This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Copyright 2009 Jade. All Rights Reserved. Do not post, copy, or use this story in any manner without my permission.
Comments / criticism / feedback? I'd really love to hear from you at : phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
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In This Cruel World
Leading up to Christmas I try to use Yvonne's advice. The very next day I poke my finger in Benji's chest playfully, "Hey mister. You, me, my place, tonight. Mom's making lihapullat with kaalikaaryleet, and we have some pulla she made on the weekend."
He considers for a millisecond, "Your mom's meatballs and cabbage rolls? You had me with that alone, but her sweet bread too? It's not even my birthday until next week! What time?"
My bribe has worked. After school I go to my 4 till 7 shift and when I get home Benji is watching t.v. with my dad. We stuff ourselves on my mom's traditional dinner. Nowadays our parents all make North American fare because it's easier, and all their kids prefer it. Still, there are some favourites that we all crave. After dinner Benji and I crash on the couch while my dad helps my mom clean up the kitchen.
I look deep inside and let it flow, "Benji, I love you, you know that. More than anyone in the world. And that doesn't even include me being gay and you being the perfect guy. I miss you, I miss us. Let's stop the gay shit if you want, I just want you back in my life like before."
"What do you mean? We still do stuff," He says, seemingly caught off guard by me.
"No. We don't. We do stuff together with other people at best. When's the last time you've stayed over or had me over? When have we just chilled? You and I? The summer, that's when Benji. You've been my best friend all my life and I don't feel the friendship anymore."
I thought I'd be the one crying but my words have a profound effect. He doesn't cry but I can see the tears well up in his light brown eyes, "Don't say that. Please don't say that Dunc. I love you more than life itself."
And thus December becomes our month. We limit the sex to a couple times. That's not what I want from him anymore. I just want my friend back. My big deception is in not telling him about sex with Adam. Yvonne, Adam and even Jase promise not to apprise Benji of that development.
A week before Christmas we're watching the Saturday Night Live Christmas episode when a thump at the door startles us. Benji and I get up from the couch. He's ready to attack if someone's breaking in, I'm afraid and ready to scream for help. I tense as we hear something in the first keyhole and then the other. The door opens a few inches and catches on the chain. A hand flails at it, "Ugh. Unghhh! Aw fuck this sucks. I really gotta peeeeeee. Mom? Dad? Duncan? Hansikas? Someone? Anyone? Help!"
I almost piss myself laughing at my drunken brother at the door, especially pleading for even our cat Hansikas (Mittens in Finnish) to let him in! I wish I could get this on video; it's ten times better to me than SNL. I undo the chain and Brennan pours himself in through the door. He squeezes me in a hug and kisses me on the cheek. Then he does the same to Benji. He breaks into laughter and stumbles to the bathroom with his shoes still on.
Benji and I bust out in laughter until my dad gets out of bed to see what trouble we're up to. Brennan seems to have lost his winter coat, shirt, shoes and socks while in the bathroom; emerging in just his jeans and even those he's left undone as he stumbles into the living room. Dad helps settle Brennan down on the couch where he starts to tell us about his night, repeating the same gibberish over and over. Before we can get out of him why he didn't return to his frat home he promptly passes out on us.
Benji takes my bed for the night and I take Brennan's. We don't want Brennan seeing us sleep together anymore, and Benji is worried what will happen if Brennan wakes to go to bed and finds him in it.
In the morning I wake to tickling. I pretend to still be asleep and bide my time until I can snare the offending arm and pull Brennan down on me. I use his momentum to twist his arm behind his back and try to pin the bugger. He had to know I was awake and planning an attach because he gets out of my hold with some ease and turns the tables on me. He waits until I am ready to mount a defense and then simply lets me go.
Brennan sits on the edge of his bed and smiles down at me, "Hey Veli! All I could remember last night was that I wanted to take you out to a movie today. Mom says you've been bugging her to see Sleep Hollow. So I was going to surprise you today, take you out after your game. That was stuck on my drunken mind last night and probably why I ended up coming home after Jay and I struck out at the bar. Just you an me. So what do you say kiddo?"
