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Life's Illusions - 10 years on - Chapter 33
He was nervous, worried.
Pierre couldn't deny it, two months had disappeared, almost in the bat of an eye, the initial intense pressure, the uncertainty, had all devolved into a relaxed daily grind of fittings, re-fittings, exercises and continual encouragement.
Today they were due to fly home, well, not strictly true for Pierre, they were flying to Torremolinas, Juan's home, not Pierre's home.
This last week had been one of turmoil in Pierre's head, what was he supposed to do?, Juan didn't need him, he'd made such an impressive leap forward in self sufficiency he didn't need anyone, he was his own man again, confident, able bodied, he had no need for support, no need for Pierre.
The dynamics had changed dramatically, Pierre was completely out of his depth, unable to understand or decide what he should do.
On the flight out Juan had been nervous, clearly worried, but once again it was Pierre who'd calmed him, reassured him, brought him back to a place of peace, just as he'd continued to do throughout the long period of rehabilitation.
Pierre still marvelled recalling the conversation with PJ, Lenny and Woody prior to walking in on Juan and Josef on the night of his party, when he'd told Juan about Switzerland, the night when they'd struck their deal.
He'd gone to Chateau Montclair that day to ask a favour.
His Poppas had offered to speak to PJ, but Pierre, being Pierre, he'd insisted he needed to do it himself.
The favour he wanted was to borrow one of PJ's airplanes.
He'd come away from Montclair with way more than he'd ever asked for, more than he could ever have believed possible.
Hearing Pierre's request, PJ had immediately agreed to place number one, his and Lenny's personal plane, at their disposal, but it was Lenny who stunned him.
Lenny had asked if she could arrange their accommodation, a gift from her, in an almost daze Pierre had agreed, until Woody in a fit of laughter intervened.
Pierre had hardly registered, whilst he was talking with PJ, Lenny had disappeared for a while before returning and asking if she could arrange their accommodation.
Woody had then laughingly explained what Lenny, his beloved mother, had actually said.
"Let me translate for you Pierre, what my devious Momma actually just said was, I've already rented, or possibly even bought, a house which will accommodate everyone, it's a done deal so live with it".
Lenny was glaring at Woody until he explained some more.
"Momma always sorts the accommodation, she's a master at it, and it's always geared to cope with the whole family turning up, and believe me, they will".
Woody paused, seemingly thinking.
"You have to understand Pierre, he may be your guy, but he's also Momma's grandson, my nephew, Reece's son, Josef and Sofia's brother, we all, the whole family, have a vested interest in his recovery".
Woody paused to smile at his mother who nodded for him to carry on.
"Then there's you, well what can I say except, I'm guessing in my Momma's eyes, and the eyes of all of us, right about now you hold number one, the ultimate, Arc Angel status, because you brought him back to us, and for that nothing is too much if it helps you, so go to Switzerland, be comfortable whilst you work your magic on Juan, and know that we all, every last one of us, is now, and always will be, eternally grateful to you".
Pierre had been so emotional he'd actually burst into tears at that point.
But today was the day, they were due to fly home, as soon as Juan arrived back from his last visit to the clinic.
Juan had said nothing, given no hint of what he felt.
This last week had been the most difficult for Pierre, seemingly they were just friends, sleeping in separate rooms, no more, Juan had been quiet, cutting off calls if Pierre was within earshot, whispering into his phone, completely preoccupied, secretive.
Pierre had spoken with his Poppas, with Piers, he'd cried telling them he thought Juan regretted making that deal, confessed he was frightened, he just needed to escape, he couldn't take hearing Juan tell him he wasn't wanted, he knew it would break his heart.
While he waited for Juan to return Piers rang back.
"I have the solution for you Bro, Poppa Bo has chartered a plane for you, it will be alongside PJ's plane, if you need it, it's there for you, you can use it or not, you decide, call me when you're airborne, we need to know you're alright, if you use the plane there'll be a car waiting at Nice to bring you home, we love you Bro, we've missed you".
They'd arranged a private plane to take him directly back to Nice if he needed it and as each minute ticked by he was more certain he did.
At the clinic Juan was in really good spirits, he had this day planned exactly.
