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In This Cruel World
Benji narrates
Guys all check each other out in the change room. Don't be deluded into thinking a straight guy never looks. Life's a competition to guys. Being better looking matters, having a better body matters, and hanging a better fire hose between your legs certainly matters. So how does a guy know another guy digs him? Like really wants him? For me it would have to be a look that Duncan gives me. He is a happy-go-lucky guy, a smile is always glued to his face, but it changes when he looks at me. Every time I see him smile it makes me smile more warmly.
I don't know quite what it is about him. We've grown up together, we were best friends in the playpen and we are best friends now. Twins have a supposed ability to finish each other's sentences, well we can do that for each other. Duncan is like a part of me. He's the gay half, I'm the straight half. But I'll admit I dig his dick.
I knew he was soft on me before my 13th birthday. Before my 14th birthday he was humping me in bed. It felt good and wasn't hurting anyone. For my 15th birthday I blew out his candle. He shot his love in my mouth and our friendship changed. It took him a few days before he got over the fact that I spit-shined his knob. And you know what? I liked it. Since then we've been friends with benefits.
That's where things get messed up. I don't understand it. I don't get off on guys. Seriously, I don't. It's not denial. You could line up a 100 boners and sure I'd look but I wouldn't get one myself. Show me one pair of pert tits and zing, things happen in my pants. So it's not Duncan's body that I want. A dick is a dick, but if it's his I feel an urge to make it feel good for him. And then my dick got as hard as steel when I had Benji's in my mouth.
Since Duncan and I started fooling around I've went on the computer and surfed for porn. By now I have looked at a bunch of cocks and really don't feel anything. Sure, I get a semi, but I don't get to business until I see women. And while I love Duncan trying to have his way with my body, I don't fantasize about it. I'm damn near sure that he's just a sexual outlet for me. Only I do have feelings towards him, and that's why I can only say damn near sure. It's not his body I want, but I want him.
So what the fuck does that make me other than confused and worried? I guess I'd define myself as 95 percent straight and 5 percent in love with Duncan. Notice I don't even say Bi? Other guys are just other guys to me. Girls can throw themselves at Mike Fairley, the supposed hottest guy in school, and he's just another guy to me. Having had the chance to check Mike out in the locker room at school, he did nothing for me. Maybe a little envious of his body, but more in a way like `damn, I've got to hit the gym more'. His cock is nothing special.
Feeling quite confident in my heterosexuality I let things progress with Duncan. After my birthday we had exams to worry about. Then we had Christmas break and a hockey tournament in Seattle. For all of Duncan being homosexual he somehow fell into `dating' Yvonne on New Year's Eve. School started up again in January and swimming practices started.
All the while we have our band with four other guys. We call ourselves The Cosmic 6. I'm the only one that could con my parents into buying drums; a nice set that Kimi and I share. Duncan plays bass because he got a cheap left-handed one at the guitar shop. The only left-handed guitar was about $3000 above his saved up allowance. Only one other guy is from our school, a pretty cool guitar player named Jase. Ryan and Zach are our singers and play a bit of everything, when they show up. They are from our hockey team and go to another school. Our other member is another guitar player from a catholic school near us named Sasha. He's the only one that is observant enough to pick up on Duncan and me. He's dropped the odd hint here and there to me but left it at that.
Of course he's right; I can't tell you how many times I fooled around with Duncan. I'm sure Duncan could give exact stats. I can say with some sureness that it's at least once a week under the right circumstances that we drop what we are doing and coax release from each other's family jewels.
I can say my mouth is becoming proficient at satisfying my best buddy. He's never going to penetrate my other spot so I try to compromise. I know I could have his ass anytime I want, but it will create an unfair imbalance between us that I don't want to create.
The other development is that with a week to go before Valentine's Day I have finally found the gonads to ask Katy to be my girlfriend. I don't know why it was so hard. The fear of rejection sure can be a paralyzer. Duncan has been `dating' Yvonne since New Year's Eve. And straight 'ole me has been without a girlfriend until our walk to school this morning. When Kimi and I meet up with our group on the way he pushes me into Katy.
As she fell into snow she shouted, "What's your problem Ben?"
Kimi answered for me, "Not his problem. My problem. I pushed him into you because he likes you so much he's afraid to make a move. So would you just date my sorry-ass brother already?"
She turned to me, "Is this true Ben?"
I got a quick and painful case of butterflies that overwhelmed my flash of anger at my brother and his complete abandon of shame. I wish I could be as self assured as the little shit! All I could manage to say to Katy was, "Yeah."
She smiled, "Well then I'd love you be your girlfriend Benjamin!"
And just like that I have a girlfriend! Now I have to break it to Duncan and I'm not sure how to. I like what we have going and want to pursue it, but I also want Duncan to know girls rock my cock. We don't have the same lunch period so I don't get a chance to tell Duncan until swim practice after school.
"Dunc, I asked Katy to be my girlfriend...Well, Kimi did it for me... and she said yes," I tell him.
