"CAN'T DEAL"
Josh **********
After I got out the hospital I had to wear a sling for my arm, at first Brandon was by my side all the way but I began to get these anxiety attacks and I began avoiding him . Jason ,dad and Glo lied to Brandon every time he would call or come over they would say I was busy or out , Brandon was getting pretty upset sending me very long e-mail I just didn't answer it . I didn't want him to see me in this stated , that day changed my life I was being terrorized in my dreams of the events that took place . Dad brought me to a therapist named Dr. Herat he was a middle eastern man really good looking but was eager to talk to me I waited in the brightly colored waiting room at his office with dad until it was my time to go in "Dad im nervous" I said he hugged me "don't be , just tell him how you feel, what you dream about , all the sordid Details" I nodded in agreement , I walked into the big office it looked exactly how I imagined it , his desk in one area and a couch and love seat in the other area he greeting me with a warm smile "you must be Joshua Barrett" I shook his hand "come sit , make yourself comfortable" I did as he said he sat on the larger couch and smiled at me "so Joshua , let's get started , if there's anything you want to get off your chest say it remember I am not here to judge you in anyway I'm just here to observe and help" I felt safe with this guy. We talked about the whole school shooting and my dreams , he told me my dreams are equated with the fears of my reality I was actually afraid of life because it was so unexpected and no one could tell what would be the outcome of days events. After leaving I felt a better understanding of things .
That night I went to sleep and I had the same dream , I always have everything's is perfect and colorful then things turn to gray and I am faced with a gun at my face I cant see his face but he pulled the trigger I jumped up it was daytime I heard water running in my bathroom I laid back down and starred at the door intently then the water shut off I heard footsteps then saw the door knob twist then the door opened Hunter came walking out he saw I was awake and smiled "I see you are up now, lets do something today" hunter said sitting next to me on my bed "no thanks I rather lay here" I closed my eyes he shook me "get up " he went in my closet we are going to have some fun" he walked over to my closet and grabbed a shirt and some jeans and threw them on my bed "come on Josh, get up" I pulled the covers all the way off of me he laughed "nice boxers didn't thank you were the hearts kind of guy" I gave him a death stare "actually Vince bought me these" he smiled "you just had all the boys at Washington high , Vince, Brandon , Casey , me" I laughed "what? no what we did wasn't even sex, Brandon and I just got you off," I got out of bed and put on my clothes.
(Brandon) ********
"RIP Lloyd" popped in my head how could Lloyd be gone, he was my first friend here. I walked into the church , and went over to Lloyd's parents and hugged them they were crying "this all seem so surreal" I said "I know I still can`t believe any of this, his brothers and sister are distraught" his mom said while looking over at her dead son I looked over and saw the casket it was open I just couldn't see him like that, so colorless , the stillness of his body, this was all so surreal for me. I saw Whit come in she had on a black dress she sat down in the middle of the church I decided to join her I walked through some of the people that were going over to Lloyd's parents and headed over to her .
"how are you holding up" I asked she looked like she was on the verge of breaking down
"not good I felt things for Lloyd I never felt for you or any other boy , maybe this all is payback for sleeping with Jeff" she said I grabbed her hand and held it
"its not payback , people live people die, good things happen bad things happen , that's life" I stated she seem to agree with that
"I cant even look at him, up their he looks pale and not like himself I don't want to remember him as that corpse up there". I felt the same way , the people in the church settled down , people cried around me but I stayed strong Lloyd would have wanted me to stay strong,. Sitting there while the priest gave the eulogy I thought about when I told him about josh and that I was in love with him I would never forget it.
FLASHBACK**
("Lloyd, can I come in" I said nervously he looked at me as if he knew something was up
"can you come in ?, since when do you ask" I walked into his house "is your parents home" I asked he nodded no still with a look on his face I guess I was acting weird to him
" we need to talk, I really need to tell you this and this may effect our friendship" he sat down on the couch and gave me his full attention
"come on, spit it out I don't have all day I have a date " I paced back and forth
"Lloyd I'm in love" I said he raised his eyebrows
"With Whitney? I kind of assumed that" he looked like he didn't want to talk about Whitney, apart of me thought he was in love with her .