Leaving the clinic he gave his driver directions to Gubelin on Freie Strasse 27, a well known Jeweller, he'd been liaising with them for weeks, having a personal shopper visit him at the clinic to finalise the details, taking calls where he'd had to whisper or even cut off because Pierre was near, his plans were a complete secret from Pierre.
Insisting the driver pull up outside, he knew he'd only be a few minutes, he'd waited nervously for news that his order was ready, he'd heard yesterday, it was ready to collect, all of it.
He wanted to wait until they were airborne, leaving Pierre no avenue of escape, he planned on nothing spoiling the surprise before they'd taken off.
Once they were at cruising altitude he planned to have champagne served and ask Pierre to look in his carry on bag.
There would be sitting the first part of his surprise to Pierre, a set of solid gold Dog Tags, inscribed with words which he'd changed many times before he was certain they said exactly what he wanted them to.
'From Juan with enduring love to my Pierre, the one who saved me, restored me, gave me back my life, you are, and always will be, my soulmate, the one and only holder of my heart forever xxx'.
He planned to slip the first surprise into Pierre's bag without him knowing, before they left for the airport.
The last part of his surprise he'd keep in his pocket.
He'd been practicing all week and today he'd managed it faultlessly, he'd gone down on one knee without anyone helping him.
It had been crucial to his plan, he had to achieve that one feat, to propose marriage to his Pierre.
Back at the house Pierre had decided, he'd write a letter for Juan which he'd give to the pilots, he would instruct them to taxi immediately Juan was onboard, he'd board the plane his Poppas had sent for him, go home to Montclair, nursing his broken heart.
As he sat writing the letter for Juan the tears flowed freely.
'My dearest Juan,
This is one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.
I have to do it, go home I mean, leave you to examine your feelings, I realise now, the things we said in Cologne, the deal we made the night of my party, they were said and done whilst you were vulnerable, it was wrong of me to exact that promise.
These last couple of weeks I've felt surplus to requirements, I know you would never deliberately do that to me but it's how I've felt, it's why I question if you now regret the deal we made, I can't tell what you want or feel.
You seem to have shut me out.
I don't want to hurt you but I couldn't stand the thought of you telling me we didn't have a future, I chickened out, I don't have your courage, I've fled back to the safe haven of my family, please don't hate me, I hope I'm doing it for the right reason, I'm giving you a get out if you want it.
I love you Juan, I always have and I always will, if I'm wrong and you do want me, come and get me, I'll be waiting, there can be no other for me, it will always only be you.
Love always. Pierre
At the house Pierre had just finished writing when he heard Juan's arrival.
"Okay sweet cheeks, we ready to go?"
Pierre had smiled and nodded, wanting really to say no, he wasn't ready, nor would he ever be ready to leave not just this house but Juan.
At the airport Pierre oversaw Juan's safe seating on the plane before he excused himself to check everything was loaded.
In reality Pierre segregated the luggage, directing his bags to the other plane and handed the letter to the pilots informing them of the change in plans and asking them to give Juan the letter once they were airborne".
It was late in the afternoon, it had been an arduous day for Juan, no sooner than he'd been seated he dozed off.
He'd vaguely registered the plane taking off but it still came as a shock to him when he was awakened by Ben Caplin, PJ's Chief Pilot.
"We're nearing Malaga Juan, you need to buckle up for landing, and Pierre left this for you".
Ben handed a clearly confused Juan the letter Pierre had left with him.
Juan just looked at the letter before asking.
"Where's Pierre?".
Ben could see he was both upset and confused.
"He didn't come with us Juan, he took the plane his parents sent, he's gone back to Montclair".
For Juan it was like the world stood still, his insides cramped up, he knew there were tears forming, he couldn't help it, he didn't understand, even Ben, as he retreated to the cockpit heard the almost whispered.
"Why Pierre, why?".
He'd folded the letter, stuffing it into his hand luggage, there didn't seem any reason to read it, to see the written words which would confirm Pierre didn't love him, didn't want him.
Pierre had stood on the tarmac in tears, watching as Juan's plane hurtled down the runway and soared into the sky, snatching away the man he loved, resigning himself to a future of work, no love, no happiness.
As his flight neared Nice Pierre reached into his bag, his fingers encountered the gift box.
Pulling it out of the bag he was confused, the tag next to the brightly coloured ribbon read,
'Open me Pierre'.
He'd stared at it for a long time, almost giving in to temptation before he'd pushed it back into the bag, he didn't want a thank you gift, he'd been certain that's what it was, Juan's attempt at thanking him for everything, well he didn't want it and he didn't need it, it would stay the way it was now, wrapped, unopened, as if it didn't exist.
In Torremolinas Reece and Sofia were waiting to welcome them home.
The questions started as soon as he exited the FBO operations building where customs officials had cleared him back into the country.
Reece was first to ask.
"Where's Pierre, is he still in customs?".
Juan was not in a mood to discuss it, he laid out a one sentence answer which left both of them reeling.
"Pierre dumped me, he doesn't want anything more to do with me, he went home to Montclair, end of story".
Both Reece and Sofia could see plainly how much he was hurting and tried pointedly to steer the conversation away onto other subjects until Juan spoke again.
"I understand what you're doing but please don't, right now I'm questioning why I went through all this, why he encouraged me to be an able bodied man again, I love him, he said he loved me, now he's gone, I don't understand why and I don't know what I did to make him stop loving me, I want him, but I won't beg, now can we please just leave the subject alone".
It had been the last time Juan would discuss it with them, going forward he ignored any reference to Pierre.
A almost identical situation had played out in Montclair.
Piers had been waiting in the car with his Poppas to welcome Pierre, they we're all full of joy that Pierre was returning until they saw him come out of the FBO offices.
His tear streaked face told them everything about how he was feeling and they knew it wasn't good.
He'd virtually thrown himself at Piers sobbing as his Poppas both circled them, bring both sons into a group hug.
After the initial, inevitable questions were answered Pierre would have absolutely no input into any conversation about Juan.
And so it went on for over a month until the subject of Christmas arose and neither family was prepared to put up with the situation any longer.
It was Josef's return a week before Christmas that finally brought the situation to a head.
After Juan had been injured and at Juan's request, Josef had made the decision to end his service, his arrival home was a full military discharge with honour.
The conflict started almost immediately Josef arrived home.
He had been kept deliberately in the dark concerning the situation between Juan and Pierre.
When his questions concerning Pierre went either unanswered or were avoided he quickly caught on to there being something seriously wrong, until Juan's temper got the best of him one day when he replied angrily.
"He ditched me, there you have it, are you satisfied now, I don't know why, what I did wrong, maybe he got fed up with having to carry me, prop me up, but it doesn't matter does it, he wrote me a 'dear John', then he left me, I'd been planning to ask him to marry me, I put a special present in his luggage which told him exactly how I felt about him, he's never responded, he obviously doesn't want me".
Josef was stunned.
"Well what did he say in his letter, did he explain why?".
Juan was sitting with his head in his hands.
"I don't know, I've never read it, why would I, it wouldn't change anything".
At this Josef got mad.
"He loves you, I know that and you know it too, why the hell haven't you read his letter, you bloody idiot, read it, for gods sake, read it".
Juan had just shouted.
"No, I don't need to, it doesn't matter, he doesn't want me, that's all there is to it".
Josef was equally angry.
"You stupid, stubborn idiot, it does matter, it matters a lot, so read it, if you don't, I promise you, I'm going to see him and I'll ask him why he did it".
Juan was furious now.
"It's not your business, stay out of it, if you interfere I swear you and I are finished, don't test me on this Bro, I'm serious".
At that Juan stormed off to his room, slamming the door behind him.
Reece and Sofia had been listening to the brothers and now made an appearance, but neither of them expected Josef to direct his anger at them, they were really surprised when his tirade came.
"Don't you dare come out here asking what that was all about when you knew, and you didn't tell me, what on earth were you thinking, he's devastated, he doesn't know how or even why it's happened, and what have you two done about it, bloody nothing that's what, well he can dictate all he wants I'm getting to the bottom of this, I want to know why Pierre would dump him because I don't believe he would, not without good reason".
At that Josef had stormed off to his room, the slammed door leaving a stunned Reece and Sofia staring at each other.
The following day Josef called Montclair asking for Piers, they spent nearly an hour talking and by the end of that call Josef was even more convinced this was a stupid mistake that had escalated out of all proportion.
Before dinner that evening Josef knocked on the door to Juan's room.
When Juan opened it he looked apprehensive but Josef disarmed him immediately.
"I'm sorry, don't be angry with me, no one told me, I was shocked, I didn't handle it well, I know that, and I know how hurt you are, I wanted to make it alright for you and I couldn't, that hurts me, that I can't help you, I just want us to be good, are we good?".
It didn't take more than a few seconds for the brothers to be in a hug.
At dinner that evening Josef brought up the Christmas holidays but Juan cut him off abruptly.
"I'm not going to Lanzarote, not this year, I'm staying here".
Josef's knife and fork hit the table so hard they all jumped, but his reply was what started the argument.
"Enough, so Pierre dumped you, fuckin deal with it, you'll go to Lanzarote because we want you to, it's our Christmas as well, it's the first one without Pops, we need to be together, and for your information Pierre won't be there, it seems he is equally heartbroken because some arsehole he fell in love with couldn't be bothered to expend any energy in finding out why he went back to Montclair".
Juan was equally angry now.
"I told you not to interfere, you have haven't you, you've spoken to him?".
Josef was staring him down.
"No I haven't, I have spoken with Piers though and it seems you are both in the same state, one of denial, Piers did confirm they wouldn't be going to Lanzarote this Christmas because Pierre won't go".
Juan was simply staring at him as Josef went on.
"So here's the deal Bro, you asked me to put my papers in, to come home, work with you, and I did it, but let's face it, I've been here two weeks and you haven't left this house, not once".
Josef paused staring straight at Juan.
"It's not going to work is it?, I should have re-enlisted, stayed where I could make a difference".
At the mere mention of his brother re-enlisting Juan blurted out.
"No you shouldn't, look what happened to me, I couldn't bear it if that happened to you".
Josef continued staring at him for several seconds.
"Not happening Bro, I have an ultimatum for you, either you get yourself out of this state you're in, or I re-enlist, if it means making contact with Pierre then you need to do it, I'm giving you until end of January, not a day longer, no argument, I can be just as determined as you so don't bother trying to talk me out of it".
Their father and sister had been silent until now, but the thought of Josef re-enlisting proved too much for Sofia, she burst into tears and stood staring at them before walking slowly away to her room.
Josef turned to Reece and started to speak.
"Poppa I'm sorry we spoiled dinner....................".
He didn't get any further because a clearly angry Reece cut into both of them.
"This last year we lost your Pops, we almost lost you Juan, it's been hard and now Josef you suggest going back, making us fear for your life again, and why, because you think it's okay to use your life as a bargaining chip in this battle with your brother".
Reece paused, when he resumed it was at a shouting pitch, with tears streaming down his face, leaving both brothers stunned.
"Well it's not alright, you saw how badly it upset your sister, how badly it upsets me, but you go ahead, you're a pair of stupid pricks, neither one of you knows what's good for you or you wouldn't be sparing with a life as forfeit, Pierre set aside everything to bring you back from the brink Juan, and you don't even have the balls to read his letter, well done my hero son, and you Josef, your only tactic in solving this riddle is to wager your life, God only knows what the army saw in you if that's your best plan, I say again you're a pair of stupid pricks and I won't have anything more to do with either of you until you both grow a pair and resolve this mess".
Reece then stormed out of the room.
Josef stood up and walked towards the door, before he left he turned.
"He's right, you need to read that letter, before it's too late".
Then he walked away.
Juan sat in silence, staring at the dining table with their meal partly eaten, now cold, discarded.
Rising from his seat Juan made his way to his room, not bothering to close the door, walking into the closet he fished around in his travel bag until he found it, maybe they were right, he ought to know why Pierre didn't want him.
Standing at the foot of his bed, staring at the handwriting he knew so well, Juan gently turned the envelope over and over again.
He'd finally pushed the letter into his desk drawer, he still couldn't bring himself to open it.
He'd slumped down, crouching against the bed, as he sobbed openly.
TBC ARB Allan
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