He reacts exactly as I knew he would. I see a twinge of hurt and then he flashes his thousand watt smile, "Way to go Benji!"
Needing to say something I add, "We're still good. What I promised back on my birthday wasn't a lie."
He drops his boxers and tosses them at me, "Good. I might just need some consoling now that my best friends are dating."
"Dude, you hooked up with Yvonne first," I point out, copping a look at his junk as he stuffs it in his black and lime-green Speedo.
He snaps my ass with his towel as I try to step into my navy and powder blue Speedo. To all the guys laughter he says, "Anyone hear the news about Mr. Roseycheeks here? Hartkainen is officially off the market, and this time she's even real!"
He rushes through a shower and into the pool area to avoid me getting him back, leaving me to put both of our clothes and back packs into baskets and secure them in the pool office. Gonna have to get the bitch back for that!
Duncan and I get an extra 10 laps after practice for horseplay on the deck. After we finish up the only one left is Adam Reid who al ways stays till the very end. At least Duncan isn't obviously gay like him. I'm thinking this until I catch Duncan checking Adam out as we change.
"Maybe you want to date him instead of Yvonne," I whisper.
"Nah, Yvonne's the safer bet. Hafta see. Who knows, maybe I'll like her," He whispers back. Ah, that's my Duncan; he's really invested in his charade.
"Um, I'm right here. You Finn twins don't have to whisper. It's not like no one knows about me," Adam says from further down the bench.
Dressed only in his boxers and shirt Duncan walks down to Adam and sits on the opposite bench. Correction, those are my boxers! He openly stares at the other guy, "So tell me Adam, is it true what they say about you?"
"Why, you want to find out," Adam says. It's not a sneer, but he really doesn't pose it as a question either. He doesn't have a lisp, but he does talk like he has a swollen tongue or something through a gay sounding voice.
"No. I mean you're alright I guess for a guy. Benji was just teasing me about my girlfriend," Duncan states.
Adam seems to actually care, "Oh, who?"
Duncan stares a little too obviously when Adam's bulge lifts momentarily before the crotch of his jeans engulfs it. Gonna hafta talk to him about that. With the show over he resumes the conversation, "Yvonne Toivonen."
"Oh yeah. Xadia's cousin, right," Adam says, "She's alright for a girl. I guess. Doesn't talk much though."
"Did you just really say that," I ask.
Adam looks down the length of the change room towards me and shrugs his shoulders, "Yeah. Why, you going to feed me your fists now Ben? I don't think so."
Duncan saves me, "He so doesn't care Adam. Neither of us do. I'll bet it sucks for you that you can't just talk as open about the guys you like as all the guys do about girls."
"Ain't that the truth," Adam says.
"Well who do you like then," Duncan asks.
"So not going there Duncan. It's one thing to be gay and have everyone know. It's a whole 'nother thing when a guy thinks you like him. They don't know how to handle it so I don't tell them. And if you tell one person your secret the whole school finds out. So I'm not telling you either, no offence," Adam shares with a hint of resignation in his voice.
Duncan turns away from Adam and gets back to dressing as Adam puts his coat on. Not facing Adam he addresses him all the same, "You walking or you got a ride coming? Benji and I are hitting McDicks on our way. Loverboy wants to see his girlfriend of 6 hours, even though it's only been 20 minutes since she left the pool. Hey, you're like in the same building as me. You're free to join us if you want."
Adam jokes, "I'll pass. I'm slow enough in the water as it is. Cheeseburger thighs will only slow me down more!"
"Yeah, us either. I'll get you a treat of the week if you come. I have connections you know," I tease, referring to Katy who works at McDonalds. Somehow Adam seems important to Duncan today and I fully get it, "So that's a yes? Don't wimp out on us. It's not every day we slum with the commoners!"
"Well who can pass up an invitation like that? Can I carry you on my back too m'lord?" Adam smiles at me. The kid is decent looking and pretty cool. Too bad circumstance makes it hard for him to catch a boyfriend.
"Oi! Ye nay be needin ta do that m'laddie. He has kith and kin for that," Duncan says, pulling out his horrible attempt at a Scottish accent. If I didn't know him better I'd swear he was flirting with Adam. Only I do know him better and he is flirting with Adam!
"You'll have to excuse Billy Connolly. He thinks he has a Scottish accent, and that he's funny. What he meant is that Kimi's waiting somewhere and he can piggy back me. See? It wasn't even funny," I say to Adam.
"Oh. We'll I just wait outside on you guys then," Adam says, getting all weird.
Once I hear the heavy doors both slam shut I quietly berate Duncan, "Flirt a little harder Dunc. He's not dumb you know, he'll figure your game out. And hurry up and switch boxers with me. You have mine on."
"That wasn't on purpose? I figured it was an olive branch for you starting to date Katy. Screw you, I'm keeping them! Hurry up and get your ass into mine and dressed. God you take as long as a girl to change," He throws back at me and heads out to the hallway.
This isn't the reaction I expected from him. I didn't expect him to go flirt with a known gay guy in the wake of my news that I am dating Katy. I shouldn't, but that doesn't stop me from feeling a mite bit jealous.
