This is a story about the growing up and coming of age of a typical Ohio boy by the name of Jason as told to me through the exchange of a series of Email. It is a true story detailing true events with only the names, including Jason's, having been changed to protect the travelers we meet along the way. We pick up where we left off in Chapter 11 with twenty-five-year-old Jason realizing his dream life with Nicole is not likely to happen and seeking revenge while guiding his nephew in his own explorations. Comments about the story can be sent to the author, J.O. Dickingson at authorsix@hotmail.com and those who wish to correspond directly with Jason may do so at journeyofjason@yahoo.com
CHAPTER TWELVE: A NEW YEAR AND A ROUGH ROAD AHEAD
I only talk to Nicole a few times in December and January. I have been asking if I can bring her daughter a Christmas present. She keeps putting it off and finally tells me she will call me on New Years Eve and I can bring it up. She never calls and I am left sitting at home doing nothing. I finally talk to her a few days later and ask what the hell happened. She says she was too tired and just came home and crashed. Then I ask her if she was definitely going to see "Nemo on Ice" with me at the Gund in Cleveland because I had spent $150 on tickets for the three of us as my Christmas present to them and I needed to find someone else if she wasn't going to go. To my surprise, she actually does go and we have a great time.
Nicalia, Nicole's daughter, loves it and still carries the program and bag around and says my name.
Grandma has been having radiation treatments five times a week for her cancer this last while and I guess at the age of eighty-seven it is too much on her body. They rush her to the hospital and February 6 is the darkest night of my life. We are sure she is not going to make it through the night but somehow she manages to rally. Grandma has always been the rock of the family, always there with advice and a kind word about everybody. I can't imagine life without her but she told me not long ago that she is totally at peace with her life and when it is her time she is ok with it. Although I quit smoking again on New Years, I can't help but start up again.
On top of everything else, Mom is diagnosed with breast cancer and is going in for surgery the day after we rush Grandma to the hospital. The next day Mom has a partial mastectomy and to my relief is doing great, and also to my relief as the days progress Grandma seems to be getting better too. Besides Mom and Grandma's problems, my paternal grandmother is in the nursing home and has been on death's door these last few months. Unlike Mom's mother, she is an evil bitch and has been very mean to Mom.
It turns out February 6 is not the darkest day of my life. February 11 is. That is the day Grandma passes on. My paternal grandmother, and a great aunt, die within the week, but none hits me as hard as the passing of Mom's mother.
Mom is named Executress and sole inheritor of Grandma's insurance policy with her estate to be split among her seven children. With all that was going on with Grandma in the hospital, Mom having cancer, and me starting school again, I haven't spent much time with Nicole or even thinking about her. I run into her one night at Walmart with her new guy and her daughter but we don't talk much, just hi, how are you doing, and the like. The next day after class, I call her and ask if we can talk some night. She says sure and asks what it will be about. I tell her that I have put up with a lot of her shit and she isn't worth it anymore. We decide that I will come up the next night, March 4, and we would talk. She asks if all it is going to be is me yelling at her, and if it is, I can just send her an Email. I tell her that I want to talk with her and that I won't yell. I decide to print out the letter I wrote her but never intended on sending. I put it, a CD with "Goodbye to you" by Michele Branch, the lyrics to the song, and an Elvis DVD I got for her mom in a folder and take it all with me. I plan on letting her read the letter and then discussing it with her calmly and rationally. It is the only way I can think of to let her know so that all my feelings would be told and it would stay a calm discussion. When I get up there, she is there with her new little piece of dick. I ask if we can be alone and she says no in a rather bitchy manner, so I throw the folder at her and take off.
March 4, 2005
Nicole,
I am not saying these things to hurt you. These are things that have been burning in my soul for some time now. I am going to be completely honest with you and myself, something I haven't done in a long time. I am going to use this opportunity to get a few things off my chest and to tell you goodbye.
I hated the fact that we had to keep everything a secret. What should have been a wonderful time for me was pure hell because I couldn't express to anyone how happy you made me. I am not keeping it in anymore though.
You have said things that have hurt me so bad. Thinking that I was only helping you for sex is something I can't forget. You say you were stressed, but it was said.
