Tom Browning's Schooldays

Tom Browning's Schooldays

By

Joel

Chapter Nine

I looked around and there was Robin shaking his head and trying to sit up. Lancelot put down his scalpel.

"What's the matter with the boy? Is he starving and faint? Let me see!"

He bent over Robin who was looking quite pale and mouthing something silently. Lancelot got up and reached for a small phial on a shelf. He unstoppered it and held it by Robin's nose. "Here, my lad, sniff this."

Robin did and shook his head more violently and let out a great breath. "What's that?" he croaked and pointed.

I looked up and nearly fainted myself. The remains of my breakfast almost began to rise, but I swallowed hard. In a large jar was a man's head. It looked green and had an awful grin. I saw it was immersed in fluid.

"Oh, that!" said Lancelot nonchalantly, "Sorry, I should have covered it up and then shown you it carefully." He put his hand out to help Robin and realised he had blood and bits of the poor colt's ball on his fingers where he had separated out the tissues. "Tom, help him up! And sit him over there." I did as instructed as Lancelot wiped his hand on a rag and took up a piece of cloth which he draped over the jar. "I apologise, Robin, I forgot you don't like being surprised by blood and guts." I knew Robin was rather queasy sometimes when Lancelot produced a new specimen to be cut into but seemed happy enough to help at the birth of a foal. It was the suddenness which alarmed him I was sure. But I was intrigued. Yes, the head was horrible but I knew it was dead and had been for a long time. But whose head had it been? And where was it from?

"Would you be alright, Robin, were I to tell you about this thing?"

Robin nodded. "But what was that you made me sniff?"

"That is something very useful for young ladies when they have the vapours," he said with a grin, "It's spirits of hartshorn and the smell is called ammonia. Wakes you up, doesn't it?" He passed the phial to me and I took a cautious sniff. Ouch! I felt as if I had been dealt a sharp blow on the snout! Robin closed his eyes and shook his head resignedly.

We were both used to Lancelot and his ways. He had made us smell other gases given off when he heated minerals and collected the results in jars. He also promised to show us a strange gas and it's effects which made people laugh and if they breathed in too much they fell in a stupor and then felt no pain. At other times we had gazed fascinated, as well as nauseated, while he dissected and preserved all manner of bits of animals and he had let us use the scalpel at times. We had watched on numerous occasions as he waded in the muddy water of the stream at the back of the stables and then helped him pick the leeches off his bare legs. Admittedly he had got tired of this and two of the old horses were now used to collect the slimy beasts and old Betty Parfitt now picked them off and put them in jars for him. He sent the jars of the creatures to London regularly to physicians there. Last year I had the task of holding one of the receptacles when we went to London in our coach and had watched the things writhe and squirm much to my Mother's disgust. But this! A head! It was really horrific.

"What is it?" I asked, then wondered if I should have asked 'who?'.

He held up a finger. "No tales to be told," he said. We both nodded as we had when he had shown us that baby not yet born in the jar he kept locked in his bedroom. "It's a long story and I have a mission," he said, "Let me put this poor colt's ball away." He carefully picked up the object and dropped it into the pail by his desk. He rinsed his fingers in a basin of not very clean water on a side table and dried his hand on a very old piece of cloth. "There, now I can begin." He smiled. "But are you hungry?" What a question. We both nodded. "Let us go up to the kitchen and see what Mrs Reynolds has in the pantry. I was so busy this morning I had nothing but a dish of tea and a slice of bread."

We followed him out of the cellar and I noticed that Robin had a last look behind him at the covered object. All was silence as we mounted the stairs but as soon as we reached the kitchen we could hear laughter. Mrs Reynolds had two of her daughters with her and they were busy preparing the evening meal. One was chopping up vegetables and putting them into a large pan, the other was sitting removing the feathers from a fat hen and making a real mess. Aunt Matty would not be pleased. Mrs Reynolds was just cutting the legs away from a plucked hen as we entered.

"Oh, Mr Lancelot," she said, "We were just saying we needed you to prepare these birds for the pot as this knife does not sharpen well." She held up a huge, wicked-looking carving knife and brought it down heavily on the bird's leg.

"Mrs Reynolds," Lancelot said, "You must take more care or there will be pieces of bone in the stew and my Father will crack his teeth if he is not looking at his plate." Uncle Dodd often had a book propped up in front of him if guests were not present. "I do not wish to pull another tooth for him."

Mrs Reynolds was what my Mother called rather kindly a 'plain cook'. I knew this meant she was not used to making fancy dishes and was also rather slapdash in her preparation. Uncle Dodd had cracked a tooth when eating a plum tart which Mrs Reynolds had cooked without taking the stones out first. But, Mrs Reynolds was a jolly soul and although things might be awry at times whenever I had had her food it was very tasty. You just had to be careful.

Lancelot went over to the range where two pots were bubbling away. "These boys are hungry," he said, "A good thick soup is needed and some bread. I suppose my Mother is out and Father is visiting so we can have it in the breakfast room."

He shooed us out and we took seats at the table which looked as if it hadn't been cleared of the breakfast platters. "Nelly!" he called, "Come and clear this table." The younger of the two girls came to the door and curtsied. She was the one we always said was suitable for Isaac Barker as she was quite plump and his rude brother Jacob had said her udders were the biggest of the girls in the village and wobbled as she walked, but she was being courted by one of grooms.

"Pardon, Sir," she said, "But we were so busy. Your mother was called to Mistress Rogers as she is near her time they think and we had to prepare some good broth for her to take." She cleared the table then curtsied again as her older sister Nancy, not so plump and being courted by Charlie Flaxman the inn-keeper's eldest son who was said to have a very bent pizzle when hard, brought in a tray of bowls and a basket of bread. She disappeared out and both sisters then came in, one with a pot of soup and the other carrying a platter of cold meat.

