport. Larry and I have even talked about getting me a car."
O.K. So plans have been in motion behind my back, she's in on the car idea. Or maybe I've just had the wool removed from over my eyes. I haven't paid a whole lot of attention to home life, because, well I've been busy with my life, my secret life with Chris, and my other secret life somewhere in between those two lives.
So I shy away from asking Ma about Tim at first, "Yeah. Sounds great. Who's paying for it all?"
"Oh Moody, I know you're trying to be civil with Larry. Thank-you. I haven't known the companionship of a gentleman since your father. You don't have to worry about being in the next room, we're not like that. We're too old for much of that anyhow. It's more like life partners now. It seems fast, but it also seems we've been together for years. We enjoy each other's company."
Eww. Didn't want to think about it that way. I only once made a joke to them about getting a room, I never thought about them actually having sex. Which brings me to Chris, "Ma, can I change the subject for a sec?"
"If you're uncomfortable," She suggests.
No, I'm not uncomfortable, just seizing the moment, "Well this may make you uncomfortable so you tell me."
"What Jonny?"
"Again Ma, stop calling me Jonny. Just Jon. Kay?"
"O.K. Jon," She laughs and makes a face at me, "What Jon?"
"Well talking about you and Larry and you know..."
"Uh huh?"
Tears are forming in the corners of my eyes. From the look on her face she must think I'm about to say Larry molested me or something. I'm about to chicken out until I see the dread in her eyes. I have to force every word out. My voice is weak like each word is my dying breath, "Kay, here goes. I'm sorry Ma. Please don't hate me but I'm gay."
"You're gay? (silence) You like men? (I nod my head in the affirmative) How come I never knew this Jonny? (long pause) Are you sure?"
I laugh a nervous laugh that comes out as more of a snort than anything, Finally able to find my voice again I answer, "I've always been sure Ma. It's the only thing in my life I am sure of."
Through tears she manages, "I won't tell Larry if it bothers you. Do you sister's know? We don't have to tell them until you're ready. You don't have to tell them ever if you don't want to."
"It's nothing I have to be ashamed of Ma. It's who I am," I say with my hand on her arm. Well, listen to hypocritical little me!
She looks hurt, I can't look her in the eyes, "No, it's not. My, how the world's changed Jonny. From a dreamer raised in Hell's Kitchen to a Texan widow with a gentleman consort and a gay son. Every day I watch the news and worry about the world today. I don't think I'm ready for this new world, but I guess you are."
We're both shedding silent tears, but I want to reassure her, "I think you're doing just fine Ma."
Ma gasps, "Look around you, do you really think that?"
"I think you've done the best you know how to Ma. Yeah, I do think you've done good for us."
"Look at your room Jonny. Look at what we have. I wanted to give you kids all so much more than this that it breaks my heart that you never once complain about it. You get moody and lock it in, but you never throw it in my face that I can't give you what you deserve. This isn't how it was meant to be. You find yourself a good man Jonny and don't let him go. Smother him with kindness and courtesy and love Jonny."
"This isn't your fault Ma. None of it. Not the house, not me. Having a better house or room wouldn't make me straight Ma. Having Dad here wouldn't make me straight. It's no one's fault for anything. It's how I am. Chris has everything and he's gay."
She has a look on her face as if to say it's all coming clear, "So that boy that night weeks back, he's gay too then?"
It's actually months back Ma. Two months back to be precise, "Yeah, he's my boyfriend."
"Well I guess it's a good thing I didn't say I thought your friend was gay then," Ma tries to laugh.
"Yeah. I might not have ever told you if you did."
"And your friend Tim? How about him? You know Candace will be upset if he is too. She'd race to get ready before you every morning just so she could talk to him over coffee."
"Nah, he's straight." I want to add hopelessly straight, but I better not if I intend to angle this towards my intent tonight. And it never took any effort on Candace's part to get ready before me; I am the ultimate slacker when it comes time to get ready for something.
