Greetings everyone,
I must say I'm just completely speechless about the response I got from chapter 15. Thanks to everybody who wrote me! Also thanks to everyone who sounded off about what they'd like to see from Rocky. All your comments have helped me bring him back to life in the story.
To those of you thinking this is the end of the story.... don't worry! There's still some stuff that they have to go through before I end this tale. Don't forget Justin has to come out..... but the end is near. More like a light at the end of the tunnel.
Also thanks for the response to the Phil and Wade short story. I'm glad you all liked it.
As usual: This story is purely fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of 'N Sync or anyone associated with their organization. It is meant for those over the age of 18 only and those who wish to read stories with sexual content.
Flying Without Wings - Chapter Sixteen
"No, I know Lance. I'm sorry that I've put you in the middle again." Justin paused while Lance talked. He frowned, making a funny, scrunched up face. Jamie giggled and immediately covered it with his hand. "Tell Johnny I'll pay the fine, this is more important. We'll see you on Tuesday at the venue. All our luggage is by the front door, just have someone go over and pick it up to put on the bus. Bye."
Justin quickly hung up his cell and shut it off. Jamie wasn't quick enough and his went off almost immediately. He shut it off without answering and shoved it to the bottom of his backpack. "Lance mad?"
"A little, but he understood. It's just that Johnny will jump all over him because I'm gone."
Jamie nodded and noticed Zack walking toward them and waved him over to their protected spot behind some pillars. "Hey, buddy," Jamie greeted him with a hug.
"Hi guys." Zack returned Jamie's hug and gave one to Justin.
"Let's get out of here before I'm recognized, ok?" Justin looked around and pulled his ball cap further down on his head and adjusted his sunglasses.
Because of the late hour the ride into town didn't take long. Zack caught up with all the gossip, preferring to talk about the reason for their visit when finally at their hotel. Once they were behind the closed door Jamie asked the question that was burning in his mind.
"So what's his condition, Zack?"
"It doesn't look good."
Jamie sighed and Justin held his hand. "What happened?"
"Well, the hospital hasn't been all that free with info but I've been able to piece together this much. Last year when Rocky was in jail, the other inmates found out why. Rapists aren't treated well it seems, especially gay ones. He became the cell block toy for quite awhile until someone new came in. Between that and drugs he was infected with HIV."
"Oh my God," Justin breathed, staring at the wall.
"I got this through the detective who handled your case. He seemed concerned for you when Rocky was released. He feared Rocky would come and get you but he was already sick by then and didn't have the means to track you down."
Jamie sat still and pale trying to make sense of everything. "So... so what's happened now?"
Zack looked at Jamie sadly. "Well, he only got sicker. His family disowned him after he was sent to jail so he's been living on the street, hustling here and there. He didn't take his medicine even though it was free from the clinic and developed full blown AIDs. I talked to my Aunt who works in Pediatrics there and she found out that he has several things wrong with him and he isn't strong enough to fight them."
Jamie shook his head. "So he's dying?"
Zack nodded somberly. "He's got a pneumonia from hell that gets worse no matter what they do and some infection in his brain that's eating away at whatever is left in there. I don't know all the medical terms. My aunt said that he was not expected to last the week and that was 5 days ago."
Jamie silently went over to one of the beds and lay down. He curled around a pillow and stared out the window.
"Will they let us see him?" Justin asked while looking at Jamie's back with concern.
"They will since he asked for you. The doctor in charge contacted the detective at Rocky's request and he called me."
Justin nodded. "I'm worried, Zack," he said quietly. "Jamie's been through a tough weekend and I don't know if he can do this right now."
"I can," Jamie's voice responded from across the room. "I'm gonna have to. I need to."
The antiseptic smell of the hospital filled their noses. Justin looked over at Jamie, standing pale and drawn, while they waited for the elevator to let them off. Zack had to work that morning and Jamie wouldn't hear of him calling in sick to tag along.
They exited the elevator and found a nurses station. Jamie hung back while Justin asked the nurse for directions to Rocky's room. She looked at both of them strangely for a second then escorted them down the hall.
