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The Devil Comes to Brooklyn
Author's note to the readers:
I wrote this little tale with tongue in cheek. It is meant to amuse you, not to terrify you. Please read it in the satirical manner it was intended, and hopefully you will indeed be entertained. HWB
Part One
The Proposition
Vinnie Fontana lives in Brooklyn, NY. In fact, he has lived there all his life. One evening, he shuffled his way from his galley kitchen to his dining room. He was carrying a dinner plate with a newly zapped, frozen, meat loaf dinner. The whole trip was about six or seven feet, but it took him almost six minutes to maneuver his way through that short distance. At ninety-five years old, he was hardly spry.
He put the plate on the table and studied the chair he was about to sit in. He shuddered. Every day it became more difficult for him to stand up out of a chair. A sofa was even harder. He used to have help from his long-time partner, Abie Abramowitz. Abie died four years ago when he was ninety-one.
Even though Abie was no longer with him, Vinnie spoke to him out loud every day. He was never pleasant when he spoke to Abie. He was angry at him for leaving him alone. Today, he was nastier than ever.
"You fucker," he said, "why did you die and leave me alone? At least when you were alive, we helped each other. And another thing you should know, I'll never forgive you for putting that curse on me."
Vinnie was referring to a Yiddish blessing that Abie would recite often to let Vinnie know how much he loved him. In English, it translated to, "May you live to be one hundred and twenty." Now, in his mid-nineties, Vinnie was convinced that it was a curse, not a blessing. He felt he had lived too long. Life was getting harder and harder. Every bone in his body rebelled at the slightest movement. None of his body parts worked anymore, especially the parts that used to be his pride and joy, and which Abie had made beautiful, sensuous love to, ever since they were in their late teens attending Brooklyn College.
The only thing that was still working well was his brain, but he was convinced that was a curse also. He'd rather have dementia, and not be aware of his deteriorating physical condition. His youngish brain constantly told his body to do this, that, or the other thing, but his body merely sniggered at his brain. He could do none of the things his brain instructed him to do.
It took him about five minutes to get seated and position his chair so that he would be comfortable while eating. He figured his meat loaf would be cold when he finally got around to eating it, but he was used to that, and he no longer cared.
In desperation, he yelled out, "Abie come and get me. I want to be with you. Why the devil did I live this long?"
A loud and booming voice startled the shit out of Vinnie. "The devil had nothing to do with it," the voice said. "You just have good, strong Italian genes."
Vinnie looked up, and saw a beautiful young man standing beside him. He had a full head of very blond hair, blue eyes, a smallish nose, and a muscular body. Vinnie longed to see his endowments, but he was wearing loose fitting cargo pants, and nothing showed.
Vinnie was alarmed, to say the least. How did Mr. Handsome get into his apartment? "Who are you?" Vinnie was finally able to ask.
"You may have heard of me. I've become a legend. Everyone knows my name. I was an alchemist, and over six hundred years ago. When I was as old and as doddering as you are, I sold my soul to the devil in return for the gift of youth. My name is Dr. Johann Faustus, but you can call me Johnny."
Vinnie was really shaking with fright now. "What's that got to do with me?" he asked in a quivering voice.
"Nothing," Johnny said, "but I have a proposition for you."
"What is it?"
"Unfortunately, I can't offer you the proposition, but my boss can."
"So why isn't he here?" Vinnie said, while looking all around the room.
"Just eat your meal," Johnny said. "He'll be here any minute."
"I'm too scared to eat anything, thanks to you, and besides it's ice cold by now."
"Things will get better when the boss gets here," Johnny promised.
The boss was taking his time arriving, so just to make conversation, Vinnie said, "You have an accent. Where are you from?"
"Are you the only man in the world who doesn't know the legend? I'm from Germany, of course."
Suddenly another form stood at Johnny's side. It loomed out of nowhere, and it was some sort of huge animal. It was at least seven feet tall, and it seemed to be a cross between a goat and a dragon. Its eyes were red, and smoke was coming from its nostrils. When the thing opened its mouth, his tongue appeared to be a slithering snake. His skin was reptilian, and it was covered with some sort of gooey substance. It looked at Vinnie with its menacing red eyes.
Vinnie could not remember being more frightened in his entire life, and it had been a very long life. He wasn't this frightened when he faced enemy fire in Korea. His heart was beating so hard, he could feel each quickened thump tightening his chest. His breathing was getting more difficult. He kept wondering if he was having a heart attack. He hoped that he had dementia after all, and he was hallucinating all this.
