The next day walking his on way to school, Jeremy thought his heart was going to explode right out of his chest. Now he knew what people meant when they said they were walking on cloud nine. "What happened yesterday? Was it a dream? Was it even real?" Jeremy asked himself. "Why haven't I ever felt this way about a girl?" Being rather cute, Jeremy had certainly caught the eye of several girls during his middle school and high school years, but not one of them made enough of an impression on him for him to respond or take any action himself. With Sasanouk, it was almost like Jeremy was on autopilot, the expression of his feelings with yearnings becoming actions so naturally and without thinking or planning, that it made his head spin. He simply couldn't 'grok the fullness' of this new and intensely delightful level of romantic intimacy. These feelings weren't completely in his loins. In fact, Jeremy was slowly coming to grips with his heartfelt realization and he was reminded of the scene in the film 'The Cider House Rules' in which Toby's character says, "It hurts to look at you!" "This is how I feel about Sasanouk," Jeremy whispered to himself and he knew at that instant that he was falling in love. "Yeah, I'm so gay!" Jeremy concluded.
Jeremy wasn't thinking far enough ahead to ponder the social fallout of whether to come out or stay in the closet. His new whirlwind of emotions for Sasanouk were taking up all of his mind and heart at the moment. His parents had careers which took their workdays well into the evening, and Jeremy had learned at an early age that his family's meal times were more European than American. Unlike most teenagers and being an only child, Jeremy actually enjoyed eating a family meal with his mom and dad at about nine o'clock at night. In fact, that's how he learned how to cook as he would often have most of the dinner ready by the time his parents got home. Yesterday, however, the meal consisted of soup and sandwiches for obvious reasons.
Approaching the school, Jeremy discovered his eyes were looking this way and that and he knew why. No sign of his new love yet. Jeremy was bracing his heart for that first glance on this first morning after their time together yesterday. He didn't want to look all sappy in front of his new friend ... and he didn't know how Sasanouk really felt about him.
"Sure, the word 'love' was spoken, but what does that really mean?" Jeremy mused to himself. Jeremy knew why he was shy. It's not easy negotiating a relationship with others when you can't mindmeld like Spock could. Is it really worth it to continue trying to second-guess people's thoughts and feelings about you when more often than not you're wrong? These were the thoughts going through Jeremy's mind as he clamored up the stairs of the grey five-story building which looked more like an old castle than a high school. Jeremy's back was already soaked from his heavy backpack and the already humid weather, and he was thankful for the burst of cold air as he walked though the doors.
Once inside, Jeremy was no longer looking this way and that. Now he assumed his diminutive posture, shuffling along the crowded hallways, looking down and not making eye contact. Jeremy had learned the value of being invisible in a world full of potential verbal and physical bullies. Straights could tell ... kind of like gays with their 'gaydar.' Sometimes straights knew you were gay even before you yourself knew. Most of the other students didn't care, but why, Jeremy wondered, did a few let it bug them so much that they had to become bullies. He had seen it with others who had been verbally taunted or beat up. He wasn't ready to go down that road yet.
The first thing Jeremy saw as he walked into his classroom was the shiny jet black hair. The door was at the back of the room and Sasnouk hadn't seen him yet. Jeremy quietly took his seat and his new friend looked over.
"Hey," Sasanouk quietly spoke, his half smile growing every so slightly.
"Hey," Jeremy resonded.
The two boys gazed into each other's eyes, knowing exactly what the other was thinking.
"Wanna come to my house after school?" Sasanouk asked.
"You think we need more practice?" Jeremy asked with genuine curiosity.
"Not on the play."
Jeremy both knew and didn't know what Sasanouk meant, and it was the 'didn't know' part that intrigued him the most. Jeremy tenderly bit his lower lip as eyes grew wider ever so slightly and slowly nodded his head.
"I'll walk home with you after school."
"Cool."
Part eight will be coming soon. Thanks to everyone who sent encouraging comments on parts one through six. I enjoyed reading them a lot.