To: ALL
My Dear Readers,
First of all please accept my apology for sending this general note.
I have tried to answer each one personally, but it has simply
become too much. I have been inundated with email, every one
most welcome! So I decided to "bulk mail" this same note to
everyone to at lease acknowledge your kind comments to me.
Besides, I always have to have the last word.
I do want to thank you all for writing... in my mind the response
confirms that I did what I set out to do, which was to honor a very
special person. Some notes have said that I also honored Cathy,
my wife, and I'm glad of that. She is another very special person:
strong as an ox but gentle as a lamb; and she adores her gay
husband!
I have received notes from numerous people whose native
language is not English, and every last one of them apologized for
their English. In my opinion, every one of them was fine, got their
point across successfully. I do not claim to be a judge of English
Grammar, but I have known many English speaking people who
could write no better.
Someone mentioned the quotation from Shakespeare: "It is better
to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." While I
certainly agree with that statement, I don't really feel that I have
"loved and lost." Yes, Kenny is gone... in fact two Kenny's are
gone, but I still feel their presence. And the next time we meet
there will be no secrets, no planning trips to be together, no
closets, no thoughts of "I wonder if he/she knows" etc etc. And
LilKenny will no longer be sick!
I learned a lot from my father... unfortunately I learned things he
hadn't intended to teach me. Like how NOT to raise a family, how
NOT to respond to love. I learned something else too: For the last
ten years of his life, my father sat in an easy chair staring at the
TV, and feeling sorry for himself. Poor me, I am no longer a cop.
Poor me, I'm getting old. Poor me, I won't be here to see such-and
such. Sound familiar? Oh yes, I inherited the "poor me" syndrome
abundantly! But as I watched my father literally waste his life,
years after retirement that could have been so sweet, I determined
not to be like that. So to those of you who have wished me a good
"rest of your life," I say thank you, and I'm going to describe my
life today to reassure you that I do indeed have a pretty full life. I
hope you don't mind.
I am 60 years old, diabetic, with high blood pressure. Like most
diabetics I am constantly fighting to keep my blood sugar down,
but so far except for a few incidents I've managed successfully. I
still ride a motorcycle (I never mentioned it in the story, but I
bought a bike in the late 60's and have had one ever since). My
current bike is a Yamaha Venture Royale 1300cc and believe me,
that puppy will stand straight up in spite of its 900 pounds! I
know because I've done it. I sing in a church choir and also a
Men's chorus... last year I bought a new boat - a 140 horsepower
fish 'n ski model and I do both. Last year I helped Bobbi and Jeff
build their new house, and in the spring I will probably be helping
Kevin build the log home he's been planning.
Speaking of Men's chorus, I had an experience last fall that I'd
like to share. I wanted to include this experience in my story, but
there didn't seem to be an appropriate place to put it. Our chorus
was asked to sing at an AIDS benefit banquet last November 13,
Friday the 13th! So we arrived with our wives, had a wonderful
meal, then we sang. Have you ever tried to sing after stuffing
yourself? There were men and women, married and single, black
and white, Gay and Straight, HIV infected and not. The whole
affair was sponsored jointly by several Baptist churches, one of
which was all black; in fact our chorus shared the stage with a
black church choir. It was one of the most moving experiences I
have had in recent years! Makes one think that maybe there is
hope!
Oh, I almost forgot: I work approx. 50 hours a week as a LAN
Administrator for a large insurance company. I get up at 5, run a
mile or two, then in to work by 6 because all the backups, servers,
gateways have to be checked before the underwriters come in at 7.
I like to say I spent 30 years telling IBM customers how easy it all
is, and now I'm seeing for myself just how easy it is. Frankly, I
lied! It ain't easy!
I'm going back to school this year... I have my Netware and OS/2
certification, but for the last year I've been converting our
installation from OS/2 to Microsoft NT, so I'm going to go after
my Microsoft certification. At first I said no way, I'm too old, it
doesn't matter any more, I only have a few more years to work,
but what the hay, learning is learning!
Four years ago we bought a double timeshare at Myrtle Beach...
two wonderful weeks at the resort of our choice anywhere in the
world. The following year we bought another. So far we have yet
to go anywhere but MB because that place is AWESOME! But in
3 weeks we are going to the Disney World Resort in Orlando,
$275 per night, compliments of IBM. Oh yeah, we have fun!
I didn't write the foregoing to say "Look at me, ain't I great!" But
rather to assure anyone who cares that I am refusing to allow age
to interfere with my agenda. I'm not even close to being great!
But I do have a brain and I like to think I use it. And my brain
tells me that none of us will be here forever so we should make the
best of the time we have. Kenny did that, and I expect no less of
myself. I will LIVE as long as I live; there's lots of time to die
when you're dead. My family are all well established, I have a lot
of life insurance, so what need do I have for savings? At my age
every day could very well be my last and I'm ok with that, but as
long as I'm here I'm going to enjoy!
When we graduated in 1961, we were like most grads I think. We
were going to change the world, discover a cure for cancer, win a
Nobel prize, be heralded as the greatest engineers ever to live.
Well, we didn't do all that; we didn't do any of that! We never
even got to graduate school like we'd intended. But we managed
to find happiness and I think you'll agree that's something that is
all too rare these days. I am still happy today... perhaps happier
than I've ever been! I still cannot hold LilCharlie in my arms and
feed him or sing to him without tears in my eyes. Cathy, recalling
how my father acted, misinterpreted those tears. She thought I
was thinking things like "I'll never live to see him grow up!" etc,
etc. I assured her that is not the case. I am simply overwhelmed
with emotion whenever I look into his face. My daughter named
her first son after her faggot father!
Someone else wrote and told me he had started to read the series,
expecting it to be "another erotic story." I have to admit that was
my original intent, but once I got started and all those memories
came flooding back, I realized that I had so much more to tell
than the explicit details of what we did or didn't do. From the
email I have received, with two or three exceptions, I seem to have
got the message across.
Someone asked me if the Collins family were tolerant of our
triangle arrangement. Frankly, I doubt if they knew. Robbie did
because in our minds Kenny and I were both his brothers, and we
shared everything! But aside from him we didn't share our secret
with anyone who we felt had no need to know. I have no doubt
that there were suspicions, but the 'don't ask, don't tell' philosophy
prevailed.
At least two of you have asked where I learned to write so well.
Frankly, I didn't know I could. But if I do, it's primarily the result
of a German-American teacher, Professor Steinbeck. When he
told my class that engineers are traditionally terrible writers, and
that he would pass no one that couldn't write well, I took it to
heart. I loved that man! He was abrupt, rude, demanding; but he
rewarded success. He inspired me! As a technical writer, I believe
I have always been pretty good, thanks to Prof. Steinbeck. That
accounts for the grammar and spelling and mechanics; as for the
story I just wrote, well that's easy. I just wrote as if I was
speaking, folks. I was pouring out my heart, saying things that
needed to be said. As I told one person, typing this story was an
experience similar to the last time I played the organ when I was
18: it was as if my every emotion was flowing through my fingers
to the keyboard!
One time about 15 years ago I found myself traveling a lot, and
not getting to see Kenny that much. I was depressed and
wondering what life would have been like had I lived it
differently. There were lots of nights alone in hotel rooms, and I
started to write... pure fiction. I still have those stories somewhere
on diskette... I just might try posting them. I don't think they are
nearly as good as Kenny because I am simply not a creative
person. But I might just pull them out; the reaction to Kenny has
been that overwhelming!
Some other writers have suggested that I turn Kenny into a book
and publish it. Believe me I've thought about it, but I've decided
that I'll reach more of the people I want to reach by leaving it on
Nifty. I have received numerous notes from people who are, as I
was in 1952, really hurting! People who are discouraged, who
have stopped believing they can find love. They tell me that my
story has helped and inspired them, and I cannot back away from
that. As for any money I might make, it's simply not important. I
have made a good living my whole life and have absolutely
nothing to show for it financially, and I have no doubt that if I
were to make another million I'd manage to spend that too! So
Kenny will stay on Nifty as long as Nifty has a place for him.
Speaking of Nifty, I MUST send a special THANK YOU to
David, the Nifty archivist. He has been a tremendous
encouragement, has corrected typo's that I've missed, got mad at
me and yelled when I said I was going to quit way back in chapter
5 or 6 or whatever it was... THANKS, DAVID!!!! I consider you a
real friend!.
Love to all, and a SENSATIONAL 1999!
Charlie