The Confessional
Roger
Just when Father Warren decided that his last few weeks had been rather dull in the confessional, in walked a man not much older than he was. From what he could see through the slatted wall separating him from the penitent, the man was quite tall, lean, and rather good looking.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned." The man recited the repetitive words, which had lost all meaning to Warren by this time.
"And what is the nature of your sin, my son?" Warren loved to address people as my son,' or my daughter,' even if they were twice his age. After all, those old folks called him `Father,' and he was not thirty yet.
"I am an ordained Catholic priest," the man began.
Warren interrupted him. "Don't you have a confessor in your own church?"
"I no longer have a church, Father. I resigned from the priesthood a few months ago, and I have not gone to mass since."
"That is hardly a sin, my son. If you felt that the church was not your calling after all, you did the right thing. I am sure you can serve God and humanity in another capacity."
"Yes, you are correct. I am now a social worker. But please Father, hear me out. I left the church because I am a homosexual."
"Still, if you didn't act on it, you did not break your vows, nor did you sin."
The man paid no attention to Warren, and he continued. "There was a volunteer in my church. He was head of the prison ministry, and I often went with him to a local prison, where I celebrated Mass for the inmates. We became very friendly, very close. One day, after we left the prison, we had lunch together. I realized during that luncheon that I had developed strong feelings for the man, sexual urges, if you will. He was so good looking."
Now Warren's ears were all perked up, and so was his cock. "Go on." he urged.
"Once I admitted to myself that I might lose control one day, I found myself attracted to one of my altar boys. I began to fear that I would give in to my urges, and make a bold and stupid move. I determined that I would never become a part of the great scandal, which has disgraced our church, and I left."
Warren felt compelled to interrupt. "But since you never acted on your...urges... I don't see how you have sinned."
"I'm getting to it," the man said impatiently. "After I left the church, I continued to fight my homosexuality, but I couldn't. I became very friendly with a co-worker, and one evening he seduced me into his bed. I confess that I was an easy seduction. Since then, we have had sex often. He says that he loves me, and he wants me to move in with him."
Warren wanted desperately to interrupt, but he decided to shut up and just listen.
"I have strong feelings for this friend, but I don't know if it's love or lust. I can't conceive of two men actually loving each other. But that's not the worst part. I am so full of guilt for having had sex with a man, and going against everything I ever believed in, that I find myself contemplating suicide. That scares me so much, Father. Suicide is a greater sin than homosexuality. How can I take a life that God created?"
"You can't, and you shouldn't," Warren tried to put real sincerity into his statement. "Have you considered seeing a shrink?"
"Yes, but I prefer to speak to a priest."
"Then let's do this." Warren said. "Let me be your counselor. Your emotions are not foreign to me."
Warren couldn't see the man sitting in the confessional booth. If he could, he would have seen the confusion on the man's face, when he tried to digest that last statement. It sounded like the priest also had something to confess. Maybe even more than he had.
"What are you suggesting, Father?" the man asked.
"I would like to be more than your confessor. I'd like to be your counselor. Would you be willing to meet in my home one or two nights a week, for as long as it takes?"
"As long as what takes?"
"As long as it takes you to lose all thoughts of suicide, and attempt to lead a normal productive life, even if you live that life as a homosexual. It might take only one session, or maybe more, but it surely isn't a long term commitment."
"I suppose we could try it. I have nothing to lose."
"Good. What is your name my friend?"
"Roger, Roger Smith."
"Would this evening be too soon to begin?"
"No that would be great."
Warren gave Roger the directions to his home behind the church. They agreed to meet at 6 PM, and Warren said, he would make them dinner while they talked.
Roger arrived promptly at 6 PM. Warren was wearing a pair of jeans, and a tee shirt. Roger suspected that he had no underwear on, based on the contour of his cock against the too tight jeans. He had no socks on either, and he was barefoot. That surprised Roger. Even though he had dressed down at home, when he was a priest, he was surprised to see Warren so informal. He himself was wearing jeans (no underwear) and a polo shirt, but he had on sneakers without socks. His package was also obvious to Warren.
"I made us a light snack for dinner," Warren began. "Come with me into the kitchen, and we can talk while we eat."
Roger followed Warren into the kitchen, and sat at the table. He placed a tuna salad sandwich in front of Roger. The sandwich also contained a generous amount of lettuce and tomato.
"I don't like tomatoes," Roger announced. "May I take the slices off the sandwich?"
