Robert's Revelations Chapter 9
Robert's Revelations
This story is set in rural England in 1982. It is, obviously, written in British English with British words and spellings. The cultural references are also from that time and place so I hope that references to cars, TV shows or music won't spoil the story for those who don't know them. Follow the links provided for more information or just ignore them. (And yes, I know you can use a search engine just as well as I can. The links are for convenience, not to insult anyone.)
As always, this is fiction and any resemblance to real people is coincidental. In some chapters controversial opinions will be expressed. Please remember they are the characters' opinions, not the author's. Some are opinions I profoundly disagree with but I've tried to state them fairly, not parody them.
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Chapter Nine – Didactic Surprises Part Two
Note: This chapter refers to a magazine called 'Outright' and describes two articles in it. As far as I can discover there has never been any UK magazine called Outright, although there was a New Zealand one with that title.
The first of these (fictional) articles is closely based on a review by Richard G. Younge in Historical Magazine of the Protestant Episcopal Church, Vol. 49, No. 1 (March, 1980) of the book The Church and the Homosexual by John J. McNeill published in 1976.
The second article is mainly derived from the book 'Torn' ('Unconditional' in the UK) by Justin Lee but you should not assume that he agrees with my analysis or conclusions. In at least some ways he doesn't.
Both these fictitious articles are a lot shorter than what they are based on and I've missed a lot out.
David walked into the dining area and looked out of the window. “That's Aunt Jenny's car. I wonder what she wants. Probably doesn't know Mum and Dad aren't here. Quick Rob, get in the kitchen.”
“Can't I meet your aunt then?” I teased.
“Yes, but not with fresh spunk all over your shirt! She's not that liberal!” I'd forgotten that. I bolted into the kitchen to wash it off, taking the kitchen paper and bin with me, as David went to answer the door.
As I was sponging my shirt at the sink I heard voices through the door, male voices, no-one who sounded like an aunt. Once I was reasonably presentable I went back to the living area and found David and Tony talking to a young man I didn't know. “Rob, this is my cousin Jeremy that I told you about. Jeremy, this is Robert Symes, he's in my year at school.” I shook hands with Jeremy. “And he gives the most fabulous hand-jobs” he added in a camp tone, probably intended to shock us both.
“Do you mind?” I snapped, hurt and angered by the lack of discretion.
Jeremy looked amused. “Knowing David, that's the last thing he'd mind. Starting a collection are you cuz? I thought you were with Tony here. The permissive society's really blooming round here isn't it?”
David just laughed. “Sorry, Rob, I couldn't resist it. But you can trust Jeremy, he won't give you away.” He turned to his cousin. “I'm with Tony as long as he'll have me, he knows that. Rob's just a friend who's trying to find himself and I'm helping him look.” He glanced at me. “But I don't think he's comfortable talking about it. So, I don't mean to be rude, but is this a social call or do you want something?”
“No. You do.” Jeremy opened the bag he'd brought with him and pulled out some magazines. “My usual contribution to spread decadence, anarchy and chaos in the Tory shires.” Then he produced a VHS video cassette. “And I managed to get a copy of ' Nighthawks' for you. Sorry, but you owe me a fiver. By the time I rented the film and bribed Phil to copy it, plus the mags.... Pretty boring film I thought, I hope you think it's worth it. It wasn't that easy to find.”
“Maybe less boring for us?” suggested David. “Thanks anyway. If memory serves the Mail said it was 'utterly sordid and depraved' in their review. I do hope so. Wait there.” He went off upstairs.
“How are you Tony?” asked Jeremy kindly. “You're very quiet. Not upset about this triangle thing I hope?”
Tony laughed aloud. “With Rob you mean? There's no triangle! I was here when it happened and it was hot watching it. And if I hadn't agreed in advance it wouldn't have happened. Don't worry about us, Jer, we're solid, and we know what the limits are. Like he said Rob's just a friend. A confused friend. He wants to fuck boys but he's afraid Jesus won't want him for a sunbeam. I really think Dave's too patient sometimes.”