"And does he know? Do your other friends know? Do they pick on you at school Jonny? Is that why Candace got into a fight when someone picked on you?"
"Yeah Ma, she knows. She told me right after Chris was over. Her and Deanna even talked about it before. As for my friends, Tim knows for sure. I never actually told him but he's figured it out. He's mad at me that I can't tell him. Not like angry-mad, more like hurt-mad. I don't know about anyone else but I don't think they know."
"And how are you with this?"
"I don't know. Well, I do. This place is so homophobic but I think my close friends might be O.K. with it. Tim hasn't made it public knowledge, not that I've even acknowledged it to him. I don't know Kevin all that much, and Tania and Neil are a bit hard to gauge sometimes but I think they'll keep quiet about it for me too."
I continue, "Speaking of friends and all, I kinda want to ask you something. With an extra room now can Tim stay here next year? It'd be just for school. Maybe in Deanna's room? I know I leave Bandit for you to take care of, but at least Tim's housebroken." I sullenly add, "And I don't want to lose another best friend. That's gotten old fast."
"Jonny, slow down. I don't know. It's all too much at once. Do you like Tim too, like Candy does?"
Hmm, better to dodge a bullet here and tell her what I've 90% convinced myself of, "No. I don't see him that way. I mean he's nice, and he's alright looking, but I really only see a friend that's been there for me in him."
My mom's expression is the definition of bewildered, "I need to think, and talk to Larry about all of this. I think he always suspected this. You, that is. He's tells me all the time about his older son. He's gay too, you know?"
"Yeah, I know about Dave. And um, Larry already knows about me too. He watches out for me at school; has for well over a year now. He found out about me and Daniel right when we started dating and he's sort of been there for us ever since, or me at least now that Daniel's gone. We kinda figured it was because of his son."
"Daniel? That little boy? You didn't do anything with him did you Jonny?"
What to say, what to say? Shaken as she may be I have to wonder what version of the truth is she ready for, "Yeah Ma. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first love, first lover, first everything. At first maybe we were just friends and had each other to confide in. We were together for a year, so yeah we were intimate, but um, always safe. He may be small but seriously Ma, he's my age. Ask Larry if you don't believe me. He played on the JV football team. How else do you think I would know Larry?"
Ma takes the opportunity to redirect the conversation, "I hate to admit it sometimes but none of this would be possible without Larry. His house is paid off completely. If we move some of his furniture here at least this will look like a real home again. Then we'll rent out his house and the rent alone will cover my re-mortgage payments now. So I can drop the job at the liquor store and between my job at the supermarket and Larry's cheque we can be more comfortable than I thought would ever be possible these past few years. Maybe I can even afford to continue to feed that dog of yours. As for you, you can continue to give me your paycheques and with what I've put away for you kids maybe you can afford to work and go to college here. Larry says you might even be up for some awards and scholarships. He's looking into a few for you. The better grades you brought home the more I worried that I was going to waste you because you wouldn't be able to afford college. You put a lot of pressure on you Ma you know, being good in school."
"Sorry," I offer not sure what else to say. Whoa, what a little heart to heart we're having.
"Don't you ever be sorry for being able to make something of yourself. It's what every mother prays for."
After being admonished I ask, "What about the girls?"
"They're my worry not yours," she distantly says.
We're silent for a while. Dinner is cold and neither of us have eaten much. As we both play with the food on our plates I hope for a distraction, like the phone ringing. The dinner conversation has been a lot heavier than the meal. I finally break the silence, "It needed some garlic bread."
Ma loves bread, she laughs a little at my comment. Then lets out a prolonged breath and shakes her head at me, "What would you have me do Jonny? Where would your friend stay?"
I try to hide a grin. I've won! She'll come around in her own time and Tim will be here for the school year.