Many, many years ago, when Vinnie was studying for his first communion, he was gifted an illustrated children's version of the bible. He recognized the beastly form immediately from the picture in the book. It was Satan himself. He looked more like a monster than a man. Now Vinnie was clutching his dining room table with all his strength. He was shaking so much, he was afraid he'd fall off his chair.
Maybe I'm dying, he thought. But he had been a kind, generous, and altruistic man all his life. He had served his country in the military. Vinnie believed that this was the devil coming to take him to hell. He shouldn't be going to hell. He had done nothing to deserve it. Besides he knew for a fact that his Abie had gone to the `other place.' He spoke to him all the time.
"You're Satan," Vinnie screeched, and covered his eyes with his arm.
"Don't ever call me Satan again," the monster instructed Vinnie. "It's offensive. It's like me calling you faggot or queer. My name is Lucifer, and that's how you'll address me. Another thing, don't ever shorten my name to Luci. Unlike you, I'm straight, and I find Luci to be derogatory also. You can call me Lucifer, or the devil, nothing else."
As he spoke, Lucifer began to change form. In less than thirty seconds he looked exactly like Johnny. Vinnie recoiled in astonishment. Lucifer decided to explain. He didn't have to, but he did.
"When I restored Johnny's youth, I didn't realize how handsome he was. The women he fancied were all over him. He was exceptionally successful in bedding them. I have no idea how many little Johnny's have populated this planet. He makes love to these women just once, and then he leaves them. I wanted to be as successful with women as he is, so when I take human form, I look just like him. When we are cruising together, we tell everyone that we're twins."
"Have you made a lot of little Lucifers?" Vinnie dared asked.
"Of course not. That would be disastrous. I'm infertile."
"So that's Johnny's function. He's bait for you to snare women."
"That's true, but it's only incidental. Johnny is the most successful client I ever had. He accompanies me whenever I pitch a prospective client like you. He will answer all the questions you would like to ask about his metamorphosis. Be sure to ask him about what a good deal he made, and find out how he enjoys living in hell. Take your time. Consider everything carefully. I will sense when you have made up your mind. If it's a yes, I'll come back with a contract. If it's a no, this is our last face to face. It was nice meeting you."
Lucifer disappeared.
Suddenly, Vinnie heard Abie's voice. "Don't sign any contract with the devil," Abie yelled. "Every sentence in a devil contract has a double meaning. You'll never get what you think you're contracting for."
"Did you forget, Abie? I'm a lawyer, or at least, I was," Vinnie answered sounding exasperated. "I'll review the contract carefully, and I'll make changes if I feel they're necessary. If Lucifer doesn't object, we have a deal. If he doesn't accept the changes, I won't sign."
"If you sign, we'll never see each other again," Abie said, and then he said no more.
"I don't know where that man is coming from, or what lies he believes, but that's pure nonsense," Johnny said to Vinnie. "I couldn't be happier with the deal I made. Now let's get comfortable on the sofa, and we'll talk."
Vinnie stood up easily, and in a second he made his way to the sofa. It wasn't until he sat down on the very low seat, that he realized he managed all this like a young man.
"You see," Johnny said. "That's just a small example of what it'll be like."
Part Two
A Conversation With Dr. Faustus
When they were comfortably seated, Vinnie said, "Talk Johnny. Give me your pitch. I want to hear your story, from the first time you met Lucifer, and to your experiences to date. I'll interrupt as you go along, if I have any questions."
Johnny sat back and sighed. He was collecting his thoughts. He knew he could never tell Vinnie the truth. He would have to lie to him as he did to all the prospective souls he had pitched before him. Nonetheless, he remembered his own experience, and he couldn't get it out of his head.
Back in the sixteenth century, a very old, Johann, accepted Lucifer's terms, and he signed the contract hastily, without reading it. He didn't realize that the contract had a termination date. How stupid could he have been. He only signed up for a fifteen year hitch, and then his soul would become part of Lucifer's collection in hell.
Immediately upon signing the contract, Johann morphed into his nineteen year old self, and he never grew older. He went out into the world and every night he bedded a beautiful woman; some were married and some were single. It didn't much matter to him. Sometimes he had two beauties in bed with him, and occasionally three. He could satisfy all of them. That talent was part of the gift he was assured in the contract.
One time, a young man of sixteen lured Johann into bed. He was wearing women's clothing and he was beautiful. He performed fellatio on Johann. That was a treat for the young man and for Johann. When the boy said he wanted to be fucked in his ass, Johann was happy to oblige. He never found out the truth. If he had, he probably would have killed the poor boy.