I answer, "Awesome! Yeah!"
He tickles me for a second again, "Wow! I didn't even have to bribe you with paying or buying you snacks. You're such an easy date!"
"I'm not putting out for you though. I have standards you know! How is, uh, Jane anyway," I toy with him.
Brennan fakes a scowl, "Joan. And she's a walking, talking hemorrhoid. One big pain in the ass. You know it's over with her. But there's this girl Cassie. Red hair like you. Man she's intense. Um, when we study that is."
I tease him, "Yeah, yeah. When you study anatomy and practice birth control maybe!"
"Hey, someone's got to get a good reputation out there for you. But she wants to talk feelings and shit, and I want to feel her shit. Hands down the firmest tits I ever felt! Then she gets all mad and we argue and then, well... you know red heads. I feel sorry for Yvonne."
"Don't. We don't have make up sex because we don't fight. And we don't have sex because we're not like you," I say, which is the truth. I'm not like him; I don't want to have sex with a girl. Ever. Maybe I'll tell him over Christmas and see what he thinks. Like a little brat should, I mean little brother should, I fake argue him some more, "An I don't think I have a temper. You're blonde and don't have one. I'm more mellow than my red head suggests, it's why the blonde suits me. Plus, I'm a gentleman. I keep my thang in my pants!"
"In your hand more likely! And often," he says and gets up. Patting my leg he adds, "Anyhow kiddo, I hafta get back to the dorm and put in a few hours of studying after I sleep this one off. You're game's at 4, movie's at 7:10, meet me downstairs at 6 and we'll head over to Famous Players. I'll even pay if you promise to be a gentleman!"
After Brennan leaves I look over at Benji. My heart's desire is hugging one of my pillows and sleeping on the other. We were going to mess around last night, had planned it and were looking forward to it. But that's ok. I'm feeling just as good because Brennan came by, and even better, he's hanging out with me tonight! I feel like the luckiest kid in town. I lie back in my brother's bed and stare at the ceiling, content in the moment while Benji sleeps. Around a quarter to ten I haul my butt out of bed and have a shower. Afterwards I wake Benji so that he can shower while I have some toast and jam.
My dad drives Benji home on the way to my 11 till 2 shift at the rink. When I'm done Mr. Hart picks me up and takes Benji, Kimi and I to a restaurant for a lazy lunch before hitting another arena for our game. We have a great game and are pumped afterwards because Coach Anders tells us all that he can't find a bad thing to say to any of us today! Wicked!
After the game Mr. Hart was going to take me over to their house but I ask him to please drop me off at home instead. I offer a vague explanation as to why. Inevitably I'd end up inviting Benji and Kimi along too, and then even more people probably. That would be cool, and we can do that for James Bond - The World Is Not Enough or something maybe. But this is my time with my brother! Please excuse me if I covet it.
I'm sitting in the lobby of my condo when Brennan comes to claim me. He's hiding something behind his back when he walks up to me. The security woman at the front desk laughs when he produces a single long stem white rose for me. Screw her! I mean yeah, it's meant to be funny and she knows we're brothers, but she has no idea how good it feels that my brother went to this effort for me just for a laugh. I make him come upstairs with me so Mom can put the rose in water. Mom and Dad don't get it, and that's ok too; they don't have to, it's something between us brothers.
Brennan knows ever since Princess Diana's death that I love white roses. It was an off-shot comment only once while looking at the cover of Elton John's tribute CD to Lady Di. So the flower has a much deeper meaning to me simply because he remembers something so trivial. If it were just a joke he could have picked up any old flower. Instead he took the time to find and pick out a perfectly shaped white rose. So it's a joke for `our date' but with profound thought put into it. He always goes above and beyond for me. And people wonder why I idolize him so and worship the ground he walks upon?