I finally figured you out. You had been wanting to have an affair for so many months and everybody was getting your sob story about it. You just didn't have the guts to go out and fuck someone for fear of what people might think of you. So you found somebody close, and comforting, and familiar. Somebody you could lock away like a dirty little secret once it was done and over. You just never thought I would develop feelings for you. You never cared about me, you just wanted to be the bad girl for a while. All of your life, you have been following the good and righteous path, but just for a while with me, you could stray away and feel what real living is like. Did it scare you how good it felt to be real, to be human, to make mistakes? I tried everything I could to make you happy, but you just couldn't let me in. So tell me, what exactly was it that pushed you away from me? Was it the way I always put your feelings first and tried to make you happy? The way I put my life on hold to be there for you whenever you needed me? That I was there for your daughter more than you were?
The reason I let you decide when we would kiss, or have sex, or anything else, is because you were still married. I did not want you coming back on me in one or two or ten years and telling me that I was the reason your marriage broke up, that I was always on top of you and forcing sex on you. Had that not been the case, I would have been all over you.
The reason I never suggested that we do anything is because every time I did, you either didn't like the idea or found some way to get out of it. I suggested concerts and you always came up with a reason to get out of them, either that you were sick or didn't want to go or had something to do. I wanted to go to Cedar Point with you, not to ride coasters, but just to be with you. You always had something going to get you out of it. I suggested you and I taking Nicalia to the drive in to see "Shrek 2" and "Shark Tales," you put it off until the drive in closed for the season. Every time I would come over to watch a movie you wound up falling asleep. I finally just decided to stop suggesting things because I knew it would never happen. You say I needed to be a leader, but you never gave me the power to. I shouldn't have been surprised though, that is the way it has always been.
All I ever asked from you was for the truth, and I never got it. The first time I remember is the day after we went to Maryland. You told me you were going up to visit a friend's mother, but it turns out you went to Virginia, your excuse . . . you didn't want me to worry about you. I don't hear from you at all for two days and I am not supposed to be worried? Then we have the deal with your neighbor. All I heard was we are just friends, nothing more. I don't even want any more from him. In the next breath I hear how hot he is. The day I came up to show you Taffy, everything changed as soon as he got there and you couldn't wait to get rid of me. Then you didn't want me coming around for a week because he sucked your neck off. Next we have Byron. I could tell from the beginning you were after him. Coming up every weekend, making sure your house was spotless for him, something I NEVER got, unless I was helping do it. I kept asking you what is going on and do you wish something would happen. You always said no and nothing and I don't know. Then you don't even have the courtesy to tell me when things do progress to the dating level. You have to realize something, I can always see right through you. I knew every time you were lying to me, I just let it pass. Just remember, when these things fall apart, I will not be around to pick up the pieces anymore.
You are the one who is making your weight an issue. I have been around you and loved you before and after you lost all the weight. I have never been judgmental or let it play a factor one way or the other. Do you think your doctors from Mercy or your Indian neighbor would have been so eager to even talk to you before, much less go out with you?
You keep bringing up that I had so many years to be with you and I would have, had I known your feelings for me. You never told me or even let on how you felt, at least I have been open and honest with my feelings for you. I never would have hurt you before if I knew how you felt then. That is the difference, you are knowingly hurting me. Don't say that I knew or should have known, you were only the second person I had ever kissed, I didn't realize what it meant.
I had been asking you since Christmas when I could drop Nicalia's gift off and you kept saying I'll call you and let you know. You said on Dec. 30, that I could come up on the 31 and drop it off. I believed you, stupidly, so I turned down several offers of parties for New Years. By the time I realized you were not going to be calling, it was too late to do anything, thanks. You finally called and had a few minutes on the 8th of January, 2 weeks after Christmas. So glad you could fit me in. All I wanted was five minutes to come up and give YOUR daughter a present, I didn't want to spend the day or night with you, just five minutes. I shouldn't be surprised though, I just wanted ten minutes on December 13 for you to look at my web site before I turned it in, but I guess you had more important things to do. As soon as I said I didn't want to be around Byron, I was dropped like a bad habit.
I was there for you and strong for you through Stacy's death, you couldn't even call me and see how my grandmother was doing. You knew she was really sick, but again I guess you had better things to do. It would have been nice to have a shoulder to cry on through that whole ordeal, but no, I had to be strong again for mom. I still have not had a chance to openly grieve.
