On the Outside 20
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"On The Outside 20"
Is it possible to be biologically addicted to kissing your own boyfriend?
Is this the kind of thing that I'm going to have to go into rehab to regain some level of self control again someday? Because I'm starting to think that I'm developing a serious habitual issue here. Luckily, it's contagious. I'd hate to think what would happen if Drew didn't like making out as much as I did.
Hours. That's how long we spent alone in his Mom's basement. Hours. And all we did was laugh, make love, and feed each other gummy bears between kisses. Do you know how awesome kisses taste when you've both been eating gummy bears all morning. It's like...the ambrosia of the gods. Hehehe! Honestly, I don't think I've ever been naked for this long in my life. It's got to be illegal to be naked for more than hour or two. I was almost starting to feel a bit self conscious about it. Like, Jesus, I need to get dressed before the cops kick down the front door and drape a blanket over my shoulders before hauling my ass off to jail for indecent exposure!
All things aside, though...Drew and I simply couldn't get enough of each other. I think the muscles in my tongue got tired from Frenching, licking, and sucking, him so much. And yet, we just kept going. The habit forming 'smoosh' of his warm, marshmallow soft, lips against my own kept calling me back for more. We kissed so much that I was almost certain that I had cut my oxygen intake in half since I first showed up at his front door. I'm baffled by the concept of me living a normal life before Drew's kiss came along and set everything ablaze. How did my life exist with any meaning or purpose at all without being able to hold Drew in my arms like this and give him all the love my heart could muster? How was that life even possible? I once got the exact mountain bike that I wanted for my tenth birthday. I was sooooooo happy that day! Excited to the point where I wanted to literally scream and dance in the front yard to express my limitless joy to the rest of the neighborhood. But NOW??? Now I can't even imagine what the heck I was so happy about. I didn't have Drew yet, so how could I have any clue what infinite joy even was without my sweetheart resting here in my loving embrace? It just doesn't compute, you know?
"Why can't things be like this all the time?" Drew sighed to himself. "World peace could be achieved if everyone had a series of moments like this."
"Hehehe, you think so?"
"Yeah. Definitely." He said. "Kiss me some more. Please?"
Far be it from me to deny my baby such a simple request.
Our lips touched once again. Almost numb from the constant activity, but the contact left me just as breathless in the end as it did in the beginning of our private time together. I can't believe that I've got an actual BOYFRIEND to kiss!!! All that time I wasted, trying to hate myself when I could have been loving someone else. How many boys my age, in my position, are totally JEALOUS of me right now? Hehehe! How many people are looking at me with eyes of hatred and disgust, simply because they never got to experience a love this explosive when all the boys were still young and pretty and horny as hell? Thinking about it, I hugged Drew a little bit tighter, and wallowed in the intense tingly feelings surrounding me. Almost as if to toss up a middle finger to all of those bitter trolls in the world who, deep down, WISH they could have what Drew and I have right now. People who would get angry and stress themselves out trying to find reasons to call us stupid and annoying and naïve, just so they could keep us apart. You know...for our safety.
But, guess what? We don't CARE! We really don't. This is our own personal adventure...and critical minds with envy in their hearts aren't even invited to watch, much less comment on what we do. So there! Hehehe! Stay angry! Drew and I will have enough fun for all of those folks who can't find any fun on their own. Deal with it.
Drew reached into his plastic bag and grabbed another duo of gummy bears. One for him, one for me. When he offered, I said, "Ugh, no more." He smiled at me, but I wasn't giving in. "Hehehe, I've eaten like 50 of those things in the past hour alone."
"Just one more. Come on." He turned to look at me and reached back to hold it up to my lips. "Open..."
Ah shit...ok.
I did as he asked, and he fed me my last gummy bear for the day. Hehehe, is it weird that I love being so helpless when it comes to Drew 'politely' ordering me around?
I sucked on his finger before he could get it out of my mouth and he let out this sensual grin, giving me another kiss on the cheek. Then, out of the blue, he says, "OH!!! I want you to take a test for me!"
What??? "That was...quite literally...the most random thing that you could have possibly said to me right now." I chuckled.
