This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Copyright 2010 Jade, All Rights Reserved. Permission to post electronically is given to www.nifty.org and its affiliated mirror sites only. Otherwise do not post, copy, or use this story in any manner without my permission.
Always love to hear from you, please let me know what you think @: phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
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In This Cruel World
The month of January seems endless to me, and I feel like things in my life are changing. The novelty of being out has long ago worn off. At home, at school, with friends it doesn't even strike my mind as different anymore. Life really has settled back to normal and announcing my sexual orientation didn't change anything. In that regard I've been truly lucky, I know that. Getting to know Neville and Bailey through MSN chats and emails makes it clear to me that life sure isn't as easy for some as it is for me. But that isn't the change in my life I'm feeling.
It's like my life is a real game of water polo, so much more is going on beneath the surface and it's a constant battle to avoid getting pulled under. With only 5 months left together as `kids' it seems that all anyone can talk about nowadays is the pressure of school and grades and where we we're applying for university. Everyone has a plan, an idea of who they want to be and how to get there, or so they let on. I on the other hand am not prepared. I really have no clue just what I want to be after I graduate high school.
I'm still thinking today, tomorrow, next week. They're all thinking this summer, this fall, the next number of years of their lives. It bums me out that some of my friends, pieces of my life, are so excited to up and leave and start the next chapter in the great adventure of their lives. My forward thinking is still stuck on wishing Benji would be my date for Valentine's Day. Day by day the clock is ticking away on that one. How can I think about university and career paths when the love of my life is really starting to slip through my hands?
While I'm stressed beyond belief one Saturday morning Benji stops by. I'm in my boxers at my desk chatting away with Neville about his plans to become a social worker and the courses he needs to take to get there. After typing something back to Neville about a student housing program he had me look into Benji wraps his right arm around me from behind and rests his chin on my left shoulder. I just want to melt in his embrace.
I intertwine our right hands so that his fingers are laced between mine and take hold of his right bicep with my left hand. Holding me tightly I acknowledge him, "I though I smelled you! How long have you been here? I didn't even hear you sneak in."
"I've been here for a few minutes. I saw Anika down in the grocery store when I was walking in so I helped her bring the bags up," He says, having recently taken to calling my parents by their first names now that he's 17.
"Cool yo, we're making home-made pizzas tonight," I offer.
Benji kisses my ear, then works his tongue over it for a moment for me before we let go of our embrace. I don't know what we're playing at anymore nor do I care to figure it out. I've pushed, I've pulled. Since the encounter at the airport with Benji I've now accepted that the tide of time and the pull of fate are both infinitely greater than my sheer force of will.
Knowing he's undressing behind me I ask, "So what brings you by so early?"
"Tell Neville you have to go for now, I have something to tell you. Nothing earth shattering, but I want you in my arms in our bed when I tell you," He says.
"Our bed? You've left your mark in it over the years Ben, but it's still the cold lonely bed I sleep alone in," I say as he steps out of his jeans and pulls me to it.
He gives me a somber nod.
"Just gimme a sec to sign off with Nev then," I say and do so while he pulls off his socks and gets comfortable.
I close my door and get under the sheets with him. Damn, the bed is getting small for the two of us. But then again, it's not like I want there to be a void between us in it either. He kisses the back of my neck after we twist and turn to get comfortable. I don't care anymore what we are. I'm only flesh and blood. I need the affection he gives me.
"I was up talking with mom last night after we left Tom's place. It was kinda cool to hang out with just him for once, I forgot how funny he is when he actually talks! But that's beside the point. I've finally decided that I want to become a paramedic. It keeps me in the science field more or less, and keeps me moving. Let's face it, a gym teacher needs to be better at communication than I'll ever be and I don't have the patience to ever go all the way as a doctor," he shares.
"So where are you going? Still thinking about sticking around or are you gonna leave me now too," I ask.
"Nope, you're stuck with me Dunc! I'm not going anywhere. If I can't get into that program I'll take something else at UBC or Simon Frasier University until I can transfer into it," He says with contentment.