"no not with Whitney" he looked puzzled
"with some other girl?" I really didn't know how to say this to him because I was digesting it all myself
"no , um Lloyd this might change our friendship, but I am in love with Josh" he looked at me kind of taken back at what I just said
"wait! what? Your in love with josh, but josh is a dude and you are a dude which means" he stopped and looked at me as if he didn't know me , he was in unfamiliar waters in this subject he just looked at me as if he was analyzing me "So that means your gay" those words flowed from his mouth soothingly and soft I looked down "I'm your best friend you could have fucking told me Lawson" I looked up at him he was smiling "Dude I don't care if you want to do guys as long as you don't want to do me" we both laughed "in your dreams" after that we went to his room and played Xbox,,, it was that simple with him no awkwardness or him looking uncomfortable around me he was a true friend.)
**
I snapped back to my reality he was in that casket and everyone around me was crying I have to admit I cried days after the event took place but now I was at peace with it because Lloyd wasn't gone , I would always remember him he was my first real best friend and we been through a lot together no one could change or take his place in the history we shared.
After the service, Whitney and I went to the Cemetery , when he was being lowered in the ground that had to be the hardest thing for mew to see Whitney buried her face in my neck I held her close we both loved him . After that Whitney went home I went back to Lloyd's house and helped his mother serve food to the guest that stopped by. A lot of kids from school were there. I was in the kitchen pouring drinks when Mrs. Carlson came in "Brandon, you are such a good friend even after he is gone" she hugged me being in her arms set something off I'm sure she hugged him like that number of times then I smelled a whiff of the cologne he use to wear , she did to I couldn't hold back anymore I let go and started to cry she hugged me "dear its okay, let it out" I was sobbing and saying things I'm sure she wouldn't understand "Honey what's going on in here " Lloyd's father looked at her hugging me he walked over and rubbed my back "I know how it feels Brandon he was my child, I still think this is all a nightmare and he will walk through the door , gosh I hate seeing you in so much pain, your like my son you've been coming over here since you guys were preteens so I watched you grow up, I know it stings right now" those words were penetrating my soul. Lloyd wasn't coming back. "yes it does , he accepted me and got me when no one else did, he was my brother" I saw Mr. Carlson eyes get watery his wife was wiping the tears off of her cheek . "mom I'm hungry" Henry came into the kitchen he looked at us "Brandon are you okay' he asked I smiled and walked over to him I wrapped my arms around him "yeah I'm fine buddy I just miss your brother" he looked down then back up at me " I miss him too , hey does this mean that you wont be around now that Lloyd is gone" he said sadly I looked at his parents I never fully gave thought to that "no , I will be here when ever you need me , remember , if Lloyd was my brother then so are you" he hugged me his parents smiled . "you are not apart of this family , you fag" his older brother by two years came into the kitchen grabbing Henry from me "Lloyd is the only person who put up with you and your gay ways you wont turn my brother into what you are" I felt like someone punched me I panicked they didn't know that , Lloyd would never tell them about me if I didn't want that to be known, I turned and ran out "Brandon wait!" I heard both his parents call me the people in the living room looked at me as I headed to the front door I opened it and left out . I got to the bottom step and was about to leave when I heard someone "leaving without saying goodbye" I turned it was Lloyd standing there he smiled I was freaking out "Hey" he sat down on the first step" I smiled "Lloyd your alive" I said he shook his head no "I'm actually a figment in your imagination , whatever?" I laughed he still had his sense of humor "my brother is a dickwad , don't let him scare you away" he stood up and touched me actually hugging me . I was back in the kitchen standing there "you okay" Mr. Carlson said my arm was wrapped around Henry's shoulders he was looking at me confused "yeah" "now that Lloyd is gone does this mean that you wont be around anymore" he said sadly I looked at him then his parents he already said this " buddy I will be here when ever you need me , remember , if Lloyd was my brother then so are you" he hugged me his parents smiled . :then Lawrence his older brother came in the kitchen upset he looked at his parents then at me and Henry "you are not apart of this family you faggot" Lawrence was older then Lloyd by two years he grabbed Ten year old Henry from me "Lawrence that is enough" his father yelled at him he ignored him and then came close to me "Lloyd is the only person who put up with you and your gay ways you wont turn my brother into what you are, a lower then dirt queer" I felt like someone punched me I panicked they didn't know that I was gay, Lloyd would never tell them about me if I didn't want that to be known, I turned and ran out "Brandon wait!" I heard both his parents call me the people in the living room looked at me as I headed to the front door I opened it and left out . I got to the bottom step and was about to leave when I heard someone "leave without saying goodbye" I thought this was some supernatural occurrence happening I turned and it was Hailey his sister she was fifteen years old and half smiled I walked over to her and sat down next to her "Lawrence hates me" I said she put her hand on my shoulder " Lawrence hates everyone, don't let him get to you" I looked around the front yard and at the neighbors houses I remember Mr. Joplin's apple tree across the street when we were fourteen both Lloyd and I snuck across the street and took a bunch of his apples it was the summer time we got caught and Mr. Joplin grabbed us both by our ears and dragged us over here where Lloyd's mother yelled at us. We apologized and that was that. "hey you want to go to Joe's get some food to remember Lloyd" she smiled "yeah I would love that" she stood up and we went to my car and drove off.