He had fifteen glorious years, and then his contract came to an end. He had just finished fucking a girl and he fell asleep. When he woke up, he found himself naked. He was lying on a hot bed of sand. It was surrounded by fire. His time in hell had begun.
As Johann lay writhing in the burning sand, Lucifer attempted to replicate his human form, but he discovered a strange truth. To be able for him to become Johann's twin, Johann had to be in close proximity to him. When that information became clear to him, he had the hapless man brought to him.
Johann shook in front of Lucifer. His entire body was quaking.
"I have another proposition for you," Lucifer said.
"Your propositions have destroyed my soul," Johann whimpered. "I don't want to hear this one."
"I'll tell you anyway. I want you to be my assistant. When I go out cruising for women, I want you with me as bait. But that's not the main reason I want you with me. When I go out recruiting new clients, I want you to convince them that selling me your soul was the best thing that ever happened to you. Tell them that in hell having sex is non-stop. In the `other place' it's forbidden."
"And what will be my punishment for lying for you? I don't trust you. Will my sandy bed be hotter?"
"Of course not. I promise you that for all your help, you can live with me in my home. I'll see to it that we always have lots of women there. I give you my word."
"I still don't trust you, but what have I got to lose? I accept."
So, Johann became Lucifer's lackey, and his existence in hell was considerably eased. He had a success rate of luring eight out of ten souls to his master's hell. Lucifer accepted that statistic, but he warned Johann not to go any lower. Johann feared that if he didn't maintain his good record, he would be sent back to the burning fires and the scorching sand.
Johnny was very quiet as he remembered his former existence in hell. He began to shake.
"What's wrong with you?" Vinnie asked at last. "You don't look well, and you're not telling me what to expect in hell."
Johnny got himself together. He smiled and started to tell his lies. "My contract was for fifteen years."
Vinnie interrupted. "That's not acceptable. I'd want to have at least two hundred years."
"I'll help you negotiate," Johnny promised. "Let me continue. When my contract ended, I wished it had ended sooner."
"Why?" Vinnie asked.
"Because hell is populated by thousands of beautiful women, every one of them who saw me, wanted me to fuck them. I was in heaven, not hell. Then when Lucifer made me his assistant, things got even better. I lived in his palace, and willing women were all over the place. Sometimes I had to kick them out of my bed. Lucifer gave me the ability to have multiple orgasms, and I can satisfy any number of women in one day."
"You're not winning me over," Vinnie said. "I'm gay. What kind of promises can you make me?"
"The same as what happened to me, except with men instead of women. You'll be in gay heaven, or I should say, gay hell, and you'll love it."
"I'm still disinterested. There was only one man, I ever cared to make love with, and there will never be another. You'll have to offer me something more."
"I can't return that man to you, especially if he's in that other place."
Suddenly, Abie appeared in the room. "Please, Vinnie," he sobbed. "don't listen to him. He's lying."
"Abie, Abie, what kind of fool do you take me for? I was a lawyer for over fifty years. For certain, I know when somebody is lying to me."
"I'm not lying," Johnny said.
"Bullshit, it's written all over your face."
Now Johnny began to shake. He knew that he was not going to win Vinnie. His success rate was going down. He feared being returned to his real suffering in hell. His only solace was in the knowledge that his record was still better than when Lucifer operated on his own. But he couldn't be sure that the boss would be aware of that.
"Listen," Vinnie said to Johnny, "I've had enough of you. Get out of my house and tell your boss he can go to hell."
Vinnie realized how ludicrous that sounded, and he and Abie started to laugh their sides off.
Vinnie didn't know if he could envelop Abie and hug him, but he tried, and he succeeded.
"How is it you feel so real to me?" Vinnie asked.
"I'll tell you, my love, and I'm not lying like Johnny did. You could neither see me nor feel me if you were alive. Vinnie honey, you died of fright when Lucifer first appeared to you, looking like the beast you remembered from your illustrated bible. You've crossed over, my darling, and I've come to take you home."
The two men embraced, and Vinnie started to giggle.
"What's so funny?" Abie asked.
"Lucifer frightened me to death. I guess it was unintentional, but he reunited us. Wherever you take me, if you're there, I'll be in Paradise, just like Johnny and the devil promised me."
"Vinnie," Abie said, "Johnny told the truth about one thing. There's no sex in Paradise. Our souls have no gender."
"It's not important, Abie. If you and I are together for an eternity, that's all I care about."
Abie took Vinny's hand, and together they walked toward a bright white light. As they got nearer and nearer to the light, their souls were enveloped in a silvery-blue aura, and their bodies got younger and younger.
They were in Paradise, and the devil lost again. The beast was angered, and we can only wonder what happened to Johnny.