SECOND TOUGHEST IN THE INFANTS by Kai Wailbone
FOR PIERRE - things don't always end up the way you want
DISCLAIMER FOR CHAPTER ELEVEN
This is a work of fiction. The characters are fictional, though their names and descriptions are similar to real people. These real people are depicted with character traits, past histories, and sexualities that ARE NOT MEANT TO IMPLY ANYTHING about their real-life counterparts.
Do not take this (the story) seriously. Please.
The title is from the Underworld album "Second Toughest in the Infants." The chapter headings are from lyrics and song names.
Second Toughest in the Infants Chapter Eleven - Listening to the barbed wire
"What does it matter? What's done is done and I should get on with my life..."
- Stabbing Westward, "Haunting me" ___________________________________
"Sometimes... I can believe it's really not so bad. Really, there are times when I look back on it, and things can seem so sweet, so... gentle. Briefly gentle, of course, with maybe only a look, or a single touch among many. But for that single touch, or for that one second, things are perfect..."
"Hmmm..."
Jacob shook his head as he stared at his plate, the remains of his pasta salad scattered like the battlefield of some tiny country. Poking at it with his fork, he looked up.
"So... am I just being stupid?"
"I'm not sure I'm really the person to be telling you anything." Jeremy smiled over his coffee, the steam fogging his glasses. "I really haven't been around enough, and certainly haven't seen you two together enough, to make any kind of judgement, even if I was the kind of person who MADE judgements about these kinds of things. Or even got involved in these kinds of things."
"But I ALWAYS talk to you about these things..."
"No, you always talk to me about THINGS." Jeremy looked at him pointedly. "This whole gay-thing with Ashley is a relatively new topic."
"But he... you heard what he did!"
"Yes. Yes, I did." Jeremy's expression hardened. "When someone laughs in your face... you never forget it."
"And he's... he's using me. I think. For sex. And he's not even being subtle about it anymore."
Jeremy put down his coffee. "Then it sounds to me like you've already figured out what you need to do."
Jacob looked up sharply. "If I already figured it out, I wouldn't be talking to you, would I?"
"Not necessarily." Jeremy leaned back in his chair. "Sometimes people just need to talk, to get their own thinking straight. Or they want approval or assurances that what they're doing is right."
"I don't need..." Jacob trailed off and thought about it. "I don't need... your approval..."
"Didn't say you did."
"But... I WOULD like your advice." Jacob looked up. "Do you think I should... I mean... should I... DUMP him?"
Jeremy smiled, irritatingly complacent. "All I can do, old son, is reiterate my old advice. Which you seem to have done your best to ignore."
"So what you're saying is... 'I told you so'?"
Jeremy shrugged. "Not in so many words. But if it makes you feel better, yes."
Jacob sighed. "So it comes down to me should have listened to you, huh?"
"Doesn't it always?" Jeremy grinned, but his eyes flickered down to his cell phone sitting beside his plate.
Jacob noticed. "What was that?"
Jeremy looked up innocently. "What?"
"That look to your cell. Should I feel slighted that I'm not as important as an expected call?"
"Huh? Oh! No..." Jeremy chuckled nervously as he fiddled with his phone. "It's just... my sisters are coming soon. And... I don't want to miss their call."
Jacob smiled and allowede the topic of Ashley drop. "When's the last time you saw them?" he asked.
"Last year," Jeremy said arily, but Jacob could hear the underlying tension. "We only get to see each other once a year."
From experience, Jacob knew not to ask why, so instead he asked, "So... who's going to be at the party? I'm really looking forward to it."
"Yeah, so am I. My sisters, of course..."
Dan closed the bathroom door, letting the darkness become complete around him. Leaning against the door, he closed his eyes, trying to relax. Trying to let himself unwind. Trying... but not working.
Keeping his eyes closed, Dan reached over and fumbled for the light switch. Clicking it on, he found the adjusting knob and turned it as low as it would go before going out, then opened his eyes.
