Disaster
I have loved Ben for years. I have accepted that we would only be best friends and not boyfriends. I couldn't make him gay if he wasn't. I have given up hope of him ever loving me. And then I found love in the most unexpected place -- Mike. And then I lost it, because he couldn't cope with being gay. Fine, I dealt with it. I went back to Ben. I was ok with just being friends with benefits. And now... he found another guy to have sex with. I was fine with his constant stream of girls but I couldn't stand seeing him with another guy. I could accept that he's not gay and I have no right to stop him from messing with girls. But if he's into guys, why is he not into me? I was furious. I was jealous. I almost lost my mind. As fate would have it, I was not to find true love. God had to take away every meaningful relationship in my life. I hated everything.
After getting it out of my system, I started to calm down. I went to my favorite secluded spot on campus and sat on the grass. I started thinking. May be things weren't so bad. Ben was just being himself. He didn't want to fuck guys because he thought it was too gay for him, but when it's forced on him, he found it pleasurable. Being the sex fiend that he was, he's bound to want it. It's just more meaningless sex for him. Why should I find it any different from the multitude of girls he has fucked over the years? But it was different. He resisted doing it with me, but now he wants to do it with another guy. That's what made me mad. I didn't feel like seeing Ben. God, I just moved back in and I'm already avoiding him. What's going on? Just as I was thinking about what to do next, I found Ben running towards me, chest heaving.
"What are you doing here?" I asked coldly.
"I knew I'd find you here. I want to talk to you." He was breathing heavily. This guy could run a marathon without breaking a sweat. Why was he so out of breath?
"Did you run all the way here?"
"Yeah." He said panting. Somehow it felt good to see him like this, all out of breath, looking for me. And besides, how did he know my secret spot?
"How do you know I'm here?"
"Best friends, right? I know you."
"Yeah, some best friend. Go screw your boyfriend."
"Rick, are you jealous?" He smirked. I hated that look. I just stared at him.
"I know you wanted to do more with me, but I refused. Is that why you are angry?"
I took a deep breath. "I can understand when you said fucking a guy was too gay for you. But now you are initiating it with another guy. How do you think it would make me feel?"
"Rick, I'm not good with this feeling stuff. Why don't you just tell me?" His face was red and he was puffing, his hands on his knees standing before me. I was sitting on the lawn with my back against a tree, his face inches from mine. He was so close I could smell his musk. It was intoxicating. On one hand I hated him, but on the other I wanted to push him onto the ground and ride his cock.
"Rick, hello?" He snapped me out of my daydream. "Your eyes glazed over. You were fantasizing... about me?" That smirk again.
"You know I love you, Ben." I surprised myself by saying it, but I've been holding it in forever I had to get it out. "I want to make love to you more than anything else. Not fucking, making love. I understand if you can't do it because you are not gay, but please... don't go behind my back and fuck guys and then tell me that crap."
His smile was gone. He got serious. "I know, Rick. I've always sensed it, but I don't want to disappoint you. You know I don't love you the same way you love me." I knew that for a fact, but hearing him say it point-blank hurt more than I could imagine. I started crying uncontrollably. I hated it... it was a secluded spot but still public. I buried my head in my arms.
"Rick, Rick!" He held my arms gently and moved them away from my face. He held my face with both of his hands. I've never felt such a gentle touch. "I'm not a robot. I know how much you love me, how much crap you put up with me. But I don't work that way. You know it, right?"
"I know!" I yelled in between sobs. "So what are you doing here? Shame me in public? Hurt me some more?" I was hysterical. Having the love of your life tell you he doesn't love you... that hurts.
And then hell freezes over. He bent down and kissed me! A long, wet kiss! I had to push him away because I couldn't breathe. I still haven't stopped sobbing, but he shocked the hell out of me.
"What the hell was that for?"
"For you, Rick! For everything you've done, for being my best friend!"
"Best friends don't kiss like that!"
"Then I guess you are more than a best friend."
"What am I then?"
"Somewhere between a best friend and a... boyfriend." He smiled. What? Am I hearing correctly?
"What does that even mean, and what about the other guy?"
"Well, he's my fuck buddy." I narrowed my eyes. "So you got a boyfriend, yet you have a fuck buddy, and I don't think you are going to stop fucking those girls either?"