"Hold on..." Drew got up and walked to the other end of the basement, causing me to immediately miss his body heat the moment he was gone. Still, though...I will never get tired of staring at that boy's perfect ass. Even after pounding myself into it for an entire morning and well into the afternoon, the sight of those sexy 'teardrop' cheeks in motion continued to bring me back to a state of boyish arousal. If I wasn't so worn out, I might go for another round the second he got within arms reach of me. Damn...I might do it anyway. Look at how cute his butt is! You know how a boy's skin doesn't really look all that pale to you until you see the glaring white tan line in front of your face? Hehehe, it's like sunlight has never once landed upon that baby soft skin. But it was hot, though. Soooo hot! Ugh...I want some more. Can I have more? It's never enough. His deep pink hole is sooooo wet....sooooo tight. I can't believe that I'm getting hard again. It's actually starting to ache now. Drew is driving me crazy, and all he did was turn his back to me for a few seconds. I'm so messed up.
Drew came back a few seconds later with one of his mom's old magazines. He got on his knees and gave me a quick kiss on the lips before practically shoving my legs apart to reclaim his spot between them, snuggling up to me, leaning back against my chest, and reaching for my hands so I could wrap my hands around his soft middle again before flipping through the magazine's pages to search for whatever it was he was looking for.
"Hehehe, what is this about?" I asked.
"Just wait! I'm looking for it." He said. "I want to see how you're gonna score on this test thingy."
"You're gonna test me? On what?"
He giggled, "On how awesome a boyfriend you are. I saw this the other day, but I wanted to wait until we were together to read it all. I thought it would be cool."
"Sounds like extra homework to me." I said, and Drew reached down to pinch me on my thigh! Owwww!
"Ok! Here it is. Let's see what score the magazine has for my prince charming." He smiled.
"If I fail, does that mean we have to break up?"
"HELL no!!!" He said. "You're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not letting YOU go anywhere either. So...there. Hehehe!" He kissed me again on the cheek, but I kissed him on the lips right after that...letting it linger and I tightened my embrace and enjoyed the feel of his soft breath on my skin. He tasted so sweet to me. He broke contact and said, "Wait...not yet. Hehehe! First the test...then more 'naughty'. M'kay?"
"M'kay..." I agreed, and nuzzled my nose, lovingly, into the side of his neck as he folded the magazine back a bit to read from the article.
"So, here's what it says..." Drew started. "...Is your partner as 'into you' as you think he is? Let's find out. The following eight questions were designed to help you figure out whether your dream guy is really ready to provide you with the relationship that you deserve...or if he's just hanging on until he finds someone better. Answer the questions below, and tally up your score at the end."
I snickered under my breath, and Drew craned his neck back to give me a playful look. I said, "I'm sorry. Hehehe, this just sounds so cheesy."
"Cheesy or not, respect the test, dude. It might end up telling me to dump your sorry butt."
"What happened to being 'stuck' with you for good?"
"Well, we will just have to see how that works out for you, won't we?" Hehehe! But then he kissed me on the same cheek again and said, "I'm just kidding. MWAH! You're beautiful. Promise." He went back to the magazine. "Question number one...does your chosen dream guy compliment you often? Does he do nice things for you, and spend quality time with you in order to prove how much he cares for you?" Drew looked back and smiled at me. "Hehehe, do you think today counts?"
"Today definitely counts." I grinned. "In fact, I was just getting ready to compliment you on how hot your ASS looks a few minutes ago!" Drew giggled sweetly, and I gave him a squeeze, along with an extra kiss. "If I said you were the most exciting, most incredible, thing that's ever happened to me...would that count as a compliment."
Drew sighed in the cutest way. "I guess I can check you off for the compliment question, yeah." His eyes met mine for a brief moment, and...damn! I had to kiss those lips again. You have no IDEA how soft Drew's lips are! It's like kissing the foot of a newborn baby. Hehehe, if that makes any sense!
"Yay! One point for Ethan the wonder boy." I said.
"We're not done yet, Mister." Drew continued. "Question number two...does he surprise you with little notes, random kisses, or gifts to let you know that he has been thinking about you? Does he contact you just to see how your day was, or remind you that you are special to him without any provocation at all?"
"I told you I loved you at least twenty times today. Hehehe, I can't even help myself. So I know I'm getting checked off for this one." I said.
"Yeah, you do make me feel pretty special. I can give you a passing grade on that one..."
"A 'passing grade'? Excuse me."
Drew rolled his eyes with a grin. "Fine. I'll admit it, you're awesome. But you weren't always this nice to me."
"Neither were you." I said.
