This is a work of total fiction. The characters portrayed here come only from my mind (and whatever lies beyond). This work contains (or will) sexually explicit passages between minors of same and differing sex. If that isn't for you, if this material is considered illegal in your place of residence, or if you are under that arbitrary age people seem to think is when we are ready to be exposed to sexuality, you are to turn back now or delete this file if you've managed to get it on your hard drive (and in the future you really ought to be more careful what you download!).
That was the standard disclaimer. The rest of this is anything but. The sex (at least the erotic kind) will come later than these first two parts. If you're looking for a quick fix, look elsewhere and come back when you're not so... focused. ;) This story is about love, friendship, acceptance, and the struggle for identity. It deals with extremely difficult topics, such as suicide and rape. I can only hope that it is at least fractionally as hard/emotional for you to read as it was for me to write, because that means I have succeeded as a writer. You have been warned.
- To all of those who fought the battle and won, and for those of us who won't make it.
Part 3 - Ascension
Jenny and I ate lunch by ourselves that afternoon. We hadn't had a chance to talk since seeing each other in the hospital, and she wanted to know what was going on with Josh and how he was doing. I told her the general story of what had happened while we ate, and then we found a quiet corner that I could give her details in without being overheard. News of my little episode with Tommy had spread quickly. I had already noticed an increased amount of stares and conversations that suddenly dropped off when I appeared. I guess it was to be expected; after all I had challenged the norm. Indiana is not exactly known for its liberal views.
"So he is gay," Jenny said once we were alone. After this morning I could hardly deny it, even if Josh had told me not to tell anyone. Good thing he didn't, since there's no way Jenny would have let it ride.
"He seems pretty sure about it," I replied. "You're okay with that, aren't you?"
"I don't care if he is or not. Well, I do, but not because gay is an issue."
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I know you were really interested in him."
"And you had to go and steal him from me," she joked. I didn't laugh. "Oh, sorry. He really does have a crush on you, doesn't he?"
"Yeah. And I have no idea what to do."
"Well, do you like him?" Sometimes it just really amazes me the way certain things that make everyone else blush or cringe don't even faze Jenny. "Obviously you don't have a problem that he's gay if what I heard about this morning was right. Which I think was really sweet of you by the way." Jenny grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. I smiled a little.
"Maybe, but I just don't think being gay is reason enough to treat someone like that. No more than being a different skin color or something. I get so sick and tired of people judging everyone else, like they have any right to. And in this case there is a little more to it than that."
"Meaning he... jumped for more than just being gay and what Tommy said?"
"Oh, Tom triggered it alright, but yes there is more to it than that. I can't tell you what it is though. I don't know if Josh would want me to." Jenny looked a little hurt. "I mean I'm sure he wouldn't mind, but I don't feel right telling you without him knowing first."
"I understand. You still haven't answered me as to whether you like Josh or not though." I sighed and thought for a moment about how to answer.
"I'm not sure. I like him, yes. I just don't know if I feel like that about him. Sure, we've talked about that kind of thing before, but not really seriously." Jenny interrupted me.
"We may not have been having a serious conversation like we are right now, but I meant what I said. I'd be willing to do things with another girl, and I actually kind of want to."
"Yeah, but 'doing things' and being in love with are two totally different things."
"You love me don't you? And we've 'done things' together," she said, grinning.
"Yes I love you, but it's not the same between us. You and I know how we love each other. We both know we're not going to get married or whatever. I'm just not sure if Josh thinks of it like that or not, and I don't want to mislead him or something. We already talked about how we just didn't feel like that about each other."
"No, but that didn't stop us from screwing around. And I swear if you refer to it as casual sex I'll slap you so hard they'll hear it in China."
"I don't think of it as casual sex Jenny. I wouldn't do those kinds of things with just anybody. I really care about you, and I'm really glad we have the kind of relationship we do."
"I'll bet you are," she said, smiling. "Lighten up a little here Terry, I know this is serious but I've had enough of being scared and worried this week."
"It's just different with Josh. And not just because he's a guy either. We have an understanding of where our relationship is. Josh and I don't. Hell, we practically just met. But I don't think his crush is just about the way I look. I'm pretty sure he's in love with me, or thinks he is anyway. Especially now."
"Especially now?" Jenny prompted.
"Well, before I was just a guy he thought was hot in class. He actually knows me now, at least a little. We've talked. Hung out a little. And then there's that whole falling in love with your rescuer thing. It could just be that, but I know it isn't just about looks anymore."
"There's something you aren't telling me, isn't there? Out with it Terry."
"Well, I said I wasn't sure if I liked him or not. But I think I might." I hesitated for a moment before mumbling, "I kissed him."
"You WHAT!?" Jenny said, incredulous. "Why didn't you TELL me that? I can't believe you left that out. Ok, from the top, I want to know everything that happened after I left until you went home last night."
So I told her. I told her everything, from how I held Josh while he cried as he told me why he'd jumped (though I left out the actual why part), how he'd brought up the mouth to mouth thing and I'd just kissed him. Of course she wanted to know more than that, and demanded details like exactly how did I do it, and what did I think about kissing another guy. I tried to describe the difference from kissing her, but I don't think I did a very good job of it. I went on to tell her how we'd slept together that night, and how it just felt... good, I guess. Jenny brought up the point that it wasn't always just the victim who fell in love with the rescuer, and I told her I'd already thought of that. I finished with a brief account of telling Josh's parents that it hadn't been an accident. Then the bell rang for our next class and we walked to our lockers while finishing up the conversation.
"You're going over there after practice aren't you? I want to go with you," Jenny said.