“And you're too impatient and angry sometimes” said David, coming back downstairs. “He's not Mary Whitehouse or your father, he's scared and confused. Like we were about a year ago, remember? That first kiss when we both half expected the other to beat us up for trying it, but we went for it anyway out of hope? That's about how Rob feels now so give him a break.”
I was surprised and hurt by the hostility. “Hey, don't fall out over me” I pleaded. “That's the last thing I want. I'm sorry if I've done something to offend you, Tony, it wasn't intentional. I'm grateful for what you two have done for me but I was brought up a certain way and I can't just turn my back on it. Not yet, anyway.”
“Maybe you don't have to” said Jeremy. “Have you still got that Outright magazine Dave? The religious one? From about last September I think it was?”
“The religious one? What reli.... Oh! I know. That's the one I was trying to think of on Friday, of course. It's mostly about trying to change social attitudes but there are a couple of articles about religion in it. Here, take this.” He handed Jeremy a ten pound note. “That's the five I owe you and the next couple of months' mags, I'm really grateful you keep sending them. Now I'll just get that Outright before I forget it again.” He went back upstairs.
Tony was looking chastened. “Rob? I'm sorry too. Dave's right and I shouldn't have said that but there's something you should know. Your folks sound like good people, and Dave's really are. But my old man's a cunt. Sorry but he is. And Mum's a doormat who won't say boo to him. He dotes on my sister, she knows how to play him. But he never misses a chance to put me down, and calls me a little girly poof if I complain about it and try to stand up to him. He doesn't mean it literally, he means it as an insult. And you should hear what he says about gay people whenever he hears of one. I wasn't joking when I said he'd beat the crap out of me if he knew.
“The day I come out to my family is the day I leave home. I can't wait to say 'Your little girly poof son says FUCK YOU!' but I'll say it on my way out the door, too risky otherwise. Here is where I feel safe, so when you start acting like you agree with the old bastard about it's an insult.... Well, I get a little spiky sometimes. Just tell me to shut up.”
“Oh, I see” I replied. “I'm sorry you have to put up with that, it can't be easy. I'm pretty conflicted right now between my feelings and my background and I'm trying to work it out. I'm getting some help from Reverend Peters. He thinks what you do is a sin, but so is thinking it's an insult. I wish you'd heard his sermon, the people who look down on us didn't like it, that's for sure. Maybe this magazine can help me as well. But whatever conclusions I come to I'll want to think of you two as friends and I'll never look down on you or think what you are is an insult. If I seem to it's unintentional so you tell me to shut up.”
He smiled. “So the people who look down on us didn't like it did they? You'll get there in the end.” David came back carrying another magazine. “Hey, Dave, have you noticed Rob accepts himself whenever he's not thinking about it?”
“Maybe. I hadn't really thought about it. He's certainly good fun when he drops his inhibitions. But he'll have to work things out for himself. We can't tell him what to think, much as I'd like to.”
He handed me a magazine called 'Outright'. “Check this out sometime. It may help you. There's a couple of articles with a Christian perspective you probably haven't seen before. I don't know if you'll agree with it but at least give it a try.”
I took the magazine eagerly, looking forward to reading it at the first opportunity. This was what I had wanted from Reverend Peters, and now I was getting it 'from the horse's mouth' I hoped. Perhaps this will square the circle, but I'll still see Rev Peters, It would be rude not to and I really do want to consider both sides. His question about what am I afraid of haunted me. 'You're afraid you can't have what you want, that's what!' said my inner cynic.
“Well, I'm afraid this has to be a flying visit” said Jeremy. “I wanted to drop that video off personally instead of posting it. It's an illegal copy after all. But Mum wants her car back and I promised to have high tea with them before I go out with Melanie this evening. So if you don't mind.... Can I give you a lift Rob?”
“Er, no, thanks” I replied. “I've got my bike, thanks. And anyway I'd like to stay here for a bit.” Tony sniggered. He must have a dirty mind, that's not what I meant. But come to think of it.....
