Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction. If you are
offended by graphic descriptions of homosexual acts, go
somewhere else.
Copyright c 2001 by Orrin C. Rush. All rights reserved.
Neither this story nor any parts of it may be distributed
electronically or in any other manner without the express,
written consent of the author.
This is a work of fiction, any resemblance of the characters
to anyone living or dead is pure coincidence and not
intended. They are all products of the author's imagination.
THE LIFEGUARD
Chapter 37
That evening, I told Eric about Annie's call. He didn't seem
to think much of it.
The next day at lunch, though, he admitted that his curiosity
had gotten the best of him and he'd called Sarah to see what
was up. "She assured me that Annie was just fine, but that's
all she'd say. I wonder."
"OK, I'll say it then," I told him. "I wonder if she's met
'someone'."
"Maybe prospects of a new son-in-law are looking up for us,"
he commented.
"Us?"
"Hell, I'm the mean old stepmother," he grinned. "I may be
just a little older, but I love her as much as if she were my
own daughter."
I just grinned. Not only was this wonderful guy the center
of MY life, he was an integral part of our family.
The idea of grandchildren was also kind of appealing.
Even though we'd just bought it, the Catalina Long Beach and
Pacific Railroad had a regularly scheduled Board of Directors
Meeting coming up. When I talked to him about it, George,
the President, asked that we go ahead with it so he could get
more direction from us. He had a lot of items on his agenda.
It was a far different meeting from the last. Dave Burdette
was a lot friendlier - he'd paid off his loans on the
Railroad's property, and I'd kept my word about having all
traces of the transactions deleted from the deeds. He
trusted me now, and even though I'd caught him with his hand
in the till, I respected him.
No Edgar, and the atmosphere was chummy and relaxed.
The first order of business was the re-structuring that had
taken place. CLP RR was now a separate entity, concentrating
on the business of running a railroad, nothing else. George
reported that this change had done wonders for morale
throughout the organization. There was, however, a lot of
curiosity about us, the new owners, and the other businesses
we were involved in.
I promised him that I'd talk to the people who published our
internal newsletter and see if they could provide copy for
the railroad's internal organ.
Next, the Treasurer joined us for financial reporting. Both
freight and passenger revenues were up, but the savings that
would result from reorganization hadn't had time to have a
major effect. Nevertheless, they were doing very well.
George reported on personnel changes, handing out a list of
people no longer with the company and their replacements. I
quickly noted that less than half of those who had been let
go or quit had been replaced. George was getting rid of the
dead wood, probably Edgar's cronies. We approved his changes
and assured him that he would have our continued support.
Next was an issue that Edgar had shelved for years - a high
speed passenger train on the Coast commuter routes. Did we
want to pursue it or forget about it permanently?
Feasability studies conducted several years ago had shown
that it would be a moneymaker, and Federal Funds were still
available to help defray the costs.
Bill suggested that the survey be updated as well as cost
estimates so we could make a decision based on current, not
obsolete information.
George had a whole list of smaller items that were discussed,
and in every case, we approved his recommended action.
Then Eric came up with something that even I didn't expect.
"How many rail cars do we own?" he asked.
"Around 14,000," George answered.
"What do they look like?"
"Well, they're maroon with white lettering," George said.
"Why?"
Poor George got flustered at this question, and seeing this,
Eric stepped in. "I'm not trying to put you on the spot, I'm
just curious and may have an idea."
"They've always been like that," George said. "Pretty drab,
I admit."
"Maybe we should change that," Eric suggested. "Hear me out,
would you?" We all nodded, not having a clue where he was
going with this.
"We have two things: A bunch of drab cars nobody notices
running around the country and a highly profitable passenger
route along the Coast. Why not have one advertise the other?
"California's a vacation destination, and we need to let
people know about the scenic ride we provide up and down the
coast. We could do that nationwide if we repainted our cars.
"I don't know if there are any rules or regulations about
this type of advertising, but if it's not forbidden or
illegal, I think we should look into it. We could paint them
with a scene of the sun setting over the ocean, and a slogan
like 'Ride the Catalina rails along the Pacific' or something
the ad guys come up with. With 'Catalina' in our name, we'll
get noticed for sure."
"I don't know of any prohibition on it," George said.
"Particularly since we'd be advertising ourselves, not some
commercial product."
"How often do you repaint the cars?" Eric asked.
"Most are on a four year schedule. Any that get damaged are
repainted as part of the repair process," George answered.
"What I have in mind will cost more, but all that free
advertising is hard to pass up. I propose that we look into
it, and so move."
The vote was unanimously in favor.