"Well, his parents want to meet you a little more personally than they got to in the hospital, and I'm sure he wants to see you too, but could you wait until tomorrow? I think I need to talk to him first," I answered.
"What, something you don't want to say in front of me?"
"No, it's not that. I just need to talk to him about us. I mean him and me. And I don't think he would want to do that in front of someone else, even you. At least not right now."
"Right now? Are you planning something I should know about?" Jenny asked me suspiciously.
"No, I'm not planning anything." It wasn't really a lie, because I didn't have any kind of plan, just the beginning of an idea. "Look, I know you probably know him better than I do. I get the impression you're his closest friend here right now."
"At least until Monday."
"Well, granted, but you know what I mean. Just... I can't explain it, but please just wait until tomorrow?"
"Ok Terry, if it's that important to you I will. Just be sure you tell Josh that I wanted to come today and you wouldn't let me," she said, poking me in the chest. "And that I will be there tomorrow."
"I will, I promise."
Practice was a solitary affair for me that afternoon. It wasn't that everyone was avoiding me, or at least I don't think they were. I was actually so caught up in my own thoughts and planning that I didn't notice. But I was at least focused enough to not screw anything up. Coach was rather light on me as well, which didn't hurt matters any. I was the first one finished, already dressed and leaving by the time the last of the team was coming in to shower. I went by the office to pick up Josh's homework and then headed to his house.
His mom answered the door when I got there. Apparently she had stayed home from work for an extra day, but she told me she'd be going back the next. I asked how Josh was, and she said she thought he was fine. But then she had thought he was fine before too.
"It's not your fault you didn't know. I don't like telling my parents much about my life either. It's a high school thing," I told her. She smiled.
"That may be true, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. He should be up in his room. I think he was going to take a nap, but if he did he ought to get up now anyway."
I headed up the stairs to Josh's room, taking his homework with me. The door was about half way open, and I could see him lying on the bed with his back to me. I lightly knocked on the door, and he immediately turned over; he'd actually been reading, not sleeping.
"Hey Terry. I wondered when you'd get here," he said, sitting up.
"Yeah, well some of us have practice, as opposed to getting to lie around in shorts all day."
"Doctor's orders. Believe me, it's not as fun as it sounds. I'm already bored out of my mind. I don't know if I can take another two days of this. And the weekend."
"Well, then you'll be glad I brought your homework for you, just like I said I would," I replied, holding out a small stack of books.
"Oh gee, thanks. That's just what I wanted," he said sarcastically.
"I knew you would, that's why I hurried over here right after practice." Josh took the books and tossed them down on his desk next to the computer. I sat down on the bed as he rifled through his CDs looking for something to put on. "So, how are you feeling?" I asked.
"Not bad I guess. Head still hurts a little when I first stand up. Actually I feel kind of stupid now. I can't believe I did that."
"You and me both. Jenny said she'd kill me herself if I tried something like that again. She wasn't real thrilled with you either." There was a short silence. Josh was still facing the stereo, his back to me.
"It's all over the school isn't it?" he finally said.
"Well, they know you fell into the quarry and I went in after you. And that you were in the hospital but are home now and fine. Nobody except Jenny knows that you jumped, though I think the thought may have crossed a few people's minds."
"What about me being gay?" he asked, turning around. It was my turn to look away.
"If they don't think they know for sure, either they don't care or they at least suspect. I didn't hear anyone outright say you were, except Tommy of course, but he wasn't being loud at the time, just talking to me. Don't worry about it though."
"How can I not worry about it? I've done this before, remember? I know what it's going to be like when I go back there on Monday. You said it yourself, if they don't know then they suspect."
"That's not what I said. But nothing is going to happen. As long as you can deal with some stares now and then, particularly when you get back, that's all there's going to be."
"What makes you so sure of that? I haven't heard of anybody else that is out around here. Something tells me it's not going to be overlooked."
"Well for one you aren't out. But more importantly, nobody is going to bother you because I had a little talk with Tommy this morning in the hall. I told him that even if you were, it wasn't any business of his, and I turned his little staring obsession around on him. You're not the only one who looks at other guys. And I was... loud enough when I told him to leave you alone about it that a lot of other people heard too."
"You did what? I can't believe this! Now they're going to know for sure..."
"Stop it Josh," I cut him off. He was panicking, already thinking the worst. "I asked you to trust me, and you said you would."
"But..."
"No buts. Either you do or you don't." He just looked at me for a minute.
"Ok, but I hope you're right."
"I am. Like I said, I can't promise you that no one is going to say anything, but it won't be anything like Florida. I did promise you that." I had no idea what I would do if I were wrong. It's not like everyone at school was afraid of me. I guess I just didn't even consider the possibility that things could go that way.
Josh didn't say anything, instead sitting on the bed and laying back to stare up at the ceiling. I heard him take a deep breath and let it out, sort of a sigh but not quite. I sat back as well, and for a few minutes we just lay there a couple of feet apart, listening to Black Lab quietly fill the room. I'm not sure what was going through Josh's mind. He was probably worrying about the kids at school; I was just glad he hadn't gotten too upset with me. Or at least I hoped he hadn't.
"My parents want me to go see a shrink on Friday," Josh finally said.
"And?" I prompted when he didn't say anything else.
"I don't know. I don't want to go. I'm not crazy."
"No one said you were. P-sychiatrists deal with more than just insanity," I said, pronouncing the p separate from the rest of the word.
"What?" Josh asked, looking at me.
"You know, P-sychiatrists... Haven't you ever watched the Warner Bros.?"
"Oh yeah," he said, laughing a little.
"Seriously though Josh, I'm your friend, and you've got your parents. But we're not doctors. They're trained to deal with different kinds of things. I mean look at how long they go to school for it."