"May I ask you a question?" the nurse asked when she had stopped by one door.
Jamie nodded. "Um, sure."
"Are you relatives or friends?" The nurse didn't wait for a response. "It really doesn't matter but you've been the only people to come and see him in the last two weeks, I was just curious."
"I guess you could say we are friends," Jamie said tightly.
The nurse nodded, satisfied. "Ok, some preliminary questions. Do either of you have compromised immune systems?"
They both shook their heads at her. "We're both HIV negative," Justin replied.
"Good. He's not contagious himself but we don't like to take chances. Don't worry about passing anything on to him..." she trailed off and shook her head sadly. "Well, if you need anything just ring the call bell. The doctor is doing his rounds right now so you'll probably meet him if you stay for a little while." She left them and returned to her station.
Jamie looked at Justin and took a deep breath. Justin smiled and ran a finger along his cheek. "You ok?"
"As well as can be expected."
"I'll be right inside the door. If you need me I'm right here."
Jamie nodded. "I love you."
"I love you too."
Squaring his shoulders Jamie reached for the door handle and faltered. Trying again, he got his fingers around the cold metal and pulled the door open. He walked into the room on shaky legs with Justin right behind him. Jamie looked at the sterile room. Rocky had nobody to send him cards or flowers and the white walls looked bleak. Steeling himself, he looked over at the bed. The clear plastic oxygen tent gave the bed a surreal look.
The man laying in the bed looked nothing like the boyfriend Jamie had known. He had lost a staggering amount of weight and his face had the sunken look of people sick for a long time. A tear dropped down Jamie's cheek when he remembered a different Rocky. One that smiled and laughed, a man that cared, or seemed to.
Justin's hand rubbed his shoulder and he took strength from it. With a smile to his beloved, he walked closer to the bed. Rocky was asleep and his chest rose shallowly up and down. His breath was a wheezing gasp that rattled in his frail body.
"Why, Rocky?" he asked quietly not expecting an answer.
"I've asked myself that question many times." The dry voice startled Jamie and he took a step back. Rocky opened his eyes as he turned his head. "So you came."
"I needed to."
"You look good, put on a little muscle. I've seen you've done well for yourself. Touring with that boy group and all." His tone was sarcastic and cruel.
"Rocky..."
"No! I'm dying, Jamie. You understand that? I'm dying because of -you-." He coughed roughly and settled down on the bed.
Jamie half turned as if to leave, tears streaking his face. "No..." he whispered.
"Ya, that's right, run away. Poor spoiled brat that you are. You've had it so easy all your life. Your family pampered you, you were the teacher's pet for all your classes and now you get cushy jobs and go on with life."
Jamie turned his head to look Rocky in the eye. "What?"
Justin tensed in the doorway. He didn't think Rocky had the strength to leave the bed, but he wasn't taking any chances. His heart started breaking at Rocky's words, knowing that this was the one thing that could push Jamie over the edge.
"You heard me. I've had to fight for everything that I ever had. When I was young my father beat me and my mother. I was a teenager when an older boy in the neighborhood raped me, he laughed and told me I deserved it. I barely finished High School and ran out of money just as we started going out. I started tricking so I could finish my education and get a decent job."
"Rocky, you never told me..."
"Would you have cared?" Rocky was breathing deeply and put a plastic mask over his mouth when he started coughing again.
Anger flared in Jamie. All the anger remaining inside burst outward. He rounded on Rocky and stood over him. "How dare you!? I did care. If you had shared any of that you know I would have supported you. I loved you! I would've helped any way I could. Instead, you chose to keep secrets from me and cheat on me with nameless guys for money."
Rocky chuckled. "Can't get past that, can you? You weren't the only one, not the center of the universe."
Jamie didn't let Rocky's words phase him. "You know, you're a sorry excuse. Sure you had a rough life but that doesn't excuse you treating other people like shit. Whether or not I agree with how you were making money, you decided not to tell me. But even that doesn't matter."
"Well, aren't you all forgiving. So what was your problem?"