"I dunno. I can keep my room and Tim can take Deanna's room. Or if you want to finish off my room I can move upstairs. Or Tim can stay in the girls room and I'll take Deanna's room."
When Larry returns later I relish the opportunity to hand Ma off to him. I head to the computer to sort out this recent revelation with Duncan. Checking my Messenger I see he's not online but Evan is. Bummer. Something doesn't sit right with me about Evan. He usually lives online despite his stubborn facade that he's always out getting laid.
My nic on gay.com is quite different from my MSN one so someone on my MSN who happened to be on gay.com for whatever reason would never be able to place me. I've also figured out that if I put nothing personal in my bio on gay.com that I can go online right here in the Houston room and no one will know more about me than I care to share. So under the mask on anonymity I go into the room. My nic, Lone-ly Star, doesn't give away anything about me so I have to write in the bio line 17m, looking for convo with <20. I come across a few guys my age but it seems they think convo refers to grunting at each other while having sex. All I want is someone to talk to about things.
Turning off the computer I think about calling Tim and relating the dinner conversation with him. But how? I am in denial with him. Maybe I should just tell him and he can show his true colours for the last time before he moves on in with gay little me. I owe him that much right? And that's assuming I read my Ma right, and also assuming that she doesn't change her mind too. I lose the nerve once I've finally tracked the phone down on top of the fridge. If I tell him there is never any going back; I would be `out'. Like officially gay. Sure Ma now knows, Larry, Candace and Deanna know, and to be honest Tim knows. But I've told the first three, not Tim.
Then it hits me. Duh! Maybe call my boyfriend! My heart is sinking that he's the last person that I've thought of to talk to. Is it because he is the one person in my life now that can confirm everything, and I see who I really am only when I'm with him? I thought I had gotten over at least that part of the denial. Of the people that know about my sexuality, aside from Daniel a 1000 miles away, and Duncan 3000 miles away, Chris is the only person that knows about my sexual activity. I feel so shitty that I've shut him out.
Listening to the line ringing I desperately don't want to be alone. Please be home, "Milner residence, Chris speaking."
I sound forlorn, "Hey Chris."
"Oh, hey," He sounds much different than the snooty rich kid a second ago, but still not excited to hear my voice.
"Everything alright?"
"I think so aside from not seeing you for a bit. Is everything alright Jon?"
"Sorry, I'm an ass. You're right Babe. Yeah, everything's alright with us if you're not mad at me. I miss you. I really want to see you."
"Nah, I'm not really mad at ya. Horny are you? I can be over in like 20 minutes, orgasm in 21 minutes."
We both laugh. I'm such an asshole for neglecting my boyfriend lately. "Well, you're clear to come over now. I came out to my mom tonight. She took it alright I think. But I don't think she's ready to know that I'm actively gay. So maybe just a movie?"
"Give me half an hour then. If you were horny I'd pass on a shower, but if we're just sudo cuddling from opposite sides of a couch then I'll doll myself up for you. See you in a few," Chris makes a kissing sound over the phone and hangs up.
He comes by about an hour later. Gay time he calls it. I'll have to store that excuse for a time when I am totally out and can use it. He's looking breathtakingly cute tonight. If I saw him just walking down the street I'd do a double take, probably stare, and figuratively drool. He's left his car running when he comes to the door, and then asks me if I want to stay the night at his place as he rubs his crotch and flashes a devilish smile. Well who am I to pass up on this cute boy on my doorstep, so I pop back inside, ask Ma and tell him sure without really waiting for her response. As I'm getting my shoes on she agrees, but cautions me not to run from this every night from now on, she knows now and we'll have to deal with it. She chides me to be polite, use my manners and thank Chris' parents. As an afterthought she also adds to not sleep together, boyfriends or not.