(Casey ) ********
Hi you" Vince walked up to me and kissed me , I liked Vince a lot he was great and I was going to make sure I wouldn't screw this up , not like I did with josh "so are we still on for after school" he asked I nodded yes we looked around still the school seemed different as if it was cursed then we started walking down the hall to our next class , a lot of the students didn't return either they just weren't ready and scared and for the ones that did return there were grief counselors available " I still cant believe people died in here " "me neither , it's just so surreal , and to think had we not skipped school we would have been in here, it makes you think about fate and being at the wrong place at the wrong time. " anyway I have bio, I love you" he said kissing me on the cheek walking away I stood there "no , don't say that , not the three little words , they only complicate things" I said out loud , no one was around to hear me say that I went off to my class
(Whitney) ********
Instead of going home I somehow found myself at school , I wish I stayed gone , and didn't come back to this town I dreaded this school why was I in front of it , I decided to just go inside , everywhere I turned I saw Lloyd why was my imagination doing this to me, I headed to math class and sat there the teacher was doing the lecture then I saw him again he was sitting next to me he turned and smiled " I'm sorry" he spoke , "don't be , I love you" I said "what?" I snapped out of it , and it was some random guy from my class , he grinned I looked away. When the bell rung I walked out of class Casey and Vince were waiting for me "how are you holding up" Vince asked I shrugged me shoulders " I rather be anywhere then here, I guess" Casey hugged me , I hugged him back "it gets better " I didn't want to be weak this wasn't me. Karen and Jeff came over "how are you ,how was the funeral" Karen asked "would you guys stop treating me like I am going to crack , god" I yelled "today was Lloyd's funeral , why did you come to school" Karen asked me "I cant go home, I cant okay" Karen put her head down " I should have went Lloyd was a good guy" everyone agreed with Karen "but you didn't , look I have to go" I walked away it felt like I had to throw up , come to think about it I had been feeling sick for a little while now.
*********************************** Later
(Josh) ********
"where are you taking me Hunter we`ve been in this car for hours" I looked over at him he was driving down the highway "just to get your head clear okay ,you've been through a lot will you let me help you" I nodded yes , I'd been in a funk for two weeks , not wanted to see anyone . I even shut Brandon out I know it was wrong but I keep on having these anxiety attacks and I didn't want him to see me like this I began to feel a tightening in my chest I reached in my pocket couldn't find my pills hunter looked over at me "Josh , whats wrong , please tell me" I found my pills and put one in my mouth I took hunters water and drunk some "I'm fine , I'm fine" I tried to assure him "you don't look fine maybe we should head back" he suggested "no lets go to where you are going" he nodded in agreement ,I got the pills a week ago my dad took me to the doctor they prescribed them for me it was virtually impossible for me to sleep after the whole ordeal , I feel damaged and violated , I never was shot in my life , never came close to it , and to know I was facing death really became to much for me.