I have a great time with Brennan, love the movie, and when I get home Mom has the rose on the nightstand between the beds for me. Brennan makes a few phone calls as I get ready for bed. He ends up sleeping in his bed for the night. In the morning when he's all ready to get going he wakes me up.
As I sit up and rub my eyes to adjust to the blinding white light coming in from the window he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek again, this time sober, "Hey, I have to get going. I love you kiddo."
My face must be hilarious, trying to cock an eyebrow at him while squinting, "Wassat for?"
"For you, Veli," he says, "Mom and Dad never were the most expressive. And you, you better not ever play poker. You're an open book kiddo. So I want you to know that you're loved."
I try to act calm, but he knows he's made my day, week, and if not for Christmas coming up he'd have made my month too! After his last exam on Wednesday he claims his half of our room back for the next few weeks and I am overjoyed to have him home. He see's that I've waxed the rose he gave me with Dad's help. Dad's a plant expert for a living, things like this are right up his ally. Of course he thinks it's a continuation of a joke and I don't correct him. Brennan smiles at it, carefully takes off a petal, seals it in plastic and puts it in his wallet.
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When Christmas break arrives I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I've had a pent up anxiety building in me for no reason I can put a handle on. Cutting school out of the daily routine quickly extinguishes this. I can do nothing with the best of them. I am relieved that Adam is vacationing up in Whistler with his parents' friends and that Brennan is home until the next semester at university.
The first day Peter comes over and we put some decent time into a couple video games, right up until my mom comments I am in the exact spot she left me in when she went to work. The next day my controllers are miraculously nowhere to be found. Good one Mom! So I go over to Peter's where we get subjected to all the cuteness of his step-sister Etienne and her boyfriend Richard. Peter is my fair-weather friend. We have been tight for years, but go long lapses between hanging out. Then we spend like 2 weeks catching up only to let things slide again. I guess nowadays he spends a lot of time with Cameron, probably because Benji and I used to cut them out. A lot of the time lately when I do see him it's through Etienne.
I get there around noon, Cameron comes by around three, Yvonne drops in with Katy, Sara, Nadine and Heather before Peter and Etienne's parents get home. By dinner time Shawna, Ian and Benji are all over too. We all politely get the boot, so I come up with the incredible idea of hitting the arena. I call and see if the ice is free, and to our luck one rink is free until a game at 7:00 and another is free from 8:00 on through 10:00. After begging my mom to chaperone we all grab our skates, call some other people and end up with maybe 100 classmates, teammates and friends there screwing around and having a good time. Jase even shows. No one even knew he could skate!
My mom books two free hours during the daytime tomorrow for us too so that we can play hockey. Brennan gets saddled with the responsibility of being the adult chaperone and referee for our hockey. With 3 goalies and altogether almost 40 guys and girls in full equipment we have full teams for a fun game. I love the benefits of my Mom's job! I honestly don't think this is a perk of my job. And I love my dad, but being an arbourist doesn't exactly get me benefits like this. No, he can wax flowers like nobody's business and tell me all the varietals of shade trees and whatnot, but he can't get my friends free ice time. Mom has him beat there!
We do the usual family Christmas with the Hartkainen's and Laukkanen's. Only this year we add the Toivonen's; Yvonne and her mother. On Boxing Day (a national holiday in Canada on December 26th) Yvonne's mother flies to visit her husband in Germany. Yvonne's pretty sure that her mom won't be coming back and she'll have to join them. Together we spend the morning moping at my place until Brennan puts Benji and I on a train with the rest of our hockey team; off for a tournament in Calgary.
We have a great time in Calgary. Aside from the tournament our host team takes us to Calgary Olympic Park where we get to ride the bobsleighs with trained athletes. That's a rush! Of course having to hold onto a decent looking guy not that much older than me is a rush of another kind! Otherwise the brothers that Benji and I stay with are kind of dorks. Not to be mean but they are. And they wear Stetsons, cowboy boots and big belt buckles. Benji and I had hoped to mess around in some kid's bed and get off on the danger and excitement of it. If the guys were cute I'd probably swipe something from their laundry too, but they both wear tattered briefs and are not cute. On my fuckable or ugly scale, I wouldn't touch them even if I was drunk and they were willing.