"So you think I should go."
"I think you should at least give it a shot. It's not like anyone else has to know about it if that's what you're worried about."
"Sort of. But I just... I can't picture telling some total stranger about things like that." I noticed he didn't mention anything specific.
"Well it wouldn't hurt to try would it? I don't know how they work; maybe you don't just go in and start talking about those kinds of things right off. And they might be able to help you with something I can't. Or your parents either."
"I guess I don't have anything to lose by going. My parents said I didn't have to go back if I didn't want to."
In the end he decided to go but he was still nervous about it. We talked about it a little longer, then ended up playing a few games on his computer.
It was getting dark before I knew it, and I decided it was time to go home. Dinner wouldn't be far off. As if on cue, Josh's mom called up to say that his was almost ready and asked if I would be staying. I declined, because I knew my parents were expecting me. I gathered up my stuff and headed for the door.
"Jenny is going to come by with me tomorrow, if that's okay. Actually, she's probably going to anyway. She told me to tell you that she wanted to come today, but I wouldn't let her. Really I just asked her not to because I thought you might want to talk. But I'm not going to be able to stop her tomorrow."
"That's okay, I want her to come by. So do my parents," he said, smiling.
"See you around the same time then. Later."
"Later."
The next day at school I started feeling the rocking from the waves I'd caused the day before. For one thing Tommy wouldn't even look at me, let alone speak to me. Fine by me. There were others who apparently felt the same way. Tommy I could understand; after all I had basically called him out in front of everyone. The others... Well, some of the people who used to talk casually to me suddenly found themselves with other places to be when I showed up or just not a whole lot to say. Nobody was really rude about it or anything, I guess they just couldn't deal with someone who thought homosexuality wasn't a big deal. Quite frankly, I couldn't understand why they thought it was, but then I'd gotten to know Josh, and if he was gay he sure didn't seem any different to me because of it. I think they just didn't know anyone personally who was gay, and because of that it became a 'them' thing. Fags are fags (all stereotypes accounted for), and none of us are one of them; they're different, freaks.
Most people didn't seem to care though. There was still the hesitancy thing where some weren't sure what to say to me, if anything, but for the most part things went right on as normal. I didn't lose anyone I had considered a friend before. If they had a problem I guess they just didn't talk about it. Actually, come to think of it, nobody said anything about Josh being gay at all. It was all about how he was doing, and how cool it was of me to jump after him like that, and a bunch of other 'you're kind of a hero' stuff (which drives me nuts). Well, no one said anything about him being gay until practice that is.
I was a little on edge all day. My own paranoia about what other people might be thinking or saying behind my back was getting to me. As a result, I wasn't very talkative, and whenever anyone came up to me I was at first suspicious. Then I would realize how stupid I was being and get over it. It's hard to accept that people are going to think whatever they want to think, and there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to decide what you believe in, whether it's important enough to you to stand up for, and then deal with whatever happens. However, practice was a little quiet to me, there were only a few 'hey's' and 'what's up's'. Normally there's at least a little conversation between everyone, but hardly anyone was talking.
Afterwards, when I had showered and was getting dressed, Bo came up behind me with a couple of others.
"Hey Terry," he said. When I looked over my shoulder and saw them standing there, it made me nervous.
"Yeah Bo, what's up?" I answered a little shortly, turning back to my locker. I didn't really know what to expect, though I had an idea (the worst of course).
"Is Josh... Is he really gay?" he asked. Yep, there it was. I froze, towel in hand halfway inside the locker. "Because if he is, that's cool with us," Bo went on in a bit of a rush. "I mean we don't care. And we wouldn't care if you... well, if you were either. I mean you're part of the team. You're our friend and we've known you for a long time." Whoa what a relief. I finished putting my stuff away and stood to face them.
"No, I'm not gay. I'm still very much interested in girls, and you know Jenny can tell you I don't have any problems there." The relationship and history between Jenny and I was common knowledge among our friends. The guys laughed a little. But because of the things and feelings Josh had triggered in me, I couldn't let that ride as the whole truth. "I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about another guy, or even that I don't sometimes now. As for Josh... Well you'd have to ask him. Just think about how you'd react if someone asked you that before you do though." They knew that was a yes, at least in some form. If he hadn't been I would have told them so.
"Tommy turned into a real prick over the summer. I think it's cool the way you took him down yesterday. And we want you to know we've got your back," Bo replied. "And Josh's," he added after a moment. A few of the others nodded in ascent. It was a huge relief to me, even though I wasn't even aware I had been worrying about it before. I hadn't realized I was that much of a friend to these guys; that they would back someone they didn't even know just because he was my friend. Like I said, I wasn't a part of any one group, and I didn't hang out with many people other than Jenny and a couple of others outside of school. I had a feeling that would change though, because I was becoming a little more the social type. Apparently meeting Josh and all that had happened was starting to change me in some ways.
"Thanks guys," I said.
Things headed more and more back to normal after that. When I left practice, Jenny and I went over to Josh's, where this time we were forced to stay for dinner. Before eating though, we all talked for a while and played a short game of Monopoly. Short or not, it still lasted over two hours. Conversation was all over the place, from growing up around there to Josh's surfing to a very synoptic version of why Josh had jumped. Jenny still hadn't known, and I brought it up as we were talking about where Josh used to live in Florida. I quite nervously suggested he tell her, and he managed to get through it relatively easily I thought. It wasn't as detailed as when he told me, but it was still all there and it didn't bring him to tears though he wouldn't look at either of us as he talked. Jenny just said she was sorry and hugged him after he was done, making him promise never to try something like that again.