"Rocky, how could you forget you beat me. Raped me and beat me! I've been so messed up about that for so long. I loved and trusted you and you treated me like... like..." Jamie was on the point of tears. This wasn't how he wanted this to go but he'd take it as it could come. "You treated me like I didn't matter to you and was just in your way. I thought you loved me."
Rocky just stared at the ceiling and stayed silent. Jamie noticed his jaw twitch and his eyes get moist. "So why are you here?"
"I needed to see you one last time. I came right away when I heard." Jamie's voice lowered.
"Why? You don't care anymore. Nobody does."
"There's a part of me that will always love and care for you..."
Rocky turned his head away. "Just go," he said huskily. "I want to be alone."
"I'll be back in a little bit when we've both calmed down." Jamie turned before stopping. "Would you like anything?"
Rocky shook his head and started coughing. Jamie walked to the door and he and Justin left the room quietly.
"How are you doing?" Justin asked gently.
"Ok," Jamie shivered. "Let's go get something to eat. I could use some coffee or something."
Once in the hospital cafeteria they sat. Jamie stared at the table top while Justin looked at him with concern.
"You gonna be ok?"
Jamie nodded. "Ya. That was a little intense but I can deal with it. He can't hurt me anymore." He took out his cell phone and checked his voice mail. "Seven messages... bet they're all from Lance."
Justin snickered and went to get some donuts for them to munch on. Jamie was almost right, five of the seven were from Lance ranging from outrage to worry. Justin came back and sat, listening in. The sixth was Phil saying that Johnny had called there looking for them. Jamie smiled. "Good old, Lance. He hasn't told Johnny anything."
Jamie frowned when he heard the last message. "What is it, sweet pea?"
"It's Max from the Firm."
"Oh... so have you decided?"
"I haven't even thought about it and I told him I'd give him my answer today."
Justin reached over and held his hand. "Whatever you decide won't stop me from loving you."
Jamie smiled and dialed the number. After waiting to be connected he was speaking with Max directly. "Hi, Max. It's Jamie Campbell. Listen, I know I promised my answer today but I'm in the middle of a huge personal thing and need more time." He paused listening to Max.
"I wouldn't mind meeting with you but I'm in Boston. I know you're on a time crunch but I just can't deal with anything else right now and need a little more time to sort through things and do some serious thinking." Again he listened, his face getting tight.
"Well, ok then. If you need an answer right now, it will have to be no thanks. If you want to give me another week then -maybe- my decision would be different. With how I feel right now I can't accept it." Another shorter pause. "Goodbye, Max."
Justin looked at him expectantly. "So?"
"Max accepted my decision and said that they would start searching again and would call me before they asked the next person to see if my answer was any different."
A short while later, they returned to the room with a potted flower and a stuffed panda bear. They peeked in on Rocky. His head was turning back and forth violently as he mumbled incoherently. Jamie got scared and pushed the call button. Within in a minute a different nurse appeared in the room, noticed Rocky's condition and busied herself around him.
"What's wrong?" Jamie asked.
"He's having another episode. It's because of his Toxo. He'd been getting them more often the last two days." She checked the IV drip, made sure Rocky was covered and went to the door. "The doctor will be coming here next. You can ask him more detailed questions about your friend's care." She went out the door.
Jamie and Justin looked at each other then turned to Rocky. He stared at them with unfocused eyes. "Hey, who are you?"
Jamie looked at him uncertainly and with a large dose of pity. "It's Jamie, Rocky."
"Ok." Rocky slipped back into whatever world he was in and paid no more attention to them, coughing every so often.
Before they could even blink a tall young man in a white coat confidently entered the room. He eyed Justin and Jamie as he approached Rocky's bed. Rocky watched him closely as the doctor checked his chart then started pulling the side of the tent away. "How are we today?" he asked genially.
Rocky shrugged his shoulders. "Feel ok. Still coughing though. Can't you fix that?"
"We're trying." After a fairly routine examination the doctor, whose name turned out to be Carl Fuller, motioned for Jamie and Justin to talk with him in the hall. "Are you family?" he asked.
Jamie was on the verge of lying but decided it better to be truthful. "No. Probably the only friends he has left."