We set to and nothing more was said until the pot was empty, the meat devoured and the last of the bread used to mop our platters. Lancelot leaned back contentedly. "At least the pair of you eat. I dread it when dear Rass condescends to join us. I often think the Second Coming will be here before he finishes chewing each morsel." Erasmus was always called 'Rass' behind his back and he feigned not to hear if anyone in the family called him that. He had been a good scholar but too argumentative about his single interest in the Second Coming to be offered a Fellowship. "Now to business and I hope you will not be retching young Robin." He laughed. "Better to tell you things here. That head!" We both nodded. "As far as I know it belonged to someone who was guillotined. You know about that?"

"Was that the French Revolution?" Robin asked. "Didn't they get rid of all the gentry?"

Lancelot smiled. "And a lot more whom they condemned. Some got away and that's the point of this story. My old College gave refuge to one who was a scientist. He was a Count and all his family did get away but his friend who was another nobleman didn't. We think he was the Duc de Clermond and he ended up being accused of conspiracy against the state and being executed. We suspect one of the duke's servants rescued his head and so it was preserved. Much later it was brought to England and must have ended up in the Count's possession. The Count lived in College but his family were scattered mainly to America so when he died in 1820 all his belongings were bundled up and taken down to the wine cellar under the dining hall. It was all forgotten until this year when a rather lavish Fellow bought a large consignment of wine for the College and room was needed

During the summer I was sent a letter by a friend who is a Fellow to advise on the best way to distil the essence of certain herbs. He knew I had been interested in that sort of thing from student days when I was known for preparing remedies. Being inquisitive I rode over to Cambridge and found that they were about to prepare a special liqueur which was to be made from a receipt the Count had bequeathed to the College. They would not tell me all the ingredients but wanted to know the best way to extract the strongest essences. I said I would help and my friend said I could have any of the apparatus and other things which were still lodged in the cellar and were to be thrown out. I was in heaven. There were books, alembics and other glass vessels, lots of chemicals in pots and among all these things was a rather handsome box and in the box was a jar and in the jar was..."

"...the head," we both said in unison. We all laughed.

"And what have you to do with it?" I asked as he had said he had a mission.

"Difficult. I would like to find his family and present them with it." He must have seen us screw up our faces in disgust. He laughed. "No, I think I will make the journey to Clermond, if that is where the poor man came from, and ask the parish priest to bury the head decently. I would need companions for the journey..." We must have looked at him expectantly. "...I think Rowley, young Benjy and perhaps some big fellow as a guard like Isaac Barker will do." We must have looked crestfallen. "I am teasing. When I have persuaded the College to give me some money I will plan the journey and I will take Rowley and you two muscled brutes!" We grinned and both held our fists up and tried to show our muscles.

"Thank you," I said, "And if we are waylaid by highwaymen we would need good pistols or borrow Mr Phillips's shotgun."

Lancelot was in a merry mood. "And who would get away with being a pitchfork?"

We were both very naughty and pointed at him. He shook his head.

"It was not me," he said, "I was riding to Cambridge but I had to examine her on my return." He got up and closed the door. "I do not believe that girl had washed for six months. I tell you, Tom, if you wish to become a physician always carry a phial of good cologne with you. Boys may stink of sweat and horse and unclean habits but girls!"

"'Would all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from my hand?'" quoted Robin.

Lancelot laughed. "You are almost correct, dear boy. I will say no more or I may like Socrates be accused of corrupting youth!"

"But how are we to know things without being taught?" I asked, "Did not Socrates say that there is only one good thing and that is knowledge, and one evil thing, ignorance?" I remembered someone had recited that during one of Mr Ridley's classes.

"My boy, you outquote me! I would never leave you in doubt but one must make some allowances for youth. I promise you both that whatever you ask me I shall endeavour to answer as truthfully as possible. If I don't know the answer we will make effort between us. Is that a bargain?"

We both nodded. I knew I could trust Lancelot and the promise of a journey to France was something to savour.

"May we see the head properly?" asked Robin. "And are you certain it's this Duc of wherever?"

"Yes, you may see it and I promise I'll unveil it carefully," Lancelot said, "And there was a small document under it's base which just said 'Clermond' but said also about the judgment of conspiracy and two dates which we think were his birth and death. I still have to check all this."

"It is a man?" I asked.

"Yes, there is the makings of a small beard so I think that is enough proof and I would say from the dates and the look of the face he was thirty or so. I have a friend in Paris who can make enquiries and I have a letter ready for him." He took out his pocket watch. "I must leave you now. I must go and see old man Jennings as he has not much longer on this earth. He has a cough and his lungs are full of liquid. His daughter tells me he is nigh on eighty which is a good age. I can ease his pain but..." He held up his hands. "We must all say goodbye at some time." He smiled. "I must not be maudlin but, young Tom, you will see all sorts and conditions of men... ...and women, but some women are..." He waved a dismissive but eloquent hand.

We both thanked him and he reminded us he wanted to test our lungs as well. Tomorrow morning, nine o'clock... ...and the head?

I was kind and didn't rib poor Robin as we walked back to the Hall leading my old pony. We had much to discuss as he had found the previous night that his brother of twelve and a half was beginning to sprout a few black hairs. "I must tell him things soon as he has seen me and also young James looked at me curiously as we went to bed last night. We have to share the bed and even at his age Philip was hard this morning."

"And you?..."

He grinned. "Of course and I had no opportunity but had to think of Black Jack in the midden to quieten things."

"And since?..."

"Is this the Inquisition? What opportunity have I had? I could not in the privy as it was too cold and James came banging on the door."

"Poor boy," I said, "I was woken with a warm hand..."

"I'll batter that Benjy some time. He is much too ready and I hope you have not had to do the same in School."

I explained carefully that all that happened each night, and most mornings for me, was what he would like to do if he did not have to sleep with his young brothers and no doubt once Philip was ready the pair would lie side by side and....

"I also have a younger brother and I would not wish him to be confused and distressed because of what his elder brothers were enjoying without him."

"Anyway," I said, waiting a moment from being reprimanded, "When you are tucked in your truckle bed you can pleasure yourself whenever you wish as I would say Maitland and Branscombe have their own delights."

He nodded. "I like that Maitland. One can tell he is a good man. Where is he from?"

I told him as much as I could about him and that he and George were friends.

"I hope I shall be able to live in his and that other one's company," he said.

