Little Big Man

LITTLE BIG MAN – a serial novel by Travis Creel

CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO: REASSESSING RELATIONSHIPS

Previously: Latronius is caught in flagrante' with Alexei, as are Pyotr and his boyfriend Arkadi. We know, but Alexei doesn't, that Latronius and Arkadi, having been made the guests of honor' at Dmitri's Saturday night party, are destined for slavery. Alexei, meanwhile, was whisked off to a `private party' at Yuri's home with Rhody, Ruslan, and Nurbek. Rhody (after a flip of a coin) is given a choice of punishments; he opts for the most severe level in order to protect Alexei. When the finale of Rhody's session is his first-ever fisting, Ruslan offers Alexei the same experience. Filled with guilt over Rhody's sacrifice, Alexei accepts. Despite the excruciating pain, he finds the experience rewarding – and somewhat revelatory.

[Author's Reminder: When on the boat, Alex's friends nicknamed him Wes', after his home state of Wisconsin, since the contestants' were not allowed to use their real names.]

ALEXEI: SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17, MIDNIGHT, YURI'S DUNGEON

• You like fist?

I nodded. I like.

• Master do you next time.

It felt like a crushing blow. I didn't want Master to do me next time. I had felt such a connection with Ruslan, there was a melding, a flowing of energy between us, a synergy that gave us both strength. Then, after that kiss – I was consumed with passion for the Man. There had always been something special about Ruslan, but now, there was something stronger. It was Ruslan that I wanted, but "Master do you next time."

But then a curious wave of rationality hit me – bizarre, as there was nothing rational about what was happening, it was all emotion. But I wondered if I would feel the same kind of connection, the same kind of bond, with Master if I felt him inside me in this way. If he were as tender as Ruslan was – and I think Master would be capable of that – would I respond to him more?

I felt a degree of guilt. I knew that while I had been an obedient, submissive slave – and generated no complaints about my performance in bed (or anywhere else he fucked me) – I lacked the degree of devotion, the single-minded obsession that Master demanded. I should be living my life to please him, not just to obey him and avoid his displeasure. I was giving him proper service – in more than one sense – but not giving him what he needed.

Master had told me that before, and I had always heard it as a warning: "You better watch out or I won't keep you around." When Little Big Man rolled around next year, Master would be entitled to one of the `winners' and would have to choose between him and me. One of us would be kept, the other given – or sold – probably to a stranger.

Being sold to a stranger was fraught with peril. This year, Master's choice had been easy – the unsatisfactory Jackson would have to be replaced. And what became of Jackson? He was sent to the Royal Palace and gelded. Master seemed unsure of whether he was even still alive. Were I to be sold, would my fate would be any better?

Besides, I had developed relationships in this house. I longed for Ruslan's touch, rough or gentle, his smell, the feel of his cock inside me. I was attracted to and felt affection for Pyotr, despite the absence of a common language. Henri was adorable in his way, willing to chat with me almost like an equal. Daniil seemed nice and worth getting to know. Oleg was kind and watched out for me. And Master – Master was firm and dictatorial, but he had also shown empathy, letting me speak my mind freely – allowing me this extraordinary opportunity to chronicle my thoughts and feelings about the adventure of becoming a slave. How many masters would have done that? There was a lot to be grateful for about Master. I didn't want to be sold, like Jackson.

Of course, I was an improvement over Jackson, and Master knew that, but clearly it wasn't enough. Henri had told me about Master's first slave, Slava (which sounds like it's Russian for slave' but it's actually a nickname for Vyacheslav). Henri felt that Master was always judging each of his slaves – of which there had been an alarming number – in comparison to Slava. Slava the ideal slave. And if I was not Jackson, neither was I Slava, whom Master had loved, according to Henri. He actually used that word – Master loved him', and so he set him free when Slava reached his fortieth birthday.

I was confused by that – Master had told me I would never be free – but it gave me hope at the time. But I knew that while Master lusted after me, he didn't love me. Because I didn't love him.

Maybe fisting – which I now began to see as something special, agonizing as it was – would help me close the gap. Maybe I could feel that special with Master's hand up my ass. Maybe I could feel as passionate about Master as I do about Ruslan.

Maybe.

Nurbek had placed Rhody face down on the table and was tending to his wounds, smoothing ointment over his damaged skin, praising his performance while doing so. It was hard to listen to. While I was proud of myself for accepting the fisting, I was ashamed that I had otherwise gotten off so lightly, when Rhody had taken so much. He was worthy of Nurbek's praise; I was not worthy of Ruslan's. Rubbing his hands over Rhody's naked body had given Nurbek an erection, and I wondered if we were in for another round of fucking.