Later, when I asked him when he'd come up with that idea, he
claimed that it hit him while listening to the earlier part
of the meeting. Always surprises. I loved it!
As earlier arranged, Eric and Ryan went out by themselves for
some "Bro talk." Karl and I were planning to have dinner
together then turn in early.
Over dinner we discussed the Railroad. He was still
surprised to find himself and both of his sons on the Board
of Directors, but was enjoying it.
Eventually the conversation turned to family. Karl really
surprised me when he asked how everything was going between
Eric and me.
My first reaction was to tell him it wasn't any of his damned
business, but thinking about it, I realized his question was
reasonable. A father who cared.
"If it's possible, I love him more every day," I told Karl,
sincerely meaning every word.
"That's not obvious or anything like that," he chuckled. "Eric
tells me the same thing, but I just wanted to hear it from
you. I know Eric's happier than he's ever been in his life,
something that makes me very happy and proud.
"He went through some pretty rough times coming to terms with
himself," Karl continued, "if he hasn't already, you'll have
to get him to tell you about that. Quite frankly, until you
came into the picture, he never was what I'd call happy or
content. Kind of floundering around without any real
direction.
"He's changed my life a great deal, too," I told him. "His
energy rubs off, and I'm doing things I wouldn't even have
considered a few years ago."
"I never had any real problem with Eric's being gay, once I
understood what was going on. I did worry a lot about what
direction his life would take as a gay man, but his finding
you has taken care of all of those concerns. I just wish Ryan
were so lucky."
I didn't want to pry or mention Eric's concerns, but Karl
continued.
"I don't have any idea what the hell's bothering him, but I
sense that something is. That 'shotgun wedding' was a
coverup, a band-aid for whatever his problem is. Don't get
me wrong, I love Diane, and hope they make a go of it, and I'm
kind of pleased to have at least one grandchild," he said
smiling kind of wistfully.
"It's kind of ironic," he said, "I worry more about my
'straight' son than I do my gay one."
The next morning Eric looked pretty sad. "Have fun last
night?" I asked.
"It was fun then, but I'm paying for it this morning," he
groaned. "I tried to get Ryan drunk so maybe he'd talk, and
in the process, drank a bit too much myself. I sure wish Mom
was here with her magic potion."
"Won't I do?" I asked, trying to kiss him.
"I'll bet my breath could drop an elephant," he said,
wrenching away and heading for the bathroom, his morning
woody waving in front of him.
"Well, did you learn anything?" I asked when he returned.
"He's still in denial. He talks a good game, but I know him
too well. Something's eating him and he refuses to talk
about it."
I thought a minute about breaking confidences, but decided to
go ahead. "Your father's concerned, too," I told him.
"I know," he said, "We've talked about it. Whatever dark
demons are bugging Ryan, he ain't talking. I came straight
out and asked him, but he denied any problems. I still don't
believe him, but, if he won't talk, there's nothing I can
do. It'll come out eventually."
"Your Dad and I had a real nice talk last night."
"Oh shit! What'd he tell you?"
"No big secrets, dammit," I chuckled, "just a few tidbits
that I want to hear more about from YOU."
"Such as?" he asked warily.
"Your coming out, for one. He didn't go into any detail, but
hinted that it might be an interesting story."
"Oh that! No big deal. Maybe someday, you nosy fucker," he
said, chuckling.
"Don't you understand?" I said seriously. "I want to know
everything there is to know about you, love of my life."
"Don't get sappy on me," he kidded. "One of these days when
we have a LOT of time, I'll tell you the whole story."
"Fair enough," I agreed, helping myself to a delayed morning
kiss.
Dean wanted to meet with all of us, saying he had an idea.
"Want to do an easy one?" he asked.
"What?" Eric asked.
"We've got a few acres on the coast that'd be perfect for a
Ritz Carlton resort. I'm pretty sure they'd jump at it."
"Whoa! Stop everything!" I yelled. Eric and Tina looked at
me kind of funny. "Dean, I know you're relatively new around
here, and I appreciate your bringing us in on this, but you
don't have to bring us in on everything."
"But this could be a $50 million project," he protested.
"I know, and I also know we have 300 or more like it, most of
them this size or bigger." I paused for a minute. "The
point I'm trying to make is that we hired you to run this
outfit. We have confidence in your ability, and we don't
need to know everything you're doing."
"I didn't know," he said. "For me, a fifty million dollar
project would be as big as any I've ever worked on. I didn't
want to make that kind of commitment without your approval."
"You're running the Silicon Valley project, have you figured
the gross on that one?" I asked.
"Somewhere between four and five billion," he answered, "raw
land alone."
"Then don't let a piddly little $50 million deal get to you.