"Sure, just put them at the side of the plate." Then he poured a cup of coffee for each of them. A small pitcher of milk, and packets of sugar and artificial sweetener were on the table, so Warren didn't have to ask how Roger liked his coffee. Warren began the conversation.
"Tell me first about your co-worker with whom you have had sex. He must be a great guy. You wouldn't have broken down your resolve, for anyone that wasn't special."
"His name is Zeldan. I think he's of Russian or Hungarian descent. At any rate he's not a Roman Catholic. Actually I don't think he practices any religion. He's as handsome as a movie star, and he has the body of an athlete. He's six feet tall, and all muscle."
"Stop right there," Warren smiled, "don't you dare describe his endowments. I was inquiring about his soul, about his worth as a human being."
"I doubt he has worth, or a future in Paradise. He's gay, Father."
"Please call me Warren, when we are alone like this."
"Yes Warren."
"Surely, you of all people, don't believe that any of God's creations are worthless. Every person, who ever lived, has affected someone else's life, and usually many lives. We are all born with a purpose."
Warren expected some sort of rebuttal, but Roger simply said, "You are the most liberal thinking priest I have ever met. Are you gay Warren? Have you seduced little altar boys, or more likely, has one of them seduced you?"
Now it was Roger's turn to expect Warren to express some anger, but he didn't expect the answer, he got. "Yes," Warren smiled at Roger. "I am gay, but since I took my vows, I have remained celibate. I confess, that once, and only once, I was seduced by a teen-ager. He was not an altar boy, and he was eighteen, so at least he was legal. He merely saw me as another conquest. I meant nothing to him, except that I was another notch in his rifle. That incident taught me a lesson. I have not broken my vows since, and I don't intend to."
"I suspected that you were gay," Roger said. "You are just too understanding to be your everyday priest. You said that you have been celibate since taking your vows. Did you have gay sex before that?"
"Yes, I did."
"Tell me about it."
"There's not much to tell. It was with my roommate at the seminary. Once we took our vows, we both honored them, and became celibate. He lives clear across the country, and we aren't even in touch."
"Wow," was all Roger could manage to get out.
"But we aren't here to discuss me. We are here to discuss you, so let me do that. First of all, I think that you were very brave to have left the priesthood, rather than break your vows. It's more than I did, but at least I reaffirmed them after that one time I gave in to lust. Now, as a lay person, you have indulged in gay sex. You don't have to obey those vows anymore. Still you feel guilty, because gay sex goes against all your religious beliefs. I stopped feeling guilty when I realized something."
"What was that?"
"The Bible was written by men, hundreds of years after the creation, after Abraham, Moses and Jesus. It is a social history of the mores of the times in which it was written. It condones polygamy and slavery, which are abhorrent to me, but which were common practices at the time the authors wrote."
"Then why do you remain a priest and a Christian, if you don't believe in The Bible?" Roger said, sounding quite angry.
"Because, made up or real, I believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ, and that makes me a Christian."
Roger was silent for a while, then he smiled sweetly at Warren. "We are both very handsome men," he said, "If I were to ask you to have sex with me, how would you react?"
"I would thank you for the compliment, but I would say no. I am still under oath, and you are not."
"But if we were to have sex, wouldn't you feel guilty?"
"I'd feel guilty for breaking my vows, but not for making love with you."
"Then you are condoning my having sex with Zeldan?" Roger asked slyly.
"I guess I am. What I am trying to say is that God has chosen you to love a man, not a woman. The Bible says that David loved Jonathan beyond the love of any woman, so I guess God didn't mind at all. There are other examples, like Ruth and Naomi, Paul and Timothy, and dare I say it, even Jesus and John the beloved. I think that you should look at Zeldan with different eyes. He is not leading you into a life of sin. Perhaps he is leading you into a lifetime of love."
"You make a compelling point, so how could you give up your roommate?"
"I wanted to tell him a hundred times that we should leave the seminary, and make a life together, but in our case, we both preferred celibacy to abandoning our calling."
"We aren't so different, then. I left because I was afraid I couldn't honor my vows. I guess I'm not as strong as you are."
"Then stop torturing yourself. Here's the penance I am handing out to you. Before your next confession, take Zeldan out for a candle-lit dinner. Put a little romance into your intimate time together, so that it is more than sex and lust. See where it leads you. See if you don't begin to feel differently about the man. I sense that he might be in love with you."
"In love with me? Is it possible to feel love for a member of your own sex?"