We weren't.

The two of them were chattering away in Russian, talking about us. I assumed they were replaying the night's events. But then, in addition to our names, I heard `Little Big Man Europe' (in English). I remembered Oleg announcing the formation of Little Big Man Europe at the convention – which had hit home hard: Master would have two options for replacing me, not just one. But hearing them mention it in connection with our names made me wonder what they were saying.

[DMITRI: You will find out at the end of this chapter.]

ALEXEI: Nurbek applied bandages to the most damaged sections of Rhody's ass, back and thighs, and I thought: `This is the closest thing to fabric either of us has worn in six months'.

• (Nurbek) We will leave you now. Because Rodion chose `Ultra', there are no restrictions on your activity until you are released in the morning.

They left. Rhody gradually inched himself off the table, moving with all the speed of a sloth with arthritis. He resembled a painting by Jackson Pollock, if the only colors Pollock had to work with were shades of red, purple, and white (the bandages). There were bruises all over, but you would never know it by looking at his face. His face was joyous. My face could hardly have been anything close to that; I could barely look at him. But I knew it was up to me to say the first words.

• I'm sorry.

• Sorry? Why?

• For what you had to go through.

• Do I look unhappy?

• No. Aren't you in pain?

• Hell, yes, I'm in pain. Quite a lot of pain, in fact. (Grin.) As the Brits would say, `bloody awful'.

• And you're grinning.

• Because I'm with you.

• Rhody, why did you do it?

• Do what?

• Ultra.

• So we could be together. So we could talk and . . . stuff.

• Well, thank you. It's great that we can catch up without being in a cage all night.

• That's not the only reason, of course.

• . . . ?

• I didn't want to see you punished. I couldn't bear to see you hurt.

• But YOU were hurt.

• I . . . guess I don't mind being hurt.

• Rhody, you're a mess. And you just told me you're in pain.

• I am. I'm feeling it on every inch of my skin, and inside as well. But it's . . . does this make me a freak? I've discovered that I like pain. In moderation. If it's from Nurbek, anyway. There's something special about him, I feel wholly alive when he beats me. And so when he said he was going to fist me – I knew it was going to be excruciating – yet I wanted it. I actually wanted it. But Alex –

• Alexei.

• You've accepted their Russian name?

• I've accepted being a slave. And it's like . . . symbolic. Like I'm not American any more.

• Yet here we are, two American guys together. This seems very much like an American moment. To me you're still Alex. Or even Wes.

• Should I call you Chris?

• Actually, I kinda like it when you call me Rhody. It's something we have that's just between us, you know? I'm not Rhody to anybody else, just you.

• Well, me and Matti and Noisy and Nodak and -

• I'm never going to see those guys again. I mean, I'm astonished that I saw them once, and we weren't even allowed to talk. Well, you talked to Matti, of course, but . . . maybe you don't want to talk about that.

• . . . Maybe I do.

• You do? . . . I mean, it was so . . . brutal. Alex, you damn near drowned. I was so scared.

• He didn't mean for that to happen. It was all an act. I think it must have scared him, too.

• He didn't look the least bit scared, Alex. Is he that good an actor?

• Rhody, are you jealous?

• No, I . . . I don't know. Maybe. I just don't want you to be hurt. And you were hurt. You were put at serious risk. What makes you think it was all an act?

• He called me `Cheesehead'.

• Yeah? I heard that. Wait – the guillotine. He said, `I love you, Cheesehead'. I didn't understand that, but I guess you did.

• It was his pet nickname for me. He used to call me that all the time. He never used it around anyone else, only when we were alone.

• When you were being intimate?

• You ARE jealous.

• . . . Yeah, a bit.

• We were never intimate, Rhody. He did kiss me once but we never `did it'.

• So at the pool you think they were pressuring him to be cruel to you.

• Yeah.

• And you think he still loves you.

• Yeah. I do.

• And you still . . .

• Yeah.

• . . . I see.

• Rhody, don't be like that.

• Like what?

• Hurt.

• Yeah, well I said I like being hurt.

• No, you said you liked pain. On your skin. Up your ass. That's not the same as being hurt. That's pain in your heart. I don't think you like that kind of pain. No one likes that kind of pain.

• . . . Maybe not. But I'm kinda used to it, Alex. Alexei. See, even `Alexei' is hard for me. It, like, it pulls me away even further from you. It says: Rhody you aren't a part of my life, I'm a slave now and you're from the past.

• . . .

• . . .

• . . . Rhody.

• Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

• I need to talk to you.

• About . . . ?

• Everything.

• Just that?

• (ironic smile) Well, if there's time left over, we can talk about everything else.

• (smile) Okay. (serious face) On one condition.

• Which is?

• I told you why. Now you tell me why.

• Your turn to be cryptic. Why what?

• Why did you take the fist?

• Ah.

• Ah.

• It wasn't because I wanted it.

• You told Ruslan you liked it.

• I did. In a way. In a way I hated it, and in a way I liked it. But I didn't expect to like it. That's not why I did it.

• Then why did you do it?

• Because of you. Because of what you did for me. I couldn't let you go through that alone. I had to support you. I had to show you my gratitude. I had to show you I luh- . . .

• . . . Yes?

• . . .

• (prompting) Had to show you I luh- . . . ?

• That I was one with you.

• No, you started to say something beginning with the letter L. What was the end of that word?

• . . . Oh, dammit, Rhody, I'm so confused. I'm afraid to tell you what that word was, because I'm afraid of how you'll react and that things will get out of control.

• Then I'll say it. It was `love'. You had to show me that you loved me.

• . . .

• Not like I love you, Alexei, I know that. I know you're in love with Matti. But you do love me, too – a little bit. Right?

• . . .

• Or am I way off base?

• . . . Oh, shit, why is life so fucking complicated? . . . No, Rhody, you're not off base. You're very rarely off base. When I'm with you, I'm – dammit look at me, I'm hard. You provoke that in me, just like Ruslan does. I like your smell, I love the feel of your muscles, I love your face – and you're just about the sweetest guy I know.

• Well, with all those faults, no wonder you reject me. (Smile.)

• Yeah, I know. It makes no sense. My brain and body both are urging me on when I'm with you.

• There's a `but' there, I can hear it.

• But . . . some part of me is holding me back. For one thing, there's no future in it, is there, Rhody. This is only the second time we've been able to see each other in six months – you can't really count the convention because we couldn't talk there, not even on the plane. Still, even on the plane, I was . . . aware of you. You saw that.

• (laughs) I saw you put a pillow over your crotch, if that's what you're referring to.

• (ironic smile) I wish I had a pillow now.

• Do you? You look good just the way you are. At full mast.

• . . .

• . . . Your thoughts?

• (long pause) Rhody, I . . . is it possible to love two people?

• It is. It's not a betrayal to Matti if you like being with me.

• I do like being with you, Rhody.

• And you can't really betray someone you'll never see again.

• I'm not sure all moral ethicists would agree with that, but I'll concede the point. Seeing him was great and awful at the same time. He stirred up those old feelings, Rhody. I saw him and I wanted him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and make bad jokes and cheer me up and tell me how to be realistic and practical, the way he always did. And there he was so . . . so CHANGED. It was clear how intimidated he was, how terrified he was of them, that he had to act like that. And he took a big risk calling me `Cheesehead' – they picked up on that, they asked him what it meant, and he lied to them. Despite what he did, he needed me to know he still loved me.

• Yes, it all fits. He does love you. And, despite what I said before, he IS a good actor, I've known that all along. In Mogadishu, he staged that fight so that you would be angry with him. He thought you would never see each other again. He wanted you to forget him.

• I didn't forget him. But I was pissed at him until you told me he was faking it.

• But even then you still loved him.

• Yeah. Although at the time I would never have used that word.

• And he loved you. And he still loves you. Although he's clearly in as much conflict as you are.

• What do you mean?

• I think what he did at the swimming pool was only partly to impress the Royal Family. I think he wanted you to hate him – just like in Mogadishu. He wanted you to forget him. He wanted to say, Don't get your hopes up, babe, you've got to get over me – see what an asshole I am? This is going nowhere. Get over it.' But inside he's torn apart because he has to know how painful it is for you to see him like that. And then – when he almost killed you – he was so full of remorse he had to let you know how he really felt. And he slipped in the word Cheesehead'.

• . . . You're a smart man, Rhode Island.

• . . . And if you're a smart man –

• I'd forget about him.

• No. Don't forget about him. Your devotion to Matti is admirable – it's odd, but it's one of the things that attracts me to you. It . . . shows true strength of character. It's not a flaw to be drawn to two men.

• Three men.

• Three men? . . . Ruslan?

• Ruslan. And yet I belong to a fourth, who wants me to be committed to him in soul as well as in body. How many ways can I be stretched, Rhody? I'm confused about you, I'm confused about Matti, I'm confused about Ruslan, I'm confused about Master. And I even have a crush on Master's chauffeur. And one of the FSB agents.