I said I knew little about Branscombe but that his father had an estate in Kent and that he had sisters and my brother Torquil probably knew them. I said no more as I wondered what might occur if a bride of Torquil's knew he already had a fine son, my nephew beside me.

When we arrived at the Hall we made our way straight to the kitchen. Although we had already supped the walk had made us hungry again. As usual there was bustle and the maids were also preparing things for the evening meal. We just stood there and Mrs Gray said she would have pity on us and laughed as we bowed our heads and held our hands together in supplication. She found us a bowl of hot stew each and a slice of mutton pie and while we were eating in the breakfast room Benjy came in with a worried look on his face.

"That new boy," he started, "that Eamonn, he's not well. I think Mr Lancelot should examine him but he's frightened and says he has no money."

"What's he frightened about?" I asked, "And you know my cousin cares for all in this house."

Benjy nodded. "I think he has the worms as he scratches his arse all the time but he is also very red at the front."

"I don't think he's doing what you like doing to yourself... ...and others," said Robin emphatically, "He can be no more than eleven or twelve."

Benjy shook his head. "He tells me he has passed his fourteenth birthday but he still sounds like a young boy and down there..." He shrugged his shoulders. "...He is like I was at ten or so."

"No bush?" I asked. Benjy shook his head. "And?..." Benjy held up his hand and measured along the first joints of his little finger.

"Where is he from?" Robin asked.

"Oh, he's from that old farm about a mile from Miss Barnes." I knew where he meant. The old farmer had died some two years previous and there was dispute over ownership and it was now just rack and ruin. There was no work for the farmhands who had left and found work where they could elsewhere. "There's one hovel still lived in," Benjy continued, "There is a poor woman with five children and a husband who spends his time and money in the inn. There were eight but three died in the fever this last year and Eamonn is the eldest. Your Aunt sent the boy to your Mother and he works hard but he is weak and cries himself to sleep each night. I think he is a good boy and I want to help."

I knew Benjy was good-hearted as he had often asked Mrs Gray for food for an old crone who lived by his parents' cottage.

"Do not worry," I said, "My cousin said he is invited for dinner tonight so I will talk to him then."

At least Benjy looked happier as he went back to the kitchen and hadn't been battered by Robin for waking me so kindly!

We decided then to take Blaze and Silver down to the main stables as Father had said last night he was putting together a number of hunters for sale to a Lord Somebody whose sons were having them for a present at Christmas and that there were new foals from two of our draught-horses and they needed names. One was a filly. The other a boy colt. It was my task to name them.

It was sad as Tarquin neighed and shook his mane as we saddled our mounts. I said to Bobby Brewer that he should accompany us as he had finished his main duties. He saddled Tarquin who whinnied his pleasure now.

Six hunters were being prepared when we arrived. All were well grown and looked powerful. Their coats were glossy and their hooves blackened. One of the stablehands was plaiting a mane and Father was looking quite proud. "I have asked a good price and the old skinflint has agreed!" he said quietly as Robin and I approached him, "Now get in that stable over there and I want two good names." Father's manner could be quite gruff at times but today it meant he was pleased.

I loved our draught-horses. They were huge and Uncle Dodd had said they were the horses which knights of old could ride in full armour. Now they pulled the plough or the heavy carts but they were the gentlest of beasts. The two foals were still with their dams, Grace and Mercy, and looked so small against their mothers. Of course, as we looked the young colt's pizzle came out of it's sheath and it passed a gallon or so of piss. I pointed. "As you and that beast just about match in size you can name him and I think the filly is Dido."

Robin was most unsporting. He whispered he was sure my hole was the same size as Dido's cunny and I might enjoy a good length like Goodwife Rogers. He would name his equal Jason.

Father was most amused at the names but didn't ask why we were laughing when we told him. It was then that Erasmus Dodd rode up on a decrepit old mare. Had we seen his brother? He had a parishioner who had taken a tumble from a roof and was bleeding. He had staunched the wound but wanted Lancelot to see the man as he said he had pains inside. We replied that we had left him a good hour ago and he was then on his way to see old man Jennings. Erasmus thanked us and rode off as fast as the old horse could go. "He is a good man," my Father said, "But he has a single mind. He is not certain but thinks we might be all raised up in nineteen hundred, then he said it might be in two thousand. I said I doubted I would be here for either date and would have to raised up from my mouldering bones. He said he would pray for my unbelief." He laughed. "You boys had better see if your wings have started sprouting though I doubt if Heaven is your destination!"

"Father, that is unkind," I said with a grin on my face, "But I think those bumps on Robin's head might be his horns beginning." I reached out and rubbed the top of his head and he sneered at me. I thought my quip was a good recompense for him calling my arsehole a girl's thing. But then, I still had to explore such matters and I'd heard Black Jack say he had used both a girl and a boy for his pleasure.

Father was in a good mood and a shilling each was flicked over to us. "And on your way back from Mistress Fuller's tell Barker there'll be a good dozen to shoe on Monday."

Goody! Some bullseyes and toffee from that shop and I could find some cottons or pretty buttons from the draper's for my Mother. She would not use them but they would go in her box of things for the maids or to take on her visits to the poor in the village.

We rode back to the village and bought our goods. Robin had a toffee apple for each of his brothers and I added two fat bullseyes each for them as well. At the forge the two lads had a bullseye each and Mr Barker said he hoped he had enough iron for the shoes as the carter still had not brought his order. Isaac said his father always complained but they did have enough he was sure. We watched as the lads finished making a fine iron stand for umbrellas and sticks which Mr Flaxman the inn-keeper had ordered.

It was quite dark when we returned and left our horses with Bobby Brewer at the home stable and walked along to the back of the Hall. Benjy was sorting bottles in the pantry as we went in through the kitchen door and said there were a dozen for dinner tonight and it was a good roast pig as the main platter but the boy Eamonn was turning the spit and scratching his arse at the same time. "At least you should be pleased it's not your task," Robin said, "You wouldn't be able to scratch at your prick with Mrs Gray in the kitchen watching as you do hiding in the pantry! Twice today so far, eh?" Benjy just sneered and waved a bottle of best port at us. I said he shouldn't do that as it needed to be decanted carefully. What he then said would have made an innocent boy's ears sizzle!