“Okay. Well, nice to meet you anyway. I doubt I'll be home again before the summer vacation, it costs too much but I'll keep sending the mags, Dave, and we'll get together when I'm here. See you again, Tony.” And then he was gone.
“So, you'd like to stay for a bit?” teased Tony. “I thought you'd only just had a bit. Greedy boy aren't you? Just like me.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I looked straight at David. “That.... What you just did to me... That was amazing! I want to learn how to do it. Will you teach me?”
He glanced nervously at Tony. “Well, I don't know. Maybe that's not such a great idea if it's going to cause resentment or....”
“It's not” interrupted Tony. “I meant what I said when we talked about it. No full sex, no kissing, anything else is just a bit of fun between friends as long as it's in the open, no secrets. If I resent anything it's his attitude, and you're right, I wasn't being fair. I'm just in a shitty mood just now. Dad had another jibe about 'Doris on her scooter' when I left on Friday and that Bigelow's attitude reminded me and it got to me. Just ignore me. Actually,” he smiled, “I know one cure for a bad mood if you're both up for it and then you won't have to worry about jealousy.”
“Now that's not a bad idea” said David. “I do worry if I'm getting all the fun so let's mix it up a bit and share the love. What do you think Rob? I'll tell you what to do, but you do it to Tony. But only if you want to, no pressure. Always remember you don't have to do anything.”
I looked at Tony, sat there grinning at me. Perhaps I did owe him something. A wave of lust rolled over me. Yeah, right, Robbie, you owe him. It's not like you want to get his clothes off, take control of his body, make him dependent on you for pleasure and enjoy the satisfaction of giving it to him. Not like you want to see him naked and explore his responses. No, it's pure altruism isn't it? Who are you kidding? Aloud I just said “Okay, take your clothes off.”
He looked surprised, like he'd only been joking and expected me to say no. And then the look on his face changed as he shifted gears mentally and reached for his shirt. With no apparent inhibitions he stripped himself naked in front of us. By the time he stepped out of his y-fronts he was already hard, and looking tense and eager. He put his shirt on the sofa and sat on it.
“Okay then” said David. “Kneel in front of him. Now, hold it with your right hand, as near the base as you can.” It felt hot, and I fancied I could feel his pulse through it. “Now, shield your teeth with your lips, you don't want to bite. And lick your lips, get them good and wet. Now put it in your mouth. That's it, close your mouth around it. Now just move your head back and forth as you grip the shaft with your lips, and use your tongue as well to stimulate it.
“For now, just go as far as your hand where you're holding it. We won't try deep throating just yet, get the basics down first. That's it, carry on and just do what feels right. He'll tell you when he's close. Take your mouth away then and finish it by hand, you don't want to be choking on a mouthful of come your first time, you can try that later.” Then he shut up and let me get on with it.
I just did what seemed to be right. I didn't really know what I was doing but I must have been getting it somewhere near right if Tony's tense muscles and gasping breaths were any guide. Then he got really hard and gasped “I'm almost there” so I quickly pulled my head away and started masturbating him with my hand. A moment later he finished. I watched the come spurting out of him, delighted to know I caused it.
“Did that help with your bad mood?” I asked, feeling inordinately pleased with myself.
“Yeah, you're not bad for a beginner, I have to say” he admitted, still breathing hard.
“I'm glad you enjoyed it” I said. “Did someone offer me a cup of coffee, if I remember right?”
I got my coffee and drank it and then it was time to head home for dinner. “Thanks for the magazine” I said, tucking it inside my shirt as I got on my bike. “I'll see you at school tomorrow.” Doris's scooter Tony's Honda C50 was parked in the drive. It did look like a scooter. Perhaps Tony should embrace 'mod' culture, all our dads were the right age to identify with it. Maybe Tony's dad had been a 'rocker' though.
After dinner I retired to my room to check out the Outright mag and see what it had to say about religion. I found two articles of interest.
