A JOURNEY CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION.
As I look back over my life and recall various thoughts, emotions and interactions, I can honestly say that I have been physically attracted to both women and men. I would be lying if I said I've never questioned my sexuality, but after a lot of self-reflection the best I could up with is that I am mostly a heterosexual man. What has always been with me from as far back as I can remember is that other self; that self that is interested in other males. From the 'you show me yours and I will show you mine' and 'doctor and patient' type games as a kid, to explorations through my teens and eventually to actually hooking up with guys for sex, my interest in males has been ever present. It is interesting to be able to see how this definite thread running through my life has developed and how what turns me on, my attractions and preferences, have shifted over the years.
Once I had met the right girl and lost my virginity, my focus was definitely upon female flesh. Like the new toy in the toy box, it was all I wanted to play with. However, I never stopped having fantasies involving other males and would often dip into gay porn. Initially, I accepted it as being my little kink and was comfortable in myself that I had this attraction to men and women, choosing to ignore terms like straight, bi or gay. The more you label the more confused you get and I didn't feel that I belonged in any of those boxes. I didn't consider myself Heterosexual, Bisexual or Homosexual... Just Sexual.
Through my late twenties and in to early thirties, my interest in men steadily grew. I began fantasising about men, watching more gay porn and lusting for cock. I looked to my youth and saw in context how those early games and explorations were the roots to where my thoughts were now drifting. Undeniably my first sexual awakenings were with other boys. However, my relationships had always been with girls. So, what's going on?
In looking back at experiences from youth to adulthood, it has been interesting reflecting upon the path I took. Although not always deliberate and on occasions not even of my own volition, I have to say that I have no regrets. I think because I was open minded and keen to explore I initiated, gravitated to and on some occasions let myself get drawn into some very interesting experiences. You could say living by the philosophy of going with the flow and not letting notions of right or wrong get in the way of having a good time.
As time went by my desire to be with another man gathered momentum, fantasising was not enough and I had to have sex with a man. The more I began to lust after men, to find the male body more of a turn on, the more filthy my fantasies became. This desire became overwhelming and I started to look online for articles about straight guys attracted to other men and those that had had sex with other men. I read article after article about guys with girlfriends and even married, who'd done just that. I realised there were many guys who thought like me and more importantly, acted on it. Straight guys who enjoyed being with other men.
But, this shouldn't make sense... Why are straight guys having sex with other men? In reading what those men had to say, I in some way started to make sense of it all or at the very least how it applied to my own circumstance; That what I wanted to experience from a man was specifically physical and that it was very different to and should not interfere with what I sought from and the relationship I had with girls, that I had a need sexually that I could only get from another man.
As to why I have sex with other men, I can summarise by saying that it feels, smells and tastes so good. Regarding thoughts on masculinity, I do not prescribe to the notion that wanting to be with another man is in any way being less masculine, far from it. In fact, I feel sexually the most masculine on those occasions with other men. There is a physical quality, a rawness and heat that I don't get from other women. This is not to downgrade in anyway sex with women. Don't get me wrong, straight sex is amazing; flirting, foreplay, the whole interaction between a man and women is fantastic. But sex with men and sex with women I find are quite different. Expectations, wants and needs are very different.
My experiences with men revealed another aspect to my sexuality that I hadn't experienced with females. Being in a room, naked with other men, being a male body against another male body, the smell and taste of men, is profoundly masculine. I found these purely male interactions amplified masculinity; I discovered a raw, primal aspect to my sexuality and felt stronger, more potent. Having faced this realisation, now when I think of men, instantly my heart pounds and my cock hardens. Being with a man had unleashed a primal lust. Being with another man made me more of a man.
Maybe being in a long-term straight relationship, maybe reaching 40, whatever, but I started going over and to fantasise about past experiences. Reliving them became a real turn on. At night, in bed I would let these past experiences play out in my mind, like a movie. I would replay over and over a particular scene and focus on the sequence of events, going into detail, editing out anything that interfered with the flow of the story and adding a touch of artistic license where I felt necessary. In doing so I also began to recall lustful teenage fantasies, the girls and boys I fancied and various kinky imaginings from my youth. I even went so far as to place these real and imaginary events in chronological order, the stories crossing over and developing until you could say, I had created a box set.
Recently, I started to write these stories down; an account of my sexual journey and associated erotic fantasies. As a collection of stories there is a bias to the homo-erotic with most involving boys and men that span my youth through to adulthood. However there are those that feature long and short-term girlfriends which run parallel and in some cases overlap. But where stories include girls, it is for context or where there is a homo-erotic element. Bear in mind, there is a liberal use of artistic license, that true events have been elaborated upon and various fantasies I have had over the years have been included.
Enjoy.
Author – str8koklvr@gmail.com