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In the summer Duncan and I get into some trouble. For years a bunch of kids around my cottage have played a game that we called the KGB run. Basically it's like one sided capture the flag, but pitting one or two `KGB spies' against the rest of the spies trying to catch them in the vineyards around our cottages. The added danger is that we are trespassing on the vineyards. Well Duncan and I are the KGB spies one evening except we lose big time, getting caught by some employees and my parents have to come and get us.
After that Duncan's mother pulls rank within her department at the city and gets Duncan and me summer jobs in the city parks and recreation department, turning lights off after soccer and baseball games at night, and park maintenance during the day. We shouldn't be eligible until we are 16 but a little nepotism squeaks us in a year early. So we are presumably going to stay out of trouble by learning responsibility through our jobs.
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Speaking of jobs, for the rest of the year Duncan and I trade hand jobs and blow jobs regularly. All things are going great for me with Katy. I assume things are good between Yvonne and Duncan because I never heard a word otherwise from him. I never give Duncan and Adam another thought after that. Until Christmas holidays come again, that is.
Our Peewee rep hockey team travels to Calgary for a tournament. To cut down on costs with a few trips planned this year, rather than blow money on hotels we billet with players families of the host teams. A few host families have two sons both playing in the tournament, and therefore have to billet two players. Duncan and I managed to con our coach into letting us pair up. The thought of us messing around in some other kids bed gets me hot.
When our team hits Calgary we pair up with our host families and have a team meeting so that we can pass on information between the coach and parents. My hopes of getting funky with Duncan are dashed when I find out I'm crashing on the floor of the younger brother Rob, while Duncan will be staying in Cody's room. These boys are fun, but clearly cowboys right down to their boots.
Our team makes the finals while the brothers don't even get into the playoffs. They're happy enough for us and supportive though, so that's cool. Changing for the championship game I notice the boxers Duncan is wearing.
Let me give you a little background: the guys on our swim team know those pink boxers with eagles all over them. They are Adam Reid's `lucky drawers' that he wears for swim meets. We all know this because he makes a point of telling us that, and adds that if he doesn't do well hopefully some guy will take pity on him in his hot shorts and give him a consolation prize. Yeah, there's no hiding it with Adam and we all just accept him as our token loud and proud representative.
But why is Duncan wearing them? I feel so hurt and betrayed! We lose the game but I couldn't possibly care less; I feel like I'm losing Duncan.
I wait until we're settled on the train ride back later the next day to mention it to Duncan, "Dunc, couldn't help but scope out your lucky charm yesterday. Or should I say Adam's lucky charm."
He flat out confirms my suspicion, "Yeah, I got them when I, ah, got lucky."
He whispers the last part to my shoulder, not looking me in the eye. I don't know what my face is saying, but my heart feels heavy and my mind feels betrayed all over again. I guess he knows this.
He quietly pleads, "Benji, please don't be mad. I didn't know how to tell you. I live for what you and I do, but I needed to find out for sure. I never wanted to push your rule so yeah, that's how I got the lucky charm."
The rule he's referring to is that there will be no butt play between us. I can't blame him I guess. I'm trying things with my girlfriend and I'm holding out hope to someday soon keep a trophy from her of our first time. Things are more complicated for Duncan, and I'm the complication. Damn it! In my head I was always going to be his first, even if I never let on to him, even if I just finally admitted this to myself this very moment.
I look around to make sure the guys around us are busy in their own conversations or listening to their CD players. I want to say something more. I really wish I had something to say; heartfelt or canned speech, something! But Ryan and Zach are sitting in the seats facing is playing magnetic checkers. If we get into anything personal they will snoop on our conversation.
By the time either of us speak again we have to be across the Alberta / British Columbia border. The moon is lighting up the snowscape to both sides of the tracks as we barrel backwards through the night. Duncan has let out a slight whimper that rouses me. I more feel than hear the sigh as my body is resting against his.
He says, "Kinda serene, huh? So tranquil."
I nod. He doesn't have to be looking at me to register my agreement. Also knowing that I have been dozing off and on but my first question usually is `where are we' he answers, "We just came out of the Mount MacDonald Tunnel, just under the Roger's Pass. You know that's the longest tunnel in North America? The mountains never fail to amaze me, not a sign of snow on the other side and it's snowing postcard-perfect on this side."
Aside from a couple guys quietly laughing further down the car the train is quiet. Zach and Ryan are both asleep across from us so I venture, "What are we gonna Dunc?"
"Same as always. I don't want things to change," He immediately shares.
I turn to look at his face. There it is, gawd, there it is. That beautiful smile that can light up a dark room, that smile that is just for me. A trait we both are guilty of. I smile back. No more words need to be shared. We both just looked into each other's soul and know things will be alright. I get up and grab our pillows from the overhead compartments. Duncan props his up in the corner of the chair back and the window. I prop mine up against his shoulder. He squeezes my forearm twice as I rest my head on him again. Sleep is just better when I get to do it with him!
[to be continued]