On Saturday Josh managed to convince his parents he didn't need to rest quite so much, and Jenny, he, and I went to a movie together. It was a lot of fun, and none of us gave Monday any thought. Josh had told me that his visit with the counselor (his word, which I chose to stick with) wasn't as bad as he thought it would be, and he was going to go back a couple of times at least. He asked if I would go in with him to one session at some point. He wouldn't tell me why, but I agreed to anyway. "Just let me know when," I said.
I was nervous on Monday morning. Things were back to normal at school as far as I was concerned, but I didn't know how it was going to go for Josh. Turns out I shouldn't have worried. When I saw him in Chemistry everything was fine. People welcomed him back and asked how he was doing. We talked with a couple of other people in class about the movie, which they had seen too. At lunch, Jenny told me he was back to normal in art as well, though they'd moved on to a different project he didn't particularly like. They'd been talking, and Josh told her that he was getting some stares and there were a few people avoiding him but it wasn't anything he couldn't handle. That's when she told him the full story about Tommy and I in the hallway. I wished she hadn't. Later that evening he thanked me for it, but said he couldn't have me running around protecting him all the time. That was right after he said he was okay but tired, and had just felt on edge all day.
"Well, two things for that. One, I'm not protecting you; I'm just sticking up for something I think is right. Two, you're not exactly out. Stop looking at everyone and asking yourself 'do they know' and worrying about what they think about you. Otherwise you will drive yourself nuts. Besides, I don't have to protect you. You just have to stop doubting yourself or at least act like you don't care or you're willing to fight if they want to start something. You might be gay but that doesn't make you a wimp. Most of the time if you stand up to someone they'll back down. But if you do get into trouble or something, I'm there if you need me, and so are at least a few others."
He wanted to know who, but I wouldn't tell him anything more. It never came to anything like a fight though. There were only two incidents that week I knew of. The first was when I heard someone call me a fag lover as I walked by in the hall. I started to turn around, but as I did I heard a thump and the same voice go "Oww!" A few feet behind me was a kid I didn't immediately recognize rubbing the back of his head, and standing behind and glaring at him was Bo. I smiled and kept going. The other actually involved Josh. During a little bout of name calling, someone of course called him a faggot. I don't know if they aimed it specifically at him or if it was just the insult that happened to come to mind. Without missing a beat, Josh called the guy a pansy and told him to fuck off. It happened in art I guess; Jenny told me about it.
Later Josh told me there were other incidents, but he quickly got used to it and it was nothing like his old school. For one, he said, he took my advice and stopped worrying about it and taking every gay related comment personally. The ones he knew were directed at him, he ignored or stood up to. People still talked to him and he had other friends in his grade. Not one of them asked if any of the rumors were true or flat out if he was gay. Josh was surprised. Personally, I was shocked. Despite having promised him things wouldn't get as bad as they had for him in Florida, I definitely didn't expect them to go that smoothly. But as they say, never look a gift horse in the mouth.
It was the Friday afternoon of that first week Josh was back. We were in his room, lying flat on our backs on the bed, legs over the edge, staring up at the ceiling while music almost (but not quite) blared out his stereo. It had come to be a standard place to find us if we were just talking or trying to think of something to do. In this case it was both; we were thinking what to do for the weekend and discussing how the week had gone. But there was something else on my mind as well. I'd been thinking a lot about Josh (well duh), specifically the crush he had on me. We hadn't talked about it at all since that night in the hospital, but I knew it was still there. And I was still trying to figure out just what I thought, felt, and was going to do about it. I'd made some headway in my own mind, but I was wondering how to proceed with Josh. Then there was this plan I had in mind, and I knew it could really get me in trouble if I screwed things up.
"Josh, can I ask you something?" I finally said.
"What?"
"How do you know you're gay?" I could feel him turn his head to look at me, but I kept staring at the ceiling. Before he answered, he looked back up as well.
"I told you, I'm attracted to guys. That's about as clear of an indication as you can get."
"But you said you thought Jenny was attractive."
"Well, I do. She is. And she's nice and I like her a lot. But she doesn't really... interest me. Like I said, at the quarry I was trying to focus on her but I kept thinking about you."
"Maybe that's the problem though. You were already interested in me. What if I weren't in the picture though, would she interest you then?"
"You're... You're saying you don't like me then..." he said, sounding scared but trying to hide it.
"No, that's not it at all," I said quickly. "I do like you, a lot. Why else would I even be here? I'm just wondering if you really are gay or if you just think you are. I mean, if you think Jenny is attractive then you could be at least bi, right?"
"I... I guess, but I don't really think so. I mean I've thought about it before, but I'm... just not interested in sex with a girl. Maybe to try it once or something, but not really. I don't not like them or anything... I just don't really like them either."
That's when I realized I had blundered into one of my own stereotypes. Just because a guy is gay doesn't mean he can't find girls attractive. I considered myself straight, but I thought some guys were pretty hot looking.
Ok, bad example, because I wasn't too sure about me anymore. I knew I wasn't gay because I was still interested in girls, but suddenly because of Josh I discovered I had to ask myself the same question; maybe I was bi. But that didn't really change what I was planning.
"So you would maybe try something with a girl?" I asked.
"Ok, where are you going with this?" he countered.
At first I didn't answer. I leaned over and pulled a sketchbook out of my backpack, flipping to one particular drawing. It was Jenny's, the one with her portrait of Josh in it. I asked her if I could borrow it but I hadn't told her why, and I guess she didn't have a clue what I was thinking because she didn't even wonder. I handed the book to Josh and looked back up at the ceiling.
"What's this?"
"She really likes you, you know. Or did. Does. Damn, how do I explain it..."
"Jenny drew this?"
"Yes, the day you guys were supposed to sketch some still life I guess in art class. She thought you were... cute, from the moment you first arrived.