We're behind you. I'm telling you this to let you know your
assessment of how we operate, getting the best people, then
turning them loose is how we really do operate."
"I appreciate the vote of confidence," he said, smiling now.
"I see now that you expect me to take the initiave."
"That's how we work," Eric said, reinforcing what I'd said.
"Since we're here, why not tell us about it," I suggested.
He gave us a very quick outline on how it would work. Ritz
Carlton would check out the site, do their own studies, then
give us the plans for what they wanted. We'd build whatever
they wanted then lease it back to them.
"You damned near scared the crap out of poor old Dean," Tina
commented, laughing.
"I just wanted him to know we don't babysit our executives,"
I told her. "He's got to understand that we expect him to
make decisions on his own."
"You got your point across," Eric assured me.
"Remember when you ran into Tommy?" Eric asked. I nodded.
"Well, I ran into one of my old 'playmates' today."
"It doesn't seem to affect you the way Tommy did me."
"It was kind of funny, actually. He's sure changed - a pot
gut and his hair is fading fast, and soooo damned
conservative."
"Does he know you're gay?" I asked.
"He didn't, but he does now. I told him, just for shits and
giggles."
"How'd he take it?"
"Not well," Eric answered amid peals of laughter. "You
should have seen his face! Sheer panic! He remembered our
playtime together, and I let him know I remembered too by
telling him that I'd never say a word to anyone. He changed
the subject so fast I got dizzy," he laughed.
"That's something you've never gotten around to telling me
about," I said.
"What's that?" Eric asked.
"Your 'coming out' story, what happened."
"Oh, no big deal, I just realized I liked dick. That's all
there is to it."
"Don't give me that," I told him. "I went through it too,
and it wasn't just one day you're straight, the next you're
not. There's a lot more to it than that."
"I've never thought much about it, to tell you the truth. It
was gradual, just kinda happened. No 'burning bush'
revelation or anything like that."
"I'd still like to hear about it though," I pushed.
"You want all the gory details? All the little boys' pee
pee's I played with?"
"If you feel comfortable telling me about it," I told him.
"Sure, why not, you pervert," he said, laughing. "In the
beginning..."
"You don't have to go back THAT far," I chuckled.
"Well, you wanted the WHOLE story, and now you're gonna get
it.
"Although I'd noticed a few crotches before, mainly on adult
men, particularly those that wore 501's, things really
started happening when I hit the seventh grade. You know,
the first time we had PE and had to take showers together.
"I checked everybody out, as I guess every guy does, and
realized that I was pretty average in 'that' department. The
Junior High that I went to was a lot bigger school than the
one I'd gone to before, so there were a lot of new kids there.
"I went out for the swim team, and didn't know anybody
there. It didn't take long to make a lot of new friends, and
one of them was Nelson, the guy I ran into today.
"I'd already learned about masturbation, and whacked my
weenie whenever I had a chance. At 13, I couldn't cum yet,
but I sure had some exciting dry orgasms, all self inflicted
up to that point.
"Nelson and I became good buddies, and he invited me to his
house for a sleepover. As I guess is usual, we went to bed
and talked. Nelson asked if I jacked off, and I eagerly told
him 'every chance I have'. That, of course, led to the 'do
you wanna do it now?' invitation.
"Hell yes I wanted to do it right then. I was always ready!"
"Not much has changed," I observed dryly.
"Oh yes it has. Could you handle eleven times in one day?
That was my personal best."
I just shook my head.
"Anyway, to continue..." he said. "Nelson was kind of shy,
so he waited for me to push down the covers and whip it out.
He watched me flog it for a few minutes then joined in. No
lube, no nothing, just flying fists. I watched him and he
watched me. I was fascinated because he was a lot bigger
than I was at that time. It didn't take long to get that
'good feeling', and that was pretty much that.
"Soon after that, Ryan caught me pounding it. 'Jesus Christ,'
he said, 'use some cream or vaseline or you won't have any
skin left!' I took his advice and found some Jergen's
Lotion. Man, that was SO much better.
"The next time Nelson stayed over, I introduced him to the
lotion trick. He thought it was great, and spent half the
night pounding himself. I was so fascinated watching him
that I kept right up. I think it was two or three sleepovers
later that I came up with the bright idea of doing it for
him, and hopefully he might do it for me.
"That worked, too. He was as eager as I was, and we pounded
the piss out of each other. Now remember, neither of us
could cum yet, so as soon as we'd 'feel good' we'd quit
jacking. Then, one night he didn't stop working on me, just
kept on going after I'd had my dry orgasm, and lo and behold,
something happened, and all sorts of stuff spurted out. It
kinda hurt that first time, kinda like the cork popped out,
but I was so excited I didn't mind. We'd just been stopping
too soon. Pretty soon, Nelson was cumming too.