"Touche..." He gave me points for being spontaneous and cute when it came to little surprises, here and there. Then he went on to the next question. "Question number three...does he take a serious interest in who you are and what you like? Can he remember intimate details about you and the life you lead?" He wrinkled his brow a little bit, and he asked me, "I don't know. Do you? I don't think I have a whole lot of intimate details for you to know." He told me, "Maybe we can skip this one..."
"Unh unh, hold on now." I giggled. "You've got intimate details."
"Hehehe, I do?"
"Indeed, you do. Like...I know when things get heavy for you at school, you come way out here to your mom's house and work in her coffee shop until you feel better." I said.
"That's not intimate." He smirked.
"I know you're GAY!"
"That's hardly a secret to anybody."
"I know you used to have a HUGE crush on Taylor Hanson when you were younger! Like HUGE!" I laughed at his shocked reaction.
"No way! That doesn't count! And I told you that in confidence, so...let's forget that ever happened."
"That wasn't in 'confidence'. It was a question to be read out in front of the entire class on the very first day." I said. "So, quit cheating already and give me three for three."
I could feel Drew's waifish little frame jiggle as he tried to hold his chuckles back. "I still don't think any of that stuff about me is a big mystery."
"No?" I said. "Should I mention that you dress up like a cute little clown for ice cream parties in your mom's basement? Because I'm totally down for hearing more about that little activity once you decide to fill me in on how..."
"OK!!! You got the point already. no need to overdo it. Ahem..." He said, cutting me off. "NEXT question..."
"I saw the picture of you all dressed up, you know..."
"I SAID...next question! AHEM!!!" He repeated, and just moved on to avoid the embarrassment of having to talk about it anymore. Hehehe, I don't know what he was so ashamed of. I thought he looked CUTE! "Question number four...we're halfway through it now...your special guy loves being with you, and just you...and he NEVER flirts or even looks at anyone else when you are out together." Drew said, "Well, you're a big ol' FAIL on that one, because you love that 'Ethan' guy more than me. So...no points there."
"You are determined to have me fail this test, aren't you?" I laughed.
"I'm just saying...devoting your heart to a super cute pop star boy is a sign of...I don't know...whatever this survey is trying to prove." I giggled to myself, and kissed him a few more times on his cute little face! I told you, I'm totally addicted. "Stop! I'm not gonna let you bribe me out of ruining your perfect score."
"I'm starting to think that you have a hidden agenda with this wacky magazine." I said. "If I have to take a dive for Ethan Karpathy, then you've got to take one for Patrick at school. Fair is fair."
"Oh, come on...you were never really jealous of Patrick." He said.
"Yeah, I kinda was..." I confessed.
"Were you?" He asked. "I thought you were kidding around about that." He said, and kissed my lips again. "Seriously, I'm not even interested, ok? I only want to love you. Nobody else. K?"
"I love you too." I moaned, and rested my chin on his shoulder to read the next question myself this time. "Question number five...your dream guy doesn't have any problems telling you how he feels about you, openly and honestly, even without being asked."
Drew smiled. "Well, you did just tell me you loved me, so that counts."
"That, and we're both sitting on your mom's basement floor, completely naked, after hours of hot, steamy, boy on boy action. Hehehe, so I'm pretty sure that counts as being 'open and honest' with my feelings."
"Everything sounds so erotic, when you say it." He grinned, wiggling even deeper into my arms. "Ok, so you're all aces in that department. Ok, question six...your boyfriend is caring and comforting, and he's always willing to listen and be there for you when you're feeling down." He looked back at me. "Awww, straight A's in that category too." He kissed my lips and said, "Notice how it doesn't mention fighting anybody?"
"Hehehe, whatever. Just give me my point and keep going." I grinned.
However...this time, when Drew looked back down at the magazine...something changed. I could just...'feel' it as I was holding him. "Well, that one's not important. We can skip that one."
"What? Hehehe, no way. I want more points."
"It doesn't apply to us..."
"So? Read it anyway." I said, gently kissing his neck with a smile.
Drew shrugged his shoulders and softly mumbled, "Question seven...your favorite guy has no trouble showing his affection for you in public. He tells all of his friends and family members about you, and makes it clear that you two are in a relationship." I'd be lying if I said that my heart didn't sink a little bit when I heard that one. I loosened a bit of my 'squeeze' on Drew, and found myself feeling a bit ashamed of myself for not living up to that part of being Drew's boyfriend. noticing the silence, Drew said, "But that's different, baby. This is all for girls and their boyfriends. Our situation is a bit...different."