Carl nodded. "Well, I guess since he's alone I can tell you this. Your friend doesn't have much time left. I just came from looking over his latest x-rays and I don't give him another 24 hours before he goes into respiratory failure. I'm sorry."
Jamie looked to Justin completely lost. Justin took up the slack. "Just what is wrong with him?"
"Several things. He has full blown AIDs and that's done a number on his system. He has Pneumocystis carinii, a viral pneumonia, and that alone in his condition is enough to kill him. He also has Toxoplasmosis. That's what's causing his little mental excursions. They'll only get worse until he's gone completely but I don't think he'll live long enough for that to happen.."
"Isn't there..." Jamie choked up and Justin rubbed his shoulder. "Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm sorry, we've done all we can. It's out of our hands now."
"Thanks, doctor," Justin said shaking his hand. He nodded and headed down the hall to his next patient.
Together they went back into Rocky's room. He watched them carefully. "Jamie is that you?" It seemed his episode was over.
"Yes, I'm here."
"Who's with you? My vision is all blurry."
"A friend from work," Jamie answered simply. That seemed to satisfy Rocky and he lay back. Jamie handed Rocky the stuffed animal. "I thought you'd like this."
Rocky took the gift and held it close to look at it. "Thanks," he said softly. Tentatively he held out his hand and Jamie took it. "I..." He stumbled to a stop as tears rolled down his cheeks. "I'm scared, Jamie."
"I know."
Rocky pulled Jamie's hand and pressed his cheek against it. "I've been doing some thinking. What you said earlier... did you mean it?"
Jamie looked at him seriously. "I meant every word."
Rocky nodded. "I didn't." He coughed some into a linen handkerchief. Jamie noticed a slight taint of blood in the phlegm. "I said all that because I wanted to try to hurt you. I don't know why."
"It's all right, Rocky."
"No!" he said fervently. "It's not alright. I was angry and scared and lashed out at you... again." Rocky looked at Jamie, his face flushed with a fever. "I'm gonna die, Jamie, I can feel it. It gets harder and harder to breath."
"I know, Rocky, it's ok. I'm right here." Tears stained Jamie's cheeks.
"What's that guy's name?" Rocky pointed over to Justin, squinting as he tried to make him out.
"His name is Justin," Jamie said.
"I thought I recognized him. Hey, Justin, you have a hell of a right hook."
Justin walked to stand behind Jamie. "I'm sorry I had to show it to you."
"It's ok, I deserved it." Rocky coughed again for a long while. When he was done Jamie noticed that his breathing was even more labored.
"Just rest, Rocky. We'll stay with you for a while."
"I have some things to say. I know it's late but hopefully not too late. Jamie, I regret what I did, I really do. I don't know what came over me. I got so angry and I was ashamed what everyone would think of me."
"It's ok, Rocky."
"Stop saying that, it's not ok." He coughed briefly and looked up at Jamie. "At first I was real angry with you. While I was in jail I had alot of time to think and since then too. I wanted to blame you so much for everything that had happened but I've come to realize something."
"What's that?"
"You were the only person who loved me for me. You always did."
"I always will," Jamie added softly.
Rocky nodded as if Jamie's words confirmed something to him. "In the last month I've accepted that I'm to blame for everything. I can't blame my father or you or anyone else anymore. I asked to see you because I wanted to apologize."
Jamie ran his hand along Rocky's cheek, his tears running freely. "I forgive you."
"You do?" A hopeful look came over his face. "That the truth?"
Jamie nodded. "I wouldn't lie to you, even now."
"Justin?"
"Ya, Rocky?"
"You two are together aren't you?"
Both Justin and Jamie were shocked by Rocky's words. "Um... we... ah..." Justin started.
"It's ok, I understand. I'm afraid I've got nobody to tell and no time to tell them anyway, so don't worry about your secret."
"Yes, we're together, Rocky," Jamie said softly. "He's helped me through all my pain. Justin has been a miracle for me." Jamie rubbed his cheek against the hand Justin put on his shoulder.
