Shape of My Heart

By MJ

Published on Feb 21, 2001

Gay

Okay, first things first.

Disclaimer: Do I have to do this? Alright, this story is purely fiction. I do not know (personally) the Backstreet Boys, nor own them nor anything like that. However, if you do, please email me and I will try to suck up to you so that I can get to know them (personally). If you are breaking a law by being here, get out. If you are offended by homosexual themes, get out. There.

Well, and I'll have to add that is you are bothered by borderline incest, I'll have to invite you out too.. :)

Okie, I'm really really sorry for not having written sooner. :P Well, what can I say, I've been really really busy (NOT true says the angel that has popped up on my right shoulder; i think the devil is sleeping now) Well, I'd just like to thank Matt and Jordan and all the people who gave me feedback after reading my story. Thanks a lot guys! And of course to David for posting my story.

Stories I like Affirmation, Brian and Me, Search and Rescue, Open your Eyes, Dirty Mind Games, Little White Lies, Love you Hate you Get lost, Superman Can't Fly, Bsb-Nsync Chronicles, Desperate Measures, Eternally Yours, Blissful Tears, Any Path, The One, Slow Down My Beating Heart, When My Pretty Boy Sleeps, D-Evolution.. and many more~


"You see, Kevin, I think that Brian loves Nick, from all the looks he's been giving Nick..." said Howie, but the rest of his words were lost to Kevin when the latter heart that Brian was in love with Nick.

Brian loves Nick. Brian loves Nick. That means that he doesn't love me. He doesn't love me. Oh shit. Brian loves Nick. Then he realised that he had indirectly admitted that he loved Brian. He gripped the plate tightly, so tightly that it almost broke.

"Kevin, hey Kev," said Howie, trying to get Kevin's attention. Finally he poked Kevin in the ribs.

"Ouch!" said Kevin, annoyed. "What?!"

"Well, after I called you about, like, ten times, you still didn't respond, so you left me with no choice. And anyway, I think your finger might get stuck to the plate if you leave it there."

"Oh. Well, you could have tapped on my shoulder or something, couldn't you?" said Kevin half-angrily as he rubbed the place where Howie had poked him.

Kevin carried the plate out of the den and Howie followed him into the living room, where Brian was drinking, again. "Brian, stop it." said Howie. Brian carried on as though he hadn't heard. Kevin just stared at Brian, before putting the plate down, snatching the bottle away from Brian and smashing it. The gin flowed over the floor and soaked the carpet. Then Kevin went outside. Howie atred at him , or rather the place where Kevin had been, before sitting down to console Brian, who was tears were silently pouring again.

Kevin stared out to sea. He had never been much of a ocean person, but now he understood why Nick loved the ocean so much. His love's love. At least, that was what Howie had said. He took a deep breath of the sea breeze, trying hard to cry, willing his tears not to fall. He contemplated his situation now. One. He was in love with Brian. Which led to two, that he was either gay or bi. And that subsequently connected with the path of the group...


"Brian, you alright?" asked Howie in concern as Brian's tears soaked his shirt.

"I'll be alright in a moment." said Brian.

Howie nodded and just sat there. Finally, he said, "Brian, just how long is a moment?"

"I don't know, maybe an hour or so." came the muffled answer.

"Well, if that's how long your moment is, I think it's time you talk. And you'd better talk fast. I've got a gun here and I know how to use it." said Howie in a mock serious voice that however carried a real serious tone in it.

"If that's the way you want it."

"Quoting lines from our old songs is not that funny, Brian." said Howie as Brian began convulsing with laughter. Then he became more concerned as he noticed that Brian seemed to be hysterical. And sure enough, he was.

After Howie had quieted him down a while, the tears started flowing again. Howie sighed.

About an hour later, when Kevin put on his "mask" that hid his true feelings for Brian, he went back to the house again. Brian stood in the living room, quietly, while Kevin could hear Howie talking on the phone with somebody. Kevin looked at Brian, then turned to go. Brian moved forwards, hand out to stop him. Kevin stood still, while Brian fumbled with his words, trying to find something to say. Finally, he said, "I'm sorry."

"Is that all?" asked Kevin.

"Well..." hesitated Brian.

Kevin sighed. "Cuz, it's not that I'm angry at you. I am not angry at you. What I am is disappointed. I trusted you to keep your promise." WIth that he turned away, leaving a tear-stained face behind him, his own emerald eyes thretening to spill as well.