And she was trying to let you know it the whole time. I'm surprised she didn't kiss you that day at the quarry. Hell, she might have if Tommy hadn't done what he did."
"Well, I could sort of tell she was interested in me, but I didn't know like that much."
"Which is why she was rather disappointed when she found out you were gay. She still likes you and all, but she doesn't think of you like that anymore, I guess. Or at least she's not getting all down about it if she does."
"Alright, but why tell me? I have a feeling she didn't exactly tell you to, and I don't see what I can do about it. If anything it's going to bug me now because she's a really good friend and I don't want to disappoint her or whatever."
"I'm not sure why. Actually I am, I just don't want to admit it. And no, she has no idea I'm telling you any of this. Part of the reason I offered to be your partner for that chemistry project was so I could get to know you and let you know about her. Push a little maybe, or drop hints. Obviously things went a different direction. But... I know she's still interested in you at some level even if she's trying not to be or won't admit it. And I also know that if you wanted to... see what things were like with a girl... she'd probably be willing. I don't mean like..."
"Terry I know what you mean. Or I think I do. But I wouldn't want to use her or something. Besides, I've kissed girls before, remember? Look, if you've decided you don't like me that way or you're just not gay or whatever, just tell me. I won't like it, but I don't want to sit here and hope for something that's never going to happen."
"No, it's not that. Dammit I am really fucking this up and I didn't want to do that. Look, I'm not gay. I can't help that, I'm still attracted to girls, still interested in them." Josh looked really disappointed, and I went on quickly. "But I really like you a lot. We've been spending a lot of time together and I like that too. And yeah, maybe I'm falling in love with you. Maybe I'm bi, because I keep finding myself more and more attracted to you physically. I'm just... argh." I had totally lost control. I was thinking out loud almost, saying things I hadn't meant to. What had seemed like a good idea, trying to get Josh and Jenny together for at least... something, I'm not sure what. At any rate, the whole thing was falling apart and seemed like such a stupid idea now.
Josh had been silent for a few minutes, thinking I suppose, but he finally spoke. "If you really want me to... try something with Jenny... I will. But I won't lie to her about it, I'm going to tell her why and if she doesn't want to I'm not going to even suggest it twice." Gee, I'd just accomplished what I was trying for. So why did I still feel so miserable?
"I don't want you to do it because I want you to or suggested it. I only want you to do it if you want to. And her too. I don't know why, I can't explain any of this. I don't even know why I thought of it. I guess I just wanted to see both of you happy."
"Well what now then?"
"I don't know. Maybe we could all go to the mall or something tomorrow?" I suggested.
"Sounds fine with me. But like I said, I'm going to tell her what's going on and talk to her about it before anything happens," Josh answered.
"No, I will. I'll call her when I get home and... Well, I'll think of something I guess."
I left shortly after that. After eating dinner it still took me an hour to work up the nerve to call Jenny. Since telling Josh what I had been thinking I just didn't feel right about it anymore. But for some reason I knew I had to do it anyway. At first I just made plans with her to go to the mall, and she was up for that and another friend of hers was going to come. So I knew I had to let her know everything that was going on.
"Um, Jenny, you still sort of like Josh, don't you?" I asked, a little out of the blue.
"Yeah, of course I do," she said, sounding puzzled.
"No, I mean like..."
"Oh," was all she said. I could just imagine the look on her face. "Well yeah," she went on after a second, "I still think he's hot of course, but that doesn't really matter, considering. He's just going to be my hot looking guy friend," she said, laughing.
"Ok, uh, well, would you want to... do some of the things that we've done... with him?"
"What things? Make out with him or something?"
"Or something I guess..."
"You're serious aren't you Terry? Why would he want to..."
"I can't explain it Jenny," I said, interrupting her. "I just need to know if you would. It's my idea, not his. But I'm not trying to set you up or anything."
"Sure sounds like you are."
"Yeah I know, and I've already fucked this conversation up with Josh, so..."
"He knows about this little idea of yours?"
"Yeah. I just told him a little while ago."
"Do you think he's not really gay or something?" I hate when she does that.
"Get out of my head girl," I said in mock exasperation. "Maybe that was part of it and somewhere in my screwed up brain I did, but not really now. Like I said, I can't really explain it."
"Then if you don't think... Never mind. What exactly do you want me to do?"
"I don't want you to do anything. I'm not asking you to have sex with him. I'm just asking if..."
"Ok. Yeah, I wouldn't mind doing some things with him."
"Mind?"
"Fine, yes, I would like to. Or at least I think I would. It wouldn't really be much different than you and me I guess."
"Cool. Glad to know you still think I'm cute," I said, relaxing.
"I didn't say that," Jenny said. It caught me off guard. "Just kidding. You'll always be a cutie to me. And I'd like you even if you weren't. I just didn't want you getting too smug with yourself."
"Oh believe me, I've already wished a hundred times I never even brought this up with either of you. But part of me is glad I did. See you tomorrow morning?"
"Yeah. But when is this supposed to happen?"
"I said I'm not trying to set you two up. Just... whenever. Maybe not at all. It's between you and him now."
"If you had any idea how stupid that sounds," she said, laughing. "Ok, fine. But for scheming so much, you sure don't have much of a plan."
"Yeah, don't I know it."
When we all first got together the next morning, everyone was kind of tense. There were looks exchanged between Jenny and Josh, Josh and me, and Jenny and me. Jenny's friend, who I didn't know very well, appeared not to notice anything. Eventually we all seemed to relax and just have fun, forgetting about the whole thing. We walked around the mall, did a little shopping, and just hung out in general. After we grabbed some lunch around one or so, we had to leave because Jenny's friend was supposed to be home early in the afternoon. After dropping her off, we went back to Josh's. His parents were apparently out, and we had the house to ourselves. We ended up going up to Josh's room to get on the Net. It wasn't long after we started surfing around that I suddenly announced there was something I had to do for my mom.