We were laughing as we went into the kitchen. My, didn't it smell good. As Benjy had said there was a good-sized roasting pig before the fire. Young Eamonn was slowly turning the handle and singing softly to himself as Mary Ann was basting it with hot fat. Timmy was standing at the table with Mrs Gray and chopping some greenery. I heard him say that a mixture of oatmeal, red wine and herbs could be sown in the piglet's cavity and it would flavour the meat and it was a favourite receipt at Milord Harford's grand house. Mrs Gray said she had heard of that but had not dared do it but she would ask my Mother. I licked my lips and said I would make Timmy my cook if he had more ideas like that. Mrs Gray said I might find myself on the spit if I didn't like her dishes. I knelt down and asked her forgiveness. "Master Tom, you are as bad as those brothers of yours. I do miss them though. Your brother Torquil hasn't visited us for a good two years, I hope he is well."

I didn't like to say he was probably sniffing round Branscombe's sister's petticoats but I did say my Mother had had a letter from him and he hoped to be at Aunt Wright's for New Year. That reminded me as Mother had said Terence would be there as well and I must ask him about Pullen's moustache and to ask Torquil if he still had more stripes on his backside than on his sergeant's arms.

I could see that Timmy was fitting in well. Mrs Bottom said he would be dressed in a livery this evening and be shown how to serve at table by Mr Clements. I asked who would be at dinner and found as well as the family, Mother, Father and me with Uncle and Aunt Dodd and Lancelot, we would joined by Squire and Mrs Matthews and the Jeffersons. I guessed that would be Mr and Mrs Jefferson with their unmarried daughter Millicent and their youngest son Algernon. They lived some twenty miles away in a grange Mr Jefferson had inherited from his father. He and my Father had been boys together but, whereas Mr Jefferson had studied Law at Cambridge University, Father had taken on the farm and stud at eighteen when Grandfather fell ill and had to take full control when he died just a few years later. Mr Jefferson had been a Common Serjeant in London until he retired and Father said there was nothing common about him, he was the most singular of men. I liked Mr Jefferson, he hunted with Father and old Squire Matthews whenever possible and he was full of jokes and quips. Mrs Jefferson was short and plump, and so was her daughter Millicent, and they were both jolly as well.

However, I was always wary of Algernon. He had been at school at Rugby and was now in his second year at Cambridge. Whenever they came to dinner they had always stayed overnight and I had often shared a bed with Algernon. He had told me once when I was ten and he was fifteen or so that if I pulled at my pizzle it would shrivel and fall off. I had no idea what he meant and was rather shocked when that was exactly what he did soon after we were in bed. When I asked him if that was bits falling off when I felt a wetness hitting me he just laughed and said he had plenty left and it hadn't all fallen off yet. Over the years I had learned that boys lied to each other and that even my brother Terence did, too.

When Algernon had stayed for the last New Year's Hunt he had sneered when I said I would be going to Ashbourne in the autumn. He said I was obviously not a very good student, nor very hardy as they played very rough games at Rugby and as a Prefect his greatest delight had been tickling the arses of the fags with his cane and it was a pity I wasn't going there and a second pity he wouldn't be there now to tickle my arse and hoped they had good Prefects at Arse-burn. I got my own back as I 'accidentally' thumped him in his balls when I turned over in the bed. I was a good student and learned at least three new words! At least tonight he would have his own room and could pull on his shrinking pizzle as I had noted then to his discomfort that at just on fourteen I was expanding as he was waning. He said he was happy with his length as it was and was quite sure any young lady would be glad of its attention.

Robin was also happy to be left in the kitchen. He knew there would be plenty of good food and he could make himself useful helping. He was a great favourite anyway with Mrs Gray and the maids and had written letters to her sons for Mrs Bottom so was welcome there, too. I took a candle and went up to my bedroom. I would have to wash again and soon Benjy came up with a pitcher of hot water. He said he was too busy to stay and wash the baby's bottom so I said I had seen my cousin about to cut up one of the colts' balls and I would know exactly where to slice if he didn't behave. He said he would make certain my portion of soup had been widdled in by Mrs Jefferson's pet spaniel and I gave him a bullseye and said that was better to suck on than Algernon's little pizzle. We had shared laughs about Algernon and his airs and the smallness of his cock and what was rumoured about one delight we boys had not dared to try. I think we liked each other as Benjy had often confessed although he had three older sisters he missed not having a brother to joke and jape with. Why, oh why was I supposed to be higher in Society than such a good lad? He pursed his lips as he left the room and blew me a kiss. Cheeky lad as well.

I stripped off and washed myself down. I had purloined another piece of my sister Peg's soap from the container in her old room. At least I would vie with Mrs Jefferson and her scent bottle and not smell of old clothes like Mrs Matthews. I was just drying myself when Benjy knocked and came in. A message from my mother. Please bring my flute down as there would be music after dinner. I chased Benjy out when he said the only music I would likely produce would be a few good farts after the amount I usually ate. Good job I got back into my room quickly as Phyllis one of the housemaids was in the corridor with a pile of clean linen. I didn't think I wanted my pizzle discussed by a gaggle of young girls... Yet!

The sooner I had some new clothes the better. I must be growing daily but then I had eaten quite an amount since last night and had to breathe in to button my trousers at the top. Algernon would be in evening clothes and I had not yet been elevated to those and if he said anything about still being a young boy I would be minded to display my hard pizzle at him and challenge him to match that!! Better still I would send to London for my champion, Jabez Bottom, who would win any duel of that sort! Oh, all these thoughts so my trousers were even tighter and I hadn't thrust my flute down the front.

I was just down the stairs carrying my flute-box when the gong sounded. All the others must be in the Library and Mr Clements smiled and pointed in that direction with the stick. I scurried into the Library just as they were all assembling. I was paired with old Mrs Matthews who smiled at me for once. I wasn't a foul peasant tonight. That was how I heard her describe poor daft Patrick O'Meery who had been left behind by a tribe of travellers years ago and was wont to down his britches and shit whenever he had the need. No one took notice as he was harmless and did not even drink like the usual band of travellers and sang peculiar songs in his high tenor voice which earned him a penny or two. In fact Mrs Matthews said I had grown and reminded her of her wonderful son so many miles away. Her son? I would have to try and write down all the odd relationships in the village but not show Rogers the constable as Lem... Better not mention that.