The sun is setting as we get to Chris' house. We walk to his back yard and plan to watch the sunset by his pool. Instead I get shoved in when I don't suspect it, shoes and all. Chris kicks off his shoes and clothes before he cannonballs into the pool with me. He is bare-assed in a black Y-back thong. I actually have one of his matching white ones on, hoping that if we got a chance he could play the guessing game as to what I had on. I have only the one pair from him but I rather like it now. I ask him if he really thinks it's appropriate to go virtually nude in his pool and he responds by loosening my belt and taking my shorts off. He reaches for my boxer briefs only to discover what I have on. After doffing my also drenched shirt, shoes and socks I garner his approval. We float about on a double lounge chair in just our thongs watching the sunset together.
As darkness settles on us the patio lanterns come on and his yard looks so amazing. His yard is easily four times as deep and maybe five times as wide as the entire property my house sits on. For a while we just take in the view.
"So how'd it go? How'd she take it," He asks.
"She's alright. Took it pretty well. Thinks it's her fault for not knowing," I respond, happy that it went so well.
"You're her son, she wants to protect you," He reasons.
"Maybe so. Especially from irresistible boys like you," I joke.
His hand is on the pouch of my thong as he licks my ear and seductively repeats, "Especially from boys like me. You just attract us like a magnet. We want to get to know every part of your body, mind, and soul intimately."
Chris then slips off the water lounger and swims underneath it so that he can tip me off it. I see this coming a mile away so all he gets for his efforts is an empty chair. I am in the water just behind him when he finds me. I hook my hand through the Y in his thong and pull him to me. We make out for a while standing in his pool. After a little petting we ease off so that we can walk through his house at least without raging erections.
When we make it up to Chris' room he lights a few candles that he knows I love. Stepping out of the wet thong I slip between the black sheets as he lights the candles. After rustling with something in a bag he reaches under a pillow and then slips into bed too.
In bed he starts running his hands all over me and I end up straddling him. He flips me off of him and onto my belly in order to massage my back. After a few minutes of his ministrations I feel a cool draught on my butt as he attacks it with his tongue. I get invaded by his magically orgasmic tongue for a little while before I get rolled onto my back and my legs get firmly thrust against my chest. Seconds later he is sheathed in a condom, ribbed for my pleasure, and lubed up. Without any complaint whatsoever my body lets him invade me. Oddly, his hands are busy at his own back door a lot this time as we have sex. Sooner than he would have liked he reaches orgasm. I'm almost there myself and desperately want to get hammering away on myself.
Chris has other plans however. He withdraws and once the sensitivity goes down he slips off the condom and replaces it with another. My dick is throbbing away in its constraints as he slowly and gently enters me again. This time he starts off slow, making love to me rather than just fucking me. It's all too much and I lose myself while he pumps my butt. Chris stops briefly so that he can lick up what spills from my erection. He tries to penetrate me again, but having reached orgasm, that door is firmly closed for the night. Some days are like that, others aren't. I'm still pretty new to intercourse so I haven't got my body's rhyme or reason figured out just yet.
I was gladly being dominated by Chris, but now I have to switch roles if this is going to continue. And yes, one look at his lithe body tells me that tonight while I don't care to top I definitely want this to go on. I turn Chris over to discover a sex prop planted in his butt. He removes the plug as I fix a condom on myself. One inside him, as we kiss, Chris drifts off to sleep all too soon without even reaching orgasm. I feel restless and anxious about the day that has transpired. It's a good few hours before I finally drift off to a fitful sleep. At least on this night I can feel the slight calming euphoria that comes with sleeping next to my boyfriend.
Morning comes too early. After breakfast at Denny's we hit the mall so that Chris can replace my phone that is probably still sitting on the bottom of his pool. I spot Nat Walker and her brother Jackie at the mall while Chris and I are at a kiosk. I really can't get away because the phone guy is giving us a pitch about one of the phones and Chris is intent on getting me a good one because he caused mine to get soaked. I make eye contact with Nat and we smile. She nods towards her brother and rolls her eyes. I have no clue what that is supposed to mean. As they pass she says hey' to me, and I hey' her right back.