"Shit, I forgot to pick up the stuff Mom wanted me to get at the store. You guys go ahead and stay here. Give me a call later if she snags me into doing something else and I don't get back," I said, grabbing my jacket. Jenny and Josh just looked at each other for a second as I headed out the door and down the stairs.
"So much for not setting us up," I heard Jenny say as I got halfway downstairs. "REAL SUBTLE TERRY!" she called after me. I laughed as I closed the front door. I really did have to get some things for my mom, it just wasn't that important. I saw an opportunity and I took it.
Alone, I went to the store and took care of the list I had been given, then went back home. My mom was there, and after thanking me she made some comment about how she wished I would clean my room up some time. "Okay," I said, and headed upstairs.
"Well I didn't mean you had to do it now," she called after me, surprised.
So I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my room, which was kind of bad. I tried to keep my mind off of what Jenny and Josh might be doing, but it was rather difficult. For a moment I even found myself a little jealous.
Then I realized how stupid that was considering I'd basically set the whole thing up anyway. After I finished cleaning I lay down and started thinking really hard about what I was going to do about Josh and myself. It was time to stop putting it off. I knew he wouldn't end up with Jenny, even if I wanted to see it that way so they'd both be happy. Thing is only she would, because he liked me. Never mind the whole gay thing.
As for myself, I still wasn't sure what to do. I mean, I liked Josh. A lot. And I hadn't been lying when I told him I found myself more and more attracted to him. The idea of us together had already been planted in my mind. In fact, I'd had more than one dream in the last couple weeks that he was in. And a couple of them were a little moist, if you know what I mean. Obviously I didn't have any problem with two guys together, or with me being one of the guys. And I really did think I might be falling in love with him. So what was holding me back?
In the end I couldn't think of a damn thing. There was no reason what so ever that I shouldn't get together with Josh. Unless I was lying to myself.
Unless I did have a problem with gay and I didn't want to be seen as that.
But I wasn't, I was still attracted to girls. And I knew that too, it wasn't just something I was telling myself or trying to convince myself of. Ok, so that meant I was bi. I could accept that. Jenny and I talked about it before, even if it wasn't seriously. But how could I be bi if I was just with Josh? I mean it's one thing to call yourself bi if you're with a member of the opposite sex and just screw around sometimes with the same sex. But if I were with the same sex mostly, wouldn't that make me gay then? That's what everyone else would see unless I told them otherwise. Now I was just going in circles and confusing the hell out of myself even more.
That's when the phone rang. It was Josh. "Hey," he said. "I take it your mom did have something else for you to do."
"Um yeah, I had to clean my room," I answered, a little sheepishly.
"Well my parents came back and said they were going out with some friends tonight and wouldn't be back until late. They told me I could have you stay overnight and we could order a pizza or something. How about it?"
"Uh, ok, hang on a second." I called down to my mom and asked if she had a problem with it. Of course she didn't. I glanced at the clock and was amazed to see it was already after five. "Cool on this end. Let me get some stuff together and I'll be over there."
"See you in a few then," he said, and hung up. That's when I realized I hadn't even asked what happened with Jenny or if she was still there.
I quickly gathered up what stuff I needed and started walking to Josh's. I figured I could take a shower there. I didn't want to take too long because it was about dinnertime and I was hungry. Josh's parents were already gone again when I arrived. He answered the door and told me to come on in. Imagine my surprise when I found Jenny sitting on the couch.
"Hey Jenny, didn't know you were still here. Sorry I couldn't come back earlier, Mom made me clean my room," I said.
"Uh-huh. That's what Josh said," she answered, and I knew she wasn't buying it.
"What? I did, call and ask her. Hope you guys didn't miss me while I was gone," I said grinning.
"Oh, we didn't," Josh said from behind me. Jenny just grinned. Great, now they were going to play games with me.
"So, anything interesting happen while I was gone?"
"Maybe," Jenny answered, smirking. "But I don't think you're going to be hearing about it."
"Besides, it was your idea," Josh joined in.
"Actually though, there is something I wanted to ask you Terry," Jenny continued. "I was wondering if you'd want to do some... things, with Josh. You know, like the things we've done."
"Yeah," Josh said, "she said you wondered what it would be like with a guy."
"And I'm sure Josh would be... willing, if you wanted to see what it was like," Jenny finished.
I just stood there looking back and forth between them. I couldn't believe this. I hadn't set them up, I'd set MYSELF up, and walked right into it to boot. No longer was I concerned with what, if anything, they might have done that afternoon. In five minutes they'd managed to turn it all back around on me. And here they were grinning at me like a couple of fools. But I decided to play along.
"Well no, I wouldn't mind doing some things with Josh," I finally answered, trying to keep my voice light though I couldn't look at him. "But just when is this supposed to happen?"
"Oh, I don't know. Whenever. Maybe not at all. Then again, maybe tonight," Jenny said. I could tell it was all she could do to keep from laughing. "That's between you and Josh." Then she did lose it and was practically rolling on the floor.
"Oh you're funny. I suppose you want to stay and watch?" I asked, trying to save a little dignity.
"No," she answered, calming down and heading for the door. "I think I hear my mom calling me." And she burst out laughing again. I just glared at her as she closed the door.
"So, ready for that pizza?" Josh asked.