The sun was starting to set , and hunter was driving so intently , I really didn't know much about him about his home life I just knew he was a good friend and that's what I really needed in my life, I turned the radio on ,boom boom pow was playing "I'm so 3008 You so 2000 and late, I got that boom, boom, boom That future boom, boom, boom Let me get it now" Hunter looked over at me he laughed "what?" I smiled "it's nice to see you smile , and your one of the most suckiest singers I have ever heard probably in the whole united states" he stated "oh shut up , and Fergie wasn't really singing on that part she was kind of rapping" I snapped back "if that was rapping , then you need some serious help" he laughed so did I "shut up hunter".. we arrived at a track it was abandon "what are we doing here" he got out I followed "are you going to kill me and leave me in the woods or something" he laughed at my paranoia "no we are going to have fun " then a few more cars came some other guys and girls came got out they walked over to hunter and hugged him they were chatting "so you must be the new one" a girl asked " a new one, what?" she laughed at my unknowing to her question "his new boyfriend" I looked over at Hunter he smiled at me and continued talking "we are just friends" I stated "cool I'm lily" she extended her hand I shook it "Josh" "so josh you ready, for this" she said I really didn't know what was going on "for what" she laughed again "come with" I followed her to this stable we went inside there were go carts a lot of them "I know its cold out but since the snow melted , we thought it would be cool to race around the track , you in?" she asked I didn't know about this , I really didn't know how to use one of these things "okay I'm in" I smiled so did she "good , I hope you worthy of my boyfriends title ,no one can beat him" then I felt someone hand on my shoulder I turned it was a guy he was hot but looked angry "what are you doing in here with my girl" "um. I'm gay" I said his angry look went to happy "cool , just making sure you weren't putting the moves on my girl , but If you want to hit on me , I will gladly accept your advances" I laughed she hit him on the arm "what Its flattering" "oh shut up David" she said walking over to a pink go cart he walked over to the blue one they started wheeling them out "hey you can ride the red one" lily said, soon I was joined by hunter and two guys and two girls hunter walked over to me "so are you riding?" he asked I nodded yes "alright man, glad to see you breaking out of your shell" he went over to his metallic car I wheeled mines out on the track lily came over and gave me a helmet some pads and a pair of speed goggles I put everything on and got in , I was really getting into this
We all agreed to go around the track by twos who ever won would challenge the next rider . So it was me against lily, It was like riding a car a little we zipped around the track but I crossed the finish line before her , she I was up against one of the guys his name was Matthew I beat him and I beat Carlos, next it was Mandy and jasmine I beat the both of them , at this point I thought they were feeling sorry for me because of what happened . Then it was me against hunter he looked over at me and smiled
" I wont let you win" hunter said winking at me
"that's fine I will win on my own" I said , we started the race I went around the track , Hunter bumped into me causing me to lose my balance but I got back on the track I bumped him and he lost his balance I drove around and across the finish line I got out and everyone thought I was a great go cart rider but I wasn't done I had to face David hunter came over and hugged me "your better then I thought" "you really know how to congratulate people" "okay alright" he kissed me on the cheek `congratulations" and walked away I looked at hunter I really hope he wasn't into me , not that it wouldn't be flattering because he is attractive , but my heart belongs to one person and one person only his name is Brandon Lawson
It was now time for me to Go against David , he was the best and people said I had no chance of winning , but I would try was hardest, I got back in my go cart and david was next to me
"Good luck , because you going to need it " I laughed on your marks get set go we starting driving david was bumping into me trying to make crash bu I kept my composure and I actually started bumping him , we were half way finish and from the people watching ,David was the clear winner , I decided to bump him one more time and I did his cart went to the side landing in a stack of hay of and I won , I know it wasn't competitive and it was all in good fun. after the race David came over to me and gave me a handshake "you definitely have a promising career in go cart racing , we all laughed "yeah i beat all of you with one working arm" "way to rub it in our face" hunter teased , we talked a little bit more then it was time to go.
(Casey) ********
Brooke and I decided to go to Cafe for some brew and she wanted to talk about Wes returning and what their relationship would be like when he returned Brooke was more complicated then me , I guess because she is a girl , she sat in the booth looking nervous as hell she looked at me "what?" I laughed "you are nervous you act as if you never seen Wes before" I stated she rolled her eyes "Casey , I'm not you, you are confident and the guys come to you , me its different I over complicate things" she said "yeah you do don't you , I'm sure Wes like" I stopped mid-sentence when I saw Wes he was with a women holding hands I couldn't let my sister see this "so we should go" "why? we just got here" "because you have to meet Wes tomorrow that's why and you need to calm down" I said she agreed" they seated Wes and the women I noticed she kissed him he pulled away I made my way to the front door , Wes made eye contact with me and saw Brooke I shook my head disapproving what I saw he looked down.
When we got home I felt like I should say something to her , and that I did I went in her room she was on her computer she looked up at me "I'm so nervous I really miss Wes" she said "about that , I saw Wes at the Café" she looked at me as if she was in thought then she spoke "why didn't you say anything then" I had to tell her "because he was with some blond bimbo I saw them kissing that's why I got you out of there so fast I didn't want you to see that" Brooke looked hurt "your lying Wes wouldn't do that to me" she looked at me angry "When have I ever lied to you about something important as this" I stated she folded her arms "oh please Casey you're the king of lies , If I could recall lies is what broke you and josh up , you were no good then and you are no good now" I couldn't believe she was saying this to me , I walked out of her room and down the hall into my own room , that would be the last time I interfere in her or anyone else business.