I turn to face him and start making out. Since coming back from Houston I've given in and allowed him this. We went a week between making out the first time, now we do more regular than that, whenever we get a chance. I'm thinking Katy is finally starting to clue in too. From what he tells me she's trying to turn up the heat a little bit, suggesting that they start practice for their big night at the graduation when they're going to finally have sex.
It's not even jealousy that drives me to this today. Sorry Katy, but your desires don't factor into mine anymore. It's only my personal needs I'm thinking of when I ask him, "You haven't had sex with Katy yet on me have you?"
We seem to be on the same wavelength, "No. Forget about her. This is just you and me right now."
"I know. But I used up my last condoms by myself after Houston because I had no real need for them," I mumble.
OMG, his smile is worth it, "You mean you want to? You're going to let us start having sex again?"
I squeeze the erection trapped in his sexy sports briefs and then slip my boxers off to answer him. Turns out he remembers a stash of condoms in my closet I forgot about. He's just as tender and loving as I remember. I shouldn't let this happen, but the passion is clear. We both need this. Breathing heavily, he finally collapses on me and moves only enough so we can snuggle afterwards. I definitely don't want to go another half a year without being intimate with Benji.
I doze off afterwards, wrapped in pure bliss, waking to the sound of my door being quietly closed. This seems to have stirred Benji too. A look between us confirms that we both know I closed the door before hopping in bed with him.
I can't help but laugh, "Only we could get caught like this by both sets of parents!"
"Do you think it was your mom or dad?"
"Definitely Mom. If the door's even partly closed over dad makes sure to knock first and give me a moment before he enters."
"Well at least she didn't get the show my mom did."
"Oh god no! She knows how it goes, but we don't need her seeing you make love to her son," I scoff.
"Grab a shower before facing the music?"
"Might as well have one together. Then I can talk her down as you run home."
After the shower and we both dress from my closet and dresser before Benji heads home. I still find it endearing that he'll leave his clothes behind for a chance to wear mine. Seeing Benji to the door my mom acts like we're not there, only offering a goodbye when Benji says to have a good day to my parents.
It's a little ironic that Benji and I are the way we are. Aside from me, everyone in his life thinks he's too stoic and devoid of emotion. But take a look at my family. My dad's not overly expressive, probably because of my mom, and my mom could be a Vulcan from Star Trek for all the emotion she displays. Maybe that's why I need lots of personal affirmation from Benji and my friends.
I don't know how to broach the subject with her as I sit on the opposite couch with Dad who's watching curling on T.V. I don't think Mom's all that happy still that I'm gay, but she doesn't let it show. At least she talks to me about it and doesn't make me feel wrong for it.
"Sorry Mom. It just happened. I can't help it; I love him. He came over to tell me he's applying to UBC to become a paramedic and I was so happy that he's staying. I would have really missed him."
"Duncan, honey, I'm upset that he doesn't love you back like you love him. I'm not thrilled that you're sleeping with him. Still, I was your age once, and I know what love is like. But you're father and I always felt the same way to each other. Yours is an unrequited love as far as I'm concerned. That boy needs to understand what a gift your love is to him. You deserve his whole heart in return," My mother says.
I inquire, "So you're not angry?"
"All the time. Every time I washed your sheets when you two were trying to hide it, every time I put a piece of his clothing in the wash now. But I trust that you can handle whatever it happens to be you two are these days. Tell me, do you ever see him coming fully round? Committing something more to you than sex?"
"Yeah. I do. I really do. Even before the sex, his love's always been there. I know it, I've always felt at least that," I say with absolute conviction.
Effectively killing the conversation, my dad clears his throat, "Use a rubber son, unless you two are finally settled. And never flush them. Just wrap them back up and fold them in a tissue."
"We do, the proof is in the garbage pail dad 'cause you'd rather risk discovering it than me flushing it, thereby helping to ruin the ecosystem."
"Good then, good. They don't belong in the water system although a landfill's not much better."
Talking with mom and dad about a condom being on Benji while he's inside me, and throwing it in the trash rather than flushing it isn't exactly my choice conversation. Their son takes it up the bum, they should avoid the subject altogether, right? Even if Dad did drop in his veiled support by the bit about Benji and I being settled. I nod to the t.v. and change the subject, "Who's winning?"