He ordered and we sat down to start watching a movie while we waited. There was a brief intermission when the pizza finally arrived and we scarfed it down, and then we went back to watching the movie. I don't even know what it was. For one thing, it sucked. For another, I had other things on my mind. I hadn't exactly figured out what I was going to do before Josh called. As if that weren't bad enough, he and Jenny had pulled that stuff on me as soon as I walked in the door. I didn't know if they were serious or not. Well, I figured Josh meant it, I just wasn't sure if they had done anything or were really expecting us to tonight. Apparently Josh noticed I was a little pensive and not paying attention to the movie.
"Are you ok Terry? You seem kind of out of it," he said.
"Huh? No, I'm fine. Just watching the movie," I replied.
"Bull. I've been watching you for two minutes, and you haven't seen a thing."
"Heh... Ok, so the movie kind of sucks."
"Let's do something else then."
We shut the TV off and went up to his room. I took up my usual spot at the foot of the bed staring at the ceiling while Josh put some music on. One of the coolest things about his room was that it had this dimmer switch so you could turn the lights down to like candlelight. It made it easier to stare in that direction. Josh turned the light down about three-quarters of the way and lit up an incense stick. That was another thing about his room; it always smelled of incense. But not the really overpowering stuff, just kind of a sweet pleasant spice. He used a couple of different kinds, but this one was called Fantasia I think. We'd sit in there for hours just chatting and relaxing, listening to music in the dim light.
Josh paused as he turned and came towards the bed. "You're awfully quiet tonight. You aren't mad at me for earlier are you? Or Jenny?" he asked.
"No, I'm not mad at either of you," I answered, looking up at him. He seemed to accept that and lay down beside me. "It was part of what I was thinking about though."
"Look, if it's about Jenny and I this afternoon... We just talked for a little while about the whole thing and ended up kissing some and..."
"Josh, I don't want to know," I interrupted him. "I mean, if you want to tell me I'll listen. But I don't need to know what happened. I knew what the general outcome was going to be. The details are with you and her."
"If you knew, then why did you want us to do anything?"
"I don't know. I told you I couldn't explain it. Part of me wanted to know if you were bi. Part of me wanted to see Jenny with you. I just didn't want to end up like that movie Threesome." Later Josh told me that if I'd been looking at him I would have seen him start, though I didn't find out why for a long time. "I didn't want to have this thing where she was in love with you, you were in love with me, and I was in love with her. Well, that last wouldn't happen because Jenny and I have already been through it, but..."
Josh didn't reply, and it was silent for a long time. "You guys were serious earlier, weren't you? About us... doing things," I finally said.
"It was part of what we talked about. She said you two had talked about it before, but as far as she knew you hadn't ever done anything with another guy. Except kiss me that night in the hospital. She thought that maybe it was bothering you and if we... made out or something..."
That was when the condition of the room suddenly hit me, including the music that was on. It was a CD Josh had burned himself, all slow music, and right then the newer version of Hotel California was playing. "You really want this, don't you?" I asked, turning my head to face him. He looked over at me.
"You know I do. I told you that, but I just didn't want to push you into anything, especially not away from me. That's what you said in the hospital, not to rush things."
I knew right then that I loved Josh. And I mean really loved him. I didn't care if we were both guys, or if I was gay or bi or a fucking pink elephant. Josh loved me, cared about me so much. I could see it in his face and those slate blue eyes. I hadn't realized how hard the last couple of weeks had been on him, knowing he loved me and there was a chance, but not knowing how I felt. He was beautiful; the dim light made his skin really dark and his eye shine. I just wanted to grab him and never let go. He was leaning towards me, and I could feel his breath on my face. Our lips touched. Josh was tentative at first, not sure if I wanted to do this or not.
So I let him know. I pushed into him and opened my mouth slightly, tasting again that warm cinnamon flavor. We started French kissing, longer and more passionately. After a moment I pulled him over me, feeling the warmth of his body, his weight pushing me into the bed. We wrapped our arms around each other, and I ran my hands through the hair hanging down over our faces.
And just like that we were making out. I liked his scent, clean and warm and sort of musky; much different than a girl. To say nothing of the lack of breasts. We must have gone on like that for at least half an hour or more, just lying there on his bed and kissing. Once in a while we'd roll over, trading places. In some of the stiller moments I would look up (or down) and just stare into his eyes.
Hands were roaming some. I mostly rubbed Josh's back, pulling him tightly into me. We started to get warm, and I slid my hands up inside his shirt, gently forcing it over his head. He pulled away long enough to remove mine and I admired his flat, smooth chest. It was firm, and I could feel the muscles moving under his skin. Then we were embracing again and the feel of his bare chest on mine was indescribable. He felt warmer than when he'd had his shirt on, and so smooth. I started getting hard; he already was.
Josh took the lead. We'd been going sort of back and forth to that point, but now it was all him. He started kissing my neck, moving down my chest. There weren't any loud moans or crying out each other's names. I liked things quiet, and was glad to find he did too. Sure there were some gasps and really heavy breathing, but none of that loud fake sounding stuff (at least it always sounds fake to me, makes me laugh whenever I even try it, by myself or with someone). I put my head back and closed my eyes, still running my hands over what of his back I could reach and through his hair. Josh continued kissing his way down my chest and abs, rubbing his hands wherever his mouth wasn't.
At last he reached the button on my jeans, and I had to say something. "You're sure you want to do this Josh?" I asked softly. He looked up at me as he undid the zipper and slowly pulled them off.
"I'm positive Terry. I've wanted to do this since I first saw you, and even more now," he answered, quickly pulling his own pants off. It was the first time I'd ever seen him completely naked, and he was truly beautiful. Perfectly proportioned through and through, lean and, at least right then, hard, every bit of him. So was I, like a rock. Josh knelt back over me and we kissed for a moment, and I could feel our erections touch. Then he slid his tongue all the way down the center of my chest and suddenly I was in his mouth.