"You know me too well, Rick. One person can't satisfy me. Oh, and besides, I said something between a best friend and a boyfriend,' not boyfriend.'"
"It's just a play on words to get me to continue doing sexual things with you!"
He sighed. "What do you want me to say? That I have suddenly turned gay and we should get married?"
"No, just be honest that you are a sex fiend who would say anything for sex!"
Downcast, he sighed. "Is that all you think of me?" He looked sadder than I have ever seen him. He just turned around and walked away.
"Ben, wait!" This time it was me who wanted to stop him from leaving. "That's not what I meant!"
"Then what, Rick, what am I to you?" He looked at me with those sad, puppy dog eyes that I wanted to just hug him.
"You are the most wonderful person I've ever seen!"
"Most wonderful person, and sex fiend?"
"Yes, that too."
"Now you are the one who is just saying things to get me to do things with you." He turned around and walked away, and this time he didn't stop when I called.
Oh my God! I totally screwed that up! I felt like shit! I couldn't even decipher what went wrong. The whole thing was a mess and I was so confused. He said I was "somewhere between a best friend and a boyfriend." What does that mean? Is there such a thing? Is it good?
Everything just fell apart. He wouldn't talk to me. I have tried numerous times to explain myself, but he wouldn't listen. Football practice was horrible. How was I going to work with him when we couldn't even talk? Coach knew something was wrong immediately and made us stay back after practice.
"What's wrong, guys? You were horrible out there, both of you!"
"It's me, Coach." Ben answered quickly. "Something happened and I have a hard time dealing with it."
"What happened?"
Well, you know... the night I went over to the Bruins? They caught me and... they did things to me."
"They beat you up? Humiliated you?"
"No, they... er..."
"Oh God, don't tell me they made you..."
"They... made me suck everyone on the team."
"Jesus! You should have called the police! That's sexual assault!"
"And let the whole world know I sucked cocks?"
"Damn those Bruins! That's taking it too far! I'm calling their coach!" He reached for the phone but Ben stopped him.
"Please, it's embarrassing enough to tell you. Please don't tell others!"
"Ben, this is outrageous, sexually abusing my quarterback just before the big game. This is wrong on so many levels!"
"I know, but please don't tell anyone else! I'm dealing with it!"
"You sure? And what about you, Rick? You were crap too."
"I... I have a hard time concentrating when I found out what they did. All I can think of is how to get back at them." That's not really the truth, but I was going along with Ben. Better this than all the drama between us.
"Well, that, I can understand. I'm fucking pissed myself. If you need anything... talk to me."
"Thanks, Coach!"
"But then, our match is less than two weeks away. Are you sure you guys can handle it?"
"Yes, Coach, we want to win more than anything."
"All right, take care, you guys, and don't think about revenge too much. Winning the game is the best revenge."
"Yes, sir!"
"Now go home and get some rest."
We got out from the Coach's office. "What a fucking brilliant lie that was." I said.
"You want me to tell him what really happened?"
"I didn't think he'd understand."
"Exactly. Besides, that wasn't really a lie. It did happen and I have a hard time coping with it."
"On the contrary, you seem rather happy to have a new fuck buddy."
He looked me straight in the eyes with those sad puppy eyes again. "Is that all you think about me?"
I sighed. "Ben, I think you are a great person, I always have. Why do you think I stuck with you all these years? But you got to face it, you are all sex and no love!"
"Rick, have you ever wondered there may be a reason for that?" Those sad eyes have become so haunting I shivered.
"What reason would that be?" I asked timidly. I sensed something really big.
He shook his head. "You wouldn't understand." He mumbled and left. I felt like crap.
I claimed to be the person who loved Ben most, but I knew nothing about his history. I knew not why he dared not love again. It must be some deep hurt. Yet, as his best friend, instead of learning what that was, I just labeled him a sex fiend out of frustration. And he was trying to change, trying to be different. He was trying to see me as more than a best friend. The more I thought about it, the worst I felt.
Needless to say, I felt like crap the next few days. Football practice was a disaster. Coach yelled at us, but not too much. He expressed his sympathy privately, but told us we really needed to shape up for the big game. However, I didn't think it was going to be easy.