"This was all 'feel good' stuff. I never thought about him
at all, in fact, I didn't particularly like him, but he was
available and made me feel good, so there wasn't any guilt or
thoughts about possibly being gay, which I didn't really
understand anyway.
"This went on for the next two years, particularly during
summer vacation when we had more opportunity. Nelson said he
was doing it with several other guys, but I hadn't done
anything with anybody else. During that first summer, we
tried 'cornholing' but we were both so inept and uninformed
that it never worked right. When we did manage to get the
head of our dick in the other guy's butt, the pain was so bad
that we quit right there.
"During this time, I had a growth spurt - all over. My dick
grew more than two inches, and man was I ever happy! Since
it didn't get a whole lot bigger when it was soft, the only
one who knew about it was Nelson. He was jealous as hell,
but I was so damned proud I could hardly stand it.
"Nelson evidently told the other guys he was screwing around
with because they soon joined us, singly and in groups for
our jackoff sessions. I didn't mind. They all were
fascinated with my big dick and wanted to play with it. What
the hell, more 'feel good', and I didn't mind reciprocating,
except for one, Otto.
"Otto had a really fat dick and was uncut, and never seemed
to be able to get really hard like the rest of us. I thought
his dick was ugly and only 'did' him if I had to.
All we ever did was sit around and jack each other, cum, then
that was it. No emotion, and, in my case no real physical
attraction.
"Also around this time, all the guys were getting interested
in girls. Not particularly caring, but since it seemed to be
the thing to do, and not wanting to be left out, I acted like
I was interested too. No problem there, they were all over
me. I went along with it because it was expected, but my
heart really wasn't in it. All my other 'stroke' buddies had
girlfriends too, but that didn't slow down our sessions
together. My attitude was that it was so much easier to get
my rocks off that way rather than going to all the trouble of
trying to get a girl to let me fuck her.
"Everything changed the first year of high school. Don moved
in a few blocks up the street, and was also a freshman and on
the swim team. It didn't take long and we were the best of
buds. Sleepovers developed fast, and Don, being much more
experienced than I was, quickly taught me a lot of new stuff
about 'feeling good'.
"I was so impressed with his 'worldliness' that I followed
him around like a puppy dog. He also had a big dick and lots
of muscles which I noticed for the first time.
"His dick was almost as long as mine, and a real beauty. For
the first time, stroking him meant more than just 'returning
the favor' to me. Don also liked to fuck. When he first
suggested it, I chickened out, but he did a sales job, and
finally, I let him. He loosened me up with his finger, and
he slid right in. It hurt like hell, but he made me wait
until the pain stopped, and then it wasn't so bad, tolerable,
barely.
"He wanted me to fuck him, too. The first time was awful. I
guess I didn't loosen him up enough because when I tried to
stick it in, he was so tight that it hurt my dick too much to
proceed. We gave up, that time.
"I thought about what'd happened. The 'idea' of fucking and
getting fucked was exciting, but I wasn't too wild about the
pain involved.
"The next time that Don wanted to fuck me, I totally
surprised myself by readily agreeing. I guess my
subconscious had felt something that my conscious mind
hadn't. It went much better this time. It didn't hurt, but
it wasn't all that wonderful either. When it was my turn to
fuck him, he told me that it'd be easier this time. He
wanted it, and he had already prepared his butt for me.
"It was. Again, no pain, and once I was fully buried in him
and started moving, it felt damned good. Still tight, but
not painfully so. From there, nature kicked in and I fucked
the hell out of him. What really surprised me was that he
seemed to be enjoying it. In fact, he was REALLY enjoying
it, moaning and groaning and pushing into me. For some
reason, this was a turnon to me, and I had the greatest
orgasm of my life.
"After getting it closer to 'right', we practiced a lot. I
reached the point where I couldn't wait for our next
session. I didn't particularly know why, but I loved it when
he fucked me, even though I never could cum while it was
happening. I didn't know I was supposed to! Don however,
was different. When I'd fuck him, he'd cum all over the bed
without even touching himself.
"Over Christmas, Don and his family went on vacation. He was
really excited the next time we got together. He proceeded
to show me what he was excited about. He'd learned some new
'stuff'.
"We got naked in a hurry, then he took my cock and put it
into his mouth. I was shocked that he'd do such a 'queer'
thing, but it felt so good my attention soon turned to what
he was doing. After a few minutes of this, he raised up and
asked me how I liked it. I groaned and he went back to
work. He could only get about half of it in his mouth, but
that was enough.