(Josh) ********
The next day was boring I did chores cleaned my room before I knew it , it was night time, this had to be the fasted weekend , I began to feel the attacks happening I hurried and took a pill I calmed down I went downstairs no one was home the door bell rung I answered it , it was Brandon , he looked angry at me "so you've been avoiding me , you know this is a important time in my life and you just disappear josh!" I couldn't deal with this I turned he grabbed me " don't turn your back on me Joshua" he screamed "get off of me , you asshole" I pulled away and went upstairs I heard the door slam he followed me upstairs to my room "get out of my house" I yelled "no I will not" I began to get a tightening in my chest it felt like I couldn't breath "I wish I was Lloyd right now so I could get away from you" I said Brandon eyes got watery I knew I fucked up I fell to my knees he rushed over to me and hugged me tightly I cried "I didn't mean it" he held me tightly then I continued "I know he was your best friend I shouldn't have said that , I just can't deal with any of this" "so you keep me away" we sat down on my bed I rested my head on his shoulders "I've been having really bad anxiety attacks, I think I just had one I didn't want you to see me like that." he put his arm around me and kissed me on my forehead "I love you , if you have problems you need to tell me , you aren't in this relationship alone, I know you didn't mean what you said , and you turned really red maybe I should call a doctor" he suggested "no" he hugged me again I kissed his neck " I'm taking meds" "you have to be careful with those" Brandon took off his jacket and shoes and got on my bed I sat between his legs resting the back of my head on his chest he was rubbing my chest and stomach "I feel guilty that I was shot and survived and he didn't" "don't feel guilty , losing Lloyd was the worst thing that's happened to me , but if I lost you , I would die" he kissed the top of my head I got on my knees and turned facing him "can you stay with me , tonight " he kissed me "of course what ever you need" we laid down facing one another , his nose was touching my nose his hands were rubbing up and down my back and then I felt at peace I fell asleep.
(Karen) ********
When Whitney called me , Brooke and jess over I had no idea what this was about but it was urgent , on my way there she called again and asked me to pick something up , when she said it , I knew things were about to change real quick I couldn't tell the other girls yet I stopped at a store and picked what she asked up , then we headed to her house we got there her mother opened the door "oh hi girls , Whitney is upstairs" we all headed up she was on her bed crying "whit what's wrong" Brooke asked sitting on Whitney's bed "guys I think I'm , I'm" I walked over to her and held her hand "your what? Jessica asked "I think I'm Pregnant with Lloyd's baby" they all gasped "you had sex with Lloyd?" Jessica asked Whitney nodded yes " and I've been moody throwing up, hungry all the time, at first I thought its was because of what happened then I did research online that's why I called you guys over " I handed her the brown paper bag she took out a pregnancy test Jessica and Whitney had there moments when they hated each other but the four of us had grown as friends "look what ever happens just know that baby has three Aunties" Jessica said with a smile on her face Whitney smiled then cried we all hugged her "okay guys I have to know for sure if I am pregnant" she went in the bathroom and her fate was to be decided.
(Vince) ********
I met Casey in the park , he came up to me and kissed me I was happy , then he had a sad look on his face "what's wrong" I asked "I don't know , I think , I don't want to get hurt again , or hurt anyone like I did josh" I grabbed his hand "you wont get hurt I promise" he pulled his hand away "I think maybe we are moving too fast , we should take a step back" Casey said I didn't understand any of it I thought things were going good . He kissed me "I'll call you later okay, I have to get home" he then walked away he just ended things with me I felt like shit. I went to a local bar and grabbed a few drinks , I really liked Casey how could he do this to me. "this seat taken " I heard a voice I looked up it was hunter he smiled at me "what are you doing in this part of town" he asked with a grin on his face I was just a little to angry to play games "Casey are you okay , you look beat" hunter said "you want to get out of here and fuck" I bluntly said he looked at me and raised one of his eye brow then smiled "hell yeah" he said I paid for my drinks and we both left out together .
We arrived at my house , I grabbed hunter and kissed him he took off his coat and I did the same I pulled my shirt off and took his off as well we went to my bedroom hunter pushed me on the bed and climbed on top of me "what about Casey" he asked "what about Casey" I pulled him forward I massaged his back and started sucking on his neck I wanted to forget Casey at that moment.....
To be continue....
Thanks for reading this latest installment hope you return for the next one..