Secret Emotion

By Erin Chalmers

Published on Feb 23, 2001

Gay

Here's Chapter 4. Like I said I'm sending these in pretty fast right now. It won't always be like this. So there isn't much to say. Just read and enjoy!! Well, at least I hope you'll enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I DON'T KNOW/OWN N SYNC!!!THIS ISN'T REAL!!!

Chapter 4

When they got to the hotel, everyone went to their own rooms. Joey and Chris both fell onto their beds and were fast asleep in a matter of minutes. Justin on the other hand, was bouncing off the walls. The little nap he had on the way back was enough for him, and he liked to think that was because of who he was using as a pillow. When he got into his hotel room he quickly hopped into the shower, as did JC and Lance. Sara decided to catch up on her sleep before meeting the guys in an hour.

Justin wanted to get to JC's room a little before everyone else. Once he got out of the shower he got dressed as fast as possible. He started rooting around in the drawers for something to wear. He pulled out a pair of dark blue jeans and a white sweater. Then he tried to fix his hair as fast as possible. He looked at himself in the mirror and decided that something didn't look right. He pulled off the shirt and started digging around again. He came out with a plain black T-shirt that he didn't recognize as his own. Then he realized it was JC's. He pulled it over his head and went back to the mirror. It was a bit snug, but it looked good. And it smelled like JC, which was definitely a bonus.

After slipping on a pair of sneakers, Justin grabbed his wallet and room key and went across the hall to JC's room. He knocked on the door and nobody answered.

"JC?" he yelled.

"Yeah, hang on, I'll be a second," JC said.

Justin waited for a bit and then JC opened the door. Justin's eyes widened in shock. JC was dripping wet and was wearing nothing but a towel draped around his waist.

"Justin I think you're a bit early. We were supposed to meet in an hour, not fifteen minutes. And since when do you get ready this quickly?" JC asked.

Justin couldn't speak. He knew he was probably drooling, but he couldn't take his eyes off JC's half naked body.

"Justin?" JC said, "are you alright?"

He was aware of the way Justin's eyes were roaming his body. And it was definitely turning him on.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Justin said, looking up into JC's eyes.

"So why are you here so early?" JC asked, stepping aside so Justin could enter the room.

"I guess I was just bored," Justin replied.

"Is that my shirt?" JC asked suddenly.

"Yeah, do you mind? I found it in my room," Justin said.

"No, it looks good on you," JC said.

Justin turned away and blushed a little.

"You can just watch TV while I get dressed," JC said.

Justin suddenly froze. Was JC going to get dressed in front of him? He'd seen JC naked before, but back then it hadn't been a big deal. They'd never changed in front of eachother since Justin started having feelings for him.

But JC grabbed some clothes from a drawer and went back into the bathroom. Justin turned on the TV and started flipping channels.

"Justin?" JC asked from the bathroom awhile later, "Can you bring me a different shirt? This one's dirty."

Justin got up and started rummaging around in JC's drawers. He pulled out a navy blue button up shirt and went into the bathroom. JC was standing at the sink in a pair of black boxer briefs, shaving his face. It wasn't as much of a shock to Justin this time, but he still couldn't help letting his eyes wander for a bit.

"Is this okay?" he asked, holding up the shirt.

JC finished shaving his face and turned around. Without thinking about it, Justin let his eyes go straight down. When he looked back up, JC made eye contact with him and Justin blushed.

"Yeah, that's fine," JC said, "Thanks."

Justin went back out and fell face first onto a bed.

"You're so stupid!" he told himself.

Justin rolled over and picked up the remote. He started flipping channels again, but there was nothing on, so he turned the TV off. He layed back and started daydreaming about JC.

Justin couldn't remember exactly when he fell in love with JC. During the Mickey Mouse Club years, Justin had looked up to JC. He remembered following him around and trying to dress like him. Then N Sync started and the two of them became closer. JC was the only person Justin could fully trust. When JC came out to the group, it hadn't fazed Justin. He knew that it didn't change the person JC had always been. The other guys had a bit of a harder time accepting it, and Justin was there for JC the whole time. Justin's love for JC just grew and grew the more time he spent with him. And gradually, Justin started having fantasies about JC.