"Oh? Is that why I get a total fail on this one?" I tried to make it sound like a joke, but it wasn't. To be honest, it made my heart ache a little bit to know that this was one area that I had no real excuse for. None other than fear, pride, and reputation, that is. It hardly seemed fair, considering what Drew gave me in return.
"Hey!" He said. "It's not a fail. Ok?"
"Sure." I said flatly.
"I mean it, Ethan. That stuff doesn't matter to me. Besides, we have SO much more fun when it's just you and me, cutie. MWAH!"
"Ok..." I could feel myself pouting now. I didn't want to. I was kind of blindsided by the sweeping emotion knocking me all the way back to square one as far as my dirty little secret was concerned. I hope he didn't notice.
"Last question. Your special guy truly misses you when you're not around, and makes an effort to let you know that he wants to remain close to you as often as possible. Hehehe, I definitely miss you when I'm not in your arms like this. So that's a mark in the win column for both of us, right?"
"I guess. Yeah." I said.
He kept reading, "So, how did your partner rate? Is he a soggy dog that you can kick to the curb? Or is he a strong, sensitive, expressive, guy who would be a major catch for any lady to hold on to for dear life? If you've got a good one, lock him down! And never let him go, because if you don't want him, someone else will." Drew gave me the cutest little smirk. "According to this, you're the perfect boyfriend...not that it's any real surprise to me."
"Almost perfect." I pouted. "Sorry."
Getting a bit more serious, Drew tossed the magazine aside and scooted around on the carpet to face me. "Ethan...I mean it when I say that you have nothing to worry about. It's not an issue for me. Really. I know you love me."
"Nobody else does..."
"Nobody else has to. That's the whole point that I'm trying to make. Even if they DID know, that doesn't mean it would be any of their business. All I want is to feel close to you. To have you hold me like you can't live without me. Share some laughs and a plastic bag full of gummy bears. Do that every once in a while and you'll make me the happiest boy on the planet. I swear."
I lifted my eyes greet his, a few of his light brown curls hanging a bit longer than usual in the front. "I wish I had the courage to do what you did." I said. "If for no other reason than to get rid of this weight on my chest. I get so sick of having to hide and protect this stupid secret which shouldn't even be a secret in the first place. I can't even figure out why it MATTERS to anybody! I just know that I'm not allowed to be this way. Sometimes it hurts. And that was fine when it was just hurting me...but now it's hurting you too. And I can't stand it anymore." I said. "How did you do it? Why did you do it?"
He thought for a moment, and then he scooted over to sit beside me, putting his arm around me. "I don't know. I guess I just reached a point where I felt a lot like you do now. Suffocated. Alone. It felt like it was poisoning me from the inside sometimes." He ran his fingers through my hair, and leaned over to lay his head on my shoulder. "When people don't understand you or feel like they're interests are in the majority, they try to shame you. Try to make you feel sick and wrong for not liking what they like. People determine their sense of 'normal' by how many other people agree with them. Then they shun those of us who are different just so they can think they have a solid standing in the world. And it sucks. Believe me, I know. But they don't own the whole world. Just because they're in the majority, it doesn't mean that they're allowed to be the only perspective of what is and isn't normal." He said. "So...one day, when I figured I'd had enough...I spoke up. And I let them know that I was here. That I wasn't a part of their perfect little picture of society and that I didn't have to be. They can't pretend I don't exist anymore. So they can either accept me, or they can walk around angry and scared all day because the local 'gay boy' is a reminder that they don't have as much control as they wish they had. Period."
Sadly, I said, "I think I'm getting to that point too, Drew. This whole heterosexual costume is just more frustrating than anything else these days. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be happy. And I want you right here with me."
With a bit of a sniffle, Drew leaned in and softly kissed my lips. "I want to be with you too."
"I'm gonna make that perfect score one of these days. I promise."
With a kiss on my forehead, both of his hands caressing the sides of my face...Drew said, "You get a perfect score from me. Every day."
Maybe it's time. I couldn't ask for any more proof that this feels right. That this is what I want more than anything in the world. Yeah, I'm scared. Terrified, even. But when I consider what I have to gain from a few moments of discomfort and a couple of awkward looks from strangers in the hallway...it hardly seems like much of a sacrifice at all. What am I giving up, other than a lie that was making me miserable in the first place. If I had to choose, I'd rather deal with the misery brought on by the truth...then one maintained by some falsehood that doesn't fit me anymore.
I'm not quite there yet, Drew...but I'm learning.
I'm learning.
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