He was tired. And not just the bone-numbing, eye-stinging exhaustion that came from having almost no sleep the night before, then running through a twenty-hour day - most of which was spent waiting. No, he was tired in some other, deeper way. A way that scared him.
Peeling off his turtleneck, he grimaced at the smudge of makeup that had come off on the collar. The makeup girl hadn't said a word as she covered the marks on his neck, not even when he asked her not to mention it to anyone. She just did her job and left him to do his.
Now, though, the makeup was faded from sweat and constant rubbing against the fabric of his shirt. Staring at them in the mirror, Dan felt a wave of helplessness overcome him, a helplessness tinged with a mindless, impotent rage.
For a moment his eyes met those of his reflection, and he had to resist the urge to punch the mirror, to shatter it until no piece was big enough to reflect his shame, and his hands were cut to ribbons. Then maybe someone would ask what was wrong, and he'd be forced to talk about it... forced to admit...
-i did it-
Dan startled himself with the level of self-loathing that welled up inside of him at that thought.
-and i liked it-
-NO!-
-i didn't. he did it. he did this to me. he...-
He glanced up to face his own reflection. His eyes had gotten a bit better through the day, but they still seemed... gaunt, haunted, so obviously different that he wondered why no one else saw it. It was as if everyone knew, or suspected, but wasn't saying a thing for some pre-arranged reason.
Dan laughed humorlessly, a sharp, short laugh. Wouldn't that be the joke of the century? Everyone knowing... hell, knowing the ubiquitousness of the cameras, they could very well have a film documentation of it. Yet they do nothing...
Dan's laugh turned into a racking, dry cough that almost ended in gagging. His throat was still very sore, and he had been infinitely relieved that no singing practices had been scheduled for the day. Running the tap, he cupped his hands and drank several handfuls before the coppery taste threatened to make him gag again.
Raising his head, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, but didn't turn off the water. As he let his arms fall to his sides, he looked with mild, detached interest at the undersides of his arms.
His skin had always been pale, a condition he often fretted about in the summer, when he would often burn but never tan. The long, greenish veins showed up prominently against his wrists, and for an instant he remembered a strange conversation he'd had with Jeremy once.
"You can't cut your wrists straight across," Jeremy had said, a certain morbid excitement obvious even as he kept his voice eerily calm. "You have to cut it length-wise, from the wrist to the elbow. When you see it the other way in movies and stuff, it's just wrong..."
'Lengthwise, from the wrist to the elbow...' Dan idly traced a line along the underside of his arm, and thought briefly about the Leatherman Supertool, which included an extremely sharp blade, tucked neatly into his suitcase. After all - what was that song he had to play for piano lessons all those years ago? That theme from the old show, MASH? "Suicide is painless"?
'If you could guarantee it,' Dan thought, 'I would do it in a second.'
Laughing humorlessly again, Dan shook his head and undid his jeans, taking a moment to turn on the shower.
"Jeremy's sister's of course, and Trent always stops by. He might drag the Rev with him..."
"Wait... I know I asked before, but you never answered. Who's The Rev?"
Ben looked up, startled. "Oh... sorry, I keep forgetting no one knows that nickname anymore... Reverend. The Reverend Marilyn Manson."
"'The Reverend'... you're kidding."
"No, actually, I'm not. I don't know if he's REALLY been ordained, but that's what we call..."
"No, no..." Nick waved him quiet. "I mean... you have MARILYN MANSON coming to your Christmas party?"
"Well... it's not a REAL Christmas party..." Ben smiled slightly. "And anyway, the rest of Jeremy's band will be there, as well as a few assorted friends. But really, it's just a chance for him to see his sisters again. He only gets to see them once a year, you know."
Nick leaned back in the chair, watching Ben folding clothes, trying to decide which topic to pick up first. He'd had lunch with Ben, who called out of the blue early in the morning, then came back to help him pack up the hotel room he and Jeremy had been keeping in the city "just in case." In reality, all he was doing was chatting about meaningless things while watching as Ben carefully packed their clothes from a hotel suite that looked like it hadn't been used at all.
"So, tell me... why does he only get to see his sisters once a year?"
"Because his father doesn't let them see him," Ben said calmly. "They only get out between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so they sneak over, we all celebrate the general winter holiday season, then part ways for another year."
"Why won't his father..."
"His parents disowned him. For reasons I'm sure you can guess." Ben looked at Nick. "Really, I don't want to get into this without Jeremy, because he's actually rather tight-lipped about this kind of thing. Just... accept that it's a big deal for him to see his sisters, and that it's going to be one hell of a party."
Nick shifted uncomfortably. "But I don't want to intrude on an important family gathering..."
Ben laughed. "You won't," he said. "In fact, you'll help be a buffer zone between the rather conflicting guests. Besides, Jeremy will be flattered you came."
"Really?"
"Sure. He really does like you."
Nick listened carefully for any hint of jealousy in Ben's voice, but could hear none. "Did you invite anyone else from the set?"
"Will, but he couldn't make it. And anyway, there will be other friends there, people you might know."
"Oh?" Nick tried to keep his voice casual. "Like who?"
Just as casually, Ben answered, "The guys from O-Town... you met them, right? Well, they'll be there."
"Which ones?"
"All of them." Ben snorted. "As IF Jeremy would play favorites."
Nick couldn't decide if Ben was being sarcastic or not, so he smiled politely. "So... Ashley will be there?"
"And Trevor, and Erik... really, what part of 'all of them' didn't you get?" Ben looked at him, grinning. "Of course, I heard about you and Ash..."
Nick shook his head. "Nah... he and I talked. I think he's kinda mad at me."
"Why?"
"Well..." Nick shrugged. "He thinks I led him on."
Ben paused, sitting down on the side of the bed. "Led him on how? Did he think he'd get into a relationship or something with you?"
"No, no, nothing like that," Nick said quickly. "Just... I think he thought something might, you know, happen between us... and it didn't."
"Why not?"
"Just... I dunno. I guess I don't like the thought of messing up what he and Jacob have."
"Yeah, okay." Ben said as he stood up, clear disbelief in his voice.
"Really. I don't like messing with established relationships."
"Hmmm..." Ben looked at Nick slyly. "What about opened relationships?"
"What about them?"
"I mean... if you met a couple guys who wanted you to join in?"
"What, you mean Jacob and Ashley?"
Ben laughed quietly. "No... I meant Jeremy and me."
Nick stared at Ben for a moment, then smiled. "So... what's Marilyn Manson really like?"
"Ah, changing the subject. Gotcha... um... well, the Rev?" Ben thought for a moment as he closed the suitcase. "He's... quiet. Real bad dresser. And - oh, in case it comes up, he and Trent just worked things out, so if you feel tension, don't think..."
"What about Jacob?"
Ben looked up, surprised. "Um... what?"
"Jacob. Jeremy said Ashley was definitely not gay, but Jacob... he's kinda cute."
"Yeah, well... he is. Cute, I mean. And... I'm really not supposed to be talking about this..." Ben trailed off, staring at Nick. "What is this, anyway?"
Nick just grinned. "Just preparing myself for the party."
"Preparing yourself my ass. Why do you want to know if Jacob is..."
"Top or bottom?"
Ben sighed and pulled the suitcase onto the floor. "What?"
"You. Top or bottom?"
Ben straightened and turned to find Nick had moved closer to him. His grin became suggestive. "Well, you know Jeremy... what do you think?"
"I don't know. But I can't imagine Jeremy being submissive."
Ben chuckled slightly as he came to stand in front of where Nick was sitting. "I think you'd be surprised, then."
Nick reached out and ran his hand along the inside of Ben's thigh, pulling him closer. "I like surprises," he said.
Dan found him sitting alone in a park, staring at the barely visible sunset. No stars were visible against the bright city lights, and a faintly pinkish glow created a feeling of tension against the atmosphere. Dan didn't like looking at it for too long, being used to the clear Ohio nights, and shivered in spite of the heat.
"Hey." Settling down on the grass, Dan smiled slightly.
"Hey, yourself." Jacob didn't even look up.
Dan let the silence go for a bit, then reached for Jacob's water bottle. "May I?"
Jacob didn't say anything, but watched as Dan raised it to his lips and took a swallow.
Dan's throat suddenly felt like it was on fire, and he spit most of the warm liquid out, coughing violently. Jacob's expression didn't change at all, and he watched with almost offensive detachment as Dan slowly recovered.
"Don't waste it," Jacob said.
"Wha... what the FUCK is that?" Dan asked, staring at the plastic bottle in his hands.
"Peppermint schnapps," Jacob said, his voice a virtual monotone.
"Peh..." Dan stared at Jacob. "Peppermint FUCKING schapps?"
Jacob's mouth curved into a very small smile. "Yeah," he said.
Dan laughed in spite of himself, a raw, fragile sound. Taking another swallow, he grimaced at the cloying sweetness as he handed it back. "Could have warned me."
Jacob shrugged and turned back to the sky.
Dan shook his head slightly, wondering at his ability to laugh. And now that he knew, he noticed Jacob's motions were slow and clumsy. He breifly wondered how long Jacob had been drinking.
As the silence stretched out longer, Dan felt the alcohol slowly warm him from the inside, and for a moment he felt a strange comeraderie with Jacob.
"So... how's it going?"
Jacob shrugged again.
"That good, huh?"
No answer.
Dan hesitated, uncertain of how to start this. "Um... Jacob... is it alright if I talk to you about something?"
Jacob took a sip from his water bottle. After a long pause, he said, "Sure."
Dan took a deep breath. "It's about... something personal. And... well, I understand if you don't want to talk about it, because... you're really... and I..."
Jacob turned. "What's wrong?" he asked softly.
Dan felt himself pushed to the verge of tears already in spite of himself. Taking a shakey breath, he resisted the urge to slap himself. "I... please don't ask me why I'm asking, and please don't be mad, but..."
Jacob handed Dan his bottle, which Dan took gratefully. Taking two large swallows, Dan handed it back, trying to calm down.
"It's okay, Dan," Jacob said, his voice now barely above a whisper. "What's going on?"
Dan looked up, then looked away quickly. "I'm just... having some trouble dealing with some things."
"Hmm." Jacob took a sip of schnapps. "I think we all are."
Dan felt a surging irritation at Jacob's indifference. Jacob was acting as if his problems were greater than anyone else's, and he didn't have the time to listen to anyone else's.
Taking a deep breath, Dan asked, "Ashley?"
Jacob nodded. "Yeah, he's... I'm starting to think things really won't work out between us."
"Oh?" Dan looked sideways over to Jacob. "Why... uh... why do you think that?"
Jacob sighed. "I won't... DISGUST you with the details."
Dan almost laughed. "I, uh... don't worry about it."
Jacob didn't seem to have heard him. "He just knows exactly which buttons to press. We've been together for so long, we know what gets to each other..."
"We all know that. We've all been together for a while."
"Yeah, well... he knows... other stuff, too." Jacob tucked his dreads behind his ear. Just that simple action tilted him slightly off balance, and he had to put his hand back agains the ground to steady himself. "He knows what to say, how to get me into... how to get me to... dammit, Dan, I told him I loved him."
Dan looked at Jacob sharply, and had to look away in embarassment. Jacob looked like he was ready to cry himself, and Dan didn't feel like comforting him. It just felt like too much effort, and he had his own problems to think about.
"Bummer. He didn't take it well, I guess."
"He laughed at me."
Dan distinctly heard Jacob's voice tremble. He grunted, not wanting to encourage Jacob's continuing thoughts. He was trying desperately to think of way to leave without seeming harsh and insensitive when Jacob stood up.
"Sorry, Dan, I... I've got to..." Trailing off, he stumbled up and started walking away.
Without thinking Dan stood up. "Jake... where're you going? Jake?" Jacob didn't turn, so Dan stood up and ran after him. "Jake... c'mon..." Reaching Jacob, he grabbed his arm. "Jacob, c'mon, I..."
"Get away from me!" Jacob tried to pull away from him, but Dan wouldn't let him. Grabbing him by the shoulders, he turned Jacob around, knocking Jacob off balance and almost causing them both to fall. In spite of it all, Jacob kept trying to bury his face in his hands, not looking up.
"Jacob, dammit!" Dan felt his frustration well up and overcome him, and he shook Jacob by his shoulders hard enough to hear his teeth click together.
Jacob blinked, tears still streaking down his cheeks, but his face was slack as he looked up at Dan, clearly dazed.
"Dan..."
Dan suddenly felt ashamed. Letting Jacob go, he stammered, "Um... I just..." Just the sight of Jacob staring at him, shock and pain on his face... Dan almost turned away himself, ready to run, but he was held back, his breath was shoved from his chest as Jacob threw his arms around Dan and squeezed hard. Confused, Dan stood unstable for several seconds, certain Jacob was attacking him before he realized Jacob was jugging him. Clumsily, he reached his arms around Jacob and hugged him back.
"Hey... Jake..."
Jacob started to shake as he cried against Dan's chest.
"Jake... Jacob..." Uncomfortable, Dan reached down and carefully pried Jacob off of him. Taking Jacob's chin in his hand, he lifted his face up. "Jake..."
Jacob smiled slightly through his tears. "I'm... I'm sorry, you must think..."
"I don't." Dan surprised himself by smiling. Jacob's tear- streaked face triggered something inside, and his earlier irritation was washed away. Reaching into his pocket, he fumbled until he found his bandana and used it to wipe Jacob's face. Jacob reached up for it, and turned away as he started crying even harder.
"Oh, God, I'm sorry..."
"Jacob... you don't need to be sorry."
"But..."
Dan reached around Jacob's neck and turned him back around. "Jacob..."
Jacob looked up and stared, his eyes wet and turning slightly red. Dan touched his forehead against Jacob's and smiled at him. Jacob managed a very small smile back.
"Dan..." Jacob tilted his face slightly, his breath warm and gentle as a butterfly's touch on Dan's cheek.
Dan was surprised at how soft Jacob's lips were when they pressed against his.
"FOR THIS WEEKEND..." Mike paced slowly across the room, staring intently at the far wall. "For this weekend," he repeated, "due to the cajoling, whining, and generally PERSISTENT demands of Jeremy, as well as several favors owed to him, the cameras will not be present. This is NOT..." Mike paused and turned to look each of them in the eye. "I repeat, NOT, an excuse for you to do whatever you want. Jeremy HAS agreed to allow Cleve to come along, but this still leaves much of the responsibility up to you. You cannot have any scars, bruises, or issues that need explaination when the cameras turn back on when you return. You will be polite, give no reason for the police to be called, and rest assured I will be checking in with Jeremy every day..."
"Mike?"
Mike didn't even pause, apparently not having noticed someone else was trying to talk.
"...cannot stress enough, you are expected to be on your best behavior..."
"MIKE!"
Mike paused, looking surprised, as if he'd forgotten anyone else was there. "What?"
Erik looked back at him sullenly. "You don't need to treat us like little kids, you know."
Mike blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Why are you treating us like this?" Erik asked loudly. "We're not little children. We can behave, you know."
"Your pattern of behavior has shown otherwise." Mike looked across the room. "The editors and directors have enough on their hands trying to keep the show on track without any more stress. We already have a huge gap between what will probably be shown for the second season of the show." Erik couldn't be sure, but he thought he saw Mike look pointedly at Jacob. "This is a business, people, whether you like it or not, and..."
"And still, we're not children." Erik didn't know why he was getting all upset about this, but for a moment he missed Marc and Jay horribly. At that moment, he could not remember them talking down to them quite so much, and not for the first time he wondered where they went...
"No... no, you're not children," Mike said softly.
Erik felt a brief moment of triumph, the other guys staring at him slightly.
"But you ARE valuable assets. An investment, if you will, that a lot of people have put a lot of money into. Whether you like it or not, these people are highly interested in protecting their investment, and yes, this will occasionally involve you being treated as something other than ordinary young men. Because you're NOT ordinary young men."
"No shit," Erik muttered. He heard Trevor snicker softly.
Mike glared at them for a moment, then in a low, angry voice said, "If I were you, I would be grateful. If it had been up to some of us, you wouldn't be leaving on this little vacation. You would still be working, and under our constant supervision. If I were you, I would put up with a little shit from me, because it could be a LOT worse."
Erik tried to roll his eyes, but it didn't work, so he just tuned out as Mike continued to talk.
Trevor tried to get his attention, but Erik wouldn't look up. Part of him was frustrated and resentful of Mike and the - admittedly - truth behind his words. But a larger part of him, an irrational part of him, was furious that the other guys were quiet, not arguing with him, not lifting a finger to support him. Things had changed... it was as if they were all dead, lifeless husks, just... no, dogs. Erik smiled slightly to himself. The proverbial dogs that were beaten, but didn't react.
Looking past Trevor, he watched Ashley play with his cell phone, wrapping a loose thread from his sweater around the antennae. Ashley hadn't said a word pretty much all day. And Dan and Jacob... they were sitting in the back of the room, drinking gallons of water from their water bottles, smiling at some joke only they seemed to share.
Erik turned back to Mike, who didn't seem to notice they weren't paying him any attention at all, droning on about how things could be worse.
"You... you want to come in for a sec?"
Dan stared at Jacob, standing in front of his door, key card poised over the lock. Though he hesitated, his mind still fuzzy with alcohol, he licked his lips, excited in spite of himself. "You sure?"
"Yeah." Jacob smiled slightly. "I'm sure."
Dan followed Jacob into his room. Unsurprisingly, it was a complete mess, clothes thrown everywhere and the beds unmade. Jacob stood nervously in the corner, not meeting Dan's eye.
"So, looks like you've got a bit of packing to do," Dan said, glancing around.
"Yeah, well, most of this stuff is Ash's..." Jacob shrugged.
Dan smiled back. "Yeah, well..." An uncomfortable silence stretched out until he forced a laugh. "So... Mike was a bit... harsh today, wasn't he?"
"A bit." Jacob stumbled slightly. "Whoa..." Grinning, he sat down on the side of one of the beds. "Sitting down..."
Dan smiled back. "Had a few too many?"
Jacob started to giggle, but coughed to cover it. "Um... so did you."
"Yeah, but I can handle it better than you."
"Bullshit, I'm older than you."
"Yeah, but you're, what, thirty pounds lighter?"
Jacob's smile faded. "Yeah, well..."
Another long silence stretched out. Dan glanced at his watch, then back at the hotel room door. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Um... Jacob?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you, uh... I mean... would you mind it terribly..." Dan closed his eyes. "Would you mind if I spent the night here? Me and Ashley... he's..."
"Don't worry about it."
Dan opened his eyes, still unsure if he should sigh with relief. "So you don't mind?"
Jacob looked away, but he was smiling. "I'd actually like that."
Dan smiled back. "Cool." Licking his lips, he came hesitantly around and sat down next to Jacob.
Jacob still didn't turn around, but Dan could tell he was waiting, paying attention to every move he was making.
"Jacob..." Lifting his hand, he touched Jacob's shoulder. He felt Jacob flinch slightly.
"Dan, I..."
"I'm sorry, I thought you..."
"No, I do..."
It happened faster than Dan thought it would, and it ended up to be a lot easier.
_____________________________________ To answer your question before you ask it - NO, I don't know where I'm going with this. I have no idea what's about to happen. I was as surprised as you are. -- Kai Wailbone wailbone@excite.com _____________________________________ Coming soon... Second Toughest in the Infants Chapter 12 - Resonator (part 3.1)