Billy Chase 314
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Wednesday
- You know what's weird? Sometimes I feel like I have a bunch of these automatic 'habits' that pop up all on their own and do whatever they want without me even knowing about it ahead of time. Like...some kind of weird social survival instinct. Does that make me a bad person? I don't mean to do it, honestly. It just sorta happens sometimes.
I saw Stevie in the hall today. We were basically just passing each other. We've done it a million times before, and even though we weren't necessarily friends or anything...I kinda figured we would be a little less hostile towards one another from now on. But...as our eyes met in that hall, surrounded by all of these other students...I found myself giving Stevie a 'nod'. I mean...a totally detached 'nod'. Just like all of the other boys in school who were suddenly backing off and doing all they could to avoid any contact with him. Was I no better than they were? I kinda promised Stevie that I'd be on his side in all this. But the second my promise was tested...I failed. And I didn't even have to think about it.
I guess that I've been in the closet for so long that preventing my biggest secret from being exposed has become a random knee jerk reaction. I doubt that I could turn it off if I tried. And I don't know if I felt good about that or not.
I talked to Jimmy about it just before lunch. We hadn't been talking much these days, but with school work becoming such a burden these days, we haven't had much free time to do anything. I basically asked him what it was like when he first came back to school. He's like, "Well...it's kind of hard to say. I mean, it was one of the scariest moments of my whole life, having to step my foot through those school doors again for the first time. I half expected to get lynched on the first day."
I'm like, "I can imagine. But you came out of it ok, right?"
He says, "You don't see any tears in my eyes, do ya?" He grinned. Then he's like, "It took some getting used to...having everybody know about me. But once you start down that road, it just gets easier. You get comfortable, you know? And once I stopped pouring all of my energy into keeping it a big secret, I had more energy to put into just being happy. Now it's kind of a non-issue."
I said, "I don't think Stevie is going to get off that easy."
Jimmy said, "Well, I don't know him that well, but coming out is different for everybody. He just needs to realize that what other people feel won't matter in the long run. Ultimately, it's all gonna come down to how he feels about himself. That's where he'll find the strength he needs to hold his head up and keep moving forward."
It made a lot of sense, I guess. But what really threw me for a loop was the feeling that I was asking more for myself than for Stevie's sake. When I thought about it...Joanna and Sam know about me. And that wasn't so bad. Brandon and Bobby know about me, so do Randall and Lee. Even Jamie Cross knows....um....I think. And Simon. Add Jimmy into the mix, and there aren't many people in my life that don't know. There are a ton of familiar faces at school...but do I really know them? Do they really know me? Would it matter, one way or the other, if they were in on the big secret?
It was a passing moment of inspiration. But for just a minute, I wondered what it would be like to just not care anymore. I imagine it must be the best feeling in the world. Besides, it might help me to get more ass in this place. Hehehe!
As Jimmy and I were talking, I happened to notice Bobby Jinette a bit further down the hall from Jimmy's locker. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he darted his gaze down to the floor and pretended not to be looking at me. A few more peeks, and he lingered around for a few moments, fidgeting nervously as he tried to find a 'safe' way to approach me.
Jimmy and I looked at each other with a slight grin. Bobby....God bless him, he could be so adorably awkward sometimes! Hehehe! It was cute though. Jimmy whispered, "Bobby told me what you did." And with a giggle, he was like, "That was mean!"
I said, "It worked, didn't it?"
Jimmy was like, "Yeah, it worked for Bobby. But I just want you to know that I would have spotted your bluff a mile away."
I said, "Is that so?"
He's like, "Oh yeah. No matter how hard you try, Billy Chase...your heart always shines through." Then he's like, "I'll leave you two lovebirds alone to talk."
I shook my head, like, "Dude...don't say stuff like that." But Jimmy just smiled and left me there, eventually giving Bobby the courage to actually come up and talk to me.
He actually looked really pouty and sad at first, clearing his throat as he blushed in front of me. He started to apologize for...well, everything. I didn't let him get the words out of his mouth. I told him that it wasn't important and to forget it. After all, what good would it do me to hold a grudge. I could use all the friends that I can get these days. Besides, a part of me really missed Bobby, you know? Not in a romantic or a sexual way....just...he was on the verge of really blossoming, you know? And then the Ian situation came along, and he went back into his shell again. Hopefully, I'll get to see him smile again.
I was like, "Sooooo.....hehehe...?"
Bobby smiled, and his blush deepened to a dark red. He looked down at his feet and said, "Hehehe, what?"
I'm like, "I'm not gonna let you stall for time while you wait for the next period bell to ring. You talked to Ian. So what's going on with you two? Tell me."
Bobby softly mumbled, "I dunno...." But I didn't let him get away with that. So he was like, "He wants me to be in his movie this Summer." Bobby snickered a little bit, and then he snorted in the cutest way. It was so bashful and sweet that I nearly melted right there in my shoes. I told him how great I thought that was, and I could have taken that moment to give him the old 'I told ya so' routine...but I didn't. After all, he did it all himself. Sure he needed a little push, but I admire someone who can push past the fear and go for what he really wants. It's never an easy thing to do.
I'm like, "So...what's next?"
Bobby shrugged, and he said, "Ian asked me to go to the movies with him this weekend."
So I'm like, "And you said 'YES', right?"
Bobby winced a bit, and he bit the side of his bottom lip. He was like, "I told him 'maybe'......"
I said, "Maybe??? Don't you want to go to the movies with him?"
Bobby whines, like, "Oh, Billy, of course I do...."
I'm like, "So what the hell did you tell him 'maybe' for???" Ugh! Is he INSANE? I said, "Bobby, the next time you talk to him...just say yes. That's all you have to do. Say yes. He asked YOU. Doesn't that tell you something?" I could see Bobby being so weak inside that he practically had an unrestricted dip in his knees from the very mention of it. I didn't understand why this was so hard. What has Bobby been through where simple interaction has become such a terrifying activity for him. He has everything to gain and nothing to lose at this point. How can he not realize that? He's weird.
Bobby told me that he would try to tell him soon, but as he was almost hyperventilating just talking about it...I'm going to be keeping a close eye on him. Just in case.
Anyway, one more thing happened today. Maybe it was a big thing, maybe not. I find it so hard to tell the difference these days....
I was walking towards my house, already frustrated at the amount of homework that I had to do for tomorrow. And as I was passing Sam's house, I saw him carrying some boxes into his garage. It was a stressful and confusing moment for me. I wasn't sure if I should just keep walking, or say hello, or say I'm sorry, or wait for him to speak first.....it was enough emotional turbulence to make me dizzy in the head.
Sam saw me, and I couldn't really read what his eyes were telling me. Not like I used to. But after a brief pause, he said, "Hey...."
So I'm like, "Hey..."
Was that it? I think that was it. But it was more contact than we've had in a long while. Just looking at him...God, it hurt. I really missed him. And I think he kinda missed me too, but there was this wall of invisible bullshit keeping either one of us from admitting it first. And that sucked. It sucked so much that I almost ran back to his front steps to cling to his leg and BEG him to talk to me again.
But...I guess a shared round of 'heys' was all I could ask for. At least for today. As hot as Sam was, as sexy and alluring as he was...that wasn't what I missed about him. I just wish I could have figured that out a bit earlier.
And yet...just knowing that he said 'hey' to me....just that one word....it broke our silence with the sound of thunder. And I found myself smiling wide by the time I reached my front door. So yeah...I think maybe it was a good thing. Hehehe! Yeah...I think I liked that part of my day.
Ok, I've got six classes that are asking me to perform for them tomorrow! So I'll write more later. Seeya soon!
- Billy
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