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While lounging in post-coital bliss after another encounter in bed the next week, Benji's the one that finally figures out for me what I should do for school. My friend Jon is applying for business, and planning on declaring a major in either accounting or law. Paul wants to take media studies and either be a sportscaster or combine with his love of music and be an on-air radio personality. Neville's applied for psychology as he wants to be a social worker, and his friend Bailey is thinking about criminology. Having no clue myself, I kick them all around but Benji points my passions out to me.
I'm heavily into languages so he suggests I do something with linguistics. I'm not sure there's a career waiting at the end of it, but it's such a relief to finally have a plan just days before the February 1st university application deadline. It beats simply becoming a teacher like Benji and I always planned as a fallback in lieu of larger dream. Of course I can still fall back on being a French or Spanish or Latin teacher or something if I have to.
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I have a tendency to get down from time to time. Not full on depressed, just blue for a while. Into February now I've snapped out of it. A combination of a few things I suppose, but semi-regular sex with Benji is definitely part of it. A week before Valentine's Day something I always thought to be inevitable happens.
Miso calls me up on the phone all meek one afternoon, "Duncan buddy! Uh, how would you feel, I mean, is it alright with you...here's the thing. I know you know I like Yvonne."
I'm actually laying on my bed with Yvonne at the moment he calls me; we were just discussing what a bitch one of her teachers is. In German of course, because it's just something she and I do, even if neither of us are exactly masters of the language yet. I could have fun listening to Miso painfully try and ask me but I don't, "Stop squirming yo, spit it out already!"
"I know you and her have this thing. I'd really like to ask her to be my valentine," he finally manages.
"Dude, that coo wit me! Here, she's right here. Ima give the phone to her, but a word of advice; she's gonna say yes. Don't fuck it up," I say as Yvonne slugs me in the arm harder than a girl should be able to.
Rather than get sad or mad at her I actually feel happy that she's not only excited about a boy but she's going to date him. When she gets off the phone with Miso I kid her, "For a while there Toivonen I was almost secretly thinking you were a lesbian!"
"Bullshit," she says. Her mastery of English colloquialisms is light years ahead of when we first met. Back then she would have said something like `go play in a pile of manure'. Now she's totally Canadian in her speech, just slightly euro-accented.
I press my luck, "Yeah, especially the way you acted indifferent to Miso's obvious crush on you at first."
She again stresses to me, "I know he likes me too, but he had to prove himself."
I won't let it go, "Not that there's anything wrong with you liking girls. I just wouldn't be able to help you out there. I'm just super happy you likes boys too cause it's gonna be fun to talk about guys with ya."
"Yes, but what you do with a boy and what I would do with one is different," she says, baiting me.
I make her blush badly when I say, "How many times do I have to tell you Toots? When I'm not being the guy I can lay on my back just like you and spread my legs to the sky too! I can do both. And you know I can give you pointers on how to give Miso mind-blowing head. He's lucky you have me!"
She attempts another punch at me but I dodge it as we start into a giggle-fest. She's the most awesome girl I'll ever know, this I'm certain of.
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He may not have been mine for Valentines Day, but later that month at my 17th birthday party Benji again surprises me.
This year my friends drag me down to a restaurant on Davie Street, generally known as the gay village. Go figure, Evan Marshall just happens to be there with some older guy, sitting in the window front of a coffee shop. My friends keep hitting on the server on my behalf, and when he hears it's my birthday he gives me a happy birthday kiss. Evan lurking around and slipping him a twenty dollar bill in plain view in front of me may have helped the guy to actually kiss me. Yuck, the guy is not my type at all.
Benji immediately comes up and plants a nice kiss on my lips in front of everyone and makes a joke, "If his only birthday kisses are going to come from his mother and a stranger than what are best friends for? I at least have known Duncan since we were in diapers and love him like a bro."