It's innocent in that that's all there is to the encounter. And yet it's far from innocent because I have been spotted with Chris again and the gears have to be turning in her head and soon the phone lines will no doubt be passing this secret all around. Hell, I don't know her brother to talk to, but I am sure he'll be passing the word that I, already a suspected fag at Parkwood High, was seen with an unknown totally gay looking boy at the mall. What a hoot. The depressing state of fear in my life casts a shadow on the simplest of moments shared with my boyfriend. Chris picks up on this right away as I head for his car.
Chris puts an arm around me that Nat or her brother could clearly see if they take a look back so I gently but firmly swipe it off me. He consoles me in a whispered voice, "It's O.K. Babe. You'll live through this. It seems like the end of the world, but once you're out, most people lose the nerve to even acknowledge it. You gain the advantage over them because you have conquered a huge fear and have faced the stigma that comes with who you are while they all still have their personal phobias to protect dearly. They actually feel intimidated by you, or in a sick way, almost drawn to you because you don't care what they think anymore. You'll have risen above them. That's hard for them to deal with. See if the gossip doesn't stop once they all know. I bet it will. It did for me."
As we walk I confide, "I've told you about Michael. I don't want to live with a greater fear of being bashed when everyone knows that it's more than just rumors."
"Fuck Babe. This isn't the dark ages. More people knowing actually makes you less of a target, believe it or not. It becomes your protection," He enlightens me before turning me back to the store. As we re-enter the store he grabs my hand to hold it and nods to the sales guy, his free hand pointing at the most expensive of the three phones we were looking at, "We'll take that one."
The sales guy doesn't seem phased by our brief intimacy. It's like he never saw it. Ditto for the girl that helps set up my number on the new phone. They weren't shocked or sickened, they didn't show any signs of feeling an urge to throw up. We're just two more customers in their eyes, and commission doesn't discriminate until we are at least out of the store, if at all.
Maybe Chris is right, this isn't the dark ages anymore. The person that cares most about it by far is me. Certainly not an epiphany, but a small glimmer of realization lodges itself in me. Most people are too busy with their own lives and fears and lack of self confidence to worry about mine. Still it's the few that are self assured and the few that are so down-trodden in their own problems that find picking on others a fun and viable sport that I fear. They do exist.
As we get in Chris' car he tries to fill me with further optimism. He tells me of his dream of us walking hand in hand through the mall, or down a street and being carefree about it. I wish I could buy into that dream, but I am not there yet. I don't say so, but he comments that my silence speaks volumes. I hear the slight hint of doubt in his voice as he again assures me that I'll be fine, that we'll be fine. I know that the events have been set in motion for an eventual conversation about us breaking up because he doesn't like having to live in my secret world. He's past that himself, and I see the burden that it is on him no matter what he says to the contrary. I'd like to change that course of events, but last night, and today's sighting is more than enough on my plate at the moment as it is.
And I have Tim to worry about. My best friend may be moving in with me. I am sure he knows about me. How does he feel about it though, really? He seems O.K. about it because he hasn't kicked my ass, ditched me or spread the word that I like dick to everyone. But still, I can't find it in myself to say the words to him. How is living together ever going to work when he's the truth I can't face, when completely without his own doing he has become the righteousness I shy away from? I wish I was Chris. I wish it was in me to be more like him. Just hang it out there for all to see and let whatever may happen, happen.
But I still cower inside. I'm getting there, but when I finally arrive at the place I want to be, I feel Chris will not be waiting for me. It's a stupid thought because we are only 17; it's not like we stand a chance at lasting anyways really. That is the reality of it. I know our paths are different and it's so hard to admit. It's easier to be oblivious to it and live in the moment. Wait, I still have a hard time living in the moment too! Fine, it's easier living in a fantasy and deluding myself that everything is alright now and always will be.
[to be continued]