"I loved my roommate, Elliot. Truly I did, but I loved Jesus more. Not everybody would feel that way, but I chose to believe it. On the other hand, I want you to pursue a life with Zeldan, or any other man, with my blessing."
"With your blessing?" Roger asked incredulously.
"With my blessing," Warren reiterated.
When Roger got home that night, it was quite late, but he didn't care. He was filled with a sense of relief. Warren had given him much to think about, and a sense of closure to his old life, and a portal to his future life. He called Zeldan.
"You woke me," Zeldan said sleepily. "This better be good."
"Will you have dinner with me Friday evening? I know a romantic little restaurant in Chelsea."
There was no doubt, that there was a sob in his voice when Zeldan said, "I'd love to."
A week later, Roger went to his second counseling session. After greeting each other cordially, he said, "I did as you suggested, Father. I took Zeldan out to a romantic dinner. After dinner, we went to his apartment, and we did not have sex. We made love. It was different than all the times before, because I allowed myself to love him without guilt. Can you understand that Father? Can you relate to it?"
"Of course I can. I told you that I loved Elliot. When we were intimate, it was pure love."
"I'm going out on a limb here, but I've got to say it. It isn't fair for either you or Elliot to suppress such love. Contact him, leave the priesthood. Make a future for yourselves."
"Thank you for your concern, but Elliot and I have both made our choice to remain celibate priests. Please appreciate the difference between us and you. Now that we have met, Roger, I don't want to lose touch with you; I want to celebrate your glorious future with you. Come to Mass sometimes, and bring Zeldan."
"Yes," Roger whispered, "I will."
Warren was dying to ask Roger to describe in detail how he and Zeldan made love. He would have desired to live vicariously through their love making, but he could not bring himself to ask. He did ask, however, if either of them was circumcised.
"We both are." Roger said, wondering why that would be of interest to Warren.
When Roger took Zeldan to dinner, he was able to obtain a quiet corner table. He ordered wine before dinner, and if they weren't actually eating, Roger would place his hand on Zeldan's, and smile at him. Zeldan tried desperately to hold back tears, but he was losing the battle.'
"Why tears; why so sad, my love?" Roger asked.
"I'm not sad. I'm very happy. In the past, when you have made love to me, I could tell that your heart wasn't in it. Tonight is so different. You're really being very romantic. I need to know why there is such a drastic change in you."
"Believe it or not, I had a long talk with my priest."
"Zeldan was surprised. "Didn't he condemn you to hell?"
"On the contrary. He told me that Jesus preached that the most important thing we can do during our lifetimes is to love one another, and that there are no restrictions to love. He told me to re-examine how I felt about you, and if I loved you I should go for it. Furthermore, if I did go for it, I should love you without shame. I'm offering you my love, Zeldan, and neither of us should be ashamed of it."
"That doesn't sound like any priest I ever knew," Zeldan declared. "I'd like to meet him."
"You will. I promised him that I would bring you to Mass. But why are we talking so much? Let's eat up, and get into a bed. We can make love all night, and all weekend."
When they came into Zeldan's apartment, they fell into each other's arms. Their embrace led to some very impassioned kissing. Roger could not believe how free he felt to make love without restraint. They began to undress each other, but they grew impatient, and literally ripped off their own clothes. Zeldan was the first to hit the bed, flat on his back. Roger mounted him in a sixty-nine position. They would have purred and whimpered when they took each other, but their mouths were full, and they couldn't.
Roger came first, and his breath was too short to continue sucking Zeldan's cock, so he twisted around and positioned himself between Zeldan's legs. He took his lover's cock into his mouth, and brought Zeldan to a happy ending. Zeldan's mouth was free now, and he screamed so loud, he frightened Roger. Roger noted that Zeldan was always noisy when he came, but this night was extraordinary, and he was screaming like a hyena. Between his animal-like sounds, he kept yelling, "I love you, Roger. I love you so much."
They cuddled together, and as they were falling asleep, Zeldan whispered in Roger's ear, "In the morning, let's fuck each other."
"Yes, darling," Roger answered, "tomorrow morning and every morning forever. I'll love you, and make love to you, until I die."
Zeldan smiled, and fell fast asleep, while Roger held him tightly. Neither of them had ever slept so deeply before. Love and contentment had altered their lives. Roger had every intention of letting his new friend, Father Warren, know how happy he was.
Authors Note: Look for more stories from the confessional, whenever Father Matthew gets around to writing them.