You told me that you were reading a book about being codependent. It is obvious that that is what you are looking for, I could tell in the few minutes I saw you at Walmart. You are looking for someone to take care of the little bit. He had no reason to be urging her to give me a hug or anything else. I know your pattern though, you will have your fun, then get tired and whine about being in a rut, and finally push him away like you have with everyone else. Don't pity the martyr because he loves his job and it is obvious you are playing the martyr.
I have to tell you, and I know this is going to hurt, but you are such a hypocrite. You have always acted like you follow such a Godly path, yet do you follow what is really said? You are judgmental and discriminatory against homosexuals when we are taught to love everyone. What would Jesus do? Do you think he would turn his back on them and treat them like second class citizens? Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and believe me dear, you are living in a glass house. Sex before marriage, an adulterous affair, the list goes on. At least I admit to my mistakes. Do you think Jesus would want the children of this world brainwashed and movies like Harry Potter banned? The only reason these religious zealots are so against these movies is because it teaches children to have an imagination. If that happens, they may not be blindly lead like sheep to the slaughter. I really feel sorry for people who feel they have to worry about everything they do and hope it is acceptable in God's eyes. But I don't have to worry, according to the rules I can accept God on my death bed and it will atone for all my sins. I am not worried about Hell, I know it doesn't exist. Besides, it couldn't be any worse then what I am living now. There are wars fought and people killed and oppressed in the name of religion, and it just isn't for me.
You are right that we could never be together, I would not be able to trust you. So I have finally come to the realization, I cannot be around you any more because of the way I feel for you, to be so close to you and yet, not be able to be with you is killing me. I cannot stand to see you with somebody else, it hurts too much and I have to think about me for a change. I just hope the sex was worth this friendship to you, because truthfully, it wasn't for me. I would have been there for you forever, I would have been faithful to you forever, and all I asked is for you to love me. That was too much I guess.
You have been my friend for as long as I can remember, but it just hurts too much. You were the one person in this world that I thought I could trust not to hurt me. I opened myself up to you, let you in, and loved you. You hurt me more than I knew possible. I can never be happy for you or respect you again. I wish you luck in everything you do in the future. Please let Nicalia know that I love her with all my heart and try to make sure she remembers me as a good person. I would still like to see her if it is okay with you, she should not suffer because of you.
Maybe our lives will cross again someday at a better and happier time, but I don't see that happening.
I do still love you, Jason
I get home and spill my guts to Mom and tell her everything that has been going on since June. Nicole calls me about twenty minutes later and Mom stays in the room while I talk to her. She starts off saying that she has been in therapy for a while now, and I reply that that is good because she fucking needs it. She tries to say that her boyfriend has been with her through everything with her husband and she'd wanted him there when we'd talked. Maybe that was the problem, she never concentrated on her marriage the same way she did with other people. Well, considering all I'd been through with her, I just fly off the handle. I finally have a chance to yell and bitch and rant, and it feels fucking good.
She tells me that her pastor had asked about me and is so concerned about me and that I'd been laid on her heart to pray for me. I tell her she can take her hypocritical religion and shove it straight up her ass right along with the Bible that she is always thumping and that she can tell her pastor to go fuck herself and that I don't want anyone involved with an organized religion to be concerned about me. I call her a hypocritical bitch that only follows the commandments that she wants to, just like every other religious nut. She replies that she has never made my religion or bisexuality an issue, and I shoot back that she has always used my bisexuality as an excuse.
Oops! In my rant, I've forgotten I'm not in the room by myself!
Well, I end up telling the fat bitch that I spent more time with her daughter than she did, that she was never there for me, that she never did anything for me, and that I hate her. I am on a real rant by then and I tell her she is just as bad if not worse than my ex-sister-in-law, Eric's Mom. Nicole knows what I think of my ex-sister-in-law so that is as bad as anything else I could have said. But I'm not done with that. I tell her what a huge whore, a terrible housekeeper, and a horrible mother she is and to make sure she gets me the rest of the money she owes me and that I am done with her and I hang up.
I call her mom up right after that and talk with her for about twenty minutes. I let her know everything that had happened from the affair right up to how used I felt. She had no idea any of it was happening and sounds genuinely upset about it and says she is sorry about everything. I just want to let her know I appreciate everything she has done for me. She has treated me like family and I love her like a mother, and I think it is time she knew.
Well, needless to say, Mom is shocked by my outing myself and asks me if it is true. I just look at her and in my best lisp, say, "oh hunny, check the warning signs." She asks why I haven't told her before, and if I just had feelings, or if I actually acted on anything. It is not the time for such questions, and I tell her that I'm not going to discuss my sex life with her and to drop it. I'm so angry I figure at the time maybe I'll give her this story sometime and just sit back and watch as her face drops.
The next day we have a calmer talk. Mom is just concerned that I need to be safe with whomever I am with, and comments that what I need is to find a nice girl and settle down and start a family. DUH!!! I tell her I'm just busy having fun at this point and not to worry. My coming out to her is far different from what I'd imagined it might be. At one point in my past I'd imagined how I might tell her that I was bi, and I'd decided I'd do it the same way as Justin told his mom on the TV show "Queer as Folk". I'd just look her in the eye and say with that gay head bobble, "I like dick. I wanna get fucked by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it, too!"
I was watching "The Family Guy" the other day and just laughed my ass off. Peter was asking his friends if they wanted to go fishing with him and his neighbor Quagmire replied that he had his weekend planned and that he was going to stay home and fantasize about this hot chick, Taylor Hanson. When everyone tells him Taylor is a guy, he laughs it off and says they are teasing him, and then he realizes they are not, and he thinks, Oh God, I have all those teen magazines. It seems so fitting at the moment that I just howl! It feels good to laugh.
Well, tonight Mom asks me if I ever did anything with "the cute boy" who worked down at Spencer's. He was very open about being gay. I tell her I'm not going to discuss this with her and start feeling defensive. She says that she thinks he is cute and if I am going to do something, he would be a cute guy to go after. God, this is really starting to suck! This is all I need, Mom trying to hook me up with guys and girls at the same time!
I am just sick of thinking about Nicole. She and I have known each other for over eleven years and a lot has happened between us. After thinking about our past now though, I realize how one sided the friendship was, and the more I think about it the more pissed I am about what happened. Nicole, the no good, two-faced, hypocritical, selfish bitch. When she'd had gastric bypass surgery, I'd been there for her through everything. She couldn't even stop by to see me after my last surgery. When her friend died, I was there for her every single day. She couldn't even call me to see how my grandmother was doing when I told her they didn't think she would make it through the night. If it was I, I would have been calling every day to see how she was and if there was something I could do for her.
I'd kept asking her why things would never work out between us. She always had excuses ready. She said first that I am too white, then she said it was my religious beliefs, then it was because I don't have a job or the potential for one, then it was because I am bisexual and she doesn't want to get hurt. Let's see, her boyfriend is super honky white, works as a fucking pizza boy at twenty-eight years old, and looks, acts and sounds like a flaming queen. The only thing is he is a true believer in God and he will be able to brainwash her daughter just like she does. That is all she is looking for is someone to pawn her daughter off on so she doesn't have to deal with it, someone who will watch her and take care of her.
I've come up with my revenge for all that fat bitch Nicole has done to me. I am going to make copies of this poster that says "I cheated on my husband and broke up my marriage, ask me about it" on bright neon paper and put one on each car windshield at her church next Sunday, and one on each apartment door at her complex with her apartment number on it. People will learn not to fuck with me. I have the operation all planned out to the minute with several friends to help. It should take us less than two minutes to hit every car. I have diagrams of the lot, the church layout, the area surrounding the church, everything planned and ready to set in motion. I even have an abort plan just in case. I have outfits planned with sunglasses and hats so we look similar. I even have somebody else's car so I am not easily identified. I want this done with military precision. I only wish I could see her face when she realizes what is going on. Ah, if only we could bring back the days when we could brand a woman like her with a scarlet letter and let the world know the whore she is. My will be done. My justice will be served.
Well, I realize Sunday is Easter Sunday, so I put my plan aside. It gives me time to refine my plan and do a more appropriate, detailed poster, maybe even with her picture. This is the end of our time together.
I've had time to calm down since Easter Sunday. I sent Nicole an Email a few weeks ago telling her that I wanted the money she owed me and the folder of mine that she has so I can be done with her for good. I know she still has not looked at my Email because I have her password and I have been checking every couple of days, and also deleting some of her other messages that look like they might be important. I am hoping that her husband will email her so I can get his address so I can write to him and see if he knows about last summer. I am also going to make sure to mention it to a few key people in the church about what a hypocritical whore she is. That should be just as good as the flier.