The first was a book review. I read, fascinated. It seemed that a Catholic priest called John McNeill had published a book six years ago, with the Vatican's blessing, amazingly, calling into question and seeking to redefine the Church's whole teaching about gay people and their relationships.
According to the article, the book was in three sections. The first was a historical review of how traditional beliefs came about, how they supposedly clash with modern knowledge, and the practical harms that can cause.
The second was an attempt to base a new paradigm on the facts that gay people exist and that it is not a disease to be cured nor a choice to be resisted by willpower.
The third was how the Church's ministry should change in the light of this, so that it caters to everyone equally instead of just reinforcing majority prejudice. And, according to Fr McNeill, “the same moral rules apply to homosexual as to heterosexual attitudes and behaviour. Those that are responsible, respectful, loving and truly promotive of the good of both parties are moral; those that are exploitative, irresponsible, disrespectful, or destructive of the true good of either party must be judged immoral.” (McNeill, p.21)
Bravo! I couldn't agree more. And this was written in 1974! Why don't we know about it? Well one reason, it seems, is that the Vatican regretted opening that particular can of worms and promptly shut it again. And of course, just because I agree with something based on my opinion of someone else's opinion of a third person's opinion that doesn't mean God agrees with it. No doubt Rev Peters would have an opinion of his own. Food for thought though.
The other article of interest was about Gay Liberation Theology, a new idea that had started to emerge in the last decade or so. This particular article mainly sought to analyse the relevant bible verses, although it did mention in passing the theory's origins in Latin American 'Liberation Theology' whatever that is. Anyway, it seems that same-sex activity (the term 'homosexuality' was not invented until the nineteenth century, 'gay' later still so not relevant) is very rarely mentioned in the bible and not at all in the gospels. And when it is mentioned it is usually highly ambiguous.
About the infamous cities of Sodom and Gomorrah the article agreed with Reverend Peters, strangely enough, at least to the extent that Sodom's sin was very unlikely to be the so-called 'Sin of Sodom'. The entire male population of the city wanted to rape two male strangers, we are told. Well, how likely is it that all of them were motivated by same-sex lust? A desire to violate and humiliate the stranger is far more credible. Rape and xenophobia, just as the reverend said.
The ubiquitous 'abomination' verse (Leviticus 18:22) may well be about ritual prostitution by Canaan-ites but even if it's not, what else is in Leviticus? Well, quite a lot actually, including a ban on shaving. Any man without a beard who relies on this verse has some explaining to do.
In the New Testament we have Romans 1:18-32 The people in this passage apparently become gay after they cease to worship God. “For this reason, God gave them up to dishonourable passions.” It again seems to have more to do with sex rites in the idol worship practised in that time and place than any real SSA.
And in 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 'homosexual offenders' are mentioned as one of a long list of sinners who will not enter the kingdom of God. The word translated as 'homosexual offenders' (a concept that did not exist at that time, remember) may mean men who abuse young boys.
And that's about it. Nothing in the Gospels, nothing from Jesus, nothing really clear cut except one, taken out of its cultural and historical context. And on this somewhat dubious basis we demonise millions of people for something they can't change, and exclude them from churches. No wonder they go off and start their own.
More food for thought. And taken together with Fr McNeill's arguments it had to at least add up to a question mark. Perhaps things were not so clear cut as I'd always been led to believe. I made some notes, to prompt me when I met with Rev Peters. Most importantly, for me anyway: we are all sinners, he said that himself. It is the unrepentant sinners who are damned. But this issue is far from clear and experts disagree. So, question: Can I be an unrepentant sinner if I don't believe I'm sinning? An interesting question that I could argue either way and I wondered what Rev Peters would have to say.
Most importantly, I felt much better now that I'd taken an emotional schism between what I was beginning to realise I was versus what I had always believed and turned it into an intellectual question I could potentially resolve. I would consider all sides, form a judgement and act on it. I didn't need to feel helpless and conflicted any more.
On that happy note I put the magazine away with the others, got all my school stuff ready for the morning and then went downstairs to watch TV until bed time.
Chapter 10 coming soon.