"I'm glad. At least -something- good has come from all this." Rocky started coughing again, more violently. Jamie noticed more red staining the handkerchief.
"You should rest now," Jamie advised. The sound of Rocky's breathing was coming now as a shallow gurgle.
Rocky nodded and looked to Jamie hopefully. "Would you hold me?"
"Sure," Jamie said without hesitation. He moved more of the tent out of the way and sat on Rocky's bed and pulled him into his arms. Rocky was disturbingly light and frail and it made Jamie's heart break.
"Oh, Justin. Inside that table there's something I want Jamie to have." Justin opened the table Rocky indicated and took out a picture and handed it to Rocky. "I held onto this all through my jail time up to now. I want you to have it."
Jamie looked at the photograph. It was a picture of the both of them on a float covered with rainbow confetti. "It's us at the Pride Parade that summer..." Jamie said around new tears.
"I kept looking at that and remembered better times," Rocky said as he snuggled into Jamie's chest. "One more favor. Would you sing me that song?"
Jamie smiled and rubbed his back. "Sure." He got more comfortable and began.
"No one here to guide
Now you're on your own
Only us beside you
Still you're not alone
No one is alone
Truly
No one is alone
Sometimes people leave you
Halfway through the wood
Others may deceive you
You decide what's good
You decide alone
But no one is alone
People make mistakes
Fathers... mothers...
People make mistakes
Holding to their own
Thinking they're alone
Honor they're mistakes
Everybody makes
One another's terrible mistakes
Witches can be right
Giants can be good
You decide what's right
You decide what's good
Just remember
Some one is on your side
Some else is not
While you're seeing your side
Maybe you forgot
They are not alone
No one is alone
Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go
Things will turn out right now
We can make it so
Some one is on your side
No one is alone."
Rocky was breathing heavily as tears fell from his eyes. "Thank you, Jamie," he wheezed. "Justin, take care of him. He deserves it." Rocky fell silent and hugged Jamie tightly.
Jamie hugged him back and held on as Rocky cried. Justin stood and put his hands on Jamie's shoulders. They stood there while Rocky's breathing became even shallower. After one shuddering breath there wasn't another. Jamie cried as he rocked the still form in his arms. Justin quietly left the room to get the nurse.
October 16, 2000 - Boston
He's dead.
There's nothing more can I say. One whole year of pain and now he's not there. I don't know what I feel. I'm numb and empty inside. Justin's sleeping beside me but I can't. He looks so good in the dim light, my angel.
I spent the afternoon on the phone with Leslie and my mom talking but not hearing. Justin touches me and I feel nothing. I take comfort that he's there. I feel his love and know I love him in return, but don't feel it. I feel like that girl in Chorus Line: I reach down deep to the bottom of my soul and try to reach what I have inside... and there's nothing there.
Something's broken inside me now. I thought once I saw Rocky and said what I wanted that it would be all better. There are no quick fixes it seems.
Maybe it's better this way for now. Not feeling anything also means I can't hurt. A small blessing, I guess.
Zack took us to his parent's house for dinner. It was nice to see them again. They fussed over us and our rings. I watched the whole evening as if I was another person. I saw myself smile and nod and laugh at jokes. That wasn't me. It was a pretend me.
I'm not showing this to Justin. He knows I'm writing here but I'll put it away and he won't pry until later.
I have to do something... go somewhere... but I don't know.
With heavy footsteps, Justin entered the large dressing room and leaned against the wall. Staring off into space, he ignored the bustle around him. Lonnie stood nearby looking on sadly.
Chris walked in and nearly missed him. "Curly!" he yelled. He ran over to Justin and gave him a hug. "Where have you been? We've all missed you. Lance has been in such a foul mood since Johnny wrung him dry about you taking off like that."
Chris' loud voice brought the others running and soon they had surrounded Justin with hugs and greetings. Justin smiled at them but remained silent. JC was looking at him with concern while Lance tried to get Chris to shut up. It was Joey who made the obvious observation.
"Justin, where's Jamie?" he asked looking around.
That's all it took and Justin started sobbing and fell into JC's arms.