It started out as a few harmless dreams. Justin dreamt that he was in bed with JC and they were making out. He told himself that it was stupid and dreams didn't mean anything. But he couldn't deny the fact that he was starting to look at JC in a different way. The dreams he was having weren't grossing Justin out the way he thought they should.

The feelings became more and more persistent, until one day, not that long ago, Justin knew he loved JC more than anyone else in the world. He knew that JC was the only person he had ever wanted to be with.

"Justin?" JC asked softly from the open door of the bathroom.

Justin made no move to get up.

"Yeah?" he asked.

JC walked over to the bed and layed down next to Justin. Justin inhaled deeply. JC smelled clean and fresh and all he wanted was to turn his face and kiss him.

"What do you want to do today?" JC asked.

What do I want to do today? Justin thought, Wouldn't you be surprised if I told you.

"I don't know," he said out loud.

JC shifted his body so that he was closer to Justin. Justin could feel JC's breath on his skin. Every inch of his body was tingling with desire.

JC was feeling pretty much the same way. It was taking him every ounce of self control that he had not to pounce on Justin and have his way with him.

"JC?" Justin asked.

"Yeah," JC said, his voice barely audible.

"Are you nervous about the tour?"

"I guess a little," JC replied, "Are you?"

"Yeah. But I'm excited, too," Justin said.

Just then the phone rang. JC didn't move.

"Are you gonna get that?" Justin asked him.

JC just sighed and reached over Justin to get the phone. He pulled the receiver back over and giggled a bit when the cord got caught in Justin's mop of curls.

"Hello?" JC said.

Then there was a long period of silence and JC sat straight up on the bed. Justin could tell something was going on, and he sat up, too, studying JC's face.

"Um, yeah," JC said, "When?"

Then there was another pause.

"Okay. I guess that would be fine."

Justin desperately wanted to know who was on the other line.

"Yeah, I'll see you then," JC said.

JC lowered the phone from his ear and stared into space for a bit. Then he hung the phone up, avoiding Justin's glare.

"Who was that?" Justin asked.

JC bowed his head and then looked Justin in the eyes.

"That was Luke," JC said softly.

Justin suddenly felt nauseous. He tightened his fists and clenched his teeth.

"Luke as in your ex-boyfriend?" Justin asked.

"Yeah, the one and only," JC replied.

Luke had been JC's one serious boyfriend. At the time JC felt like Luke was the only one for him. But things had ended badly when JC came home one night to find Luke in bed with another guy. That had pretty much broken his heart. It had taken Justin months to get JC acting like his normal self again. Which was half of the reason Justin was so mad. He didn't want JC to get hurt again and he pretty much hated Luke for what he had done to JC. The other half of his anger was pure jealousy.

"What did he want?" Justin asked.

"He wants to have dinner with me, tonight," JC told him.

"And you said yes?" Justin asked, his anger evident in his tone of voice.

JC looked down. He knew Justin would be mad. He didn't even really want to see Luke. But they had unfinished business. And on the phone Luke had said he had something important to discuss with JC. Maybe he had changed. JC knew that he had to get his mind off Justin somehow.

"JC, are you crazy?" Justin asked, "Why would you want to see him?"

"We have a lot of things to talk about," JC said, "We left things unfinished."

Justin tried to take a few deep breaths.

"Justin, it's no big deal," JC said.

"What do you mean it's no big deal?" Justin asked, "JC, I don't want you to get hurt again. Do you not remember anything that happened?"

JC looked ashamed.

"Yeah, Justin, I do remember," JC replied.

"Then what are you doing?"

"I need to do this right now. I can't even explain why. But I have to," JC said.

Justin looked down and was silent. He didn't know what to do. Everything at that moment just felt bad. Under no circumstances did he want JC to see Luke. He got up off the bed and started to walk toward the door.

"Justin..." JC said, with an alarmed tone in his voice, "Just stop. I don't know what you're so upset about."

Suddenly Justin turned on his way to the door.

"Josh, do you know how sick it makes me feel to know that you were just on the phone with him? I actually feel physically ill right now. And that's nothing compared to how I'm gonna feel when you're out with him tonight. He dragged you through the dirt! How can you even think about sitting in the same restaurant as him, let alone the same table?"