Lancelot came in then looking rather hot and bothered. Though the other gentlemen were in evening clothes he was still in day trousers with one of my Father's frock coats a size or so too big. He apologised saying he had just got back from attending the poor man who had fallen off the roof. Mrs Edwards shuddered and clutched me as he said the man had broken at least two ribs and he was worried in case he was bleeding inside. His other worry was that Mrs Rogers was calling out in pain and the midwife was with her but he had left a soothing draught for her. Aunt Matty said he should keep his patients' affairs until he was with them and not air them in genteel society. His look at his Mother was priceless as Aunt Matty was always free with her gossip when in the genteel company of my Mother and he and she both knew it. But then Aunt Matty was having a joke at his expense as she and Mrs Jefferson burst out laughing which I knew was not too ladylike. Algernon looked as if he had just trodden in a pile of dog mess, not because he had my Mother on his arm, but this jesting was beneath his contempt.

Unfortunately as he stepped off to lead my Mother in he stood on Toby's paw and, although small, Mrs Jefferson's King Charles spaniel was a spirited creature and nipped his ankle. Algernon disgraced himself by shouting out 'Shit!' and kicked at the dog who ran cowering to it's owner. I giggled, his sister Millicent giggled, my Mother giggled and Father and Mr Jefferson guffawed. Old Squire Matthews being rather deaf looked around wondering what the merriment was. Uncle Dodd was trying hard not to laugh and pointed at me to lead the way into the dining room with old Mrs Matthews as I was the youngest gentleman. Lancelot was bemused as he was not certain if he was with Mrs Jefferson or Millicent. Luckily Millicent grabbed his arm and the procession entered the dining room.

I smiled as we had three footmen with Mr Clements our butler tonight. Timmy looked very neat in his livery and I could see he was proud he had been chosen. I wondered again at those fine features of his, like the son of some dark warrior I had read about in a book of boy's stories. Benjy had tutored him well and he held tureens and dishes carefully as Benjy and Jackson spooned out the soup or the viands. Everyone chattered on as we ate. I was between Mrs Edwards and Millicent. She whispered that her brother was an awful prig and she was rather glad the dog had nipped him. I didn't dare say it would have been even better if the dog had widdled in his soup and by the way he was spooning it into himself, and taking a second helping, he could have supped on Jason's contribution as well. I did say we had named the two new young foals as I knew she loved riding and horses and was always at our stables with her father. She was interested when I told her that Robin would be joining me at school. Of course, Robin's story was well-known and she said she was glad things were turning out well for him. I liked Millicent and I wondered why she wasn't married. I think she was twenty-five and her three elder sisters were all married and had children. I didn't think Terence would be interested as he said he had no desire to get married as women, on the whole, bored him. Torquil was different as I had observed even last year at Aunt Wright's how he had continually sidled up to any young lady who was momentarily without her beau. But then, he might be meeting Branscombe's sisters.

Everything was very jolly as each new course appeared. The roast sucking pig was a great success and I had a good helping of that. Old Squire Matthews wheezed and coughed especially when he took great draughts of the good claret. Terence had once said he was too mean to buy good wine for himself so drank like a fish whenever out. I asked Terence how he knew what fish drank as they lived in water anyway. I got away as he couldn't chase me because of his broken leg. I did make the mistake of standing too close when I gave him another dish of tea and got held and tickled and put over his good knee and had my arse smacked. He said he wouldn't be able to do that much longer as I was getting too big though there was plenty of arse to be smacked. I missed Terence as we did have many laughs. The exception was when I had found a big spider in the stable and dropped it on his shoulder so it ran down his jacket. Terence might be a soldier ready to fight an enemy but he was truly frightened of that creature and I had to say I was sorry. Of course, I found two toads in my bed later when he was able to move more freely. I took them carefully to the pond by the stable and they croaked their thanks. I wondered if they had jewels in their foreheads as I remembered the story my Mother had read to me when I was little.

At the end we all went into the drawing-room as there was to be entertainment. My Mother and Aunt Matty sang duets and Millicent played a piece by an Austrian called Haydn on the fortepiano. I played a country dance on my flute and Millicent accompanied me in a favourite of mine by Mr Handel. After that Mrs Jefferson sang 'Where'er You Walk'. We were surprised when Squire Matthews said he would sing and even more astonished at his good voice as he sang 'O Ruddier Than the Cherry' which amused us greatly as he put great expression into it. Even Lancelot was persuaded to make a contribution. He said he could not sing but he acted out the soliloquy from Hamlet 'To Be or Not To Be'. Algernon remained quiet and I could see he was quite fuddled with drink. He had two good-sized glasses of brandy even while the little concert was on. My Mother noted his condition and when it was time to make our way to bed she signalled to Benjy and Jackson to help him to his room. I said goodnight to everyone and found I was last in the room as even Mr Clements had gone to light Squire and Mrs Matthews to their coach.

I wanted my bed. I plucked a lighted candle from a sconce and found a candlestick and made my way upstairs. I was tired but content and was muttering to myself as I set the candlestick down and stripped off all my clothes happy to free myself from their tightness. The fire was blazing and the room was hot and I was warmed from the wine and the food. I pissed drowsily in my pot in the commode, snuffed out the candle and crawled into bed without even thinking of putting my nightshirt on. I nearly fell out again. Not two toads this time but a warm naked boy like me who caught hold of me and pulled me to him. It was my Robin. He had stayed to help wash the crockery in the scullery and needed a bed for the night. He was more than welcome. We didn't speak after that but kissed and hugged and felt each other's sturdy stems. Without saying we pushed the covers away and twisted and turned and licked and sucked and filled our throats with new churned cream. It was an act we had not dared before but we knew now that it would be repeated often. We shared our gifts and in each other's arms slept soundly.