"Justin," Lance said gently putting a hand on Justin's shoulder. "Where is he? What's wrong?"
Justin shook his head absently.
Chris and Joey looked at each other with concern in their eyes. JC patted Justin's back. "Just, when is he coming back?"
"I don't know," Justin whispered and continued sobbing.
Jamie sat in his room staring out the window. A knock at the door distracted him momentarily. "Ya?"
"Sonny, want to go to the mall with me?"
"No, Phil."
"Oh, come on. You've been sitting in here that last four days doing nothing. You need to get out and get a little exercise and fresh air."
"Philly, please. I really don't feel like it."
"You know all the guys have called asking for you. Joey seemed hurt that you wouldn't talk to him."
Jamie sighed. "I just want to stay here be left alone for while."
"Ok, it's your choice but Ma is gonna yell at you when she gets home."
"Phil, I love you but GO AWAY!"
"Grouch!" Phil stomped down the stairs leaving Jamie alone in his thoughts. The phone rang several times but Jamie ignored it. Another knock on his door brought a growl from Jamie.
"Phil, I said leave me alone!"
"Hey, don't yell at me. I'm not the annoying one. I'm the older more lovable one."
"Dan!" Jamie yelled and launched himself at his older brother. "What are you doing here?" he asked, hugging him fiercely.
"Just my every other month visit. Phil didn't tell you?"
"No, we really haven't been talking alot."
Dan looked deeply into Jamie's eyes. "Why are -you- here? You're supposed to be on tour."
Jamie let Dan go and went back to the bed. "I needed to get away for awhile."
"Justin's worried about you."
Jamie jerked his head away. "What am I doing?"
"What's wrong, Sonny?" He moved and sat next to his troubled brother.
"Nothing."
"No, now you're going to tell me all about it. Start back a week or so, I want the whole story."
"Dan..."
"No... talk... now!"
And talk Jamie did. He poured out his soul to Dan and left nothing out. "And so that's when I came here. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go."
Dan sighed and hugged Jamie. "Why didn't you stay with them? Justin sounded pretty upset."
"Have you talked to him?"
"He called me yesterday. He's worried and miserable, Sonny."
"I know. I just need some time."
Dan nodded. "He understands that but there's nothing you can get here that you can't get with him."
"You're right as usual, big brother."
The guys of 'NSync found themselves knee deep in everything that went with a major tour. Interviews, photo shoots, autograph signings, the shows themselves and the traveling all combined to keep them busy and exhausted.
Justin carried on in a depressed fog. He was fine during his performances but was a little leaden everywhere else. The other guys cut him the slack he needed during interviews and appearances. Without Jamie he was lost and adrift. For not the first time he was reminded of just how much he relied on Jamie.
The bus had just pulled up to the arena in Birmingham. The schedule called for an early sound check then the rest of the afternoon at the hotel resting and getting settled for the double header. Joey and Chris ran off the bus and into the stadium full of energy. Next was Justin, hands deep in his pockets and shuffling his steps. Lance and JC followed him with sad glances.
"We have to do something, Josh."
"I know, but what? Jamie won't answer the phone and we don't have the time to go to Maine and get him until next weekend."
Lance sighed and shook his head.
They entered the arena and headed to the lounge room. Justin was there sitting on the couch. Joey and Chris were nearby at the foosball table. Every so often they'd look over at him and frown. JC went and sat next to him. Justin leaned on his shoulder and sighed. Lance did what he always did when stressed: paced.
"So who died around here anyway?" a chipper voice from the door asked. "You guys look like rejects from the Addam's Family." Four heads snapped in the direction of the newcomer and were immediately covered with smiles.
Justin stood slowly, tears tracking down his cheeks, and pulled the Jamie into his arms. "I've missed you so much," he said kissing his cheeks.
"I'm back," Jamie said with conviction. "I'm back." His double meaning was not lost on any of the guys as they joined Justin in a group hug.
tbc...
Notes: No One Is Alone: Stephen Sondheim - 1987
Wonderful song from the show 'Into The Woods'
There's the latest. Comments and suggestions are always welcome!
Jim bangoremail1@yahoo.com