In his car, his mask dissolved and he drove aimlessly, just wanting to "get away from it all". And for a while, it worked.


Nick spent the whole day playing Nintendo, finally switching it off when he felt the familiar rumble in his stomach. It was then that he realised that evening had fallen. He called out, "AJ, where are you?" There was nothing, nothing but a faint echo. Then, not for the first time, but certainly in much greater intensity, he felt the lonliness. It was gnawing away at his soul. He shuddered. and tried to get rid of the feeling by turning on the television, aimlessly flipping through the channels. His eye was caught by the MTV channel. It was them. When they first started out. Their very first MTV. He had to admit, he'd looked very goofy then. His gaze turned to Brian as he sang, or rather lip-synched, the song, he felt a sense of peace. Then the MTV was over and he switched off the television. The loneliness got to him, right down to the very bone. He put the remote down and started to cry.


AJ found Brian on the couch and Howie next to him, on the phone. Brian was crying silently, and Howie was holding him as Brian soaked his shirt. Howie looked up to find AJ looking at them, and he motioned AJ to take over. AJ sat down and held Brian as Howie finished his call.

"So where's Nicky?" asked Howie, and AJ thought he noticed a slight pause in the Brian's breathing as Howie said 'Nicky".

"He's in my house playing Nintendo. We just had a little chat, and then Max trashed his ass in Mario. So he decided to brush up on it." AJ thought he heard a little gigle. "Brian, did you giggle?"

Giggle. Giggle. Soon, AJ and Howie were besiged by a storm of giggles. "Shit. He's hysterical again." muttered Howie under his breath, but loud enough so that AJ could hear.

Finally they managed to calm Brian down, and to keep him down, they gave him some Valium.

"Again?" said AJ when Howie finally sat down on the couch again after putting Brian to bed.

"Eh?" asked Howie absently.

"You said that he was hysterical again. When was the first time?"

"Oh, erm, that was when we discovered him drinking again, and then Kevin like, just like, oh, I don't know how to describe it... it was all non-verbal. Anyway, Kev got damn pissed wiv Rok, it seemed, but he later said himself that he was just disappointed. Yeah. You decide if he's telling the truth. Then after that, when I was trying to comfort him, and trying to get him to start crying, I think I said something about him qouting from our old songs, and he started laughing, like, hysterically. Yeah. "

"I see. And where's Train now?"

"I dunno, search me. Just don't do it physically." said Howie when he noticed the familiar glint in AJ's eye.

"Aw, shucks."


"Hey, anybody home?" said Maxine as she stepped into the dark house. "Oh well, that probably means they've gone. Now I'll have to heat up the stew myself." she said to herself.

"Present." came a muffled voice from the couch in the living room.

"Oh. Sorry Nick, didn't see you there. And why do you have all the lights off? Trying to scare someone?"

No answer.

"Did you heat up the stew then?" said Maxine as she made her way cautiously to the couch. Something was up. Either Nick was going to play a trick on her, and goodness knows how many tricks of his she had heard of before, or he was genuienly in the dumps.

"No. Oh dear, I'm sorry." said Nick, turning around.

Now Maxine could see the aged face of someone grown too old too fast, and the tear stains on that face only served to accentuate the tiredness in his face. Acting on impluse, Maxine suddenly stooped down and gave Nick a fierce hug. Nick on the other hand, found himself surrounded by a large mass of black hair and black wooly jumper.

Maxine sat down and looked at Nick in the eye, trying to make him laugh. Finally he did, and she sighed in relief. "For a moment there, I thought we'd lost a part of you." She smiled, and Nick smiled back. "Okay, now, hang tight. After I've warmed to the stew, we'll eat and then I shall make a great sacrifice and play with you a little game of Mario." letting it be known through her tone that it was no sacrifce at all.

Nick smiled gratefully at her and said, "Thanks, Maxine."

She smiled back and said, "Just call me Max. And remember, little buddy, time heals all wounds. And you'll never beat me in Mario."

Nick laughed, a light, refreshing sound. And Maxine thought to herself, if he weren't gay, and so much younger than me...

They spent the night just talking, instinctively avoiding some topics, instead just focusing on Nick's family, how he missed them when he was on the road, Aaron's career, and Maxine's cat.


Kevin comtemplated making a round of the bars and clubs downtown, just like Brian, but he decided aginast it, instead deciding to go back to the house that he had shared with Howie and Brian, before Brian moved out. Afterall, he had to be awake in time for timorrow's studio schedule so that no one would think that there was anything at all wrong with him.