I woke first. A crowing cock. I smiled. I had a growing cock and pressed to me was another. The cock crowed again, the pressed cock stirred and grew more. Gently I woke him and as we smiled at each other in the just dawning day we crowed, too. Softly into each other's ears we pledged our undying love. Tenderly we held each other and with slow movements we stroked then spread our seed on each other with fingertips as we shared again those wonderful feelings and fondness.

We had much to tell each other and for an hour chatted and caressed, giggled and grasped and were ready for another release when there was a gentle tap on the door. Robin snuggled down under the feather-stuffed coverlet and Benjy came in crying. He was wearing only a torn shirt, ripped nether garment and his white stockings. I scrambled out of bed and went to him.

"Oh, Tom, that boy has done things to me," he sobbed, "I thought he meant just to have some good sport." He sniffed. Then looked open-eyed as another naked boy appeared. "Oh, Robin, what has he done to me?"

We got him to the bed and stripped him bare. His back was reddened and there were three scarlet weals across his buttocks.

"He is quite drunk," he said as he sniffed and quivered as we held him, "But he said he would show me how boys had played at his school. I took my coat and britches off as I thought it might be just a game and when I looked at him he was naked and came at me with his cane. He is strong and he tied me to the bed and as I said I would not play he hit me and slapped me and said I was another naughty boy and pulled down my clothes and hurt me with that cane while he took more and more sips from a silver flask. He tried to push at me with his pizzle but he could not get it hard so he hit me again and tore my shirt and fell on the floor and is still there snoring. I tried and tried to get free and it only made the ropes tighter. I lay still over the bed and gradually I eased one hand away." He sniffed loudly again. "Oh, Master Tom what I am to do? I shall be dismissed!"

"No you won't be," I said. I looked at Robin. "Ready?" He nodded. I told Benjy to stay and be quiet. Algernon was in Torquil's old room and was at the end of the passage. I picked up a box I knew would be useful. Robin grinned.

The naked beast was still snoring curled up on the floor with the silver flask beside him. He was uncurled and only grunted and twitched as I painted green rings round his teats and strange patterns over his chest and belly. As Robin stretched his little pizzle he made that blue with yellow circling the skin round his end. I used red again to rouge his cheeks and his eyebrows were made even blacker. I did manage to put a little orange on his top lip but he was beginning to stir so we scurried off carrying Benjy's tailcoat, britches and shoes. I knew Jackson would be along with his pitcher of hot water at seven o'clock.

We went back to Benjy who was still sniffing and shivering. I found him a clean shirt and a set of undergarments which I had outgrown. We assured him nothing would happen and he had better go up to his cubby-hole and change into his day clothes and appear in the kitchen as if nothing had occurred. Knowing Benjy I was certain he could play the innocent.

It wasn't long before there was shouting and swearing enough to wake all the household. We slipped our nightgowns on and went out into the passage. There was a naked Algernon at his door holding the flask with a laughing Jackson and two giggling housemaids. "Why are you laughing at me?" he shouted, "I'll have you dismissed! If I want to sleep on the floor I will!" He turned around displaying the big yellow circles Robin had managed to paint on his arsecheeks when he wriggled around. The two girls screeched and pointed as the door slammed shut. The girls saw us and rushed off towards the servants' stairs. Jackson came along hardly able to stand as he was shaking with merriment.

"And which of you decorated young Mr Jefferson?" he managed to say.

We held our hands up and clasped them prayerfully. Of course, both of us were paint stained. "Here take this," he held up the pitcher he hadn't been able to deliver, "Might be useful. Your secret's safe! I'll go and get another for the Painted Lady." He went off still chuckling.

We washed and dressed and Robin said he would go to the kitchen and I should appear in the breakfast room. "Anyway, after last night I'm hungry," he said.

The older Jeffersons were in the breakfast room with Millicent. I was greeted heartily and all said what a good evening it had been and they would be having a dinner in the New Year but I found it would be after I went back to school. I sat next to Millicent with my full plate of sliced bacon and eggs scrambled with butter. She had the same and went for more after I had started eating.

"Can't think where that brother of mine is," she said as she sat down, "He's usually the first down for breakfast. It's a puzzle."

I didn't like to say it was more likely a pizzle problem than a puzzle problem. Washing my paint off would take a little time. Aunt Matty had given me that box for a birthday present and as I wasn't a good artist most of the little pots were still well-filled with oily paint. I thought I would pass it on to Philip who would make better use of it. Still, this morning was a good use!

Jackson came in with another pot of tea. As he put it in front of me he just said "Good morning, Master Tom, I hope you slept well. A warm bed is needed on a cold night so I assume the warming pan was to your liking." I would have words with Master Jackson later. He was well aware Robin had been my 'warming pan'! I hoped he wouldn't be too hard on Benjy when he heard he had more or less succumbed to Algernon's blandishments even though the outcome was not pleasant for him. I couldn't ask Lancelot to inspect his back and buttocks but I did have that bruise lotion in my apothecary's box. Ow! I had forgotten to ask Lancelot to look at young Eamonn but I would see him in Church this morning. Ow! again. I would have to remember to take my flute and hope there weren't any new hymns to play.

We finished breakfast and were just leaving the room when my Mother came in and was greeted and thanked for the splendid evening. Just then a scowling Algernon came along. He still had remnants of the black paint on his eyebrows and there was a smear of redness below his left ear on his cheek. I saw Millicent look at him strangely but she said nothing. He saw me - all innocent, of course, - and I was ignored and he greeted the others sullenly. His father told him to eat quickly as they needed to leave as they were going straight to a neighbour's for luncheon. My Father then appeared. He had already breakfasted and had been to the stables and looked most hale and hearty. Algernon was able to slip away and eat. I went with the Jeffersons to the Library where they waited fairly impatiently for their son. I showed Millicent a new map of London which Aunt Fanny Wright had sent to my Mother and had marked where the best emporia were for spending money - as Father said!

"I was born there," she said pointing to a road off a green square which had Lincoln's Inn Fields printed over it. The road had Great Queen St along it. "I miss London, I have not been back for five years and Father says it is for the best. He says it is too dirty and the smoke and fogs are not good for health."