"I couldn't help it. I was about to cum and didn't know what
to do, whether to stop him, or just go ahead and let it fly.
I warned him, but he kept at it, and I had another first.
"Then, he wanted me to suck him, promising that I'd like it,
and he'd tell me what to do. I balked. I don't know why,
but I talked him into fucking me instead.
"Here, he showed me something else new. Instead of lying on
my stomach and letting him pump away, he turned me on my back
and pulled up my legs. This was a LOT better! That's the
best fuck I'd had so far. I didn't cum, but I got hard and
stayed that way for the first time.
"That session with Don was a turning point for me. I started
thinking - with my big head instead of the little one. What
Don and I were doing was definitely 'queer'. We were doing
the same things that the 'faggots' and 'cocksuckers' we
sneered at did, and I allowed myself to accept, for the first
time, that I really, really liked it, and that I kind of
liked Don, too.
"It was confusing. I knew I was supposed to like fucking
girls, but I wasn't really interested, and hadn't put in any
real effort to go beyond 'First Base' with Linda, my steady
girlfriend, even though she subtly encouraged me.
"Mom and Dad had an office/study at home, and Mom's side of
the room was filled with books on psychology, so I went
looking to see if I could learn anything about the way I was
feeling.
"Mom was way ahead of me. My relationship with Don hadn't
gone unnoticed, and she knew that, eventually, I would get
curious and try to figure out what was going on. She was
prepared. There were several books on homosexuality, but the
one to catch my eye was "The Joy of Gay Sex".
"I 'borrowed' it, and read it cover-to-cover. It took a while
because I was real careful that the book wasn't off the shelf
long enough for Mom to notice. I was amazed that it
described everything that Don and I were doing, and quite a
few other things so matter-of-factly.
"The one part that I couldn't understand was the 'love'
aspect. Hell, I certainly didn't 'love' Don. We'd certainly
never kissed or done anything like that. Everything we did
centered around our dicks, nothing more. That realization,
however, opened up new trains of thought. Yeah, I liked his
dick. A lot. I even thought about it when we weren't
together. I got kind of a thrill holding it, playing with
it, and having him put it up my butt was feeling better all
the time, particularly in the new position. Maybe putting it
in my mouth wouldn't be so bad, either. The prospect gave me
an instant, involuntary boner. Hell, whenever I jacked off,
I thought about Don's dick then, too. Yeah, I guess I was
queer.
"The next time Don and I got together, he gave me an
incredible blow job. Watching him while his head bobbed up
and down, I saw him differently. I noticed his body, the
hardness of his developing muscles, and his hard dick
throbbing. I was so aroused by what I saw that my orgasm
took me by surprise. When it happened, I wasn't even paying
any attention to the sensations on my dick, but on Don's body
before me.
"When it was my turn, I agreed, hesitantly, not wanting Don
to know how eager I really was. I certainly didn't want him
to think I was queer!
"Awkward as it was, I just opened my mouth and stuck it in.
When I closed my lips around the head, it was a really weird
feeling, so different from anything I'd ever had there. I
didn't know what to do next, but Don coached me. 'Use your
tongue,' he said, and cautioned 'watch your teeth'.
"I started licking around the head of his dick, and
definitely liked what I was doing. I swirled my tonge around
him some more, then gradually moved down his shaft, still
licking. When his dick bumped the back of my mouth, I gagged
and had to back off to keep from getting sick, but didn't
waste any time getting it back in my mouth.
"My attention was focused on his dick and how it felt in my
mouth. It felt so good, so natural, and I was loving it.
The only thing that bothered me was what to do when he came.
I was undecided. I was a little scared about him unloading
in my mouth. I'd tasted my own cum, of course, and it was
rather tasteless, but knowing how much Don shot, I wasn't
sure I wanted all that stuff in my mouth.
"He warned me, but just as the first shot exploded in my
mouth. The surprise made me jump back, and I finished him
off with my hand. Nevertheless, I still had almost a
mouthful of him, and it tasted completely different from my
own, kind of sweet, not bad at all. I rolled it around in my
mouth then swallowed.
"Don was pleased, and I realized that, to me, that was the
most important thing. That thought shocked me. All I'd ever
cared about before was how I felt. Now, I was really
confused.
"I thought about it a lot. What was happening to me? Why
was I all-of-a-sudden caring about how Don felt? In the
past, I'd stroked him mechanically so he'd cum. That was
only because I knew that afterward he'd do the same to me.
Fucking was a little different. I knew he liked it when I
fucked him, but my main interest was in how it felt to me.
He'd been a hole to put my dick into that felt good. Why was
I suddenly considering how it felt to him?
"What really blew me away was that I realized that I wanted
his lips somewhere other than on my dick. I wanted them on
mine.
"For the next few weeks, Don and I engaged in a mutual
suckfest. We discovered that lying side by side, we could do
each other at the same time, good old 69. It didn't take me
long to realize that I was getting more out of the dick in my
mouth than the mouth on mine. Don usually came first, then
finished me off when I could concentrate.
"Then everything came to a halt. Don's father got
transferred to the East Coast, and within weeks he was gone.
"Our final 'session' together was intense. We sucked each
other off, fucked each other, then, wanting more, jacked each
other off. I still wanted more and tried to kiss him. 'No
way,' he told me, 'that'd be queer, and I'm sure not that
way!'
"Confused by that statement, and feeling abandoned, I went
into a real downer. Naturally, Mom and Dad noticed. They
were sympathetic, but I had no idea what they were thinking.
Hell, I didn't even know what I was thinking myself!
"It got worse. I'd lost my best friend and fuck buddy, and I
wasn't handling it well at all. I missed him enormously and
couldn't think about anything but him. It got to the point
where I was a total asshole, and when my grades started
slipping, Mom got really concerned.
"Growing up with a Mom who was a Psychiatrist, there wasn't
any real stigma about getting help, but I was still very
leery when she suggested that I talk with one of the other
Doctors in her office. I didn't feel ready to lay my secrets
bare to ANYONE. Even though Mom assured me that whatever I
revealed would never be disclosed to anyone, including her, I
still wasn't willing.
"She didn't nag me, just reminded me occasionally that help
was available if I wanted it. Stubborn as usual, I held out.
"My life, as I knew it, was crumbling around me. I didn't
pay that much attention because the funk I was in didn't
allow me to see what was happening. All I could think of was
Don and what he'd done to me. It was all his fault, I
selfishly thought. Poor me.
"My friends at school were avoiding me. In a way, I didn't
blame them because I didn't like me much either.
"The final blow came when Linda unceremoniously dumped me.
Not only was it a blow to my ego, but her parting shots hit
too close to home. 'What are you, queer or something? All
you ever talk about is Don. Are you in love with him or
something? You don't even know I exist anymore.'
"That did it. Here I was, a Junior in High School, and about
to be branded a queer. I knew what that meant. I'd been
popular and had lots of friends, but, unless I did something
fast, all that was about to change. The prospect wasn't
inviting.
"I gave in and talked to Mom. Instinctively she knew I had
some heavy shit to unload and wouldn't be particularly
comfortable with any of the other shrinks in her office that
I knew. There was a new one, Dr. Michaels, who I hadn't even
met, and she suggested I talk with him. She put it in a way
that made me feel better. Just 'talk' with him, not go for
counseling, or therapy. She didn't give me a chance to
change my mind, and I saw him the next day.
"He was young! At that time, anyone over 30 was 'old' in my
opinion. Dr. Michaels looked to be in his late 20s, and made
me comfortable right away, letting me work into my 'problem'
in my own time, never rushing me. After skirting the issue
for a while, I just blurted it out, 'I think I'm queer' I
told him.
"'Gay, Eric,' he gently corrected me, 'what makes you think
that?'
"I didn't know how to put my feelings into words, so I hemmed
and hawed around the subject, not really telling him
anything. Finally, he asked me if there was 'someone else'
involved. That was the 'kick' I needed. It was so much
easier talking about Don than it was talking about myself.
"I warmed to the subject, and before I knew it, I'd told him
everything, in graphic detail, and in the process, told him a
lot more about myself than I ever intended. When I finished
the story, I asked him if that made me 'queer', and again he
corrected me. 'Gay' he said.
"Knowing shrinks and how they operated, I didn't expect a
direct answer, but I got more than just another question from
him. 'There isn't a test that I know of to determine if
you're gay or straight,' he told me. 'Only you can decide
that.'
"Some people are attracted to members of their own sex,' he
went on. 'It's not a choice they make, but, I believe, a
genetic predisposition. There isn't a whole lot anybody can
do about it, unless you choose to repress those feelings,
something I definitely don't recommend. It's not something
you have to come to terms with right this very instant, so
don't push yourself to make a decision. We'll talk some
more, and maybe I can help you figure it out. What we need
to do right now is work on getting the rest of your life back
on track.
"We talked some more, and I started feeling better. There
was hope. What really made me feel better was the fact that
I'd actually told someone about what was bothering me. Was I
or wasn't I? That was still undetermined, but at least I had
somebody to talk to about it."
I had sat silently through his narrative, nodding but not
making any comments. He paused and took a big swig on his
drink.
"You're right," he told me. "There was a whole lot more to
'coming out' than just one day deciding I liked men. I
haven't thought about that time in my life for years, and
telling the man I love all about it feels pretty good."
"It wasn't easy for me, either," I told him, giving him a big
hug.
"There's more," he said, "and since I'm on a roll, you're
going to hear the rest of it.
"Here goes. I spent over three hours talking with Dr.
Michaels that afternoon and it helped a lot. The immediate
problem wasn't whether I was gay or not, but putting my life
back in order. He steered me in that direction and as
shrinks do, let me find my own solutions.
"Just having talked about my situation helped a lot. I felt
better about myself and realized how obsessed I'd become
about Don and my confused sexuality. I still had a life to
live, and that's what I needed to concentrate on. In a short
time I'd changed from an outgoing, happy guy into an
introverted, selfish asshole, and I needed to change that.
"Instead of brooding about what Linda might tell others, I
decided to go on the offensive. Action instead of words.
"Now that I was no longer 'attached' to Linda, all it took
were a few smiles and the girls were all over me. Frankly, I
really enjoyed the attention, and started dating several of
them. No promises, no games, just social, and I had to admit
to myself, a lot of fun.
"The guys who had been avoiding me noticed my changed
attitude and my relationship with them returned to normal.
If Linda had spread any rumors, it didn't seem to matter. I
was at least acting 'normal'.
"Mom and Dad were great about the whole thing, never asking
questions or nosing into whatever it was that had been
bothering me. They figured, correctly, that when I was ready
to talk about it, I would.
"I continued seeing Dr. Michaels on a regular basis. He never
approved nor disapproved of the actions I was taking to make
my life bearable again, but did encourage me to leave my
options open.
"I was really comfortable talking with him, and we explored my
sexuality a little at every session. Since I evidently hadn't
shocked him with my earlier graphic descriptions of what Don
and I 'did' together, we now talked about how I felt when we
were doing them. Touching on this subject, he got me to
realize that I really cared for Don, and that there probably
was more than just sex between us, at least from my
standpoint.
"I also admitted to Dr. Michaels that although I was playing
it 'straight', I was looking at the other guys in a different
light. Being on the swim team gave me the opportunity to see
lots of skin, and in the showers even more. It wasn't just
comparison any more, but wonder about how their dicks would
look hard, and how it would feel to have them in my mouth or
in my asshole. This was becoming a problem because looking
at them and fantasizing was getting me aroused, not something
I wanted to happen under those circumstances.
"I even told him that the idea of never having another dick
inside me was one I didn't want to contemplate. That's when
he told me about prostates. Wow! There was a reason why it
felt so good!
"At another session, I told him how I'd been comparing male
and female anatomy in my mind, and the reaction I'd had. Big
tits just didn't do it for me. Thinking about a hard chest
made my dick twitch. Although I'd never seen one in person,
the thought of a squishy, smelly pussy was repulsive, but a
dick, any size, any shape, was an entirely different matter.
Instant woody!
"Things were going along pretty smoothly. I was getting
along at school, my grades and popularity were back at their
earlier levels, and I was taking my time dealing with my
sexuality. Then came the confrontation - with myself.
"The swim team had a meet in the San Francisco Bay area.
That meant an overnight trip, and the whole team would stay
in a hotel. The coach drew names for roommates, and I got one
of the hottest guys on the team. Oh shit! Johnny was also
one of those guys who paraded around the locker room naked
with his big dick swinging, one I'd fantasized about more
than once. Man, how I'd love to wrap my lips around that
juicy piece of meat!
"Dr. Michaels wasn't any help at all. When I asked for
advice, he just laughed and told me I was on my own. 'Just
don't take any chances,' he warned me, and fished a handful
of condoms out of his desk drawer. I knew about AIDS, and
promised to use them - if the opportunity arose.
"It was even more difficult than I could have imagined.
After the seemingly endless bus ride, we stopped for a Big
Mac then went to the hotel with strict orders from the coach
to go to bed early. Johnny and I flipped for the first
shower. He won. While he undressed, I looked the other way
so that I wouldn't be tempted to do anything rash.
"While he showered, I got undressed down to my jockeys and
waited, thinking about anything I could other than him. I
didn't stand a chance. When he came out of the bathroom, his
towel was over his shoulder and his dick was sticking
straight up, hard as a rock.
"I tried not to run, to be as casual as possible, but I got
into the bathroom as fast as I could, my dick pumping up as I
went. It was no use. I jacked off, and still my dick
wouldn't go down. The image of him would not go away
regardless of how hard I tried.
"I did the best I could, wrapping the towel around me to hide
it, and after psyching myself up, stepped out of the bathroom
intending to jump right into bed.
"Johnny was sitting facing the bathroom door when I came out,
naked and still hard. I saw him look at my towel then rise
and walk toward me. The next thing I knew, his arms were
around me and his lips were on mine."
At this point, Eric paused for another sip from his drink.
It was pretty clear that remembering this event was having an
effect on him, his pants were straining at the seams.
Although I wanted to, this was not the time to jump his bones.
"I'm gonna finish this," he told me, "then we can take care
of current problems," grinning and glancing down at his
rather full crotch.
"That kiss," he continued, "was the turningpoint in my search
for answers about myself. Yes, I'd kissed a girl before,
several in fact, but none of them were anything like this!
It wasn't emotion. Hell, I hardly knew the guy, but there
was something about those lips on mine that erased any doubt
I might ever have had. I was a full-blown faggot.
"Before morning, I proved to myself in quite a few other ways
that there was no mistaking the fact that I liked the male
body. It wasn't love or anything like that, just the feel of
a man, his hardness and not just his dick, and the feelings I
got from having a man in my arms that made me feel like I was
where I wanted to be and where I belonged.
"Johnny and I grinned at each other all the way home. I
think he was grinning because he'd experienced the best sex
he'd ever had. I was grinning because everything was clearer
now. I knew what I wanted.
"Just being sure of who and what I was wasn't something I
wanted to broadcast. Just KNOWING was sufficient, no more
confusion.
"Then, I started thinking how this was going to affect my
life. Why change anything? I was living a happy life
masquerading as a heterosexual. Sure, I was dating girls as
a coverup, but not any one in particular, and not giving any
of them the idea that I was serious.
"There was no reason to come leaping out of the closet, at
least for the time being. I figured that I could look,
listen, read more and become more comfortable with myself
before telling the world.
"Only one problem. I was a healthy 17 year old with needs.
I was also pretty spoiled. For a long time, Don had taken
care of those needs, and I wasn't eager to go back to jacking
off. Maybe that was part of my problem with Don. Possibly I
was mad at him for leaving me without an outlet.
"Johnny was a possibility. He'd already said he wanted a
rematch. But how would that work? I certainly didn't want
to get emotionally involved again, and how could we arrange
to get together?
"The one thing I'd kind of skipped over was my parents'
reaction to all this. They had always been great to me,
loving, supportive, and non-judgmental. I guess I had just
assumed that they'd go along with anything I did.
"This, however was a MAJOR thing. How would they react?
"The next session with Dr. Michaels was far more intense than
I'd expected it to be. I told him about my experience with
Johnny, and how it had made me fully realize that I was gay.
He wasn't surprised, but wanted me to be absolutely sure that
that was what I wanted. After explaining the feelings I'd
had when Johnny kissed me, I think I convinced him.
"Now that my sexuality was settled, he wanted to know what I
intended to do with my life. 'Being gay isn't easy,' he told
me, and wanted to know if I intended to 'come out',
particularly to my parents. 'Give me a chance to get used to
this,' I demanded. He kept at me, though, wanting to know if
I could keep it hidden forever. At that point I got mad. He
was pushing me, and I didn't like it, and left in a huff.
"Of course, he was right, but I wanted to do things at my own
pace.
"A few Saturdays later, Mom and I were alone at home, just
talking about nothing in particular. Without any hesitation,
I just blurted out 'Mom, I want you to know that I'm gay.'
She just smiled at me and said 'I know'. That threw me. I
wanted to know if Dr. Michaels had told her anything, and she
told me no, she had known long before I ever went to see him.
"I wanted to know why she hadn't said something. Her answer
to that was that it was something I had to come to terms with
on my own. She knew it wouldn't be easy for me, but I had to
do it myself without any interference.
"Of course, I wanted to know how she felt about this. Her
typical 'Mom' answer to this was 'Whatever makes you happy
makes me happy. I guess Ryan's going to have to provide the
grandkids.'
"Then, the big question. 'How about Dad?' He knew too, and
had had time to get over his initial shock and anger, but she
wanted me to tell him myself.
"Now, let me tell you, that was HARD! It took quite a little
time before I could build up the courage to do it, but he was
great about the whole thing.
"Well, there you have it, I think the moment of truth
occurred in a hotel room in Oakland! That's when I accepted
myself."
"Wow, what a story!" I told him, dragging him over so I could
put my arm around him. "There's only one thing that bothers
me."
"What's that?"
"I don't know if I can compete with those young studs with
the big dicks that you were telling me about."
He raised up, turned and looked me straight in the eye.
"There's no competition," he said softly. "Just remember one
thing. I CHOSE YOU!"
To be continued.
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