The next morning, at various locations in Florida, the Backstreet Boys were getting up and getting ready for the start of their heavy schedule once again.

AJ sighed again. Nick and Kevin hadn't called back at all. He knew that he was always potrayed as the wild child of the group, always off the wall, but there were some things that he cared about, and his bandmates were one of those. He wasn't so worried about Kevin; he knew that his big brother could take her of himself in most situations. It was Nick he was more worried about. Even though he had called back to his house a few times the previous night, no one had picked the phone up.

"Hey, whatcha trying to do, Bone? Blow me away?" asked Howie with a smile on his face.

"Ha ha, very funny," said AJ sacaristically as he carefully looked at himself in the mirror. He hadn't changed his clothes in two days, and was getting tired of them. "Is Rok awake yet?" he asked. "We have to reach the studio in a few."

"Wow! I never thought I'd see the day when you would be so eager to be on time!" chuckled Howie.

"Yeah, just don't choke on anything, or else who will sing the falsettos?" replied AJ as he stuck out his tongue at Howie. "Hey Bri!" shouted AJ up the stairs. "You coming, or do I have to go up and get you?"

"I'm coming, I'm coming! (no pun intended) Hold your horses, man!" said Brina as he hurried down the stairs.

"Okay, let's go!" said AJ as he jumped into his car and waited for the others to follow suit. He was really looking forward to changing into his own clothes later. As soon as Howie finished combing his hair, he joined Brian in the back seat, and they sped off to the studio. The wild driving took everybody's mind off things as AJ manoeuvred around rush hour traffic.


Kevin ran a comb through his black mane and looked at himself in the mirror. He still had a throbbing headache after last night's "one-too-many", and he winced as the sound of the phone rining cut thought the empty house. He picked up the keys and after locking the door, jumped into his car and sped to the studio. Luckily, for most way, the traffic was rather light.


Nick was sure this was the first time he had gotten up so early. He strechted and yawned, and then wondered where he was. Oh yeah, he was at AJ's house. He padded donw the staris to the kitchen where Maxine was already making coffee. The smell of frying bacon assaulted his senses and he was awake in a second. He snuck over to Maxine's side, intedning to steal a bit of bacon, but was stopped by a quik rap to the knuckles. "Ow!" he cried. "What d'ya do that for?"

"Don't steal my foo. That's yours on the table." she said as she pointed to the table where a stack of pancakes lay.

"Aww, shucks." said Nick "Come on, Max, just a teeny weenie little bit, please?"

"No. You're getting too fat." Nick stuck out a tongue at the back of her head. "Don't do that. As cute as that may be, it makes you look dumb. I do have eyes in the back of my head, y'know." Nick put on a mock pout, but that disappeared as heate, or more correctly, devoured the stack of pancakes up. They were delicious, afterall.

"You have to leave a in a few minutes. Go and change."

"Okay, Mom" grinned Nick as he finished the last pancake. Maxine just rolled her eyes at him as he went up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He spent a few mintues agoninsing over his clothes, finally deciding to wear Kevin's, as everybody else's was too small for him. He barely fit into Kevin's cargos, even though the rest of Kevin's clothes made him look like a dwarf. Okay, maybe was was getting a little plump, but, who cared? He slid down the banister and shouted out as he exited, "Bye, Max, see ya later!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that!" Maxine shouted back. "Bye, Nickolas!"

Nick hurried out and hailed a cab, telling the cabbie to hurry. He didn't worry over Maxine's last cryptic comment, however, as he had more important things to worry about. Like meeting Brian again.


Once again, apologies for sending this out so late. Too busy wiv work and stuff. Sigh. Oh yeah, and if I've got any spelling mistakes, just ignore them, yeah? I'm half sleeping while I'm typing this. Okay, now for the teaser. Will Kevin ever come to grips with his feelings for Brian? Will Brian ever admit to anyone that he's gay and loves Nick? What will become of Maxine? Will MJ ever ever put Brian and Nick together and adding a sex scene, just put the story in the blender? (I hope not. :)) Will Brian and Nick finally get together in the next installment? (Hopefully yes. :)) Okay, dat's enuff. Gdnite... or shud I sae Gd morning yawn Oh yeah, one last thing.

Any comments, suggestions, food, parcels, cash, cheque or money orders or even the Backstreet Boys, preferbably naked heh heh are to be sent to de_vil@2die4.com. Peace out!~ MJ

Next: Chapter 6


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