• Whoa, did you say FSB agents?

• The FSB is the organization that –

• I know what the FSB is. Why do you know FSB agents?

• Master called them in to investigate something. Latronius was involved.

• Latronius?

• You remember Latronius?

• There was a maroon named Latronius. Wait – was he the one who made up stories about you wearing clothes with the Russians?

• That's the one.

• And he has something to do with the FSB?

• Sorta.

• W – If you'll pardon the French – T – F?

• Never mind. It's complicated. Oh, hell, Rhody, everything's complicated.

• This isn't.

He put his arms on my shoulders and pressed his lips to my forehead. He stared into my eyes, and then kissed me again, this time on the lips – tentatively at first, then more securely, then gently again, as if to apply a balm. It didn't turn into the deep, passionate kiss that I half-expected. He pulled back, uncertain of my reaction, and looked into my eyes for affirmation.

I gave it to him, causing him to wince involuntarily as my arms went around him, caressing his excoriated back. We went full throttle, tongues exploring each other, not coming up for breath for seconds. Our chests pressed hard against each other, our hands working their way up and down each other's backs, our eyes closed to focus on the intensity of the moment. We were one in that moment.

And our cocks were rigid. His hand wrapped itself around my engorged member.

• I guess you do like me a little, don't you?

• More than a little.

• I don't mind being your number two, as long as I'm on your dance card.

• You're on my dance card. It's just . . . not . . . at the top of it.

• . . . It's okay.

• It's not okay. I'm not okay. Before I can be comfortable with you, I have to work through my feelings for Matti. I mean – why do I hold on to them when I'm never going to see him again?

• Look, Wes. Alex. Alexei. Even if somehow you saw him again, he's still going to be constrained by being a slave to the Royal Family. You're not going to get closure on this, and you want it desperately. You have to come to terms with that and let it be okay.

• How can it be okay?

• There's no recipe. But I think about soldiers missing in action. And how much their families are holding on to the hope that they're still alive, but even if they aren't, they just want to know for sure. They want closure. They want that certainty. And they never get it. But with time, they accept that they're never going to see that soldier again, and they get through it by holding him in their hearts and securing a place for him there. And you can do that, too. Just hold a place in your heart for him. And he's holding a place for you in his, I'm sure of that.

• It's hard. . . . No, fuck `hard', it's past hard. It's like, Ultra. Emotional Ultra.

• He's your first love. They say you never get over your first love.

• I didn't even recognize it for love. I didn't even accept that I was gay, how could I be in love with a dude? And now – I haven't seen a woman in months, and I don't care if I ever see another one.

• Me, too. You know, in a way, Little Big Man did us a big favor. We could have lived our lives being ignorant, or closeted, or confused –

• I'm confused now.

• But you're confused about who you love, not about who you are. We know now that we are gay, that we are bottoms, that we love the feel of another man's body against ours, that we like having a cock reaming our holes, that we long to serve. A year ago, I would never have guessed that I would be happy as a sex slave.

• But you are.

• But I am.

• . . . I am, too. So, Rhody, one question.

• Yes?

• When they whipped your cock – would it be in too much pain to be in another guy's mouth?

• Not if it was your mouth.

Twenty minutes later:

• You've gotten good at this.

• I've had lots of practice.

• As have I. Shall I show you?

He did. Afterwards, he said, "Now tell me about Latronius and the FSB."

DMITRI, THE FOLLOWING SUMMER: A tender scene, indeed.

There are aspects of Alexei's story that he couldn't write about, because he didn't bear witness to them – which is why I've interposed my own narrative from time to time. There are, of course, elements that neither of us witnessed, like the internal discussions among the Royal Family that affected the slave selection back in Mogadishu. But for the most part, they were not essential for understanding Alexei's journey.

However, we've now come to a point where a vital part of the narrative was witnessed by neither of us. And so I must introduce a third narrator into the story – Ruslan. He will be the author of the next four chapters. His conversation with Nurbek plays into that narrative, slightly – and I promised you that you would learn of it – so I will insert part of what Ruslan (at my request) has written, to finish out this chapter.

Ruslan's English is as awkward as mine, so to spare readers his tortured syntax, I asked him to record his story orally in Russian. Oleg then translated it into smooth English, as he has done for this very sentence and everything else I have written in this volume.

RUSLAN – SATURDAY, 17 DECEMBER, YURI'S DUNGEON

The boys had done well. Nurbek in particular was swelling with pride at how well Rodion had taken his punishment. I was still astonished that he had chosen Ultra. The options were designed to induce the slave to choose the middle one, Hard, which would subject both boys to the same level of punishment. Which would have been challenging enough.