At first I don't know whether its jealousy, the risk factor, or true desire that he can play off to our friends as a joke. They all hoot and holler and his smile tells me it was all desire, opportunistically timed. He's definitely coming around. Based on our surroundings I pull him back and give him a solid hug as thanks.
The next day when we're changing back into our street clothes at the gym he pulls a plastic bag out of his back pack. Taking a peek I spot a pleather collar and harness get-up with metal rings. I wink at him and we race up to my condo. With half an hour before one of my parents gets home we both quickly dress in matching harnesses, collars and attached jock straps. The fetish clothing definitely excites us both: we make urgent love, shower, and dress before anyone else gets home!
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Late April brings with it the relief of university acceptance letters and Yvonne breaking things off with Miso. All is pretty much normal in my life until Mid May.
Benji and I are working for the city parks again this year, taking care of sports fields. Until school ends and we can work during the day our duties basically consist of going from park to park with a master set of keys and turning on and then later turning off the lights that shine onto soccer pitches, football gridirons and baseball diamonds. We have a number of fun late nights under the stars after our last stops of the night, out in the parks, in the dugouts, and even risk sex on home plate one time.
Stupid? Yeah, more than a little. Sometimes neither of us manage to think with the right head.
On a warm night near the end of May we end up at a park where our friend Cameron is on one team playing against Ian on the other team. Maybe what I don't like about Ian isn't him, maybe it's that I find him highly fuckable. I don't mean to, but the guy has a smoking hot body, and I'm of the persuasion to get hot and bothered by it.
To be honest, lately I'm cool with just Benji, me, a condom and the bed sheets. He however likes something a little more kink, a little fetish. Some nights we wear baseball sliding shorts with cups under loose cargo shorts when we do our rounds to add to our excitement later. Tonight isn't one of those nights. Staring at Ian I have to constantly adjust and Benji notices.
Past dusk it seems even darker in the areas where the lights don't hit. Towards the far end of this park is a huge flower garden with a few different levels to walk through and more than one trellis. The most secluded trellis is our mutual point of interest, and being at the far end of the park from the game we figure it's safe enough to fool around and start right in on each other.
Many times in the past I've wanted to finger fuck Benji to ejaculation, and get him hooked on the feeling. As we make out tonight like the horny little teenagers we are, as we 69, I slide a condom on my finger! My intent is a little voyeurism where he can't vocally protest. This time he doesn't even resist at first. We suck each other off with all the hunger we have for each other until we hear a rustle and someone being shushed.
It would seem that as the game ended a couple of players must have thought that each other looked too good in the cute tight uniforms and snuck into a spot near us. They're watching us until we notice them, and then start making out themselves, so we know we're safe at least from them. Benji goes soft because of this, but the new element of being watched gets me busting a nut almost instantly.
In turn, watching the one guy in green and black kneeling to deep throat the guy in red and white causes a second emission from me and finally coaxes one out of Benji. All the while he's let me finger him. We're both pretty sure the guy giving head went to our school and was a year ahead of us. I'd never peg him for one of us but the proof ends up on his face and in his mouth. Satisfied, he smiles at us as we get up to walk away from the show.
Tossing the condom in a garbage I whisper in Benji's ear that I'm ready for a third release because of the unreal live porno we were just a part of. We both agree that tonight is the hottest, most risque night of our lives, and what follows it later is monumental too.
When we get back to my place my parents are home watching a rental movie with the Laukkanen's and Mrs. Toivonen. The absence of Benji's parents tells us that they have gone to the cottage to open it up this weekend. It's something that should have been done a month ago, but there never seems to be time. They were sitting on the fence for days as to whether or not they were going to go and we were getting blue balls thinking we wouldn't be able to have relaxed sex this weekend.
I grab a change of clothes and tell my parents that I'm crashing at the Hart's after glow-in-the-dark bowling with our friends. Our friends are bowling tonight, but the only glow in the dark we plan on tonight would be to use a novelty condom from a gag store, if we were actually to use the cheap glow-in-the-dark thing. If we ever use the things together again after what happens a little later.
[to be continued]
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Dear Reader:
One chapter left guys; look for the conclusion on Valentines Day. :)
~Jade.