No matter, I have Adam's lucky drawers that I wear for our championship game. Only Benji would be able to place them, and even then I figured I could get away with coincidence. I probably would have too if I didn't act so guilty when he checked me out in them. Yeah, if people are talking about me, he is damn close to being exposed too if he doesn't stop looking for or at my junk in change rooms. After lose in the final game I know he wants to talk to me about this, but it will be exhaustive and emotionally draining to tell him that while he's been trying to score with Katy, I have surpassed the trying stage with Adam and have scored.
Finally on the train ride back he alludes to me wearing Adam's boxers, "Dunc, couldn't help but scope out your lucky charm yesterday. Or should I say Adam's lucky drawers."
I try, I mean really try to look him in the eyes. Leaning in I quietly give him the truth, "Yeah, I got them when I, ah, got lucky."
He looks saddened. He's at a loss for words. I'll always be true to him, even if it hurts, "Benji, please don't be mad. I didn't know how to tell you. I live for what you and I do, but I needed to find out for sure. We were safe. I never wanted to push your rule so yeah, that's how I got the lucky charm."
Benji's quiet. Knowing him inside out he's hurt and needy at the moment. He closes his eyes, and ever so slowly casually adjusts himself until he is definitely leaning my way. I turn myself to look out the window for anyone watching us, but really in doing so I am closer to Benji. I don't want to get into things anymore at the moment with Ryan and Zach opposite us, sharing an ear-bud each to Ryan's CD player. That leaves an ear open each to our conversation. Benji falls asleep leaning up against me as Ryan and Zach dither over their magnetic checkers.
We've just come out of a mountain pass that is the longest single tunnel in North America. The lights have been dimmed a while ago inside the cabin when I feel Benji stirring. My eyes are still adjusting from the dark tunnel to the bright whiteness of a snowstorm as we emerge out of the Mount MacDonald Tunnel. The change in light has stirred him. He snuggles his head into my shoulder and I can't help but sigh.
Why? Why can't he just love me and forget about girls? Why does he have to like girls? Why can't I get past him? Even though my sigh has woken him he leaves his head on my shoulder. I comment on the snowfall in the silence of our train car, "Kinda tranquil, huh? So serene."
Benji nods. I know what he's going to ask, when he gets around to it, so I tell him what I'd bet my life on to be his first question, "We just came out of the Mount MacDonald Tunnel, just under the Roger's Pass. You know that's the longest tunnel in North America? These mountains never fail to amaze me, not a sign of snow on the other side and it's snowing postcard-perfect on this side."
He nods again and asks me, "What are we gonna do Dunc?"
I wish I had an honest answer, "Same as always. I don't want things to change."
He turns to look at me. He's so beautiful, he makes me feel so good. I smile a broad smile for him. He smiles back. What a mess I am making of things. Messing around with Adam isn't fair to Benji, even if he won't be my boyfriend. I have to end things with Adam. Benji gets up and grabs our pillows. When I return from the bathroom he's taken my window seat. I don't complain; I just smile. After settling in we doze off. I'll forever maintain that sleep is just better when I get to do it with him!
Around 6:30 in the morning Assistant Coach Clark nudges me awake. He and Coach Anders are waking us all up and letting us know that the train is early. As my arm is firmly around Benji he suggests, "I'll let you wake the other three up once you've got yourself out of an embarrassing situation."
Fully realizing what he's referring to I hug Benji tighter and smile, "What's embarrassing? This?"
I have no idea how he takes it, if he is shocked or thinks I was kidding. I'd love to say I don't care. Thing is; I do care. I really want him to know that one of his better players this year likes boys. Sure I'm worried about the consequences, but just like the time on the park bench with Adam I feel that the power to control the situation is in my hands. As the coaches continue down the train car I kiss Benji's ear and quietly say hey a few times in it to rouse him. I like Ryan more, so to wake Zack and him after Benji and I are up I kick Zach in the knee.
We get off the train almost at 7:00 am to a much warmer day in Vancouver than we left in Calgary. Somewhere after the snow around midnight we must have hit some clear sailing and beat the snow-delay estimated arrival time. I could call my brother to pick us up earlier, but he'll either be catching a few more minutes of sleep still, or having a shower. Either way, Brennan shouldn't be around until 7:30, but he strolls in only five minutes after we sit down.
Driving us home he grabs Tim Horton's drive-thru coffee for himself and muffins for Benji and I. Cranberry lemon for Benji and good old classic chocolate chip for me. We drop Benji off and head for home. Along the way Brennan prods at me, "You two were quiet? Not a peep out of either of you how you did. And no banter between you, you fighting?"
"Mmm, no. Just tired I guess. We made it to the finals, but got smoked," I debate telling Brennan everything but I don't. Earlier it was easy to put it out there to my assistant coach. But he means little to me. Brennan means the world to me so I don't want to disappoint him with my news today.
When we get home I'm still tired and Brennan is enjoying his Christmas break. As we both strip down to our boxers he tells me there's a message for me, "One of your friends dropped by yesterday. Jason, he says he lives over in the Majestic. Wants you to call him today and head over with your guitar."
"Aight," I say, burying myself in the comfort of my bed.
He asks, "So when you're done staring out the windows and have the complexities of your life figured out, that's where you're heading?"
"I'm not brooding Bren," I say a little too weak to be convincing.
"Right. You're curled up all comfy-like, practically sideways on your bed so you can lose yourself in the world beyond our windows," he comments before letting it go, "If Mom and Dad aren't home from the Hartkainen's cottage and I'm not up yet, wake me up when you leave kiddo."
I absently reply, "O.K. I will. Thanks."
After about a hour of introspection while trying to sleep I get up and have a shower. When I was younger I discovered that was when Brennan masturbated. I'd come back to the room and he was breathing heavy or covering up or something that tipped me off he was up to no good. So out of curiosity, after that I used to take the quickest showers imaginable so that I could try and see what he was doing. Then when I finally understood what he was doing I started doing it in the shower myself, affording him time to relax in bed.
Anyhow, this week my parents took the opportunity to spend a few days at the Hartkainen's cottage with them while Benji and I were away, and aren't back yet. Brennan's going to be home alone as soon as I leave so I don't worry about having an extra long shower for his benefit today. Once I'm gone he can have at it all he wants.
I wake Brennan and tell him I'm heading out, hug him and leave. I'm almost 16, maybe I shouldn't be hugging him anymore but I don't care, "I'm off to save the world with music. If Mom and Dad ask, I'm with Jase. They'll know. Then I think we're going to Ian's for New Year's. Oh and tell Mom and Dad I'll call them."
"That's what your cell phone is for. But sure, for you I will. Have fun Veli," he says and rolls back over.
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When I get to Jase's place he's all smiles. I don't quite know why but I hug him, "How was your Christmas?"
He hugs me back with no qualms, "Good, good. I got something for you!"
"For me? Damn, I didn't think we were doing that. I kinda don't have anything for you," I relate.
"It's all good. You can give me the money for this if you like it," he says as he leads me to his room and to a weathered guitar case. Opening up the well used case I see an equally well cared for acoustic guitar. Only looking at it I realize it's a left-handed guitar!
"Wicked," I exclaim.
"Yeah, found it at a flea market on Boxing Day. Talked a guy down ten bucks from fifty. It's got a great tone. I'd almost keep it myself but playing left feels uncoordinated."
We get to playing and I definitely will buy the guitar off Jase. I've got some Christmas money from my grandparents so I give Jase a couple twenty dollar bills when I figure I better get going.