I was also astonished that Alexei had agreed to the fisting. This was a huge positive development that I was certain would please Dmitri. When you accept a fist – and confess that you liked it – it is a true signal that you have accepted your role as a bottom. And it gave me a thrill as well, sticking my hand into his guts. A thrill that was not just in my brain.

• I'm horny as hell. I'm ready to throw another fuck into him.

• Easy, Ruslan. We have to give them a break. We promised them.

• And you can't break a promise to a slave because . . . ?

• You sly dog, Ruslan. You are right that a slave has no rights, and we have no obligation to keep any promises we make. But think about your relationship to the boy. It's clear he trusts you – he wouldn't have agreed to the fist if he didn't. You don't want to destroy that trust.

• True. Nurbek, I can't help it, Alexei drives me wild. I try not to show it, but I would be perfectly happy if I could just retire from my job and live with him for the rest of my life.

• (laughs) Using what as income?

• (rueful smile) There is that problem.

• The sad fact is that I feel the same way about Rodion.

• Look, they've noticed us talking about them.

• Dmitri has offered me one of his dachas, did I tell you that?

• Yes. Yuri has made a similar offer. If I get accepted by IAMSO and agree to do Little Big Man Europe.

• You've applied to IAMSO?

• Yes, but I'm nervous about the practicum.

• It's only forty-eight hours.

• Yeah, say that after you've done it.

• I HAVE done it.

• What? Ruslan, you've had your practicum?

• You haven't noticed I have no body hair?

• Well, yes, obviously, but I thought maybe you wanted to make your cock look bigger.

• Because it looked so small before?

• Good point. So . . . how was it?

• Humiliating. But, Nurbek, it makes you stronger. You emerge more masterful, more powerful. More of a man. And, hell, your pubes will grow back. So do it, Nurbek. And then you can join IAMSO and have your own slave if we do Little Big Man Europe.

• What do you know about Little Big Man Europe? Yuri hasn't said much.

• It'll be smaller – only 24 contests the first year. We'd each run six of the national contests and then coordinate the fun on the ship.

• And we each get to keep one of the virgins?

• Of course.

• I'd rather have Rodion.

• And I'd rather have Alexei.

• If only there were a way to have them as our slaves.

• If our bosses take new slaves from Little Big Man America, they'll have to sell Alexei and Rodion. We take them instead and sell the slaves from Little Big Man Europe.

• Yes, but I think Yuri wants to keep Rodion. Is Dmitri willing to sell Alexei?

• He's wavering. Alexei hasn't committed the way Dmitri wants him to. But replacing Alexei is a risk – Dmitri's been burned before with bad slaves. He thinks if Alexei could just embrace slavery fully, he could be another Slava. And he kept Slava until he aged out.

• And the fact that he took the fist – and liked it –

• Might be the tipping point for Alexei. He might be ready to commit his soul as well as his body.

• In which case Dmitri will definitely keep him.

• Of course, you and I might find some Hungarian or Swede so hot we forget about these two. But I have another idea for how we could maybe get Alexei and Rodion for ourselves.

• I'm all ears.

• It's a bit of a long shot. Something came up during my practicum which gave me an idea. I'd have to make a phone call.

• To?

• The Royal Palace.

• Hunh? How do you know anyone at the Royal Palace?

• It's where I did my practicum.

• What?! No way!

• Yes way.

• Omigod, that must have been – Yuri is talking about some place in the Greek islands for mine. Why did Dmitri send you to the Royal Palace of all places?

• Frankly, it was the best slave-training possible. But there was another reason.

• Such as?

• I had another purpose for being there. I was – well, a sort of double-agent.

• Ruslan, you definitely have to tell me this story.

• You shall hear it, my friend. But let's give these slaves their privacy – I know, what a concept – and I'll tell you about it.

• Tell me about it over a couple of Baltikas.

• Deal.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: And thus we come to the end of Book Two. Not as much of a cliffhanger this time, but some major questions remain, including:

• Will Alexei ever see Matti again?

• Will his parallel romances with Matti and Rhody end happily – or tragically? Or somewhere in between?

• Will Dmitri keep Alex for another year, or decide to replace him?

• What will happen at Matti's trial?

• Why did Ruslan go to the Royal Palace for his practicum?

• What happened there that inspired a plan to obtain Alexei for his own? Will it work?

These questions (and others that haven't been asked yet) will be definitively answered in Book Three: "There'll Be Some Changes Made".

But be prepared for some unexpected developments.]