He was good. No, Jenny was good, like neither of the other girls I'd ever been with had been, because she listened. Josh was great, because he didn't have to ask, he knew. He was firmer than the girls had been, more confident. Sometimes he sucked gently, sometimes he worked his tongue over it, and sometimes he did something I can't even describe though I know it involved his teeth somehow. And the whole time he was caressing my butt or stomach and chest. I could feel him between my legs, excited himself. I know I didn't last very long, but it sure seemed like forever. All too soon I could feel it starting, and I warned him I was about to cum.
Josh just kept going, right up to when I started to orgasm, then he quickly slid up to kiss me and we embraced, grinding into each other. I was already shooting and then I felt him start just a few seconds after. I could taste a little of my cum in his kiss, the rest spreading between our stomachs, mixing with his, slick and hot and sticky. My hands ran all up and down his back, gently squeezing his cheeks as our breathing began to slow and our kissing grew less frantic. Gradually we stopped moving and just lay in the embrace, slowly starting to get soft.
After a few minutes I opened my eyes and looked up into Josh's. There was a questioning look on his face. "Wow," was all I could say. He smiled and kissed me again. "That was intense. But if I didn't need a shower before, I definitely do now," I said. Josh laughed and raised himself up a little. We sort of stuck together. "And so do you," I added, laughing. Josh just stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me off the bed and into the bathroom next door.
As he leaned in to start the shower I grabbed him from behind, wrapping my arms around his stomach and kissing his neck. He nuzzled against my face for a moment and then easily slipped out of my hold, the cum on our stomachs now cool but still slippery. We both stepped into the shower and let the steaming water run down over us, taking turns washing each other off. He ran his hands over my hair. I say over because it wasn't even as long as his fingers were thick, except for my bangs. He said it felt like a really soft brush, really funky.
We made out some more, kissing and hugging as the water fell on us. I was glad we were close in height. I sucked and licked water off of his skin, drinking in the scent of his damp hair. When I felt him start to get hard again, I kneeled down and began to lick and kiss him, caressing his firm cheeks and smooth thighs. Then I started playing with his sack, gently licking and toying with it right before taking him into my mouth. I wasn't great, hell I probably wasn't even good, but Josh didn't seem to mind. Gradually he put his hands on my shoulders and started to move gently back and forth in response to my mouth.
I wrapped my arms around his legs and held on to his butt, feeling the muscles flex and relax. In a short while I felt him start to tense up and not relax as much afterwards. And I could taste precum too. I knew he was getting close. The whole time the water just ran down over us like a gentle rain. He warned me he was getting really close, that he was about to cum again. But I didn't care. I wanted to taste Josh, and I wanted to taste all of him. At first I nearly gagged because I didn't expect it to come out so hard, but I quickly worked out how to swallow at the right time. And there wasn't as much as the first time either. The taste wasn't as salty as I thought it would be, a little bleachy but not unpleasant. The thing was it was Josh's, and that made it as sweet as honey to me.
When he started to go soft and his shudders subsided, I stood up again and we French kissed some more. That's when the hot water began to run out. Since we were already starting to shrivel up anyway, we got out and toweled off. Then we went back to his room and he closed the door, saying we didn't have to worry about his parents because they never came in without knocking.
We climbed into the bed, still naked. I spooned him, enjoying the feel of his warm smooth skin all the way down my body. One arm under his neck, the other over his back, I nuzzled his neck, feeling his chest rise and fall, the gentle beat of his heart against my hand and chest. I felt so right, so complete.
"I love you Josh," I murmured into his soft damp hair.
"I love you too, Angel," Josh answered softly, pushing a button on the remote to his stereo before clutching my arm to his chest. That Sarah McLachlan song that had come on in the hospital, Angel, started playing and he snuggled even closer back against me. We just lay there like that for a long time. I wasn't thinking about anything, just the feeling of Josh against me. His breathing gradually slowed as he fell asleep. I followed right behind him into a deep and peaceful night.
*** End of Part 3 ***
Thanks to all who have written. Sorry I can't write all of you back individually, but time seems to be something I'm really short on these days.
Hope part three lived up to your expectations. A couple of people were hoping that Terry wouldn't turn out to be gay, and I know it does seem a little too perfect. But it's just the way it went, though I did consider both possibilities. I also hope the much anticipated sex scene wasn't a let down. If it was, sorry. Sex for me is incidental (or it would be, if I were getting any ;) and it's actually the love that matters. I'm not saying one can't have sex for fun, and that might happen in the future here, but this first time...
As I'm sure everyone does, I get a lot of "What is/isn't real here?" So I thought I'd tell you. The quarry is real, exists and is used just like I described, and there is a school not far from it, though it isn't mine. Jenny is based in appearance loosely on a friend of mine, and the way she acts and her and Terry's history the way I wish another friend and I had been able to grow up together. Josh's appearance is based on an image off the web. And finally, there is a little bit of me in both Josh and Terry. Josh, because of the suicide thing (though it isn't really related to my bisexuality). Terry, because he is the person I see myself as, doing what I think I would do in a given situation, and being offered the things that I most want. And that, as they say, is it.
This is going to be it for now. Sorry guys. I do have a couple of more ideas to carry it on, and I will likely come back to them later. But right now, I graduate in just about a month, and I really need to focus in on that. I might be able to get the second part of Midwest Dreams out by then (it will be the next thing anyway), but no promises.
Feedback is, as always, welcome. Flames will be ignored, personal responses given the utmost effort as long as possible. ghost397@hotmail.com