"Hey, Ian's having a New Year's thing. If you're free you should come," I offer, thinking he probably doesn't have plans.
"Uh, thanks. I'm chill. To put your heart and mind at ease Duncan I'm going to a thing with Sasha and a couple girls from his school down at City Hall. All our parents are going to be there so why not? It's the millennium dude," He reveals.
Guitar case in one hand, turning on my phone now that I don't mind if it rings in the other, I hug him again, "Aight, well Happy New Year then! See ya next millennium! And thanks for picking this up, great nab!"
When my phone comes to life there are 20 missed calls! Eight alone are from Benji. I go to my voicemail and the thing says my mailbox is full, please erase some to receive any new messages yadda-yadda. I listen to Peter's and then the first of Benji's. He sounds in near panic, so I flip my phone shut, re-open it and dial his cell.
"Benji? Where are you," I ask.
He sounds a little relieved and a lot upset, "Over at your place trying to find you. I figured I'd check and see if you were with Adam. Where are you?"
"Wow. Jealous much? Ne'mind, Ima take that one back. Adam's family goes to Whistler for the holidays and he's head over heals in love with one of the kids who's parents own or run the lodge or whatever. Jase and I were just strumming at his place. I turned off my ringer and what a mistake. Like twenty missed calls and eight of them are you. My mailbox looks to be full of where are you's and call me's! Where's the fire? Hang on, I might lose you, the elevator's here," I say as the elevator finally arrives.
"Yeah, Peter was worried that you were missing," Benji says as the elevator door closes and I completely lose my signal.
Looking at my phone I'm about to dial again when I step out of the elevator and see Benji right there. It comes out sounding British when in surprise I say, "And there you are."
He looks down at my guitar case and asks what I have. I tell him but he's skeptical. He tells me his side of things and I can clearly gather that he thinks I was with Adam. First off, Adam actually lives in The Palace, the tower between mine and Jase, not the end one with Jase. So it's not like I could have been visiting Adam, fucking our brains out in the first place. Second, he relates that Brennan told him what I was doing.
Somehow he still thinks it was a cover so I set him straight before we enter my place, "You're quiet Benji. That's not good. We'll talk, but I hafta grab a shower and get my ass moving if we're getting to Ian's by eight. Can you toss something into the nuker for me if there are any pizza pockets or whatever? And seriously, I was with Jase and I only checked my messages when I was getting ready to leave. He's in The Majestic, Adam lives in The Palace, I live in The Royale and I don't think I know anyone in The Imperial. You can call Adam and Jase but you won't 'cause you know I'm not lying. I love you too much to."
He seems to accept the truth as I unlock the door and enter. Might have something to do with the lip on lip action I give him. It's been a while since we've kissed on the lips. He's standing just inside the living room / dining room area watching me as I start undressing. Oops, Brennan has a girl with him on the one couch, opposite Mom and Dad on the other.
Wait a sec, that's Jen or Jenna from like a year ago! Hmm, I guess she's back in the picture again after two or three girls in between. Oh well, who doesn't think a younger brother being a younger brother is cute? Not like it's worth covering up now! Brennan's staring at me as I kick off my pants, but so is Benji as I walk down the hallway. When I get far enough that my parents and Jen can't see I drop my boxers too, giving them my moon.
On our way over to Ian's I eat a pizza pocket. I try to explain things from my perspective to Benji, "I shouldn't say this because it isn't fair to you...but if there ever was the slightest chance you would consider sex with me I'd kick Adam to the curb so fast. But like I said, that's not fair to you. If we can still just mess around I'll ditch him too. You taste a hundred times sweeter than him."
He licks me like a dog and says, "You can have both I guess."
"Thanks," I mutter while grabbing a feel of his package. Not the answer I wanted. Either way I've already decided to give up Adam. Fight for me Benji! I can see the jealousy seething in your eyes. Take a chance and commit to me!
[to be continued]