I said we would be going for New Year to stay with Uncle and Aunt Wright and I hoped to visit my sister Harriet who lived near St Paul's. I said I also had the address of a school-fellow in Gower Street and two others who would be staying with their grand-parents off Hanover Square. I said they were twins but really lived in Paris but did not like the roughness of the sea especially in winter. She said I would be busy but not to wander around without a good companion. I said I had been chased last year and kept to the house unless we were all going out. I guessed I could have Jabez as a guide on these excursions.

At last Algernon was ready and their carriage was standing at our main door with the horses stamping and whinnying. "Horses, like parents, do not like to be kept waiting," I heard Mr Jefferson say as he hugged my Father in farewell. He shook hands with me and winked and I had a half sovereign in my hand. Mrs Jefferson kissed me and I shook hands demurely with Millicent who just grinned and wrinkled her nose. Algernon got in the carriage the other side. We were all ignored. Luckily he didn't see but Robin and Benjy were peeping out of a window and making long noses at him.

We saw the carriage off down the drive and as we turned my Father put his strong arm round my shoulder. "At least none of my boys would ever be like that nincompoop. We had a good laugh though." I knew he meant last night with the dog and 'that word'. He didn't know there had been much more laughter this morning.

The maids were still laughing amongst themselves when I went to the kitchen to see if all were ready to walk to the village for church. Luckily the church was at the end of our drive as the old Varleys who had started to build our house sometime in the fourteen hundreds had argued with the priest about who owned the land. By the time the priest had complained to the Bishop the original house was built and the Varleys had made a present of money to the King, so when the Bishop complained.... All this was according to Uncle Dodd who said there was a deal of power in money and he only wished sometime he saw more. He always laughed when he said this and said what were wives for other than to spend it as soon as it came in the door.

Mrs Gray said she and Mary Ann would stay to see we would be fed after but the rest could go. She had to shout at the two younger maids who were still giggling and I heard the older one say 'When I was a little boy I had but little..." before they burst out laughing again. These were the two who had seen a naked painted Algernon and had spied his 'little wit'! Benjy, Robin and Timmy were looking on with disdainful looks on their faces as if they would not deign to know what the mirth was about. I didn't see young Eamonn but when we walked to church Robin told me he had been sent home with a parcel of food for his mother and his little brother and sisters. He would be back later. That meant Lancelot could inspect him before dinner tonight as I expect he would be here ready to eat up leftovers from last night.

Mr Venables the village barber and shoemaker, cordwainer as he called himself, was an excellent musician and had taught most in the village band to play. There were four fiddles including Mr Venables and Robin, three flutes with me, a new brass trumpet with pistons and a rather battered sackbut which Uncle Dodd said should be replaced, a shawm and a bassoon, another strange bass wind instrument called a serpent, two gamba viols and a big bass viol which Mr Barker would attack with gusto today as he alternated his Methodists with us. If we managed to keep in tune we didn't do too badly but our major problem was old man Jenkins who had been a huntsman in his native Wales and blew a horn. Uncle Dodd had bought a new one for him as the old one could only play notes safely if the hymn or dance tune was in C. The new one had three extra crooks which had to be changed but he could now play notes at least in C, F, G and D. His problem was knowing when to change and which crook to use. His son Bryn who played the sackbut could be heard telling him loudly but we often had a real clash in sound when he got it wrong!

I thought if my brother did buy me a new flute I could give Benjy my old one and Mr Venables could teach him. He was already giving lessons on the fiddle and the clarinet to Robin's younger brothers and had two of the village girls learning the flute rather than the squeaky recorders they already had.

The church was very full when Squire and Mrs Matthews arrived, as always, last and with great ceremony shown to their boxed pew by the churchwardens. Squire Matthews would then settle down to have a sleep and complain if the band played too loud. We always played loud and kept a count of his snores and his complaints. Uncle Dodd said he would like to see the Archangel Gabriel waking him up when the last trumpet blew!

Uncle never kept to the reading for the day when he launched into his sermon as he generally took some local incident or other to expound on in his interesting way. Today he spoke of new life and old death as Mrs Rogers had produced a son the night before just at the time when old Goodman Jennings had died. There was quite a murmur around at the news especially of the child. I looked at Robin who was perched on his chair and nearly fell off when Kate Benbow the midwife's daughter, who also played the fiddle, whispered the baby had ginger hair. Wow! We all knew who had a bright mop of red hair! Lem... Hush. Uncle Dodd was saying that at all new birth we should always give praise and perhaps we should forget such things as the sins of the fathers passing down. He didn't quite say it was a wise father who knew his own child but said as a father he always gave praise for the gifts such a relationship gave. There was no doubt Lancelot was Uncle's child! The nose, the eyes, the quirky smile were copied exactly with a hint of Aunt Matty's determined chin! He linked the birth to that of the Christ Child and said we would soon be celebrating that event and we should all think kindly of any poor child who knew not what his life would be.

Young Jamie Jennings who sat next to me was sniffing. He would miss his great- grandad who had taken him fishing whenever he could. I had a sticky bullseye in my pocket which I gave him. Probably the wrong thing as it would make him dribble into his flute. He did smile when Uncle Dodd said he remembered how the old man had tackled a runaway steer which threatened to barge through the window of Mistress Fuller's shop when it saw it's reflection. He would get a wigging after from Aunt Dodd as he made everyone laugh when he said he wondered if Mistress Fuller cleaned the window less often now in case of another runaway. As Mistress Fuller was prim and very precise a clean window would be a grave matter of principle! So our service continued and there was a fervent 'Amen' after the prayer which finished 'and in the world to come life everlasting'.

We all had to wait until Squire Matthews was up and trundling out. He was particularly slow today and we could hear him complaining loudly to Uncle Dodd at the door that he should speak up as he couldn't hear. Peter Grayling who played the new brass trumpet said he could have his old one and use it as an ear trumpet which set most of the band off giggling. As I was getting hungry I got up and started down the stairs which meant all the rest followed and we went out of the vestry door once we had collected coats and hats. As we walked up the side path we could hear Zebediah haranguing the congregation as they came out.