JC was unable to speak. He didn't know Justin was this protective.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

JC and Justin turned to look at the door. They had both completely forgotten that Sara and Lance were meeting them. Justin opened the door to let them in.

"Uh, hey guys. Are we interrupting anything?" Sara asked.

"As a matter of fact, yes," Justin said, the anger audible in his voice, "JC here just accepted a date with Luke Johnson.

"What?!!??" Lance and Sara exclaimed at the same time.

"Jesus Christ, Justin, you could have let me explain first!" JC said.

"How can there be an explanation for this?" Sara asked.

"Unless the explanation is that you're crazy!" Lance added.

"I'm not crazy!" JC yelled.

"Well it sure seems like it," Justin said.

"All I want is to meet with him and tie up loose ends. It's not like I'm gonna go off and marry him," JC replied.

"Is that all you want, JC?" Sara asked, "You aren't expecting anything else?"

"No, I'm not. Things ended badly. I want a chance to ask him why he did what he did."

"So if he begs for your forgiveness and asks for a second chance, you're gonna say no?" Lance questioned.

JC looked down and didn't say anything.

"JC!" Sara yelled, "You really are crazy aren't you?"

"Look you guys, everyone deserves a second chance," JC said.

Justin threw his hands up in desperation and sat down on the bed.

"No, JC," he said, "some people really don't deserve a second chance. And Luke is one of those people."

Sara grabbed JC by the arm and started pulling him.

"I need to talk to you alone," she said.

Sara pulled JC into the bathroom and shut the door.

"Why do you want to do this? For real?" she asked.

"I don't know. But I need to see him at least one more time," JC replied.

"Is this about Justin?"

"Maybe a bit," JC said, "but not completely. I really do want to see him again. And I can't pine away after Justin for the rest of my life."

"Well that's no reason to get into a bad relationship with someone who's gonna hurt you!" Sara told him.

JC sat down on the sink counter and looked up into Sara's eyes.

"I know. I do know that. Look, I promise you I won't do anything stupid. At least not tonight anyway. If things go well tonight and he wants to see me again, we'll go from there. Okay?" JC said.

"Okay," Sara said smiling, "but you give someone a call if anything bad happens. And don't let him push you around. You're a lot stronger now and you have to show him that. Show him that you didn't need him as much as he thinks and that your life went on without him."

"I will," JC said as he hopped off the counter and gave Sara a hug.

Sara turned and started to open the door.

"Wait!" JC said, "What about Justin? Is he going to understand? I don't get why he's this mad."

"Justin cares about you, JC," Sara said, "and you've always protected him. He's just trying to do the same back. We saw what Luke did to you and we don't want to see it happen again. Justin still has a lot of anger remaining because he was the one who really knew how badly Luke got to you. Justin was the one you confided in. He'll get over it, though."

"I hope so," JC said.

The two of them went back into the room where Lance was trying to calm Justin down.

"I just can't believe this," Justin was saying, "how can he be so blind?"

Lance looked up at Sara and JC and Justin quickly spun around to face them.

"Did you talk some sense into him?" Justin asked Sara.

"It'll be okay, Justin..." Sara began.

"You're gonna let him go?" Justin asked incredulously.

"I'm a grown man, Justin and Sara isn't my mother. I can do what I want," JC said softly.

"Well Sara may not be your mother, but I'm sure we can arrange for a phone call with the lovely Mrs. Chasez! I doubt she'll be too happy with this!" Justin said.

"Justin!" Sara yelled, "You're out of your mind! JC is an adult! Let him choose what's right for him!"

JC sighed and sat down on the bed. This whole thing was becoming too much for him.

"Justin, I don't want you to be mad at me," he said.

Justin looked at JC and immediately felt guilty. He moved over and sat beside him.

"Josh I'm not mad at you. I'm still mad at Luke, though. And I'm mad at the situation," Justin said, "Just promise me you won't get hurt.

JC smiled.

"I promise I won't get hurt," JC said, "Now can we please forget about this and go do something?"

"Yeah," Justin said.

"Do you guys wanna see a movie?" Lance asked.

Everyone agreed and Lance called security. They had a somewhat pleasant afternoon. They all managed to joke around and Justin was able to forget about JC's date for awhile. But on the way back to the hotel, the sick feeling in his stomach started to return and he could tell JC was getting nervous.

When they got up to their hotel rooms, Sara and Lance said goodbye.

"So we'll talk to you about dinner later, okay Justin?" Lance asked.

"Yeah, whatever," Justin said.

"Have a good time tonight, JC," Sara said as she kissed him on the cheek.

JC and Justin proceeded down the hall toward their own rooms.

"Okay, well, I guess I won't see you until tomorrow morning," Justin said.

JC could sense the strain in Justin's voice.

"I'll be fine, Just," he said.

"I know," Justin said.

Then he turned and walked into his room. He couldn't stand to look at JC anymore. It was almost as if he were too beautiful.


"What the hell am I doing?" JC said to himself, exasperated.

He was standing in front of the full length mirror in his room, wearing his fifth outfit of the night. His stomach was tied up in knots and everything he put on looked wrong somehow.

"I need a second opinion," he said.

Normally JC would go to Justin when he wanted to know if he looked good or not. But this time he wasn't so sure if that was a good idea. Still, Justin always knew how to calm him down and that was something he really needed right now.

JC made up his mind and began picking out a final outfit. He would do his best and get completely ready, and then go over to Justin's room for his opinion.


Justin was pacing around in front of his hotel room door. He had tried to have a nap so that he was sleeping when Luke came to get JC, but he was unable to fall asleep. Now he was trying his best to think of other things, while periodically checking the peep hole in his door to see if Luke was at JC's.

Justin heard a noise in the hall and jumped toward the door. He saw JC's back as he stepped out into the hall and closed his own door. Justin ran back to sit on his bed, as though he had been caught.

"Calm down, Justin, he can't see you," he told himself.

Then he heard someone knocking on his door. He realized it was probably JC and was a bit curious. He got up and opened the door. His eyes widened when he saw JC.

He was dressed in black from head to toe. And he looked good. He had on a black turtleneck sweater and black leather pants that Justin wanted to run his hands over. The look was completed with a simple pair of black lace up shoes. On top of all that, he smelled incredible.

"Can I come in?" JC asked.

"Uh, yeah," Justin replied as he stepped out of the way. He closed the door behind JC and took a deep breath. He didn't know if he had the strength to stop himself from jumping on JC and kissing him to death.

Justin turned around to face a very apprehensive looking JC.

"So, do I look okay?" JC asked.

"Um, you...you look good. Really good," Justin said, his toungue tripping over his words.

JC let out an audible sigh.

"Okay. Good. Thank-you. I'm just nervous and worried and stuff," JC said.

Justin's heart dropped into his stomach. For the first time since JC had entered his room, he realized that he was dressed like this for Luke. And that thought didn't sit too well with Justin's stomach. Every muscle in his body was tense with jealousy.

"It'll be fine," Justin forced himself to say through clenched teeth.

"I know it will. But it's gonna bring up some difficult memories," JC said.

"Then why are you doing this, Josh?" Justin asked softly.

"I don't wanna explain this again, Justin," JC said.

"I know, I'm sorry. I won't say anything else."

"I should get back to my room," JC said.

"Okay. Have fun," Justin said sarcastically. He knew he was being mean, but he couldn't help it.

"Yeah, I will," JC said, ignoring Justin's snotty tone.

Justin watched as JC went to the door and began to open it.

"Josh wait," Justin said.

JC paused at the door and slowly turned around.

"Just wait," Justin repeated.

"Why?"

"I-I don't want you to think I'm mad. You don't, do you?" Justin stammered.

JC quickly stepped closer to Justin and enveloped him in a warm hug. Justin was initially surprised and he tensed up. But then he let himself relax against JC's shoulder.

"I know you aren't mad, Justin. You already told me," JC said soothingly.

Justin pulled back from JC's hug.

"I know, I just wanted to make sure," he said.

"Okay. I'm gonna go now," JC replied, "and try not to worry about me."

"I can't make any promises," Justin said.

Next: Chapter 5


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