His service at the Baptist Chapel must have been shorter than the usual three hours because there he was in black frock coat and trousers waving a big black bible and Praising the Lord for his Goodness and Eternal Damnation to all the Sinners. Robin and I went over to Uncle Dodd who was saying his usual goodbyes to his faithful congregation and waited. Zebediah was on to Sending His Son Into the World for Our Salvation and All Sinners Would Endure the Fires of Hell for Eternal Life Everlasting. As no one was taking any notice and the final stragglers came out he followed them and was still ranting on about Following the True Path for Those Who Thirst After Righteousness and Come to the Lord All Ye That Sin and Crave Forgiveness or Burn in the Ceaseless Torments of Hell. Uncle Dodd was smiling. "After all my talking I think I'm Thirsting. Come to the Rectory and we'll see what we can find." Robin murmured 'Blasphemy, Blasphemy' which earned him an even greater smile and a pretend cuff.

The maids were ready with a hot posset and Uncle Dodd questioned us all on the Catechism. Both Robin and I had been confirmed at Easter with about a dozen others when the Bishop had come. I wondered now if that was Theo's father. After he was satisfied the girls knew their responses we two went with him to his study as he wanted to show us the letters he had received from Mr Ridley and Mr Martin. I managed to ask if it was Bishop Davis and he nodded. All I remembered was a tall man in a great white surplice and bands, with an old-fashioned bag-wig, holding a big staff and placing his hands on my head as I bowed. Of course, the letters were full of praise for two knowledgeable boys who were a credit to his teaching. "But you were willing learners, I hope?" he said.

We stayed longer and had our luncheon with Aunt and Uncle. Robin was truly accepted as family and I realised my formidable-seeming Aunt had a real soft spot for my dear Robin, her great-nephew but in name. She also had his younger brothers in mind, too, as she said Philip would benefit from some lessons with a good drawing master but she was hard-pressed to know of one. She had set him the task of making a fair drawing of each of the busts on the Varley tomb and she was very pleased with the accuracy of the first one he had made. She unrolled the piece of paper and I realised, although I had seen that head and shoulders so many times, I hadn't noticed the way in which the figure stared out. Philip had caught that look exactly. Here he was, twelve, and drawing like a master!

We took our leave and went back to the Hall. Father was in his study and called us in. He also had unrolled paper in front of him. Large sheets weighted down at the corners with an inkwell and brass seal at the top.

"What d'you think of this?" he said waving a hand at a strange drawing. Looking more closely I realised it was a plan of part of the Hall. I assumed the rooms shown were some of the bedrooms but there were pencil lines drawn here and there. All was revealed. "It's your Mother," he said pointing at me, "She thinks we should be like my sister and have a jakes in every room." I knew he meant Aunt Fanny Wright whose London house had a close-stool room off each bedroom with a cistern of water to wash away our debris. Uncle Wright was very proud of this arrangement which he called 'a jakes'. When his house in Curzon Street had been built his architect son had sent him plans from America for 'flushing closets' as he called them. Now it appears that cousin Nicholas had sent these plans for Careby Hall.

I could see then that each big bedroom would have a small room partitioned off. These were the lighter pencil lines. Then each little room would have a pan with a pipe going down - but where? Father shuffled the paper and another piece was underneath. This showed a pipe going out and two arrangements. Either the pipe going straight to the river or to a deep pit.

"Your Mother wants it done quickly," he grumbled "And where is the money to come from? No one has ever complained about having a pot."

Robin coughed. Politely. "Sir, you have to employ at least two boys who have to collect the pots each day and empty them. They have to be washed and carried back and on a hot day...."

Father laughed. "Have you been listening to his Mother? She says the boys are better employed in cleaning the food pots in the kitchen and she is sure their dirty hands are not good flavouring for the food they help to prepare."

I knew cousin Lancelot had the belief that some diseases were not due to miasmas but might be due to getting dirt or other matter into wounds. He said he had heard that sailors swore that cleaning wounds in sea water was good as, although the salt may sting, the wounds tended not to fester and rot. Whether it was the water or the salt or a combination of both he did not know. He was going to experiment.

"So, boys, do I pay out some vast sum so the scullery lads can play cook?"

As all the scullery lads I had known were willing to 'play cock' as well I laughed and said I thought he would be best to obey my Mother.

"I shall have to reduce your allowance then, my boy, to pay towards all this luxury," he laughed. "And what have you to say?" He looked at Robin who was grinning.

"I think, sir, it would be best to obey and I could ask my Father to arrange the building of all these things. I am sure I could persuade him not to charge you double the proper cost like Squire Matthews had to pay for that fallen roof."

This was a well-known story as part of the Manor had collapsed in a storm and the old man had been so incensed he had ordered builders to work twice as hard and twice as quickly so they had retaliated by making their charges twice as much and then left without finishing so Robin's foster-father had been asked to complete the task which was so good the Squire said he wished he had employed him from the start.

"Why do I have to listen to you boys?" my Father grumbled, "I have his Mother and now you two. Still, I am getting a good price for those hunters and I have orders for some thirty or forty old nags a quarter for that new omnibus trade." He twiddled his fingers in front of him as if counting and I knew there were no 'old nags' to tarnish his reputation. "With two young boys digging those trenches in recompense for all the food they consume I might just be able to afford it. You'll have to buy your own shovels, though!"

Father was in a good mood. "Tell your Father to come and see me in the morning," he said to Robin, "The sooner this is started the less I shall hear from his Mother."

Just then there was a commotion along the corridor. Mr Clements came along shaking his head.

"Sir, Jarvis is out there saying he and the men have caught three of those travellers trying to steal horses but he was hit and is bleeding."

Mr Jarvis was one of the head grooms and had worked faithfully for Father for many years. Both his daughters had worked for my Mother but were now married and had a tribe of young boys between them.

"Right, I'll be there. You boys run and see if Lancelot is at Matty's and get him here, if not ride over to his house. I suppose that bloody Rogers is drunk. We need a new constable. I'll see the buggers hanged for this!"

Father and bad language were usually strangers but he was now very angry. Having horses stolen was always a danger with such a large farm and stud as ours but even I knew that horse-stealing and wounding were major crimes when put together!

To be continued: